THE TWENTIETH PAPYRUS

But, upon the instant when we stood in open country at the base of the rock, there came a fearful whirring of the wings of blameless harpies, beating down upon us, raucously screeching, calling titans and furies to their aid. But the Dioskoyroi laughed these bestial birds to scorn; and Polydeykes dashed his iron-studded boxing-glove into their ugly faces, whereat the ill-breathing wardens of the damned became melancholy, and fled back to their station on the wall, feeling much hurt.

But we went on through the murk, entering a secret chamber in the house of Hades, where were food and drink, corn-cakes the strength of men, with cheeses and the fat haunches of pigs, and honey-hearted wine. Here, also, by the arts of Queen Persephone, I found all my gear, and my silver-shining armour piled upon a bed, and baths of boiling water for washing. And having cleaned away my abounding sweat and slime, I anointed myself, coming out of the bath like to the immortals in person, and was visited by the shades of most accomplished barbers. But, when I sat down to a repast (not because of hunger, for, in that life I was not afflicted with the craving belly, pernicious, which brings so many evils to mortal men, but merely for the pleasure of eating and drinking with friends), then, indeed, godlike Kastor and Polydeykes served me as squires for a religious reason,⁠[48] girding me again with my silver-shining armour glittering with rock-crystals and blue moonstones, which I won from Aias son of Telamon, in a foot-race, after lordly Akhilleys had left the earth.

Which matters having been concluded, the Great Twins conducted me to the presence of well-disposed Queen Persephone, who addressed to me unwinged words, saying: “O much-enduring grandson of Hermes, always wily and ready at need, my cousin Golden Helen hath persuaded me on thy behalf; and I will protect thee as far as may be from my shady husband’s wrath. For King Hades hath a bitter spirit, and is fain to do thee wrong, by reason that thou already hast evaded him twice, and, also, that thou (by thy wiles and a woolly sheep) didst cause to suffer much in mind and to perish most miserably his sweet friend the Kyklops Polyphemos. Nevertheless I will beseech the king to let thee go in peace, for the sake of avoiding fresh wiles of thine.”

Then came long-robed Helen, the divine one of goddesses; and I read in her amber eyes that which told me (even more than her song had told me) that she was mine now, even as she had been willing to be mine in Egypt long before. Glowed then the heart in my dear breast with love and joy; and my very form swelled hugely with pride of conquest: for, not to everyone of earth-trampling men is it given to win the love of a goddess so true that she will wait for him during a thousand years.

And so we passed into the judgment-hall of Hades, most righteous of gods brooding on his shady throne: that that which had to be done might be well-done with the least possible delay. And, before the king, the judges were giving dooms to the unnumbered dead, as usual. But Queen Persephone stood before him; and she held my hand, and said: “O king and lord of shades, it pleaseth me that King Odysseys should retire forthwith from these dismal realms, with his life, and with all else which belongeth to him.”

But, at sight of me, surly Hades bounced and had a borborygm; and he quickly answered her, saying: “Such, O daughter of Demeter, is by no means my intent: but now I will toss him into Tartaros, there to lie for ever, on account of his presumption in coming hither after having twice escaped me, and also on account of the woes which his prepotence wrought wilily upon my sweet friend, the giver of cherished gifts, even the Kyklops Polyphemos who gave me this blooming helmet of viewless night.”

But the holy queen persisted, saying: “Odysseys shall not lie for ever in Tartaros: for my cousin, Golden Helen, hath persuaded me for his sake. Yet, seeing that he cannot go hence without thy leave, I say let him fight a select champion for his liberty.”

But the shady king of terrors instantly assented, saying: “So mote it be. And irrevocable doom shall come upon him when he has been properly slain.”

But the Stygian queen smiled in scorn, mocking a king so foolish as to think that a woman, a daughter of Great Zeys, could not find some crafty wile for evading an adverse chance if necessary.

