CHAP. VI.

We had not proceeded far before we met the carriage of Lady Lustre, who would take no denial to our getting in and returning home with her, which politeness compelled us to do, and in a few minutes we found ourselves seated in her hospitable mansion, where a salver of fruit, sandwiches, and negus was placed before us.

The urbanity of her manners, the sensibility of her conversation, the engaging gentility of her address, all bespoke Lady Lustre the woman of education; and though now in her grand climacterick, her company was as fascinating as in the days of her youth; no uncouth county dialect, no garrulity marked her conversation; she had been bred in the school of gentility, of which she was still head pupil, and never was a more agreeable hour than we passed in her society; she had selected a little museum of natural and Asiatic curiosities, in which her taste was eminently displayed, and afforded to a lover of antiquity great amusement; we were also treated with the inspection of a pearl cabinet, richly ornamented with superb oriental china, which, with a pair of magnificent globes, a choice library of the most valuable authors, and collection of pictures from the most celebrated pencils, with a portfolio of proof engravings, constituted the amusement of the visitor, and displayed the genuine taste of the owner.

My uncle observed her Ladyship had made a very short ride.

“I have,” replied she, “but I shall extend it bye and bye, for to say the truth, I went to call on one of my cottage pensioners, whom I found in the straw, something downcast at the arrival of two little strangers instead of one, as she is already the mother of five; and it is to order some caudle, a few requisites, and some broth for the children, that I have hastened back; but I shall call again in the evening, and I hope to find her in better spirits.”

I saw a tear of feeling start in my uncle’s eye, and slipping a guinea into the hand of Lady Lustre, he entreated she would give it to the cottager. Her Ladyship seemed highly pleased, and wishing her good morning, we returned home, as my uncle seemed to feel himself rather fatigued.

The ceremony of dinner passed over happily for me, without any more blunders on my part; the conversation of my uncle (whose peevish humour seemed to relax,) grew more pleasant; and he would I believe have given me the promised detail of his sorrows, if another visit from Doctor Tonic had not interrupted him.

“D’ye want a hand at a game of crib?” asked the Doctor popping in his head, with one eye directed east and the other west .

“If you are come to take your crown revenge,” said my uncle, “sit down, and well accept your challenge.”

“Hem! hem! I’m in a lazy humour to-night, fit for nothing; just called in at the manor, and egad! nothing would serve the squire but a fresh bottle of port, which was so prime that somehow the butler had drawn a second cork before I was aware of it. Sad dog that young squire! had a design upon me, I do believe. Ecod, Sir, I had great difficulty to find the park gate, but I’ve been home, taken a few antidotal drops, and had a sound nap in my elbow chair; and now I’m just the thing for a chat or a rubber.”

“And if any body meets with an accident, and requires your assistance?” said my uncle.

“Why then I’m engaged with a patient , and my son Bob must officiate. Hem! hem! Why, if I was to gallop after every patient’s whims, I might ride twenty miles after a cut finger or a chilblain. No, no, always send Bob to the fanciful squad. How d’ye think now I was served the night before last? A servant rapped at the door about eleven o’clock, just as we had retired to rest, and requested my immediate attendance on his mistress Lady Flam, up at the Grove, about a mile and half off.

“Much vexed at being disturbed, and my son Bob having had a hard day’s fatigue, I enquired what was her Ladyship’s complaint. He replied, “he did not know; but I must follow him immediately, and if I pleased, take his horse instead of waiting for my own.”

Thinking the exigence was great, and Lady Flam being one of my best patients, (though by the bye a d—d whimsical one,) I hastily huddled on my clothes, and jumping on the servant’s horse, left him to walk back, and gallopped off at full speed. Well, Sir, the door flew open, and Lady Flam met me in the hall, dissolved in tears.

“My good lady,” cried I, “what’s the matter?”

“Oh, Doctor, I’m sorry to give you so much trouble, but knowing your skill and humanity, do look at my poor dear little Sylvio, (the pug dog) who has been in fits these two hours, and prescribe something to restore him.”

“And is that all your grievance, Madam?” replied I, bursting with passion; “God bless my heart, I’m no dog doctor; throw a bason of water over him, by all means.”

“Not for the world!” says her ladyship; “it would give the dear creature his death with cold.”

“Not more so, Madam, than calling a Christian from a warm bed into the damp midnight air; but really, Madam, as I never studied canine maladies, it is out of my power to prescribe; my rest is very essential to me, and if you will leave the dog to nature, you’ll find her an abler physician than I am. I wish your ladyship good night, and request you’ll let your servant fetch back the horse in the morning.”

“Good God! how cruel! how inhuman! I could not have believed it;” exclaimed her ladyship, as I closed the door; and when the servant came to fetch the horse back, he informed me the dog was dead, and his Lady desired I would make out my account, and send it in. There’s a pretty job; I must have a consultation with her to-morrow morning; it won’t do to lose a patient through the casualties of a d—d pug dog.

