Volume 3 — Questions and Answers
Reading edition
Dear Captain Billy—I am a young man, fifteen years old, and I am going with two girls, one fourteen and the other twenty-seven. Do you think it possible to love both of them at the same time?—Willie Bohy.
No, Willie, not if they know it.
* * *
Dear Cap’n Bill—When the silverware for your meal consists of more than three pieces, which side do you start on, the right or left?—Konnick Essen.
Start at either side, Konnick, but be sure and have one piece left for the dessert.
* * *
Dear Capt. Bill—Of late I have been having trouble with my lungs and thought perhaps you could suggest a remedy.—Ada Clock.
Dear Ada—Merely open a window and throw out your chest.
* * *
Dear Capt. Billy—Please give us the definition of Booster, also Knocker.—Isin Yet Tu.
A Booster is a man with something to sell, and a Knocker is one who bought some of it.
* * *
Dear Capt. Billy—What is the difference between a dawnce and a dance?—Iowa Bill.
The difference between a dawnce and a dance is one dollar and fifty cents and three fights.
* * *
Dear Capt. Billy—What is a goblet?—Frank Furter.
A small sailor.
* * *
Dear Capt. Bill—My little boy has worms; what would you suggest?—Alvie.
Feed him fish, fish like worms.
* * *
Dear Capt. Billy—Percy, my sixteen-year-old son, says his greatest ambition is to sing tenor in a glee club. What shall I do?—Worried Mama.
The case is hopeless. You never should have named him Percy.
* * *
Dear Doctor Bill—One night at a party I met a fellow and he had to escort me home. When we got to a dark place he pushed me into a mud puddle and ran. Do you think he loves me?—Sis Hopkins.
There can be no question of it.
* * *
Dear Captain Whiz Bang—I very much enjoy hunting, but also believe in the protection of wild animal life. What shall I do?—Daniel Boone of Kokomo.
Always use blank cartridges.
* * *
Dear Capt. Billy—Since I enrolled at the University, I have heard the girls talking about dates. Tell me what a date is and how to acquire them.—Iowa Girl.
Dates grow in Palestine, Arabia, and other Oriental countries. They also flourish on the walls of telephone booths and in pool halls. Send me your picture and you will hear from me soon or I will return the picture.
* * *
Dear Capt. Billy—Can you recommend a stiff drink?—Bill Eltinge.
Embalming fluid.
* * *
Dear Capt. Billy—What is your idea of an ideal job?—Abie Friedman.
Pork inspector for the City of Jerusalem.
* * *
Dear Capt. Billy—What fish does a girl like most?—A. John.
Her ring.
* * *
Dear Capt. Billy—Do you believe in reincarnation?—Havana Eggie.
Can’t say as I do. However, should I ever be reincarnated my hopes are to be either a colored man or a Hebrew. A colored man, you know, doesn’t want anything much and a Hebrew usually has all he wants.
* * *
They called the baby Fish-hooks—it was such a “catchy” name.
* * *
The Ace of Tragedies
“It was in the spring of 1896,” related the grizzled veteran of the Yarn-Stretcher’s Club, according to the London Post, “that I was out in the Wild West. I was on a jury that was trying a man for homicide. I hated to think of the fellow being hanged, so I stuck out against the other eleven jurymen for five solid days and nights. My obstinacy was rewarded. One by one they gave in, and we returned into Court and returned a verdict of ‘Not Guilty.’ The only thing that spoiled my satisfaction with the result was that some of the citizens had lynched the prisoner the first day we were locked up.”
And he sighed, reminiscently, as he took another gulp of his whisky-and-soda.
* * *
Toole’s Best One
Small boy (handing grocer two cents)—“I want two cents’ worth of bananas.”
“We have no bananas,” said the grocer, not wanting to monkey with two cents.
“What’s them?” said the boy, pointing to a bunch of bananas.
“Pineapples,” the grocer replied.
“Well, gimme two cents’ worth of pineapples.”
* * *
Southern Hospitality
Does you all like yore entatanment wit or witout?
* * *
Walking with a Purpose
I love to walk.
Last Sunday I took the most wonderful stroll.
I went for quite some distance through the park, thoroughly enjoying every breath of the cool, crisp air. I felt like a new man as I hastened onward, increasing my speed at every step. I walked on and on, drinking in the beauty of all about me. It was wonderful.
Finally I picked her up.
* * *
Coffin Nail Epitaph
Here lies my good friend Willie Betts; His age was ten— Cigarettes.
* * *
Our Monthly Proverb
A stitch in time gathers no moss.
* * *
In the vernacular of the Bowery,
“DE OILY BOID CATCHES DE WOIM.”
* * *
A Warning to Flappers
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, all good girlies go to Heaven, 8, 9, 10, e-leven, 12, all bad girlies don’t.