And the king cried again, saying: “Who, of all the heroes here, will fight against Odysseys, grandson of Hermes, for the honour of the house of Hades?”

And straightway answered him Attik Theseys the conqueror of the Kretan Minotayr, and loud-shouting impotent old sandy-haired King Menelaos, and woman-mad Paris son of Dardanian Priam, saying: “That will we do, O dread lord: for, of old, we sought the love of long-robed Helen, to have her after the manner of men and women. But she rejected us, favouring Odysseys with her amber eyes, from her girlhood to this day. Wherefore, we are ready to fight against him on thy behalf, O Dominator of the netherworld.”

And these three made their way to the front of the throne. Now Theseys was a stalwart hero and a very worthy champion: moreover, his very nose had gone black with jealous hatred. But sandy-haired Menelaos was merely an aged screecher and whimperer, blear-eyed, rheumy-nosed, scraggy, knotty as to the joints, and unfit to be put to tussle even with a foot-boy’s slut out of the kitchens. And Phrygian Paris, once the comely shepherd of Ida, was a flaccid obese weakling, exhausted by excess, against whom I should have been ashamed to lift a finger. So I said. But, from afar, there came a great bellowing from Salaminian Aias son of King Telamon, very mad with rage, saying that he would fight on the part of King Menelaos, having also a private grievance to avenge, in that I had won from him (on the plain of windy Ilion) the armour of glorious Akhilleys. And great-hearted Hektor, son of King Priam, took up the cause of his wasted brother Paris, claiming the right of fighting against me because of the ruin which I worked on his house and city by my wile of the Wooden Horse.

But shady Hades sniggered, saying: “Not one of these three champions, who hold my honour so dear, shall be disappointed. Wherefore, fight each of you in turn; and let King Theseys fight first. And, if so be that no Odysseys is left in life to fight loud-bellowing Aias and great Hektor in turn, then, indeed, the blame will not be mine.”

But Queen Persephone cried: “Now would it be foul shame to pit a single man, even though he be King Odysseys whom they call Peer of Zeys in Counsel, against three heroes so justly famous in battle, princes renowned throughout all time. Wherefore I, the queen, call for two heroes to fight side by side with King Odysseys, upholding the honour of Queen Persephone protecting him.”

And, almost before the goddess had ceased from speaking, and, while King Hades was yet frowning in perplexity, Argive Diomedes the well-thewed son of King Tydeys cried: “I will fight cheerfully for the honour of Queen Persephone, and for my ancient friendship with King Odysseys, with whom, by night, I attacked the hardy Thrakians who wear their red hair bunched on the crown of their heads.”

Then, indeed, the mind in my breast rejoiced: for I knew that, with my old comrade Diomedes (a mighty man of war) by my side, many very virtuous and proper deeds would be done against the hostile champions. But, while I wondered who would be my other sword-fellow and shield-friend, the voice of great-hearted implacable Akhilleys declared that his god-forged armour might in no wise go into battle, he being present, unless he himself fought by its wearer’s side. But I knew then that I should not tarry long among the ghosts.

King Hades preened himself at the prospect of bloody war; and, seeing three sons of kings ready to contend with three sons of kings, he made no more ado, but began to embody the shades of these five heroes, furnishing them with bodies and limbs and arms and armour such as they had used in their very prime, when (living) they stamped on the earth the giver of grain.

Now it is not to be thought that I, when I saw such notable magic being done before my eyes, could (or would) refrain from offering also a specimen of my own proficiency. But I determined at once to let King Hades see how great a mage he had been minded to treat thus bitterly, and (at the same time) to comfort my friends and to secure respectful opinions from the inhabitants of the netherworld there present in innumerable multitudes.

Wherefore, seeing the ghosts of those five heroes becoming clothed with live flesh and about to be armed by their proper squires, I nobly refused the service of the Great Twins, star-crowned, when they would have prepared me for the fray. And the eyes of all, from highest to lowest instantly became fixed upon me. But I stood still, summoning certain forces within me, and silently saying the Spell called The Summons which must be Answered.

