More toastsALIBIReading editionChapter navigation629 reading sectionsGo to chapterChoose a chapter…BOOKS OF JOKES, STORIES AND QUOTATIONSMORE TOASTSPREFACEINTRODUCTIONABSENT-MINDEDNESSACCIDENTSACCURACYACTORS AND ACTRESSESADVERTISINGADVICEAFTER DINNER SPEECHESAGEAGRICULTUREALARM CLOCKSALIBIALIMONYALPHABETALTERNATIVESAMBITIONAMERICANSAMUSEMENTSANCESTRYANIMALSANTICIPATIONANTIQUESAPARTMENTSAPPEARANCESAPPETITEAPPLAUSEARITHMETICARMIESART AND ARTISTSASTRONOMYAUTHORSAUTHORSHIPAUTOMOBILE TOURISTSAUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILINGAVIATIONBACHELORSBAGGAGEBALDNESSBANKS AND BANKINGBAPTISMBAPTISTSBARGAINSBASEBALLBATHS AND BATHINGBEAUTY, PERSONALBEGGINGBEQUESTSBETTINGBIBLE INTERPRETATIONBIGAMYBILLSBLUFFINGBOARD OF HEALTHBOARDING HOUSESBOASTINGBOLSHEVISMBOOKS AND READINGBOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLINGBOOMERANGSBOOSTINGBORROWERSBOSTONBOY SCOUTSBOYSBRIDESBROOKLYNBROTHERHOODBURBANKBUSINESSBUSINESS ENTERPRISEBUSINESS ETHICSBUSINESS WOMENCAMPAIGNSCANDIDATESCANDORCAPITAL AND LABORCARD INDEXCARELESSNESSCATALOGINGCAUSE AND EFFECTCAUTIONCHARACTERCHARITYCHEERFULNESSCHICKEN STEALINGCHILD LABORCHILDRENCHOICESCHRISTIAN SCIENTISTSCHRISTMAS GIFTSCHURCHCHURCH ATTENDANCECHURCH DISCIPLINECITIZENSCITY AND COUNTRYCIVICSCIVILIZATIONCLASS DISTINCTIONSCLEANLINESSCLERGYCLOTHINGCLUBSCOALCOFFEECOLLECTING OF ACCOUNTSCOLLECTION BOXCOLLEGE GRADUATESCOLLEGE STUDENTSCOLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIESCOMMITTEECOMMON SENSECOMMUNISMCOMMUTERSCOMPARISONSCOMPENSATIONCOMPETITIONCOMPLIMENTSCONCEITCONDUCTCONFESSIONSCONFIDENCESCONGRESSCONSCIENCECONSCRIPTIONCONSERVATIVESCONSOLATIONCONTENTMENTCONTRIBUTION BOXCONUNDRUMSCOOKERYCOOKSCOOPERATIONCORPULENCECORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLSCOSMOPOLITANISMCOST OF LIVINGCOUNTRY LIFECOURAGECOURTESYCOURTSCOURTSHIPCREDITCRIMECRITICISMCULTURECURESCURIOSITYCURRENT EVENTSCUSTOMDACHSHUNDSDAMAGESDANCINGDAYLIGHT SAVINGDEAD BEATSDEBTSDEGREESDEMAGOGDEMOCRACYDENTISTSDEPARTMENT STORESDESTINATIONDETECTIVESDETERMINATIONDIAGNOSISDILEMMASDININGDIPLOMACYDISARMAMENTDISCHARGEDISCIPLINEDISCOUNTSDISCRETIONDISPOSITIONDISTANCESDIVORCEDOCTORSDOGSDOMESTIC FINANCEDOMESTIC RELATIONSDREAMSDRINKINGDRUNKARDSDUTCHDYSPEPSIAEATINGECONOMYEDITORSEDUCATIONEFFICIENCYEGOTISMEINSTEINEMBARRASSING SITUATIONSEMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEESENEMIESENGLISH LANGUAGEENGLISHMENENTHUSIASMEPIGRAMSEPITAPHSEQUALITYETIQUETEUROPEAN WAREUROPEAN WAR—POEMSEVIDENCEEXAGGERATIONEXAMINATIONSEXCUSESEXECUTIVE