WALTER HAMILTON, (continued 16)

Q. What is the inward part, or thing signified?

A. The industry and wealth of the People, which are verily and indeed taken and had by Pensioners and Sinecurists, in their Corruption.

Q. What are the benefits whereof you are partakers thereby?

A. The weakening and impoverishing the People, through the loss of their Liberty and Property, while our wealth becomes enormous, and our pride intolerable.

Q. What is required of them who submit to the Test of Bribery and Corruption?

A. To examine themselves, whether they repent them truly of any signs of former honour and patriotism, stedfastly purposing henceforward to be faithful towards the Minister; to draw on and off like his glove, to crouch to him like a spaniel; to purvey for him like a jackall; to be as supple to him as Alderman Sir William Turtle; to have the most lively faith in the Funds, especially in the Sinking Fund; to believe the words of Lord Castlereagh alone; to have remembrance of nothing but what is in the Courier; to hate Matthew Wood, the present Lord Mayor, and his second Mayoralty; with all our heart, with all our mind, with all our soul, and with all our strength; to admire Sir John Silvester, the Recorder, and Mr. John Langley; and to be in charity with those only who have something to give.

[Here endeth the Catechism.]

The Political Litany.

¶ Here followeth the Litany, or General Supplication, to be said or sung at all times when thereunto especially moved.

O Prince, ruler of the people, have mercy upon us thy miserable subjects.

O Prince, ruler, &c.

O House of Lords, hereditary legislators, have mercy upon us, pension-paying subjects.

O House of Lords, &c.

O House of Commons, proceeding from corrupt borough-mongers, have mercy upon us, your should-be constituents.

O House of Commons, &c.

O gracious, noble, right honourable, and learned rulers of our land, three estates in one state, have mercy upon us, a poverty-stricken people.

O gracious, noble, &c.

Remember not, most gracious, most noble, right honourable, and honourable gentlemen, our past riches, nor the riches of our forefathers; neither continue to tax us according to our long-lost ability—spare us, good rulers; spare the people who have supported ye with their labour, and spilt their most precious blood in your quarrels; O consume us not utterly,

Spare us, good Prince.

From an unnational debt; from unmerited pensions and sinecure places; from an extravagant civil list; and from utter starvation,

Good Prince, deliver us.

From the blind imbecility of ministers; from the pride and vain-glory of warlike establishments in time of peace,

Good Prince, deliver us.

From all the deadly sins attendant on a corrupt method of election; from all the deceits of the pensioned hirelings of the press,

Good Prince, deliver us.

From taxes levied by distress; from jails crowded with debtors; from poor-houses overflowing with paupers,

Good Prince, deliver us.

From a Parliament chosen only by one-tenth of the taxpayers; from taxes raised to pay wholesale human butchers their subsidies; from the false doctrines, heresy, and schism, which have obscured our once-glorious constitution; from conspiracies against the liberty of the people; and from obstacles thrown in the way of the exertion of our natural and constitutional rights,

Good Prince, deliver us.

By your feelings as men; by your interests as members of civil society; by your duty as Christians,

O Rulers, deliver us.

By the deprivation of millions—by the sighs of the widow—by the tears of the orphan—by the groans of the aged in distress—by the wants of all classes in the community, except your own and your dependents,

O Rulers, deliver us.

In this time of tribulation—in this time of want of labour to thousands, and of unrequited labour to tens of thousands—in this time of sudden death from want of food,

O Rulers, deliver us.

We people do beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers; and that it may please ye to rule and govern us constitutionally in the right way;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to keep yourselves in all sobriety, temperance, and honesty of life—that ye spend not extravagantly the money raised from the production of our labours, nor take for yourselves that which ye need not;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

292 That it may please ye to keep your hearts in fear of oppression, and in love of justice; and that ye may evermore have affiance in our affection, rather than in the bayonets of an hired soldiery;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to be our defenders and keepers, giving us the victory over all our enemies, and redressing the grievances under which we labour;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to lessen the cares of the world unto all Bishops and Church Dignitaries; giving their superabundance to the poor clergy, and no longer taxing us for their support;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to place within the bounds of economy the expenditure of all the Royal Family;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to deprive the Lords of the Council, and all the nobility, of all money paid out of the taxes which they have not earned;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to direct all Magistrates to give up their advanced salaries, which the times no longer render necessary, and to content themselves with their former stipends;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to bless all the people with equal representation, and to keep them safe from borough-mongering factions;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye so to govern us, that unity, peace, and concord, may prevail throughout the nation, and the voice of tumult and dissatisfaction be no more heard in our streets;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to give unto all people all their rights as citizens, whatever may be the mode in which their consciences may impel them to worship their Creator, and whatever the creed to which their judgments assent;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to bring into the way of truth those apostates who have erred therefrom, and have deceived us;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to strengthen all such as do stand up for the legal and constitutional rights of the people; to comfort and help the weak-hearted, who want courage in our behalf; to raise up such as do fall; and, finally, to beat down corruption under our feet;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye not to tax “until the brow of labour sweats in vain;” but to succour and comfort all that are in necessity and tribulation;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to shew pity to all who are prisoners and captives for the people’s sake, or through the oppressive expenses of the laws;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to appropriate the 200,000l. annually paid to Members of Parliament, contrary to an ancient law, as a provision for fatherless children and widows, and all that are desolate and oppressed;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to have mercy upon us all;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to turn the hearts of our enemies, persecutors, and slanderers, by withdrawing their pensions and emoluments, that they may no longer call us a “rabble,” the “swinish multitude,” or “ragamuffins,” but may once more style us “the real strength of the nation,”—“the body, without which a head is useless;”

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to give and preserve to our use the kindly fruits of the earth, untaxed by men in black, whom those who wish for their instruction ought alone to support;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to abolish and destroy all sinecure places, and worthless pensions; to utterly purge and root out all wrong-doers; to thoroughly correct the present misrepresentation of the people, by an effectual Reform in Parliament; and otherwise to do, or cause to be done, such further and other acts and deeds, as shall or may conduce to the true interest and benefit of the whole commonwealth;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to lead and strengthen GEORGE Prince of Wales, our present REGENT, in the true fear and knowledge of the principles whereon the people of this commonwealth placed their crown on the head of his ancestors, and continue it towards him; and that it may please ye, as much as in ye lie, to keep and defend him from battle and murder, and sudden death, and from fornication, and all other deadly sin;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to put on short allowance all Bishops, Priests, and Deacons, that their fleshly appetites being reduced, their spiritual-mindedness may be thereby increased and so that both by their preaching and living they may set it forth, and show it accordingly;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

That it may please ye to take to yourselves true repentance, inasmuch as ye have erred from the way of your forefathers; and amend your method of governing according to our free constitution;

We beseech ye to hear us, O Rulers.

Son of George, we beseech thee to hear us.

Son of George, we beseech thee, &c.

O House of Lords, that takest away so many tens of thousands of pounds in pensions,

Have mercy upon us.

O House of Commons, that votest away the money of the whole nation, instead of that of those only who elect you;

Have mercy upon us.

O Prince, hear us.

O Prince, hear us.

George, have mercy upon us.

George, have mercy upon us.

O House of Lords, have mercy upon us.

O House of Lords, have mercy upon us.

O House of Commons, have mercy upon us.

O House of Commons, have mercy upon us.

[Here endeth the Litany.]

¶ THE COLLECT TO BE USED BY HIS MAJESTY’S MINISTERS

Beginneth thus:

Lighten our darkness, we beseech thee, &c.

¶ By whom the following may be used in ordinary.

The Grace of our Lord GEORGE the Prince Regent, and the Love of Louis the XVIII., and the fellowship of the Pope, be with us all evermore. Amen.

——:o:——

293 The Sinecurist’s Creed or Belief.

¶ Upon all suitable occasions may be sung or said the following CONFESSION—upstanding and uncovered.

Quicunque vult.

Whosoever will be a Sinecurist: before all things it is necessary that he hold a place of profit.

Which place except every Sinecurist do receive the salary for, and do no service: without doubt it is no Sinecure.

And a Sinecurist’s duty is this: that he divide with the Ministry and be with the Ministry in a Majority.

Neither confounding the Persons, nor dividing with the Opposition.

For there is One Ministry of Old Bags,[340] another of Derry Down Triangle:[341] and another of the Doctor.[342] But the Ministry of Old Bags, of Derry Down Triangle,[343] and of the Doctor, is all one: the folly equal, the profusion coeternal.

Such as Old Bags is, such is Derry Down Triangle: and such is the Doctor.

Old Bags a Mountebank, Derry Down Triangle a Mountebank: the Doctor a Mountebank.

Old Bags incomprehensible, Derry Down Triangle incomprehensible: the Doctor incomprehensible.

Old Bags a Humbug, Derry Down Triangle a Humbug: and the Doctor a Humbug.

And yet they are not three Humbugs: but one Humbug.

