WALTER HAMILTON, (continued 14)

Another Method.—Take your recruit, and place him at headquarters. Let him mix freely with all the bad characters that have been carefully kept in the regiment, until his nature has become assimilated to theirs. For three years pay him rather less than a ploughboy’s wages, and make him work rather harder than a costermonger’s donkey. Your soldier having now reached perfection, you will turn him out of the Service with Economical Dressing.

How to make a Deserter.—A very simple and popular dish. Take a soldier, see that he is perfectly free from any mark by which he may be identified, and fill his head with grievances. Now add a little opportunity, and you have, or, rather, you have not, your deserter.

Another and Simpler Method.—Take a recruit, without inquiring into his antecedents. Give him his kit and bounty-money and close your eyes. The same recruit may be used for this dish (which will be found to be a fine military hash) any number of times.

How to make an Army.—Take a few scores of Infantry Regiments and carefully proceed to under-man them. Add some troopers without horses, and some batteries without guns. Throw in a number of unattached Generals, and serve up the whole with a plentiful supply of Control Mixture.

Another and Easier Method.—Get a little ink, a pen, and a sheet of paper. Now dip your pen in the ink, and with it trace figures upon your sheet of paper. The accompaniment to this dish is usually hot water.

How to make a Panic.—Take one or two influential newspapers in the dead season of the year, and fill them with smartly written letters. Add a few pointed leading articles, and pull your Army into pieces. Let the whole simmer until the opening of Parliament. This once popular mess is now found to be rather insipid, unless it is produced nicely garnished with plenty of Continental sauce, mixed with just an idea of Invasion relish. With these zests, however, it is always found to be toothsome, although extremely expensive.

Punch. November 21, 1874.

——:o:——

Henry Labouchere and Edmund Yates.

It is customary for the Editors of Truth and The World to publish the latest on dits of Society, and each delights in contradicting the other on little matters of detail. This sport does not much interest the general public, but it appears to afford great amusement to the two Editors. Some of their paragraphs are scarcely less absurd than the following:—

[“Henry” has promised that he will go and see “Edmund” in Holloway Prison.]

Extract I. (From “Truth.”)

“I made a pilgrimage to Holloway Castle one day last week, and was pleased to find poor Edmund in excellent spirits. He was lounging in a handsomely upholstered chair from Gillow’s, while he smoked a capital Manilla.From “Truth.” In the course of our conversation, I learnt that it is his intention to publish a volume of ‘Prison Recollections’ when he again emerges into the outer world. Edmund has lost flesh, but is otherwise in his usual health.”

Extract II. (From “The World.”)

“Really, Henry, I am getting quite tired of correcting your blunders. The chair in which you found me seated was supplied to me by Maple, whom I much prefer to Gillow. You have also put your foot in it about the cigar, which was an Intimidad and not a Manilla. Thirdly, I don’t intend to publish any ‘Prison Recollections;’ and as for my having lost flesh, that is pure rubbish. How can one lose flesh when one continues to feed as well as usual, and is at the same time obliged to drop one’s horse exercise in the Row?”

Extract III. (From “Truth.”)

“I have always maintained that you are far too impetuous, Edmund. Perhaps you are correct about your not having lost flesh, though I could have sworn that I counted one chin less than usual upon your face. I may also have been in error regarding the ‘Recollections’ and the chair, but I cannot for a moment admit that your Manilla was an Intimidad. You are no judge of tobacco. I am, and the illustrated advertisement of Somebody’s cigarettes is sufficient proof of the fact.”

Extract IV. (From “The World.”)

“Upon certain subjects, Henry, pig-headed ass is not the name for you. Don’t visit me again, please.”

Extract V. (From “Truth.”)

“Catch me at it, my dear Edmund.”

Funny Folks, January 31, 1885.

——:o:——

The Real Little Lord Fauntleroy.

A short parody, having the above title appeared in Punch, May 19, 1888, with an illustration by Linley Sambourne, representing Lord Randolph Churchill, and the Duke of Cambridge. At the time it appeared Lord Randolph was posing as an advocate of Retrenchment and Reform. That a member of the Marlborough family of national bloodsuckers should appear as the advocate of economy was a joke that was far too good to last, and Lord Randolph having remained in the cabinet long enough to earn a pension, found it convenient to resign.

(An imaginary conversation. With apologies to Mrs. F. H. Burnett.)

And then the Duke looked up.

What Little Grandolph saw was a portly old man, with scanty white hair and bushy whiskers, and a nose like a florid bulb between his prominent imperious eyes.

What the Duke saw was a smart, small figure in a jaunt, suit, with a large collar, and with trim, accurately-parted locks curved carefully about the curiously canine little face whose equally protuberant eyes met his with a look of—well, perhaps the Duke would have found it difficult exactly to define the character of that look, but it combined in an emphatic way the interrogative and the ironical.

It was thought that Little Lord Fauntleroy was himself rather like a small copy of a grander and older original, and he himself was supposed to be well aware of the fact. But there was a sudden glow of emotion in the irascible old Duke’s face as he saw what a sturdy, self-confident little fellow Lord Fauntleroy was, and how unhesitatingly he stood to his guns in all circumstances. It moved the grim old nobleman that the youngster should show no shyness or fear, either of the situation or of himself.

“Are you the Duke?” he said. “I’m a Duke’s son, you see, and know something about such things. I’m Lord Grandolph Fauntleroy.”

He nodded affably, because he knew it to be the polite and proper thing to do, even from young and clever Lords to old and (the adjective he mentally used may be suppressed) 256 Dukes. “I hope you—and the Army—are all right,” he continued, with the utmost airiness. “I’m very glad to see you here.”

“Glad to see me, are you?” said the Duke.

“Yes,” answered Lord Fauntleroy, “very.”

There was a chair at the head of the table, and he sat down on it; it was a big chair, and, physically, he hardly filled it perhaps; but he seemed quite at his ease as he sat there, and regarded a Monarch’s august relative intently and confidently.

“I’ve often wondered what a Commander-in-Chief would look like when being cross-examined,” he remarked. “I’ve wondered whether he’d be anything like my great ancestor of the Queen Anne epoch.”

“Am I?” asked the Duke.

“Well,” Grandolph replied, “I’ve only seen pictures of him, of course, and I can’t exactly say how he would have looked in a similar case, but I don’t think you are much like him.”

“You are disappointed, I suppose?” suggested his august interlocutor.

“Oh no!” replied Grandolph, politely. “Of course you would like any great military contemporary to look like your own illustrious ancestor; but of course you might admire the way your great military contemporary looked, even if he wasn’t like your illustrious ancestor. You know how it is yourself, about admiring your contemporaries.”

The Duke stared. He could hardly be said to know how it was about admiring his contemporaries, many of whom he didn’t admire at all, and some of whom did not altogether admire him.

“Well, and how’s our bit of an Army getting on?” asked little Lord Fauntleroy, airily.

“Our—bit—of—an—Army?” repeated the Duke, in a scattered sort of way.

“Yes,” explained Grandolph, “the bit of an Army we pay such a pile of money for?”

“Ha!” ejaculated his Lordship. “That’s it, is it? The money isn’t spent as you like. You’d like to have the spending of it. What would you buy with it? I should like to hear something about that.”

“Doubtless,” replied Lord Fauntleroy, coolly. “Some day you may. At present I’m asking questions, and your business is to answer them.”

“The D——!” began the Duke, hotly.

“Quite so—the D—— etails,” interjected Little Lord Fauntleroy, blandly. “As you were doubtless about to say, the details are the things! All very well to say in a general sort of way that the Army is going to—its usual destination, Duke; that Party Spirit and Financial Cheese-paring are the cause of it, and that more men and money are urgently required. That won’t do for me. I want to know—so does the Country—much more than that. How? Why? What? When? How many? How much? These, my dear Duke, are the pertinent questions to which we—the Country and I—demand precise answers. When we get them, instead of vague denunciation and big D’s, we shall know what to do.”

The sensations of his Royal Highness the Duke, could scarcely be described. He was not an old nobleman who was very easily taken aback, because he had seen a great deal of the official world; but here was something he found so novel that it almost took his lordly breath away, and caused him some singular emotions. A civilian had always seemed to him a most objectionable creature—impertinent, parsimonious, and with inadequate conceptions of discipline. But this composed, precise, insolently interrogative little personage was a portent. The Duke’s martinet manner was quite shaken by this startling surprise.

* * * * *

The Standard (London) in 1885 ventured to criticise the political character and conduct of Lord Randolph Churchill, but three years later it contained an article which read like a parody of its former utterances about this Boulanger of the Fourth Party:—

(From the Standard, July 31, 1885.)

It is time to speak plainly. Lord Randolph Churchill has been puffed by his friends in the daily and weekly press with admirable assiduity. He has dined with them and they have dined with him, and the well-organised claque are ready to cry “Prodigious!” whenever he opens his mouth. But it is all in vain. We no longer live in days when the public can be gulled by such arts.… The truth is, that Lord Randolph Churchill is a much over-rated man. He is now verging upon middle-age and has reached a time of life when even flighty minds ought to sober down. But this is what he cannot do. His almost incredible ignorance of affairs, his boyish delight in offering the crudest insults to men who have been fifty years in the service of the State, his pranks, his blunders, are ceasing to amuse.… Instead of his being broken in by his colleagues, his colleagues have been broken in by him, and he has been able to make them adopt as the deliberate and well-digested convictions of sagacious and practical Englishmen, the crude conceits of a political neophyte, which his own little Senate labour hard to represent as the language of a new Tory gospel.… We will follow Lord Salisbury, but we will not be governed by a sort of overgrown schoolboy, who thinks he is witty when he is only impudent, and who really does not seem to possess sufficient knowledge even to fathom the depths of his own ignorance of everything worthy of the name of statesmanship.

(From the Standard, July 29, 1888.)

