Volume 3 — Knickerbocker Spice

New York is so dull in comparison with the Hollywood film colony, with its mad quest for joy at any cost, that we are rather ashamed to present the more or less dull events of the month.

The once-so-gay film parties—alas—are very circumspect these days. Although a recent one nearly resulted in newspaper headlines. It seems that the affair was given in honor of a star on a visit from the coast. Said star’s younger brother brought along a feminine friend who imbibed the stuff that Mr. Volstead thought he had absolutely prohibited. Probably it wasn’t exactly the stuff, for the lady became violently ill. With memories of the Arbuckle episode before them, the guests hastily departed. The visitor recovered but the party was as ruined as the heroine in the old-time melodrama.

* * *

Most of the screen players seem to be planning to go abroad. Nobody can tell exactly when one’s letters or telegrams or something may be unearthed after some quiet little informal murder in Hollywood. Here we might add that the vogue for monogrammed nighties has completely disappeared.

We can’t exactly blame anyone for going, not when we hear of the giddy, carefree life on the other side—if you have the necessary wherewithall. For instance, a chap just back from Paris told me the other day of the Bal des Quatz Arts, the annual student art revel of the Latin Quarter.

Tickets are hard to get, for the real Quarter inhabitants decline to let it develop into a sightseeing affair. However, a friend secured the tickets and the two chaps invited a duo of pretty little models of the studios. Everyone was supposed to go in Carthaginian costume—whatever that is. The Americans secured attire claimed by the renters to be strictly 100 per cent Carthaginian and then they went around after the models. Mimi and Fleurette were waiting when they drew up in one of those queer Paris taxis. And Mimi and Fleurette were attired in conventional cloaks. Dainty dance slippers gleamed from beneath. The Americans had been wondering what a feminine Carthaginian costume would be and they were disappointed—momentarily.

Mimi and Fleurette expressed hunger on reaching the hall and the Americans gallantly proferred a supper invitation. Imagine their surprise when Mimi and Fleurette tossed aside their cloaks and revealed that their costumes were simple golden belts. Nor were the feminine costumes of other young women in and about the two models any more elaborate.

Later, at the ball itself, the Americans found reproductions of famous statuary groups posed by living models, the elect of the studios. It goes without saying that the statuary later came to life and danced with the others all night.

The ball concluded with a beauty contest. And it was a real beauty contest, for there were none of the advantages or camouflages provided by the modiste. “Not even a beaded eyelash was permitted as a costume,” my friend tells me. The festivities concluded when everyone went out on the boulevard and plunged into a nearby fountain. After that the Carthaginians retired to their studios and garrets. A pleasant time was had by all.

Yes, Paris has its attractions. Ruby de Remer, the famous screen beauty, has just returned from that piquant village with trunks and trunks of black negligee, the latest vogue in France. You should have viewed those gleaming black robes de nuit!

* * *

Another tale we hear is of a lavish and decorative nest belonging to a well known manager and located beneath his theater in New York. The place is beautifully furnished with treasures from the Continent and Asia. Divans of fabulous value adorn the place. So do incense burners from the Far East, tapestries that date back to the middle ages and jeweled keepsakes that may have belonged to rajahs. Back of the place is a modern kitchen, where suppers are prepared for the manager’s guests. It is all very atmospheric— But words fail us. We leave you to draw your own picture. Soft music, soft divans, soft viands....

* * *

Then there’s Erich von Stroheim’s million dollar movie, “Foolish Wives,” for instance. This has been a picture after the censors’ own heart. The hero is a degenerate Russian count who drinks perfume, lives with two pretty adventuresses, ru-u-ins a serving maid, tries to capture an American ambassador’s wife and is only prevented by a fire, and ends by being killed when he climbs into the bedroom of a half-witted peasant girl. The ambassador’s wife, by the way, leaps from a balcony to escape the fire and has the first premature baby ever noted in the films. You can imagine how the censors tackled this material.

The baby must have puzzled them. They apparently are found on the back porch—or somewhere. The censors didn’t seem to know what to do about it, for the premature child was shown at the film premiere. Later it disappeared.

