ASINARIA THE COMEDY OF ASSES (continued 2)
Paul Nixon translation
Lib.Lib.
Si quidem mihi statuam et aram statuis atque ut deo mi hic immolas bovem: nam ego tibi Salus sum. Oh well, if you put me up an altar and statue, yes, and offer me up an ox here the same as a god: for I'm your goddess Salvation, I am.
Leon.Leon.
Etiam tu, ere, istunc amoves abs te atque25 ipse me adgredere atque illa, sibi quae hic iusserat, mihi statuis supplicasque? Come, sir, get rid of that chap, won't you, and apply to me in person, yes, and let me have those statues and supplications he ordered for himself.
Argyr.Argyr.
Quem te autem divom nominem? Ah, and by what name does your godship pass?
Leon.Leon.
Fortunam, atque Obsequentem. Fortune, yes sir, Indulgent Fortune.
Argyr.Argyr.
Iam istoc es melior. Now there's where you are better.
Lib.Lib.
An quid est homini Salute melius? Eh? what's better for a man than Salvation?
Argyr.Argyr.
Licet laudem Fortunam, tamen ut ne Salutem culpem. I can praise Fortune and still not disparage Salvation.
Phil.Phil.
Ecastor ambae sunt bonae. Mercy me, they're both good.
Argyr.Argyr.
Sciam ubi boni quid dederint. I'll know so when I get something good out of them.
Leon.Leon.
Opta id quod ut contingat tibi vis. Wish for something you want to happen to you.
Argyr.Argyr.
Quid si optaro? What if I do?
Leon.Leon.
720 Eveniet. It'll come true.
Argyr.Argyr.
Opto annum hunc perpetuom mihi huius operas. My wish is to have this lady's attentions this whole next year through.
Leon.Leon.
Impetrasti. You've got it.
Argyr.Argyr.
Ain vero? Really? really?
Leon.Leon.
Certe inquam. Sure thing I tell you.
Lib.Lib.
Ad me adi vicissim atque experire. exopta id quod vis maxime tibi evenire: fiet. It's my turn—come over here and give me a trial. Long for something you most want to come true: it will.
Argyr.Argyr.
Quid ego aliud exoptem amplius nisi illud cuius inopiast, viginti argenti commodas minas, huius quas dem matri. What could I long for more than something I haven't got a trace of—a round eighty pounds to give this girl's mother?
Lib.Lib.
Dabuntur, animo sis bono face, exoptata optingent. Forthcoming. Keep your courage up: your longing will be gratified.
Argyr.Argyr.
Ut consuevere, homines Salus frustratur et Fortuna. (incredulous) Salvation is at her old tricks, fooling people, and Fortune too.
Leon.Leon.
Ego caput huic argento fui hodie reperiundo. In lighting on this cash to-day—I'm the one that's been the head of it!
Lib.Lib.
Ego pes fui. I'm the one that's been the foot of it!
Argyr.Argyr.
Quin nec caput nec pes sermoni apparet. 730 nec quid dicatis scire nec me cur ludatis possum. And upon my soul, your discourse is a puzzle from head to foot. I can't understand your talk, or why you're making game of me.
Lib.Lib.
Satis iam delusum censeo. nunc rem ut est eloquamur. animum. Argyrippe, advorte sis. pater nos ferre hoc iussit argentum ad ted. (aside to Leonida) I move he's been fooled with long enough. Come on, let's out with it. (to Argyrippus) Your kind attention, Argyrippus! Your father told us to bring this money to you. (holding up wallet)
Argyr.Argyr.
Ut temperi opportuneque attulistis. Oh, you've brought it just in time, just at the right moment!
Lib.Lib.
Hic inerunt viginti minae bonae, mala opera partae; has tibi nos pactis legibus dare iussit. You'll find in here eighty good sovereigns ill-gotten: he said to give 'em to you according to terms agreed upon.
Argyr.Argyr.
Quid id est, quaeso? Terms? What terms, for mercy's sake?
Lib.Lib.
Noctem huius et cenam sibi ut dares. That you're to give him an evening with this lady, and a dinner.
Argyr.Argyr.