The interest excited by the other appointments sinks into nothing compared with that which must be felt in the promotion of Lord R. Churchill to the Chancellorship of the Exchequer and the leadership of the House of Commons. There is, doubtless, much that may be said against the appointment to so responsible a position of one who has had so brief an experience of official life, and who has hitherto been more remarkable for brilliancy than discretion. On the other hand, Lord Randolph Churchill possesses the debating power and the dauntless spirit which are indispensable to a successful leader. There are times and seasons when self-confidence, readiness, and a command of that pungent rhetoric which often tells better in the House of Commons than the closest and most judicial argument, are of more service to a party than any other qualities which a Parliamentary statesman can possess. Lord Randolph Churchill moreover, is eminently popular with “the masses,” and so far has a title to confront Mr. Gladstone which no other man on the Conservative side of the House can show. In short, he is an orator and a wit; and in a popular assembly these are titles to pre-eminence which it is not very easy to dispute. It remains for Lord Randolph Churchill to demonstrate that the great confidence that has been reposed in him has not been misplaced.

Taken in connection with the above extracts, 257 it is amusing to read the leader which appeared in The Standard, July 31, 1889:—

Lord Randolph Churchill used his opportunities at Birmingham yesterday to illustrate, on a more ambitious scale than he has yet attempted, his constitutional incapacity for public life. A Statesman should be discreet; and even the hack politician is expected to be loyal to his associates. Lord Randolph has been at some pains to prove that no colleagues can trust him, and that no school of opinion can rely upon him for six weeks together. He made several speeches yesterday, and discussed at considerable length, and with an air of dogmatic assurance, a variety of topics. But the miscellaneous heads were all firmly held together by one pervading principle. Lord Randolph Churchill, his position and prospects, and the supreme importance of improving both at any cost, constituted the informing element of the whole medley. It does not, of course, follow that because Lord Randolph played a selfish game, he played a wise one. His addresses, we imagine, will strike him as poor reading by daylight. Even in the atmosphere of the City Hall, the reception was not altogether encouraging. It is not flattering to an orator to find that sayings which he meant to be oracular provoked merriment; that his serious things were taken as jokes and his jokes as serious things; and that solemn declarations of policy, which were designed to draw ringing cheers, were listened to in chilling silence, or, still worse, excited immediate and emphatic protest.

——:o:——

H. Rider Haggard.

He, by the author of “It,” “King Solomon’s Wives,” “Bess,” and other Romances. London, Longmans, Green and Co., 1887. This, of course, is a parody of “She; a History of Adventure,” by H. Rider Haggard, author of “King Solomon’s mines,” etc. Also published by Longmans and Co. London.

She was also dramatised, and produced at the Gaiety Theatre, London, in September, 1888.

Punch had a humorous skit on this adaptation (September 15, 1888) entitled “She-that-ought-not-to-be-played! A Story of Gloomy Gaiety.”

A burlesque of “She” had also previously appeared in Punch, February 26, 1887, entitled “Hee! Hee!” by Walker Weird, author of “Solomon’s Ewers.”

American publishers not only pirated the popular works of Mr. Rider Haggard, but one firm proceeded to father upon him a work of which he knew nothing. This was entitled “Me, a companion to She.” By H. Rider Haggard; published by Butler Brothers, of New York and Chicago. In justice to that firm, however, it must be said that they withdrew the work from circulation as soon as they discovered that Mr. Haggard objected to having his name coupled with it. Copies of this are consequently very difficult to procure.

King Solomon’s Wives; or, The Phantom Mines. By Hyder Ragged. With numerous illustrations by Linley Sambourne. London, Vizetelly and Co., 1887.

The jocular introduction to this is signed A. Quaterman.

——:o:——

Samuel Richardson.

It is well known that Fielding’s Joseph Andrews was written with the intention of ridiculing Richardson’s tediously moral novel Pamela, of which to a certain extent it is a parody, Joseph, the virtuous footman, being the brother of Pamela, and subjected to similar temptations. Fielding had a contempt for the priggish tone of Richardson’s works, and his ridicule succeeded in almost killing Pamela.

There was another curious attack on Richardson entitled “Apology for the Life of Mrs. Shamela Andrews, in which the Falsehoods of Pamela are Exposed, together with a full Account of all that passed between her and Parson Williams,” by Mr. Conny Keyber. 1741.

The History of Clorana, the Beautiful Arcadian, or Virtue Triumphant, 1737. (Pamela, with slight variations.)

——:o:——

MISS BRADDON.

Dr. Marchmont’s Misery.

This was a burlesque of “Lady Audley’s Secret” which appeared in Judy, 1868. It was written by Mr. Walter Parke. The following is an extract from this humorous work:—

Chapter xii.

Day had broken (though Martin was still solvent) and was casting brilliant Holborn Bars of light through the windows of Tredethlyn Abbey on to the artistic Phiz of Lady Aurorabella.

She was very very weary—tired of her own life, and of several other people’s lives, also she had not the heart to eat, and probably would not have eaten it if she had. Beyond trifling with the wing of a rabbit, cutting a morsel from a cold surloin of grouse, and drinking a single glass of Chiaroscuro, her breakfast was untouched.

For she had just received intelligence that, in spite of all her exertions, her Five Husbands were again at liberty!

“Oh! why did they not all perish?” she sobbed. “I have tried to get rid of them over and over again by every species of assassination, but now I am tired of mild measures. I must do something Desperate!”

So she summoned that ubiquitous detective officer, Inspector Weasel, who, from any quarter of the globe, would come by telegraph to obey her slightest word.

“Weasel” she said “I can endure this no longer, I have made a resolve. By the tyrannical laws of this hateful country, my quintette of husbands have been allowed to keep the marriage certificates. Once in possession of them, I could defy the world. If you value my peace or your own, you must get them for me.”

“I will,” replied the all accomplished detective and he set about it at once.

First, to pursue the fugitive Dr. Marchmont, “Ah” murmured the Detective “my experience tells me that when a fellow on the bolt says he is going to one place, he is certain to set off in exactly the opposite direction. Let me see,” And he carefully examined his Government survey of the World.

* * * * *

Inspector Weasel hastened to the Snoozington Railway Station.

“What time does the next train start for Kamtschatka?” “At 6.85,” was the reply.

The detective chafed with impatience. Two minutes to wait! It seemed an eternity-and-a-half to him! At length the train arrived and the detective jumped up behind the Engine Driver. “Off we go!” he cried, “bother stations, and signals, and all that sort of thing, never mind bursting the engine, or blowing up the passengers. I’m in a hurry!”

——:o:——

258

THE POLITE LETTER WRITER.

At the distribution of prizes to the art classes at Chesterfield in November, 1880, the secretary read a communication purporting to come from Mr. John Ruskin, in answer to one asking him to give them a lecture. It was as follows:—

“Harlesden, London, Friday.

“My dear Sir,—Your letter reaches me here. I have just returned from Venice, where I have ruminated in the pasturages of the home of art; the loveliest and holiest of lovely and holy cities, where the very stones cry out, eloquent in the elegancies of Iambics. I could not if I would go to Chesterfield, and I much doubt whether I would go if I could. I do not hire myself out—after the fashion of a brainless long tongued puppet—for filthy ducats. You, and those who told you to write me, want me, I presume, to come that you may make money for your art class; and if I should get you much money, you will then tolerate some good advice from me. No, I will not come.

“I have heard of Chesterfield. Hath it not a steeple-abomination, and is it not the home—if not the cradle—of that arch abomination-creator, Stephenson? To him are we indebted for the screeching and howling and shrieking fiends fit only for a Pandemonium, called locomotives, that disfigure the loveliest spots of God’s own land.

“I will not come to Chesterfield. Tell your students that art is a holy luxury, and they must pay for it. Tell them to study, to ponder, and to work with a single thought for perfection, observing loving and strict obedience to the monitions of their teacher. Let them learn to do things rightly and humbly, and then, by the conviction that they can never do them as well as they have been done by others, they may be profited.

“My good young people, this is pre-eminently the foolishest—yes, quite the foolishest—notion that you can get into your empty little egg-shells of heads; that you can be a Titian, or a Raphael, or a Phidias; or that you can write like Seneca. But because you cannot be great, that is no reason why you should not aspire to greatness. In joy, humility, and humbleness, work together. Only don’t study art because it will pay, and do not ask for payment because you study art. Art will make you all wiser and happier, and is worth paying for. If you are in debt—as I suppose you are, or why pester me?—pay off your debts yourselves. If you write to me only that you may get money, you are on the foolishest of all errands. Wisdom is more precious than rubies, and is offered to you as a blessing in herself. She is the reward of industry, kindness and modesty. She is the prize of prizes, the strength of your life now, and an earnest of the life that is to come. This advice is better than money, and I give it to you gratis. Ponder it and profit by it.—Ever faithfully yours,

John Ruskin.”

Many were the comments which this letter, widely published, as it was, created; for scarcely any one doubted the authenticity of the letter addressed to Chesterfield, a name which recals that of a celebrated Earl who also wrote letters, but his were on the art of politeness.

But a few days afterwards Mr. Ruskin denied that he had composed the epistle; it is, therefore, only of interest now as so clever a parody of his style that the whole London press was deceived by it. The following letter, however, was certainly genuine. In June 1886, a circular was addressed to Mr. Ruskin appealing for subscriptions towards extinquishing the debt of the Baptist Church at Richmond, to which he replied:—

Sir,—I am sorrowfully amused at your appeal to me, of all people in the world the precisely least likely to give you a farthing. My first word to all men and boys who care to hear me is “Don’t get into debt. Starve, and go to heaven; but don’t borrow. Try first begging. I don’t mind, if it’s really needful, stealing. But don’t buy things you can’t pay for.” And of all manner of debtors, pious people building churches they can’t pay for are the most detestable nonsense to me. Can’t you preach and pray behind the hedges, or in a sandpit, or in a coal-hole first? And of all manner of churches thus idiotically built, iron churches are the damnablest to me. And of all the sects and believers in any ruling spirit, Hindoos, Turks, Feather Idolators, and Mumbo Jumbo Log and Fire Worshippers, who want churches, your modern English Evangelical sect is the most absurd and entirely objectionable and unendurable to me. All which you might very easily have found out from my books. Any other sort of sect would, before bothering me to write it to them.—Ever, nevertheless, and in all this saying, your faithful servant,

John Ruskin.

