CHAP. IV.

The next morning I was up with the larks, and down in the garden; for, as I understood my uncle never rose early, I determined to improve the moment, and try if I could not assist Geoffry in replacing the espalier, which, with my assistance and his dexterity, we soon accomplished so as to preclude discovery; and thankful was I to Geoffry for his ingenuity on that subject, and also the broken pane, for which I rewarded him with a crown, and we were reciprocally pleased.

I then returned to the house, where I amused myself with a volume of Petrarch for above an hour, till the hobbling footstep of my uncle sounding on the stairs, made me close the book, and offer him the salutation of the morning.

“How have you slept, Sir?” said I.

“Never worse; I’ve been pinched to pieces with the cramp.”

I expressed my sorrow at the intelligence, but no soft reply seemed to palliate my aukwardness or seal my pardon; for he looked as cross as a cat in a passion, when her ears lay horizontal, and she spits at her enemy most ungracious.

Breakfast was immediately served, and my uncle mumped his French roll still sullen; I ventured to start several subjects, but none agreed with his humour; for his only reply was a laconic snap of “like enough;” “may be so;” “should not wonder;” expressions which, in my opinion, always tend to quash a subject, but never offer an encouragement.

The breakfast equipage had not been removed five minutes before Doctor Tonic presented himself at the gate.

“Here comes old Dose-um with some fresh species of scandal,” said my uncle; “I just wish he was an hundred miles off; for I’m not in the humour to listen to his gabble.”

The Doctor made his entrée as usual, hem—hemming, winking, sniffling, bowing, and how-d’ye-doing, then slapping me on the shoulder, “you’re a sad chap, Mr. Victor; you filled my glass too often; got a wretched head-ach this morning. Hem! hem! don’t know how I got home. Mrs. Tonic read me a pretty curtain lecture, I assure you. Hem! hem! I just called to say we shall be glad of your company to meet a little party to-morrow; dinner on table at three precisely; village hours to be sure; but we medical men must make our meals conform to our engagements; we’ll make you heartily welcome; my house is liberty hall. A-propos! I must introduce you to my sons, two clever dogs! fine fellows; Tonics to the back bone; chips! family chips! Sir, yes, yes, they’ve feathered their nests well, I promise you; let my son Bob alone for a marksman ; got a nice girl for his wife and plenty of the needful; a Broomfield one stick and stiver, tight little heiress; no bad catch, hey?”

“A very happy man, Sir, no doubt,” said I.

“Aye, happy as a lark! Prosperous profession; d—d clever dog! be a physician very shortly. Yes, yes, the Tonics are the family to get cash; why now there’s my second son, Dick, what has he done for himself? Married a ten-thousand pounder; there’s luck for you! But then, he’s a sharp shrewd fellow; wit and ability at his finger’s end! In short, he’s a Tonic, and I should not wonder if my girls were to be as fortunate in a pair of coronets. Who knows what may happen?”

The Doctor now drew his watch; “Heyday! I’ve exceeded my time; my horse is waiting,” continued the Doctor. “Good morning, gentlemen; you’ll pilot your nephew, squire; beef and bottle at three, remember;” and in a censequentia full trot he left the room, crossed the hall, and swung his tail out of the gate in a twinkling.

“The Doctor,” said I, “seems brim full of family consequence; he seemed determined to let me know what company I was going to be introduced to.”

“The Doctor don’t want for pride,” replied my uncle; “it’s an hereditary legacy that devolved from his family, with the addition of a disorder called the horse mania , with which they were all individually afflicted; for so long as the Doctor could but ride, it was all he cared about; racing, trotting matches, or hunting, he was always cock of the game; but as he advanced in years, the infection abated; and the Doctor now contents himself with a knife and fork and a bottle at any table in the parish; but come, boy, let us equip ourselves for a ramble round the village, and I’ll introduce you to some of my neighbours.”

My uncle now dashed off his red night-cap, and retired with Geoffry to his dressing-room, while I sprucified myself to encounter the killing eyes of Miss Elizetta Tonic and all the village belles, who were no doubt bent upon quizzing the young cockney; but as my heart was extremely independent and perfectly in my own keeping, I sallied forth like a second Achilles , invulnerable, as I thought, at all points.

No sooner was my uncle dressed, than he dispatched old Geoffry with the turbot as a present to the rector, adding his compliments, and he should call on him in the course of the morning; but before we attempt to start for our peregrination, I must give you the portrait of my uncle just emerged from the duties of his dressing closet.

He was habited in an apple green coat, an embroidered waistcoat, black satin inexpressibles, fastened at the knees by gold buckles, a pair of which, in a quadrangular form, graced his shoes; his ancestorial cane was ornamented with three gold enamelled sliders, surmounted by an amber head, the centre of which was adorned by a superb ruby, and was the terrific talisman of every crying child and dog in the village; a small low-crowned hat, (whose rim partook of no shape either round, three-cornered, or square, but something in the similitude of a warped oval pye dish,) bound with a narrow gold lace, was squeezed on over a full powdered tye wig, to which was attached a small bag, which positively rendered him a complete Bond-street caricature in the semblance of some famous tooth-drawer, while, as I contemplated his figure, I blessed my stars that I was not compelled to sport such a companion in the public walks of London; for in fact I felt such strong sensations of risibility influencing every muscle, that I dared not look him in the face for several minutes, till I had conquered the troublesome convulsion of an inward chuckle.

