Where the Old Maids Come in.

"Do you know, sir," inquired an American tourist of his companion, while doing England, "can you inform me the reason for the fresh, healthful appearance of the English people? Their complexion is far superior to ours, or our countrymen over the herring pond."

"Well, I know what Prof. Huxley says."

"And what reason does he advance?"

"Well, Huxley says it is owing to the old maids."

"Owing to old maids! You surprise me."

"Fact. Huxley figures it out this way. Now, you know the English are very fond of roast beef."

"But what has that to do with old maids?"

"Go slow. This genuine English beef is the best and most nutritious beef in the world, and it imparts a beautiful complexion."

"Well, about the old maids?"

"Yes, you see the excellence of this English beef is due exclusively to red clover. Do you see the point?"

"All but the old maids. They are still hovering in the shadows."

"Why, don't you see? This red clover is enriched, sweetened, and fructified by bumble bees."

"But where do the old maids come in?" said the inquisitive American, wiping his brow wearily.

"Why, it is as plain as the nose on your face. The only enemy of the bumble bee is the field-mouse."

"But what have roast beef, red clover, bumble-bees, and field-mice got to do with old maids?"

"Why, you must be very obtuse. Don't you perceive that the bumble-bees would soon become exterminated by the field-mice if it were not for—"

"Old maids?"

"No, if it were not for cats, the old maids of Old England keep the country thoroughly stocked up with cats, and so we can directly trace the effects of the rosy English complexions to the benign cause of English old maids, at least that's what Huxley says about it, and that's just where the old maids come in. Science makes clear many mysterious things."

"Those picture cards I brought back from Boston," remarked Mrs. Partington, in a pensive mood. "They are momentums of the Art Loan Imposition."

Don't give up in despair, girls. Naomi didn't marry until she was five hundred and eighty years old—and then she was sorry she hadn't waited a century longer.

"Is you gwine to get an overcoat this winter?" asked a darkey of a companion. "Well I dunno how dat's gwine to be," was the reply. "I'se done got my eye on a coat, but de fellah dat owns it keeps his eye on it too."

Her nephew had just come home from his day school. "What have you been learning this morning?" asked Mrs. Ramsbottom. "Mythology, aunt," answered the little man, "all about the heathen gods and goddesses." "Then I must brush up my memory," said Mrs. Ramsbottom, "and ask you a question or two. Now, first, who was Juniper?"

"What is a limited monarchy, Johnny?" "Well, my idea of a limited monarchy is, where the ruler don't have much to rule." "Give an example?" "An example! Lemme see! Well, if you was bossin' yourself, for instance."

It was at the close of the wedding breakfast. One of the guests arose, and, glass in hand, said: "I drink to the health of the bridegroom. May he see many days like this." The intention was good, but the bride looked as though something had displeased her.

Illinois Central Railroad.

The elegant equipment of coaches and sleepers being added to its various through routes is gaining it many friends. Its patrons fear no accidents. Its perfect track of steel, and solid road-bed, are a guarantee against them.

The Prairie Farmer AND Youth's Companion One Year, $3 for the two.

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Address Prairie Farmer Pub. Co., 150 Monroe Street, Chicago.

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give to the writer full information as to the best lands in the United States now for sale; how he can

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SCALES.

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Every Scale Guaranteed by the Manufacturers, and by Us, to be Perfect, and to give the Purchaser Satisfaction.

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2-Ton Wagon or Farm Scale (Platform 6 × 12 feet), $35; 3-Ton (7 × 13), $45; 5-Ton (8 × 14), $55. Beam Box, Brass Beam, Iron Levers, Steel Bearings, and full directions for setting up.

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The Housekeeper's Scale—$4.00

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POP CORN.

Warehouses{115, 117 & 119 Kinzie St.

{104, 106, 108 & 110 Michigan St.

Office. 115 Kinzie St. CHICAGO, ILL.