Act 4 — ACT IV. SCENE I.

Enter Lady Arabella, as just up, walking pensively to her Toilet, follow'd by Trusty.

Lady Ara. Well, sure never woman had such luck—these devilish dice!—--Sit up all night; lose all one's money, and then——how like a hag I look. [Sits at her toilet, turning her purse inside out.] Not a guinea——worth less by a hundred pounds than I was by one o'clock this morning——and then——I was worth nothing——what is to be done, Trusty!

Trus. I wish I were wise enough to tell you, Madam; but if there comes in any good company to breakfast with your Ladyship, perhaps you may have a run of better fortune.

Lady Ara. But I han't a guinea to try my fortune——let me see——who was that impertinent man, that was so saucy last week about money, that I was forc'd to promise once more, he shou'd have what I ow'd him, this morning?

Trus. O, I remember, Madam; it was your old mercer Short-yard, that you turn'd off a year ago, because he would trust you no longer.

Lady Ara. That's true; and I think I bid the steward keep the thirty guineas out of some money he was paying me to stop his odious mouth.

Trus. Your Ladyship did so.

Lady Ara. Pr'ythee, Trusty, run and see whether the wretch has got the money yet; if not, tell the steward, I have occasion for it myself; run quickly.

[Trusty runs to the door.

Trus. Ah, Madam, he's just paying it away now, in the hall.

Lady Ara. Stop him! quick, quick, dear Trusty.

Trus. Hem, hem, Mr. Money-bag, a word with you quickly.

Mon. [Within.] I'll come presently.

Trus. Presently won't do, you must come this moment.

Mon. I'm but just paying a little money.

Trus. Cods my life, paying money, is the man distracted? Come here, I tell you, to my Lady this moment, quick.

[Money-bag comes to the door with a purse in's hand.

My Lady says you must not pay the money to-day, there's a mistake in the account, which she must examine; and she's afraid too there was a false guinea or two left in the purse, which might disgrace her. [Twitches the purse from him.] But she's too busy to look for 'em just now, so you must bid Mr. What-d'ye-call-'em come another time. There they are, Madam. [Gives her the money.] The poor things were so near gone, they made me tremble; I fancy your Ladyship will give me one of those false guineas for good luck. [Takes a guinea.] Thank you, Madam.

Lady Ara. Why, I did not bid you take it.

Trus. No, but your Ladyship look'd as if you were just going to bid me; so I took it to save your Ladyship the trouble of speaking.

Lady Ara. Well, for once——but hark——I think I hear the man making a noise yonder.

Trus. Nay, I don't expect he'll go out of the house quietly. I'll listen.

[Goes to the door.

Lady Ara. Do.

Trus. He's in a bitter passion with poor Money-bag; I believe he'll beat him——Lord, how he swears!

Lady Ara. And a sober citizen too! that's a shame.

Trus. He says he will speak with you, Madam, tho' the devil held your door——Lord! he's coming hither full drive, but I'll lock him out.

Lady Ara. No matter, let him come; I'll reason with him.

Trus. But he's a saucy fellow for all that.

Enter Short-yard.

What wou'd you have, Sir?

Short. I wou'd have my due, Mistress.

Trus. That wou'd be——to be well cudgel'd, Master, for coming so familiarly, where you shou'd not come.

Lady Ara. Do you think you do well, Sir, to intrude into my dressing-room?

Short. Madam, I sold my goods to you in your dressing room, I don't know why I mayn't ask for my money there.

Lady Ara. You are very short, Sir.

Short. Your Ladyship won't complain of my patience being so?

Lady Ara. I complain of nothing that ought not to be complained of; but I hate ill manners.

Short. So do I, Madam,—but this is the seventeenth time I have been ordered to come with good-manners for my money, to no purpose.

Lady Ara. Your money, man! Is that the matter? Why it has lain in the steward's hands this week for you.

Short. Madam, you yourself appointed me to come this very morning for it.

Lady Ara. But why did you come so late then?

Short. So late! I came soon enough, I thought.

Lady Ara. That thinking wrong, makes us liable to a world of disappointments: If you had thought of coming one minute sooner, you had had your money.

Short. Gad bless me, Madam, I had the money as I thought, I'm sure it was telling out, and I was writing a receipt for't.

Trus. Why there you thought wrong again, Master.

Lady Ara. Yes, for you shou'd never think of writing a receipt till the money is in your pocket.