Having enumerated the most important parodies of our great novelists, and given such extracts as the limits of space would permit, it only remains to mention such other prose parodies of works of fiction, which are either of less merit in themselves, or mimic authors of less importance than those already dealt with. This list can only be approximately complete, as there are hundreds of such parodies buried away in the back numbers of the Magazines and Comic Journals.

W. Harrison Ainsworth.

The Age of Lawn Tennis. A fragment after Harrison Ainsworth’s “Rookwood.” See Tennis Cuts and Quips.

Old Temple Bar; by W, Harrissing Ainsworth. See The Puppet Showman’s Album.

Blueacre. A Romance, by W. Harrising Painsworth. See Our Miscellany, by E. H. Yates and R. B. Brough.

William Black.

In Silk Attire. By W——m B——k. See The Tomahawk, July 17, 1869.

There was also a parody of Mr. Black, in The World.

A Princess of Lundy. By W——m B——k. See Ben D’Ymion and other Novelettes, by H. F. Lester. London, Swan Sonnenschein & Co., 1887.

This volume also contains:—

Muddlemarsh, by George Eliot.

The Portrait of a Hybrid, by Henry James.

A Rustic Zenobia, by Thomas Hardy.

James Fribblesaint, by J. H Shorthouse.

259 Countess of Blessington.

Portraits of Children of the Mobility, drawn from Nature, with Memoirs and Characteristic Sketches by the Author of the “Comic English Grammar” (Gilbert A. à Beckett), plates by John Leech. London, 1841.

A remarkably clever parody upon a publication entitled “Children of the Nobility,” issued under the auspices of the Countess of Blessington, the first Edition of which is scarce.

Charlotte Brontë.

Miss Mix. By Charlotte Brontë. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.

Miss Braddon.

Selina Sedilia. By Miss M. E. Braddon and Mrs. Henry Wood. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.

Miss Rhoda Broughton.

Gone Wrong. A new Novel by Miss Rhody Dendron, Authoress of “Cometh down like a Shower,” “Red in the Nose is She,” etc.

By F. C. Burnand. London, Bradbury, & Co, 1881.

Colonel F. Burnaby.

The Ride to Khiva. By F. C. Burnand. London, Bradbury, Agnew & Co, 1879. This burlesque of Colonel Burnaby’s A Ride to Khiva originally appeared in Punch.

Samuel Butler.

The Irish Hudibras, or Fingallian Prince. 1689.

The Whigs’ Supplication; or, Scotch Hudibras, a mock Poem. By Samuel Colville. First published in 1681, there have since been several editions.

The Lentiad; or, Peter the Pope pommelled and Pounded with a Hudibrastic Cudgel. Edited by Rev. John Allan. (Violently Anti-Catholic.) London, William Freeman, 1863.

Butler’s Ghost; or Hudibras, the fourth part, with reflections upon these times. Tom D’Urfey. 1682.

The Modern Hudibras, a poem in three cantos. By George Linley. London, J. C. Hotten, 1864.

“Cœlebs in search of a Wife.”

Cœlebs Deceived, a Novel. 1817.

Celia in search of a Husband, by a Modern Antique. 1809.

Miguel Cervantes.

A Chapter from the Book called The Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote de la Mancha, which by some mischance has not till now been printed. London, George Redway, 1887.

(A curious dissertation on the literature of the Occult Sciences.)

Don Quixote; or, the Knight of the woeful Countenance. A Romantic Drama, in two acts. By George Almar, Surrey Theatre London, April 8, 1833. (Dicks).

Don Quixote was also dramatised at the Alhambra Theatre, London, a few years ago.

Wilkie Collins.

The Moonstone and Moonshine, after Wilkie Collins. This parody appeared in The Mask, London, August 1868.

No Title, by Wilkie Collins. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.

Thomas Day.

The New History of Sandford and Merton. Being a True Account of the Adventures of “Masters Tommy and Harry,” with their Beloved Tutor, “Mr. Barlow.” By F. C. Burnand, with 76 Illustrations by Linley Sambourne.

London, Bradbury, Agnew & Co. 1871.

Of all Mr. Burnand’s burlesques, this is probably the most humorous; the immortal tutor prig, Mr. Barlow, the funny moral tales, and the equally funny illustrations, can scarcely be surpassed.

Daniel Defoe.

The New Robinson Crusoe, an Instructive and Entertaining History for the Children of both sexes. Thirty-two woodcuts by John Bewick. London, 1811.

Robinson Crusoe was translated into Latin by F. J. Goffaux in 1823, there are several French versions of it, the “Swiss Family Robinson,” and one in German called “Robinson the Younger,” by J. H. Campe.

Robinson the Younger, translated from the German of J. H. Campe. Hamburg, 1781.

Benjamin Disraeli.

Anti-Coningsby, or the New Generation grown old. By an embryo M.P. (Mr. W. North). 1844.

Hythair. By Walter Parke, Funny Folks, 1876.

Splendimion, or, the Asian Mystery. A Grand “Diz”-torical Romance. By Walter Parke. Funny Folks, 1880.

Charles Dickens.

In the list of plays founded on his novels, given on p. 226, the following should have been included:—

A Christmas Carol. By E. Stirling. Adelphi Theatre. February 5, 1844. (Barth.)

The Chimes. By E. Stirling, Lyceum Theatre, December, 26, 1844.

A Christmas Carol. By Charles Webb, (Barth.)

Martin Chuzzlewit. By Harry Minus, Oxford Theatre, Easter Monday, 1878, (Dicks).

These entries have been courteously supplied by Mr. T. F. Dillon Croker.

Hugh Conway.

Much Darker Days. By A. Huge Longway, author of “Scrawled Black,” “Unbound,” etc.

London, Longmans, Green and Co., 1884. Anonymous, preface signed A. H. L.

A later edition of this parody of Hugh Conway’s Dark Days was published in 1885, with an apologetic Preface.

Hauled Back, by his Wife. By Ugo Gone-away Hugaway. (Anonymous) London, J. and R. Maxwell, 1885.

Henry Fielding.

The History of Tom Jones the Foundling, in his Married State, London, 1750.

Tom Jones, a Comic Opera, as performed at Covent Garden Theatre, the words by Joseph Reed.

Tom Jones was also dramatised by Robert Buchanan, as well as Joseph Andrews, the title of which he changed to Joseph’s Sweetheart.

Mrs. Gore.

Mammon’s Marriage, by Mrs. Bore. See The Shilling Book of Beauty, by Cuthbert Bede.

Fergus W. Hume.

A Blood Curdling Romance.

The Mystery of a Wheelbarrow; or, Gaboriau Gaborooed. By W. Humer Ferguson. London, Walter Scott, 1888. A parody of The Mystery of a Hansom Cab, by Fergus W. Hume, of Melbourne, Australia.

260

G. P. R. James.

The Page. A Romaunt from English history, by Gustavus Penny Royal Jacobus. See Our Miscellany, by E. H. Yates and R. B. Brough.

The Passage of Prawns. A Tale of Picardy, by George Prince Regent James. See The Puppet Showman’s Album.

In Cruikshank’s Almanac for 1846, will be found an article entitled “Hints to Novelists,” in which short imitations are given of G. P. R. James, C. Dickens, and Fennimore Cooper.

Barbazure, by G. P. R. Jeames, Esq. See Novels by Eminent Hands, by W. M. Thackeray. (These originally appeared in Punch.)

Magnum of Burgundy. A Romance of the Fronde. See A Bowl of Punch, by Albert Smith.

The Robber of Idleburg, by Walter Parke. See The Comic News, London. 1864.

Charles Lever.

Phil. Fogarty. A Tale of the Fighting Onety-oneth. By Harry Rollicker. See Novels by Eminent Hands, by W. M. Thackeray.

Terence Deuville, by Charles L—v—r. See Sensation Novels Condensed, by Bret Harte.

Tom Kinnahan, or the Frays and Fights of a Horse Marine. By Charles Heaver, author of the “Confessions of Larry Jollycur,” etc. See The Puppet Showman’s Album.

Lord Lytton.

The Wrongful Heir; or, What will they do with him? A Strange Story. By Walter Parke. Judy, 1869.

Baron Munchausen.

The Travels and Surprising adventures of Baron Munchausen. First English Edition Oxford, 1786.

There can be little doubt but what this amusing piece of nonsense was written to ridicule certain German memoirs, some say those of Baron de Tott, others say those of Baron Von Trenck. The authorship of the work was also the subject of dispute, but it is now generally ascribed to G. A. Bürger, the German poet, who died in 1794.

In 1792 there appeared A Sequel to the Adventures of Baron Munchausen which was humbly dedicated to Mr. Bruce, the celebrated Abyssinian traveller.

The Surprising, Unheard of, and Never-to-be-surpassed Adventures of Young Munchausen, related and illustrated by C. H. Bennett. In twelve “Stories.” London, Routledge & Co., 1865.

This originally appeared in Routledge’s Every Boy’s Annual.

“Ouida.” (Louise de la Ramée.)

Blue Blooded Bertie, or under two fires. A serial burlesque of Ouida’s “Under Two Flags,” by Walter Parke. Funny Folks, 1875.

Samuel Pepys.

The Diary of Samuel Pepys Esq., while an undergraduate at Cambridge. With notes and appendix. Cambridge: Jonathan Palmer, 1864. This clever parody ran through several Editions, it was thought to be the production of Mr. Cooke, a student of Emanuel College, Cambridge.

Mr. Pips, hys Diary. Manners and Customs of ye English, 1849. By Percival Leigh, with illustrations by Richard Doyle.

The University Commission, or, Lord John Russell’s Postbag, containing Mister Anthony Pepys his Diary, he being a member of the said Commission. Oxford, W. Baxter, 1850.

(Written in the style of Pepys’ Diary.)

Charles Reade.

Chikkin Hazard. A Novel by Charles Readit and Dion Bounceycore. This parody on Fowl Play, written by Mr. F. C. Burnand, first appeared in Punch, it was afterwards issued in book form by Bradbury, Agnew & Co., 1881.

Sir Walter Scott.