Iube advenire quaeso: meritissimo eius quae volet faciemus, qui hosce amores nostros dispulsos compulit. Tell him to come along, yes, yes! We'll do what he wants, and quite right we should, after the way he's gathered our scattered love to the fold. (takes wallet from Libanus)
Leon.Leon.
Patierin, Argyrippe, patrem hanc amplexari tuom? Going to put up with your father's hugging her, are you, Argyrippus?
Argyr.Argyr.
Haec faciet facile ut patiar 740 Leonida, curre obsecro, patrem huc orato ut veniat. (waving wallet) This will easily enable me to put up with it. Leonida, for heaven's sake run and beg my father to come here.
Leon.Leon.
Iam dudum est intus. (pointing to Cleareta's house) He was in there long ago.
Argyr.Argyr.
Hac quidem non venit. He certainly didn't come this way.
Leon.Leon.
Angiporto illac per hortum circum ut clam, ne quis se videret. huc ire familiarium: ne uxor resciscat metuit de argento si mater tua sciat ut sit factum— Sneaked in by the alley there through the garden, so that none of the servants would see him enter: he's afraid of his wife finding out. If your mother was to learn about the money, how it was—
Argyr.Argyr.
Heia, bene dicite. Hold on there! No ominous remarks!
Lib.Lib.
Ite intro cito. In with you, quick!
Argyr.Argyr.
Valete. Good-bye, you two.
Leon.Leon.
Et vos amate. And spoon away, you two. [exeunt Argyrippus and Philaenium into Cleareta's house,Libanus and Leonida into house of Demaenetus.
ACTVS IVACT IV
enter Diabolus and Parasite.
Diab.Diab.
Agedum istum ostende quem conscripsti syngraphum inter me et amicam et lenam. leges pellege nam tu poeta es prorsus ad eam rem unicus. Come on, show me that contract you drew up between me and my mistress and the Madame. Read over the terms. Ah, you're the one and only artist at this business.
Par.Par.
Horrescet faxo lena, leges cum audiet. (producing a document) I warrant you Madame will shudder when she hears the terms.
Diab.Diab.
Age quaeso mi hercle translege. Come come, man, for the Lord's sake let's have 'em!
Par.Par.
Audin? Are you listening?
Diab.Diab.
750 Audio. Yes.
Par.Par.
"Diabolus Glauci filius Clearetae lenae dedit dono argenti viginti minas, Philaenium ut secum esset noctes et dies hunc annum totum." (reading) "Diabolus, son of Glaucus, has given to Cleareta, Madame, a present of eighty pounds to the end that Philaenium throughout the coming year may spend her nights and days with him."
Diab.Diab.
Neque cum quiquam alio quidem. Yes, and not with anyone else, either.
Par.Par.
Addone? Shall I add that?
Diab.Diab.
Adde, et scribas vide plane et probe. Add that, and see you put it down in a good firm hand.
Par.Par.
"Alienum hominem intro mittat neminem. quod illa aut amicum aut patronum nominet, aut quod illa amicae26 amatorem praedicet, fores occlusae omnibus sint nisi tibi. 760 in foribus scribat occupatam esse se. (after doing so) "She is to admit no male outsider into her house. In case she call him a mere friend or guardian, or in case she allege him to be the lover of a friend of hers, her doors must be closed to all but you. She must post a notice on the doors stating that she is engaged.
aut quod illa dicat peregre allatam epistulam, ne epistula quidem ulla sit in aedibus nec cerata adeo tabula; et si qua inutilis pictura sit, eam vendat: ni in quadriduo abalienarit, quo abs te argentum acceperit, tuos arbitratus sit, comburas, si velis, ne illi sit cera, ubi facere possit litteras. Or in case she say that a letter from foreign parts has been delivered to her, there must be no letter at all in the house, nor so much as a waxen tablet; and if there be any undesirable picture about, let her sell it: unless she shall have removed it within four days after receipt of your money, it shall be at your disposal: you may burn it up, if you deem fit, that she may have no wax whereon to write.
vocet convivam neminem illa, tu voces; ad eorum ne quem oculos adiciat suos. 770 si quem alium aspexit, caeca continue siet. tecum una potet, aeque pocla potitet: abs ted accipiat, tibi propinet, tu bibas, ne illa minus aut plus quam tu sapiat." She must invite no guest to the house: you shall invite them; and she must have eyes for none of them. If her glance has fallen on another man, she must become blind forthwith. She must drink with you only, and drink with you glass for glass: let her receive the glass from your hands, drink to your health, and then do you take it and drink, so that she may have no—(unobtrusively dropping the aspirate) whit more than you, nor less."