And, forthwith, Thalos my foot-boy (whose life was bound to mine) came from the misty meadows of asphodel, where he and Neandros and my silver chariot were waiting for me. Fearlessly he came, entering the judgment-hall of Hades, thinking of naught but his duty to his lord. And it was very strange to see a mere boy, mortal, but alive and very healthy, wearing his usual sandals and short mantle, running toward me through so vast a throng of naked shades. But the dead all made way for him, being beaten back and most dreadfully worried: for he was (as I was) immune against death by reason of my magic and also by reason of the grace of his own luminous innocence. And, having come to me, he went over the clasps of my armour in the usual manner, saying nothing. But, when he had done his service, he went (at my command) and crouched by the feet of long-robed Helen.

Then, again, I called, calling (this time) as Master.

And forthwith there came in Delphic Phoibos Apollon as Knight of the Sun, and Arkadian Hermes as Knight of East and West and North and South, and lordly Ares as Knight of Kadosh, and Lemnian Hephaistos as Knight of the Brazen Serpent, and Theban Herakles (who, they say, changed wives with Zeys) as Knight of the Sword of the East, all gloriously triumphant, and, also, beardless Dionysos as Noahite Patriarch, and pale Death and dusky Sleep as Princes of Mercy, and immortal Eros as Prince of the Royal Secret, each one giving me the greeting of his own degree. But to them I responded as Master. They seated themselves on the bench with the judges Aiakos, Minos, and Rhadamanthos. And I remember how that the shade of accursed Thersites, humpty-backed, blameless, took a mind-grieving toss from lordly Ares, having presumed (as his wont was) to thrust himself unbidden into the pews of his betters. And inextinguishable laughter arose among the shades, when they saw the staggering unhappiness of that chatterbox Thersites.

But, when all was ready, I took my place, having kissed the still brow of Golden Helen. But the touch of the goddess, though her mien was strange and unresponsive, put strength into my shoulders and knees, and placed in my breast the boldness of a fly, which persists in biting, although often driven away by a mortal man whose blood is its most delicate sweetmeat. For I burned with an insatiable desire for slaying, nor to surcease therefrom till all were gone who stood between me and Golden Helen. For I was in face of her, for pious reasons.

Thus, indeed, were the champions placed: at my side, I had great-hearted Akhilleys on my left, and well-thewed Diomedes on the right: but at the other side, renowned Theseys faced me, and keen Hektor faced Akhilleys, and sacrilegious Aias faced Diomedes. And we were to fight with spears and swords. But my wily revolver was ready to my hand; and long-robed Helen held my black bow, which sang of war and the slaughter of heroes till King Hades gave signal for the onset.

Theseys thrust his spear straight at my best eyelid, terribly shouting: but I raised my shining shield like a flash of white thunder, taking his point full on the god-made boss of it. And the heavenly silver rang true as a bell. But I, stooping, drove up with my own spear, which he (also) took on his shield. But, so mightily had I thrust it, that the head stuck fast in the metal: nor could I tear it again from the grip of his shield. He, then, noisily swang his targe aside, snatching away my weapon. But I dashed in, battering him with my own shield, till he was beaten to his knee. And, while he recollected himself, I drew my sword and lopped off his spear-head, pressing hard with my shield against his, and hewing at his head. But he, cunning, took my strokes on his well-crested helmet, while he fumbled for his sword. Nevertheless, his head must have hummed, for sparks fell thickly on all sides from every blow, as they fall from a red-hot horse-shoe smitten upon an anvil in a winter’s night. And, when once more we were equally armed, we fell to fighting very seriously; and, for a time, neither of us gained an advantage.