Short. Why, I did think 'twas in my pocket.

Trus. Look you, thinking again. Indeed, Mr. Short-yard, you make so many blunders, 'tis impossible but you must suffer by it, in your way of trade. I'm sorry for you, and you'll be undone.

Short. And well I may, when I sell my goods to people that won't pay me for 'em, till the interest of my money eats out all my profit: I sold them so cheap, because I thought I shou'd be paid the next day.

Trus. Why, there again! there's another of your thoughts; paid the next day, and you han't been paid this twelvemonth you see.

Short. Oons, I han't been paid at all, Mistress.

Lady Ara. Well, tradesmen are strange unreasonable creatures, refuse to sell people any more things, and then quarrel with 'em because they don't pay for those they have had already. Now what can you say to that, Mr. Short-yard?

Short. Say! Why—'Sdeath, Madam, I don't know what you talk of, I don't understand your argument.

Lady Ara. Why, what do you understand, man?

Short. Why, I understand that I have had above a hundred pounds due to me a year ago; that I came, by appointment, just now to receive it: that it proved at last to be but thirty instead of a hundred and ten; and that while the steward was telling even that out, and I was writing the receipt, comes Mrs. Pop here, and the money was gone. But I'll be banter'd no longer if there's law in England. Say no more, Short-yard.

[Exit.

Trus. What a passion the poor devil's in!

Lady Ara. Why truly one can't deny but he has some present cause to be a little in ill-humour, but when one has things of greater consequence on foot, one can't trouble one's self about making such creatures easy; so call for breakfast, Trusty, and set the hazard-table ready; if there comes no company I'll play a little by myself.

Enter Lord Loverule.

Lord Love. Pray what offence, Madam, have you given to a man I met with just as I came in?

Lady Ara. People who are apt to take offence, do it for small matters, you know.

Lord Love. I shall be glad to find this so; but he says you have owed him above a hundred pounds this twelvemonth; that he has been here forty times by appointment for it, to no purpose; and that coming here this morning upon positive assurance from yourself, he was trick'd out of the money, while he was writing a receipt for it, and sent away without a farthing.

Lady Ara. Lord, how these shopkeepers will lye!

Lord Love. What then is the business? for some ground the man must have to be in such a passion.

Lady Ara. I believe you'll rather wonder to see me so calm, when I tell you he had the insolence to intrude into my very dressing-room here, with a story without a head or tail; you know, Trusty, we cou'd not understand one word he said, but when he swore——Good Lord! how the wretch did swear!

Trus. I never heard the like for my part.

Lord Love. And all this for nothing?

Lady Ara. So it proved, my Lord, for he got nothing by it.

Lord Love. His swearing I suppose was for his money, Madam. Who can blame him?

Lady Ara. If he swore for money he should be put in the pillory.

Lord Love. Madam, I won't be banter'd, nor sued by this man for your extravagancies: do you owe him the money or not?

Lady Ara. He says I do, but such fellows will say any thing.

Lord Love. Provoking! [Aside.] Did not I desire an account from you of all your debts, but six months since, and give you money to clear them?

Lady Ara. My Lord, you can't imagine how accounts make my head ake.

Lord Love. That won't do. The steward gave you two hundred pounds besides, but last week; where's that?

Lady Ara. Gone!

Lord Love. Gone! where?

Lady Ara. Half the town over, I believe, by this time.

Lord Love. Madam, Madam, this can be endured no longer, and before a month passes expect to find me—

Lady Ara. Hist, my Lord, here's company.

Enter Captain Toupee.

Captain Toupee, your servant: What, nobody with you? do you come quite alone?

Capt. 'Slife, I thought to find company enough here. My Lord, your servant. What a deuce, you look as if you had been up all night. I'm sure I was in bed but three hours; I wou'd you'd give me some coffee.

Lady Ara. Some coffee there; tea too, and chocolate.

Capt. [Singing a minuet and dancing.] Well, what a strange fellow am I to be thus brisk, after losing all my money last night——but upon my soul you look sadly.

Lady Ara. No matter for that, if you'll let me win a little of your money this morning.

Capt. What with that face? Go, go wash it, go wash it, and put on some handsome things; you look'd a good likely woman last night; I would not much have cared if you had run five hundred pounds in my debt; but if I play with you this morning, I'gad I'd advise you to win; for I won't take your personal security at present for a guinea.

