WALTER HAMILTON, (continued 17)

We lament that our Father[347] is still secluded, hallowed be thy name, Our kingdom come, our will be done in France and Ireland, as it is in Great Britain. Give us this year, our women and wine, and forgive us our debts, that we may be enabled to satisfy those to whom we are indebted. And lead us not into danger, but deliver us from the disaffected. Amen.

The Address.

High and mighty Prince, unto whom our hearts are open, our desires known, and from whom our secrets are not hid, gratify the thoughts of our hearts by the inspiration of thy goodly Places and Pensions, that we may perfectly love thee, and worthily magnify thy name; through the mediation of Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.

¶ Then shall the Minister, turning to the Host, rehearse distinctly, all the Ten Commandments; and the Host, sitting open-mouthed, shall, after every Commandment, ask the Prince mercy for their transgressions thereof for the time past, and a Pension to keep the same for the time to come, as followeth:

Minister. The Prince spake these words, and said; I am the Prince thy Ruler: thou shall seek no other Prince but me.

Host. O Ministers, place a Pension upon us, that will incline our hearts to keep this law.

Minister. Thou shalt not make to thyself any graven image of Bonaparte, nor a caricature likeness of any thing belonging to the Court or its Minions. Thou shalt not express pleasure at seeing them in the houses of others; for I the Prince thy Ruler am a jealous Prince, and intend to protract the wretchedness of the Fathers upon the Children, unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me, and to extend sinecure-offices and pensions unto thousands in them that love me, and keep my commandments.

Host. O Ministers, be lavish upon us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.

Minister. Thou shalt not expose the name or character of the Prince thy Ruler to contempt, for the Prince will not hold him guiltless, that speaketh disrespectfully of him.

Host. O Ministers procure us a title, to incline our hearts to keep this law.

Minister. Remember that thou attend the division; at all other times thou mayst be absent, and do that thou hast to do, but to be in the division is thy duty to the Prince. In it thou shalt do as the Minister doth, for his majority compensates for his want of ability, and enableth him to create, or destroy; to suspend the laws, or enact new ones; to keep a large Army to stifle the cries of the hungry, to use the bayonet, instead of granting Reform; wherefore the Minister blesseth the majority and sanctifieth it.

Host. O Ministers withhold not our Pensions, but incline our hearts to keep this law.

Minister. Honour the Regent and Lord Castlereagh, that thy seat may be long in the Parliament, which the Boroughmonger hath sold to thee.

Host. O Ministers bestow your gifts upon us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.

Minister. Thou shalt not say that a Prince, or a Duke hath committed Murder.

Host. O ye Princes and Dukes be gracious unto us, and incline our hearts to set aside the law.

Minister. Thou shalt not say the Prince committeth adultery.

Host. O Prince be gracious unto us, and incline our hearts to pervert the law.

Minister. Thou shalt not hesitate to procure false witnesses against those whom we fear.

Host. O Ministers be mindful of us, and incline our hearts to keep this law.

Minister. Thou shalt not covet the company of Reformers, nor be found with them, nor consent to any of their ways, nor be with their wives or servants, or any thing that is theirs.

Host. O Minister by the continuance of our Places, our Pensions, and our Sinecures, write all these thy laws in our hearts we beseech thee.

¶ Then shall follow the Collect for the Ministry belonging to the House of Lords.

Let us Pray. Mighty Prince whose kingdom may not be lasting; whose power is finite; Have mercy upon the whole Host; and be so ruled by thy chosen servants, Liverpool, Sidmouth, Eldon, and their associates, that they (knowing whose Ministers they are) may above all things aggrandize themselves and dependents; and that we (duly considering under whose authority we are) may faithfully serve, honour, and humbly obey them, in view of, and hoping for farther benefits, according to thy word and ordinance; through Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.

¶ A Collect for those of the Ministry of the House of Commons.

Mighty and lasting Prince, we are taught by thy conduct that the hearts of Princes are at the disposal of their Ministers, and that thou dost dispose and turn thine as it seemeth best to their goodly wisdom: We humbly beseech thee so to continue thy condescension to Castlereagh, Vansittart, and their associates, that in all their thoughts, words and actions, they may ever seek their own honour and glory, and study to preserve us committed to their charge, in wealth, peace and goodliness: through Castlereagh our Chief. Amen.

The Creed for the use of Corruption’s Host.

I believe in Lord Castlereagh, the supreme director of all our affairs, maker of treaties for all nations, for the benefit of none; and in the excellence of his features, fundamental and unfundamental.

And in one George Canning, of doubtful origin, the tool and puppet of Lord Castlereagh, who, together with Lord Castlereagh, falling out about their share of the public plunder, went into a certain field to fight with swords and pistols, unfortunately without any intent to kill, who came out again without injury, to the great grief of all the People; who went on an embassy to the Court of Portugal, where there was no King, for the sole purpose of recovering the health of his son, at the expence of many thousands of pounds to the People: he rose again to the Cabinet, from whence he judgeth the Reformers; and his impudence shall have no end.

And I believe in the Prince Regent, Lord and Giver of Places, who, together with the Ministers, we should worship and glorify, who speaketh by Proclamations, Commissioners, 31 and Green Bags; I believe in the stability of the funds, I look not for a remission of taxes, no, not till the Resurrection of the Dead. And I look not for a better Government in the world to come. Amen.

Here endeth the Order for the Administration of the Loaves and Fishes.

(London: R. Carlile, 1817.)

——:o:——

The Chronicles of the Kings of England: Written in the manner of the Ancient Jewish Historians. By Nathan Ben Saddi, a Priest of the Jews. London: Printed for T. Cooper at the Globe in Pater-noster Row. 1741.

This is in two books, and concludes with the reign of George II:

“And George was forty and four years old when he began to reign, and behold the Sceptre continueth in his Hand, the Crown also is on his Head; and he sitteth on the Throne of his Majesty unto this Day.

And now behold these are the Names of the Kings of England, and these are their generations.

George the Second, who was the son of George the First, who was the cousin of Anne, who was the sister-in-law of William the Third, who was the son-in-law of James the Second, who was the brother of Charles the Second, who was the son of Charles the First, who was the son of James the First, who was the cousin of Elizabeth, who was the sister of Mary, who was the sister of Edward the Sixth, who was the son of Henry the Eighth, who was the son of Henry the Seventh, who was the cousin of Richard the Third, who was the uncle of Edward the Fifth, who was the son of Edward the Fourth, who was the cousin of Henry the Sixth, who was the son of Henry the Fifth, who was the son of Henry the Fourth, who was the cousin of Richard the Second, who was the grandson of Edward the Second, who was the son of Edward the First, who was the son of Henry the Third, who was the son of John, who was the brother of Richard the First, who was the son of Henry the Second, who was the cousin of Stephen, who was the cousin of Henry the First, who was the brother of William Rufus, who was the son of William the Conqueror, who was the son of a w——.”

The Chronicle of the Kings of England, from William the Norman to the Death of George III. Written after the manner of the Jewish Historians: with Notes explanatory and illustrative. London: J. Fairburn, 1821.

This is an amplified re-issue of the preceding work, with notes, and repeating the genealogical table so as to include the name of George III. This edition of The Chronicles of the Kings should have a large folding perspective chronology of the Reign of George the Third, which is frequently wanting.

The following is an extract from this work, describing the reigns of Elizabeth and James:

“Now Elizabeth was twenty and five years old when she began to reign, and she reigned over England forty and four years, four months, and seven days, and her mother’s name was Anna Bullen. And she choose unto herself wise and able ministers, and governed her kingdom with power and great glory.

“The sea also was subject unto her, and she reigned on the ocean with a mighty hand.

“Her admirals compassed the world about, and brought her home treasures from the uttermost parts of the earth.

“The glory of England she advanced to its height, and all the princes of the earth sought her love; her love was fixed on the happiness of her people, and would not be divided. The era of learning was also in her reign, and the genius of wit shone bright in the land. Spencer and Shakespeare, Verulam and Sidney, Raleigh and Drake adorned the court, and made her reign immortal. And woe unto you Spaniards, woe unto you, you haughty usurpers of the American seas for at the light’ning of her eyes ye were destroyed, and at the breath of her mouth ye were scattered abroad; she came unto your armada as a whirlwind, and as a tempest of thunder she overwhelmed you in the sea.

“Wisdom and strength were in her right hand, and in her left were glory and wealth.

“She spake, and it was war; she waved her hand, and the nations dwelt in peace.

“Her Ministers were just, and her counsellers were sage; her captains were bold, and her maids of honour ate beefsteaks for their breakfast.