Diab.Diab.
Satis placet. (not noticing) Quite satisfactory.
Par.Par.
"Suspiciones omnes ab se segreget. neque illaec ulli pede pedem homini premat, cum surgat, neque cum in lectum inscendat proximum, neque cum descendat inde, det cuiquam manum: spectandum ne cui anulum det neque roget. talos ne cuiquam homini admoveat nisi tibi. 780 cum iaciat, 'te' ne dicat: nomen nominet. "She must keep herself above every suspicion. She must not touch feet with any man when she arises from table: and when she steps upon the adjoining couch, or steps down therefrom, she must take no one's hand. She must give no one her ring to look at, nor ask to look at his. To no man save yourself must she pass the dice. On making a throw she must not say, 'TheeE I invoke!' She is to name your name.
deam invocet sibi quam libebit propitiam, deum nullum; si magis religiosa fuerit, tibi dicat: tu pro illa ores ut sit propitius. neque illa ulli homini nutet, nictet, annuat. post, si lucerna exstincta sit, ne quid sui membri commoveat quicquam in tenebris." Let her call upon any goddess she pleases for favour, but upon no god; if she have religious scruples in regard to this, let her tell you, and do you make the prayer for his favour in her stead. To no man shall she nod, wink, or signify compliance. Further, if the lamp go out, she is not to move a single limb in the darkness."
Diab.Diab.
Optumest. ita scilicet facturam. verum in cubiculo— deme istuc—equidem illam moveri gestio. nolo illam habere causam et votitam dicere. Excellent! To be sure she mustn't, (pause) But in our own room—cut that clause out—why, I'm keen as can be for her to be lively there! I don't want her to have an excuse and say the contract forbids.
Par.Par.
Scio, captiones metuis. I see, you fear some catch.
Diab.Diab.
Verum. Exactly.
Par.Par.
790 Ergo ut iubes tollam. Well then, I shall strike that out, as you order.
Diab.Diab.
Quid ni? Of course you will.
Par.Par.
Audi relicua. Listen to the rest.
Diab.Diab.
Loquere, audio. Go on: I am listening.
Par.Par.
"Neque ullum verbum faciat perplexabile, neque ulla lingua sciat loqui nisi Attica, forte si tussire occepsit, ne sic tussiat, ut cuiquam linguam in tussiendo proserat. quod illa autem simulet, quasi gravedo profluat, hoc ne sic faciat: tu labellum abstergeas potius quam cuiquam savium faciat palam. "She must use no phrase of double meaning, and must know how to speak no language but the Attic. If she should happen to cough, she is not to cough so, (illustrating) in such a way as to extend her tongue toward anyone. Moreover, in case she pretends to have a running cold, she must not do this: (purses his lips) you are to wipe her little lip yourself rather than let her pucker up her mouth for anyone so obviously.
nec mater lena ad vinum accedat interim, 800 nec ulli verbo male dicat. si dixerit, haec multa ei esto, vino viginti dies ut careat." Nor shall the Madame, her mother, drop in while you are having your wine, or say a single abusive word to anyone. If such a word be said by her, the penalty shall be this—no wine for her for twenty days."
Diab.Diab.
Pulchre scripsti. scitum syngraphum. Splendid document! Capital contract!
Par.Par.
"Tum si coronas, serta, unguenta iusserit ancillam ferre Veneri aut Cupidini, tuos servos servet, Venerine eas det an viro. 800 si forte pure velle habere dixerit, tot noctes reddat spurcas quot pure habuerit." haec sunt non nugae, non enim mortualia. "Then if she bid her maid carry chaplets, wreaths, perfumes to Venus or to Cupid, your servant shall observe whether she gives them to Venus, or to a man. Should she happen to express a wish for religious seclusion, she must give you as many hours of love as she has of loneliness." These be no trifles; these be no dirges for dead folk, I tell you. The terms are highly satisfactory. Follow me in.
Diab.Diab.