Rebecca and Rowena. A sequel to Ivanhoe. By W. M. Thackeray.

Pontefract Castle, a novel attributed to Sir W. Scott. Contained in Tales of my Landlord, new series, published in 1820.

Sir Walter Scott formally disavowed this work at the end of his introduction to “The Monastery,” 1830.

Waverley. An abridged edition was published by Knight and Lacy, London, 1827, with the title page “Novels, Tales, and Romances” by Sir Walter Scott, abridged and illustrated by Sholto Percy. This appears to have been a gross piracy.

Moredun: A tale of the Twelve Hundred and Ten, by W. S. This was published in 1855, as a newly discovered Waverley novel.

Walladmor. (2 vols. 1855). A Novel, by De Quincey, which purported to be “Freely translated into German from the English of Sir Walter Scott, and now freely translated from the German into English.” It appears that German readers were actually hoaxed into the belief that this novel was by Scott.

Hawley Smart.

What’s the Odds? or, The Dumb Jockey of Teddington. A sporting novel by Major Jawley Sharp.

By F. C. Burnand, London, Bradbury and Co., 1879.

(This originally appeared in Punch.)

Horace Smith.

Whitehall; or, the Days of George IV. Dedicated to Sir Edmund Nagle, K.C.B. London. W. Marsh, 1827.

Horace Smith, one of the authors of Rejected Addresses, wrote a number of historical novels, most of which are now entirely forgotten. One of these was called Brambletye House, to ridicule which Dr. William Maginn wrote Whitehall.

“The author’s object,” said the Quarterly Review, in January 1828, “is to laugh down the Brambletye House species of novel; and for this purpose we are presented with such an historical romance as an author of Brambletye House, flourishing in Barbadoes 200 or 2,000 years hence, we are not certain which, nor is the circumstance of material moment, might fairly be expected to compose of and concerning the personages, manners, and events of the age and country in which we live * * * * The book is, in fact, a series of parodies upon unfortunate Mr. Horace Smith,—and it is paying the author no compliment to say that his mimicry (with all its imperfections) deserves to outlive the ponderous original.”

But Whitehall is itself, almost as heavy and as tedious, as the work it parodies.

Robert Louis Stevenson

The strange case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, by Robert Louis Stevenson. This weird and powerful story was dramatised by Mr. T. Russell Sullivan, and produced at the Lyceum Theatre in August 1888, Mr. Richard Mansfield performed the two title parts.

261 Another, but very inferior version, was brought out at the Opera Comique, London, by Mr. Bandmann about the same time, which the critics very unkindly laughed at as a ridiculous burlesque. Legal proceedings, however, soon compelled Mr. Bandmann to withdraw his unfortunate adaptation, and hurriedly close the theatre.

The Strange case of the Prime Minister and Mr. Muldoon, by Arthur Law, (London, 1886) was a sixpenny political pamphlet written to ridicule the Earl of Granville, Lord Hartington, Mr. Parnell and Mr. Gladstone.

The best thing in it was the following little parody:—

The Pirate’s Hand. A Romance of Heredity. By the Author of “The Strange case of Doctor Shuffle and Mister Glyde.” London, “Judy” office, 1888.

Jonathan Swift.

Hints to Servants; being a poetical and modernised version of Dean Swift’s celebrated “Directions to Servants.” By an Upper Servant. 1843.

Swift himself wrote some burlesques, amongst them one in prose, A Meditation on a Broomstick, in imitation of the style of the Hon. Robert Boyle’s Meditations.

His witty Directions to Servants, and The Polite and Ingenious Conversations, satirical and frequently indecent as they are, are also burlesques of their topics, treated in a very original manner.

Various imitations of the Directions to Servants have been written.

Swift’s Tale of a Tub Reversed for the universal improvement of mankind. 1750.

Gulliver Revived; or, the Vice of Lying properly Exposed, containing singular travels, campaigns, adventures, &c. by Baron Munchausen, also, a Sequel to the Adventures dedicated to Bruce, the Abyssinian Traveller. 1789-92.

Lilliput, being a new journey to that celebrated island, with an account of the manners, customs, &c., of those famous little people, by Lemuel Gulliver, 1766.

A political skit. The names are thinly disguised by the transposition of letters.

Voyage to Locuta; a Fragment, with etchings and notes of illustrations. By Lemuel Gulliver Junr. London, J. Hatchard 1818. A curious little grammatical work written in the form of an allegory, and as a sequel to Gulliver’s travels. (Scarce).

Gulliver and Munchausen outdone, by Peter Vangergoose. London, 1807.

W. M. Thackeray.

The Coachman, the Cook, and their Prodigy the Page. By Wm. Breakpeace Thwackaway.

See The Shilling Book of Beauty. This parody was written by the late J. H. Friswell.

Mrs. Tippikens’ Yellow Velvet Cape. By W. M. Thwackaway. (With an illustration by the author).

See The Puppet Showman’s Album. This little brochure also contains prose imitations of Lytton, G. P. R. James, B. Disraeli, C. Dickens, Charles Lever, T. Carlyle, W. H. Ainsworth, Douglas Jerrold, W. S. Landor, Mrs. Trollope, J. W. Croker and Albert Smith, most of which have already been quoted.

Anthony Trollope.

The Beadle! or, the Latest Chronicle of Small-Beerjester, by Anthony Dollop. Punch, 1880.

The Age of Lawn-Tennis. After Anthony Trollope. See Tennis Cuts and Quips. London, Field and Tuer.

Edmund Yates.

Ba! Ba! Black Sheep. An imitation, with a portrait of Mr. Yates, appeared in The Mask. London. June, 1868.

——:o:——

Guy Dyingstone, or the Muscular Patrician. A burlesque Novel by Walter Parke. Funny Folks, 1875.

Guy Deadstone. Another burlesque of “Guy Livingstone,” by the same author, appeared in Judy, 1869.

The Desperado of the Wilderness: or, The Maid, the Murderer, and the Demon Huntsman of Ashantee. This was a thrilling narrative of the “Boys of England” type, it appeared in Gleanings from “The Blue” 1881.

Our Boys Novelist, being stories of Wild Sport for the Youths of all Nations, with illustrations of the correctly exaggerated type by Harry Furniss, appeared in Punch, 1882.

PROGRAMMES AND PROCESSIONS.

YE ANNUALE WHYTEBAITE DINNER

OF

HYR MAJESTYE’S MINISTERS,

On Wednesdaie, ye 14th August, 1878,

Atte ye Hostelrie yclept

Ye Shippe, atte Greenwiche.

This Bille of ye Fare is drawn in playne Englysh, without any cloake of Frenche or other foreygne tongue, for the sadde and sobere comforte of frendes, and that ye maye know what ye are asked to accept.

Ye Bille of ye Fare.

Ye Soupe.

Soupe made from ye Turtle, and alsoe

Soupe made from ye Greene Fatte of ye same.

Ye Fyshe.

Ye Flounders curyously cooked, and

Salmonne servyd inne lyke mannere.

Ryssoles of ye Lobstere.

Ye lyttel Soles, fryed.

Ye Pudynges of ye Whyting.

Ye Eles skynned and stewed inne ye riche wyne of Oporto.

Ye Omelette of Crabbe inne ye style as servyd to ye Guardes of ye Blue Seale.

Ye Troute from ye River Spey, grylled with ye sauce of Tartar.

Salmonne inne collopes, with ye sauce inne ye Cyprus fashonne.

Ye Whytebaite, be-frizzled, and alsoe be-devylled.

262

Fleshe and Fowle.

Sweetbreades with ye Mushroomes added thereunto.

Ye Haunche of ye Royale Bucke, with Haricotte Beans servyd therewith.

Ye Antient Hamme, from ye Citye of Yorke, grylled inne wyne of Champagne.

Ye Grouse from ye Northe Countree.

Hogge Bacone and younge Beanes.

Ye Sweetes, &c.

Apprycottes flavoured with Noyau.

Pudynges iced, after ye Nesselrode mannere.

Lyttel Cakes made with ye Cheese from Parma, inne Italie.

Ye Ices flavoured with Oranges and Strauberres.

Divers Fruytes which are your Desertes, and ye Wynes of Champagne and manie outlandysh countrees.

Ye Dinner will be servyd after ye mannere of ye Russian people.

Ye Guestes are bydden to eate after ye Hungarie mannere.

W. T. Bale, Mastere.

——:o:——

Miss Louisa Alcorn, a musical lady of New York, gave a dinner to a party of operatic friends. Here is the menu:—

Overture of Blue points. Soup with vermicelli obligato. Crabs al largo. Andante of Veal. Maccaroni scherzo. Gavotte of Pork and Beans. Pepper Sauce allegretto. Roast Beef maestoso. Tomato torcata, and bourrée of Yorkshire pudding. Ducks with accompaniments in P.’s. Game (in not too high a key). A symphony in Sweets.

——:o:——

The following was the menu of the Capital Club dinner, held on January 31st 1885.

MENU.

“Man shall not live by bread alone.”—Matthew iv., 4.

[Entries close at 8 o’clock. Open to all members. Start from scratch.]

Oysters.

Bluepoints, double geared. Fluted forks.

Soup.

Volaille au Riz l’Allemande tra la la le.

Fish.

Red Snapper, elliptical backbone, Shrimp sauce. Hollandaise Potatoes, tandem.

Releve.

Saddle of Southdown mutton, long distance. Capon braise, a la Toulouse, not too loose.

Entrees.

Filet de Bœuf, piqué, with laced spokes. Cotelettes de Mouton, with power traps. Spring Chicken, fried, with noiseless ratchets. Quail on toast, with rat-trap pedals. Punch, a la Cardinal, Pope M’f’g Company.

Game.

Canvas Back Duck, buckled, with Croton Waste. Venison, with Currant Jelly, shrunk on. Pool, with set ups. Billiards, with ball-bearings.

Salads.

Lobsters narrow-tread. Chicken, with gunmetal hubs.

Vegetables.

Green Peas, droped forged. Sweet Corn, half-nickled. Baked Mashed Potatoes, on the dead centre. Stewed Tomatoes, anti-friction.

