VIATOR'S VADE MECUM
Reading edition
(Or Compendious Weather-Guide for the British Tourist)
When the wind is in the North, Gingham take if you go forth. If to Eastward veer the wind, Gingham do not leave behind. If to West the wind should tend, Gingham is your surest friend. If it seek the South, of course, Gingham is your sole resource. Intermediate points demand Gingham constantly in hand. If there be no wind at all, Gingham take, for rain will fall. At all other times, no doubt, Gingham you may do without, Yet e'en then an hour may bring 'em,— Showers I mean,—so take your Gingham!
English Tourist (in the far North, miles from anywhere). "Do you mean to say that you and your family live here all the winter? Why, what do you do when any of you are ill? You can never get a doctor!"
Scotch Shepherd. "Nae, sir. We've just to dee a natural death!"
The Place in Hot Weather.—Lazistan.
THE WATER CURE
Young Lady. "So you've been on the Continent, Professor?"
The Professor. "Yes, I've been to Marienbad, taking the baths, you know."
Young Lady. "Really? That was a change for you, wasn't it?"
"Oh! con-found these country looking-glasses, though!"
THE HOT WEATHER
Traveller (bedtime, thermometer 100°!). "Waiter, go' sh'ch a thing as a warmin'-pan?"
Waiter (astounded). "A warming-pan, sir!"
Traveller. "And got any ice?"
Waiter. "Ice, sir? Yessir!"
Traveller. "Then tell 'chamb'maid to run a pan of ice through my bed, and let me have my candle. I'll turn in!!"
Scene—An Indian Station, on the eve of a Fancy Ball.—Globe-trotting "Bounder" (newly arrived). "You're running this ball, ain't you? Is fancy dress de rigueur?"
Choleric Colonel (who is Ball Secretary). "Fancy dress, sir, is not de rigueur, but an invitation is!"
Up country Joys In India.
The Mem Sahib (with a view to seasonable festivities). "I wonder if you have got such a thing as lemon peel or candied peel in your shop?"
"Europe Shop" Keeper. "Ah, no, Mem Sahib. Onlee got it 'cockle' peel and 'beesham' peel!"