“And Elizabeth slept with her fathers, and she was a virgin. She was buried in the chapel of King Henry VII., and James of Scotland reigned in her stead.

“And Jamie thought himself a bonny King, and a mickle wise mon, howbeit, he was a fool and a pedant.

“But the spirit of flattery went forth in the land, and the great men and the bishops offered incense unto him, saying, O most sacred King! thou art wiser than the children of men; thou speakest by the spirit of God; there has been none equal to thee before thee; neither will any rise after thee like unto thee.

“Thus they abused him daily with lying and fulsome adulation; and the ear of James was tickled therewith, and he was puffed up and thought himself wise; whereupon he began to dispute with the doctors, and to decide controversies, and to write books, and the world was undeceived.

——:o:——

An Election Placard.

In favour of Charles James Fox, Westminster, 1784.

The first Chapter of the Times.

1. And it came to pass that there were great dissensions in the West, amongst the rulers of the Nation.

2. And the counsellors of the back stairs said, Let us take advantage and yoke the people even as oxen, and rule them with a rod of iron.

3. And let us break up the Assembly of Privileges, and get a new one of Prerogatives; and let us hire false prophets to deceive the people. And they did so.

4. Then Judas Iscariot went among the citizens, saying, “Choose me one of your Elders, and I will tax your innocent damsels, and I will take the bread from the helpless, lame and blind.

5. “And with the scrip which will arise, we will eat, drink, and be merry.”

Then he brought forth the roll of sheepskin, and came unto the ginshops, cellars, and bye places, and said, “Sign your names,” and many made their marks.

6. Now it came to pass, that the time being come when the people choose their elders, that they assembled together at the hustings, nigh unto the Place of Cabbages.[348]

7. And Judas[349] lifted up his prerogative phiz, and said “Choose me, choose me.” But the people said, “Satan, avaunt! thou wicked Judas! hast thou not deceived thy best friend? Would’st thou deceive us also? Get thee behind us, thou unclean Spirit!”

8. We will have the man who ever has and will support our cause, and maintain our rights, who stands forth to us, and who will never be guided by Secret Influence!

310 9. And the people shouted, and cried with an exceeding loud voice, saying “Fox is the man!”

10. Then they caused the trumpets to be sounded, as at the feast of the full moon, and sang, “Long live Fox, may our champion live for ever! Amen!”

In Blackwood’s Edinburgh Magazine for October, 1817, there appeared an article entitled “Translation of an ancient Chaldee Manuscript,” it commenced on page 89, and ended at the foot of page 96. It was written in Biblical phraseology and was divided into four chapters, each of which was subdivided into verses. The parody was made on a certain chapter of Ezekiel, and was introduced by a preface, stating that it was a translation of a Chaldee manuscript preserved in a great library at Paris.

Professor Ferrier, in a Notice appended to Christopher North’s Nodes Ambrosianae, says “this trenchant satire on men and things in the metropolis of Scotland, excited the most indescribable commotion at the time—so much noise, indeed, that never since has it been permitted to make any noise whatever, having been pitilessly suppressed in consequence of threatened legal proceedings.” But some prosecutions were nevertheless commenced, and one was referred to the private decision of a Scotch judge, who, it is said, convicted the Publisher, and fined him two hundred and thirty pounds, for a foul and indecent libel.

The November number, 1817, of Blackwood’s Magazine contained the following:—

Note from the Editor.

“The Editor has learned with regret, that an article in the First Edition of last Number, which was intended merely as a jeu d’esprit, has been construed so as to give offence to individuals justly entitled to respect and regard; he has on that account withdrawn it in the Second Edition, and can only add, that if what has happened could have been anticipated, the article in question certainly never would have appeared.

With the December Number will be given eight pages, to supply the deficiency occasioned by the omission of the article, Translation from an Ancient Chaldee Manuscript.”

It has been recently ascertained that the original conception of this Chaldee M.S. was due to James Hogg, who wrote part of it, the remainder of the production being the work of Christopher North, and Lockhart.

A set of the magazine containing this parody is now rarely to be met with.

Professor Ferrier considers that people of the present day would be greatly amused by what he calls this delicious jeu d’esprit. Perhaps a few Scotchmen intimately acquainted with the Edinburgh literature and society of seventy years ago might be, but to the majority of readers the Chaldee Manuscript would appear dull, tedious, and uninteresting, otherwise it would have been inserted in this chapter.

In the works of Father Prout (Rev. Francis Mahony) the following passage occurs with reference to the Comte de Buffon:—“Having predetermined not to leave Moses a leg to stand on, he sweeps away at one stroke of his pen the foundations of Genesis, and reconstructs this terraqueous planet on a new patent principle. I have been at some pains to acquire a comprehensive notion of his system, and aided by an old Jesuit, I have succeeded in condensing the voluminous dissertation into, a few lines, for the use of those who are dissatisfied with the Mosaic statement, particularly the professors at the school in Gower Street:—”

1. In the beginning was the sun, from which a splinter was shot off by chance, and that fragment was our globe.

2. And the globe had for its nucleus melted glass, with an envelope of hot water.

3. And it begun to twirl round, and became somewhat flattened at the poles.

4. Now, when the water grew cool, insects began to appear, and shell-fish.

5. And from the accumulation of shells, particularly oysters (tom. i. 4to. edit. p. 14), the earth was gradually formed, with ridges of mountains, on the principle of the Monte Testacio at the gate of Rome.

6. But the melted glass kept warm for a long time, and the arctic climate was as hot in those days as the tropics now are: witness a frozen rhinoceros found in Siberia, &c. &c. &c.

——:o:——

THE BIBLE OF THE FUTURE.

The following specimen of what is to be the Bible of the future is published by an American paper:—

Genesis.—Chapter 1.

1. Primarily the Unknowable moved upon cosmos, and evolved protoplasm.

2. And protoplasm was inorganic and undifferentiated, containing all things in potential energy; and a spirit of evolution moved upon the fluid mass.

3. And the Unknowable said, Let atoms attract; and their contact begat light, heat, and electricity.

4. And the Unconditioned differentiated the atoms, each after its kind; and their combinations begat rock, air, and water.

5. And there went out a spirit of evolution from the Unconditioned, and working in protoplasm, by accretion and absorption, produced the organic cell.

6. And cell by nutrition evolved primordial germ, and germ developed protogene, and protegene begat eozoon, and eozoon begat monad, and monad begat animalcule.

7. And animalcule begat ephemera; then began creeping things to multiply on the face of the earth.

8. And earthy atom in vegetable protoplasm begat the molecule, and thence came all grass, and every herb in the earth.

9. And animacule in the water evolved fins, tails, claws, and scales; and in the air wings and beaks; and on the land they sprouted such organs as were necessary as played upon by the environment.

10. And by accretion and absorption came the radiata and mollusca; and mollusca begat articulata, and articulata begat vertebrata.

11. Now these are the generations of the higher vertebrata, in the cosmic period that the Unknowable evoluted the bipedal mammalia.

12. And every man of the earth, while he was yet a monkey, and the horse while he was an hipparian, and the hipparian before he was an oredon.

13. Out of the ascidian came the amphibian, and begat the pentadactyle; and the pentadactyle, by inheritance and selection, produced the hylobate, from which are the simiadæ in all their tribes.

14. And out of the simiadæ the lemur prevailed above his fellows, and produced the platyrhine monkey.

15. And the platyrhine begat the catarrhine, and the catarrhine monkey begat the anthropoid ape, and the ape begat the longimanous orang, and the orang begat the chimpanzee, and the chimpanzee evoluted the what-is-it.

16. And the what-is-it went into the land of Nod, and took him a wife of the longimanus gibbons.

17. And in process of the cosmic period were born 31 unto them and their children the anthropomorphic primordial types.

18. The homunculus, the prognathus, the troglodyte, the autochthon, the terragene—these are the generations of primeval man.

19. And primeval man was naked and not ashamed, but lived in quadrumanous innocence, and struggled mightily to harmonise with the environment.

20. And by inheritance and natural selection did he progress from the stable and homogeneous to the complex and heterogeneous—for the weakest died, and the strongest grew and multiplied.

21. And man grew a thumb for that he had need of it, and developed capacities for prey.

22. For, behold, the swiftest men caught the most animals, and the swiftest animals got away from the most men: wherefore the slow animals were eaten and the slow men starved to death.

23. And as types were differentiated the weaker types continually disappeared.

24. And the earth was filled with violence; for man strove with man, and tribe with tribe, whereby they killed off the weak and foolish, and secured the survival of the fittest.

From The Church Times, February 1875.