Placent profecto leges, sequere intro. Very well.
Par.Par.
Sequor. [exeunt into Cleareta's house: sound of wrangling within: re-enter Diabolus and Parasite from house.
IV. 2. Scene 2.
Diab.Diab.
810 Sequere hac, egone haec patiar aut taceam? emori me malim, quam haec non eius uxori indicem. ain tu? apud amicam munus adulescentuli fungare, uxori excuses te et dicas senem? praeripias scortum amanti atque argentum obicias lenae? suppiles clam domi uxorem tuam? (incensed) Come along! I put up with this? I hold my tongue? I'd rather perish from the earth than not let it out to his wife! (shouting to Demaenetus within) You will, will you? You will play the gay young spark with a mistress and excuse yourself to your wife on the plea of old age, eh? You will snatch a girl from her lover and toss your money to the Madame, eh? You will filch things from your lady at home on the sly, eh?
suspendam potius me, quam tu haec tacita auferas. iam quidem hercle ad illam hinc ibo, quam tu propediem, nisi quidem illa ante occupassit te, effliges scio, luxuriae sumptus suppeditare ut possies. I'd sooner hang myself than let you carry it off so and nothing said. By the Lord, I'll go to her this very minute, I will, the woman you're bound to bring to pauperism shortly,—if she doesn't forestall you, that is,—just so that you may be kept in funds for your orgies!
Par.Par.
820 Ego sic faciundum censeo: me honestiust, quam te palam hanc rem facere, ne illa existimet amoris causa percitum id fecisse te magis quam sua causa. (calmly, judiciously) In my opinion, this is the way we should handle the case: it would look better for me to appear in the matter than you; she might think you were hard hit and did it more out of jealousy than out of regard for her.
Diab.Diab.
At pol qui dixti rectius. tu ergo fac ut illi turbas lites concias; cum suo sibi gnato unam ad amicam de die potare, illam expilare narra. Right you are, gad yes, that is better! Then raise hell for him yourself; stir up a row; notify her that he's having a daylight carouse with his own son, one girl between 'em there at her house, and she herself being rooked for it!
Par.Par.
Ne mone, ego istud curabo. No advice needed! I shall take care of that.
Diab.Diab.
(827) At ego te opperiar domi.27 Well, I'll wait for you at home.27 [exit.
ACTVS VACT V
the door of Cleareta's house is open, showing Argyrippus, Demaenetus, and Philaenium banqueting, Philaenium being on a couch beside Demaenetus and trying not to seem bored by his gallantries.
Dem.Dem.
830 Numquidnam tibi molestumst, gnate mi, si haec nunc mecum accubat? You don't mind it, do you, my boy,—her being on the couch here with me? (merrily chucks Philaenium under the chin)
Argyr.Argyr.
Pietas, pater, oculis dolorem prohibet. quamquam ego istanc amo, possum equidem inducere animum, ne aegre patiar quia tecum accubat. (dolefully) My duty as a son takes the sting out of the sight, father. Even though I do love her, of course I can persuade myself not to be disturbed at her being with you.
Dem.Dem.
Decet verecundum esse adulescentem, Argyrippe. A young fellow should be modest, Argyrippus.
Argyr.Argyr.
Edepol, pater, merito tuo facere possum. Ah yes, father, I can behave as you deserve.
Dem.Dem.
Age ergo, hoc agitemus convivium vino et28 sermoni suavi. nolo ego metui, amari mavolo, mi gnate, me abs te. (jovially) Come on then, let's have a lively banquet—wine and sweet converse, my dears! None of your filial awe for me: your love is what I want, my lad.
Argyr.Argyr.
Pol ego utrumque facio, ut aequom est filium. (still more dolefully) Ah yes, father, I give you both, as a son should.
Dem.Dem.
Credam istuc, si esse te hilarum videro. I'll believe that, once I see you looking jolly.
Argyr.Argyr.
An tu me tristem putas? (with a deep sigh) You don't think I'm ... melancholy ... do you?
Dem.Dem.
Putem ego, quem videam aeque esse maestum ut quasi dies si dicta sit? Think so? When you look as sepulchral as if you were docketed for trial!
Argyr.Argyr.
Ne dixis istuc. Don't say that.
