SONGS OF THE HEARTH-RUG
Reading edition
THE NEGLECTED WIFE TO HER RUSHLIGHT
My rushlight, when first kindled, Twelve inches long wast thou; And I behold thee dwindled To one, my candle, now! How brief thy span, contrasted With rushlight's average life! A happier dip had lasted A week a happier wife. Where is my husband got to? Oh say, expiring light! A man ought really not to Stay out so every night. I'm sure that Bradshaw's press'd him To join his tippling lot: That Bradshaw! I detest him;— The good-for-nothing sot! Would that this piece of paper, Which, ere thy flame expire, I light from thee, my taper, Could set that club on fire.
A Blunder-buss.—Kissing the wrong girl.
Motto for the Married.—Never dis-pair.
Mem. by "One who Married in Haste."—"The real 'Battle of Life' begins with a short engagement."
Time—3 a.m.
Voice from above. "Is that you, John? You're very late, aren't you?"
Brown (returned from celebrating the latest victory). "It's only about—er—twelve, my dear, I think——"
The Cuckoo Clock. "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"
Brown (grasping situation instantly). "Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"
A WET NURSE
"LITERA SCRIPTA."—Wooer. "Oh, Miss—oh, Lavinia! may I not still hope?—or is your cruel rejection of my suit final and irrevoc——" Spinster (firmly). "Yes, Mr. Brown, I seriously desire you will regard it so." Wooer. "Then, dearest, may I ask you"—(producing the materials from adjacent writing-table)—"to—ah—put it on papar! I shall feel safer!"
A "Noiseless Sewing Machine."—A good wife.
Pauca Verba.—Robinson (after a long Whist bout at the Club). "It's awfully late, Brown. What will you say to your wife?" Brown (in a whisper). "Oh, I shan't say much, you know—'Good morning, dear,' or something o' that sort. She'll say the rest!!!"
NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVE THE FARE
Playing down to him.—Young couple (who expect the visit of a very miserly relative, from whom they have expectations) are clearing the room of every sign of luxury.
Wife (earnestly). "We must do all we can to make uncle feel at home."
Husband (caustically). "Then we had better let the fire out."
Fair Widow. "Yes, I've made up my mind that when I die I shall be cremated, as my husband was."
Gallant Captain. "Dear lady, please don't talk about such dreadful things. Consider how much better it would be, in your case, to—er—cross out the C!"
Visitor (to Friend lately left a Widower).—"Hullo, Tom! That looks a stiffish bill you've got there!"
Tom.. "Ah, how those rascals of undertakers do fleece you! They know you can hardly help yourself! Of course, in my poor wife's case I would cheerfully have paid double. But one hates to be done.—Um!"
A Wife's Vocation.—Husbandry.
A DECLARATION
"Louisa, you've stolen something."
"Go on!"
"You 'ave."
"You're a——! What 'ave I stole?"
"My 'eart!"