At length off we marched arm in arm, but as usual, I walked too fast; I sprung like a doe; I scampered like a penny postman; I walked like the motion of a sedan chair, because from the length of my step I heaved my body in such a violent manner that my uncle declared I lifted him off the ground at every jerk. I begged pardon (concluding my perplexities were again beginning, and mortified that at the age of twenty-four I should not know the proper use of my legs, without my uncle’s back-string as a check,) and of course willing to endeavour to please, I slackened my pace, and we proceeded towards a handsome red brick house, which my uncle pronounced to belong to Mr. Prolix, the village lawyer, with whom having trifling business, we called to adjust, and were introduced by young Penna-Polygraph , the smirk engrossing clerk, into a sort of cat-swing office, crammed with all the quill and parchment treasures of the owner, who was counting over six and eight-pence from the hands of a poor peasant for a threatening letter, three halfpence of which he refused taking, declaring them bad, “according to law;” but our unexpected appearance settled the difficulty in one moment, and the poor client was ordered to withdraw, while Mr. Prolix silently pocketed the fee without demur.

My uncle, in his usual unceremonious way, abruptly introduced me, and Mr. Prolix in return bowed with stately consequence: he was a tall lusty man, of swarthy complexion, a short pug nose turned up close between his eyes, and stuck in the cavity of a pair of cheeks that gave him the appearance of a brown cherubim, such as I have seen carved in oak over the altar piece of a country church; he begged us to be seated, (probably that we might take up less room,) and after a few minutes conference on matters that did not concern me, we arose to take our departure.

“You’ll take a glass of bounce this morning, good Sir?” said Mr. Prolix addressing my uncle with a low query countenance, mingled with the hopes of a negative.

“When did you ever know me do such a thing?” replied my uncle; “No, no, I’ve no opinion of your morning dram drinkers; excuse me, but it’s no compliment; it’s a mere insult to nature; keep your bounce, Master Prolix, it sha’nt bounce me. Your servant, your servant. How’s Mrs. Prolix and the young “cherubim and seraphims,” for methinks, “they continually do cry,” whenever I come into the house; aye, there’s your nursery peal commencing; good morning! good morning!”

Mr. Prolix, whose bronze cheek mantled with a tincture of indignation, made no reply, but with a sullen bow conducted us to the door, and on we marched.

“Why, you touched the lawyer pretty sharp, Sir,” said I, as we walked on.

“Yes, I bounced at him, sure enough; he knew he could not affront me more, though he has repeated the question fifty times. I hope I have now shamed him out of it; a glass of liquor may do to bamboozle the wits of a clodhopper , but he forgets who he’s dealing with when he talks to me.”

“Is he clever in the profession?” asked I.

“Oh, yes, he’s a tight hand at a will ; for instance, he can entangle a major and minor legacy with the dexterity of a spider, and like Harlequin, transform an old woman’s plum cake bequest into a chancery mess of law pottage , by bringing the infant’s noble to nine-pence; and the adult’s nine-pence to nothing ; so much for law , equity out of the question; zounds, I hate lawyers as I hate the——”

My uncle had scarce finished his ejaculation, when the rector came in sight, and we improved our pace to greet him. “Here comes one of the best men living,” said my uncle, and in a moment their hands joined in reciprocal union.

“The Reverend Dr. Markwell,” said my uncle, introducing the venerable divine; “my nephew, Victor, good Doctor, whom you’ve so often heard me mention as an unruly dog of a school boy, but I believe he can hold a Latin confab with your reverence in tolerable style.”

Doctor Markwell, the express image of benignity in form and feature, pressed my hand in the most friendly manner, and assured me he augured much pleasure in the prospect of my society, and concluded by observing his library was at my service during my residence in the country, which he hoped I should avail myself of whenever agreeable; “and to-morrow,” added the worthy man, “I shall have an acquisition to my family by the arrival of a young lady, who is placed by her guardian under my care, during his absence on a foreign tour. Mrs. Markwell is delighted with the idea, and we shall be happy to add your company to our society.”

I thanked him for his proffered civility, assured him I would avail myself of the privilege he so kindly gave me, and hoped I should not be an intruder.

“The boy’s full of compliments,” said my uncle, “but do me the favour when you go home, to drink his health over a turbot you’ll find awaiting your appetite, and if it proves good, give him credit as the donor. Good bye? we have a few calls to make, and your time may be precious; We’ll look in upon you to-morrow.”

Doctor Markwell now pursued his walk, and we ours, till we came within view of Lady Lustre’s villa.