As also they are not three incomprehensibles, nor three Mountebanks: but one Mountebank, and one incomprehensible.

So likewise Old Bags is All-twattle,[344] Derry Down Triangle All-twattle: and the Doctor All-twattle.

And yet they are not three All-twattles: but one All-twattle.

So Old Bags is a Quack, Derry Down Triangle is a Quack: and the Doctor is a Quack.

And yet they are not three Quacks: but one Quack.

So likewise Old Bags is a Fool, Derry Down Triangle is a Fool: and the Doctor is a Fool.

And yet not three Fools: but one Fool.

For like as we are compelled by real verity to acknowledge every Minister by himself to be Quack and Fool;

So are we forbidden by state etiquette to say there be three Quacks, or three Fools.

Derry Down Triangle is made of none: neither born nor begotten.

Old Bags is of himself alone; a Lawyer bred, a Lord created, by the Father begotten.

The Doctor is of Old Bags, and of Derry Down Triangle: neither made, nor created, nor begotten, but proceeding.

So there is one Old Bags, not three Old Bags: one Derry Down Triangle, not three Triangles: one Doctor, not three Doctors.

And in this ministry none is afore or after the other: none is greater or less than another.

But the whole three Ministers are co-Charlatans together, and co-Tricksters.

So that, in all things, as is aforesaid: the Majority with the Ministry, and the Ministry in the Majority, is to be worshipped.

He therefore that will be a Sinecurist, must thus think of the Ministry.

Furthermore it is necessary to his Sinecure’s preservation: that he also believe rightly the mystification of Derry Down Triangle.

For the Sinecurist’s right faith is, that he believe and confess: that Derry Down Triangle, the queue of the Ministry of the great man now no more, is now both Minister and Manager.

Minister, first selling the substance of his own country to this: Manager scattering the substance of this over all the world;

Perfect Knave and perfect Fool: of unsparing despotic views—on overstrained taxation subsisting;

Equal to Old Bags as touching grave Trickery: and inferior to the Doctor as touching his Mummery.

Who although he be Knave and Fool, yet he is not two, but one Minister;

One; not by a conversion of the Charlatan into the Minister; but by shooting a more showy juggler, who wanted, and still wants, to be a Minister.

One altogether; squandering in profusion our substance: by votes of corrupt Majorities.

For as by power of Dupery, and our Money, he makes whom he will his own; so by Intrigue and Cajolery, he is Minister:—

Who to talk for our Salvation, descended to kiss the Nethermost End of Tally-high-ho; and rose again as a giant refreshed;

He ascended into a higher place, he sitteth at the right hand of the Chair; from whence he shall hear how those who being starved—‘by the Visitation of God’—became Dead.

At whose nodding all Sinecurists shall rise again, and again; and with their voices cry Aye! Aye! and the Laureate[345] in token of joy, shall mournfully chaunt the most doleful Lay in his Works.

And they that have said Aye! Aye! shall go into place everlasting; and they that have said No! shall go into everlasting Minorities.

And Coleridge shall have a Jew’s Harp, and a Rabbinical Talmud, and a Roman Missal: and Wordsworth shall have a Psalter, and a Primer, and a Reading Easy; and unto Southey’s pension Sack-but shall be duly added: and with Harp, Sack-but, and Psaltery, they shall make merry, and discover themselves before Derry Down Triangle, and Hum his most gracious Master, whose Kingdom shall have no end.

This is the Sinecurist’s duty, from doing more than which, except he abstain faithfully, he cannot be a Sinecurist.

¶ Glory be to old Bags, and to Derry Down Triangle, and to the Doctor.

As it was in the Beginning, is now, and ever shall be, if such things be, without end. Amen.

[Here endeth the Creed or Belief.]

Hone was then a poor, friendless man, whom the Government meant to crush by fine and imprisonment in case of conviction. But his triumphant acquittal on each of the three trials had effects exactly opposite to those they anticipated. The legality of his publications being fully established, and public curiosity being aroused, large numbers of the tracts were sold; Hone, instead of being ruined, found himself the hero of the day, with public sympathy in his favour, and a rapidly increasing business. The popular 294 Alderman, Robert Waithman, M.P. for London, interested himself in the case, and presided over a public meeting at which the following resolutions were passed:—

At a MEETING of the FRIENDS of the LIBERTY of the PRESS and TRIAL by JURY, held at the City of London Tavern, on Monday, December 29, 1817,

Mr. WAITHMAN in the Chair,

Resolved unanimously,

1. That the Liberty of the Press is one of the dearest rights and proudest distinctions of Englishmen, and is inseparably connected with, and wholly dependent on the purity of the Trial by Jury.

2. That the inestimable importance of the sacred and constitutional right of Trial by Jury has never been more demonstratively proved than by the recent prosecutions and honourable acquittals of Mr. William Hone.

3. That Parodies on Scripture having been written and published by Martin Luther, the Father of the Reformation, by Dignitaries of the Church, and by other eminent and learned personages down to the present time, we are persuaded that the exception taken to the parodies of Mr. Hone by the present Ministers of the Crown was to answer political purposes against the Liberty of the Press.

4. That a hypocritical prostitution of Religion, and a pretended zeal for its defence, when used by corrupt Statesmen as a mask for political persecution, must ever be held by all sincere Christians as the worst profanation of its sacred name.

5. That it is evident, from the manner in which those prosecutions were commenced and conducted, that the real object of Ministers was not to protect Religion, but to crush an apparently defenceless individual who had exposed their political delinquencies, to stifle public discussion, to destroy the Liberty of the Press, and to uphold existing abuse.

6. That the extensive knowledge, the varied talents, the manly intrepidity, the energy of mind, and the unshaken perseverance, which enabled Mr. Willian Hone so dauntlessly to resist the reiterated assaults of Ministerial persecution, entitle him to the gratitude and support of every friend to constitutional freedom.

7. That a subscription be now opened, and that the money which may be subscribed be placed in the hands of a Committee, to be used in such way as shall appear to them best calculated to promote the permanent welfare of Mr. Hone and his family.

8. That the following Gentlemen be of the Committee—Alderman Goodbehere, Alderman Thorp, Robert Waithman, Joseph Hurcombe, William Sturch, Samuel Brooks, William Williams, William Teasdale.

9. That Robert Waithman, Esq., be the Treasurer.

10. That the Thanks of this Meeting are due to Sir Francis Burdett, Bart., for his spontaneous offers of cooperation with the Gentlemen originating the Subscription, in strict conformity with a life of pure patriotism and love of country.

11. That the Thanks of this Meeting are hereby cordially given to Mr. Charles Pearson, for his manly and successful struggle in correcting the corrupt system of packing Juries, which has contributed so essentially toward the present triumph; and especially for the gratuitous advice and assistance given to Mr. Hone throughout the whole of the prosecutions, affording a rare example to his profession of zeal, independance, and disinterestedness.

12. That the Thanks of this Meeting be given to Lord Cochrane, for his zealous endeavours on the present occasion.

ROBERT WAITHMAN, Chairman.

13. That the Thanks of this Meeting be given to Mr. Waithman, for his conduct in the Chair, and for his exertions upon all occasions to support the cause of liberty.

W. STURCH.

This satire was first acted in the year 1600, by the children of Queen Elizabeth’s Chapel, with permission of the master of the revels, the passage above quoted is one of the earliest imitations of the Church of England services, as by Law established.

——:o:——

The following examples are taken from “The Rump; or, an exact Collection of the Choycest Poems and Songs relating to the Late Times. By the most Eminent Wits, from Anno 1639 to Anno 1661.” London, 1662.

295 These poems were all written by the Cavaliers in support of Arbitrary power in Church and State, and against the Commonwealthmen, Puritans, and Dissenters:

In the same collection there are several other imitations of less interest, one commences thus:

Another thus:

And two others, the refrain of one being:

and of the other:

——:o:——

The following is taken from the “Collection of the newest and most ingenious Poems, &c. against Popery,” in quarto, published soon after the Revolution, it refers to the birth of the son of James II., afterwards styled the Pretender.

There was one in the second part of the same Collection beginning—

The Nobleman’s Litany.

O Aristocracy! Government divine!! have mercy upon us miserable place-men.

O Aristocracy, Government divine, &c.

Stars, Garters, and Promotions, proceeding from Aristocracy, and power, have mercy upon us miserable place-men.

Stars, Garters, and Promotions, &c.

Remember not our offences, nor the offences of our forefathers when in office,—neither take from us our places or our pensions. Spare us, Aristocracy—spare the creatures though hast raised, and be not angry with thy servants.

Aristocracy, spare us!

From all Democracy, and new-fangled doctrines,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

From fish-women, mobs, and lamp posts,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

From national assemblies, national guards, and national cockades,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

From people who judge for themselves, and pretend to the rights of man,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

From Tom Paine’s rabble and inflammatory pamphlets,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

From the insertion of paragraphs foreign to thy laws, and the liberty of the Press in general,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

From all revolution meetings, and Ca Ira clubs,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

From all investigations and reforms,

Aristocracy, deliver us!

