MR. PUNCH'S BOOK OF LOVE
Reading edition
Advice to Persons who have "Fallen in Love."—Fall out.
Advice to Persons about to Marry.—Don't.
Encouraging.—George (who has just engaged himself to the Girl of his heart) breaks the happy news to his friend Jack (who has been married some time).—Jack. "Ah! well, my dear fellow, marriage is the best thing in the long run, and I can assure you that after a year or two a man gets used to it, and feels just as jolly as if he'd never married at all!"
A Definition.—Flirtation: a spoon with nothing in it.
Domestic.—It was a homely but pungent observation, on the part of a man of much experience and observation, that marriage without love was like tripe without onions.
Adage by a Young Lady.—Man proposes, but mamma disposes.
By a Beastly Old Bachelor.—A married man's fate (in brief).—Hooked, booked, cooked.
Describe a Home-Circle.—The wedding ring.
How to fix the Happy Day.—Q. When's the best day for a wedding? A. Why, of course, "A Weddin's day."
DOMESTIC ECONOMY.
Said Stiggins to his wife one day, "We've nothing left to eat; If things go on in this queer way, We shan't make both ends meet." The dame replied, in words discreet, "We're not so badly fed, If we can make but one end meat, And make the other bread."
Clergyman. "Augustus, wilt thou take this woman——"
Bride (late of Remnant & Co.'s Ribbon Department). "Lady!"
To Persons about to Marry.—Take care to choose a lady help, and not a lady encumbrance.
Accounted for at Last.—Is it not strange that the "best man" at a wedding is not the bridegroom? This must be the reason of so many unhappy marriages.
The Best Wards of a Latchkey.—Homewards!
One Great Lottery Office still Recognised by the Law.—The Marriage Register.
"There goes the second Mrs. Muggeray!"
"Gracious! What on earth did he marry her for?"
"Oh, he said he wanted some one to amuse the children!"
WONDERFUL WHAT AN ADJECTIVE WILL DO
Brown (newly married—to Jones, whom he entertained a few evenings previously). "Well, what did you think of us, old boy, eh?"
Jones. "Oh, pretty flat. Er—awfully pretty flat!"
Scientific Accuracy.—"But why do you want to marry her?" "Because I love her!" "My dear fellow, that's an excuse—not a reason!"
To Persons about to Marry.—What is enough for one, is half enough for two, short commons for three, and starvation for half a dozen.
Love me, lady! My hair is gray; When round comes pay-day I cannot pay. My corns are awful, My prospects shady, I want a comforter: Love me, lady!
Notes of Admiration.—Love letters.
"THERE IS A TIE THAT BINDS US TO OUR HOMES"
He. "I can't understand Phyllis rejecting me last night."
She. "Never mind. You'll soon get over it."
He. "Oh, I've got over it right enough; but I can't help feeling so doosid sorry for her. I shan't ask her again!"
"A NIGHT OF IT"
Young Wife (2 a.m..). "Dinner at the Albion! the theatre! and supper and a rubber at the club! Well, Henry, I wonder you did not go to all the places of amusement in London, and (sobbing) not come home all night!"
Henry. "My dear, all th' other places shu' rup!!"
SENSE AND SENSIBILITY A FRAGMENT
Yes, Robert! But O! do look at the excellent evening glow on yon distant hills! How solemn!! How sublime!"
"O! stunning. Well, then I measured the scullery: six feet by ten ... that'll just do, won't it?"
PRIMARY ROCK
The Effect of Getting Married.—"Poor Dick! how sadly he is altered since his marriage!" remarked one friend to another. "Why, yes, of course," replied the other; "directly a man's neck is in the nuptial noose, every one must see that he's a haltered person."
A Bad Pre-eminence.—What is there beats a good wife? A bad husband.
Question by a Sewing Machine.—What is woman's true sphere?—The Hemisphere.
A Marriage Question.—If a man addicted to smoking marries a widow, does it follow that he must lay down his pipe, because she gives up her weeds?
A Ready-made Rejoinder.—He. "You made a fool of me when I married you, ma'am!" She. "Lor! You always told me you were a self-made man!"
Mem. by an Old Maid.—If you "look over your age," you won't find anyone else willing to do the same.
MAFEKING NIGHT (Or rather 3 a.m. the following morning)
Voice (from above). "Good gracious, William! Why don't you come to bed?"
William (huskily). "My dear Maria, you know it's been the rule of my life to go to bed shober—and I can't posh'bly come to bed yet!"