ABILITYEXPENSESEXPERIENCEEXTRAVAGANCEFAILURESFAMEFAMILIESFARMINGFASHIONFATEFATHERSFAULTSFEESFICTIONFIGHTINGFINANCEFISHFISHERMENFISHINGFLATTERYFOODFOOD CONSERVATIONFOOLSFORDSFOREIGNERSFORESIGHTFORGETFULNESSFORTUNE HUNTERSFOUNTAIN PENSFRANKLINFREAKSFREE VERSEFREEDOM OF SPEECHFRENCH LANGUAGEFRIENDSFRIENDSHIPFUTUREFUTURE LIFEFUTURIST ARTGAMBLINGGARAGESGARDENINGGASGENEROSITYGENIUSGEOGRAPHYGERMANYGERMSGIFTSGIRLSGODGOLFGOSSIPGOVERNMENT OWNERSHIPGRATITUDEGUARANTEESHABITHADESHAPPINESSHASHHASTEHEAVENHELLHEREDITYHEROESHIGH COST OF LIVINGHINTINGHISTORYHOMEHOME BREWHOMELINESSHOMESICKHONESTYHORSESHOSPITALITYHOSPITALSHOTEL BIBLESHOTELSHOUSING PROBLEMHUNGERHUNTINGHURRYHUSBANDSHYPOCRISYHYSTERICS"IF"IGNORANCEILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONSIMITATIONIMMIGRANTSIMPUDENCEINCOME TAXINDUSTRYINFANTSINFLUENZAINHERITANCEINITIATIVEINSOMNIAINSTALMENT PLANINSURANCE, FIREINSURANCE, LIFEINTERVIEWSINVESTMENTSIRELANDIRISH BULLSIRISHMENJEWSJOKESJOURNALISMJUDGESJUDGMENTJURYJUSTICEKINDNESSKINGS AND RULERSKISSESKNOWLEDGELABOR AND CAPITALLABOR AND LABORING CLASSESLABOR-SAVING DEVICESLADIESLANGUAGESLAUGHTERLAUNDRYLAWSLAWYERSLAZINESSLEAGUE OF NATIONSLEAP YEARLEFT HANDEDNESSLEGISLATIONLEGISLATORSLEISURELIARSLIBERTY BONDSLIBRARIANSLIBRARIESLIESLIFELISPINGLOGICLONDONLOST AND FOUNDLOVELUCKMAGAZINESMAJORITYMARKSMANSHIPMARRIAGEMASCOTSMATHEMATICSMATRIMONYMEASURING INSTRUMENTSMEDALSMEDICAL ETHICSMEDICINEMEMORYMENMETHODISTSMIDDLEMANMILITARISMMILITARY DISCIPLINEMILKMILLENNIUMMILLINERSMILLIONAIRESMINISTERSMISERSMISTAKEN IDENTITYMISTAKESMONEYMONEY LENDERMORAL EDUCATIONMOSQUITOESMOTHERSMOTHERS' DAYMOTHERS-IN-LAWMOVING PICTURESMULESMUSHROOMSMUSICMUSICIANSNAMES, PERSONALNATIONALITYNATURAL LAWSNEGROESNEIGHBORSNEW JERSEYNEW YORK CITYNEWSBOYSNEWSPAPERS"NO"NOTHINGNURSESOBEDIENCEOBESITYOBITUARIESOCCUPATIONSOCEAN TRAVELOFFICE BOYSOFFICE-SEEKERSOFFICERSOLD AGEOLD CLOTHESOPPORTUNITYOPTIMISMORIGINALITYOSTRICHOUIJA BOARDPARENTSPARROTSPARTNERSHIPPEACEPEDESTRIANSPENMANSHIPPEPPERCENTAGEPERSISTENCEPERSUASIONPESSIMISMPHILADELPHIAPHILANTHROPISTSPHILOSOPHYPHYSICIANS AND SURGEONSPITTSBURGPLEASUREPOETRYPOETSPOLICEPOLITENESSPOLITICAL PARTIESPOLITICIANSPOLITICSPOSTAL SERVICEPOVERTYPRAISEPRAYERSPREACHINGPREJUDICEPREPAREDNESSPRESCRIPTIONSPRETENSIONPRICESPRIDEPRINTERSPRISONSPROFANITYPROFESSIONSPROFITEERSPROGRESSPROHIBITIONPROMOTERSPROMPTNESSPRONUNCIATIONPROPERTYPROPOSALSPROSPERITYPSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENTPSYCHOLOGYPUBLIC, THEPUBLIC SCHOOLSPUBLIC SPEAKERSPUBLISHERSPUNCTUALITYPUNCTUATIONPUNISHMENTPUNSPURGATORYQUAKERSQUESTIONSRADICALSRAILROADSREADINGREAL ESTATEREAL ESTATE AGENTSREALISMRECOMMENDATIONSRECRUITINGRED