Dessert.

Tapioca Pudding, non-corrodent sauce. Assorted Cakes, enamelled and striped. Strawberry Ice Cream, on one wheel. Macaroons, Invincible double section hollow rims. Fruits, sociable. Champagne Jelly, hands-off. Roquefort Cheese, hill climbing.

Liquors.

French Coffee. Aqua Pura, Glace à la Artesian.

Music by Schrœder.

——:o:——

Prescription for feelin’ bad.

iii gr. Aquy pury.

About ¼ pint Whiskii Hyberniæ.

⅛ inch Lemoni } ad discretionem.

iii dr. Lumpi sugari

Mixiter cum crusher.

Directions for application.

Foment the interior of the mouth with ⅛ of the mixture. Shortly after use ⅛ as a gargle, the same to be washed down with the remainder forthwithly.

The Hornet, 1871.

——:o:——

UN-OFFICIAL PROGRAMME

OF THE

LORD MAYOR’S SHOW for 1884.

By Deputy Chaff-Wax.

(This is much too long to be given in full)

The Services of the City Trumpeters will be dispensed with, the Lord Mayor having signified his intention of blowing his own, for which service he is eminently qualified.

Alderman Savory

Will enliven the March by singing scraps of Dr. Watts’ hymns.

Alderman H. T. Waterlow

(the Alphabet Alderman) is to be escorted by the twenty-six electors who made him an Alderman and Magistrate for life!!!

Sir John Bennett and Alderman Hadley

will march arm-in-arm in sack-cloth and ashes doing penance for their presumption.

The Banners of the City Knights will be emblazoned with the new device:—

“REAL TURTLE AND MOCK TITLES”

The Banner of Alderman Teetotum Whitehead bearing the Inscription

“VIDEO MELIORA PROBOQUE DETERIORA SEQUOR.”

263

Captain Shaw of the Fire Brigade

will attend with his own hose, and if necessary, to restrain the enthusiastic reception of the Lord Mayor, will play upon the people.

BUMBLEDOM

Is to be represented by all the Companies and Parish Beadles and Jacks in office in London, with cocked hats, gold lace, mace, cinnamon, &c.

Banner of Lord Mayor Fowler, with the device The motto for Liberals permit me to mention, “Bradlaugh and Blasphemy” is my invention.

Major Sewell and Sir T. Nelson Will exhibit the Secret Service Cash Book. The Splendid Banner of the League, with the device— “WHY SHOULD LONDON WAIT,” Borne by Messrs. Firth, Beal, Lloyd, and Phillips.

A Cartoon of Lazarus and Dives representing On one side—Civic Satraps dining— On the other, “Out-cast London”—pining.

ONE POLICEMAN ARM-IN-ARM. The City Marshall on Horseback Singing, “Let me Like a Soldier Fall.”

A DISSOLVING VIEW of the odious Coal and Wine Dues, (The Metropolitan Board doing a Break-down.)

Deputy Bedford, the City Wag, will join the procession at Temple Bar, where he will await it on his £12,000 Griffin.

THE WONDERFUL BILL OF THE CIVIC BANQUET WHICH COST £27,000!!! Will be carried by the Common Councilmen who ate it, to amuse the people who paid for it.

The Sheriffs will be preceded by the band of the Rueful Brigade, playing selections from Madame Hang-o’.

The Trophies of our Colonies will be followed by the TROPHIES of our LONDON SLUMS, followed by NEMESIS!!

The Rt. Hon. Sir Wm. Vernon Harcourt, M.P., Will ask the populace at every stoppage “If they will submit to the dictation of the Leeds Caucus and suffer the Constitution to be tinkered at, while the heart of the Empire is suffering from congestion.”

The Banner of the Union Will be followed by the 90,000 London Paupers.

THE LATE LORD MAYOR Will be serenaded by the Vauxhall Water Co.’s Share-holders—“Good Night—Good Knight,” &c.

Lord Mayor Fowler

Will be preceded by a Herald who will announce the fact that his Lordship represents some 200 nobodies and will shine for 12 months in the reflected light of FOUR MILLIONS, but in consideration of his gentleness, dignity, and urbanity, and in the hope that he will be

THE LAST OF THE SHAMS He must be tolerated accordingly.

This tomfoolery now will be brought to a close in a very appropriate way, sir, By Alderman Finis and Corpulent Innes, and Alderman Polly Decay Sir.

N.B.—The Chairman of the S. E. Rly. will be an hour behind time.—As usual.

——:o:——

THE LORD MAYORS SHOW, 1884.

Mounted Police clearing five-barred gates. City Police clearing their throats.

The Mayors of Brighton, Ramsgate, and Margate in Bathing Machines drawn by their own Horses. A lot of people whom nobody knows in hired flys.

THE COMPANY OF POLITICIANS. The Premier, Axing his way. Sir William Harcourt, with Municipal Bill, arm-in-arm. One hundred Members of the House of Peers, in morning dress. The old Chain Pier from Brighton in full armour. The Faithful Wimbledon, Wandsworth and Putney Commons.

THE COMPANY OF PAINTERS. Twenty Royal Academicians, in beautiful modern costumes, in a chariot Drawn by Themselves!!

THE COMPANY OF WRITERS. Lord Tennyson, in his Inverness cape and coronet. Professor Ruskin, anyhow. A round dozen of the Incorporated Society of Authors, assorted.

THE COMPANY OF PLAYERS. Mr. Toole drawing a House. Walking Gentlemen coming slowly as “Strollers” The Jersey Lily and Lyceum Mary, as Sandwich Girls, carrying Somebody’s Soft Soap.

THE COMPANY OF WARRIORS. Our Only General, in his only uniform. Our Only Admiral, a little out of date. Ironclads on horseback. Each mounted on an old screw.

THE COMPANY OF ROYALTIES. Royalties on Songs, Royalties on Books, Royalties on everything. Mr. George Grossmith as “The Susceptible Chancellor,” followed by all The Judges of Wine, of Pictures, of Plays, and The Judge of the Race in his own private box.

THE RIGHT HONOURABLE THE LORD MAYOR, as “A Positive,” bearing banner with motto “Photo de Mieux,” In his State Robes, Supported by the Stereoscopic Company.

The Procession will be closed by A Negative of the Late Lord Mayor Accompanied by a Band playing “Love for a Year!”

Punch.

——:o:——

HOW THEY’LL OPEN THE INVENTORIES.

Massed Steel Band, Composed of Eminent Surgeons, playing on their Surgical Instruments. Tune—“The Savile Row Lancers.” Specimens of Agricultural Implements, marshalled by a Steam Drill Master. Steam Ploughs and their Chères, arm in arm. Thrashing Machines following in the beaten track. A detachment of Devonshire Hinds (hinder part before). Delegates from the National Agricultural Labourers’ Union, bearing their own Triumphal “Arch.” Band, playing “The Cameras are coming.” Photographic Apparatus, focussing and swearing. 264 Miss Mary Anderson, drawn in a brightly-coloured “carte” Two Negatives making a Positive. Two Positivists taking a Negative. A Photographic Sportsman taking a Fence. Band, playing “The Harp that once through Tara’s Halls,” and the Tune the old cow died of. Cue-rious Instruments, headed by two “Jiggers.” “P-an’-O” Boats, with sales set on the Three Years’ Hire System. The first pair of “Lyres” ever discovered. A Predatory Brass Band, playing “Band-ditties.” Sample of the “Horns” originally exalted in the East. “Cavendish,” playing “The Last Trump.” Deputation from the “Portland,” playing little Clubs. Mr. Charles Warner, singing his “Last Chaunts.” Gold Band, playing “All round my hat.” Novel Inventions three abreast. Miss Braddon and “Ouida” inventing plots. Padding. Dramatists inventing Situations. More Padding. Hydraulic Presses collecting Water Rates. Captive Balloonatics (with their Keepers). Armour-plated “Monitors.” Lent by the King’s College School authorities. Fountains, playing Handel’s “Water Music.” A Thames Angler, playing a Fish. Band of Swindlers, playing False Cards. Diplomatic Inventions à la Russe. The latest thing in Despatches Invented by General Komaroff. Band of Diplomatists, playing the Fool.

Funny Folks, May, 1885.

——:o:——

THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW, 1885.

The following programme originally appeared in The Sporting Times, November 7, 1885. It has been found necessary to abbreviate it, partly because it was too long, and partly because it was too broad.

Next Monday this time-honoured procession will once more perambulate the streets, squares, ponds, reservoirs, and bars of the metropolis. Every one being sick of the Guildhall, it will this year start from Bow Street, passing by the stage-door of the Gaiety Theatre, proceeding through the Gaiety grill room, into Prosser’s Avenue. The procession will then proceed vià Drury Lane Theatre to the Royal, returning by Rules’ in Maiden Lane, down to Romano’s. Thence, if not interfered with by the police, and still sufficiently sober to proceed, it will march to the Criterion, en route for Hatchett’s. After that its course is a trifle uncertain. The order of the procession will be as follows:—

POLICE UNARMED WITH REVOLVERS. Burglars Beating Police. Police Armed with Revolvers. Ambulance Waggons Containing Respectable Citizens shot down as Burglars.

BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF LUMBERERS. Banner of the Banner of the Punching Machine. Lord Chief Justice. The Lumberer’s Band.

Triumphal Car depicting Early English Industries. On this vehicle, kindly lent by the Worshipful Company of Card Makers, will be depicted, as the procession rolls by, the whole Art and Science of faking the broads, cutting longs and shorts, of dealing the long hand, and abundances at Solo.

Welshers who have passed into Tattersall’s. Welshers who have been chucked while endeavouring to pass into Tattersall’s.

BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF BAT MAKERS. Banner of J. L. Shine. Banner of John Coleman.

BANNER OF LADY ARCHIE CAMPBELL. The Bat Band. Air: “Batti! Batti!”

BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF CHILDREN PROTECTORS. Banner of Darby. Banner of Stead. Banner of Booth. Banner of Blobbs.

