Volume 2 — Adventures of Sven
Reading edition
May Dear Uncle Billy: Ay taking may pen in hand with may arm in sling from getting struck by lightning for $7.50. Ay bane working in gude moving picture they call “FADED OVERALLS” an Ay bane nature nobleman running ’round mountain ’bout saxteen mile an’ skol carry bull calf on may back Ay skol pull out from landslide by hind feets. After while it skol began to raining when faller turn fire hose on me. I skol be standing under weeping willow tree somewhere in Montana yust back of electric lights plant in Hollywood. When faller turn on hose, calf she getting mad an’ start to kick an’ beller. Director he holler “Hold it,” an’ By Golly! Ay bat your life Ay hold her lak Dickens so she aint yump away. They got to getting tree struck by lightning in big storm so Ay skol die hero after Ay bane cattle thief already so Director holler “Ready,” an’ feller turn on yuice in wire that bane running from tree to light plant. Bull calf she bane wet from hose lak me an’ yump round till she skol getting her tail caught in crotch of weeping willow tree an’ short circuit, so when faller throw in switch juice she run down calf’s tail an’ hit me in may neck so Ay see stars an’ moons an’ 670000.00 dollars worth moving pictures for two minutes an’ when Ay skol waking up Ay bane in Mercenary Hospital with blondy nurse girl giving may big shot home-made alcohol mixed with chile peppers. Ay swallowing quick an bane be knock out ’gan for sax hour till Ay getting sober up.
Ay meeting faller hyer name Yoe Martin they call Chimpanzy. He looking lak faller Ay used to know in St. Paul named Murphy. Yoe, he aint talk much but he looking lak hal. He bane quiet faller an’ never going out an’ get fresh with girls. He bane in Hollywood two year an’ not skol getting divorce yet.
Ay get introduction to girl name Sweet Patootie working on set in Universal City. She skol kom from Fon du Lak Wisconsin because she looking lak Theda Barrels an’ she aint skol making only nine dollar week in laundry. Ay aint know her only ten minutes before she swiping may watch an’ saxty cent lunch money so Ay got to walk back to Loose Angels from Universal City. She making gude allright Ay bat your life.
Ay writing scenario called Viking Carlson, the Snus King from Stockholm. Ay taking plot from may own life an’ Ay pay Scenario School $75.00 for book telling how to getting rich writing play. After Ay write play faller that running school say he skol sell him on commission. There bane more ways to getting rich in Loose Angels than any other towns in United States. If faller aint skol sal may play Ay skol beat hims up an’ making may own picture. Ay play all parts an’ direct picture too. Ay can getting gude camera from Sears Roebuck so Ay aint worry.
Work in pictures bane pretty slack yust now because most extra fallers bane washing dishes in downtown restaurant to get fat for summer rush. Film companies bane talking to cut down wages for actors because room rent bane so high. Hotel keeper fallers lak to get actors out of town so they getting more room for Nebraska farmers with money. Small room in cellar with kitchen sink an’ towel with red fringe cost $185.00 first month an’ $320.00 second.
Most actor fallers eating in Caffeteriá Lunch Room. Every faller march round in line lak looking on corpse at funeral an grab yunk off counter when you go by. After you skol eating you skol sneak out an not wash dishes but everything else you skol do self. Some fallers name Booze Brothers got lot of help yourself restaurants hyar an’ one day Ay go in an’ ask for Booze and cashier girl getting mad an’ call police. She say this bane decent place an’ we aint skol selling only orange cider made from lemons.
Ay got offer to yoin Salvation Army hyar but tank Ay skol stay in Moving picture business yust so long some may money hold out. The woman Ay meet Ay told you bout in last letter that bane going to star me yust so soon her husband go to Seattle she bane starring nother faller now so Ay get stung.
Ay tal you more nax month about how Ay kom out in Scenario writing game. Ay bat you when Mr. Griffith see may play he skol be surprised.
Yours truly,
SVENS PETERSON
* * *
Some women learn school-teaching or dress-making. Others cultivate natural assets!
* * *
His Wires Were Crossed
A superintendent of a Sunday school who had got some new books, asked the minister to make an announcement after the service about the books.
When the service was over the minister had an announcement of his own. He said: “All those having children and wishing to have them baptized, will bring them in the afternoon between three and four o’clock.”
The superintendent, who was hard of hearing, thinking the minister was talking about the books, rose and said, “All those having none and desiring some can be supplied by me. The ordinary ones at fifteen cents, and the special ones with the red backs at twenty-five cents.”
* * *
He gorged himself with sausages, Until he almost burst, Then said, they hurt my stomach some But hurt my liver worst.
* * *
Kisses a la Carte
“I saw you kiss sister last night!”
“Did you, Bobby? Here’s a quarter for you.”
“Thanks. And then I saw you kiss the maid in the hall.”
“Great Scot! Here’s five dollars.”
* * *
When a dog has fleas he doesn’t start drawing up an indictment against the universe. He starts to scratch.