THE BETTER THE DAY, THE BETTER THE TALK!

BROAD-STARES

Scene—Any fashionable Watering-place where "Church Parade" is a recognised institution.

Time—Sunday, 1 p.m. Enter Brown and Mrs. Brown, who take chairs.

Mrs. Brown. Good gracious! Look another way! Those odious people, the Stiggingses, are coming towards us!

Brown. Why odious? I think the girls rather nice.

Mrs. B. (contemptuously). Oh, you would, because men are so easily taken in! Nice, indeed! Why, here's Major Buttons.

B. (moving his head sharply to the right). Don't see him! Can't stand the fellow! I always avoid him at the Club!

Mrs. B. Why? Soldiers are always such pleasant men.

B. (contemptuously). Buttons a soldier! Years ago he was a Lieutenant in a marching regiment, and now holds honorary rank in the Volunteers! Soldier, indeed! Bless me! here's Mrs. Fitz-Flummery—mind you don't cut her.

Mrs. B. Yes, I shall; the woman is unsupportable. Did you ever see such a dress. And she has changed the colour of her hair—again!

CURLEW

B. Whether she has or hasn't, she looks particularly pleasing.

Mrs. B. (drily). You were always a little eccentric in your taste! Why, surely there must be Mr. Pennyfather Robson. How smart he looks! Where can he have come from?

B. The Bankruptcy Court! (Drily.) You were never particularly famous for discrimination. As I live, the Plantagenet Smiths!

[He bows with effusion.

Mrs. B. And the Stuart Joneses. (She kisses her hand gushingly). By the way, dear, didn't you say that the Plantagenet Smiths were suspected of murdering their uncle before they inherited his property?

ROW ME O!

B. So it is reported, darling. And didn't you tell me, my own, that the parents of Mr. Stuart Jones were convicts before they became millionaires?

Mrs. B. So I have heard, loved one. (Starting up.) Come, Charley, we must be off at once! The Goldharts! If they catch us, she is sure to ask me to visit some of her sick poor!

B. And he to beg me to subscribe to an orphanage or a hospital! Here, take your prayer-book, or people won't know that we have come from church!

[Exeunt hurriedly.

At Scarborough.—Miss Araminta Dove. Why do they call this the Spa?

Mr. Rhino-Ceros. Oh! I believe the place was once devoted to boxing exhibitions.

[Miss A.D. as wise as ever.

"BY THE SAD SEA WAVES"

Landlady (who has just presented her weekly bill). "I 'ope, ma'am, as you find the bracing hair agree with you, ma'am, and your good gentleman, ma'am!"

Lady. "Oh, yes, our appetites are wonderfully improved! For instance, at home we only eat two loaves a day, and I find, from your account, that we can manage eight!"

[Landlady feels uncomfortable.

RATHER DIFFICULT

"Oh, I say, here comes that dismal bore, Bulkley! Let's pretend we don't see him!"

PESSIMISM

Artist (irritated by the preliminaries of composition and the too close proximity of an uninteresting native). "I think you needn't wait any longer. There's really nothing to look at just now."

Native. "Ay, an' I doot there'll never be muckle to look at there!"