BANNER OF THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF TAPEMAKERS. Banner of the Albert Club. The Governor of Holloway. The Governor of Pentonville. Late Friends of the Governor’s on Tickets of Leave. Present Friends of the Governor’s on Treadmills. Aldermen who have passed the chair. Aldermen who have passed the bottle. Aldermen who have passed nothing. Banner of Beecham. Banner of Cockle. Banner bearing motto, “N. S.” Banner bearing motto, “Refer to Drawer.” Banner bearing motto, “No Account.” Banner of Sewage Banner of Billingsgate Commissioners. Fish Ring. Banner of Mudsalad Market. Band of Her Majesty’s Scavengers.

THE LADY MAYORESS SHIFTER In a Brompton ’Bus, Attended by Her Landlady. Banner of the Gaiety Theatre Canteen.

THE LORD MAYOR. People with People with Aquiline Noses. Snub Noses.

TRIUMPHAL CAR, representing the Search For Chips or “Where is the Oofbird?”

——:o:——

THE LORD MAYOR’S SHOW, 1886.

(the Year of the Socialist Scare.)

It is stated that the Lord Mayor’s Show this year will be of an entirely novel character, and will be made up somewhat like this:—

THE CITY MARSHAL, On horseback, glued to the saddle for the sake of safety.

Detachment of the Light Cavalry of the Very Ancient and Still More Honourable Artillery Company, Dismounted for fear of accidents.

265

The Chief Commissioner of the City Police, Escorted by a detachment of the Social Democratic Federation.

BANNER OF THE UNEMPLOYED. Band of the United Order of German Musicians. Banner of the Worshipful Company of City Gorgers.

BANNER OF CHARLES HARRIS, Esq. Charles Harris, Esq., Seated on a triumphal car.

Banner of the Worshipful Company of Scene Shifters.

Band of the Royal Horse Marines. (Green). Aldermen who have Passed the Bottle. Aldermen who have not Passed the Bottle, But have preferred to keep it near them.

Banner of the Worshipful company of Loan Mongers.

BANNER OF COMMISSIONER KERR.

Band of the Royal Dismounted Infantry. The Right Honourable the Lord Mayor’s Carriage, Containing the Sword and Mace Bearers, the Lord Mayor being absent on other business.

Escort of the Royal Horse Marines. (Green). RAG. TAG. BOBTAIL.

It has been considered advisable to omit the scriptural quotations from the following reprint:—

COPY OF A BILL WRITTEN BY THE LATE REV. ROWLAND HILL, which was stuck up at RICHMOND, On Saturday, 4th of June, 1774, close to the Play Bill for that day. The design was to divert the minds of the gay and dissipated, from the vain amusements of the THEATRE And to fix their attention on the awful circumstances which shall usher in, and succeed, “The Great and Terrible Day of the Lord.”

BY COMMAND OF THE KING OF KINGS, and at the desire of all who love his appearing. At the THEATRE OF THE UNIVERSE on the Eve of time, will be performed THE GREAT ASSIZE or DAY OF JUDGMENT,

THE SCENERY

Which is now actually preparing, will not only surpass everything that has yet been seen, but will infinitely exceed the utmost stretch of human conception. There will be a just REPRESENTATION of ALL THE INHABITANTS of the WORLD, in their various and proper colours; and their costumes and manners will be so exact, and so minutely delineated, that the most secret thought will be discovered.

This THEATRE will be laid out after a new plan, and will consist of

PIT & GALLERY

only; and contrary to all others, the GALLERY is fitted up for the reception of Persons of High (or Heavenly) Birth, and the PIT for those of Low (or Earthly) Rank. N.B.—The GALLERY is very spacious, and the PIT without bottom.

To prevent inconvenience, there are separate doors for admitting the company; and they are so different that none can mistake that are not wilfully blind. The Door which opens into the GALLERY is very narrow, and the steps up to it somewhat difficult: for which reason there are seldom many people about it. But the Door that gives entrance into the PIT is very commodious: which causes such numbers to flock to it that it is generally crowded. N.B.—The straight Door leads towards the right hand, and the broad one to the left. It will be in vain for one in a tinselled coat and borrowed language to personate one of HIGH BIRTH in order to get admittance into the upper places, for there is One of wonderful and deep penetration who will search and examine every individual and all who cannot pronounce SHIBBOLETH in the language of Canaan, or has not received a white stone and a new name, or cannot prove a clear title to a certain portion of the LAND of PROMISE, must be turned in at the left door.

Act First. of this grand and solemn piece will be opened by AN ARCHANGEL WITH THE TRUMP OF GOD!!!

act Second. PROCESSION OF SAINTS In white, with Golden Harps, accompanied with Shouts of Joy and Songs of Praise.

Act Third.

An ASSEMBLAGE of all THE UNREGENERATE, the music will chiefly consist of Cries, accompanied with WEEPING, WAILING, MOURNING, LAMENTATION, and WOE.

To conclude with an oration by THE SON OF GOD.

After which the Curtain will drop.

Tickets for the PIT, at the easy purchase of following the pomps and vanities of the Fashionable World, and the desires and amusements of the Flesh, to be had at every Flesh-pleasing Assembly.

Tickets for the GALLERY, at no less rate than being converted, forsaking all, denying self, taking up the Cross, and following Christ in the Regeneration. To be had no where but in the word of God, and where that word appoints.

N.B.—No money will be taken at the door, nor will any Tickets give admittance into the Gallery but those sealed by the Lamb.

266

COMPANY PROSPECTUSES.

Of late years the British public has been surfeited with the Prospectuses of new Limited Liability Companies; needy Lords and retired officers have been in great request for the Boards of Directors, they being precisely the two classes of men least likely to have any knowledge of business, or experience in commercial affairs.

Some of these Prospectuses have been so ridiculous in themselves that they read like burlesques, but numbers of amusing parodies of Company Prospectuses have also been published.

One of the best and earliest of these appeared in Blackwood’s Magazine, October 1845 during the great Railway Mania. It was written by Professor Aytoun, and was styled “How we got up the Glenmutchin Railway, and how we got out of it.”

This detailed the inception of a bogus Scotch Railway, and the prospectus of the Direct Glenmutchin Railway, with a list of the Directors, is one of the finest pieces of humorous writing in the language.

Another amusing parody was brought out some years ago, namely “The Gott-up Hotel Company, Limited,” with Sir Titus A. Drum, Baronet, as Chairman of the Directors.

When the Crown Prince of Portugal visited London in 1883, he went to Claridge’s Hotel, as he had not been invited to any of the Royal Palaces, this caused Mr. Punch to issue the following:—

PROMISING PROSPECTUS.

The Royal and Imperial Homeless and Wandering Visitors Hotel Company (Limited).

The Directors of this unique and magnificently conceived enterprise, undertaken with a view to supplying that now long experienced National want, a suitable palatial residence for Princes and Potentates found wandering in search of a fitting domicile about the back streets of the Metropolis, have much pleasure in informing their intended august Patrons, that their perfectly-appointed establishment will shortly open under the direction of a well-known and experienced retired Central-European Monarch, whose distinguished services they have had the honour to secure.

The following (extracted from the Company’s Abridged Prospectus) comprise a few of the leading features of the new establishment:—

The building will stand on a convenient and imposing site judiciously selected in the immediate vicinity of the Metropolitan District Railway Station, St. James’s Park, and within easy access of the Aquarium, Westminster Bridge, the House of Detention, and the Foreign Office.

There will be no lettered name or title on the façade of the new Hotel, which will, with the object of giving rise to a pleasing illusion, be specially designed by the architect to resemble as far as possible that of a not far distant and generally unoccupied Royal Palace.

A trained and certificated Diplomatist, who can speak several European languages fluently, will be permanently attached to the staff of the establishment, and will give his services gratis.

A couple of effective Sentry Boxes will also be placed at the principal entrance, and occupied permanently by two of the Company’s Private Soldiers, who, dressed in the correct uniform of Her Majesty’s Foot Guards, will be efficiently drilled for their duty.

Gold Sticks in Waiting will attend in the Hall for the purpose of receiving Royal and Imperial Visitors. They will also, if desired to do so, precede them to their respective apartments, walking backwards up-stairs for a small extra charge.

The general scheme of the establishment will include several public Throne and Reading Rooms, A Privy Council Chamber, Gala Banquet Hall, and a series of excellent Billiard and Abdication Tables by the best makers.

In order to meet the requirements of august personages who desire to be surrounded at a reasonable cost with such State accessories as are proper to their dignity and position, the subjoined Tariff of Prices has been carefully arranged by the Management, in the hope that it will be found not incompatible with a charge on the most moderate civil list:—

Tariff.

Private Royal or Imperial Sitting-Room (per day) 5s. to 7s 6d.

(Ditto, ditto, with throne, 2s. 6d. extra.)

Ditto Bed-Room (exclusive of light) 3s. to 6s.

State Imperial ditto, with half-tester velvet canopy 8s.

Double-bedded ditto (suitable for two Emperors) 14s.

Breakfast, consisting of Tea or Coffee, with cold Meat, broiled Ham, or Eggs 2s. 6d.

Ditto, ditto, with full Military Band outside 3s.

Chop or Steak, with potatoes 1s. 6d.

Ditto, ditto, with Salvos of Artillery at intervals 1s. 9d.

State Dinner of Soup, or Fish, Entrées, Joint, with Cheese and Celery 3s. 6d.

Ditto, ditto, including Toast-Master and Musical Grace 5s.

Ditto, ditto, in Uniform, at High Table (if singly) 1s. extra.

Gas Illumination on Exterior of Sitting-Room, according to device (per evening) From 2s. to 10s. 6d.

Cup of Tea 4d.

Ditto, on Throne 6d.

Two Lancers to attend Cab or Carriage to Theatre or Reception (for first hour) 1s.

For each succeeding hour 6d.

Daily crowd (with cheers), on entering or leaving hotel, by contract.

Strictest attention paid to the slightest International prejudices.

An ultimatum always ready on the premises.

Punch, December 22, 1883.

——:o:——

A few extracts from the

Prospectus of the Horse Shoe Hotel,

Tottenham Court Road, London.

This hotel was built and arranged for the special comfort and convenience of the travelling public.