Dem.Dem.
839, 840 Ne sic fueris: ilico ego non dixero. Don't be that, and I'll stop saying it soon enough.
Argyr.Argyr.
Em aspecta: rideo. (making a dismal effort to look happy) Here now! See! I'm smiling.
Dem.Dem.
Utinam male qui mihi volunt sic rideant. (dryly) I wish my enemies were blessed with a smile like that.
Argyr.Argyr.
Scio equidem quam ob rem me, pater, tu tristem credas nunc tibi: quia istaec est tecum. atque ego quidem hercle ut verum tibi dicam. pater, ea res me male habet; at non eo, quia tibi non cupiam quae velis; verum istam amo. aliam tecum esse equidem facile possum perpeti. Of course I know why you think my bearing toward you now is melancholy, father,—because she's with you. And good heavens, father, to tell you the truth, I—it does make me miserable; not because I'm not eager to have your wishes gratified; but I love that girl. If it was some other one, I shouldn't mind at all, really I shouldn't.
Dem.Dem.
At ego hanc volo. I want this one, though.
Argyr.Argyr.
Ergo sunt quae exoptas: mihi quae ego exoptem volo. Well then, you've got your desire: I wish I could have the same luck!
Dem.Dem.
Unum hunc diem perpetere, quoniam tibi potestatem dedi, cum hac annum ut esses, atque amanti argenti feci copiam. Oh, you'll take it calmly this one day, now that I've given you the chance to be with her for a year, and furnished forth my young gallant with funds.
Argyr.Argyr.
Em istoc me facto tibi devinxti. Just the point! You have me bound hard and fast by that.
Dem.Dem.
849, 850 Quin te ergo hilarum das mihi? Come then, surrender and be jolly, won't you?
V. 2. Scene 2.
enter Artemona and Parasite from house of Demaenetus.
Art.Art.
Ain tu meum virum his potare, obsecro, cum filio et ad amicam detulisse argenti viginti minas meoque filio sciente id facere flagitium patrem? (tempestuously) What's that, for heaven's sake,—my husband carousing here with his son, and brought eighty pounds to a mistress, and my son conniving at such an outrage on the part of his father, his father?
Par.Par.
Neque divini neque mi humani posthac quicquam accreduas, Artemona, si huius rei me esse mendacem inveneris. Never trust me in another thing divine or human, madam, if you find I have misinformed you in this.
Art.Art.
At scelesta ego praeter alios meum virum29 frugi rata, siccum, frugi, continentem, amantem uxoris maxume. But oh dear me! I thought my husband was the very paragon of men, a sober man, a worthy, moral man that loved his wife devotedly.
Par.Par.
At nunc dehinc scito illum ante omnes minimi mortalem preti, madidum, nihili, incontinentem atque osorem uxoris suae. But from now on you must realize that he is the very scum of the earth, a toping man, a worthless, immoral man that hates the wife of his bosom.
Art.Art.
860 Pol ni istaec vera essent, numquam faceret ea quae nunc facit. Mercy yes! unless all that was true, he would never be acting as he does now.
Par.Par.
Ego quoque hercle illum antehac hominem semper sum frugi ratus, verum hoc facto sese ostendit, qui quidem cum filio potet una atque una amicam ductet, decrepitus senex. I always thought he was a worthy man myself before to-day, upon my soul I did: but now he shows himself in his true colours—carousing with his own son and sharing his mistress with him, the old ruin!
Art.Art.
Hoc ecastor est quod ille it ad cenam cottidie. ait sese ire ad Archidemum, Chaeream, Chaerestratum, Cliniam, Chremem, Cratinum, Diniam, Demosthenem: is apud scortum corruptelae est liberis, lustris studet. Good gracious! This explains his going out to dinner every day! He with his tales of going to dine with Archidemus, Chaerea, Chaerestratus, Clinia, Chremes, Cratinus, Dinias, Demosthenes—and all the time corrupting his children at a harlot's, haunting houses of ill fame!
Par.Par.
Quin tu illum iubes ancillas rapere sublimen domum? Why not tell your maids to pick him up and take him off home?
Art.Art.
Tace modo. ne ego illum ecastor miserum habebo. You just keep still. Oh, but I'll make life miserable for him, I swear I will!
