CHAP. XIV.

The horses were now ordered: my uncle mounted his old favourite mare, and I had Geoffry’s strong black nag; and, in a jog-trot style, we proceeded through the village.

We had not gone above a mile, when, passing through a narrow lane, we met a gentleman on horseback, in the exact position of an X; that is to say, his elbows and toes were so horizontally stretched, they touched the hedges on each side.

“Good-morning, good Sir! How d’ye do? how d’ye do? I’m taking a little air,” said the gentleman.

“That you’ve a right to, but not to all the road, by the by. Why, my dear fellow, there’s no room to pass you: you’re as formidable an object as a broad-wheel waggon. But what’s the matter with you—you look poorly?” said my uncle.

“Eh! exactly so; I’m extremely asthmatic; I’ve wasted a pound within this fortnight, owing to profuse and constant perspiration: in short, Mrs. Dashwell is very asthmatic, and so’s my daughter-in-law and my nephew; and the maid’s very unwell.”

“What! is she asthmatic too?” asked my uncle, with a suppressed smile.

“Eh! not exactly so: but, I assure you, Mrs. D—— is very ill; she’s so delicate a constitution; she has not power to fetch the water to wash her hands.”

“Indeed!” said my uncle, doubtingly, as he tossed up his chin: “a good, strong constitution, that can stand wind and weather, is a very enviable blessing.”

“Exactly so: no woman possessed a better formerly,” answered he.

“But we don’t grow younger and stronger every day,” cried my uncle: “and, perhaps, she may have made too free with her constitution in the early part of life; such as the damp night air, high suppers, playhouse heats and colds, and so forth. Those kind of things all take effect in time.”

The gentleman turned pinkish, set up a hollow cough, tucked his toes under the saddle to give us room to pass, and, wishing us good-morning, cantered gently away.

“Your friend has brushed off in a hurry,” said I.

“Yes,” replied my uncle; “he’s a bad digestion, advice sticks in his stomach, and an explanation of causes and effects always gives him a certain unexplanatory twinge. He’s a keen tradesman of the day; boasts his horses, his half pipe of Madeira, his haunch, turbot, and game parties; and longs to sport a shell of calipash to establish his galas; where the city nobility, alias the ci-divant penny-postman’s son, and the ci-divant tallow-chandler’s daughter, always find an upper seat, amongst many other plebeian fashionables; and while there’s strength enough in the gunpowder to make a good report, and prevent a flash in the pan, who so great, so consequential, while the rags circulate. But you’re a novice to my hieroglyphics, Victor: you don’t know the world in masquerade; yet it’s a very necessary science to learn. But here comes a chaise: you must squeeze your horse close into the hedge, or there’ll be no room to pass.”

The vehicle now approached, drove by a fat elderly woman; beside whom were stuck her two full-moon-faced daughters, in plebeian pomp, dressed in all the gaiety of presbyterian pride. She bowed, and immediately stopped her horse to facilitate our passing.

“Good-morrow, Ma’am,” said my uncle: “I hope you are going to London to obtain an act of parliament for widening this road, since you’ve set up your chaise; it’s well enough to bump along in a cart; and where a man’s got his bread dependant, like your husband, why, the width of the road to interest is of little consequence.”

“I assure you, Sir,” answered the fat lady, “I am astonished the inhabitants don’t rectify such a nuisance; I wonder they don’t go to law with the commissioners of the roads: I’m sure I’d readily sign the requisition: a set of confederating wretches!”

“Aye; and, if they did not comply, you’d have no objection to lend us a hand to throw it into Chancery! Would you, Madam?”

“Indeed, I would,” replied the lady, whose face flushed crimson. “I don’t mean to take things as I have done. Thank God! we’re out of debt and out of danger.”

“That’s a comfort,” replied my uncle. “There’s nothing like honesty. I dearly love to see the bond of generosity cancelled by the stamp of gratitude.”

The lady’s countenance changed from a pink to a damask-rose tincture; and, wishing us “good-morning,” her chaise whirled on with its cargo of hypocrisy.

“And, pray, who is that group, Sir?” asked I.

“Why, it’s Madam Sponge and her two girls, whom the unexpected windfall of a few thousands has raised from the abyss of poverty to the comforts of affluence, which their pride and folly will soon reduce to their former exigence; while the innocent and generous benefactor, whose unsullied fame they vainly strove to tarnish with the mildew of their calumniate breath, beholds, with the just abhorrence of every upright, honest man, the villainous principle of their corrupt hearts, and treats them with the sovereign contempt of Virtue trampling on the scorpions of Vice, invulnerable to their sting. We shall pass their newly-embellished hovel presently; and it’s a chance but we have a peep at the master, as well as the mistress. But let us trot briskly till the road widens, for it’s very unpleasant meeting carriages; and methinks I hear more wheels advancing.”

Scarce had we attained the wished-for extent, when a miller’s cart approached; on the copse of which sat the miller and a farmer; both of whom bowed civilly, but spoke not; and the cart rattled out of sight.

“I must again apply to your biographical book of knowledge, Sir,” said I.

“Why, those two persons are Farmer Strut, and his son, Cloddy the miller, going home from market. You ought to have made a bow to him, to grind away all your sins; for, I assure you, he calls himself one of the elect.”

“I don’t comprehend, Sir.”

“That’s a sign you’re not enlightened, like Miller Strut. A methodist preacher turned his brains about seven years ago, and converted the sinner to the saint; since which, he infected the major and minor part of his own family with the religious mania; which contagion spread through great part of the village. The females of the family were easily persuaded to adopt their brother’s sentiments, but the elder and younger preferred their own opinion; while their father, the farmer, prudently considered there were more methods than one to pursue: he therefore suffered his wife and family to act in conformity to their feelings; while he rode up weekly to London, to arrange his rag-shop, see what fish was best to fry, make his observation how the grasshopper jumped, take a peep at the fat cattle in Racket-market, and do a few convenient odd jobs—hear much, say little, get all he could, meet old friends with old faces, which, for want of walking in his spectacles, he mistook for new faces; for which reason he sold the supposed masks for the paltry sum of twenty pounds—the worst day’s-work he ever did; precluding all future grist to the mill. But Farmer Strut pleased himself.”

“Silly man!” said I.

“Aye; it is not every gander sees his own interest,” replied my uncle.