On arrival, each guest will be asked how he likes the situation, and if he says the hotel ought to have been placed nearer the park or railway station, the location of the house will be immediately changed. Front rooms, on first floor, for each guest.

Bath, gas, hot and cold water, laundry, telegraph, fire 267 escape, restaurant, bar-room, billiard tables, daily papers, sewing machine, grand piano, a clergyman, and all other modern conveniences in every room.

Meals every minute if desired. Waiters of any desired nationality.

Every waiter furnished with a libretto, button-hole bouquets, full dress suits, theatre tickets, the latest tips, and his hair parted down the middle. Every guest will have the best seat in the dining hall, and the best waiter in the house.

Any guest not getting his breakfast red hot, or experiencing a delay of fifteen seconds after giving his order for dinner, will please mention the fact at the Manager’s Office, and the cooks and waiters will at once be blown by Her Majesty’s Horse Guards from the mouth of the cannon.

Children will be welcomed with delight, and are requested to bring hoop-sticks and jack-knives, to bang and hack the carved rosewood furniture, specially provided for the purpose; they will be allowed to thump the piano at all hours, fall down stairs, scream and yell to their heart’s content, carry away dessert enough for a small family in their pockets at dinner, and make themselves otherwise as agreeable and entertaining as the fondest mother can desire. Washing underlinen allowed in all the drawing-rooms.

A discreet waiter, who belongs to the Masons, Odd Fellows, and Women’s Suffrage, and who was never known to tell the truth, has been employed to carry milk punches and hot toddies to the ladies’ rooms in the evening.

The office clerk has been carefully selected to please everybody, and can play unlimited loo, match worsteds at the shop round the corner, toss for drinks at any hour, day or night, play billiards, a good waltzer, amuse the children, is a good judge of horses, as a railroad reference is far superior to the A B C, Bradshaw’s, or anybody else’s guide, will flirt with any young lady, and not mind being cut dead when “Pa comes down,” don’t mind being damned any more than the Regent’s Canal, can put forty people into the best room in the house when the hotel is full, and answer questions in Greek, Hebrew, Choctaw, Irish, or any other polite language, at the same moment, without turning a hair.

Dogs allowed in any room in the house, including the w(h)ine room. Gentlemen can drink, smoke, swear, chew, gamble, tell shady stories, stare at the new arrivals, or indulge in any other innocent amusements in any part of the hotel.

The landlord will always be happy to hear that some other hotel is “the best in the country,” and that his is the very worst.

——:o:——

Dear Jack.

Enclosed Draft Prospectus was got up by one of our “sinners,”[56] and as just now the public will buy any mortal thing, I seriously believe there is coin in the idea. Send the manuscript to the printer, just as it stands, and tell him to set it up and send a few pulls, marked “Private—First Proof,” which I will pass round and get licked into shape.

Yours, old fellow,

Peter Preemium.

P.S.—Keep it quiet.

The Quill Toothpick Attachment Company, Limited.

Messrs Layit Onthick & Co., offer for subscription the undermentioned Capital:

(The subscription list will open on Saturday next at Four o’clock in the afternoon, and will close at five minutes past Nine on Monday morning.)

Ordinary Shares, £10 each £5,000,000

Preference 6 per cent. Shares, £10 each £4,500,000

Total Share Capital £9,500,000

Debenture Stock bearing interest at 5 per cent. (redeemable at the Company’s option up to the expiration of twenty years from the first of April next (1887) at 110 per cent.) £3,000,000

£12,500,000

“One-half of the ordinary Shares is reserved for the Vendor, who will hold as long as it suits his convenience, and the remainder, together with the Preference Shares and Debenture Stock, are now offered severally for public subscription at par.

The Quill Toothpick Attachment Company, Limited,

has been formed to supply the whole world with Quill Toothpicks, the interiors of which will be charged with hydraulically compressed drinks, such as the stout of Guinness, the ale of Bass, the champagne of , the whiskey of , the port of , and the sherry of .

Might charge these as advertisements, say £25 each, and cheap enough at the money.

By means of a new forcing machine, which the vendor is now trying to invent, he thinks that a quart of Guinness or a bottle of Champagne can be readily compressed into the interior of a Toothpick, and when in the mouth the contents will be gently and gradually released by the touch of a spring. The Tea of , and the Coffee of will be stored in a similar manner. The Company will grant Royalties to Temperance Societies.

Try Cooper Cooper & Co., and that tinned French Coffee chap—I forget his name—for advertisement. If you can, get some soft soap into the prospectus, Pears’ should be safe for at least £100.

The advantages of the Quill Toothpick Attachment must be apparent to the meanest capacity. For instance, a man is invited out to dine, and finds himself in danger of being poisoned. He pulls out a Toothpick charged with the desired drink, and the morning headache is avoided. Ten thousand Toothpicks charge with - - - - -

Charge £50 for this advertisement.

wonderful brand of champagne will be distributed gratis to the female leaders of society, and it is anticipated that the use of toothpicks will soon become common to both sexes at every meal. As a further development it is anticipated that hosts will soon cease altogether to provide bottled drinks for their guests, and in place thereof will lay in quantities of Toothpicks charged by the Company. The contents of the Toothpicks will in all cases be absolutely guaranteed to be what they are, and this the Directors distinctly guarantee it is impossible to dispute.

The prospects of the Company are exceedingly brilliant. 268 Professor Figuritout has been specially feed for the compilation of the following startling statistics:

“The population of the world,” says the learned Professor, “is in round figures ,000,000,000,” and the Professor stakes his reputation that 00·000 per cent. uses a Toothpick.

Fill in at discretion.

The Company hope to make very large profits out of the Toothpicks themselves, and will at once proceed to open negotiations for the purchase of farms and ranches in the great Sahara of Africa and the vast plains of America for the cultivation of the Anser Vulgaris, or common goose.

The Anser Vulgaris flourishes everywhere, and by gentle persuasion readily and painlessly parts with its feathers, in fact it generally takes some time to discover that anything is wrong. The gander parts less readily, and as a rule the feathers are small and so few in number as to be hardly worth plucking.

There is another well-known and exceedingly strong feathered breed of goose (Anser Stockexchangeiensis) frequenting the numerous runs adjacent Capel Court. This breed parts with no persuasion, in fact at times it courts being plucked, but it has a nasty habit of shortly wanting back again all its own feathers and as many of other people’s as it can possibly grab hold of. Sometimes, but not often, it loses nearly every feather it has got, and then it gently hisses, and horribly blasphemes.”

These Extracts are taken from a Prospectus issued by John Heywood, Manchester, in 1887.

——:o:——

Numerous burlesque acts of Parliament have been published, the late Albert Smith wrote several which were printed in imitation of parliamentary papers. One was entitled “An Act to amend the laws relating to the giving of Dinner and Evening Parties. Act 1. Cap 1. 1848.”

(Ireland.)

A BILL

intituled,

An Act for the better defence and support of Life of Landlord and Tenant, and to facilitate the Maintenance and Comfort of Persons subject to certain starvation in Ireland.

Preamble.

Whereas there has been always found to be a certain connexion between Misery and Outrage in Ireland; AND WHEREAS, there is no reason to believe that the Irish people have a greater fancy for shooting each other than other people; AND WHEREAS, hitherto every kind of Coercion has been tried without effect, and the only means of preventing outrage that has not been tried is to give the people work and food.

I. Be it enacted that from and after the passing of this Act, it shall and may be compulsory upon every English Cabinet Minister, before he legislates for Ireland, to pay a visit to the same, and learn something of the real state of the people and the country thereof.

II. And be it enacted, that it shall and may be lawful to teach Irish Landlords that Property has its duties as well as its Rights, and that the latter may best be secured by a due and proper discharge of the former.

III. And be it enacted, that from and after the passing of this Act, Milk of Human Kindness be allowed to be imported into Ireland, and used freely in all parts of the same, instead of the Odium Theologicum or Odium Politicum now in use, in lieu thereof.

* * * * *

VIII. And be it enacted, that a compensation not exceeding £ per annum, be paid to Mr. O’Connell and all hired agitators, for the loss they shall sustain by the passing of this Bill.

IX. And be it enacted, that in the construction of this Act, masculine words shall mean feminine, and singular plural; and that all other rules of grammar shall be violated, as in other Acts is usually provided.

From The Almanack of the Month. July, 1846.

In 1862, Carter of Regent Street, London, published “Official Regulations on Female Dress during the International Exhibition of 1862.” This amusing skit was also got up in correct official style.

——:o:——

OFFICE RULES.

1. Gentlemen upon entering will Leave the door wide open, or apologise.

2. Those having No Business should remain as Long as Possible, take a chair, and Lean against the Wall; it will preserve the wall, and may prevent its fall upon us.

3. Gentlemen are requested to Smoke especially during Office Hours; Tobacco and Cigars will be supplied.

4. Talk Loud or Whistle, especially when we are engaged; if this has not the desired effect, Sing.

5. If we are in Business Conversation with anyone you are requested not to wait until we are done, but Join in, as we are particularly fond of speaking to half-a-dozen or more at a time.

6. Profane Language is expected at all times, especially if Ladies are present.

7. Put your feet on the tables, or lean against the Desk; it will be of great assistance to those who are writing.

8. Persons having no Business with this Office will call often or excuse themselves.

9. Should you need the loan of any Money do not fail to Ask for it, as we do not require it for Business Purposes, but merely for the sake of lending.

Our hours for listening to Solicitors for Benevolent Purposes are from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., Book Agents from 1 to 3 p.m., Beggars, Pedlers, and Insurance Agents all day. We attend to our Business at Night.

The Lord helpeth those that help themselves, but the Lord help any man caught helping himself here.

269

THE MENAGERIE.

(A Burlesque Lecture.)

“Hi! hi! hi! walk up, walk up, walk up! The only show in the fair, the largest and the best! The penny seats are all a penny, the ha’penny seats are four for tuppence! Ladies and gentlemen, we ’ave the most astounding collection of ’uman and animal fernomenons ever exhibited to the public of this or any other town! The pictures on the outside of the carawan ain’t nothink to the marvels to be seen alive within! Give the drum a one-er!