Par.Par.
Ego istuc scio, ita fore illi dum quidem cum illo nupta eris. I have no doubt about that, just as long as he is your husband.
Art.Art.
870 Ego censeo. eum30 etiam hominem in senatu dare operam aut clientibus, ibi labore delassatum noctem totam stertere: ille opere foris faciendo lassus noctu ad me advenit; fundum alienum arat, incultum familiarem deserit. is etiam corruptus porro suom corrumpit filium. (too irate to notice unflattering accent) Yes, indeed! He busy in the Senate or helping his clients! He wearied out by his labours there, there, that he spends the whole night snoring! It is business away from home that makes him turn up at night all weary—the business of ploughing other people's fields and leaving his own uncultivated. Corrupt himself, he actually goes on and corrupts his own son.
Par.Par.
Sequere hac me modo, iam faxo ipsum hominem manifesto opprimas. Just follow me this way: I'll soon make you drop on our gentleman in the very act.
Art.Art.
Nihil ecastor est quod facere mavelim. Ah-h-h! There's nothing I'd like better!
Par.Par.
Mane dum. Hm! wait! (goes quietly to Cleareta's door, peeps in and comes back)
Art.Art.
Quid est? What's the matter?
Par.Par.
Possis, si forte accubantem tuom virum conspexeris cum corona amplexum amicam, si videas, cognoscere? If you happened to spy your husband stretched out on a banquet couch with a garland on and a girl in his arms—if you saw him, could you recognize him?
Art.Art.
Possum ecastor. Indeed I can!
Par.Par.
Em tibi hominem. (taking her cautiously to the door) Behold your man!
Art.Art.
Perii. (peeping) Dreadful, dreadful!
Par.Par.
880 Paulisper mane. aucupemus ex insidiis clanculum quam rem gerant. (drawing her aside) Wait a bit! Let's lie in ambush and spy what's going on without being seen.
Argyr.Argyr.
Quid modi, pater, amplexando facies? (resentfully) Father! When is that hug going to end?
Dem.Dem.
Fateor, gnate mi— (somewhat embarrassed) I admit, my dear boy,—
Argyr.Argyr.
Quid fatere? Admit what?
Dem.Dem.
Me ex amore huius corruptum oppido. That this lady is altogether too much for my sense of decorum.
Par.Par.
Audin quid ait? (to Artemona) Do you hear what he says?
Art.Art.
Audio. I hear!
Dem.Dem.
Egon ut non domo uxori meae subripiam in deliciis pallam quam habet, atque ad te deferam? non edepol conduci possum vita uxoris annua. (to Philaenium) Not steal my wife's pet mantle from home and bring it to you? By heaven, I couldn't be hired not to—not if she should die within the year.
Par.Par.
Censen tu illum hodie primum ire adsuetum esse in ganeum? (to Artemona) Do you think to-day is the first time that gentleman has used such resorts?
Art.Art.
Ille ecastor suppilabat me, quod ancillas meas suspicabar atque insontis miseras cruciabam. Mercy on us! So he was the thief all those times I suspected my maids, yes, and tortured the poor innocent things.
Argyr.Argyr.
Pater, 890 iube dari vinum; iam dudum factum est cum primum bibi. Tell them to set the wine going, father; it seems an age since I had my first drink.
Dem.Dem.
Da, puere, ab summo. age, tu interibi ab infimo da savium. (to servant) Boy, send round the wine from the head of the table. (to Philaenium) Come, my dear, meanwhile you send round a naughty, naughty kiss from the foot. (Philaenium obeys)
Art.Art.
Perii misera, ut osculatur carnufex, capuli decus. Oh-h-h! Good heavens! The way he kisses, the villain, fit only to grace a coffin!
Dem.Dem.
Edepol animam suaviorem aliquanto quam uxoris meae. My word! Rather sweeter breath than my wife's!
Phil.Phil.
Dic amabo, an fetet anima uxoris tuae? Do tell me, there's a dear—your wife's breath isn't bad, is it?
Dem.Dem.
Nauteam bibere malim, si necessum sit, quam illam oscularier. I'd rather drink bilge water, if it came to that, than kiss her.
Art.Art.