TAPEREGRETSRELATIVESRELIGIONSREMEDIESREMINDERSREPARTEEREPORTINGREPUTATIONREST CURERESTAURANTSRETALIATIONROADSROOSEVELT, THEODORERUINSRUMMAGE SALESSACRIFICESSAFETYSALARIESSALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIPSALVATIONSAVINGSCANDALSCHOLARSHIPSCHOOLSSCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENTSCOTCH, THESEASICKNESSSECRETSSELF-MADE MENSENATESENATORSSENSE OF HUMORSENTRIESSERMONSSERVANTSSERVICESERVICE STARSHOPPINGSIGHT SEEINGSIGNSSILENCESIMPLIFIED SPELLINGSINSINGERSSKEPTICSSLANGSMILESSMOKINGSNOBBERYSOCIALISTSSOCIETYSOCIOLOGYSOLDIERSSOUNDSOUVENIRSSPECULATIONSPEEDSPELLINGSPINSTERSSTAMMERINGSTAMPSSTATISTICSSTENOGRAPHERSSTOCK EXCHANGESTRATEGYSTREET-CARSSTRIKESSUBSTITUTESSUBURBSSUBWAYSSUCCESSSUITORSSUMMER RESORTSSUNDAYSUNDAY SCHOOLSSUPERSTITIONSURPRISESYMPATHYSYNONYMSTACTTALKERSTARDINESSTAXTEACHERSTEACHINGTEARSTELEGRAPHTELEPHONETEMPERTEMPERANCETEMPTATIONTEN COMMANDMENTSTHEATERTHERMOMETERTHIEVESTHRIFTTIDESTIMETIPSTOURISTSTRADETRADE MARKSTRADE UNIONSTRAMPSTRAVELERSTREESTRENCHESTROUBLETRUTHUMBRELLASUNEXPECTEDUNITED STATESVACATIONSVALUEVANITYVEGETARIANSVENTILATIONVOICEVOTINGWAGESWARWEALTHWEATHERWEDDINGSWELSHWESTMINSTER ABBEYWHISKYWIDOWSWINDOWSWISDOMWISHESWITNESSESWIVESWOMANWOMAN SUFFRAGEWOMAN'S RIGHTSWORKWORRYYOUTHZONESPrevious chapter ←ALARM CLOCKSNext chapter →ALIMONYAll chapters and sections (629)BOOKS OF JOKES, STORIES AND QUOTATIONSMORE TOASTSPREFACEINTRODUCTIONABSENT-MINDEDNESSACCIDENTSACCURACYACTORS AND ACTRESSESADVERTISINGADVICEAFTER DINNER SPEECHESAGEAGRICULTUREALARM CLOCKSALIBIALIMONYALPHABETALTERNATIVESAMBITIONAMERICANSAMUSEMENTSANCESTRYANIMALSANTICIPATIONANTIQUESAPARTMENTSAPPEARANCESAPPETITEAPPLAUSEARITHMETICARMIESART AND ARTISTSASTRONOMYAUTHORSAUTHORSHIPAUTOMOBILE TOURISTSAUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILINGAVIATIONBACHELORSBAGGAGEBALDNESSBANKS AND BANKINGBAPTISMBAPTISTSBARGAINSBASEBALLBATHS AND BATHINGBEAUTY, PERSONALBEGGINGBEQUESTSBETTINGBIBLE INTERPRETATIONBIGAMYBILLSBLUFFINGBOARD OF HEALTHBOARDING HOUSESBOASTINGBOLSHEVISMBOOKS AND READINGBOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLINGBOOMERANGSBOOSTINGBORROWERSBOSTONBOY SCOUTSBOYSBRIDESBROOKLYNBROTHERHOODBURBANKBUSINESSBUSINESS ENTERPRISEBUSINESS ETHICSBUSINESS WOMENCAMPAIGNSCANDIDATESCANDORCAPITAL AND LABORCARD INDEXCARELESSNESSCATALOGINGCAUSE AND EFFECTCAUTIONCHARACTERCHARITYCHEERFULNESSCHICKEN STEALINGCHILD LABORCHILDRENCHOICESCHRISTIAN SCIENTISTSCHRISTMAS GIFTSCHURCHCHURCH ATTENDANCECHURCH DISCIPLINECITIZENSCITY AND COUNTRYCIVICSCIVILIZATIONCLASS DISTINCTIONSCLEANLINESSCLERGYCLOTHINGCLUBSCOALCOFFEECOLLECTING OF