NOTE BY A COCKNEY NATURALIST

The common blackbeetles (Scarabæus niger) which so abundantly infest the culinary regions of Cockaigne are alleged to be agreeable, although profuse, in flavour, provided they be delicately larded before crimping, and then fricasseed or simply fried. Care should specially be taken not to injure their antennæ, which, when crisp with egg and breadcrumbs, exquisitely tickle the palate of the gourmet, and provoke him to the liveliest of gastronomic feats. There lurks in vulgar minds a savage prejudice against these interesting insects, by reason, very likely, of the popular impression that at times they have been manufactured into Soy. But this may be assumed to be mere idle superstition, and Soyer, the great chef, wisely set his face against it, remarking, as he did so, "Honi Soy qui mal y pense."

Among the warblers which abound in the vicinity of the metropolis, one of the most interesting is the little mudlark (Alauda Greenwichiensis) whose plaintive cry may nightly be heard upon the shore of the river, where these little creatures congregate in flocks, and pick up any grub which they may chance to meet with.

Doubts have been entertained by sundry Cockney naturalists whether the pyramids of oyster shells, which in the early part of August used to be noticed in the streets, should be regarded as a proof of the migratory habits of the mollusc. That the oyster is a sluggard and objects to leave his bed seems pretty generally admitted; but that he is endowed with the power of locomotion has, fortunately for science, been placed beyond a doubt. Whether oysters shed their shells when they are crossed in love is a point on which the naturalist is still somewhat in the dark.

Self-evident.—It must have been a cockney who said that St. Bees came from St. 'Ives.

A Dead Letter.—Too often H.

"I say, Bill, 'ere comes two champion doners! Let's kid 'em 'at we're hofficers!"

Epsom up to Date.

'Arry. "Ain't ye comin' to see the 'orse run for yer money?"

Cholley. "Not me! No bloomin' fear! I'm goin' to see this cove don't run with my money!"

ROYAL ALBERT HALL TO DAY

"I 'ear this 'ere Patti ain't 'arf bad!"

"Would you gentlemen like to look at the old church?"

"Ho, yus. We're nuts on old churches!"

Quoth an eminent literary man, in the hearing of 'Arry, "All George Meredith's poetry might be republished under one title as 'Our Georgics.'"

"Oo's ''Icks'?" asked 'Arry.

"The Teaching of Erse in Ireland."—"Well," says 'Arry, "it sounds uncommon funereal. O' course I knew an erse and plumes and coal black 'osses is what they call a 'moral lesson.' But why make such a fuss about it in Ireland?"

An Awkward Name.—'Arry, on a marine excursion, hearing mention made of the two sea-birds the great auk and the little auk, inquired if the little auk was a sparrow-'awk.

"He is the greatest liar on (H)earth," as the Cockney said of the lap-dog he often saw lying before the fire.

The Vernacular.

"Yer know that young Germin feller as come ter sty in our 'ouse six months agow? Well, w'en fust 'e come, I give yer my word'e didn' know nothink but 'is own lengwidge; but we bin learnin' 'im English, an' now e' can speak it puffick—jes' the sime as wot you an' me can."

Dinner for the H-less. Good Educational Course for an Uneducated Cockney.—An aitch-bone.

Cockneys at Aldershot.—First Cockney. "'Ere, 'Arry, where's the colonel?"

Second Cockney. "The colonel, bless yer, 'e's in an 'ut."

Household Note.—(By a Cockney). What to do with cold mutton. Heat it.

Cockney Conundrum.—Wot lake in Hengland's got the glassiest buzzum?

Windermere.

For Cives Romani.—The way to 'Ampton races?—The 'Appy 'Un (Appian) of course.

'Bus Conductor. "Emmersmith! Emmersmith! 'Ere ye are Emmersmith!"

Liza Ann. "Oo er yer callin' Emmer Smith? Sorcy 'ound!"

Poor Letter "A."

"Do you sell type?"—"Type, sir? No, sir. This is an ironmonger's. You'll find type at the linendryper's over the w'y!"

"I don't mean tape, man! Type, for printing!"

"Oh, toype yer mean! I beg yer pardon, sir!"

MYOPIA

Little Binks (to unsteady party who had lurched heavily against him). "I beg your pardon, I'm sure, but I'm very short-sighted——"

Dissipated Stranger. "Do' mensh't, shir—I've met goo' many shor' sight peopl'sh morn', bu' you're firsh gen'l'm'sh made 'shli'sht 'pology!"

Our 'Arry Again!

'Arry is at a hotel where the boarding system prevails, and sees the following notice posted on the walls—"Breakfast, 9 a.m."

'Arry (to Waiter). "Breakfast, and some 'am."

Waiter. "We've no 'am."

'Arry. "No 'am! (Pointing to notice.) What's that?"

Says one 'Arry to another 'Arry. "I say, old man, the papers say they 'ope 1882 will be the openin' of a new era. What's that?"

Second 'Arry. "Openin' of a new 'earer? Why, a telephone, of course, you juggins!"

A SONG FOR COCKNEY SPORTSMEN

GOOD NEWS

'Arry. "T'aint no good miking a fuss about it, yer know, guv'nor! Me and my pals must 'ave our 'd'y out'!"

Foreign Fellow-traveller. "Aha! Die out! You go to die out? Mon Dieu! I am vairy glad to 'ear it. It is time!"

FORCE OF HABIT; OR, CITY SUSPICIONS

'Arry (who is foraging for his camping party). "Look here, my good woman, are these cabbages fresh?"

Little Dobbs. "Hullo! what's that? Looks like a mowing machine."

Hairdresser (who does not appreciate "chaff"). "No, sir, 'tain't a mowin' machine. It's meant to give gentlemen fresh hair."

BITING SARCASM

Gentleman with the Broom (who has inadvertently splashed the artist's favourite shipwreck). "Ow yus! I suppose yer think ye're the president o' the Roy'l Acadermy! A settin' there in the lap er luxury!!"

FOREIGN COMPETITION

British Habitual Criminal. "Well, if these 'ere furrin aliens is a-goin' ter take the bread out of a honest man's mouth—blimey if I don't turn copper!"

Very Appropriate.—Says 'Arry, "Regular good place for a medical man to live in is 'Ill Street, Berkeley Square. But why don't he cure it and make it Quite Well Street?"

COMMENT BY A COCKNEY

'Arriet read from a daily paper, "Navigation in the Ouse." "I s'pose," said 'Arry, "as the members are goin' to 'ave a 'ouse-boat this season. Which 'ouse? Hupper or lower? Whichever's to steer? The Speaker or Lord 'Igh Chancellor?"

Two Distinct Classes.—The aristocracy and the 'Arry-stocracy.

Withering.

'Arry. "I s'y—does one tip the witers 'ere?"

Alphonse. "Not onless you are reecher zan ze vaiter, sare!"