Two other poems on the scientific theory of evolution remain to be quoted, although neither can strictly be termed a parody. The first, written by Charles Neaves (afterwards Lord Neaves) appeared originally in Blackwood’s Magazine, it was afterwards reprinted in “Songs and Verses, by an old contributor to Maga.” Edinburgh. W. Blackwood & Sons.

* * * * *

The second, by the late Mr. Mortimer Collins, appeared in “The British Birds, a communication from the Ghost of Aristophanes.” London, 1872. A work which is now very scarce.

An American View of Bicycling.

“And in these days the young man of the city is possessed of a demon, and he taketh it upon him to learn to ride the bicycle. And he goeth unto them that teach the instrument; and he sayeth unto them, Lo, now, teach me this thing, at one half a trade shekel the hour. And they make answer and say unto him, Behold now; here is the machine; and here art thou. Get on it, therefore and ride; for all things are possible to him that hath nerve.

And he taggeth after that machine for the next six weeks; yea, even until both his knees are like unto works of decorative art for colourful picturesqueness; and he frescoeth his entire person in black and blue, and he smasheth the machine variously and expensively; and in the fulness of time he learneth to mount and ride, and becometh an alleged proficient in the art.

And then, being puffed up with vanity, and being made mad with an injudicious ambition, he saith unto himself: Lo, now, I will try this thing upon the road. And he getteth permission to pay the hire of a machine, and to take the same up the avenue which is called fifth, to the northward of the hill which is called the Hill of Nobs; because of the exceedingly great number of nobs which dwell thereabouts.

And being mounted, he passeth out of the gates of the city, and journeyeth towards the suburbs, being at times in the saddle, and at other times for variety’s sake (which 31 is, as was spoken by the prophets, as a spice unto life), upon his head.

And it shall come to pass that he meeteth casual maidens, who shall smile upon him, and make glad his heart within him. And, for that man is foolish and mankind is indiscreet, he shall put on the frills of vanity, and ride in the curves of conceit, and take no heed.

And in the end there shall come that way a school of young maidens, who shall say each one unto the other: Behold him upon the bicycle; and behold the young man upon two wheels. Is he not comely; and is he not fair to see among the young men of Israel? And moreover shall it come to pass that the young man shall be tempted of the evil one, and shall undertake to turn on the outer edge, and to put his legs over the handle, and shall generally be so previous and preliminary that presently the young students of Bellevue Hospital shall cobble him after their own will and fashion.

And when he shall have recovered as much as he ever shall, that young man will give his bycycle unto his bitterest enemy, whom he hateth with a hate unspeakable, saying: Let this be for a peace-offering from me to thee; and let there be no more strife between us.

For is there not peace in the grave; and shall war be waged against them that are utterly smashed up.”

Puck. United States. 1880.

A Publican’s Card.

The Church of England Temperance Chronicle says:—A card has reached us, bearing on one side the inscription—

Harry Hill, Market Hall Vaults,

Shambles, Worcester.

On the reverse the following parody is printed:—

Harry Hill’s Instructions to his Disciples.

1. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for in my house they shall be gladdened with the best of spirits.

2. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted in my house.

3. Blessed are the meek, for my beer and liquor shall embolden them.

4. Blessed are the weak and weary, for my drink shall strengthen them.

5. Blessed are the mirthful and gay, for theirs is the kingdom of Harry Hill’s.

6. Dost thou hunger? In my house shall thy belly be made glad.

7. Dost thou thirst? Enter into my vineyard.

8. I am the son of my father, and mine are the juices that shall restore them.

9. Thou shalt not steal, for my shekels are my own.

10. Thou shalt honour me, for I am the Father of the Feast.

11. Thou shalt not be rude to my pretty girls, for Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

12. Thou shalt not kiss them, if they say thee nay, for, red lips, like red roses, are sweetest on the bush.

13. Thou shalt not embrace them against their will, for caresses, like good wine, should not go to waist.

14. Thou shalt not bellow in my house like the bull of Bashan, but rather whisper like the sucking dove.

15. Thou shalt not damage my household goods, for it shall cost thee dear.

16. If thou art good, from my bar thou shalt not be debarred.

17. Thou shalt not attempt to pass counterfeit coin upon me, for then will the owner of my counter “fit” thee.

18. My good cheer will not settle on thy stomach if thou dost not settle with me.

A Parody by Mr. Ruskin on Usury.

The author of a book entitled “Usury and the English Bishops” (by R. G. Sillar, with an introduction by Professor Ruskin. A. Southey, 146, Fenchurch-street, London), dedicates it, “without permission,” to the Bishops of Manchester, Peterborough, and Rochester. Mr. Ruskin, in an introduction, endorses in the following language the opinions expressed:—

I rejoice to see my old friend Mr. Sillar gathering finally together the evidence he has so industriously collected on the guilt of Usury, and supporting it by the always impressive language of symbolical art; for indeed I had myself no idea, till I read the connected statement which these pictures illustrate, how steadily the system of money-lending had gained on the nation, and how fatally every hand and foot was now entangled by it.

“I place,” says Mr. Ruskin, “side by side the ancient and modern versions of the seven verses of the New Testament which were the beginning, and are indeed the heads, of all the teachings of Christ:—”

Ancient. Modern.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven. Blessed are the rich in flesh, for theirs is the kingdom of earth.

Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are they that are merry and laugh the last.

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are the proud, in that they have inherited the earth.

Blessed are they which do hunger for righteousness, for they shall be filled. Blessed are they which hunger for unrighteousness, in that they shall divide its mammon.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the merciless, for they shall obtain money.

Blessed are the poor in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the foul in heart, for they shall see no God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God. Blessed are the war makers, for they shall be adored by the children of men.

The Pall Mall Gazette. March, 1885.

The three following examples of Scripture knowledge are said to have been written by Metropolitan School Board pupils in answer to questions put to them by Government Inspectors. “Who was Moses?—He was an Egypsian. He lived in a hark maid of bullrushers, and he kept a golden carf and worshipt braizen snakes and het nothin but qwhales and manner for forty years. He was kort up by the air of his ed while ridin under a bow of a tree and lie was killed by his son Abslon as he was hanging from the bow. His end was peace.”

“What do you know of the patriarch Abraham?—He was the father of Lot and had tew wifes. Wun was called Hismale and tother Haygur. He kep wun at home and he hurried the tother into the dessert where she became a pillow of salt in the daytime and a pillow of fire at nite.”

“Write an account of the good Samaritan.—A certing man went down from jerslam to jerriker and he feld among thawns and the thawns spranged up and choaked him; wareupon he gave tuppins to the hoast and said take care on him and put him on his hone hass. And he passt bye on the hother side.”

——:o:——

31 In addition to the parodies already quoted, Hone, in his defence, also mentioned the following:—

A Genuine Collection of the several Pieces of Political Intelligence Extraordinary, Epigrams, &c., that have appeared before the Public in Detached Pieces, now carefully selected together in one View by An Impartial Hand. Printed for Thomas Butcher, Newgate Street, London, 1766. This curious and very scarce collection contains several parodies, amongst them A Political Litany, of no great merit, and The Political Creed for 1766, which was given on p. 299.

Book of the Wars of Westminster, from the fall of the Fox at the close of 1783 to 1784, on which William the Conqueror celebrated the Third Grand Lent Festival at the London. An Oriental Prophecy. Printed for Ishmael the son of Elishama. 1783.

The Chronicle of the Kingdom of the Cassiterides, under the reign of the House of Lunen. A Fragment translated from an Ancient Manuscript. London: G. Wilkie, 1783.

This describes the tremendous siege of Gibraltar by the French and Spaniards, and the political questions of the day, in Scriptural phraseology.

The Oriental Chronicles of the Times: being the Translation of a Chinese manuscript; with Notes supposed to have been originally written in the spirit of Prophecy, by Confucius the Sage. Dedicated to her Grace the Duchess of Devonshire. London. J. Debrett, Piccadilly.

This describes, in Biblical language, the triumph of Charles James Fox, in the great contested Election at Westminster in 1784.

The Plague of Westminster, or an order for the visitation of a sick Parliament, 1647—Harleian Miscellany.

Père la Chaise, Parody of the Catechism.

Fair Circassian, by the Rev. Mr. Croxal, a parody of the Canticles.

British Freeholder’s Political Creed.

Humorous Magazine. Te Deum.

The Oracle in 1807. The Lord’s prayer parodied.

Recruiting Bill. “Royal Volunteers, now is the time to obtain honour and glory. Wanted, immediately to serve Jehovah, who will reward them according to their zeal and ability, a vast number of people of all descriptions, who will on joining the Commanding Officer, receive new clothes, proper accoutrements, and everything necessary for their appearance at the New Jerusalem.”

