Act 3 — ACT III. SCENE I.

Enter Lady Headpiece and Mrs. Motherly.

Lady Head. So, you are acquainted with Lady Arabella, I find.

Mrs. Moth. Oh, Madam, I have had the honour to know her Ladyship almost from a child, and a charming woman she has made.

Lady Head. I like her prodigiously; I had some acquaintance with her in the country two years ago; but she's quite another woman here.

Mrs. Moth. Ah, Madam, two years keeping company with the polite people of the town will do wonders in the improvement of a lady, so she has it but about her.

Lady Head. Now 'tis my misfortune, Mrs. Motherly, to come late to school.

Mrs. Moth. Oh! don't be discourag'd at that, Madam, the quickness of your ladyship's parts will easily recover your loss of a little time.

Lady Head. O! You flatter me! But I'll endeavour by industry and application to make it up; such parts as I have shall not lie idle. My Lady Arabella has been so good to offer me already her introduction, to those assemblies, where a woman may soonest learn to make herself valuable to every body.

Mrs. Moth. But her husband. [Aside.] Her Ladyship, Madam, can indeed, better than any body, introduce you, where every thing that accomplishes a fine lady, is practised to the last perfection; Madam, she herself is at the very tip-top of it——'tis pity, poor lady, she shou'd meet with any discouragements.

Lady Head. Discouragements! from whence pray?

Mrs. Moth. From home sometimes——my Lord a—

Lady Head. What does he do?

Mrs. Moth. But one should not talk of people of qualities family-concerns.

Lady Head. O, no matter, Mrs. Motherly, as long as it goes no farther. My Lord, you were saying——

Mrs. Moth. Why, my Lord, Madam, is a little humoursome, they say.

Lady Head. Humoursome?

Mrs. Moth. Yes, they say he's humoursome.

Lady Head. As how, pray?

Mrs. Moth. Why, if my poor lady perhaps does but stay out at night, may be four or five hours after he's in bed, he'll be cross.

Lady Head. What, for such a thing as that?

Mrs. Moth. Yes, he'll be cross; and then if she happens, it may be, to be unfortunate at play, and lose a great deal of money, more than she has to pay, then Madam——he'll snub.

Lady Head. Out upon him! snub such a woman as she is? I can tell you, Mrs. Motherly, I that am but a country lady, should Sir Francis take upon him to snub me, in London, he'd raise a spirit would make his hair stand on end.

Mrs. Moth. Really, Madam, that's the only way to deal with 'em.

Enter Miss Betty.

And here comes pretty Miss Betty, that I believe will never be made a fool of, when she's married.

Miss Betty. No by my troth won't I. What are you talking of my being married, mother?

Lady Head. No, Miss; Mrs. Motherly was only saying what a good wife you wou'd make, when you were so.

Miss Betty. The sooner it is try'd, mother, the sooner it will be known. Lord, here's the colonel, Madam!

Enter Colonel.

Lady Head. Colonel, your servant.

Miss Betty. Your servant, colonel.

Col. Ladies, your most obedient——I hope, Madam, the town air agrees with you?

Lady Head. Mighty well, Sir.

Miss Betty. Oh prodigious well, Sir. We have bought a new coach and an ocean of new clothes, and we are to go to the play to-night, and to-morrow we go to the opera, and next night we go to the assembly, and then the next night after, we——

Lady Head. Softly, Miss——Do you go to the play to-night, colonel?

Col. I did not design it, Madam; but now I find there is to be such good company, I'll do myself the honour (if you'll give me leave, ladies) to come and lead you to your coach.

Lady Head. It's extremely obliging.

Miss Betty. It is indeed mighty well-bred. Lord! colonel, what a difference there is between your way and our country companions; one of them would have said, what, you are aw gooing to the playhouse then? Yes, says we, won't you come and lead us out? No, by good feggins, says he, ye ma' e'en ta' care o' yoursells, y'are awd enough; and so he'd ha' gone to get drunk at the tavern against we came home to supper.

Mrs. Moth. Ha, ha, ha! well, sure Madam, your Ladyship is the happiest mother in the world to have such a charming companion to your daughter.

Col. The prettiest creature upon earth!