ACCOUNTSCOLLECTION BOXCOLLEGE GRADUATESCOLLEGE STUDENTSCOLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIESCOMMITTEECOMMON SENSECOMMUNISMCOMMUTERSCOMPARISONSCOMPENSATIONCOMPETITIONCOMPLIMENTSCONCEITCONDUCTCONFESSIONSCONFIDENCESCONGRESSCONSCIENCECONSCRIPTIONCONSERVATIVESCONSOLATIONCONTENTMENTCONTRIBUTION BOXCONUNDRUMSCOOKERYCOOKSCOOPERATIONCORPULENCECORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLSCOSMOPOLITANISMCOST OF LIVINGCOUNTRY LIFECOURAGECOURTESYCOURTSCOURTSHIPCREDITCRIMECRITICISMCULTURECURESCURIOSITYCURRENT EVENTSCUSTOMDACHSHUNDSDAMAGESDANCINGDAYLIGHT SAVINGDEAD BEATSDEBTSDEGREESDEMAGOGDEMOCRACYDENTISTSDEPARTMENT STORESDESTINATIONDETECTIVESDETERMINATIONDIAGNOSISDILEMMASDININGDIPLOMACYDISARMAMENTDISCHARGEDISCIPLINEDISCOUNTSDISCRETIONDISPOSITIONDISTANCESDIVORCEDOCTORSDOGSDOMESTIC FINANCEDOMESTIC RELATIONSDREAMSDRINKINGDRUNKARDSDUTCHDYSPEPSIAEATINGECONOMYEDITORSEDUCATIONEFFICIENCYEGOTISMEINSTEINEMBARRASSING SITUATIONSEMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEESENEMIESENGLISH LANGUAGEENGLISHMENENTHUSIASMEPIGRAMSEPITAPHSEQUALITYETIQUETEUROPEAN WAREUROPEAN WAR—POEMSEVIDENCEEXAGGERATIONEXAMINATIONSEXCUSESEXECUTIVE ABILITYEXPENSESEXPERIENCEEXTRAVAGANCEFAILURESFAMEFAMILIESFARMINGFASHIONFATEFATHERSFAULTSFEESFICTIONFIGHTINGFINANCEFISHFISHERMENFISHINGFLATTERYFOODFOOD CONSERVATIONFOOLSFORDSFOREIGNERSFORESIGHTFORGETFULNESSFORTUNE HUNTERSFOUNTAIN PENSFRANKLINFREAKSFREE VERSEFREEDOM OF SPEECHFRENCH LANGUAGEFRIENDSFRIENDSHIPFUTUREFUTURE LIFEFUTURIST ARTGAMBLINGGARAGESGARDENINGGASGENEROSITYGENIUSGEOGRAPHYGERMANYGERMSGIFTSGIRLSGODGOLFGOSSIPGOVERNMENT OWNERSHIPGRATITUDEGUARANTEESHABITHADESHAPPINESSHASHHASTEHEAVENHELLHEREDITYHEROESHIGH COST OF LIVINGHINTINGHISTORYHOMEHOME BREWHOMELINESSHOMESICKHONESTYHORSESHOSPITALITYHOSPITALSHOTEL BIBLESHOTELSHOUSING PROBLEMHUNGERHUNTINGHURRYHUSBANDSHYPOCRISYHYSTERICS"IF"IGNORANCEILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONSIMITATIONIMMIGRANTSIMPUDENCEINCOME TAXINDUSTRYINFANTSINFLUENZAINHERITANCEINITIATIVEINSOMNIAINSTALMENT PLANINSURANCE, FIREINSURANCE, LIFEINTERVIEWSINVESTMENTSIRELANDIRISH BULLSIRISHMENJEWSJOKESJOURNALISMJUDGESJUDGMENTJURYJUSTICEKINDNESSKINGS AND RULERSKISSESKNOWLEDGELABOR AND CAPITALLABOR AND LABORING CLASSESLABOR-SAVING DEVICESLADIESLANGUAGESLAUGHTERLAUNDRYLAWSLAWYERSLAZINESSLEAGUE OF NATIONSLEAP YEARLEFT HANDEDNESSLEGISLATIONLEGISLATORSLEISURELIARSLIBERTY BONDSLIBRARIANSLIBRARIESLIESLIFELISPINGLOGICLONDONLOST AND FOUNDLOVELUCKMAGAZINESMAJORITYMARKSMANSHIPMARRIAGEMASCOTSMATHEMATICSMATRIMONYMEASURING INSTRUMENTSMEDALSMEDICAL