But, suddenly, I heard a great sob on my right hand. For well-thewed Diomedes crashed to the ground; and all the netherworld shook at his fall, as a citadel shakes when thumped by a battering-ram. And, at the same time, Aias son of Telamon leaped upon me, masked in blood, and bellowing like a hamstrung bull.

Now, hitherto, notwithstanding the gravity of our combat, neither I nor Theseys had let blood. But, when I saw scarlet Aias coming ravening upon me, and, when I sniffed the delicious odour of a hero’s blood, then, indeed, I accomplished a certain wile. For I feinted downward, to draw the sword of Aias; and, lightening my guard before his eye (half-dimmed with streaming gore) could follow, I lunged upward, plunging my blade like an onion into the bellowing mouth of him, where a wound is particularly painful to a miserable mortal; and awfully my hilt thudded on the bones behind his face, passing right through his head under the brain and bruising the white bones at the back. And his teeth were shivered to splinters; and his two eyes gushed with gore, which he (gaping) made violently to spout also with a bubbling noise from his mouth and from both his ears and nostrils, drenching me with five purple fountains. But his knees relaxed; and he sat down suddenly backward, stretching out his two hands; and Death enveloped him in a pale cloud. In this manner, I lost my sword as well as my spear, being too much occupied to retrieve it from the badly-wrecked face of Aias.

And now one would have said that I was at the mercy of my own enemy: for Theseys all the time did not omit to hack at my head. But I caught his strokes on my shield till it was split in twain, and then upon my crested helmet studded with adamantine crystals and blue moonstones; and his blows were like the blows of a poleaxe wielded by a blooming butcher, or of a sledge-hammer wielded by a lusty smith. But, because I was unarmed and liable to reel giddily under the hero’s onslaught, my noble mind contrived a new wile. And, diving upward under his shield (lest he should wound me in the back), I caught him round the ribs with my long arms, and began to crumple him up. He, indeed, having dropped his shield, smote once on my back: but it was only a half-cut, for my shoulder filled the sweet pit of his sword-arm, preventing him from giving either force or weight unto his effort. Meanwhile, I splintered his crackling ribs one by one, pinching him as ferociously as possible, and wrenching him hither and thither, with a heart full of pure joy, when I felt so renowned a hero as Theseys becoming like a broken basket of entrails in my arms. He, indeed, tried to stab me with his bitter steel, in the intervals when he was neither screeching nor gasping for breath with much hiccoughing. And, anon, having heaved him high above my head, (for he tired me), then I dashed him to the ground, snapping his big backbone with a noise like the quick tearing of linen. But he lapsed limply into a shapeless bundle of broken man; and his last breath shot out with a wet squeak, moistly whistling; and renowned Theseys was once more a shade.

But I sidled away from the carcase, looking toward my left hand, where the two great heroes and masters of perfect swordsmanship were fighting valiantly. And crest-tossing Hektor feigned to slip, half exposing his head: but implacable Akhilleys, for the nonce unwary, brandished his blade for a last terrific blow which should end the battle. But him Hektor overcame, eluding the shield which swang away to the left, and thrusting his own sword through the taslets of the breast-plate deep into the beautiful groin. Nevertheless, the end was not yet. For fierce Akhilleys, though wounded to death, finished the stroke which he had begun. And his sword came down irresistibly on Hektor’s crested helm; and the horse-hair floated away on this side and on that; and the whole casque fell in two halves here and there, like the split shells of a walnut; and the head within, being divided in twain right down to the roots of the throat, flapped upon the shoulders like a halved pomegranate on a sliced stem. In this manner, fell together the two greatest warriors and the two most glorious heroes who ever stamped on the wide-bosomed earth.

But all voices were hushed at the splendour of the sight, grieving that the five famous sons of kings should so soon have ceased from sweet life, again becoming shades. And I, also, stood in silence: for I was still rather dizzy. But, all at once, shady Hades shouted from his throne: “This much-contriving Odysseys again hath tricked us by some magic wile. Ha, Titans, hold him!”

