A LOVE SONG OF THE MONEY-MARKET
Reading edition
I will not ask thee to be mine, Because I love thee far too well; Ah! what I feel, who thus resign All hope in life, no words can tell. Only the dictate I obey Of deep affection's strong excess, When, dearest, in despair, I say Farewell to thee and happiness. Thy face, so tranquil and serene, To see bedimmed I could not bear, Pinched with hard thrift's expression mean, Disfigured with the lines of care, I could not brook the day to see When thou would'st not, as thou hast now, Have all those things surrounding thee That light the eye and smooth the brow. Thou wilt smile calmly at my fear That want would e'er approach our door; I know it must to thee appear A melancholy dream: no more. Wilt thou not be with riches blest? Is not my fortune ample too? Must I not, therefore, be possessed, To feel that dread, of devils blue? Alas! my wealth, that should maintain, My bride in glory and in joy, Is built on a foundation vain, Which soon a tempest will destroy. Yes, yes, an interest high, I know My capital at present bears; But in a moment it may go: It is invested all in shares. The company is doomed to fall, Spreading around disaster dire, I hear that the directors all Are rogues—the greatest rogue thy sire! Go—seek a happier, wiser mate, Who had the wit to be content With the returns of his estate, And with Consols at three per cent!
The Feast of all Fools.—More than is good for them.
The "Lap" of Luxury.—Genuine milk in London.
Dish for Diddled Shareholders.—Bubble and squeak.
Science Gossip.—"A City Clerk and a Naturalist" asks whether there is not a bird called the ditto ditto. Is he not thinking of our old acquaintance, the do-do?
How to Make Money.—Get a situation in the Mint.—Economist.
Strange Coin.—Forty odd pounds!
The Momentous Question.
Paterfamilias (who is just beginning to feel himself at home in his delightfully new suburban residence) interrupts the wife of his bosom. "'Seaside!' 'Change of air!!' 'Out of town!!!' What nonsense, Anna Maria! Why, good gracious me! what on earth can you want to be going 'out of town' for, when you've got such a garden as this!"
SUGGESTIVE
Dissipated Ballad Howler. "Sweet spirit, 'ear my prayer!"
A Corrector of the Press.—A policeman at a crowded crossing.
Never on its Legs.—The most constant faller in the metropolis: the Strand, because it is always being picked up.
The Markets.—There was a good deal of liveliness in hops, and a party of strangers, who seemed to act together, took off the contents of all the pockets they could lay hold of. There was little doing in corn, and what barley came in was converted into barley-water for a large consumer. Peas were distributed freely in small samples through the market, by means of tin tubes; and as usual there was a good deal of roguery in grain, which it was found necessary to guard against.
The Fortnightly Review.—The account day on the Stock Exchange.
A Regular Make-shift.—The sewing machine.
City Intelligence.—We read, in a great aldermanic authority, that "a dinner is on the tapis." The tapis alluded to is, of course, Gob'lin?
THE RESULT OF CARELESS BILL-POSTING
A SKETCH NEAR PICCADILLY
MADAME CHRYSANTHÈME
(With apologies to "Pierre Loti.")
A Satisfactory Explanation.
Mrs. Griddleton. What are those square things, coachman, you put over the poor horse's eyes?
Driver. Blinkers, ma'am.
Mrs. G. Why do you put them on, coachman?
Driver. To prevent the 'orse from blinking, ma'am.
[Inquiry closed.
Inscription for Street Letter-boxes.—"From Pillar to Post."
HOW THE TRUTH LEAKS OUT!
Scene—Hyde Park. Time: Five o'clock.
Friend. Any news? Anything in the papers?
Government Clerk. Can't say. Haven't been to the office to-day, my boy.
Why should a chimney-sweeper be a good whist player? Because he's always following soot.
Business.—Inquirer (drawing up prospectus). Shall I write "Company" with a big C?
Honest Broker. Certainly, if it's a sound one, as it represents "Company" with a capital.
"Shave, or hair cut, sir?"
"Corns, you fool!"
NOT FOR JOSEPH!
PROOF POSITIVE
Old Lady. "Do they sell good 'sperrits' at this 'ouse, mister?"
'Spectable-looking Man (But—). "Mos' d'schid'ly, look't (hic) me, mad'm—for shev'n p'nsh a'penny!!"
The Sinking Fund.—The Royal Humane Society's income.
Shrewd Suggestion.—It often happens, when the husband fails to be home to dinner, that it is one of his fast days.
The School of Adversity.—A ragged school.
Never Waste your Time.—Waste somebody else's.
Men of the Time.—Chronometer makers.
A Man in Advance of his Time.—One who has been knocked into the middle of next week.
The Deaf Man's Paradise.—The Audit Office.
Site for a Ragged School.—Tattersall's.
Stuff and Nonsense.—A City Banquet, and the speeches after it.
ZOOLOGY
"That's a porkypine, Sarah."
"No, it ain't, Bill. It's a orstridge!"
The Fish Market.
Flounders were of course flat, but to the surprise of everyone they showed an inclination to come round towards the afternoon, and there were one or two transactions in whelks, but they were all of a comparatively insignificant character. Lobsters' claws were lazy at the opening, but closed heavily; and those who had a hand in them would gladly have been released if such a course had been possible.
"The Best Policy."—That with the largest bonus.
False Quantity.—Short measure.
AN UNUSUAL FLOW OF SPIRITS
Consolation Stakes.—Those you get at a City tavern the day after you have tried to eat the article at home.
A Horrible Business.
Master Butcher. "Did you take old Major Dumbledore's ribs to No. 12?" Boy. "Yes, sir." Master Butcher. "Then, cut Miss Wiggles's shoulder and neck, and hang Mr. Foodle's legs until they're quite tender!"
Little Girl (to Newsvendor, from whom she has just purchased the latest war special). "'Ere's your paper! Father says, if you don't mind 'e 'd rather 'ave the bill, 'cos there's more news in it."
Old Lady (from the country). "Well, I never! And to think burglary should have become a regular respectable trade!"
A Speculator's Apology.—You can't make the pot boil without bubbles.
Table-Turning.—Looking for a train in Bradshaw.
ARMS FOR THE PROPOSED NEW WEST-END STOCK EXCHANGE
(To be placed over the principal entrance.)
On a chevron vert, a pigeon plucked proper, between three rooks peckant, clawed and beaked gules. Crest: a head Semitic grimnant, winkant, above two pipes laid saltier-wise, argent, environed with a halo of bubbles or. Supporters: a bull and bear rampant sable, dented, hoofed and clawed gules. Motto: "Let us prey."
A Sensitive Plant.
"What, back in town already, old chappie?"
"Yes, old chappie. Couldn't stand the country any longer. Cuckoo gave me the headache!"