We place-men do beseech thee to hear us, O Aristocracy, and that it may please thee to govern the Church in thine own way.

Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.

That it may please thee to illuminate the head of our governor, and make it rich in understanding,

Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.

That it may please thee to bless and preserve the governor’s wife, and keep her from all uncharitableness.

Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.

That it may please thee to shower down fat livings on all righteous pastors of the Church, so that they may enjoy every luxury, and by their preaching and living shew it accordingly.

Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.

That it may please thee to preserve for our use, the kindly fruits of the earth, and all the game thereof, so that no other may enjoy them.

Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.

That it may please thee to protect such as are in power, both in Church and State; to raise up them that fall; and finally, to beat down farmers, curates, and shopkeepers, beneath our feet,

Aristocracy, we beseech thee to hear us.

A Dish of Facts and Scraps.

Friends and fellow-countrymen, no matter where you come from, or whether your mugs be black, white, or whitey brown, you are called upon this day to assemble and meet together to show your sympathy with suffering France, and although we ought at all times to love our neighbours as ourselves, yet it becomes us to look at home and take care of number one.

Now the well-known sufferings of the children of France have called forth the indignation of the Republicans of England, and they held meetings with the view of showing their sympathy for them.

And Nappy the Little was enjoying himself in the green fields of Kent, and the Prussian Bully laughed in his sleeve, saying “I will now let them alone, and they will be like unto the Kilkenny cats, they will fight on till there is nothing left but their precious tails.”

But the patriots of St. James’s Hall shouted, “Long live the Republic!” and Georgy (Odger), the man of wax responded, Amen!

Now about the same time the people of England were at loggerheads with the shovel-hatted gentry that infest the upper house of St. Stephen’s, inasmuch as they had rejected measures in spite of the people; and they said, it is not only illegal, but it is naughty for a man to marry the sister of a wife that is dead, excepting when it is to suit the coronetted gentry, and then it is quite a horse of another colour.

But the people communed together, saying, swallow the bill you must, or we will bring in a bill for a man to marry his grandmother, or off come your hats and silk aprons, and we will pack you away to the salt lake to dwell amongst the Mormons.

And Bruce, of cab flag notoriety, is doing his best to stop a man’s beer, by trying to close the houses for the sale of double stout. But he must mind his eye, or he will put his foot in it, and his licensing dodge will share the same fate as his never-to-be-forgotten cab act.

And the people said, who is he that interfereth with the liberties of the working men. Better for him that he had a millstone around his neck, and took a cold bath in the Serpentine.

And while these things were going on, Gladstone still slumbered, showing that he is like a barber’s block, neither use nor ornament.

Now behold, since the happy event of the wedding of the lucky Scotchman with our charming little lady Louise, the call for royal burgoo has been so great, that Scotch oatmeal has risen 50 per cent.

LET US SAY.

From all red hot babblers, who would cause us to burn our fingers. Common sense defend us!

Friends of peace and order save us!

From the tender mercies of such pious Kings as the Prussian Bully, Minister of war spare us.

Spare us, we implore thee.

And oh, ye silk aproned gentry, play not too much with the rights of Englishmen, or you will be swept from the floor of St. Stephen’s, and be compelled to earn an honest living.

And O most noble Secretary for Home affairs, we beg of you to throw up your present berth and turn teetotal spouter, for which you are more fit, and not try to rob a poor man of his beer by your new licencing dodge.

Spare us our beer, we beseech thee.

And Odger, stop up the mouths of our numerous oppressors with your lapstone of defiance, and spur up their shallow minds with your closing awl of reason, and remain for ever the true brick you always have been.

And O, Billy Gladstone, return to your duty as you promised the Electors of Greenwich and the whole of the working classes, or prepare to be sent to the imbecile ward of the nearest union.

And now may a hot joint and a pot of home brewed grace the tables of all who need it, and all our enemies be vaccinated by Old Nick on both shoulders.

So be it.

April, 1871.

The Book-Lover’s Litany.

From set spoilers and book borrowers, and from such as read in bed,

Kind Fate protect us.

From plate sneaks, portrait flickers, map tearers and from book thieves,

Kind Fate protect us.

From such as read with unwashed hands; from careless sneezers, snuff takers, and rheum voiders; from tobacco-ash droppers, grease slingers, and moth smashers; from leaf pressers and all unclean beasts,

Kind Fate protect us.

From margin slashers, letter-press clippers and page misplacers; from half-title wasters, original-cover losers, and lettering mis-spellers; from gilt daubers and all the tribe of botcher-binders,

Kind Fate protect us.

From heat and damp; from fire and mildew; from bookworms, flies and moths,

Kind Fate protect us.

From careless servants and removal fiends, and from all thoughtless women and children,

Kind Fate protect us.

From book-droppers and book wrenchers; from ink and pencil markers and scribblers; and from such as write their names on title-pages,

Kind Fate protect us.

From selling books by auction; from disposing of them by private sale and from all grave disasters,

Kind Fate protect us.

From truth economizing cataloguers; from two price booksellers; and from all disingenuous dealers,

Kind Fate protect us.

From “Bowdlerized” editions; from expurgators and all putters forth of incomplete editions,

Kind Fate protect us.

298 From all smatterers and pretenders; from all shallow and impertinent store assistants,

Kind Fate protect us.

From “appliance” lunatics, and library faddists; from “fonetic” cranks, and all that have shingles loose,

Kind Fate protect us.

From bibliotaphers and lock and key curmudgeons; and from all glass door bookcases,

Kind Fate protect us.

From wood pulp paper, and all chemical abominations; and from those that manufacture faint ink,

Kind Fate protect us.

From undated books, re-hashed engravings, and gaudy bindings; and from all “jerry” book-binders,

Kind Fate protect us.

From books that have no index, and from index makers in general,

Kind Fate protect us.

From all booksellers who are ignorant and pig-headed, and from them that do not advertise,

Kind Fate protect us.

H. L.

The Bookmart. January, 1887.

“A Sturdy Beggars Litany to the Colossus of the Sun, or the City of London’s intended Petition to the late Prime Minister.” Being an accurate description of his last twenty years administration.

Printed by Hugo de Burgo, for the Company of Flying Stationers. (A Broadside sheet not dated.)

This referred to Horace Walpole, Don Carlos, the Queen of Spain, Vernon’s Sea Victory and Lord Scrope.

In the Protestant Tutor for Youth is “A New Litany” in rudely vigorous triplets. The twentieth runs:—

There is also a parody of the Litany in Political Ballads, edited by W. Walker Wilkins. 2 Vols., 1860, and another, dated 1856, in a pamphlet on Capital Punishment addressed to Sir G. C. Lewis, by Arthur Trevelyan J. P., with “A Litany for the Gallows.” London, 1856.

The following are imitations of what is “commonly called”

THE CREED OF SAINT ATHANASIUS.

The first is taken from an old Collection of poems, called “The Foundling Hospital for Wit”:—

Proper Rules and Instructions, Without which no Person can be an Exciseman.

Quicunque vult.

Whosoever would be an Exciseman, before all things it is necessary that he learns the Art of Arithmetic.

Which Art, unless he wholly understand, he without doubt can be no Exciseman.

Now the Art of Arithmetic is this, we know how to multiply and how to divide. Desunt pauca.

The 1 is a figure, the 2 a figure, and the 3 a figure.

The 1 is a number, the 2 a number, and the 3 a number; and yet there are Desunt plurima.

For like as we are compelled by the Rules of Arithmetic, to acknowledge every figure by itself to have signification and form:

So we are forbidden, by the rules of right reason, to say, that each of them have three significations or three powers.

The 2 is of the 1’s alone, not abstracted, nor depending, but produced.

The 3 is of the 1 and 2, not abstracted, nor depending,, nor produced, but derived. So there is one figure of 1. Desunt nonnulla.

He therefore that will be an Exciseman, must thus understand his figures.

Furthermore, it is necessary to the preservation of his place, that he also believe rightly the authority of his Supervisor.

For his interest is, that he believes and confesses that his Supervisor, the servant of the Commissioners, is master and man: Master of the Exciseman, having power from the Commissioners to inspect his books: and man to the Commissioners, being obliged to return his accounts.

Perfect master and perfect man, of an unconscionable soul and frail flesh subsisting; equal to the Commissioners, as touching that respect which is shown him by the Excisemen, and inferior to the Commissioners as touching their profit and salary.

Who, although he be master and man, is not two, but one Supervisor.

One, not by confusion of place, but by virtue of his authority; for his seal and sign manual perfect his commission; his gauging the vessels, and inspecting the Excisemens’ books, is what makes him Supervisor.

Who travels through thick and thin, and suffers most from heat or cold, to save us from the addition of taxes, or the deficiency in the funds, by corruption or inadvertency.