——:o:——

In The Spirit of the Public Journals for 1809 (Vol. XIII., London, J. Ridgway), there is a scriptural imitation, styled A Tale of other Times. This originally appeared in the “Morning Post.” It was an endeavour to apologise for the conduct of the Duke of York, who had been compelled, by public opinion, to resign the office of Commander-in-Chief, owing to the exposure of a wholesale traffic in army commissions, carried on by his mistress, Mrs. Clarke. The parody represents the Duke as more of a fool than a knave; it has, however, never yet been settled whether folly or knavery preponderated in his disposition. These qualities appear to have been pretty equally balanced, and this parody does not decide the question.

In Vol. 16 of the same collection, for 1812, there is an imitation, called Book of Chronicles, it is political, and devoted to the abuse of Charles James Fox, and his adherents.

The Seven Chapters of the First Book of Things; being a Concise and Impartial account of the Birmingham Riots. By Levi Ben Mordecai. This imitation of biblical phraseology occurs in a little work entitled “Poems, by the late Mr. Stephen Chatterton, of Willenhall.” London, printed for the Author’s Widow. 1795.

It relates entirely to the politics of the day, and commences with a description of the capture of the Bastille, in Paris.

The First Book of Napoleon, the Tyrant of the Earth, written in 5813 A.M., and 1809 A.D., by Eliakim the Scribe. 1809.

The Morning Herald (London), May 4, 1812, contained a scriptural parody ridiculing Lord Grenville.

Chronicles of Coxheath Camp. A satire on General Keppel, who commanded at Coxheath. By Francis Grose F.R.S. This is in scriptural form, and appeared in The Olio, 1792. It was referred to by William Hone, in his trials, but is not worth reprinting.

The Chronicles of Westminster. This scriptural imitation will be found in the well-known quarto collection, The History of the Westminster Election.

The Court of Session Garland. Edited by James Maidment Esq. London, Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1888. This curious collection of Ballads, Parodies and Epigrams, mostly written by members of the Scottish legal profession, contains several pieces written in scriptural style. The longest, entitled, The Book of the Chronicles of the City, relates to a contested election in Edinburgh; another is A Chapter from the Book of Kings, which was found in Mr. Hume’s Collection. Another called Book of Proclamations was written in 1837.

These imitations are long, and of little present interest, except perhaps to a few old residents of Edinburgh.

The Book of Benjamin. Appointed to be read by the Electors of England. London, Charles Watts, 1879. This consists of ten chapters, describing in biblical language, the acts of Benjamin D’Israeli, from a Liberal standpoint.

The Second Book of Benjamin. A record of things past, present, and to come. London, Charles Watts, 1879. A continuation of the above.

The Fall of Benjamin. By Alfred Capel Shaw, author of the two foregoing pamphlets. London, Watts and Co., 1880. This is the last of the trio, and concludes thus:—

“And all the land knew that Benjamin had fallen, and that he was driven forth into the wilderness. And, behold, Gladstone the Liberal ruled in his stead.”

The New Gospel of Peace according to St. Benjamin.—New York, Sinclair Tousey. In two books. No date, but since 1863. This is a most remarkable account of the Great American Civil War, in scriptural language, the names of persons and places being ingeniously spelt so as to give them a Biblical appearance. It is arranged in chapters and verses.

The Awful and Ethical Allegory of Deuteronomy Smith; or, the Life-history of a Medical Student. Anonymous. Edinburgh, George Dryden, 1882. This describes, in biblical style, the adventures of a rather racketty young medical student in Edinburgh.

The Secularists’ Manual of Songs and Ceremonies, Edited by Austin Holyoake. London, Austin & Co. About 1871. This contains a series of services for Freethinkers, suitable for Weddings, Christenings (or naming children) and for Funerals.

The New Book of Kings, by J. Morrison Davidson. Manchester. John Heywood. This is not written, as its name would suggest, in imitation of the Scriptures. It is an exceedingly outspoken history of the inner life and misdeeds of the Kings and Queens of England.

The Freethinker, edited by G. W. Foote, and published weekly at Stonecutter Street, London, contains many 31 imitations of Biblical and Liturgical matters, which are too profane to be quoted, such as the following,

Comic Bible Sketches, reprinted from “The Freethinker,” edited by G. W. Foote. London: Progressive Publishing Company, 28, Stonecutter Street, 1885.

Jonah’s Excursion to Nineveh. By G. W. Foote, with illustrations by Paul Bellevue. London: Progressive Publishing Company, 28, Stonecutter Street. 1885. Price Twopence.

La Bible Amusante pour les Grands et les Petits Enfants. Texte par Léo Taxil, Dessins par Frid’rick. Paris. Librairie Anti-Cléricale, Rue des Ecoles. This was published in weekly parts, at 50 centimes each. The illustrations were very humorous, but exceedingly profane.

——:o:——

Jocularity in the pulpit has been often reproved as unseemly, yet it is still largely indulged in by a certain class of ministers. Punch in the Pulpit, by Philip Cater (London: W. Freeman, 1863), gives some amusing examples of this curious kind of devotion.

On p. 108 a burlesque sermon founded on the Nursery Rhyme of Old Mother Hubbard was given, a similar production is sold by a printer named Tresize, in Beech Street, Barbican. It is styled A Yankee Sermon, and is founded on the text “For they shall knaw a file, and flee unto the mountains of Hepsidam, whar the lion roareth, and the wang-foodle mourneth for his first born.”

During his trials, Mr. Hone made several references to the following song, as showing that reverend and serious writers could jest about religious topics, without any intention to be profane. It was taken from the Reverend Mark Noble’s continuation of the Rev. Mr. Granger’s Biographical History of England, and showed that it was never apprehended by the most pious men, that a casual association of ludicrous images with matters of the Christian religion tended to weaken the respect due to that faith. Mr. Noble, in his work, quoted this song respecting Dr. Burnett, the author of The Theory of the Earth, and Master of the Charter-House:—

——:o:——

FRAGMENTS OF HYMNS.

Divine Songs of the Muggletonians, in Grateful Praise to the only True God, the Lord Jesus Christ, 1829.

This is a most extraordinary collection of balderdash to call Divine Songs; sung to such tunes as God save the Queen, Hearts of Oak, De’el take the Wars, etc. The following is from Hymn No. 127, sung to the tune of

A Drug in the Market; being some of the Songs of Zion that are not Wanted, written by Jacobus.

The Salvation Navy.

The Salvation Army was sure not to exist long without an imitator, and we are, therefore, not surprised to hear of a Salvation Navy, under the direction of a person calling himself Admiral Tug. Admiral Tug has learnt the trick from General Booth of treating the most sacred things with blasphemous familiarity, and he has summoned his supporters with the following imitation of the Arethusa sea-song:—

A Strange Paraphrase.

The following lines were found written in the clerk’s book, at a church in Birmingham, some sixty years ago. The said clerk every Sunday afternoon gave out the same hymn:—

The British Lion’s Prey.

In the hymn sung at the christening of Baby Battenberg was the following stanza:—

On returning from the chapel her Majesty, with the Royal Family, received the ladies and gentlemen in the Green Drawing Room, where refreshments were served, and her Majesty gave the health of Prince Leopold of Battenberg.—Court Circular.

The following has been suggested as an additional stanza to the National Anthem:—

Of purely Political parodies the number is so great, that any attempt at printing a complete collection is out of the question. At the most, mention can only be made, and brief extracts given from a few of the best examples. The King’s (or Queen’s) speeches to Parliament, on the opening and closing days, have been the subject of parodies for very many years.

One of the earliest, and certainly the most famous of these was an anonymous pamphlet published in 1778, entitled “Anticipation: Containing the substance of His Majesty’s Most Gracious Speech to both Houses of Parliament on the Opening of the approaching Session, together with a full and authentic account of the Debate which will take place in the House of Commons, on the motion for the Address, and the Amendment, with Notes.” (First published three Days before the Opening of the Session.) London: T. Beckett, 1778.

The address and the Debate occupy 74 pages octavo, and were no doubt highly entertaining at the time, as the characteristics and oddities of the various speakers who were satirised were then familiar, but have long since been forgotten.

The principal topic in the debate was the unfavourable issue of the War with the United States of America.

This clever pamphlet (which ran through several editions) was written by Richard Tickell, who died in 1793.

Coming to more modern times Figaro in London, a satirical paper which flourished in the “thirties,” had numerous parodies of 31 Parliamentary Speeches, making fun of William IV, his wife, and his Ministers. These were generally illustrated by Seymour, who delighted to represent William as a silly old man, with a silly old face, and his wife as a scraggy virago, keeping the King very much under control.

