Act 2 — BEFORE THE JUSTICE OF THE PEACE.

By GORBOUNÒV.

(The Justice’s Court. Before the table stand two shopmen from the Apràksin market.)

The Justice of the Peace. You are accused of smearing mustard on the face of a waiter in the hotel Yàgodka.

First Defendant. We had a lark—that’s true enough.

Justice. You broke the mirror.

70First Defendant. There—all that’s paid for, and we have given the boy his due.

Justice. Then you acknowledge yourselves guilty?

First Defendant. Guilty? What have I done wrong? If I pay my money down——

Justice. You were together?

Second Defendant. Yes, your honour.

Justice. Do you acknowledge yourself guilty?

Second Defendant. Certainly not!

Justice. It is stated in the accusation that you——

Second Defendant. I dare say! I’d write you all the accusations you like for 2¾d.

Justice. I cannot permit you to express yourself in this manner.

Second Defendant. I wasn’t expressing anything at all!

Justice (to witness). State what happened.

Witness. I dun’no wot ever money they’re a-talkin’ about—I never got no money! They jes’ come in, an’ they was pretty well screwed, both on ’em, an’ they ordered a stew, an’ a big decanter, an’ then a bottle o’ sherry. So when they got very tight, they began blusterin’ away——

First Defendant. If I smeared your ugly face——

Justice. Silence!

First Defendant. Cert’nly sir, only he’s tellin’ a pack of lies!

Advocate. I beg permission to put a question to the witness.

Justice. Who are you?

Advocate. Retained for the defence.

Justice. Afterwards.

Witness. Well, they was blusterin’ away, an’ then they set to an’ began a-cruelly ill-usin’ o’ me.

Justice. How “ill-using”?

Witness. By the air o’ the ‘ed, y’r worship.

Justice. Which of them?

71Witness. Why, them there, both on ’em.

First Defendant. That’s all rot.

Advocate. I beg permission to put a question to the witness.

Justice. I told you—afterwards.

Witness. Well, then they begins smearin’ o’ mustard all over me. One gent as was in the coffee-room, he up an’ says, “This is dis—graceful,” says ‘e; and they told ’im, “We’ve paid our money down.”

Justice. Is this a true account?

First Defendant. Maybe; I was screwed pretty tight; I don’t quite recollect. But, even if we did smear him a bit, what’s there to make such a fuss about? It wasn’t turpentine we smeared him with—and then, besides, we paid our money down for it. Well, it’s all one to me; I’ll say “guilty,” if you like.

Justice (to Second Defendant). And you?

Second Defendant. We keep to our former statement.

Advocate. May I speak now?

Justice. You may.

Advocate. May it please y’r worship! The heartfelt repentance brought into court, in accordance with the new statute, dimin’shes.... The law permits of moral conviction, and I therefore beg you to judge my client by moral conviction. I deny—a—any guilt in this case. I have long served in the Administrash’n of Benevo——

Justice. Excuse me. In what condition are you?

Advocate. I beg y’r p—pard’n?

Justice. In what condition have you come here?

Advocate. In w w-what con-d-dish’n?

Justice. I must fine you three roubles. Please to leave the Court.

Advocate. Prompt, just, and merciful.

72