Act 2 — LINES TO MY LADY-LOVE
Reading edition
(By a Commonplace Person)
To thee, were I a humble bee, I'd hourly wing my honeyed flight; To thee, were I a ship at sea, I'd sail, tho' land were in my sight: To thee, were I a pussy cat, I'd spring, as tho' 'twere on a rat! To thee, were I a stickleback I'd swim as fast as fins could move; To thee, were I a hunter's hack, I'd gallop on the hoofs of love: But as I'm but a simple man, I'll come by train, love—if I can!
He. "Are you still living at the same address in town, Mrs. Jones?"
She. "Yes. But since I've become a widow, I've been looking for another flat!"
Miss Short. "Isn't my name an absurd misfit, Mr. Long?"
Mr. Long (thoughtlessly). "Yes, rather. If you could have mine it would be all right, wouldn't it?"
Miss Short. "Oh, Mr. Long, this is so sudden!"
THE ALTERNATIVE
The Doctor. "Well, Mrs. Barnes, I must offer you my congratulations. I hear you've married again. And have you given up your occupation of washing?"
Mrs. Barnes. "Oh, no, sir. But, you see, if I 'adn't taken 'e, I'd 'a' 'ad to 'a' bought a donkey!"
"Now, George dear, it's your first birthday in the new century. What good resolutions are you going to make?"
"Well, for one thing, I intend to be much more regular in my habits."
"Why not give them all up, dear?"
FAMILY CARES
First Excursionist. "Int'restin' ruins these, sir."
Second Ditto (the bread-winner). "'Mye-es. 'Don't care for ruins m'self though." (Pointing to his olive branches in the background.) "Them's ruin enough for me?"