The King’s Speech.

The annual period of humbug is at length come round again, and the time has arrived for the King to put his name to the rubbish which is drawn up for him by his Ministers.

Of course, we are, so far as any public sources of information are concerned, wholly ignorant of the subject of this precious bit of ministerial eloquence that is to close the first Session of our first Reformed Parliament, but our private channels are so numerous, that it is impossible for the Government to prevent the secrets of the Cabinet from coming into the cognizance of Figaro.

The following is a slight sketch of the document alluded to:—

My Lords and Gentlemen,

“I have to thank you for the very able manner in which you have contrived to humbug my people for the last seven months. I hope you will act in the same consistent manner next Session, for the dignity of your Lordship’s house, the protection of the Constitution, and the welfare of Great Britain.

Gentlemen of the House of Commons,

You have my most sincere thanks for the singular tact with which you have contrived to debate every night till a late hour, and have yet managed to do nothing at all but pass the Coercive Bill for Ireland.

By a continuance in the same course, you will, I am sure, contribute to the stability of my Ministry, and to filling the Parliamentary columns of the newspapers.

I cannot help expressing my admiration of the wonderful talent you have displayed in sitting under the name of a Reformed Parliament, and yet acting precisely in the same spirit as all preceding ones.

My Lords and Gentlemen of the House of Commons.

I am very happy to say, that my foreign relations are all as eager as ever to keep up the profession without the practice of liberality; and that Pedro is likely to be as great a scoundrel as his brother Miguel.

I hope, my Lords and Gentlemen, that when you meet next session, you will be as talkative as you have been during that which has just come to a close; and, that you will not think of business till my faithful ministers have a plea for saying it is too late to do any.

As for the supplies, I thank you for them, from the bottom of my heart, for I accept them as a strong mark of your attachment and loyalty.

My good people call for retrenchment, and I trust you will give your attention to the underlings of all offices, as you have done before, for a person who has little is better qualified to do without anything, than one who has been accustomed to a superfluity.

I am convinced your sense of honour will teach you to respect the great receivers of the public pay, while the little ones, being more numerous, will afford a wider display for and more room for the practise of your retrenching abilities.”

Figaro in London. August 31, 1833.

The Queen’s Speech.

Mr. Disraeli’s valet having abstracted from his master’s pocket a rough copy of the Royal Speech, transmitted it to us, we hasten to present the document to our readers.

My Lords and Gentlemen—

“The session now terminated, although not productive of any very striking measures, save that of creating me an Empress, has, nevertheless, proved highly advantageous to the country. My Government has been much occupied with undoing those acts of their predecessors which were considered as essentially beneficial to my subjects. I trust that these efforts will tend, under Providence, to the maintenance of the Tories in office, and to my own and my children’s benefit.

We must all deeply regret that civil war has broken out in the empire of my old and attached ally, the Turk. It appears he has been compelled to bayonet a number of babies, violate numerous maidens, and outrage a multitude of married women. But as my Prime Minister assures me these are the ordinary occurrences of civil warfare, we need trouble ourselves no further on the subject.

My trusty cousin the Duke of Cambridge having, through instituting the late military manœuvres for the mobilization of my army, revealed to the nation his own utter imbecility and that of the department over which he presides, I have thought fit to recognise such distinguished services by bestowing on him the colonelcy of the 17th Lancers, worth £1,300 per annum.

As the march of my third son, the Duke of Connaught, from Liverpool to Edinburgh, is universally recognised as one of the greatest military achievements of the age, and surrounded with danger, the Lord Archbishop of Canterbury will prepare a special form of thanksgiving to Providence for the happy issue of this stupendous exploit.

The navy is conspicuous, as heretofore, for its thorough efficiency. My relative, the Prince of Leiningen, has not yet had an opportunity of distinguishing himself on the Solent, but, doubtless, before the season closes, he will again display that nautical skill for which he has rendered himself so famous. My second son Alfred, has been appointed to the Sultan, which ship has hitherto been quietly at anchor in Besika Bay. Should the opportunity present itself, I feel assured that he will duly qualify himself for the post of Lord High Admiral by running the Sultan ashore,[350] sinking a consort, or some equally meritorious service. My First Lord of the Admiralty has, however, fully maintained the great credit he obtained for his management of the navy, through the destruction of the Vanguard and the Mistletoe, by the recent explosion on board the Thunderer, and the slaughter of forty men; thus, at one and the same time, giving an impetus to the engineering and undertaking trades, and proving, beyond question, the perfect ability of my navy—to destroy itself.

31 The financial condition of the country is, I rejoice to state, in most respects satisfactory. You have managed to increase the national income by imposing two millions of taxation on my subjects, doubtless a very proper proceeding; but, at the same time, I must remind you that mine has not been increased. I am, moreover, gratified in being able to announce that owing to Sir Bartle Frere’s economical management of the grant allowed to my eldest son for the purposes of his religious mission to India, a threepenny-piece out of the sum will be returned to the Treasury. Many distinguished foreigners have come to England of late, and after having been entertained at their own expense, and visited the Mausoleum, doubtless left the country duly impressed with the magnificent hospitality of its Court.

My lords and gentlemen, in dismissing you to the pleasures of grouse shooting, after a laborious session, which, in the course of five months has managed to undo much of the good that it took years to effect, I trust that Providence will further your future efforts in the same praiseworthy direction.”

From Reynolds’ Newspaper. August, 1876.

In 1884, Truth offered a prize for the nearest forecast of the speech to be delivered on the opening of Parliament, and many replies were published, amongst which the following was, perhaps, the most amusing, although not written in accordance with the regulations of the competition:—

[Enter Councillors, thirsting for information as to the future programme of the Powers-that-be.]

Several parodies of King’s and Queen’s speeches will also be found in The Court of Session Garland. London: Hamilton, Adams & Co., 1888. These relate principally to Scotch affairs.

——:o:——

An answer to the Proclamation calling out the Reserve Forces was

Punch’s Proclamation.

PUNCHIUS, R.

Whereas, by the Reserve (Moral) Force Acts of no particular date, but of general recognition and universal application, it is, amongst other things, provided that, in case of imminent national danger and emergency, the Reserve Forces of Prudence, Patience, Patriotism, Justice, Magnanimity, Wise Forethought, and Rational Self-Restraint, ordinarily latent in the breasts of the sober, sagacious, and, for the most part, silent portion of the community, may authoritatively be called out on active public service.

And whereas the present state of public affairs and public opinion, and the necessity in connection therewith of taking steps for the maintenance of peace, and for the protection of real interests, honour, and fair fame of the Empire, and, especially, of checking the insurgent forces of Pride, Passion, Prejudice, and spurious (if well-intended) Patriotism, now and for some time past deplorably and mischievously rampant, in our opinion, constitute a case of great emergency within the meaning of the said Acts:

Now, therefore, We do, in pursuance of the said Acts and of our earnest endeavour for the furtherance of the Public Weal, hereby direct that forthwith all classes of the Reserve Forces above specified be called out on permanent service, and shall henceforth proceed to and attend in their places (in Parliament or otherwise), and at such time or times as may be needful, to serve as part of Our Army of Moral Militancy until their services are no longer required.

Given at our Court in Fleet-street this tenth day of April, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and seventy-eight, and the thirty seventh of our reign.

Vivat Punchius!

Punch, April 1878.

“ADS.” OF THE FUTURE.

TO BE LET for Public Meetings, Regimental Dinners, Balls, Fancy Fairs, and other purposes for which a large and handsome room is desirable, all that eligible and highly decorated Apartment commonly known as the “Gilded Chamber,” with a quantity of carved Benches, covered with scarlet morocco leather, which could easily be adapted for use as rout seats. Also a commodious Anteroom, suitable for a cloak-room or refreshment buffet, hitherto used as “The Peers’ Robing Room.” For terms, apply to Lord Redesdale, on the premises.

TO SPEAKERS OF LOCAL PARLIAMENTS, COLLECTORS OF HISTORICAL RELICS, ANTIQUARIANS, &c.—To be Sold by Private Contract, “The Woolsack,” occupied up to the date of the Disestablishment of the House of Lords by the Lord Chancellor. This interesting Constitutional object is in excellent repair, and will be sold with a warranty of its genuineness. It is stuffed with the finest white wool, and covered with crimson repp of the best quality, and being positively unique, is well worthy the attention of purchasers.