Ain tandem? edepol ne tu istuc cum malo magno tuo dixisti in me. sine, revenias modo domum, faxo ut scias quid pericli sit dotatae uxori vitium dicere. (aside) So? You would, would you? Good gracious, sir, that fling at me will cost you dear. Very well! just you come back home, sir! I'll show you the danger of vilifying a wife with money.
Phil.Phil.
Miser ecastor es. Goodness me, you poor thing!
Art.Art.
Ecastor dignus est. (aside) Goodness me, he deserves to be!
Argyr.Argyr.
Quid ais, pater? ecquid matrem amas? Look here, father. Do you love my mother?
Dem.Dem.
900 Egone illam? nunc amo, quia non adest. Love her? I? I love her now for not being near.
Argyr.Argyr.
Quid cum adest? And when she is near?
Dem.Dem.
Periisse cupio. I yearn for a death in the family.
Par.Par.
Amat homo hic te, ut praedicat. (to Artemona) This gentleman is fond of you, it seems.
Art.Art.
Ne illa ecastor faenerato funditat: nam si domum redierit hodie. osculando ego ulciscar potissimum. (aside) Oh-h-h! won't he pay interest on that flow of words! Just let him come back home to-day, and that will be my favourite method of revenge—kissing him.
Argyr.Argyr.
Iace, pater, talos, ut porro nos iaciamus. (pushing some dice toward Demaenetus) Your throw, father: come, so that I can take my turn.
Dem.Dem.
Maxime. te, Philaenium, mihi atque uxoris mortem, hoc Venerium est. pueri, plaudite et mi ob iactum cantharo mulsum date. By all means. (as he throws) Here's to you for me, Philaenium, and my wife for the tomb! (looking at throw) Ha! The Venus!F (to servants) A cheer, lads, and some mead from the tankard for that throw!
Art.Art.
Non queo durare. (aside to Parasite) This is intolerable!
Par.Par.
Si non didicisti fulloniam, non mirandum est.31 in oculos invadi optumum est. (aside to Artemona) No wonder, if you never learned the fuller'sG trade. Your best plan is to make a dash for his eyes.
Art.Art.
Ego pol vivam et tu istaec hodie cum tuo magno malo invocavisti. (bursting into house) My heavens, sir, I will live, and you shall pay dear for that petition of yours just now! (tableau)
Par.Par.
910 Ecquis currit pollictorem accersere? (gleefully) Run, some one, and fetch the undertaker!
Argyr.Argyr.
Mater, salve. (innocently) How do you do, mother?
Art.Art.
Sat salutis. Enough of your how d'ye do-ing!
Par.Par.
Mortuost Demaenetus. tempus est subducere hinc me; pulchre hoc gliscit proelium. ibo ad Diabolum, mandata dicam facta ut voluerit, atque interea ut decumbamus suadebo, hi dum litigant. (aside) Demaenetus is dead. Time for me to retire from the scene; the battle waxes finely. I'll off to Diabolus and tell him his mandates are executed to the letter, yes, and suggest our taking dinner meantime, while they fight it out.
poste demum huc cras adducam ad lenam, ut viginti minas ei det, in partem hac amanti ut liceat ei potirier. Argyrippus exorari spero poterit, ut sinat sese alternas cum illo noctes hac frui. nam ni impetro, regem perdidi: ex amore tantum est homini incendium. Then to-morrow when it's over I'll bring him back to the Madame so that he may give her the eighty pounds and get her permission for his fond self to go shares in the girl here. I do hope Argyrippus can be induced to let him have her half the time. For if I don't get so much out of him, I have lost a patron—all one blaze of love, as the fellow is. [exit Parasite.
Art.Art.
Quid tibi hunc receptio ad te est meum virum? (to Philaenium) What do you mean by receiving this man at your house—my husband?
Phil.Phil.
920 Pol me quidem miseram odio enicavit. Dear, dear! Why, I'm fairly bored to death by him, for my part.
Art.Art.
Surge, amator, i domum. (standing over Demaenetus) Get up, my gallant; home with you!
Dem.Dem.
Nullus sum. (half aside, afraid to move) I'm a dead man!
Art.Art.
Immo es, ne nega, omnium unus pol nequissimus. at etiam cubat cuculus. surge amator, i domum. Good gracious, no! You're the vilest man living, and you needn't deny it. But he's roosting there still, the cuckoo! Get up, my gallant; home with you!