Who thrice in seven days goes his rounds, and once in six weeks meets the Collectors, who shall come to judge between the Exciseman and Victualler.

At whose coming all Excisemen shall bring in their accounts, and the Victuallers their money.

And they that have done well by prompt payment, shall be well treated.

And those that have done ill, by being tardy in their payment, shall be cast into jail; and the Excisemen whose books are blotted, or accounts unjustifiable, shall be turned out of their places.

These are the rules, which except a man follows, he cannot be an Exciseman.

Honour to the Commissioners, fatigue to the Supervisor, and bribery to the Exciseman.

As it was from the beginning, when taxes were first laid upon Malt, is now, and ever will be till the debts of the nation are paid. Amen.

The Matrimonial Creed.

To be used in all dwelling houses.

Whoever will be married, before all things it is necessary that he hold the conjugal faith, which is this, That there were two rational beings created, both equal, and yet one superior to the other; and the inferior shall bear rule over the superior; which faith, except every one do keep whole and undefiled, without doubt he shall be scolded at everlastingly.

The man is superior to the woman, and the woman is inferior to the man; yet both are equal, and the woman shall govern the man.

The woman is commanded to obey the man, and the man ought to obey the woman.

299 And yet, they are not two obedients, but one obedient.

For there is one dominion nominal of the husband, and another dominion real of the wife.

And yet, there are not two dominions, but one dominion.

For like as we are compelled by the Christian verity to acknowledge that wives must submit themselves to their husbands, and be subject to them in all things;

So are we forbidden by the Conjugal Faith to say, that they should be at all influenced by their wills or pay any regard to their commands.

The man was not created for the woman, but the woman for the man.

Yet the man shall be the slave of the woman, and the woman the tyrant of the man.

So that in all things, as is aforesaid, the subjection of the superior to the inferior is to be believed.

He, therefore, that will be married, must thus think of the woman and the man.

Furthermore, it is necessary to submissive Matrimony, that he also believe rightly the infallibility of the wife.

For the right faith is, that we believe and confess, that the wife is fallible and infallible.

Perfectly fallible, and perfectly infallible; of an erring soul and unerring mind subsisting; fallible as touching her human nature, and infallible as touching her female sex.

Who, although she be fallible and infallible, yet she is not two, but one woman; who submitted to lawful marriage, to acquire unlawful dominion; and promised religiously to obey, that she might rule in injustice and folly.

This is the Conjugal Faith; which except a man believe faithfully, he cannot enter the comfortable state of Matrimony.

From The Wonderful Magazine.

A New Political Creed.

FOR THE YEAR MDCCLXVI.

Quicunque vult.

Whoever will be saved: before all things it is necessary that he should hold the Chatham faith.

Which faith, except every man keep whole and undefiled without doubt he shall sink into oblivion.

And the Chatham faith is this: that we worship one Minister in Trinity, and the Trinity in Unity:

Neither confounding the persons, nor dividing the substance.

For the Privy Seal is a Minister, the Secretary is a Minister, and the Treasurer is a Minister.

Yet there are not three Ministers, but one Minister; for the Privy Seal, the Secretary, and the Treasurer are all one.

Such as the Privy Seal is, such is the Secretary, and such is the Treasurer.

The Privy Seal is self-create, the Secretary is self-create, and the Treasurer is self-create.

The Privy Seal is incomprehensible, the Secretary is incomprehensible, and the Treasurer is incomprehensible.

The Privy Seal is unresponsible, the Secretary is unresponsible, and the Treasurer is unresponsible.

And yet there are not three incomprehensibles, three self-created, or three unresponsibles: but one incomprehensible, one self-create, and one unresponsible.

For like as we are compelled by the Christian verity, to acknowledge every person by himself to be God and Lord;

So are we forbidden by the articles of the Chatham alliance, to say there are three Ministers:

So that in all things, the Unity in Trinity, and Trinity in Unity, are to be worshipped; and he who would be saved, must thus think of the Ministry.

Furthermore it is necessary to elevation, that he also believe rightly of the qualities of our Minister.

For the right faith is, that we believe and confess, that this son of man is something more than man; as total perfection, though of an unreasonable soul, and gouty flesh consisting.

Who suffered for our salvation, descended into opposition, rose again the third time, and ascended into the House of Peers.

He sitteth on the right hand of the ——, from whence he shall come to judge the good and the bad.

And they that have done good, shall go into patent places, and they that have done bad, shall go into everlasting opposition.

This is the Chatham faith; which except a man believe faithfully, he cannot be promoted.

As he was in the beginning, he is now, and ever will be.

Then all the people, standing up, shall say,

O blessed and glorious Trinity, three persons and one Minister, have mercy on us miserable subjects.

This parody was written against Lord Chatham. It was published in The New Foundling Hospital for Wit. 1786.

The following imitation was written by the Rev. Mr. Toplady, a very popular preacher amongst the Calvinists, who died greatly lamented, at a very early age. Mr. Toplady’s object was to ridicule Lord Chesterfield’s Letters, and the morals therein inculcated It was entitled—

“Christianity Reversed, &c.; or Lord Chesterfield’s New Creed.

“I believe, that this world is the object of my hopes and morals; and that the little prettinesses of life will answer all the ends of human existence.

“I believe, that we are to succeed in all things, by the graces of civility and attention; that there is no sin, but against good manners; and that all religion and virtue consist in outward appearance.

“I believe, that all women are children, and all men fools; except a few cunning people, who see through the rest, and make their use of them.

“I believe, that hypocrisy and adultery, are within the lines of morality; that a woman may be honourable when she has lost her honour, and virtuous when she has lost her virtue.

“This, and whatever else is necessary to obtain my own ends, and bring me into repute, I resolve to follow; and to avoid all moral offences, such as scratching my head before company, spitting upon the floor, and omitting to pick up a lady’s fan And in this persuasion I will persevere, without any regard to the resurrection of the body, or the life everlasting. Amen.

“Q. Wilt thou be initiated into these principles?

“A. That is my inclination.

“Q. Wilt thou keep up to the rules of the Chesterfield morality?

“A. I will, Lord Chesterfield being my admonisher. 300

“Then the officiator shall say,

“Name this child.

“A. A Fine Gentleman.

“Then he shall say,

“I introduce thee to the world, the flesh and the devil, that thou mayest triumph over all awkwardness, and grow up in all politeness; that thou mayest be acceptable to the ladies, celebrated for refined breeding, able to speak French and read Italian, invested with some public supernumerary character in a foreign Court, get into Parliament (perhaps into the Privy Council), and that, when thou art dead, the letters written to thy children, may be published, in seven editions, for the instruction of all sober families.

“Ye are to take care that this child, when he is of a proper age, be brought to Court, to be confirmed.”

The Creed of St. Athanasius.

Quicunque Vult.—(Shanghai Version.)

I. Whosoever will gain his cause, before all things it is necessary, that he understand the working of the Supreme Court.

II. Which if a man do not understand, without doubt he shall lose his dollars everlastingly.

III. And the condition of the Supreme Court is this, That there be one Judge, one assistant Judge, and one Law Secretary.

IV. The parties to a suit confound the persons, and the Court divideth the substance.

V. The Judge is incomprehensible, the Assistant Judge is more incomprehensible, and the Law Secretary most incomprehensible.

VI. And yet the decision of the Judge is not the decision of the Assistant Judge, and the decision of the Assistant Judge is not the decision of the Law Secretary.

VII. For like as we are compelled by the law of libel to say, the Judge is incorruptible, the Assistant Judge is incorruptible, and the Law Secretary is incorruptible.

VIII. So are we forbidden by the law of common sense to say, the Judge is infallible, the Assistant Judge is infallible, and the Law Secretary is infallible.

IX. And the doctrine of the Judge is this—That he was appointed for the sins of the people, and the hardness of heart of the Consuls.

X. The doctrine of the Assistant Judge is this: Equal to the Judge as touching the sign manual, but inferior to the Judge as touching beetle hunting.

XI. The doctrine of the Law Secretary is this—That he was neither made, created, nor appointed, but proceeding.

XII. Confusion to the Judge, and to the Assistant Judge, and to the Law Secretary.

XIII. As it was in the Levant, so shall it be in China, and (if they can find them) in Worlds without end.

——:o:——

The Popular Creed.

An American Socialist has written the following as an expression of the real belief of the middle classes of the present day:—

“I believe in Capital, Father Almighty, maker of weal and woe, and of all things visible and invisible. And in one power, Usury and Increase, the only begotten Son of Capital, begotten of the Father before all dues. Money of money, wealth of wealth, very cash of very cash, begotten, not made, being of one substance with capital, and whereby all things are made; which for us men and for our perdition came forth from the bottomless; and was invented by ‘auri sacra fames,’ and incarnate of the virgin money, and was made gold, stamped, and established also for our fleecing under all governments. It is conjured with and buried and made to rise again, according to the bank books.