MR. and MRS. SOLOMON HARTT having been favoured with the patronage of a large number of the most distinguished members of the late House of Lords, beg to inform the public that they have on hand for immediate disposal a large assortment of A1 State Robes, trimmed with ermine, including many quite equal to new. Also a large selection of silver-gilt, electro-plate, and nickel silver Coronets, ducal, early, baronial, &c., &c. Mr. and Mrs. S. H. invite special attention to this unprecedented opportunity for obtaining the above articles at the most moderate figures. Robes altered to fit intending purchasers, without extra charge. N.B.—Several of the Coronets have never been worn in public. An early inspection is solicited, as Mr. and Mrs. S. H. have received an order from the King of Bungoo-Wungoo for a set of uniforms for his newly-formed body-guard.

MESSRS. KNOCKIT and SELLEM beg to announce that their next Tuesday’s Sale will include two Swords of State, seven State Cocked Hats, four ditto Crimson Robes, one Silver Mace, one Black Rod (tipped with silver), one carved Oak Throne, twenty-seven Suits of Official Livery, various, and numerous other miscellaneous articles, formerly the property of the House of Lords, which have been consigned for Unreserved Sale. Catalogues on application.

Funny Folks, August 2, 1884.

——:o:——

Lord Carnarvon had an interview with Mr. Parnell in Dublin, when they discussed the question of Home Rule for Ireland. The Conservative press denied that the interview had any serious political meaning, or that Lord Carnarvon had any authority to treat with Mr. Parnell, for his parliamentary support.

LIMITED LIABILITY.

A Dialogue.

Scene.—Library in Lord Carnarvon’s house. Lord Carnarvon and Mr. Parnell “discovered.”

Lord C——: Delighted to see you Mr. Parnell. Lucky chance your happening to call on me! Quite an accident, of course?

31 Mr. P——, coldly: Lucky chance my having heard from your friend that your lordship wished to see me. Quite an accident, of course.

Lord C——, gloomily: Quite, quite; (brightening up) Mr. P——, we meet of course only to exchange the most casual and superficial ideas—merely as private gentlemen, and not representing anybody or anything?

Mr. P——: Quite so. Exactly.

Lord C——: But there is one thing that I may say officially and with authority. In my capacity as Viceroy of Ireland, and speaking with the sanction of the whole Cabinet on this particular subject, a subject on which I may say we are absolutely unanimous, I have to state that I do think the weather so far is disappointing and disagreeable.

Mr. P——, solemnly: Lord C——, I have no hesitation in saying, not only on my own behalf, but on that of the whole Irish Parliamentary party, and of the Irish people as well, that we, too, find the weather disappointing and disagreeable.

Lord C——: That’s all right. But now, Mr. P——, coming to unimportant matters, and speaking together as men absolutely free from any manner of responsibility, and, indeed, having no particular motive of any kind but that of whiling away a few minutes in pleasant gossip, do you think it would be a good thing if we—the Conservatives—were to introduce a Home Rule measure for Ireland?

Mr. P——: Lord C——, I am now speaking entirely as a private, and I may say an isolated individual, having no knowledge of the views of any of my colleagues, and, indeed, assuming that they would be rather opposed to me than not in most things, and thus free from all responsibility, I venture to say that I, for myself, should not be displeased if you were to introduce a Home Rule measure for Ireland.

Lord C——: Thanks; then again I should like to ask you, merely to gratify the idlest personal curiosity, and not having consulted or intending ever to consult any human being on the subject, whether you think that if I were to promise—just for the fun of the thing you know—to get such a measure introduced, you could promise—also of course for the mere fun of the thing—to give us your support at the coming elections?

Mr. P——: Well, of course, regarding the whole thing as a mere light-hearted piece of pleasantry, between two men notorious for their vivacity and levity, and neither of whom could be supposed to have any serious purpose of any kind, I may say perhaps that in such a case I could promise, just for the fun of the thing—as you happily put it—I could promise you some support at the coming elections.

Lord C——: Thanks very much. Now coming to serious subjects.—May I ask you Mr. P—— whether you, speaking officially as leader of the Irish people, are prepared to agree in an opinion which I have the authority of the whole Cabinet for expressing, that the present season in London is likely to be short and unsatisfactory?

Mr. P——: On such a question as this I speak with a profound sense of responsibility; but I have no hesitation in saying, as leader of the Irish Parliamentary party, on behalf of that party and of the whole people of Ireland, and likewise on behalf of the Irish Populations of America, Australia, Brazil, and Patagonia, that Ireland’s conviction is that the present season in London will be short and unsatisfactory.

They shake hands solemnly and part.

The Daily News, June 19, 1888.

Political Manifestoes.

Mr. Chamberlain’s Address.

Gentlemen.—The new Parliament is about to be dissolved under circumstances unparalleled in the history of this country. I am alive, and not one of the bosses of the show. At the 1885 election, Mr. Gladstone, extending his usual method, indicated four subjects of primary importance. Need I add that one of these, the one, was myself? Under these circumstances, it does not appear to have entered into the mind of any Liberal candidate that within a few weeks he would be invited to consider a vast revolution in the relations between me and the G. O. M.

The 1885 election was fought on the programme formulated by Mr. Gladstone, subject to my approval, and on collateral issues of purely domestic interest. Now, as I am only capable of understanding domestic and vestry matters, it will be readily understood that I disapprove of any dealing with large and statesmanlike questions beyond my comprehension. What the Liberal party in last November solemnly and seriously declared to be unsafe, the Prime Minister, egged on I do not doubt by that accursed Morley, has now deliberately undertaken. The authority of the Prime Minister has been sufficient to work this startling transformation, and mine, alas! insufficient to prevent it. The Irish Government Bill (i.e., Mr. Gladstone) would repeal the act of union between me and the G.O.M. It would also set up a rival Parliament in Dublin; and—you may believe one who has suffered much from a rival politician in London—this will be most unpleasant.

To desert me for Morley—me, whose only crime in the G.O.M.’s eyes is the peddling and board-of-guardians’ spirit in which I approach all questions—is an act of ingratitude and cowardice unworthy only of the Caucus.

So anxious am I, not particularly to stop Home Rule, but most particularly to teach the G.O.M. a severe lesson for preferring Morley to me, that I say nothing for the moment even against those landlords, my customary mark, who hold their land by exactly the same means and right as I hold my capital. Nor am I, under the circumstances, disinclined to coercion.

No one has recognised more strongly than myself the claims of party and the duty incumbent on all to sacrifice individual preferences to the necessity of united action, when it suits them. But I am so real riled at the way the G.O.M. and Morley have treated me that, in spite of all my ill-temper and mischief-making, I hope to retain the support, though I have lost the confidence, of those whose interests I have loyally endeavoured to serve, as long as they did not conflict with my own, and in whose midst my life as a capitalist has been spent, and my work of screw and caucus-making accomplished.

(Signed) J. Chamberlain.

The other manifestoes were less amusing, they parodied Sir Charles Dilke, Lord Randolph Churchill, and Mr. Gladstone.

The Topical Times, June 26, 1886.

——:o:——

Colonel Saunderson, M.P., had asserted at a public meeting that, if Parliament should grant Home Rule to Ireland, 50,000 men of Ulster would immediately rise in rebellion against it, and fight to the last ditch. He did not, however, attempt to justify this statement when called upon to do so in the House of Commons.

——:o:——

For many years past Mr. Gladstone has been the “leading article” in the stock-in-trade of Caricaturists and Parodists. His personal appearance, his collars, his umbrella, his hobby for felling trees, his great learning, his immense vitality, and his mode of speaking, have all furnished topics for satires and lampoons.

It would be impossible to refer to anything like a proportion of these, but the following may be mentioned as typical examples.

The Morning Post (London), September 24, 1884, contained an unreported Midlothian Speech on Free Trade, supposed to have been delivered by Mr. Gladstone, but really written by Mr. Edward Sullivan.

The St. Stephen’s Review (London), October 29, 1887, contained a prospectus, of which the following is a brief abstract:—

THE HAWARDEN ESTATE BLOCK WOOD COMPANY, LIMITED.

Incorporated under the Companies Acts, 1862 to 1883, whereby the liability of the Shareholders is limited to the amount of their Shares.

Capital £100,000, in 100,000 Shares of £1 each.

Payable—5s. per share on Application, 5s. per share on Allotment, and the remainder One Month after Allotment

DIRECTORS.

The Earl of Rosebery, The Durdans, Epsom. Lord Wolverton, 7, Stratton Street, Piccadilly, W. Herbert Gladstone, Esq., M.P., Hawarden Castle. The Rev. H. Drew, The Rectory, Hawarden. *The Right Hon. W. E. Gladstone, Hawarden Castle (Chairman).

* Will join the Board after allotment.

Secretary—H. Drake Digby, Esq., National Liberal Club.

Temporary Offices—23, Albemarle Street, W.

ABRIDGED PROSPECTUS.

