CHAP. XXVIII. Guzman enters into the service of the Spanish Ambassador.

My ridiculous pride long prevented me from perceiving the extreme folly of my behaviour. At first I amused myself by strolling about the streets of Rome and eating at the houses of my acquaintance, but I found that my civil reception among them did not last long; scanty fare and gloomy looks saluted me every where, and I was soon at a loss for a dinner. This verifies the Spanish proverb: Live a week with your uncle or cousin, a month with your brother, a year with your friend; but in the house of your father you may live for life.

I soon perceived that spunging was a villainous trade, and began to regret that I was self-exiled from the table of the cardinal’s pages; but the fault was then irreparable, since at that time his Eminence fell sick and died. He left to all his servants, by his will, money enough to support them comfortably for the remainder of their lives. This circumstance drove me to despair, as I could not forgive myself for having, by my deplorable folly, excluded myself from the provision which would otherwise have been made for me. I saw no other resource, but to offer my services to the Spanish Ambassador, who had been one of the most intimate friends of my deceased master, and knew me very well. He had also in more than one instance given me tokens of his good will.

I had no sooner expressed my desire of entering into his service, than he testified the utmost willingness to receive me. He had often condescended to honor with a smile the jests and stories he had heard from me at the palace of the cardinal. He considered me as a dexterous young fellow, and very well adapted for his buffoon and pimp. This last honorable employment was what he chiefly designed for me, as you will soon perceive. But first I must depict the character of this minister.

He was chosen to conduct an embassy to Rome, at a very critical period; this situation required a penetrating genius, and a man of great address. His excellency perfectly justified the confidence which the king reposed in him. But he had a foible, a little too common amongst men of rank,—that of being too much addicted to women. But for this circumstance, he would have been more esteemed than any other Ambassador at that court. Having, then, judged me worthy to have the management of his intrigues, he began to inform me of his virtuous intentions. Then, that I might give him a specimen of my abilities, he employed me in some trifling messages of gallantry, in which I had the good fortune to acquit myself to his entire satisfaction. This coup d’essai was followed by two or three commissions of the same nature, though of somewhat more difficulty, which were conducted with equal success. Nothing more was necessary to establish me perfectly in his good graces, and he conceived such a friendship for me that I soon became his favorite page. From this moment Signor Guzman was all in all in his master’s house. I did as I pleased, and every thing that I did was well done. The other domestics did not see my growing greatness without envy, especially those of longest standing; some called me my master’s buffoon, and some his pimp in ordinary. Nevertheless I did not presume upon the favor of the Ambassador, and was so far from doing these spiteful gentry any ill offices with his excellency, that I gladly seized every opportunity of serving them, in consequence of which they forbore to shew me any particular mark of their ill will, and we lived together on pretty tolerable terms.

While I was with the Ambassador, I did not disgrace the reputation I had acquired on account of my frolics at the palace of the Cardinal, and I was not very sparing of my tricks, as there could not be any place in the world that could open a wider field for them than the house of my new master. Parasites often came in at dinner time. My fellow pages and I were not at a loss to distinguish them from respectable people whom my master was really happy to see at his table. We took care to be very attentive to the latter, but as for the spungers who were most of them mere adventurers, they had but scurvy commons, which diverted the Ambassador exceedingly. One was suffered to ask in vain for drink during the whole meal; it was of no use to make signs, we pretended not to understand them. Another had his glass handed to him half full, and the glass shaped in such a fashion, that half the liquor would remain in the glass; which only tantalized his thirst. Another was served with water prepared of a red colour.—If a dainty morsel was carved for any one of these gentry, we changed his plate so quickly that the poor devil had scarcely time to taste it. In a word, we did every thing in our power to drive them all from his Excellency’s table, and were sometimes lucky enough to succeed.

Among the adventurers who were drawn together by the savory fumes which proceeded from our kitchen, there was a foreigner who surpassed all the others in impudence. He affirmed himself to be a relation of the Ambassador, though his manners were as opposite as possible to those of a man of quality. His brazen impudence was his only introduction, and in spite of the frozen reception he met with from his Excellency, he assiduously pestered him with his company at dinner. He did nothing but boast of himself and of his country:—the politeness of his countrymen,—their civilities to strangers, and their honesty, were topics of which he was never tired. As for the women, the wives were all Lucretias and the daughters Vestal Virgins. I should never have done if I were to repeat all the praises which he heaped upon the people of his own country: at last he wearied all the company with his foolish discourse, but especially my master, who being quite out of patience, said to me one day in Castilian, which this blade did not understand; “You know not, Guzman, how weary I am of this fellow’s rhodomontade.”

It may be supposed that this hint was not lost upon a page who was neither deaf nor a fool. I understood well enough that this troublesome personage must absolutely be got rid of. To accomplish this end, I posted myself behind his chair at dinner, and whenever he asked for drink, which happened almost every minute, I took a very large glass which I filled to the brim with so strong a sort of wine that it could not fail to intoxicate him speedily; when I saw that this was effected, I tied one of his legs to his own chair with a piece of silk twist, without any of the guests perceiving what I did. When dinner was ended, the Ambassador rose, and the company followed his example, but when my gentleman would have done the same, he and the chair had such a heavy fall together, that I am much mistaken if his nose and jaws did not rue the circumstance for a long time afterwards. I pretended to help him up and gently untied the string. Nevertheless, in spite of all the wine that he had drank, he perceived that every body laughed at his expense, and suspecting the cause of his disaster, he went away in a rage and never came again: which pleased his Excellency beyond measure, that he had so easily got rid of such a troublesome guest.