Miss Betty. D'ye hear that, mother? Well, he's a fine gentleman really, and I think a man of admirable sense.

Lady Head. Softly, Miss, he'll hear you.

Miss Betty. If he does, Madam, he'll think I say true, and he'll like me never the worse for that, I hope. Where's your niece Martilla, Mrs. Motherly? Mama, won't you carry Martilla to the play with us?

Lady Head. With all my heart, child.

Col. She's a very pretty civil sort of woman, Madam, and miss will be very happy in having such a companion in the house with her.

Miss Betty. So I shall indeed, Sir, and I love her dearly already, we are growing very great together.

Lady Head. But what's become of your brother, child? I han't seen him these two hours, where is he?

Miss Betty. Indeed, mother, I don't know where he is; I saw him asleep about half an hour ago by the kitchen fire.

Col. Must not he go to the play too?

Lady Head. Yes, I think he shou'd go, tho' he'll be weary on't, before it's half done.

Miss Betty. Weary? yes; and then he'll sit, and yawn, and stretch like a grayhound by the fire-side, 'till he does some nasty thing or other, that they'll turn him out of the house, so it's better to leave him at home.

Mrs. Moth. O, that were pity, Miss. Plays will enliven him——see, here he comes, and my niece with him.

Enter Squire Humphry and Martilla.

Col. Your servant, Sir; you come in good time, the ladies are all going to the play, and wanted you to help to gallant them.

Squire Humph. And so 'twill be nine o'clock, before one shall get any supper.

Miss Betty. Supper! why your dinner is not out of your mouth yet, at least 'tis all about the brims of it. See how greasy his chops is, mother.

Lady Head. Nay, if he han't a mind to go, he need not. You may stay here 'till your father comes home from the parliament-house, and then you may eat a broil'd bone together.

Miss Betty. Yes, and drink a tankard of strong beer together; and then he may tell you all he has been doing in the parliament-house, and you may tell him all you have been thinking of when you were asleep, in the kitchen: and then if you'll put it all down in writing, when we come from the play, I'll read it to the company.

Squire Humph. Sister, I don't like your joaking, and you are not a well-behav'd young woman; and altho' my mother encourages you, my thoughts are, you are not too big to be whipt.

Miss Betty. How, sirrah?

Squire Humph. There's a civil young gentlewoman stands there, is worth a hundred of you. And I believe she'll be married before you.

Miss Betty. Cots my life, I have a good mind to pull your eyes out.

Lady Head. Hold, Miss, hold, don't be in such a passion, neither.

Miss Betty. Mama, it is not that I am angry at any thing he says to commend Martilla, for I wish she were to be marry'd to-morrow, that I might have a dance at her wedding; but what need he abuse me for? I wish the lout had mettle enough to be in love with her, she'd make pure sport with him. [Aside.] Does your Heaviness find any inclinations moving towards the lady you admire——Speak! are you in love with her?

Squire Humph. I am in love with nobody; and if any body be in love with me, mayhap they had as good be quiet.

Miss Betty. Hold your tongue, I'm quite sick of you. Come, Martilla, you are to go to the play with us.

Mart. Am I, Miss? I am ready to wait upon you.

Lady Head. I believe it's time we should be going; Colonel, is not it?

Col. Yes, Madam, I believe it is.

Lady Head. Come, then; who is there?

Enter Servant.

Is the coach at the door?

Serv. It has been there this hafe haur, so please your Ladyship.

Miss Betty. And are all the people in the street gazing at it, Tom?

Serv. That are they, Madam; and Roger has drank so much of his own beveridge, that he's even as it were gotten a little drunk.

Lady Head. Not so drunk, I hope, but that he can drive us?

Serv. Yes, yes, Madam, he drives best when he's a little upish. When Roger's head turns, raund go the wheels, i'faith.

Miss Betty. Never fear, Mama, as long as it's to the playhouse, there's no danger.

Lady Head. Well, daughter, since you are so courageous, it shan't be said I make any difficulty; and if the Colonel is so gallant, to have a mind to share our danger, we have room for him, if he pleases.

Col. Madam, you do me a great deal of honour, and I'm sure you give me a great deal of pleasure.