During the past twenty years, and indeed ever since it became generally known that Mr. Gladstone was in the habit of wielding an axe, a steady flow of letters has ceaselessly poured into Hawarden Castle from all parts of the world, asking for chips and blocks of wood cut from the timber felled by the right honourable gentleman.

At first these demands were complied with so far as it was possible to do so, but as the Irish Question surged to the front, and Mr. Gladstone’s popularity with the civilised world increased, it became hopeless to deal with the applications, which have accumulated to such an extent that the paper on which the applications are written has been weighed out of curiosity, and is found to weigh 4 tons 17 cwt. 3 qrs. 17 lbs.

Some fortnight or so ago Mr. Gladstone announced through the press that in future, blocks from timber cut down by his hand would only be supplied on receipt of a postal order for three shillings.

He did this in the hope that it would deter his numerous correspondents, instead of which they have increased twenty-fold. Under the circumstances, it occurred to Mr. Gladstone that by the erection of large and commodious saw mills the demand might be dealt with and a lucrative industry started without any very large outlay.

Mr. Gladstone, whose great name is the sole origin of the business, and who is henceforward, called the vendor, can cut down three medium-sized trees per diem. These trees will yield an average of 7,000 blocks, which, sold at 3s., means a daily sale of

£ 1,050

300 working days

£315,000

Deduct cost of 900 trees, say £10 9,000

£306,000

Erection of saw mills and 12 months’ labour of 100 men at 25s. per week 10,000

£296,000 Profit on first year’s operations.

It is perfectly obvious that the public demand is so great that the entire estate can be disafforested at an enormous profit, the price of three shillings per cubic foot block being as nearly as possible 30 times the normal value of the timber.

31 As the only drawback to the success of the undertaking is the illness, or, it may be, possible demise of the vendor, his life will be insured as a first preliminary for £100,000, being the entire capital of the company.

It is not anticipated that it will be necessary to call up more than the allotment money, as it is calculated when the premium has been paid on the vendor’s life, and the stipulated price for the goodwill (£25,000) has been handed over to the vendor, there will still remain sufficient in hand to erect the necessary saw mills and machinery.

The following contract has been entered into: An agreement dated the 23rd day of October, 1887, and made between William Ewart Gladstone of the one part, and Archibald Philip Primrose, Earl of Rosebery, on behalf of the company, of the other part.

Copies of the agreement of purchase, valuers’ certificates, and memorandum and articles of association may be inspected at the offices of the company, or of the bankers.

Scarcely a week passes but what Mr. Gladstone appears as the central figure in Judy’s political cartoon; Judy has also published (separately) some burlesque Company prospectuses, one in 1885 was entitled “W. E. Gladstone & Co., Limited,” with a capital of One Million in £10 Shares. The proposed Directorate included the following names: The Rt. Hon. W. E. G. Chairman. Mr. H. Childish. Sir Veneer Half-caste. The Earl Gumboil. The Earl Drowsy. Marquis of Heart-in-Mouth. Joseph Chimneypot, Esq. (of the Birmingham Affidavit Manufacturing Company), and Sir. C. Bilke.

A long list was given of the objects to be achieved by the Company, all of which were represented as being nefarious and unpatriotic, such being the usual and natural assertion of each political party with regard to the actions of the other.

Another publication issued from the Judy office, dated November 1, 1885, and sold for threepence, was a legal looking paper, endorsed The Last Will and Testament of William Ewart Gladstone. This was not a very witty production, the most notable clauses it contains are those in which Mr. Gladstone appoints Joseph Chamberlain and Bottomley Firth as his executors; the bequest to Lord Randolph Churchill “of twelve pence sterling to the end he may therewith buy a rope of hemp and go hang himself;” to the Sublime Porte of “a complete file of Newspapers containing all my speeches on the Bulgarian Atrocities;” and to Sir Charles Dilke “my Law treatise containing chapters on Decrees Nisi.”

There are three Codicils to this will, all in very involved and complicated language, and each one contradictory to the others. This production had a large sale.

——:o:——

In October, 1879, The Examiner published an amusing series of imaginary letters supposed to pass between the leaders of both the great political parties, and their followers. The following three are selected as examples:—

Lord Salisbury to Lord Beaconsfield.

Dieppe, Oct. 10.

My Dear Beaconsfield,—I saw Waddington two days ago. His bewilderment when I frankly told him that we had no Greek policy would have been amusing, had it not led to a long and troublesome remonstrance from him. It appears that he thought we were in earnest at Berlin. Of course I hastened to undeceive him, and to point out that our only object at the Congress was to quiet the people at home, and arrange with the Russians abroad. However, I satisfied him at last by telling him he may do as he pleases in Egypt.

By the way, I shall be speaking in a few days; I suppose you have nothing to suggest. Grant Duff must be smashed, and we must take what credit we can get out of Afghanistan. But as Hartington is still, and Gladstone keeps out of the way, I am afraid I shall have to tilt against egg-shells—for Harcourt is nobody.—Yours ever,

Salisbury.

Have you heard of Derby’s latest move?

Lord Beaconsfield to Lord Salisbury.

Hughenden Manor, Oct. 13.

My Dear Salisbury,—Waddington does not quite know us yet, or he would not have been surprised. If he is satisfied, however, with our Egyptian plans, we will not trouble any longer about him.

Your speech should be of great service. Harcourt may, as you say, be dismissed very shortly—the impulsive imagination of his immature intellect needs little comment from you. Hartington is in a difficulty. The Home Rulers, on one hand, and the Disestablishment section on the other, are too many for him. Can you not hint at the various nature of the forces he leads—aëronauts, somnambulists, monomaniacs, misanthropes, and nomads? As for Gladstone, it seems to me that he might be ferreted out. The perennial perplexities of a pedagogic mind have driven him once more to silence. Before he can present himself in Midlothian, he must decide upon which conviction he will follow. A word to that effect from you might reach him.

As for your audience, we trust to the generous judgment of a judicial race. Leave the policy in that fashion. It will flatter them.—Believe me, ever yours,

Beaconsfield.

Sir Stafford Northcote to Lord Beaconsfield.

Dublin, Oct. 12.

My Dear Lord Beaconsfield,—I trust you will have seen that I implicitly followed your instructions. I have spoken for hours, and said absolutely nothing; received scores of persons, and let them talk, too, without expressing the slightest opinion; and the result is that I am most popular. Their idea seemed to be that I was preparing some scheme for the relief of distress, and as they were pleased with that notion, I was of course careful not to destroy it. On the whole, I have neither compromised the Government nor myself, which is saying something.—Ever yours,

S. Northcote.

This last letter refers to Irish affairs, which have given rise to many political skits; one of the most important of these was a pamphlet, published in 1886, by Reeves and Turner, entitled “Opening and Proceedings of the Irish Parliament. Two Visions.” The author, Mr. G. H. Moore, thus describes the plan of his little work:—“In the following pages you are presented with two forecasts of the proceedings of the proposed Irish Parliament, taken from different standpoints. They are intended to illustrate the conflicting opinions entertained of the future, should Mr. Gladstone’s Irish Bills pass into law.

The exaggerated fears and gloomy mistrust of the opponents of the measures are ludicrously drawn in one picture; and in the other, the serious hopes and the brighter anticipations of the promoters and supporters of the measures are assumed to have been realised.”

Articles based on the same idea, appeared in the Topical Times in July 1886, entitled “The Dublin Parliament. A Forecast,” describing the scenes of joy and enthusiasm in the Irish capital on the first assembling of a National Parliament.

322

THE OMNIBUS.

It is just sixty years ago since this convenient vehicle was introduced into our streets by Mr. J. Shillibeer. The first Omnibus ran from the Yorkshire Stingo in the New Road, to the Bank of England, and the fare was one shilling. The speculation succeeded at once, and the omnibus traffic in London has been rapidly increasing ever since. The following parody on Barry Cornwall’s The Sea! The Sea! is taken from Mr. Hindley’s reprint of Egan’s “Life in London.”

The original of this song, with other parodies on it, will be found on p. 204, Vol. 4 of this collection.

——:o:——

On page 106 a splendid parody was given of “The House that Jack Built,” entitled The Domicile Erected by John. A correspondent pointed out that this was written by the late Mr. E. L. Blanchard, and on consulting his famous Drury-Lane Annuals, it was discovered as a preface to the Pantomime for 1861-62, styled “Harlequin and the House that Jack built.” Mr. Blanchard’s poem is not quite so long as the version given in Parodies, some ingenious person having undertaken to add to, and improve upon Mr. Blanchard’s work.

LITERARY FORGERIES AND IMPOSTURES.