The producers themselves cut some 200,000 feet out of von Stroheim’s original negative to get the story down to these ornate essentials. It is said that someone has offered the producers $50,000 for the cut out portions, with a view towards showing them in sections of Europe and South America where the cinema flickers can’t be too strong for ’em.

* * *

The theatrical events have not been at all intriguing. The stage year, which started with such a sprightly trend that police intervention not only seemed likely but actually occurred, has petered out to a mild termination. Even a reformer wouldn’t be horrified at anything among the late events—at least not much.

Of course, there was Lillian Lorraine’s return, after we had read columns and columns about her paralysis from an injured or broken spine. In “The Blue Kitten” Lillian wears costumes that reveal her spinal column to be in fine form to the last vertibrae.

* * *

A Problem in Figures

* * *

I’m not the soda jerker in this drug store, madam, I’m the head bartender.

* * *

He—I dreamed I proposed to a beautiful girl.

Dizzy Blonde—What did I say.

* * *

John D.’s Art

“Have you an oil painting of John D. Rockefeller?”

“No, ma’am, no one has. He has never been done in oil.”

* * *

Ay, There’s the Rub

* * *

“Waiter,” growled a customer, “I should like to know the meaning of this! Yesterday I was served with a portion of pudding twice the size of this.”

“Indeed, sir!” replied the waiter. “Where did you sit?”

“By the window,” answered the customer.

“Oh, that explains it!” said the waiter. “We always give the people at the window a large helping. It’s a good advertisement!”

* * *

College Humor

He (trying to make conversation)—“Have you many fast friends?”

She (Indignantly)—“Sir! I’m not that kind of a girl.”

* * *

Purple Cow’s Best One

Cleo—“When Bill danced with me last night he kept letting his hand slip down my back.”

Patricia—“I hope you rebuked him.”

Cleo—“I did; I told him to keep it up.”

* * *

“Liza, what fo’ yo’ buy dat odder box of shoe blackin’?”

“Go on, nigga’, dat ain’t shoe blackin’; dat’s ma massage cream.”

* * *

Flamingo

(Dennison University.)

* * *

That sure is horse meat they serve in that restaurant.

Why, how do you know?

Well, I ordered a steak and just as I took a bite some teamster on the street hollered “Whoa” and that meat stuck right in my throat.

* * *

Was the dance a success?

Yes, roughly speaking.

* * *

Froth reports a successful banquet at a University of Pennsylvania fraternity house. A couple of the alumni were revenue officers.

* * *

Manicure Story

“There is a divinity that shapes our ends, rough-hew them as we may.”

* * *

Let Us Sing

Put away the tweezers till our eyebrows meet again.

* * *

“Fleeced again,” said the lamb, as he kicked at the high top boots.

* * *

* * *

Stevie has a stiff job. He’s working at the morgue.

* * *

“I could live on limburger cheese alone.”

“You’d have to.”

* * *

* * *

Old maids always imagine there is a man in the house at night. But married women know better.

* * *

Good Morning, Eve!

So Eve looked over her shoulder at the Serpent and said, “I’d take your Juicy Fruit if you weren’t so wrigley.”

* * *

Our Monthly Motto

Love one woman at a time, all children, and some men.

* * *

I ran into a girl with my Ford—made a hit—so I picked her up.

* * *

Pete and I had quite an argument the other day which we’ll let our readers settle. He insisted that there were more women than men married last year.

* * *

Another Soap Song

* * *

Wife—Jakey! Jakey! dars a burgular under the bed.

Jakey—Sh-Sh-s-s-s, not a word; ve vill charge him for the night’s lodging.

* * *

“Golightly” Morrill writes that the girls in Egypt have plenty of speed but no control.

* * *

When I got off the train at Miami the red cap was assuring—“Carry yo’ bag, Boss? Never bus’ a bottle yet.”

* * *

Add Fairy Tales

“I was so lonesome, dear, while you were away that I went to bed every night at nine o’clock.”