Miss Betty. Come, dear Mama, away we go.

[Exeunt all but Squire, Martilla, and Mrs. Motherly.

Squire Humph. I did not think you would have gone.

[To Martilla.

Mart. O, I love a play dearly.

[Exit.

Mrs. Moth. I wonder, Squire, that you wou'd not go to the play with 'em.

Squire Humph. What needed Martilla have gone? they were enough without her.

Mrs. Moth. O, she was glad to go to divert herself; and besides, my Lady desired her to go with them.

Squire Humph. And so I am left alone.

Mrs. Moth. Why, wou'd you have car'd for her company?

Squire Humph. Rather than none.

Mrs. Moth. On my conscience he's ready to cry; this is matter to think of: but here comes Sir Francis.

[Aside.

Enter Sir Francis.

How do you do, Sir? I'm afraid these late parliament hours won't agree with you.

Sir Fran. Indeed, I like them not, Mrs. Motherly; if they wou'd dine at twelve o'clock, as we do in the country, a man might be able to drink a reasonable bottle between that and supper-time.

Mrs. Moth. That wou'd be much better indeed, Sir Francis.

Sir Fran. But then when we consider that what we undergo, is in being busy for the good of our country,——O, the good of our country is above all things; what a noble and glorious thing it is, Mrs. Motherly, that England can boast of five hundred zealous gentlemen, all in one room, all of one mind, upon a fair occasion, to go altogether by the ears for the good of their country!—--Humphry, perhaps you'll be a senator in time, as your father is now; and when you are, remember your country; spare nothing for the good of your country! and when you come home, at the end of the sessions, you will find yourself so adored, that your country will come and dine with you every day in the week. O, here's my uncle Richard.

Enter Uncle Richard.

Mrs. Moth. I think, Sir, I had better get you a mouthful of something to stay your stomach 'till supper.

[Exit.

Sir Fran. With all my heart, for I'm almost famish'd.

Squire Humph. And so shall I before my mother comes from the playhouse, so I'll go and get a butter'd toast.

[Exit.

Sir Fran. Uncle, I hope you are well.

Unc. Rich. Nephew, if I had been sick I wou'd not have come abroad; I suppose you are well, for I sent this morning, and was inform'd you went out early; was it to make your court to some of the great men?

Sir Fran. Yes, uncle, I was advised to lose no time, so I went to one great man, whom I had never seen before.

Unc. Rich. And who had you got to introduce you?

Sir Fran. Nobody; I remember'd I had heard a wise man say, My son, be bold; so I introduced myself.

Unc. Rich. As how, I pray?

Sir Fran. Why thus, uncle; please your Lordship, says I, I am Sir Francis Headpiece of Headpiece-Hall, and member of parliament for the ancient borough of Gobble-Guiney. Sir, your humble servant, says my Lord, tho' I have not the honour to know your person, I have heard you are a very honest gentleman, and I am very glad your borough has made choice of so worthy a representative; have you any service to command me? Those last words, uncle, gave me great encouragement: And tho' I know you have not any very great opinion of my parts, I believe you won't say I mist it now.

Unc. Rich. I hope I shall have no cause.

Sir Fran. My Lord, says I, I did not design to say any thing to your Lordship to-day about business; but since your Lordship is so kind and free, as to bid me speak if I have any service to command you, I will.

Unc. Rich. So.

Sir Fran. I have, says I, my Lord, a good estate, but it's a little out at elbows: and as I desire to serve my king as well as my country, I shall be very willing to accept of a place at court.

Unc. Rich. This was bold indeed.

Sir Fran. I'cod, I shot him flying, uncle; another man would have been a month before he durst have open'd his mouth about a place. But you shall hear. Sir Francis, says my Lord, what sort of a place may you have turn'd your thoughts upon? My Lord, says I, beggars must not be choosers; but some place about a thousand a year, I believe, might do pretty weel to begin with. Sir Francis, says he, I shall be glad to serve you in any thing I can; and in saying these words he gave me a squeeze by the hand, as much as to say, I'll do your business. And so he turn'd to a Lord that was there, who look'd as if he came for a place too.

Unc. Rich. And so your fortune's made.

Sir Fran. Don't you think so, uncle?

