Act II.—After the Event.

Seraphina (with emphasis). O! when mamma comes you will not treat me so—you insolent puppy!

Adolphus (with decided emphasis). Ah! don't talk to me, you cat!!!

Curtain falls.

The Best Settlement for a Rich Wife who Elopes.—A penal one.

COLD SYMPATHY

Friend. "Hullo, old man, what's the matter?"

Gilded Youth. "Just proposed to a girl—been refused. Think I shall blow my brains out!"

Friend. "Congratulate you, old chap!"

Gilded Youth. "What do you mean?"

Friend. "Didn't know you had any!"

QUOD ERAT DEMONSTRANDUM

Gertrude. "But nobody ever dies of a broken heart."

Evelyn. "Oh, but they do. Why, I knew a man who was jilted, and he died almost immediately afterwards."

Gertrude. "Well, if he'd lived he'd have got over it."

THE SEVEN WONDERS OF A MARRIED MAN.

1. Not going to sleep after dinner!

2. Never going anywhere in the evening, excepting "to the club!"

3. Always being good-tempered over the loss of a button, and never wreaking his vengeance on the coals if the dinner isn't ready exactly to a minute!

4. Never finding fault with his "dear little wifey," if she happens to be his partner at whist.

5. Not "wondering," regularly every week, "how the money goes!"

6. Resigning himself cheerfully, when asked to accompany his wife on "a little shopping!"

7. Insisting upon the servants sitting up, sooner than take the latchkey with him!!!

THE SEVEN WONDERS OF A MARRIED WOMAN.

1. Never having "a gown to put on," when invited out anywhere.

2. Always being down the first to breakfast! always being dressed in time for dinner! and never keeping the carriage (or the cab) waiting at the door a minute!

3. Not always having "delicate health," about the autumn, and being recommended by her medical man "change of air" immediately!

4. Keeping up her "playing and singing" the same after marriage as before!

5. Giving her husband the best cup of tea!

6. Never making the house uncomfortable by continually "putting it to rights!"—nor filling it choke-full with a number of things it does not want, simply because they are "bargains!"

7. Never alluding, under the strongest provocation, to "the complete sacrifice she has made of herself!"—nor regretting the "two or three good offers," which she (in common with every married woman) had before she was foolish enough to accept him!!—and never, by any accident, calling her husband "a brute!"

All for Money.—Jack Damyan and his wife have just started on their wedding tour. The lady's chief attraction is her income. In this case, Jack's friends call the usual period of seclusion the moneymoon.

THE FOURTEENTH OF FEBRUARY

Comely Housemaid. "None for you, miss."

Daughter of the House. "But—why—who are all those for, then?"

Comely Housemaid. "Me, miss!"

THE BALANCE RESTORED

Mrs. Henry Peek. "Bah! I only married you because I pitied you, when nobody else thought anything about you!"

Mr. Henry Peek (wearily). "Ah, well, my dear, everybody pities me now!"

She "Jests at Scars," etc.—Aunt. "And how's Louisa, my dear? Where is she?" Sarcastic Younger Sister (fancy free). "Oh, pretty well, but she won't be on view these two hours. She's writing to her 'Dear Fred'; at least I fancy I saw her come out of the library with Tupper's Poems and a Dictionary!!!"

An Old-Maidism.—Love is blind, and Hymen is the oculist that generally manages to open his eyes.

"AS MAN'S INGRATITUDE"

"Nonsense, Frank! Can't pay them! Why, before we were married you told me you were well off."

"So I was. But I didn't know it!"

Mr. Guzzle. "Ah, Jinks, I hear you are going to be married. Good thing too. You'll have some one to keep that cook of yours up to the mark. She wants it!"

Mr. Jinks. "Yes. But, you see, it's cook I'm going to marry!"