Having thus driven this spunger from the field, my companions and I next undertook the discomfiture of the others, but we found some who were not to be so easily disposed of. Amongst others, there was a Spanish bully, who called himself a gentleman of Cordova. He came one day about dinner time, and saluted his Excellency the Ambassador very ceremoniously, informing him that he was in pecuniary distress, and that his pressing necessity obliged him to disclose his situation.

My master, who easily understood the drift of all this harangue, took out a purse of pistoles, which he gave him unopened, and bowing politely, turned away from him; but the Cordovan, far from retiring upon this hint, followed him closely, and began talking of the dangers he had gone through, and at last had the effrontery to take a seat next to his Excellency at the table. “I hope,” said he, “your Excellency will not be offended at the liberty I am taking, but even if I was not a gentleman of family, my having served in his Majesty’s army, is sufficient to entitle me to the honor of eating with Princes. Besides,” added he, “the table of a Nobleman of your reputation, should always be open to Officers whose services have not met with a merited recompense.”

After this fine speech, he fell to on the dish nearest him, with the greatest avidity. He ate like a half starved glutton as he was. Then looking at me, who was nearest to him, he beckoned to me five or six times to bring him some wine; but unluckily for my gentleman, instead of paying any attention to his signs, I pretended that I did not observe them.

If he thought at first this neglect arose from carelessness or stupidity, he was soon undeceived, and perceived my roguish malice plain enough. “Page,” said he to me, in a loud voice, “have you been ordered to let me die with thirst?” Upon this, my master, who had no small inclination to laugh at this scene, nodded to me to serve this adventurer; but I took good care to give him one of the smallest glasses, and was even spiteful enough to hand it him half empty.

Just as this happened, and when I was carrying back the salver to the sideboard, there entered two other parasites whom I knew, by having frequently seen them at the Ambassador’s table. Not being able to find any vacant seats, they began to examine the guests, and particularly the pretended noble of Cordova, and as they seemed to me to regard him with an air of contempt, my curiosity was excited. I approached the new comers, and asked them if the gentleman whom they examined so attentively, was one of their acquaintance.

“Gentleman indeed!” cried one of the two; “surely you are jesting, my friend; learn that this fellow who is now filling at that table the seat which is only for respectable men, and whom you think to be of noble blood, is the son of a man who has often made boots for me, and who keeps a shop near the cathedral church of Cordova.” “If he comes in my way,” said the other, “I shall tell him something more than he will like to hear.” Speaking thus, these braggadocios looked very big, twisted their mustachios, and retreated together into the court yard to consider what steps they should next take.

When they had been there a short time, I went out and joined them: “Gentlemen,” said I, “this man whom you despise so much, affirms that you are a couple of despicable fellows, and says he is surprised at your impudence in daring to intrude yourselves here. If you will wait till he has dined, he will come and tell you more himself.” “Let him come; let him come;” cried they both together: “we will let him know whom he has to deal with.” Having thus enraged them against the Officer of Cordova, I returned to the latter, and in a whisper loud enough to be heard by the whole company, informed him that there were two gentlemen below, who wanted a moment’s conversation with him. “Let them have patience,” answered he; “I shall not quit his Excellency while he is at table.” “They affirm,” added I, “that you have announced yourself falsely as a cavalier of noble birth, and that you are but the son of a cobbler.” “Heaven and earth,” cried he, with a furious aspect, “can there be any one so tired of his life as to dare to talk in this manner of a man like me? where are these scoundrels?” continued he, rising from table, “where are they? their ears at least shall pay for their temerity.” “You have but to follow me,” said I, “and I will bring you to them instantly.” At these words I took him by the arm, and led him out of the room, though he seemed to have but little desire to quit it.

Immediately the Ambassador and the company hastened to the windows which looked into the court yard, to see the termination of the quarrel which I had contrived to stir up between these three bullies. “Gentlemen,” said I to the two who were walking the court, “here is the person whose father, if you are to be believed, is a Cordovan shoemaker.” “Let him thank his stars,” cried they, “that our hands are tied by the respect we owe to this palace, which we consider as belonging to the King of Spain.” Seeing the officer in such a panic that he could not utter a single syllable, I took up his cause. “Gentlemen,” said I, “this cavalier will go out directly if you wish it, and is ready to terminate his dispute with you in the street.” “No, no,” answered they, retreating with the utmost precipitation, “we shall take another opportunity to meet him.” Their retreat brought back the courage of our gallant, who pretended to treat them as cowards. He himself, therefore, went out a moment after them, but took care to choose a different road. The Ambassador and his guests were infinitely diverted with this ridiculous adventure, and a thousand witty things were said at their return to table, at the expense of our three adventurers. After dinner every one retired, whilst his Excellency withdrew to his chamber to enjoy his afternoon’s nap.