“And I believe in ‘auri sacra fames,’ the Lord and Giver of Business, which proceedeth from Capital and Interest, which with the Father and Son together are worshipped and glorified; which spake by the economists. And I believe in one all-gathering and illimitable Thrift. I acknowledge one and every dodge for the fleecing of the poor, and I look for the Kingdom of Iniquity and eternal plunder to come.—Amen.”

——:o:——

The Gladstonian Creed.

Whosoever will be elected, before all things it is necessary that he hold the Gladstonian faith.

Which Faith, except every one do keep whole and undefiled, without doubt he shall perish politically.

And the Gladstonian faith is this, that we worship one Gladstone in Government and Government in Gladstone.

Neither confounding his person nor divining his meaning.

For there is one person in Gladstone, another in his Son, and not another near the post.

And yet not Two Gladstones, but One Gladstone.

One Bill holds the Field, not Another in the Field, so the rest nowhere.

One Gladstone Incomprehensible, One William Incomprehensible, and One Bill Incomprehensible.

And yet there are not Three Bills, but One Bill;

As also there are not Three Premiers, nor Three Incomprehensibles, but One Premier Incomprehensible.

Who begets invisible principle and policy of Himself, the only unimpeachable authority.

For like as we are compelled by the Gladstonian Faith to acknowledge all his policy to be great, good and gracious,

So we are forbidden by the Gladstonian Religion to say there be Queen, Cabinet, Lords or Commons;

And in this faith One is Afore and never after Another; One is Greater never less than another.

So that in all things as aforesaid, Verbosity against Unity—Surrender to Malignity—is to be worshipped.

Furthermore it is necessary for proper Qualification that he also believe rightly the mystification of the Grand Old Man.

For the right faith is that we believe and confess that the People’s William does good for mankind;

That he is perfect Genius and perfect Man and yet a reasonable Soul on Destructive Acts subsisting;

Equal to no one in Love of Office, and inferior to none in Design to retain it.

For as this reasonable Soul is Flesh and Blood, so Flesh and Blood cannot understand this reasonable Soul.

Who will permit any to suffer for his Salvation, and who hopes to rise again with his Bills from the Dead;

And whosoever follows shall enter as a Gladstonian politician, and he that does not may sink into political oblivion.

This is the Gladstonian faith, which except a man believe faithfully he cannot be elected.

June, 1886.

301

——:o:——

Although The Pious Editor’s Creed in “The Biglow Papers” cannot be styled a parody, it is exquisitely humorous, but much too long to give in full:—

——:o:——

In the works of the Right. Hon. Sir Charles Hanbury Williams there occurs a parody entitled—

The Lessons for the Day, 1742.

The First Lesson.

¶ Here beginneth the First Chapter of the Book of Preferment.

Now it came to pass in the 15th year of the reign of George the King, in the 2nd month, on the 10th day of the month at Even, that a deep sleep came upon me, the visions of the night possessed my spirit, I dreamed, and behold Robert[346] the minister came in unto the King, and besought him, saying:

O King, live for ever! let thy throne be established from generation to generation! but behold now the power which thou gavest unto thy servant is at an end, the Peterborough election is lost, and the enemies of thy servant triumph over him.

Wherefore now I pray thee, if I have found favour in thy sight, suffer thy servant to depart in peace, that my soul may bless thee.

And when he had spoken these words, he resigned unto the King his place as First Lord of the Treasury, his Chancellorship of the Exchequer, and all his other preferments.

* * * * *

This parody concludes with the following:—

Old England’s Te Deum to George the Third.

We complain of Thee, O King, we acknowledge Thee to be an Hanoverian.

All Hungary doth Worship Thee, the Captain everlasting.

To Thee all Placemen cry aloud, the House of Lords and all the Courtiers therein.

To Thee, Carteret and Bath continually do cry,

Warlike, Warlike, Warlike, Captain General of the Armies! Brunswick and Lunenburgh are full of the brightness of our coin.

The venal Company of Peers praise Thee.

The goodly fellowship of Ministers praise Thee.

The noble Army of Hanoverians praise Thee.

The Holy Bench of Bishops throughout the land doth acknowledge Thee.

Thine honourable, true, and steady Son.

Also my Lady Yarmouth the comforter.

Thou art a glorious Prince, O King!

Thou art the ever charming Son of the Father.

When thou tookest upon Thee to deliver this nation, Thou didst not abhor thy Father’s example.

When Thou hadst overcome the sharpness of want, Thou didst open the smiles of thy favour to all believers in a court.

Thou sittest at the right hand of —— in the Treasury of the Father.

We believe that Thou shalt come to be our scourge.

We therefore pray Thee provide for thy servants, whom Thou hast fed with thy renown. Make them to be numbered with thy slaves in livery everlasting.

O King, spare thy people of England.

And now squeeze thy people of Hanover.

Govern them as Thou hast governed us,

And confine them to their turnips for ever.

Day by day we sing ballads unto Thee.

And we bawl against Hanover, ever world without end.

Vouchsafe, O King, to keep us this year without thy Hanoverians.

The Lord have mercy upon us; the Lord have mercy upon us.

31 O King, let thy Mercy lighten our Taxes, as our Credit should be in Thee.

O King in Thee have I trusted, let me not be confounded.

Valour be to the Father, common sense to the Son, and a young bed-fellow to the Countess of Yarmouth; as was not in the beginning, is not now, nor is ever like to be, world without end. Amen!

There is another parody of the Te Deum in Robert Southey’s Omniana (vol. 2. p. 41.) entitled Te Franciscum, and dated 1733, but it is of little interest.

Catechism for the Meridian of the Exchange.

Q. What is your name?

A. A Freeman.

Q. Who gave you this name?

A. The Candidates for a seat in the House of Commons.

Q. Wherein does your Freedom consist?

A. First. In having the liberty to eat, drink, and revel in debauchery, from the commencement of the canvass to the close of the poll, let that time be what it may;—and all that on free cost.

Secondly. In giving my vote to that Candidate or his friends, whom I shall conceive the most likely to serve my own private interest, without any regard to the comparative merits of the Candidates, or the welfare and prosperity of this Town and Kingdom.

Q. What sort of morality do you call this?

A. This I call political morality; and it is this morality which has the greatest influence on the conduct of very many electors.

Q. Are there no electors who vote on other principles?

A. Yes: there are some who think, judge, and compare before they promise; and then give their suffrage, so that their hearts may not reproach them, for a violation of those principles of morality, which ought to regulate the conduct of every man, especially if he professes to be a Christian.

Q. Is this promise binding, which has been obtained on a false statement of facts?

A. All Casuists say No; especially if it be to the injury of a third person.

N.B. Freemen, it must be well-known to you, that Henry Brougham and Thomas Creevey are the Friends of Trade, Peace and Plenty, and have neither Place nor Pension; when it is equally notorious that George Canning and Isaac Gascoyne are the Friends of War, Taxes, and Famine, and are now living on the Spoils of their Country.

From An impartial Collection of Addresses, Songs, Squibs, &c., published during the Liverpool Election, October 1812.

The Candidates were the Rt. Hon. George Canning; Lt.-Gen. Isaac Gascoigne; Henry Brougham; Thomas Creevey; and Gen. B. Tarlton. (Messrs. G. Canning and Gascoigne, both Tories, were elected.)

The Income-Tax Catechism.

Q. Why is the Income and Property-Tax so called?

A. Because it is a tax on the mere Income of some people, and on the whole Property of others.

Q. Of whom is it a tax on the Income only?

A. It is a tax on the Income only, and on no more than the Income, of those whose Income consists of rent, or of the interest of Property.

Q. Of whom is it a tax on the entire Property?

A. It is a tax on the entire Property of those whose Income consists of earnings, and who have no other Property than their Income.

Q. So it is called an Income-Tax when it is a tax on Income arising from Property, and a Property-Tax when it is a tax on Income not arising from Property?

A. Yes.

Q. If persons whose Income consists merely of earnings were taxed in the same proportion as those whose Incomes consist of dividends or of rents, how much Income-Tax would they have to pay?

A. At the utmost, sixteen pence in the pound on the interest of their yearly incomes at 3 per cent. For instance, a man earning £500 a year would have to pay 20s.

Q. Would this be an equitable adjustment of the Income-Tax?

A. Not quite; because earnings are mostly precarious.

Q. How does the Income-Tax affect persons of precarious income?

A. It deprives them of the money which they ought to save as a provision against a season of loss of employment, or against old age.

Q. Where do those people go who are incapacitated by the Income-Tax from making a provision for loss of employment, or for old age?

A. To the workhouse.

Punch, December 13, 1856.

A Rabble Catechism for M.P.’S.

Respectfully Dedicated to Major Beresford, M.P., for North Essex; Ex-Tory Whipper-in, Secretary-at-War in 1852; with every possible etcetera.

