Volume 153 — THE BALLAD OF JONES'S BLIGHTY.
Reading edition
There are some men who dwell for years Within the battle's hem, Almost impervious, it appears, To shot or stratagem; Some well-intentioned sprite contrives By hook or crook to save their lives (It also keeps them from their wives), And Jones was one of them. The hugest bolts of Messrs. KRUPP Hissed harmless through his hair; The Bosch might blow his billet up, But he would be elsewhere; And if with soul-destroying thud A monstrous Minnie hit the mud, The thing was sure to be a dud If only Jones was there. Men envied him his scatheless skin, But he deplored the fact, And day by day, from sheer chagrin, He did some dangerous act; He slew innumerable Huns, He captured towns, he captured guns; His friends went home with Blighty ones, But he remained intact. We had a horse of antique shape, Mild and of mellowed age, And, after some unique escape, Which made him mad with rage, On this grave steed Jones rode away... They bore him back at break of day, And Jones is now with Mrs. J.— The convalescent stage. The world observed the chance was droll That sent so mild a hack To smite the invulnerable soul Whom WILLIAM could not whack; But spiteful folk remarked, of course, He must have used terrific force Before he got that wretched horse To throw him off its back. A.P.H.
Another Impending Apology.
"Many coolies of the savage tribes from the hilly places, who have been enlisted for the labour corps, were seen passing this town by train lately. Some had too few clothes. Our late Chief Secretary, the Hon'ble Mr. ——, was seen among them."—Times of Assam.
"All can sympathise with Mr. —— and his teetotal party in deploring the excesses of 'liquor' of any description, and the vice, want and misery it brings in its course. But we cannot for a single moment listen to their selfish and pitiful beatings, when we know that if their methods were carried out through the land it would people our beloved country with a virile race of effete degenerates."—Provincial Paper.
"Virile" is good, and should encourage the teetotalers to proceed with their "beatings."
German Cavalry in (and out of) Action.
"'Polybe,' writing in the Figaro, estimates the German losses at 20,000 horse de combat on the first day of the battle."—Local Paper.
"Following the Franco-German war an epidemic of smallpox raged throughout Europe, which was not checked until Jenner's famous vaccination discovery."—Liverpool Echo.
It is sad to think that JENNER's discovery, made in 1796, should have remained dormant till after 1870.
"Mr. Gerard's reminiscences have caused much perturbation in German Court circles."—Daily Paper.
Little scraps of paper, Little drops of ink Make the KAISER caper And the Nations think.
"A money prize offered to boys at Barcombe, Suxxes, for killing cabbage butterflies resulted in over 4,000 insects being destroyed. The winner, Victor King, accounted for 1,395."—Liverpool Echo.
We congratulate him on his Suxxes.
"One new thing he [Mr. HENDERSON] disclosed was that in his pervious statement that carried the Conference to the Stockholm vote, &c."—Daily Mail.
As "pervious," according to WEBSTER, means "capable of being seen through," we think the printer is to be congratulated.
BREAKING IT UP.
Member of Committee (interviewing candidate for training for farm work). "AND ARE YOU FOND OF ANIMALS—HORSES AND COWS?"
Candidate. "WELL, NO—NOT VERY."
Member of Committee. "BUT I'M AFRAID THAT'S RATHER NECESSARY."
Candidate (brightly resolute). "OH, BUT I SHOULD TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT THEM."