MR. PUNCH'S COUNTRY RAMBLES

(With acknowledgments to the "Daily Chronicle")

A memorable afternoon may be spent by taking the train to Muggleton, and walking from there by way of Mudford, Sloppington, Stickborough-in-the-Marsh, Drencham, St. Swithuns, and Swillingspout to Poddleton-on-the-Slosh. The whole district is full of memories of the great Hodge family (before it migrated into the towns). Quite a number of mute, inglorious Miltons are buried in Poddleton churchyard, but a few people may still be seen in the market-place on Saturdays.

Route of Ramble.—Alighting at Muggleton Station (too much reliance should not be placed upon the elocution of the local railway porter) leave the refreshment room resolutely on the left (as you will need to keep your intelligence clear), and proceed in a north-north-east-half-northerly direction along a winding lane, until Mudford Beacon appears in the rear. Then turn back across six meadows and a ploughed field, following alternately the bed of a stream and the right bank of the canal until Sloppington is reached. From there follow the boundary line between the counties of Mudshire and Slopshire as far as Stickborough: from two to seven miles further on (according to the best local computation) lies Drencham, where is a remarkable pump. Leaving this landmark south-west-by-west, veer sharply to the left twice, and pursue a zig-zag course. If, at the twenty-second field, you are not within easy reach of Swillingspout it will be because you are incapable of following this brief chronicle. From the last-named place the nearest way to Poddleton is through the railway tunnel. It is not public, but persons have sometimes succeeded in getting through. Poddleton is nine miles from a station, but an omnibus walks the distance occasionally, when the horse is not required for funerals or other purposes.

Length of Ramble.—Doubtful. Has only been done in sections.

Miss-guided folks in Paris.—Evidently those who are personally conducted by "Lady Guides."

"BY THE CARD"

Pedestrian. "How far is it to Sludgecombe, boy?"

Boy. "Why, 'bout twenty 'underd theausan' mild 'f y' goo 's y'are agooin' now, an' 'bout half a mild 'f you turn right reaound an' goo t'other way!!"

Traveller. "Can you direct me to Hollow Meadows?"

Hodge (who stutters frightfully). "Ye-ye-ye-yes. You t-t-t-t-take the f-f-f-first t-t-t-t-turning on th-the right, and ku-ku-ku-keep straight on ower th' b-b-b-brig. Bu-bub-bub-but you'd bub-bub-bub-better be gu-gu-gu-gangin' on. You'll gu-gu-get there quicker th-th-th-than I can t-t-t-tell you!"

MUCH PLEASANTER FOR ALFRED

Constance (adding the last straw). "There, darling! I hope I've forgotten nothing. And oh, Alfred! how much, much pleasanter to carry our things ourselves, and be alone together, than to have a horrid servant trotting behind us, and listening to every word we say!"

SOMETHING FROM THE PROVINCES

Excursionist (politely). "Can you kindly direct me the nearest way to Slagley?"

Powerful Navvy. "Ah can poonch th' head o' thee!"

[Excursionist retires hastily.

ON THE COLONIAL TOUR

Famous Pianist. "Himmel! how hot it is! I really think I might just have half an inch cut off—just round the nape of my neck you know. Just thinned a little——"

His Agent. "Out of the question, my boy. Remember clause seven in the agreement—'Your hair not to be cut till the last concert in Australia is over'!"

EVOLUTION EXTRAORDINARY

British Tourist (who has been served with a pig's foot). "What's this? I ordered quail!"

Negro Waiter. "Wall—y'ev got quail!"

British Tourist. "Quail! Why a quail's a bird!"

Negro Waiter. "Not here!"