“I wonder you hadn’t contrived to make a customer of the animal,” replied my uncle laughingly.

“Oh, curse the dog! I saw he was dying, or else I would have sent in a few bottles to repay my trouble. Egad, if she cuts with me, I shall repeat the story to everybody, to exonerate my credit; and, depend upon it, I’ll christen her Lady Fitz-Pug ! Ha, ha, ha! that’s no bad one! Is it, Mr. Victor? Yes, I will, I will, by G—d!”

“Have a care, Doctor,” said my uncle; “the women a’n’t to be duped at all times; it is not every one that submits to calumny and insult with impunity; a fair reputation and a clear conscience is a fortune to any man, and the most essential passport of life.”

“Hem, hem!” cried the Doctor, who did not seem to relish my uncle’s bolus so well as his own Album Græcums ; “we have all our faults, to be sure.”

“True,” replied my uncle; “but how often do we acknowledge or amend them? The beam and the mote, Doctor, hey!”

“Have you heard,” continued the Doctor, “of the new inmate Dr. Markwell expects to-morrow? Why, I understand she’s the most beautiful, accomplished girl, that ever was seen; and as for weight, there’s no want of metal, I’m told: should not care if I’d got a few more sons to strike up to such a prize: sense, beauty, and money; three phœnixes, by God! What say you, Mr. Victor?”

I replied, I could not possibly judge till I had seen the young lady.

“Aye, but I shall see her the first of any man in the village, I’ll bet a bottle.”

“May-be you’ll wait at the rectory door till her arrival,” observed my uncle. “I’ll tell you what, Tonic; you ought to have a pension voted you by the parish, for you are the village chronicle; you know everybody’s concerns, but few know yours, unless they speak for themselves .”

“That’s the beauty of it,” said the Doctor, screwing up his funny eye. “Hear, see, and say nothing.”

“Say nothing of your own affairs,” rejoined my uncle; “for I’m sure you hear and say enough of other people’s; so you break the adage, and yet pretend you abide by it. And, pray now, don’t you know who this said Miss Phœnix is? her birth, parentage, and education—life, character, and behaviour—eh! Doctor?”

“No; I can’t find out the particulars yet; but I know she’s an orphan.”

“Poor girl!” ejaculated my uncle; “then it’s well for her she has property, otherwise she’d meet little respect in this village; and as to getting a husband, our young men are proverbial for marrying girls of fortune, with as little pretension either from merit , person , or equality , as a beggar has to a coronet. No disparagement to your sons , Doctor; but, upon my soul, what with their interested motives of union, and their unconquerable attachment to drinking, they may literally be styled ‘The lads of the bag and bottle. ’”

“Ha, ha, ha!” cried the Doctor; “it’s a good joke, a good joke! the best I’ve heard a long time! Hem, hem!”

“It’s a truism, however,” cried my uncle, “which you have my permission to repeat: I never say any thing I am ashamed of; so that every garrulous old woman in the vicinity may repeat it with as many embellishments as she pleases. A fig for scandal; I hate all tale-bearers.”

“So do I,” said the Doctor, pulling up his frill, and rubbing his brown spuds together: “they are a dangerous set of people; very much so, indeed. No man alive loves a bit of news better than I do; but I detest you fudgers . Truth, sir, the naked truth, for Timothy Tonic. A-propos! pray, have you heard of a certain great man being gone to London this morning, upon an unpleasant embarrassment : in fact, I saw him get into the coach myself: I wished him a pleasant journey; and, with a very grave face, he answered me, “he much doubted it would prove so.” Of course, I immediately guessed how matters stood.”

“Then you’ve only guessed at it,” replied my uncle; “you suppose —you imagine —you think —you have an idea , on which collective fabric of visions you build your assertion, without the slightest foundation.”

“Aye, but I have my suspicions ,” answered the Doctor.

“Pshaw,” retorted my uncle; “suspicion is the vilest imp of hell, worse than all the hellebore, aquafortis, and hemloch, in your shop: it’s the strongest poison upon earth. What! you a Doctor, and not know how to eradicate such a complaint; unless, indeed, it’s constitutional .”

“Let’s have a rub,” exclaimed the Doctor; and thus the controversy ended; though, in my opinion, the man of medicine had received a very good rub , from my uncle’s incontrovertible truisms: and down to cribbage we sat; where, in about two hours, the Doctor lost fourteen six-penny games, and betted as many shillings with me on his own superior play, for he was reckoned the best cribbage-player in the village; but Fortune, being in a fickle mood, gave us the advantage of her favours, and sent the poor Doctor home, a second time, the picture of ill luck and vexation.