CHAP. III.

Imagine a man of the middling stature, a complexion truly Egyptian, embellished by two black eyes, not a pair, for one was constantly screwed up like an old woman’s money box, in consequence of a defect in the sight; a pair of enormous black bushy eye-brows, and a mouth wide enough to have swallowed his own pestle and mortar; though, in fact, beside eating , its chief employment was to retail all the news of the village, which the Doctor collected and disbursed wholesale; a black coat striped waistcoat, brown inexpressibles and boots, subjoined to a snug brown bob wig, and a cocked hat, which tending to add fierceness to ugliness , completed his figure.

A violent hem! hem! (loud enough to have raised instant annihilation to a nervous patient) and a profound bow added to half a dozen swaggering professional steps , brought him to my uncle’s side.

“How d’ye do, Sir? How d’ye do to-day?”

And down he sat sniffing his nose, snapping his eyes, and distorting his features with a variety of nervous catches and gestures, during which operation he had fixed his eye intently on me, which my uncle observing, said:

“That’s my nephew Victor, just arrived from London, to spend some time with me.”

The Doctor bowed. “How d’ye do, Mr. Victor? I thought I discerned a family likeness, I declare; I shall be glad to see you with your respected uncle, to take a bit of mutton at my house. Mrs. Tonic and my family will be happy in the acquisition of your company, and if you are fond of music, my daughter Elizetta can give you a treat.”

“Pish!” cried my uncle, and fidgetted upon his chair, while I assured the Doctor I would do myself the pleasure of waiting on him.

“You won’t repent, I dare say,” replied the Doctor, “my daughters are devilish nice clever girls; hem! hem! e’ent they, Sir?” addressing my uncle, who, instead of replying, set up a ptisicky cough.

The Doctor’s glove was off in a moment, and his Mulatta fingers (decked with five mourning rings, which he constantly wore as badges of respect, sacred to the merits of his profession) were applied to the vibration of my uncle’s pulse.

“Why, you’ll live to be ninety, squire; your pulse possesses the vigour of youth; but pray take your cough linctus; I’ll send you another pot.”

“I won’t touch it, by G—d; I can’t bear the sight of it. Don’t I always tell you, Doctor Tonic, you and I should be much better friends, if you would not bore me to death with your medicine. Physic the whole parish, and welcome; but you nor any man alive shall physic me. Nature gave me the cough, and nature’s like to take it away.”

“Well, well; hem! hem! every man in his humour,” answered the Doctor; “I only spoke for your relief,” and his cheek assumed a brickdust tinge.

“Why don’t you prescribe your self a glass of Madeira?” said my uncle; “fill the Doctor a bumper, nephew.”

I obeyed; the Doctor cocked his game eye at it; clicked his tongue, nodded his approbation, sipped again, and then finished it in a slow gulph.

“Capital! capital! the best wine I’ve tasted a long time. Hem! hem! had some tolerably fair though at the young fox-hunter’s t’other day; egad! Sir, we finished fifteen bottles among seven of us. Hem! hem! pretty fair dose; had a d—d head-ache next morning; took a little hiera picra; got myself all alive again; tough, Sir, tough;” and the Doctor began to unbutton his coat, and swell a little. “Wasn’t a partaker of the sports of the field, because I was engaged attending Lady Faddle’s whitlow; but I do assure you I made up for it over the haunch; fat three inches deep, upon my soul, and every mouthful flavoured by a glass of claret; and if, by the bye, we should ever be fortunate enough to have a heir in the family, the squire swears he’ll dress a turtle on the occasion, and have the boy christened in the shell afterwards. Hah! hah! hah.”

“Come, come, to order, Doctor,” said my uncle; “don’t laugh so loud; I ee’nt in the humour to laugh; help yourself to another glass.”

The Doctor didn’t want twice asking, but tossed down another bumper; then turning to my uncle, and applying his mouth close to his ear, he in an audible whisper exclaimed, “Have you heard Miss P——’s adventure with the young officer?”

“Not I;” answered my uncle peevishly; “I never attend to any body’s adventures but my own, and that’s quite enough for any man, I’m sure.”

“Nay, but my good Sir,” resumed the Doctor, “a man cannot stop his ears.”

“But perhaps you could for him,” interrupted my uncle; “for I’m sure if you roar as loud to every body as you do to me, you’re enough to stun a whole parish.”

“Well, well; hem! hem! I’ll modulate my tone,” continued the Doctor, “for I must tell you the news; of course, you know there was a ball last night at the Dolphin?” My uncle nodded.

“Well, Sir, Miss P—— was there in her usual style of flirtation, and egad! picked up a young officer of dragoons, who happened to be a sojourner at the Dolphin, and danced with him the whole evening; lost her shoe, fainted away in his arms twice (for the pleasure of being restored by his caresses, as every body allowed,) and in short, rendered herself extremely ridiculous. Well, Sir, but how did it finish?”

“Why how the d——l should I know?” exclaimed my uncle.

“Then, Sir, I’ll just explain. When the ball broke up, it happened to be four o’clock in the morning, and of course, the captain could do no less than see his fair partner safe home; he had tied his fine cambric handkerchief over her head to prevent cold, and just as they reached her father’s door, before they rapped; observe you, before they attempted to lift the rapper; Sir, my gardener unexpectedly crossing an opposite style, espied the Captain in the very act of ——” Here the Doctor was seized with a sudden tickling in the œsophagus; from what cause I could not define.

