A MOUNTAIN RAMBLER
Reading edition
(By a Returned Traveller)
I've scanned and penned an Ode on Thy snowy glories, Snowdon My honeymoon with Helen, Was spent near "dark" Helvellyn, Afar from all the beau monde I've rambled round Ben Lomond, At noontide on Ben Nevis, I've roved and read Sir Bevis, I've stretched each tired thin limb on Thy summit, O Plinlimmon, And once I tore my breeks On Macgillycuddy's Reeks. Those glorious mountain scalps, The tiptops of the Alps, I've seen—their pines and passes, Their glaciers and crevasses— With fools, philosophers and wits, I've scrambled up the Ortler Spitz, Made sketches on St. Gothard, Like Turner and like Stothard, And with my cara sposa Ascended Monte Rosa: But not content with Europe, I've roamed with staff and new rope As far away as Ararat, Where savants say there's ne'er a rat; The Kuen Lun and Thian Shan I know as well as any man; I've boiled my evening kettle On Popocatapetl, And on the highest Andes I've sodas mixed and brandies; I've slumbered snug and cosey On silvery Potosi; I've stood on Peter Botto, A rather lonely spot; And—crowning feat of all My mountaineerings on this ball— I've smoked—O weed for ever blest! My pipe upon Mount Everest. And now my ramble's over, Here's Shakspeare's Cliff and Dover! All Alpine risks and chances, All Ultramontane fancies, I've put away and done with; I'll stay my wife and son with, And never more will roam From Primrose Hill and home.
The Festive Season.
Visitor to the District (who has missed his way). "Can you tell me, my good man, if I shall pass the 'Red Lion' inn along this road?"
The Village Toper. "Oi wouldn't like to be saying wut a gen'leman loike ye wud be doin'; but Oi'm parfect sartin Oi shouldn't!"
Queen's Hotel, Ambleside, 3 o'clock, a.m.—"Tom!" (No response.) "I say, Tom!" (No answer.) "Tom!" (A muffled grunt.) "Tom—Fire!"
"Eh? What? What do you say?"
"I say Tom, do you think your key will fit my bag?"
"No—'t won't—Chubb!"
[Objurgations, and midnight disturber retires.
Our Compatriots Abroad.
"And how did you like Switzerland?"
"Oh, immensely! It was our first visit, you know!"
"And did you go on into Italy?"
"Well, no. We found a hotel at Lausanne where there was a first-rate tennis-lawn, you know—quite as good as ours at home. So we spent the whole of our holiday there, and played lawn-tennis all day long."
AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY
The Professor (who has just come back from the North Pole). "—— and the fauna of these inhospitable regions is as poor as the flora! You couldn't name a dozen animals who manage to live there."
Mrs. Malapert. "Oh—I dare say I could!"
The Professor. "Really—what are they?"
Mrs. Malapert. "Well, now—five polar bears, let us say, and—and seven seals!"
First Traveller. "Can we have beds here to-night?"
Obliging Hostess. "Oh, yes, sir."
First Traveller. "Have you—er—any—er—insects in this house?"
Obliging Hostess. "No, sir. But we can get you some!"
Lady (to her travelling companion, who has just had his finger-nail pinched badly). "How horrid! I always think anything wrong with one's nails sets one's teeth on edge all down one's back!"
NEARING THE ENGLISH COAST
Jones. (Returning to England). "We are quite fifty miles from the Scilly Isles, Miss Brown. They say the odour of the flowers they cultivate there travels that distance over the sea. I can detect it distinctly now—can't you?"
Miss Brown (from America). "I guess it hasn't quite reached me yet, Mr. Jones!"
On a Certain Condescension in Foreigners.
He. "Oh, you're from America, are you? People often say to me, 'Don't you dislike Americans?' But I always say 'I believe there are some very nice ones among them.'"
She. "Ah, I dare say there may be two or three nice people amongst millions!"
Our Countrymen Abroad.
Mr. Shoddy. "I always say, Mrs. Sharp, that I never feel really safe from the ubiquitous British snob till I am south of the Danube!"
Mrs. Sharp (innocently). "And what do the—a—South Danubians say, Mr. Shoddy?"
Waiter. "Did you ring, Sir?"
Traveller (as a gentle hint to previous arrival). "Another fire, waiter!"
Mr. Smith. "Oh, I was wondering whether you and your husband would care to accompany our party to Hadrian's Villa to-morrow?"
Young American Bride. "Why, yes; we'd just love to go. George and I will be furnishing as soon as we get back to Noo York, and maybe we'd be able to pick up a few notions over at this villa."
UNANSWERABLE
Pompous Magnate (making speech at public luncheon in provincial town). "Speaking of travel reminds me how greatly I have admired the scenery round Lake Geneva, and also what pleasant times I have spent in the neighbourhood of Lake Leman."
Cultured Neighbour (in audible whisper). "Pardon me, but the two places are synonymous."
P. M. (patronisingly). "Ah! So you may think, sir—so you may think! But, from my point of view, I consider Lake Geneva to be far the most synonymous of the two."
"It's an Ill Wind," &c.
"Oh, papa! what do you think? Four out of our twelve boxes are missing."
"Hurrah! By George! that's the best piece of news I've had for a long time."
An Epicure.
"Oh, George, I'm ashamed of you—rubbing your lips like that, after that dear little French girl has given you a kiss!"
"I'm not rubbing it out, mammy—I'm rubbing it in!"