“Before a-inviting of you to enter, and taste the joys of Elysium to be ’ad at the small charge of one penny, I will exhibit to your astonished and admiring gaze a few pictorual illusterations of the wonders to be shortly disclosed to you. Give the drum a one-er!

“The first speciment I shall introduct to your notice is the Spotted Babe of Peru. The infant is so called from being born in the Ratcliffe ’Ighway! It was born at a very early age bein’ quite a child at the time. It had two parients, one male and one female. I should be deludin’ of you, ladies and gents, if I concealed from you the fack that its male parient was its father. The infant is covered all over with spots or specks. There ain’t nothink ketchin’ in the spots or specks. They wos caused by its grandfather ’avin swaller’d a box o’ dominoes in a fit of duleruam tremins. When tormented by the pangs of ’unger, the infant do not gnash ’is toothless gums and ’owl for grub like the ornary babe of commerce, but ’e climbs to the rooft of the carawan, where ’e barks like a dorg! ’Ence the term, ‘Peruvian Bark’! Give the drum a one-er!

“The next speciment I shall introduct to your notice is the O-rang-O-tang! The o-rang-o-tang ain’t a Irish beast, as ’is name might imply. ’E is a celebrated bird of the hinside of Central Africa. ’E do not live on cotton-wool and carster-hile, as is poplerly supposed! Oh, no, that there is a aspershin on the manner of the inseck! ’E climbs aloft to the giddy summat of the Halpine palm-tree, where ’e ’angs upsy-down by the roof of ’is mouth; ketches the prairie-hyster with ’is hyebrows; cracks it with ’is fore’ead; devours the lushus froot; and distriboots the shells among ’is noomerous orfspring! Give the drum a one-er!

The next objek of interest is the Bovis Kimmunis, or Commin Cow. The cow is the most dimmestercated of all wile animals. ’E is a oblong beast, in the form of a pork-mantew or fiddle-case on tressels! ’E ’ave a leg on each corner of ’im. ’Is ’ead is at one end of ’is body, and ’is tail is at the other end. The tail-end is oppersite the ’ead-end, onless the animil turns round, then the tail-end is on the ’ead-end! And this confuses the milkmaids! The cow is a useful beast. In our declinin’ days, when we expected every moment to be our nex, we ’ave been soothed and solaced by an excellent and newtrishis jelly prepared from ’is horns, ’is oofts, and ’is tail; or to quote the words of the advertisement, ‘it imparts a pearly lustre to the breath, a kinky curliness to the complexion, a floral flaviour to the eye; is a excellent substertute for a stummick-pump, carefully perpared from the reseat of a nobleum in the country, to imertate which is forgery.’

“I cannot quit the Bovis Kimmunis, or Commin Cow, without recalling to your recommemberlection the words of the well-known poet Cowper, which he says:

“Give the drum a one-er!

“The last speciment I shall ’ave the pleasure of introducting to your notice is the Cocclicus Indicus, or Prickly Pollywog of the Ipecacuanha Mountains, wot lives entirely on bottled bootjacks, currant jelly, turnip-tops, sarsaparilla, tenpenny nails, toasting-forks, corn-plaister, pot-lids, cabbage water, lemon-squeezers, black-beetle poison, cinder-sifters, soapsuds, silver sand, and postage stamps; until, one day, in a fit of tempory aboration of hinterlek, it swaller’d a sausage machine, two reams of emery paper, a box of matches, and fourteen seidlitz powders, and expired of spontaneous combustion and acute inflermation of the waistcoat pocket linings of the coats of ’is stummick. ’E then expired, and is to be seen alive within. Give the drum a one-er!”

Charles Collette.

On Farming.

(Lecture Written by Mark Twain when a Boy.)

Farming is healthy work; but no man can run a farm and wear his best clothes at the same time. Either the farming must cease while the new clothes continues, or the new clothes must cease while farming continues. This shows that farming is not so clean work as being a Congressman or schoolmaster, for these men can wear good clothes if they can find money to pay for them. Farmers get up early in the morning. They say the early bird catches the worm. If I was a bird, I had rather get up late and eat cherries in place of worms. Farmers don’t paint their waggons when they can help it, for they show mud too quick. The colour of their boots is red, and don’t look like other people’s boots, because they are twice as big. Farmers’ wives have a hard time cooking for hired men, and the hired men find fault with the farmers’ wives’ cooking. Why don’t farmers’ wives let the hired men do the cooking while they do the finding fault? Farmers don’t get as rich as bank presidents, but they get more exercise. Some ask—“Why don’t farmers run for Congress?” They run so much keeping boys out of their peach orchards and melon patches they don’t have any time to run after anything else. If Congress should run after farmers, one might be caught now and then. Lawyers can beat farmers at running for most anything. I know a farmer who tried to run a line fence according to his notion. The other man objected and hurt the farmer. The farmer hired a lawyer to run his line fence, and now the lawyer runs the farmer’s farm, and the farmer has stopped running anything.

——:o:——

Regulations in the United States Navy.

A Buffalo paper prints the following extracts from a manuscript treatise on naval discipline, prepared by the Secretary of the American Navy:—“The custom of sailing before the wind should be avoided, whenever it is possible, as experience has demonstrated that it is much better to wait for the breeze and carry it along, if not too heavy. Commanders of sailing ships-of-war, I have observed, are addicted to the practice of ‘staggering under all they can carry.’ This matter will receive early attention, as the necessity for reform in this direction would seem imperative. When dirty weather is threatened, or when there is reason to suspect breakers ahead, the captain should heave to, or three, but never more than four. In taking on board ammunition, and powder, and shot, and shells and caps, &c., the fore, main, and mizen trucks should be utilised, in connection with the animals belonging to the horse marines. It is deemed best to abolish dog-watches. The practice is believed to encourage idleness among the sailors, and necessitates the keeping on board a number of useless beasts whose presence must 270 be anything but desirable. In the interests of economy, the allowance for captains’ gigs should be withdrawn. It is plain that they are of no real utility on ship-board, and that they are at all times in the way. When on shore the captains can avail themselves of the street railway, or of the facilities afforded by the livery stables. All anchors should be accurately weighed before being taken on board, and the weight plainly marked on each, thereby saving time and trouble when a ship is about to take her departure. All ‘splicing’ should be done by the chaplain, as he is the person upon whom the performance of the ceremony most properly devolves. When sailing in tropical seas, the breeches of the guns should be removed and carefully stowed away, to be replaced when again entering colder latitudes and longitudes. The practice of carrying logs, merely for the purpose of ‘heaving’ them is of questionable propriety, and will form a subject for future enquiry.”

Admiralty Reforms.

The following appointments have recently been created at the Admiralty, to which salaries of £1000 a-year each are attached;

The Chief Obstructor.

The Complicator-General of Naval Accounts.

The Scrutineer of Dockyard Expenditure.

The Investigator of Expenses of Ships Building.

The Calculator of Profits by Ships broken up, or lost.

The Professional Criticizer of the Obstructor’s Vessels.

The Examiner and Inspector of Contractors and Inventors.

The Constructor-in-Chief of Revolving Turrets.

The Insinuator and Receiver of Contracts.

The Riveter and Contractor-General of Iron Plate.

The Admirer and Appraiser of Dockyard Work.

The Inventor and Circulator of Expensive Theories.

The Detector-General of Fraudulent Contracts.

The Director of Ingenious and Inexpensive Works.

The Imposter-General of Stores and Store accounts.

The Subverter of Official Forms and Precedents.

——:o:——

SLANG, CANT, AND FLASH.

As Slang is a species of parody of our mother tongue, and as many songs are written in it, it must be alluded to in this Collection, however briefly.

A few examples will be quoted, followed by a bibliography, including mention also of Dictionaries devoted to Satirical and Political slang.

Thieves slang, or “cant,” is of multifold origin, but is mainly derived from Romany or gipsy talk, with an admixture of Anglo-Saxon, Latin, and French words.

Rhyming and back-slang are two other forms of purely native manufacture, both arbitrary, and artificial in their construction.

By the former any word that rhymes with the one that is intended is substituted for it, and gradually becomes accepted. This method is somewhat complicated, and is, of course, almost unintelligible to the uninitiated, which is precisely why it is adopted by thieves and their associates.

Back-slang is largely patronised by costermongers. It consists in spelling backwards the principal words in a sentence, with more or less accuracy. Thus, “Hi, yob! kool that enif elrig with the nael ekom. Ssap her a top o’ reeb and a tib of occabot,” simply means “Hi boy! look at that fine girl with the lean moke. Pass her a pot of beer and a bit of tobacco.”

Although slang is principally indulged in by the lower orders and criminal classes, it must not be forgotten that many slang words have been adopted and incorporated into 271 our general language, to say nothing of Americanisms, which are also constantly being absorbed. Every profession, too, has its slang, or technical language, which is mainly unintelligible to the outside world. Thus Soldiers, Sailors, Engineers, Doctors, and Lawyers, have their own phraseology, but what is most objectionable is the Clerical slang. This imparts a fine full flavoured tone of hypocrisy to any ordinary conversation by dragging in “D.V.” references to the Deity, and the quotation of scraps of Holy writ in the most unnecessary profusion, and in the most unseemly contrast with trivial statements of every day life.

From “Pickwick Abroad; or, The Tour in France.” by G. W. M. Reynolds. (Chapter 26.)

(The following postscript seems to have been added when the Warder had passed.)

Note.—We subjoin a Glossary of Mr. Cracksman’s lingo:— [Transcriber's Note: See footnotes [86]-[101].]

Punch. January 31, 1857.

272

From The Individual. November 15, 1836. Cambridge. W. H. Smith.

Generalizations have been made from which it appears that certain localities have peculiar productive qualities in the manufacture of criminals, thus London for sharpers, Brummagem for thieves, Paris for fly men (window thieves) Sheffield for pilchers of snyde (coiners and utterers.)

As to the ultimate destinations of these gentlemen one of themselves has put the various establishments in verse, thus recounting their merits:—

Another equally good authority thus describes them:—