Dem.Dem.
Vae mihi. (half aside) Oh, I'm in for it!
Art.Art.
Vera hariolare. surge, amator, i domum. You are a true prophet. Get up, my gallant; home with you!
Dem.Dem.
Abscede ergo paululum istuc. Well then, do stand a bit farther off.
Art.Art.
Surge, amator, i domum. Get up, my gallant; home with you!
Dem.Dem.
Iam obsecro, uxor. For heaven's sake now, my dear!
Art.Art.
Nunc uxorem me esse meministi tuam? modo, cum dicta in me ingerebas, odium, non uxor eram. Now you recollect that I am your dear, do you? A moment ago, when you were saying things about me, I was your abomination, not your dear.
Dem.Dem.
Totus perii. (half aside) It's all up with me, absolutely!
Art.Art.
Quid tandem? anima fetetne uxoris tuae? You really meant it, did you? Your dear's breath smells, does it?
Dem.Dem.
Murram olet. (hastily) Smells of myrrh, myrrh!
Art.Art.
Iam subrupuisti pallam, quam scorto dares? (ironically) Have you stolen the mantle yet to give this creature?
Phil.Phil.
930 Ecastor qui subrupturum pallam promisit tibi. He promised he would steal it from you, indeed he did!
Dem.Dem.
Non taces? (aside to Philaenium) Shut up, won't you?
Argyr.Argyr.
Ego dissuadebam, mater. I tried to dissuade him, mother.
Art.Art.
Bellum filium. istoscine patrem aequom est mores liberis largirier? nilne te pudet? A pretty son! (to Demaenetus) Is this the way for a father to edify his children? Is there nothing you're ashamed of? (helps him off the couch by the ear)
Dem.Dem.
Pol, si aliud nil sit, tui me, uxor, pudet. Oh Lord! You make me ashamed, my dear, if nothing else would.
Art.Art.
Cano capite te cuculum uxor ex lustris rapit. (guiding him toward the door) It's your dear that is dragging you from this den of vice, your hoary-headed cuckoo!
Dem.Dem.
Non licet manere—cena coquitur—dum cenem modo? Mayn't I stay—dinner's being cooked—just till I've dined?
Art.Art.
Ecastor cenabis hodie, ut dignus es, magnum malum. Good heavens, sir! You shall dine as you deserve today—on dire distress.
Dem.Dem.
Male cubandum est: iudicatum me uxor abducit domum. (aside) It's a poorish night I'm in for: here I am sentenced, and my wife leading me off—home. (Argyrippus and Philaenium follow them to door)
Argyr.Argyr.
Dicebam, pater, tibi, ne matri consuleres male. I kept telling you, father, not to play any tricks on mother.
Phil.Phil.
De palla memento, amabo. Remember about the mantle, there's a dear!
Dem.Dem.
Iuben hanc hinc abscedere? (to wife) Tell her to get out of here, won't you?
Art.Art.
I domum. (jerking him along) Home with you!
Phil.Phil.
940 Da savium etiam prius quam abis. Do give me another naughty, naughty kiss before we part.
Dem.Dem.
I in crucem. Go to hell!
Phil.Phil.
Immo intro potius. sequere hac me, mi anime. Oh no, inside, instead, (to Argyrippus, as she goes back inside) Come along with me, darling.
Argyr.Argyr.
Ego vero sequor. Indeed I will. [exeunt omnes.
GREXEPILOGUE
(Spoken by the Company)
Hic senex si quid clam uxorem suo animo fecit volup, neque novum neque mirum fecit nec secus quam alii solent; nec quisquam est tam ingenio duro nec tam firmo pectore, quin ubi quicque occasionis sit sibi faciat bene. nunc si voltis deprecari huic seni ne vapulet, remur impetrari posse, plausum si clarum datis. If this old gentleman has indulged his inclinations a bit without informing his wife, he has done nothing new or strange, or different from what other men ordinarily do. No one has such an iron nature, such an unyielding heart, as not to do himself a good turn whenever he has any chance. So now in case you wish to beg the old fellow off from a beating, we opine that you can succeed, if you—give us some loud applause.