* * *

The Psychology Test

Puppet prints for the first time the results of the astounding psychological tests recently made by Prof. Ivan Awful Line, for Puppet. Anyone giving good reasons why these answers are correct will be awarded the Helium Medal for irresponsibles, the Sacred Cross of the Pink Polecats and the Ragged Ribbon of the Remingtons.

First Question. What would you do if you found yourself in an airtight room containing a mad dog, a rattlesnake and a pair of sleigh-bells?

Answer. Invariably you would grasp the rattlesnake by the hind leg and rattle him, thus scaring the dog. Now you have the dog rattled. Now toll the bells for a period of 93 seconds, and at once determine what the bells told. Then, at the psychological moment, sleigh the dogs with bells—I. C. S.

Second Question. Supposing you had nothing to eat for three years. Suddenly you come upon a grocery store. On the outside of the store is a stand containing large, juicy, red apples. You steal one, and looking up, see a policeman. What would you do?

Answer. Run into the store, jump on a scale, and get a weigh.

Third Question. An Indian with a club foot, unable to walk, is stranded in the Sahara Desert sixty-two and three-thirds miles from a Child’s Restaurant, with one pancake in his possession. How will he keep from starving?

Answer. In the absence of a Child’s Restaurant, he can eat a man’s lunch by the following means. First detach the Indian club from his foot, and with it puncture a large hole in the pancake. He can now eat the pancake, have the hole of it left, and have the Sahara for desert.

* * *

Pelican Stuff

Does she dance badly?

Yes, if the chaperones aren’t looking.

* * *

* * *

My girl is so dumb she thinks an aspirin tablet is writing paper.

* * *

Sun Dodger says you always can draw the Queens if you have got the Jack.

* * *

Oh, That’s Fine

Lieutenant—Whoinell put these flowers on this table.

Sergeant—The Commanding officer, sir.

Lieutenant—Pretty flowers, aren’t they.

* * *

San Francisco dentist married a manicure girl and now they are fighting tooth and nail.

* * *

Hang This On the Door Knob

The Creator gave you two ears and only one tongue, so you could hear twice as much as you say.

* * *

How Careless of Him

(From the Clearville Independent.)

FOUND: at my home on 1820 Hunt avenue, gentleman’s sterling cigarette case. Owner may have same by calling again.

—John Snow.

* * *

Ikey’s Mental Race Track

Ikey, our Jewish farm hand, was telling us the other night how smart his father was. He said his old man’s fortune was started as the outcome of a train wreck in which both his father and mother were in.

“Vy, fadder had sich a qvick mind that ven he saw mudder vas not hurt in the wreck he kicked her so hard in the face that he collected twenty-five tousand dollars damages.”

* * *

When woman was made out of man’s rib someone pulled a bone.

* * *

My wife can make it so good now at home that she calls it “the beer that makes Milwaukee jealous.”

* * *

I’ve got the Bakery Shop Blues because I kneed the dough.

* * *

The Punch Bowl

“Marion certainly must be a good girl.”

“Why so?”

“Her name came up in the barber shop last night and no one knew anything about her.”

* * *

Resident—“Ah, a letter from my wife.”

Visitor—“But there’s no writing on the paper.”

Resident—“No, we’re not on speaking terms.”

* * *

Simple Arithmetic

Deacon Jones recently flivvered his eleven children to our village photographer.

“How much you charge for a photograph?” he asked.

“Eighteen dollars a dozen,” replied the cameraman.

“Good-bye,” said Jones, as he hustled his youngsters outside, “I’ll be back next year.”

* * *

A Chafing Dish

“Phat’s a chafing dish?” asked O’Brien of O’Toole.

“A chafing dish,” answered O’Toole to O’Brien, “is a fryin’ pan thot’s got into society.”

* * *

The Bull Colossal

* * *

It takes a diplomat to enter a barber shop and come out with no more than he went in for.

* * *

I hate to play billiards with three balls as I dislike to make fun out of any one’s business.