Unc. Rich. Yes, for just so mine was made——twenty years ago. Sir Fran. Why, I never knew you had a place, uncle.

Unc. Rich. Nor I neither upon my faith, nephew: but you have been down at the house since you made your court, have not you?

Sir Fran. O yes; I would not neglect the house for ever so much.

Unc. Rich. And what might they have done there to-day, I pray?

Sir Fran. Why truly, uncle, I cannot well tell what they did. But I'll tell you what I did: I happen'd to make a little sort of a mistake.

Unc. Rich. How was that?

Sir Fran. Why you must know, uncle, they were all got into a sort of a hodge-podge argument for the good of the nation, which I did not well understand; however I was convinced, and so resolved to vote aright according to my conscience; but they made such a puzzling business on't, when they put the question, as they call it, that, I believe, I cry'd Ay, when I should have cry'd No; for a sort of a Jacobite that sat next me, took me by the hand, and said, Sir, you are a man of honour, and a true Englishman, and I shou'd be glad to be better acquainted with you, and so he pull'd me along with the croud into the lobby with him, when I believe I should have staid where I was.

Unc. Rich. And so, if you had not quite made your fortune before, you have clench'd it now. Ah, thou head of the Headpieces! [Aside.] How now, what's the matter here?

Enter Lady Headpiece, &c. in disorder, some dirty, some lame, some bloody.

Sir Fran. Mercy on us! they are all kill'd.

Miss Betty. Not for a thousand pounds; but we have been all down in the dirt together.

Lady Head. We have had a sad piece of work on't, Sir Francis, overturn'd in the channel, as we were going to the playhouse.

Miss Betty. Over and over, papa; had it been coming from the playhouse, I shou'd not have car'd a farthing.

Sir Fran. But, child, you are hurt, your face is all bloody.

Miss Betty. O, Sir, my new gown is all dirty.

Lady Head. The new coach is all spoil'd.

Miss Betty. The glasses are all to bits.

Lady Head. Roger has put out his arm.

Miss Betty. Would he had put out his neck, for making us lose the play.

Squire Humph. Poor Martilla has scratch'd her little finger.

Lady Head. And here's the poor Colonel; nobody asks what he has done. I hope, Sir, you have got no harm?

Col. Only a little wounded with some pins I met with about your Ladyship.

Lady Head. I am sorry any thing about me should do you harm.

Col. If it does, Madam, you have that about you, if you please, will be my cure. I hope your Ladyship feels nothing amiss?

Lady Head. Nothing at all, tho' we did roll about together strangely.

Col. We did, indeed. I'm sure we roll'd so, that my poor hands were got once——I don't know where they were got. But her Ladyship I see will pass by slips.

[Aside.

Sir Fran. It wou'd have been pity the colonel shou'd have receiv'd any damage in his services to the Ladies; he is the most complaisant man to e'm, uncle; always ready when they have occasion for him.

Unc. Rich. Then I believe, nephew, they'll never let him want business.

Sir Fran. O, but they shou'd not ride the free horse to death neither. Come, colonel, you'll stay and drink a bottle, and eat a little supper with us, after your misfortune?

Col. Sir, since I have been prevented from attending the ladies to the play, I shall be very proud to obey their commands here at home.

Sir Fran. A prodigious civil gentleman, uncle; and yet as bold as Alexander upon occasion.

Unc. Rich. Upon a lady's occasion.

Sir Fran. Ha, ha, you're a wag, uncle; but I believe he'd storm any thing.

Unc. Rich. Then I believe your citadel may be in danger.

[Aside.

Sir Fran. Uncle, won't you break your rule for once, and sup from home?

Unc. Rich. The company will excuse me, nephew, they'll be freer without me; so good night to them and you.

Lady Head. Good night to you, Sir, since you won't stay: Come, colonel.

Unc. Rich. Methinks this facetious colonel is got upon a pretty, familiar, easy foot already with the family of the Headpieces—hum.

[Aside. Exit.

Sir Fran. Come, my Lady, let's all in, and pass the evening chearfully. And, d'ye hear, wife——a word in your ear——I have got a promise of a place in court, of a thousand a year, he, hem.

[Exeunt.