And, on the word, the enormous monsters lumbered in my direction. But all the shades began to gibber like bats, moaning with fear; and the shade of great-hearted Akhilleys became paler with horror, because of King Hades’ treachery. But Thalos, my foot-boy, lithely leaped from crouching at the feet of Golden Helen; and, having snatched my black bow from her (but she gave it willingly), he thrust it into my hand, standing alertly close behind me with my quiver, ready to feed me with arrows. And, in an instant, I bent the great bow to the string, while it sang shrilly with joy, loosing the well-feathered shafts which swiftly hissed down the long hall; and they bit the eyeballs of the titans so that they yelped like whipped whelps in their displeasure, falling as great oaks crash earthward in storms, littering considerable areas.

But, as I sped the winged deaths on their way, I heard a terrible cry from the queen. But I, without turning round to her, was suddenly aware that I was seeing on all sides, both before and behind: for the eyes in my face, fearfully rolling, gazed in front; and, when I drew the string of the bent-back bow to my ear with my right hand, the two eye-chalcedonyxes in the magic ring which Hermes, my grandsire, had placed on my third finger looked out over my shoulder in the rear, warning me of danger from that quarter. And I saw shady King Hades, the most righteous of gods, about to dash out my brain with the gigantic key which fits the locks of hell.

But, leaping aside, I evaded the blameless coward’s blow: but, in escaping from the god, I became far away from Thalos who bore my arrows; and my bow shrieked because I could not use it. Once more, King Hades struck at me; and, once more mightily leaping, I eluded the danger. Moreover, I saw, from the bewildered gestures of the shades, that they understood neither what was going on nor the reason of my marvellous agility. And, then, I perceived that the shady one had donned his cyclopean helmet of invisibility, whereby none but a god’s eyes could see him. But I, being hard pressed, determined to use magic of another kind, such as I had found very efficacious against shady hustlers and bullies when I was a subject of Victory queen of the stalwart stately Anglicans. And, first, I praised rustic Pan and wing-footed Hermes, with wildly joyful acclamations: the one for his gift in the touch of fennel on the seashore by Tainaron, whereby I was able to see with the eyes of a god as well as with the eyes of a man, and the other (my grandsire) for his gift of two eyes more than the number allotted to olympians, to say nothing of miserable mortals: for, without these extraordinary faculties, shady Hades would certainly have gotten me again, and for good, and I should have lost Golden Helen for the third and last time.

Wherefore, I plucked out my revolver, as blameless Hades came upon me. He, indeed, had the air of being dreadfully worried, believing himself to be invisible, and yet finding that I was able to dodge him quite successfully. And, having pressed the well-made spring of my weapon with my palm, I pulled the beautiful trigger six times, afflicting the Shady One with a dumdum⁠[49] in each nostril and two in the belly and one in each knee. But he, being a god, was unable to die, even though he had lost his ugly face: but all the same, he was extremely capable of feeling pain; and dreadful pain he felt. Now, as everyone knows, when lordly Ares was wounded by well-thewed Diomedes at the siege of windy Ilion, he hullabalooed (as it is chanted in the canticle) like an army of ten thousand men all mad-drunk with beer. But, King Hades being of the elder generation of the gods, and (therefore) of far vaster bulk than his lusty nephew, the bellowing of nineteen such armies would have been (to the outpouring of his godly griefs and pains) but as the wheezy puling of an infant to the thunder of immeasurable Ocean on a rock-bound coast. For, indeed, the very firmament of the netherworld was riven and cleft asunder by the thuds of his high-stepped capers and contortions, and the bombilation of his vibrant vociferatings to my address.

But I, looking upward through the grateful fissure, saw clear heaven again, and the serenely-sailing Moon, and the glittering constellation of the Crab, and all the holy stars which kindly gaze upon earth-trampling men.

After this manner, did I work notable wiles in the house of blameless Hades.

FOOTNOTES: