A SONG OF SPRING
Reading edition
By a Cockney Poet.
All hail, thou jocund time of year, To Cockneys and cock-robins dear! All hail, thou flowery, showery season, When throstles, mating, perch the trees on: When sparrows on the house-tops sit, And court their loves with cheery twit: While opera songsters tune their throats, Exchanging for our gold their notes! Now Nature her new dress receives, And dinner-tables spread their leaves; Asparagus again one sees, And early ducklings, served with peas; Again the crisp whitebait we crunch, And chops of lambkin blithely munch; Salmon again our shops afford, And plovers' eggs adorn the board; While for one day at least our sons May stuff themselves with hot cross buns! See now the swells begin to show Their horsemanship in Rotten Row: See now the Drive is thronged once more, And idlers lounge there as of yore: See now fair April fills Mayfair, And gives new life to Grosvenor Square. See now what crowds flock to the Zoo, Where Master Hippo is on view See daffodils, and daisies pied In bloom, and buttercups beside: See now the thorn, and e'en the rose Signs of returning Spring disclose: See now the lilac large in bud; While costermongers, splashed with mud, The product of the passing showers, Cry, "Here's yer all a blowing flowers!" Or wake the echoes of the groves[A] With "Hornaments for yer fire-stoves!"
'Appy 'Arry—
"With my new panama-a-ar And tupp'ny ciga-a-ar."
ENCOURAGING, VERY!
Cockney Art-Teacher (newly arrived and nervous—after a long silence). "If you should see a chance o' drorin' any thing correctly—DO SO!!"
[Collapse of expectant student.
Standing no Nonsense.
'Arry. "Phew!"—(the weather was warm, and they had walked over from 'Ammersmith)—"bring us a bottle o'champagne, waiter."
Waiter. "Yessir—dry, sir?"
'Arry (aughtily, to put a stop to this familiarity at once). "Never you mind whether we're dry or whether we ain't!—bring the wine!"
Sheredity.
Lady. "You don't mean to tell me that this little girl is fit to wait at table!"
Mother (proudly). "Well 'm, she ought to be, seein' as 'ow 'er father 'as been a plate layer for five-and-twenty year!"
Lady (referring to programme, to friend). "'Schumann, op. 2.' What's the meaning of 'op. 2'?"
'Arry (who thinks he is being addressed, and always ready to oblige with information). "Oh, op. 2. Second dance; second 'op, yer know. May I 'ave the pleasure?"
The Sale of Intoxicants to Children Bill.
"It's another hinjustice to hus pore wimmen, it is! They won't let us send the kids for it now, an' if my heldest boy goes for it 'e 'as 'arf of it 'isself, 'an' if my old man goes 'e never comes back! so the hend of it is, I 'ave to go for it myself!"
Discouraging.
Nervous Philanthropist (on a slumming excursion). "Can you tell me if this is Little Erebus Street, my man?"
Suspicious-looking Party. "Yus."
Nervous P. "Er—rather a rough sort of thoroughfare, isn't it?"
Suspicious-looking P. "Yus; it is a bit thick. The further yer gows daown, the thicker it gits. I lives in the last 'aouse."
[Exit philanthropist hurriedly in the opposite direction.
The Festive Season.
First Burglar. "'Ere's a go, mate! This 'ere bit o' turkey, knuckile hend of an 'am, arf a sossidge, and the 'olly off the plum-puddin'! Might as well 'ave looked in on a bloomin' vegetarian!"
Temperance Orator. "Ho, pause, my dear friends, pause!" A Voice. "Ye're right, ole man, they are!"
Cockney Hobservation.
Cockneys are not the only people who drop or exasperate the "h's." It is done by common people in the provinces, and you may laugh at them for it. The deduction therefore is, that a peasant, with an "h," is fair game.
New Cockney Saint.—Mrs. Malaprop declares that if she lives to be a hundred—and all her family detain a venerated age—she will certainly have a Saint 'Enery.
Riddle by 'Arry.—"Look 'ere, if you're speakin' of a young unmarried lady bein' rather 'uffy, what well-known river would you name?—Why, 'Miss is 'ippy,' o' course."
EASTER MONDAY
'Arry. "Do you pass any pubs on the way to Broadstairs, cabby?"
Cabby. "Yes. Lots."
'Arry. "Well, don't!"
"I beg your pardon, ma'am, but I think you dropped this?"
THE END
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD., PRINTERS, LONDON AND TONBRIDGE