Volume 5 — The MISSES Complaint.

Tune, Packington’s Pound.

[Listen]

HOW now Sister Betteris, why look you so sad? Gillian. The times are so hard and our trading so bad, That we in our Function no Money can gain, Our Pride and our Bravery for to maintain. Bett. True Sister, Gillian, I know it full well, But what will you say if such News I do tell? And how’t will rejoyce you, I’ll make it out plain, Will make our Trade quick, and more Money will gain. There’s none of the pitiful Tribe we’ll be for, And Six-penny Customers we will abhor; For all those that will our Dominions invade, Must pay for their sauce, we must live by our Trade. Gil. Good Sister if you can make this but appear, My Spirit and Senses you greatly will chear, But a Famine of Flesh will bring all things to pass, Or else we are as bad still as ever we was. Bett. Lately a Counsel of Bauds there did meet, In Cock and Pye Alley, near Do-little Street: And who was the Counsel, and what was there done; I’ll make it out to you as clear as the Sun. From Ratcliffe-highway, and from Nightingale-lane, Their Deputies come with a very fine Train: Unto these two Couple come long sided Sue, Is as good as e’er twang’d, if you give her her due. Then Tower-Ditch and Hatton-Wall sent in their Prayers, And drest as compleatly as Horses to Fairs; With them Jumping Jenny appear’d, as ’tis said, Who ne’er in her Life of a Man was afraid. The two Metropolitans came from the Park, As arch at the Game, as e’er plaid in the Dark; Then Lutener’s-lane a gay Couple did bring, Two better, I think, was ne’er stretch’d in hemp-string. There was many others from Places remote, The which were too tedious for me here to note; And what was their Business I here will declare, How to keep our Trade in Repute they take care. And first for those Ladies that walk in the Night, Their Aprons and Handkerchiefs they should be white, And that they do walk more in Town than in Fields, For that is the Place most Variety yields. And those that are over-much worn by their Trade, Shall go in a Vessel, their Passage being paid; The Venture of Cuckolds, ’tis called by Name, And this is the way for to keep up our Fame. And this is the Ship which the Cuckolds have brought, It lies at their Haven, and is to be frought: And thither Whores rampant, that please may repair, With Master and Captain to truck for their Ware. And for a Supply that our trade may increase, For wanton Commodity it will grow less; We’ll visit the Carriers, and take them up there, And then for their Tutering we will take care. In this we shall ease all the Countries to do’t, And do our selves Pleasure and Profit to boot; For one that is crack’d in the Country before, In London will make a spick and span Whore. There’s many more Precepts which they did advise, But these which I’ll give you here shall suffice: And when you have heard them, I think you will say, We ne’er were more likely to thrive in our way.

Some Orders agreed upon at a General Consultation of the Sisterhood of Nightingale-lane, Ratcliff-high-way, Tower-Ditch, Rose-mary-lane, Hatton-Wall, Saffron-hill, Wetstone’s-Park, Lutener’s-lane, and other Places adjacent, for the general Encouragement and Advancement of their Occupation.

I.

THat no Night-walker presume to go without a White Apron and Handkerchief, the better to be seen.

II.

To keep due Time and Hours, for fear of the Constable and his Watch.

III.

That those which are over-worn, cast off and cashier’d, do repair to the Ship called (the Cuckolds Venture) now riding at Cuckolds Haven, thence to be transported over-Sea, to have their Breeches repaired.

IV.

That a due care be taken to visit the Carriers for crack’d Maidenheads, for the use and increase of our Occupation.

V.

That all honest Women belonging to either Wittals or Cuckolds, be admitted to the principal Places in this Ship.

VI.

And lastly, for the better State and Magnificence of the honourable Corporation of W——es, ’tis order’d that a Chariot be made to be drawn by Cuckolds, the Cuckold-makers to drive, and the Wittals to ride.