Q. What is a rabble?

A. Rabble is a congregation of creatures that hiss and hoot.

Q. Biped or quadruped?

A. I believe, biped.

Q. Of what are they ordinarily composed?

A. Mud, tempered with ditch-water. Sometimes they are made of road-scrapings; they are sometimes found of pure clay.

Q. What is your duty towards the rabble?

A. My duty towards the rabble is, from the very bottom of my heart (wherever that may be) to loathe, detest, hate, and abhor them.

Q. As everything has its place in the condition of the world, what—in your opinion—in the scale of creation, is the proper place of the rabble? Take, for instance, an individual. One of the rabble?

A. I believe that one of the rabble is a—yes—a sort of link between an ape and a contented labourer. I have, I think, read of apes that chop sticks and draw water, and walk upright on two legs; I have no doubt that moral anatomy would establish the analogy. No doubt of it. Yes; one of the rabble is a link between an ape and a labourer—a contented labourer.

Q. Has the rabble any voice?

A. Certainly not: it is the want of voice that is the rabble’s distinguishing want.

Q. But supposing that the rabble could, by Act of Parliament, for instance, obtain voices—they would then be rabble no longer?

A. Certainly not.

Q. The rabble, having no articulate voices, you conceive it to be your bounden duty to hate, and, from the bottom of your heart despise them?

A. I do.

31 Q. But, having obtained voices, the rabble would then be to you—

A. Every one of them a man and a brother; that is—at Election times. Yes; from the bottom of my heart, a man and a brother.

A Rabble Catechism for the Rabble.

Q. What are you?

A. One o’ the rabble

Q. What makes you of the rabble?

A. Nothin’ makes me; got nothin’; that’s why nothin’ does it.

Q. What is your place in the world?

A. Got no place by rights; only what the gentlefolks is so kind—heaven bless ’em—is so kind to grant me.

Q. What are your duties in life?

A. My duties is to pay duties on ’bacca, and on whatsomever there may be put upon—tea and beer and so forth—and ax no questions.

Q. Have you any voice at elections?

A. Yes: when I hollars.

Q. But you have no vote?

A. In course not. ’Cause I’m one o’ the rabble.

Q. And as one of the rabble—what are you to expect from the gentlemen who propose themselves—for the benefit of the country—to be Members of Parliament?

A. I am to expect, and not a bit to mind it, to be despised from the bottom of their hearts.

Q. Were you created for that?

A. I was, as badgers were made to be baited, foxes to be hunted, and hedgehogs to be beaten to bits—so was the rabble made to be despised by Members of Parliament, ’specially when majors, from the very bottom of their hearts.

Punch.

Le Catechisme des Anglais.

Pour l’expulsion des Français sous Napoleon I.

D. Dis moi, mon enfant, qui es tu?

R. Anglais; par la grace de Dieu.

D. Quel est l’ennémi de notre félicité?

R. L’Empereur des Français.

D. Combien a-t-il de natures?

R. Deux: la nature humaine, et la diabolique.

D. Combien y a d’Empereurs des Français?

R. Un véritable, en trois personnes trompeuses.

D. Comment les nomme t-on?

R. Napoléon, Murat, Manuel Godoi.

D. Lequel des trois est le plus méchant?

R. Ils le sont tous trois également.

D. De qui dérive Napoléon?

R. Du péché.

D. Murat?

R. De Napoléon; et Godoi de la formation des deux autres.

D. Quel est l’esprit du prémier?

R. L’orgueil et le despotisme.

D. Du sécond.

R. La rapine, et la cruauté.

D. Du troisième?

R. La cupidité, la trahison, et l’ignorance, &c. &c.

* * * * *

This fragment of a catechism appeared in Notes and Queries June 27, 1868, with a request for information as to its origin, to which no reply seems to have been made.

A Catechism for Londoners.

Q. What is a Premium?

A. Premium is a Latin word meaning “prize” or “reward.” In London this reward is given by Landlords to themselves out of the money of incoming Tenants.

Q. Is a Premium a prize for good conduct?

A. Exclusively so. The good conduct consists in allowing Tenants to live in London at all.

Q. Is the moment when a house is taken the only occasion on which a Premium is exacted?

A. Not at all. When a lease expires, Landlords, especially Ducal ones (see Mr. Platt’s evidence before the Parliamentary Committee), often refuse to renew without a heavy Premium.

Q. Is it a valid plea to say that this Premium is a repayment to the Landlord for improvements which he has kindly made in the house?

A. No; because the Landlord hardly ever makes any improvements.

Q. Then, at any rate, Tenants of London houses can always have the advantage of a lease, if they like to pay a Premium for it?

A. Such is not the case. Some Ducal Landlords now exact Premiums, and at the same time refuse to grant leases.

Q. Then the Tenant becomes a mere Tenant-at-will?

A. Unless he prefers to become a Tenant-at-won’t, and leaves the house in disgust.

Q. Why do not all Tenants adopt the latter system?

A. Because to leave his place of business may mean to a tradesman the sacrifice of his “connection,” a fact of which Landlords take full advantage.

Q. If a Tenant asked his Landlord for compensation for improvements executed by himself, what would the latter do?

A. Improve him off the estate, probably.

Q. When a London Landlord destroys at one blow the value of a Tradesman’s good-will, by refusing him a lease, and drives him to emigrate by exacting a “starvation-rent,” what does he call the result to the Tenant?

A. A happy re-lease.

Q. What is the theoretical foundation on which Ducal Landlords build their claim to rack-rent all occupiers who “hold of” them?

A. That it is entirely owing to their own careful attention and unremitting exertions that the soil of London is now of any value whatever.

Q. And of what material is that foundation largely composed?

A. Portland Cement.

Q. What would the Ducal monopoly of land and houses in the best situations in London be called in Chicago?

A. A “corner in rents.”

Q. And what would be an appropriate name for the victim of this monopoly?

A. A Ground-Tenant.

Q. Although the Ducal system of “improving estates,” by turning out old Tenants and raising the rent to the utmost possible limit, may press hardly on individuals, do not these territorial magnates display a splendid example of public-spirited generosity and self-denying civic virtue which compensates for private loss?

A. Scarcely.

Punch. May 7, 1887.

A Catechism of the Peerage.

Question. What is a Peer.

Answer. The eldest son of his father.

31 Q. Who gave him that Title?

A. No one; it came to him through the accident of birth.

Q. Has he no other claim or qualification?

A. None.

Q. What is the nature of his Title?

A. Hereditary.

Q. Are there no other kind of Peers?

A. Yes; there are a few Life Peers.

Q. What are they?

A. Commoners who are made Peers for the rest of their lives, without their titles being transmitted to their heirs.

Q. Who creates Peers?

A. The Crown.

Q. What are men made Peers for?

A. For winning battles, for serving their party in the House of Commons, for being old and no longer of any use to it, for being troublesome to their colleagues, for being behind the times, and for being political nuisances that cannot be got rid of in any other way.

Q. Are Poets ever made Peers?

A. Yes. Lord Tennyson.

Q. Why was he made a Peer?

A. For writing adulatory verses, as Poet Laureate, on royal births, marriages and deaths.

Q. Besides Hereditary Peers and Life Peers, are there any other special kinds?

A. Yes. Temporal Peers and Spiritual Peers?.

Q. What are Spiritual Peers?

A. Bishops of the Church of England.

Q. What are the Privileges of a Peer?

A. To be called “My Lord,” to sit in Parliament without asking his fellow-citizens, to legislate without consulting them, to appoint clergymen to livings in the Church, and his poor relations to well-paid offices in the public service.

Q. Whom does the House of Commons represent?

A. The People of England.

Q. Whom do the Peers represent?

A. Themselves.

Q. How many are they?

A. Five hundred and twelve.

Q. How many does the People’s House represent?

A. Thirty-four millions.

Q. Are the members of the House of Lords all English.

A. No; the Scotch Peers created before 1707 elect sixteen of their number to sit in each Parliament, and the Irish Peers created before 1801 elect twenty-eight of their number to sit for life.

Q. How many Peers are Conservatives, and how many are Liberals?

A. There are 285 Conservatives and 218 Liberals, the remaining few being uncertain.

Q. Do they vote on all questions in proportion to these numbers?

A. No; they generally show an overwhelming majority against Liberal measures, especially in relation to the Landed Interest.