* * *
Our Latest Song Hit
“A Cat Has Nine Lives, But a Bull Frog Croaks Every Night.”
* * *
Our Chestnut Rack
Two Irishmen held up a Scotchman, who had put up a terrific battle, but finally was overcome. After the two Irishmen had gotten Sandy’s pocketbook, which was tied up with a stout string, they ran away.
Unwinding the string and poking his fingers into the corners of the thing, Pat finally located a solitary five cent piece. Looking at it a moment in silence, he turned to his companion and said, “My gausch, Mike, suppose he’d had a dime, he would have killed both of us.”
* * *
Here’s to the good old sea gull, That cleans up Frisco’s Bay; With a tummy full of sardines He flies to San Jose.
* * *
To Molly of Havana
Mia Mamacita, she’s una grande fool; She makes me hot tamale, Then sets it out to cool.
* * *
Our Monthly Motto
“A girl in your arms is worth two on the ’phone.”
* * *
“Did you hear the joke about the spoiled mulligan?”
“No.”
“’Stoo bad, ’stoo bad.”
* * *
Motorcycle Mike
Mike and Pat went motorcycle riding one evening. All of a sudden they had a collision. Two hours later Pat recovered consciousness in a hospital and learned that Mike had been killed.
“He should have been dead long ago,” remarked Pat, wryly, “he saw two bright lights ahead of him and the dang fool said to me: ‘Watch me sneak through there.’”
* * *
At Havana Races
The old sport stood on a grand stand chair, There was muck in his whiskers and coots in his hair, But his voice rang out in the afternoon air: “She’ll win in a walk, bejabers.” “She’s from blue blooded stock—can’t go slow, Out of Black Bess by Hungry Joe; Their money’s on her—those who know, For she’ll win in a walk, bejabers. “She got off behind—at the turn was third Worked up to second, then slipped like a bird Fell in a ditch, when hit by the switch, And she wasn’t in it, bejabers.”
* * *
Pardon Me—
“I beg your pardon,” cried the convict as the governor passed his cell.
* * *
I wish I was the Warden’s daughter.
How come?
There’s always men hangin’ around.
* * *
“My wife’s tongue is so long she doesn’t have to use a towel to wash her face.”
* * *
The Traveling Man
I register, most any old hotel, some bug cage, fire trap with glue plant smell. In darkened hall I seek the number on the door, and find the bed—a sea of tumbled rags, used many nights before. And often I must lend my aid to drowsy, hook-worm chambermaid, who spreads and shakes and smoothes and tucks and toils and sweats to make it well—then I jump in and tear it all t’ell!
* * *
They were always happy until a stranger wrecked their lives, For she went back to the laundry, and he went back to his wife.
* * *
Song of Newlywed
I must go home tonight, Oh, I must go home tonight, I don’t care if it’s snowing, Blowing, I’m going, I got married only this morning, And it fills me with delight, I’ll stay out as long as you want next week, But I must go home tonight.
* * *
For verily he that sitteth upon a toad stool shall arise again.
* * *
“Might as well hitch my wagon to a star,” said the drunken teamster, as he passed his rope around the lamp-post.
* * *
What Is All the Noise About?
The barber is shaving himself.
But why the argument?
He is trying to talk himself into having a massage.
* * *
Blank Verse
He had worked six months In a ship yard, And was worried For fear they would hurt The baby, The day of the Baptism When they hit him, Over the head with the bottle.
* * *
He went in to church the first time and they threw water on him; the second trip they threw rice on him; the third time was the charm; they threw dirt on him.
* * *
Back Porch Cross Fire
“Fire, Fire,” said Mrs. McGuire.
“Where, Where?” said Mrs. Blair.
“Downtown,” said Mrs. Brown.
“S’ help us and save us,” said Mrs. Davis.
* * *
The Penalty
Between women and wine A man is not so smart, For wine makes his headache, And women his heart.
* * *
I never looked up my family tree but I know that I’m the sap.
* * *
’Twas Sweet of Her
“Sweetheart,” gushed his bride, “the grocery stores were all closed today, and—”
“I suppose I don’t get any dinner,” he cut in, eyeing his true love hungrily.
“No, my darling,” she gurgled, “the confectionery was open, and I’ve made you some nourishing jelly bean soup.”
* * *
In the Army
He missed on four, Crapped out on six, Put in his own dice, And hit twenty licks.
* * *
We went to a fair the other evening for the benefit of the church and took chances on everything but did not win a prize. About twelve o’clock, as I was leaving a friend told me to stick around and I did for an hour and one o’clock.
* * *
Wild Guy
Clarence is a devilish boy, He loves his sarsaparilla, He drank two bottles yesterday Then smashed his umbrella.
* * *
Boo Hoo, Blooey
She—When I die you’ll never find another woman like me.
He—Well, you can take it from me, I’m not going to try.