* * *

The great man waved aside all objections. “Let ’em in,” he cried, pointing to a delegation from the barbers’ union. “I knew ’em when they were little shavers.”

* * *

Animal Tales

I thought you told me that dog of yours at the house was a good rat dog.

He sure is, Sam, he sure is.

Well, how come, when I passed there this morning that the dog was drinking milk out of a bowl with ten or eleven big rats drinking out of it, too?

Are you sure that was my house?

Sure am.

Well, you sure it was my dog?

Positively.

Well, then, you see those are our rats, but let any strange rats come around and he will take care of them all right.

* * *

When a fellow is allowed to muss a girl’s hair he considers it a net gain. She considers it a net loss.

* * *

* * *

Old Stuff

At twenty a kiss is an experiment, at forty a sentiment and after that—a compliment.

* * *

“I believe in specialists, b’heck,” said Hep White. “When my heart is bad I go to a heart specialist. When my lungs are bad I go to a lung specialist,—”

“Them’s my sentiments, too,” interrupted Mrs. Wilkins. “Take my boy, Jimmie. When his tonsils bothered I took him to a regular tonsorial artist.”

* * *

Doggonit

A farmer friend of mine was standing in the road with a gun tucked under his arm and an old dog at his side. He was directly in the path of a motor car. The chauffeur sounded his horn, but the dog did not move—until he was struck. After that he did not move.

The automobile stopped and one of the men got out and came forward. He had once paid a farmer $10.00 for killing a calf that belonged to another farmer. This time he was wary.

“Was that your dog?”

“Yes.”

“You own him?”

“Yes.”

“Looks as if we’d killed him.”

“Certainly looks so.”

“Very valuable dog?”

“Well, not so very.”

“Will $5.00 satisfy you?”

“Yes.”

“Well, then, here you are.” He handed a $5.00 bill to the man with the gun, and said pleasantly, “I’m sorry to have broken up your hunt.”

“I wasn’t going hunting,” replied the other as he pocketed the bill.

“Not going hunting? Then what were you doing with the dog and the gun?”

“Going down to the river to shoot the dog.”

* * *

Rubbing It In

“My dear,” remarked Smith as they were absorbing the beauties of the Grand Canyon. “Nature is marvelous! Stupendous! When I gaze at this vast expanse it makes me think how puerile, how insignificant man is.” “Huh!” sniffed his better half. “I knew that before we ever came here.”

* * *

Men are like kerosene lamps; they are not over bright, usually turned down, most always smoke, and generally go out at night.

* * *

Then Maw Used the Rolling Pin

Little Johnny—“Maw, what did Paw mean when he said to that man: ‘You’ve got a good figure?’”

Mama Hopkins—“I suppose he meant that he got a good price for some land he sold.”

Johnny—“Say, Maw, does Paw’s stenographer sell land, too?”

* * *

Good Yarn

“Darn sox!” exclaimed the young married lady as she threw the yarn in the work basket.

* * *

Proficiency

(From Langsford (Pa.) Leader.)

On Thursday and Friday evenings of next week, “The Busy Liar,” a comedy from start to finish, will be given. The local members have been practicing for a long time.

* * *

Insurance Bull

We knew a man with an automobile, who said he was a careful driver—

AND HE WAS!

He said he would never injure anyone—

AND HE DIDN’T!

He said if anything happened, it would be the other fellow’s fault—

AND IT WAS!

That didn’t prevent the other fellow from demanding damages—

AND HE DID!

Our man said it was not his fault and that he would not pay anything—

AND HE DIDN’T!

The other chap said: “I’ll sue you!”—

AND HE DID!

Our friend’s lawyer said: “We can beat him in court”—

AND THEY DID!

Whereupon our friend said: “Ha, Ha, I win!”—

AND THEN

He paid his lawyer a fee of $100, plus expenses, and ran his car the rest of the year at his own risk.

FOOLISH—WASN’T HE?

* * *

The Meat Boy’s Love

* * *

Men admire women for their beauty; respect them for their virtue; adore them for their intelligence and love them because they can’t help it.

* * *