Volume 2 — It Pays to Advertise
Reading edition
BY OXNARD PETE
It isn’t necessary to read magazine stories any more. The editor tells you all about them in “eye catchers” at the beginning. They read like this:
“Mary’s Garter,” by R. Ubberneck. A snappy and re-elastic love story that stretches the imagination to the breaking point. No “honi soit” stuff here.
“100 to 1,” by N. O. Chance. A race track story. Like a gambler’s watch chain, it has a “charm” that holds the eye.
“Frozen Tears,” by P. North Poole. Returning, after years spent in the far north, John Snow’s wife gives him a cold welcome. He finds that Eskimo maidens may have cold feet, but warm hearts. A tale of polar bears, whale blubber, seal blubber and plain blubber.
Don’t fail to read “Way Down Yeast,” by Holmes Brewer, in our next issue. Mr. Brewer’s stories are as funny as a barrel of monkey wrenches; his wit as spontaneous as a fire sale in Goldstein’s clothing store. And as unique as a drink of real whiskey.
“Down in the Deep,” by Professor U. Drinkwater. A scientific article on the peculiarities of the Zoanatharia actina, mesembryanthemum, tealia crassicornis and other anemones. Too deep for any one but a highbrow to wade through.
“Lucy’s Looseness,” by E. Strong Onion. A story with a smile, some tears, and seeming to breathe throughout, the fragrance of old Bermuda.
* * *
The Way with Men
By Warford Frederick.
A sweet Conceit Is its own excuse, I think, don’t you? I hope you do. Two neat, Small feet And a shoestring loose. I bend, don’t you, Before that shoe? One glance at the shoe and two at the silk, And an ankle showing as white as milk; And I tie a knot that will slip again! For that is ever the way with men.
* * *
It is a rare man, girls, who shakes the furnace as he shakes his shoulders.
* * *
Verily much Mazuma goeth over the bar the cash register knoweth not of.
* * *
There are lots of men who treat tomorrow and treat yesterday, but never treat today.