Q. Can they prevent the People’s House from passing any laws it may deem necessary?

A. Yes.

Q. Have they often done so?

A. Yes, always, until they were beaten.

Q. Are not the Bishops more friendly to measures passed by the People’s House for the good of the nation?

A. No; they have always opposed such measures even more obstinately than the Temporal Peers.

Q. How many clergymen are appointed to their livings by Peers?

A. Nearly five thousand.

Q. Are the Peers rich or poor?

A. Rich.

Q. What does their wealth spring from?

A. The land.

Q. Do they cultivate it?

A. No, they own it, and the cultivators pay them rent.

Q. How much land do they own?

A. 16,411,986 acres.

Q. How much land is there in Great Britain and Ireland?

A. 72,119,961 acres, exclusive of waste lands and commons.

Q. What is the yearly income of the richest Peer?

A. Four hundred thousand pounds.

Q. How much is that per day?

A. Ten hundred and ninety-five pounds.

Q. What is the highest daily wage of a farm labourer?

A. Half-a-crown.

Q. How much public money do the Peers draw from offices and pensions?

A. £598,056.

Q. Have the Peers any other power or influence than that already mentioned?

A. Yes, they have nearly three hundred relations, by birth or marriage, in the House of Commons.

Q. Have the Peers any other privileges?

A. Yes, the clergy pray for them every Sunday that they may be endued with grace, wisdom, and understanding.

Q. Is the prayer answered?

A. No.

Q. What are the duties of a Peer?

A. To spend his money, and to sit in the House of Lords when he feels disposed.

Q. Is he often so disposed?

A. No; the average attendance of Peers in the House of Lords is about twenty.

Q. Have the Peers no other duties?

A. Yes, they have to provide the chief officers of the Royal Household, as only Peers and Peeresses can perform such exalted functions.

Q. Do they fill those offices gratuitously?

A. No, they are handsomely paid, some of them receiving as much as £2,000 a year.

Q. Have they any other duty?

A. No, that is the whole duty of a Peer.

Issued by The People’s League for the Abolition of the Hereditary Chamber.

The Drunkard’s Catechism.

Question.—What is your name?

Answer.—Drunken Sot.

Q.—Who gave you that name?

A.—As drink is my idol, landlords and their wives get all my money; they gave me that name in my drunken sprees wherein I was made a member of strife, a child of want, and an inheritor of a bundle of rags.

Q.—What did your landlords and landladies promise for you.

A.—They did promise and vow three things in my name, first, that I should renounce the comfort of my own fireside; secondly, starve my wive and hunger my children; thirdly, walk in rags and tatters, with my shoe soles going flip flap all the days of my life.

Q.—Rehearse the articles of thy belief.

A.—I believe in the existence of one Mr. Alcohol, the great head and chief of all manner of vice, the source of nine-tenths of all diseases! and I not only believe, but am sure that when my money is gone and spent, the landlord will stop the tap and turn me out.

31 Q.—How many commandments have ye sots to keep?

A.—Ten.

Q.—Which be they?

A.—The same which the landlord and landlady spake in the bar, saying, We are thy master and thy mistress who brought thee out of the paths of virtue, placed thee in the ways of vice, and set thy feet on the road which leadeth to New South Wales.

I.—Thou shalt use no other house but mine.

II.—Thou shalt not make to thyself any substitute for intoxicating drinks, such as tea, coffee, ginger-pop and lemonade; for I am a jealous man, wearing the coat that should be on thy back, eating thy children’s bread, and pocketing the money which should make thee and thy wife happy all the days of thy life.

III.—Thou shalt not use my house in vain.

IV.—Remember that thou eat but one meal on the Sabbath day. Six days shalt thou drink and spend all thy money, but the seventh day is the Sabbath, wherein I wash my floor, mend my fires and make ready for the company the remaining part of the day.

V.—Thou shalt honor the landlords, the landladies and the gin-shops, with thy presence that thy days may be few and miserable, in the land wherein thou livest.

VI.—Thou shalt commit murder, by starving, hungering and beating thy wife and family.

VII.—Thou shalt commit self-destruction.

VIII.—Thou shalt sell thy wife’s and children’s bread and rob thyself of all thy comforts.

IX.—Thou shalt bear false witness when thou speakest of the horrors, saying, Thou art in good health when labouring under the barrel fever.

X.—Thou shalt covet all thy neighbour is possessed of; thou shalt covet his house, his land, his purse, his health, his wealth, and all that he has got, that thou mayest indulge in drunkenness, help the brewer to buy a new coach, a pair of fine horses, a new dray, and a fine building, that he may live in idleness all his days; likewise to enable the landlord to purchase a new sign to place over his door, with “Licensed to be drunk on the Premises” written thereon.

The foregoing are only a few of the many imitations of the Catechism, others are either too long to quote, or not sufficiently interesting.

There was one published during the Regency, entitled “A Political Catechism, dedicated (without permission) to His most Serene Highness Omar Bashaw, Bey and Governor of the Warlike City and Kingdom of Algiers; the Earl of Liverpool, Lord Castlereagh, and Co.” Coventry: J. Turner. Price Twopence. It was also published in London, by R. Carlile, 1817.

This was written to urge the people to petition the Prince Regent for Parliamentary, and Constitutional Reform.

Another, which was published about three years ago, was styled “The Conservative Catechism, or, the Principles of Organised Hypocrisy Explained.” This was issued, at the low price of one penny, by Abel Heywood & Son, Manchester, and had a large sale among the Radical voters at the time of the last Election.

——:o:——

The following parody occurred in a sermon preached at St. Paul’s Cross during the reign of James I., by Dr. John Boys, Dean of Canterbury:—

“Our Pope, which art in Rome, cursed be thy name; perish may thy kingdom; hindered may thy will be, as it is in heaven, so in earth. Give us this day our cup in the Lord’s Supper; and remit our moneys which we have given for thy indulgencies, as we send them back unto thee; and lead us not into heresy; but free us from misery; for thine is the infernal pitch and sulphur, for ever and ever. Amen.”

This was printed in Jefferson’s Entertaining Literary Curiosities, 1808, and was also referred to by Hone in his trials.

A long article appeared in Notes and Queries, August 8, 1885, devoted to the history of the Lord’s Prayer, with variations, paraphrases, imitations, and translations. It gave two curious versions of the Prayer in very early English.

“Monsieur Grévy, qui êtes à l’Elysée, demeurez et faites que nous demeurions toujours dans les sentiments républicains. Touchez vos loyers en paix. Distribuez de bonnes places à vos serviteurs. Rendez des portefeuilles à ceux qui n’en ont plus, continuez a faire grâce aux condamnés comme ils vous feraient grâce eux mêmes, et délivrez-nous des petits papiers. Au nom du beau-père, du gendre, et de Boulanger. Amen!”

——:o:——

The Wife’s Commandments.

I. Thou shalt have none other wife but me.

II. Thou shalt not take into thy house any beautiful brazen image to bow down to her, nor serve her, for I thy wife am a jealous wife, visiting the sins of the husband unto thee, etc.

III. Thou shalt not take the name of thy wife in vain.

IV. Remember to keep her respectably.

V. Honour thy wife’s Father and Mother.

VI. Thou shalt not scold.

VII. Thou shalt not find fault with thy dinners.

VIII. Thou shalt rock the cradle during my absence, and shalt prepare the tea for my return.

IX. Thou shalt not be behind thy neighbours.

X. Thou shalt not visit the whisky tavern, thou shalt not covet the tavern keeper’s Rum, nor his Brandy, nor his Gin, nor his Whisky, nor his Wine, nor anything that is behind the bar, nor in front of the bar of the tavern keeper.

The Husband’s Commandments.

I. Thou shalt have no other Husband but me.

II. Thou shalt not take unto thyself any man wherewith to call him Husband, to bow down to him, nor to worship him, for I am a jealous Husband, visiting, etc.

III. Thou shalt not take any other name but that of thine Husband.

IV. Remember to keep him respectably.

V. Honour thy Husband’s lawful commands.

VI. Thou shalt not scold.

VII. Thou shalt not be too fond of fine clothes, but be saving in all things.

VIII. Thou shalt not gossip with thy Neighbours, but do thy work.

IX. Thou shalt not tell thy Neighbours of any of thine Husband’s faults.

X. Thou shalt not frequent Theatres, or Music Halls, or Concert Rooms, or any other place of that kind without thine Husband.

306 Les X. Commandements des Baigneurs.

De nombreux accidents arrivant chaque année il ne nous paraît pas inutile de rappeller à nos chers lecteurs les dix commandements du grand hygiéniste hongrois, Kruger.

I. Après les émotions vives, ne te baigne pas.

II. Après un malaise subit, ne te baigne pas.

III. Après une nuit d’insomnie, après un excès de fatigue, ne te baigne pas.

IV. Après un repas copieux, après de chaudes libations, ne te baigne pas.

V. Lorsque tu te rends au bain, ne cours pas.

VI. Ne te baigne pas dans une eau dont tu ne connais pas la profondeur.

VII. Déshabille-toi lentement, mais, aussitôt déshabillé, entre dans l’eau.

VIII. Jette-toi dans l’eau la tête la première; si tu ne sais pas plonger, immerge-toi un instant.

IX. Ne reste pas longtemps dans l’eau, à moins que tu ne sois d’un tempérament très fort.

X. Après le bain frictionne-toi, habille-toi promptement, et marche.

The X Commandments of the Canting Crew.