Lord Love. To what a nauseous freedom do women of quality of late admit these trifling fops! and there's a morning exercise will give 'em claim to greater freedoms still. [Points to the hazard-table.] Some course must be taken.

[Exit.

Capt. What, is my Lord gone? he look'd methought as if he did not delight much in my company. Well, peace and plenty attend him for your Ladyship's sake, and those——who have now and then the honour to win a hundred pounds of you.

[Goes to the table singing, and throws.

Lady Ara. [Twitching the box from him.] What, do you intend to win all the money upon the table——Seven's the main—Set me a million, Toupee.

Capt. I set you two, my queen—Six to seven.

Lady Ara. Six——the world's my own.

Both. Ha, ha, ha!

Lady Ara. O that my Lord had spirit enough about him to let me play for a thousand pound a-night——But here comes country company——

Enter Lady Headpiece, Miss Betty, Mrs. Motherly, and Colonel Courtly.

Your servant, Madam, good-morrow to you.

Lady Head. And to you, Madam. We are come to breakfast with you. Lord, are you got to those pretty things already?

[Points to the dice.

Lady Ara. You see we are not such idle folks in town as you country ladies take us to be; we are no sooner out of our beds, but we are at our work.

Miss Betty. Will dear Lady Arabella give us leave, mother, to do a stitch or two with her?

[Takes the box and throws.

Capt. The pretty lively thing!

Lady Ara. With all her heart; what says her mama?

Lady Head. She says she don't love to sit with her hands before her, when other people's are employed.

Capt. And this is the prettiest little sociable work, men and women can all do together at it.

Lady Head. Colonel, you are one with us, are you not?

Lady Ara. O, I'll answer for him, he'll be out at nothing.

Capt. In a facetious way; he is the politest person; he will lose his money to the ladies so civilly, and will win theirs with so much good breeding; and he will be so modest to 'em before company, and so impudent to 'em in a dark corner. Ha! colonel!

Lady Head. So I found him, I'm sure, last night——Mercy on me, an ounce of virtue less than I had, and Sir Francis had been undone.

Capt. Colonel, I smoke you.

Col. And a fine character you give the ladies of me, to help me.

Capt. I give 'em just the character of you they like, modest and brave. Come, ladies, to business; look to your money, every woman her hand upon her purse.

Miss Betty. Here's mine, captain.

Capt. O the little soft velvet one—and it's as full—Come, Lady Blowse, rattle your dice and away with 'em.

Lady Ara. Six——at all——five to six——Five——Eight——at all again——Nine to eight——Nine——

Enter Sir Francis, and stands gazing at 'em.

Seven's the main——at all for ever.

[Throws out.

Miss Betty. Now, mama, let's see what you can do.

[Lady Headpiece takes the box.

Lady Head. Well, I'll warrant you, daughter——

Miss Betty. If you do, I'll follow a good example.

Lady Head. Eight's the main——don't spare me, gentlemen, I fear you not——have at you all——seven to eight——seven.

Capt. Eight, Lady, eight——Five pounds if you please.

Lady Ara. Three, kinswoman.

Col. Two, Madam.

Miss Betty. And one for Miss, Mama——and now let's see what I can do. [Aside.] If I should win enough this morning to buy me another new gown—O bless me! there they go——seven——come, captain, set me boldly, I want to be at a handful.

Capt. There's two for you, miss.

Miss Betty. I'll at 'em, tho' I die for't.

Sir Fran. Ah, my poor child, take care.

[Runs to stop the throw.

Miss Betty. There.

Capt. Out—twenty pound], young lady.

Sir Fran. False dice, Sir.

Capt. False dice, Sir? I scorn your words——twenty pounds, Madam.

Miss Betty. Undone, undone!

Sir Fran. She shan't pay you a farthing, Sir; I won't have miss cheated.

Capt. Cheated, Sir?

Lady Head. What do you mean, Sir Francis, to disturb the company, and abuse the gentleman thus?

Sir Fran. I mean to be in a passion.

Lady Head. And why will you be in a passion, Sir Francis?

Sir Fran. Because I came here to breakfast with my Lady there, before I went down to the house, expecting to find my family set round a civil table with her, upon some plumb-cake, hot rolls, and a cup of strong beer; instead of which, I find these good women staying their stomachs with a box and dice, and that man there, with a strange perriwig, making a good hearty meal upon my wife and daughter.——

Cætera desunt.