ETHICSMEDICINEMEMORYMENMETHODISTSMIDDLEMANMILITARISMMILITARY DISCIPLINEMILKMILLENNIUMMILLINERSMILLIONAIRESMINISTERSMISERSMISTAKEN IDENTITYMISTAKESMONEYMONEY LENDERMORAL EDUCATIONMOSQUITOESMOTHERSMOTHERS' DAYMOTHERS-IN-LAWMOVING PICTURESMULESMUSHROOMSMUSICMUSICIANSNAMES, PERSONALNATIONALITYNATURAL LAWSNEGROESNEIGHBORSNEW JERSEYNEW YORK CITYNEWSBOYSNEWSPAPERS"NO"NOTHINGNURSESOBEDIENCEOBESITYOBITUARIESOCCUPATIONSOCEAN TRAVELOFFICE BOYSOFFICE-SEEKERSOFFICERSOLD AGEOLD CLOTHESOPPORTUNITYOPTIMISMORIGINALITYOSTRICHOUIJA BOARDPARENTSPARROTSPARTNERSHIPPEACEPEDESTRIANSPENMANSHIPPEPPERCENTAGEPERSISTENCEPERSUASIONPESSIMISMPHILADELPHIAPHILANTHROPISTSPHILOSOPHYPHYSICIANS AND SURGEONSPITTSBURGPLEASUREPOETRYPOETSPOLICEPOLITENESSPOLITICAL PARTIESPOLITICIANSPOLITICSPOSTAL SERVICEPOVERTYPRAISEPRAYERSPREACHINGPREJUDICEPREPAREDNESSPRESCRIPTIONSPRETENSIONPRICESPRIDEPRINTERSPRISONSPROFANITYPROFESSIONSPROFITEERSPROGRESSPROHIBITIONPROMOTERSPROMPTNESSPRONUNCIATIONPROPERTYPROPOSALSPROSPERITYPSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENTPSYCHOLOGYPUBLIC, THEPUBLIC SCHOOLSPUBLIC SPEAKERSPUBLISHERSPUNCTUALITYPUNCTUATIONPUNISHMENTPUNSPURGATORYQUAKERSQUESTIONSRADICALSRAILROADSREADINGREAL ESTATEREAL ESTATE AGENTSREALISMRECOMMENDATIONSRECRUITINGRED TAPEREGRETSRELATIVESRELIGIONSREMEDIESREMINDERSREPARTEEREPORTINGREPUTATIONREST CURERESTAURANTSRETALIATIONROADSROOSEVELT, THEODORERUINSRUMMAGE SALESSACRIFICESSAFETYSALARIESSALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIPSALVATIONSAVINGSCANDALSCHOLARSHIPSCHOOLSSCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENTSCOTCH, THESEASICKNESSSECRETSSELF-MADE MENSENATESENATORSSENSE OF HUMORSENTRIESSERMONSSERVANTSSERVICESERVICE STARSHOPPINGSIGHT SEEINGSIGNSSILENCESIMPLIFIED SPELLINGSINSINGERSSKEPTICSSLANGSMILESSMOKINGSNOBBERYSOCIALISTSSOCIETYSOCIOLOGYSOLDIERSSOUNDSOUVENIRSSPECULATIONSPEEDSPELLINGSPINSTERSSTAMMERINGSTAMPSSTATISTICSSTENOGRAPHERSSTOCK EXCHANGESTRATEGYSTREET-CARSSTRIKESSUBSTITUTESSUBURBSSUBWAYSSUCCESSSUITORSSUMMER RESORTSSUNDAYSUNDAY SCHOOLSSUPERSTITIONSURPRISESYMPATHYSYNONYMSTACTTALKERSTARDINESSTAXTEACHERSTEACHINGTEARSTELEGRAPHTELEPHONETEMPERTEMPERANCETEMPTATIONTEN COMMANDMENTSTHEATERTHERMOMETERTHIEVESTHRIFTTIDESTIMETIPSTOURISTSTRADETRADE MARKSTRADE UNIONSTRAMPSTRAVELERSTREESTRENCHESTROUBLETRUTHUMBRELLASUNEXPECTEDUNITED STATESVACATIONSVALUEVANITYVEGETARIANSVENTILATIONVOICEVOTINGWAGESWARWEALTHWEATHERWEDDINGSWELSHWESTMINSTER ABBEYWHISKYWIDOWSWINDOWSWISDOMWISHESWITNESSESWIVESWOMANWOMAN SUFFRAGEWOMAN'S RIGHTSWORKWORRYYOUTHZONESTEACHER—"What is an alibi?"◇BRIGHT Boy—"Being somewhere where you ain't."◇← ALARM CLOCKSALIMONY →