Although literary forgeries have undoubtedly some relationship with Parodies, it is of so distant a nature that, even were space available, they could not be dealt with at any length in this Collection. A brief summary of the principal Impostures must therefore suffice, those who wish to learn the details are referred to an interesting little work, entitled Famous Literary Impostures, by H. R. Montgomery. London. E. W. Allen. No date.

(Why do Publishers omit dates?)

Mr. Montgomery’s chapters deal with Thomas Chatterton and the Rowley poems; James Macpherson’s Poems of Ossian; Samuel W. H. Ireland’s Vortigern, and other Shakespearian Forgeries; George Psalmanazar and the Formosa Imposture; and the Bentley and Boyle controversy as to the Epistles of Phalaris.

Of course had Mr. Montgomery chosen to enlarge his work, he might have made some amusing chapters out of William Lander’s attempt to prove Milton a plagiarist and an impostor; of the Squire letters which deceived Thomas Carlyle; the Shapira M.S.S. which deceived some clever Egyptologists and Antiquarians; the Vrain-Lucas letters which deceived M. Michel Chasles, an eminent French Mathematician; the Shelley forgeries which deceived Robert Browning; and the Donnelly cryptogram which has deceived no one having any knowledge of the life and works of Shakespeare.

In Isaac D’Israeli’s Curiosities of Literature there is a short chapter on this topic, principally devoted to instances amongst ancient and foreign writers, with a few remarks about Psalmanazar and William Lander.

There is also some information to be found in a chapter, called “Supposition d’Auteurs,” in Curiosités Littéraires, par Ludovic Lalanne. Paris, Adolphe Delahays, 1857. This also deals principally with the works of foreign literary Impostors. But by far the most important and most reliable work on the subject is that written by the late M. Octave Delepierre, entitled “Supercheries Littéraires, Pastiches, Suppositions d’Auteur, dans les lettres et dans les Arts.” London, N. Trubner & Co. 1872. Only 200 copies of this valuable work were issued, it is consequently very difficult to procure. Most literary frauds have been exposed, and not a few of the forgers have been punished. Chatterton and Shapira committed suicide, and Vrain-Lucas was sent to prison for two years, and fined 500 francs.

A writer in the Daily News (July 17, 1886) observed: “The motives of the Literary Forger seem obscure to plain people. He has nothing to gain by it all, they say; he does not make money, like the forger of a cheque; he can seldom sell his forgery to advantage, as the latest biblical forger, Shapira, of the sham manuscript gospel, discovered. He merely poisons the very wells of history and throws doubt on all original “sources.” People who reason thus forget that every artist takes joy in his art, and that all art is imitation. The art of the forger is to imitate ancient manuscripts and inscriptions. L’Art pour l’art is his motto. He revels in his own cleverness and power of deceiving others. This is his reward. Thus a famous French archæologist, now dead, took in his own father with some sham Greek inscriptions. Thus William Ireland went on writing Shakespearian autographs, and even Shakespearian manuscript plays, chiefly to satisfy the most tricky sense of humour, and delight in the absurdities of learned men. Probably enough Joe Smith began his Mormon Bible with no serious thought of founding a religion, but merely, as other literary forgers used, for the fun of the thing. Sooner or later these things are found out. They amuse the learned, and no great harm is done. But perhaps the jester Rabelais did not see the jest when he was beguiled into publishing, with grave and learned notes, a classical manuscript which was really the work of two of his contemporaries. These clever ghosts must chuckle still over the trick they played the author of “Pantagruel.” A meaner joke was passed on Meursius, whose respectable name is inextricably associated with a peculiarly abominable Latin work, attributed to him by its actual author, who thus gratified a spite of long standing. Literary forgers are the very Pucks of letters, and all honest men will hope they find their deserts in a Hades of their own.”

323

A BIBLIOGRAPHY OF PARODY AND BURLESQUE.

The approaching completion of the sixth and last volume of Parodies has by no means exhausted the materials which, for five and twenty years past, I have been accumulating. Indeed the subject is inexhaustible, but having given all the best parodies of English and American writers, it only remains now to mention others which were either too long, or too dull, to find a home herein, and to refer briefly to some of the principal Foreign travesties.

Only the true book hunter can appreciate the pleasures I have experienced in the never ending search for parodies and burlesques. The difficulty in obtaining some particular volumes, not to be found in the British Museum Library, which might (and sometimes did) turn up in some out-of-the-way old book shop. The delight with which they were carried home, collated, cleaned, patched and mended, to be finally packed off to Zaehnsdorf who clothes them in all the glory of calf and gilt, artistically, as his name does warrant.

In walking tours in England, in holiday trips on the Continent, and even in the few spare moments stolen to turn aside from the noise and bustle of London city into back streets and dingy alleys; in pawnbrokers, and in secondhand furniture shops, aye, even in rag and waste paper shops, have been gathered up little, dirty, torn odd volumes to add to my store, my beloved Parody Collection. Thus have materials been gathered for such a Collection of Literary trifles and jeux d’esprit as has never yet been published.

London, dear old London! is the paradise of the book hunter, and of the book worm; of the one who buys books, and of the other, who merely reads them. Here all tastes and all purses may be gratified; the rare and costly volumes of the King of Collectors, Bernard Quaritch; the humble “All at 2d. in this Box;” the first editions as collected by Elkin Mathews; or the cheap, but curious volumes to be found in the long book room of honest, kindly John Salkeld in the Clapham Road, whose catalogues (good as they are), but faintly express the wonderful knowledge of books and men he possesses.

Next, after London, come the quiet little book stores of the old Cathedral cities, such as Exeter and Canterbury; here, if theology is a trifle too obtrusive, the dealer will soon gauge your appetite, and provide a fitting meal. Then, I would say Paris, but the Paris of to-day is, in this respect, vastly inferior to Paris under the Empire. Then, a stroll along the quays and boulevards led to good sport, for the game was plentiful, and ridiculously cheap. The element of cheapness remains, but the true literary flavour is wanting. Thousands of books, that are not books, school and prize books, old almanacs, dreary directories, medical reports, and soiled copies of trashy novels. These form the bulk.

“La Parodie, Monsieur? La Parodie n’existe plus. Il y a trente ans qu’elle est morte dans la France,” was the remark made to me lately by a bookseller in the Galérie D’Orléans. It is but too true, the literary sarcasm, and the pleasant malice of the good old fashioned parody seem indeed to be dead in France.

“Ils se moquent de tous, mais ils ne plaisantent pas,” said another dealer speaking of their authors, and so it happens that in my private collection, but a poor hundred or so of volumes are of French parentage, and the titles of some of these are all that is fit to be read, unless by an enthusiastic student of Rabelais.

No mention was made in the prospectus of “Parodies” that Foreign parodies would be included, but a few brief notes as to the principal continental examples may be given, followed by such English works on the subject as have not already been described.

French Parodies and Burlesques.

The very first book of reference to be mentioned under this head is La Parodie, chez les Grecs, chez les Romains, et chez les Modernes. Par Octave Delepierre. Londres: Trubner & Cie, 1870. This contains a great deal of information, but it is far from complete.

In Les Curiosités Littéraires par Ludovic Lalanne (Paris, 1857) is a chapter, entitled Du Genre Burlesque in which there is considerable information on Parody in general, and French parody in particular. The first piece mentioned is La Passion de Notre-Seigneur Jésus Christ, en vers burlesques, published in 1649; then come the works of Sarrasin, and of Assouci, the latter wrote Ovide en belle humeur and the Ravissement de Proserpine.

La Pharsale de Lucain, en vers enjoués, par Brébeuf, Paris 1655.

L’Eschole de Salerne, en vers burlesques, par Martin Leydon, 1656.

Peter Langendik, a Dutch poet, wrote a parody of the fourth book of the Æneid, which he called Enée endimanché; and the Danish poet, the Baron de Holberg, also wrote burlesque translations of parts of Virgil’s great poem.

For details concerning a number of less important French Parodies and Burlesques, see also l’Histoire de la Littérature Comique, and l’Histoire Burlesque, de Flogel.

Les Odes d’Horace en vers Burlesques. Published at Leyden in 1653.

L’Odyssie d’Homère en vers Burlesques. Published at Leyden in 1653.

These small pamphlets were both issued by the same publisher, and are now very rare.

Le Virgile Travesty en vers burlesques, par L’abbé Scarron. This is a burlesque translation of the first seven books and part of the eighth book, of Virgil’s Æneid. He dedicated the first book to the Queen, and subscribed himself thus “Madame, Votre tres humble, tres obeyssant, tres obligé, et tres malade serviteur et sujet.

Scarron, Malade de la Reyne.”