Perhaps the most whimsical laws that were ever prescribed to a gang of thieves were those framed by William Holliday, one of the prigging community, who was hanged in 1695:—

I. That none of his company should presume to wear shirts, upon pain of being cashiered.

II. That none should lie in any other places than stables, empty houses, or other bulks.

III. That they should eat nothing but what they begged, and that they should give away all the money they got by cleaning boots among one another, for the good of the fraternity.

IV. That they should neither learn to read nor write, that he may have them the better under command.

V. That they should appear every morning by nine on the parade, to receive necessary orders.

VI. That none should presume to follow the scent but such as he ordered on that party.

VII. That if any one gave them shoes or stockings, he should convert them into money to play.

VIII. That they should steal nothing they could not come at, for fear of bringing a scandal upon the company.

IX. That they should not endeavour to clear themselves of vermin, by killing or catching them.

X. That they should cant better than the Newgate birds, pick pockets without bungling, outlie a Quaker, outswear a lord at a gaming-table, and brazen out all their villanies beyond an Irishman.

These rules have their counterpart amongst French thieves, whose “Commandements” will be found in Professor Barrère’s Argot and Slang.

Ten Commandments to be Observed by all the People of Great Britain.

After the Passing of the Allopathic Trades Union Medical Bill, of 1877,

1st. I am thy Family Doctor, duly appointed by the state. I brought thee into this world of sorrow, and so long as thou livest, to thee, in matters medical, it must be a land of bondage.

2nd. Thou shalt have none other Doctor but me.

3rd. Thou shalt not make for thyself any medicine; nor gather any herbs that grow upon the earth, nor in the waters about the earth; thou shalt not use anything, however simple, in treating disease: for I, thy Doctor, am a very jealous man, and for any infraction of this, thy duty, I will visit thy transgression with pains and penalties; yea, I will incarcerate thee into a prison, and so punish for thy doings, those dependent upon thee. And if thou wilt blindly follow my advice, and pay obedience to me, I will promise thee, when ill, that I will bleed, blister, and salivate thee at my pleasure; and so reward thee with a ruined constitution, to drag out a miserable existence for the remainder of thy days.

4th. Thou shalt not speak lightly of my name, for I am protected by law; and the law will not hold him guiltless that interferes in any way with me.

5th. Remember that thou prayest for my welfare when attending thy church on the sabbath day. Six days shalt thou labour to prostrate thy body and work for my fees; but the seventh day is the sabbath, and on that day thou must do nothing towards restoring or improving thy health, or thy wife’s health, or thy children’s health, or above all, thy neighbour’s health; nor must thou think about it, it is something that does not concern thee, I claim that as my special privilege—state protected. I am all powerful in these matters, and as such must be respected.

6th. Honour thy Doctor more than anyone else, for I claim thee, body and soul, whilst residing in England, the land of thy birth.

7th. Thou shalt not think for thyself.

8th. Thou art an Englishman, and the law hath handed thee over to my tender keeping.

9th. Thou shalt never be a Doctor.

10th. Thou shalt not tell thy neighbour of any remedy that will do him good, for I shall watch thy doings jealously. Thou shalt never covet the position of a medical adviser. If thou seest thy neighbour suffering, or his wife suffering, or any of his children suffering and thou art in possession of any remedy that will do them good, thou shalt not advise, nor use it; for I, thy Doctor, state protected, am always watchful, to visit upon thee pains and penalties for any infraction of these my commandments.

Les Commandements de la Presse.

1. En te fondant tu verseras Un très gros cautionnement.

2. Les droits du timbre tu pairas Au fisc quotiediennement.

3. Jamais tu ne censureras Les actes du gouvernement.

4. Les chambres tu respecteras, Et les ministres mêmement.

5. De nul citoyen ne diras Un mot sans son consentement

6. Compte-rendu ne publieras Parallèle ni autrement.

7. En y manquant tu subiras L’amende et l’emprissonnement.

8. Chaque amende te mangera Le tiers du cautionnement.

9. Des droits d’électeur tu sera Dépossédé par supplément.

10. Le tribunal te suspendra Pour six mois provisoirement;

11. Et même il te supprimera, S’il veut, définitivement. 307

12. Sauf ces réserves, tu pourras Ecrire et parler librement.

These lines were published in Paris, in 1867, when a new and stringent law considerably curtailed the liberty of the French press. The main idea contained in this epigram is borrowed from Beaumarchais:—

“On me dit que, pendant ma retraite économique, il s’est établi dans Madrid un système de liberté sur la vente des productions, qui s’étend meme à celles de la presse; et que, pourvu que je ne parle en mes écrits ni de l’autorité, ni du culte, ni de la politique, ni de la morale, ni des gens en place, ni des corps en crédit, ni de l’Opéra, ni des autres spectacles, ni de personne qui tienne à quelque chose, je puis tout imprimer librement, sous l’inspection de deux ou trois censeurs.”

Le Mariage de Figaro. Acte. v. Sc. iii.

——:o:——

Contemporary with Mr. William Hone was a printer and publisher, named Richard Carlile, who, in 1817, had a shop at 183, Fleet Street, London.

He dealt largely in similar publications to those sold by Hone, and indeed reprinted the very parodies for publishing which Hone had been tried and acquitted. Like Hone, too, he was prosecuted by the Government of the day, and in October, 1819, was sentenced to three years’ imprisonment and to pay fines of £1,000 and £500 respectively, for publishing Paine’s “Age of Reason” and Palmer’s “Principles of Nature.” As he would not, or could not, pay these heavy fines, he was kept in prison until 1825.

Carlile republished Wat Tyler, a work which had been written by Robert Southey, when an ardent young Republican, but which, when he became Poet Laureate, and a pensioner of the Tory Government, he was very anxious should be forgotten. Southey endeavoured to prohibit the republication, but to no purpose, and over twenty-five thousand copies of the work were sold. Carlile also edited The Republican, The Lion, The Gauntlet, The Christian Warrior, and other publications. He was born at Ashburton in 1790, and died in 1843; his body, after having been dissected at St. Thomas’s Hospital at his own request, was buried in Kensal Green Cemetery.

Even those who agreed with Carlile’s very advanced theories were compelled to admit that he was a most eccentric individual, and his publications are decidedly inferior in literary merit to those issued by Hone. One of these was entitled The Bullet Te Deum with the Canticle of the Stone, 1817, a political parody of “Te Deum Laudamus.” He published another two-penny political pamphlet (ascribed to Professor Porson), called “A New Catechism for the use of the Swinish Multitude. Necessary to be had in all Sties.” This was written partly in answer to Burke’s celebrated essay on the Sublime and the Beautiful. But of all Carlile’s political parodies probably the following was the best. It was entitled—

The Order for the

Administration of the Loaves and Fishes; or,

The Communion of Corruption’s Host;

Diligently corrected and revised.

Commanded to be read at the Treasury the day preceding all Cabinet Dinners.

The Order, &c. &c.

¶ So many as intend to be partakers of the Loaves and Fishes, shall signify their names to the Chief Minister, at least some days before the meeting of Parliament.

¶ And if any one of these be an open hearted and upright character, or have not done any wrong to the people, by word or deed, so that he be not like unto the Host of Corruption; the Minister having knowledge thereof, shall call him, and advertise him, that in anywise he presume not to be a partaker of the Loaves and Fishes, until he hath openly declared himself to have truly repented and amended his former naughty life, that Corruption’s Host may thereby be satisfied, which before were offended; and that he hath recompensed the parties, by declaring himself to be in readiness so to do, as soon as he conveniently may.

¶ The same order shall the Minister use with those betwixt whom he perceiveth malice and hatred to reign; not suffering them to be partakers of the Loaves and Fishes, until he know them to be reconciled. And if one of the parties so at variance be content to forgive, from the bottom of his heart, all that the other hath trespassed against him, and to make amends for that he himself hath offended; and the other party will not be persuaded to a Ministerial unity, but remain still in frowardness and the Opposition: The Minister, in that case, ought to admit the penitent person to a share of the plunder, and not him that is obstinate. Provided that every Minister so repelling any, as is specified in this or the next paragraph of this Rubrick, shall be obliged to give an account of the same to the Cabinet, within fourteen days after, at the farthest. And the Cabinet shall prevent the offending person from receiving either Sinecure, Pension, or Place of Profit.

¶ The Table at the Cabinet dinner having a fair white damask cloth upon it, shall be covered with every luxury 31 the earth produceth, and all Members to be there invited that shall accede to the foregoing rules, at least seven days before the opening of Parliament, there to hear repeated the Regent’s Speech, and Address thereon, and to rehearse the debates that shall be made on the said Speech and Address, also to be well acquainted with the amendment that shall be proposed by Corruption’s best allies, the Whigs. Dinner being over, the Minister at the head of the table shall first repeat the Regent’s speech as followeth:—