“Why, the story seems to choak you, Doctor,” said my uncle sarcastically; “you had better not explain any farther clap a plaister over the sore part.”

“There happens to be no sore part in the case,” replied the Doctor; “but as I was observing, the Captain was in the act of——.” Again the tickling strangled the remainder of the sentence, which so provoked my uncle, whose patience and credibility were alike exhausted, that he petulantly exclaimed:

“D—— the act, as you call it, and the cough too; why don’t you take some of your specific linctus you recommended me just now?”

Poor Doctor Tonic, after hem! hem! hemming a score times, (every volley of which acted as an electric shock on my uncle’s nerves,) thus continued, much to the gratification of my curiosity, to know what act the Captain and Miss P—— were engaged in, that could excite the Doctor’s attention, and so eager repetition, as caused him to choak before he could explain it. “Sir,” resumed the Doctor, “the action I mean to explain was a liberty ; yes, Sir, a daring open liberty by broad day-light; the very sun shone upon them at the moment.”

“What moment?” said my uncle, staring aghast.

“Why, at the very moment, he was kissing her hand, after drawing off her glove, which my gardener positively saw him put into his pocket. There now, what d’ye think of that? what do you think of that? hey! squire, hey?”

“Wheugh!” cried my uncle, setting up a whistle of derision, “if that’s the summum-bonum of the story, I am clearly of opinion it’s one of your village fudges ; you’ll excuse me; but in the first place, I never believe what I hear , and always doubt what I see .”

“Hem! hem! that’s being incredulous with a vengeance,” retorted the Doctor, piqued at the disbelief of his captious auditor; “however, what I have asserted is fact; my Daniel can prove it. I had it from him.”

“Then give it him back,” said my uncle, “and, hark ye me! tell him he’s an old fool to gabble about a pack of boys and girls; if he’d been digging in your garden, he’d have been much better employed. Now, I warrant you have spread this pretty tale as thick as you would the cantharides on a blister. I’ll be bound every child in the parish knows it; and so, between physic and scandal, you continue to pick a living, by picking others. Don’t be so professional; don’t probe too close; you understand me.”

The Doctor looked confused, and my uncle poured him out another glass, and in half an hour the bottle was finished.

By this time the Doctor’s best eye began to twinkle like a star of a wet night , and after the ceremony of tea handed round by Geoffry, my uncle proposed his favourite game of three-handed cribbage, and down we sat, where the poor Doctor was completely eased of carrying home the weight of a crown piece, which not a little irritated his temper, and a light supper and a bowl of punch sent him reeling home at midnight under the protection of Geoffry.

“Now, if he should meet Miss P—— and the Captain,” said my uncle, “he won’t discern any liberties, I’ll be bound for him, a foolish old dolt. The man has his virtues, I don’t dispute, and he has his vices; in short, he is a complete country apothecary , who knows every thing, and makes much ado about nothing; but you shall accept his invitation, and be introduced to his family; you know what he has said of his daughters;” and my uncle smiled for the first time I had seen his muscles inclined to relax.

“And what do you say of them?” said I.

“I say nothing; I leave every one to judge for themselves,” replied my uncle; “but come, the hour is late; the female servants are gone to rest, and as soon as Geoffry returns, I will shew you your bed room; for you must know I see all the candles out before I retire; but you shall have my light to undress by, and then I’ll fetch it away myself.”

Geoffry now returned, and after the usual ceremony of fastening the hall door, wished his master good night, and decamped to bed.

My uncle now began his usual round of inspecting every room in the house, to see no particle of fire remained alight, and I was deputed to carry the two candles, (one lighted and the other unlighted,) and stood centinel outside every door, that, as Paddy says, he might have a clear view in the dark.

We had examined six apartments in this style, when most unfortunately, in shutting the door of the drawing room, the wind extinguished the candle, and left us as motionless as two Egyptian mummies.

My uncle vociferated a volley of execrations, while I proposed calling the servant to strike a light; but my uncle peremptorily refused, and said they were all snoring long ago, and should not be disturbed.

“Keep to the right hand, and take hold of my arm,” continued my uncle; “we must find our way up as well as we can; I’ll conduct you to your chamber, and you must tumble into bed, and thank yourself only for the inconvenience you have suffered.”

“Do let me call Geoffry, Sir?”

“No, Sir, I tell you once more you shall not call Geoffry; so come along.”

“But suppose you should fall, Sir,” continued I.

“Why, then you must pick me up again. Why suppose things that may never happen? None but fools ever trouble themselves to suppose ; a wise man scorns an idea so incongruous to reason.”

By this time we had groped our way to the hall clock, the exact contrary direction to what we ought to have taken.

“Zounds!” exclaimed my uncle, “we’re all wrong; we must face about to the left. I’ve hit my elbow a confounded blow.”

“I was afraid you would, Sir,” replied I; “I’d give a guinea for a light. I hope you haven’t hurt yourself.”

“What if I have?” answered my uncle snappishly; “you’re the cause of it.”

Thus squabbling, stumbling, and poking about, at length my uncle found the door of my chamber, and with outstretched hands twirling in pugilistic attitudes, we caught hold of the bed curtain.

“We’re landed at last,” cried my uncle, “and you must now shift for yourself. My room joins this; therefore, we are now safe; scramble into bed as well as you can, and I’ll do the same.”

A reciprocal “good night,” “good night,” ended our dark perplexity, and glad was I the day had finished, and put an end to my troubles.