CHAP. XVI. A learned dispute concerning the mythology of the word Cat, between two celebrated dictionary writers, and other of the literate compilers of words.

From the attempt to build, came the destruction of that stupendous pile, or rather quarry of stones, called Babel; hence some linguists say the English word babble from that destruction came the confusion of languages, which our modern dictionary-writers, under the pretence of distributing, have thrown all into pye, and are now building, or rather rebuilding that mighty fabric of tongues, by piling and compiling every new year, dictionary after dictionary, folio after folio, so that after a successive generation of the alphabet, every letter of which begets a column if not a whole page, we may expect soon to see a babel built of dictionaries, whose top shall aspire unto the clouds, and once more provoke the almighty thunderer, to send down a vindictive bolt which shall once more throw all tongues into their original confusion. There were at the same time of our hero’s being brought down from his dearest Minty about half a dozen of these Word-wrights, who after having seen the diverting drolls of Shuter and Yates, and among other things the performance of Tom the Harlequin, or Harlequin Tom, (utrum horum mavis accipe) were willing to pay a second visit to our hero, and therefore desired his master, the Jew, to bring him into their presence, that they might once more feast their eyes on a creature, which they affirmed to exceed the leopard in beauty, the tyger in saline qualities, and the antilope shape. This led them into a discourse on the qualities of this creature, and a very learned gentleman, who understood hellenisms started a question or quære—Unde derivature Cat? For, says he with a calendered face, we should first define any word before we can arrive at its constituent parts. The word Cat is a monasylable, made up of the constituent letters C. A. T. so is the word Hat derived (as Tom Brown says) quasi, from the word Hate, because, says that learned antiquarian, men hate to go without their hats, especially quakers, and ladies who wear them, and appear covered in their respect places of worship. Now, let us see, if we can’t find some word analogous in some of the languages, which may bear a similar analogy or corresponding affinity to the word Cat.

Now, gentlemen, in all the languages modern, or ancient, foreign or native, oriental, or occidental, cannot I find a nearer relation to the word Cat, than in the Greek language of which you know I am a perfect master—thus I say Cat, is derived from the Greek κατα, which being a Greek præposition, has several significations—analize the word Cat forward, it reads Cat, and backwards tac, and any other way, act, turn it as you will now, Sir, take the particle, or expletive article, a, a, Cat; turn this and wind it as you will, it must make either, a Cat, or atac, and borrowing an N, by way of subsidiary or ally to support the expletive a, he will then be an, and then it will be an atac, or an attack. Try the greek word κατα—wind him, and turn him, he makes the word, atak, or in our idiom attack, so that our English word, a Cat, and the greek word κατα, signifies, either way atak, or atac. And what creature is more fierce to attack than a Cat, and this I affirm to be the answer to unde drivatum, a Cat, not to mention the precise or indefinite significations of the præpositive expletive κατα. He said, and sate down—next spoke and stood, one split hair, a mighty causuist in words, who perfectly understood how to add, subtract, divide, and multiply in words as accomptants do in figures. He could make fractions, and was able to conjure down the best letter in the alphabet into a cyper, so as to serve him in cases of necessity, either on the right, or the left of an other letter; by the addition of these substitutes, he could make any word stand for, or mean, any thing, as the arithmetician does, with his nine figures, and his beloved, O, he could make them dance country dances, figure in, or figure out, just as he pleased of which I shall by way of examples, or diagram, give the following alphabetical system, of his own projection.

S A T O R

A R E P O

T E N E T

O P E R A

R O T A S

which letters being taken any way compose the same sound, and he defies any algebraist to make such another projection with the nine figures, since he has in this marvellous scheme made use of only eight letters.

He insists that the word Cat was derived from Cate, a delicate sweet-meat, for why? Cats love Cates, and are especially fond of licking cream? hence, the proverb—will a Cat lick cream? And, why not, interrupted another word-wright, named Quasimodo, why not, Cat, from Catherine, or from Catterpillar? This unexpected derivation drew over a great many partizans, of several who were in the seats, and some affirmed, it was the best derivation given as yet—Yes, says Split-hair, if he supports the alphabetical authority. A just objection, replied Quasimodo, but I only take the initial part of the word Cat-her-ine—or if you will Cat-he-ine; I have nothing to do with he-rine, or if you will herring, because to mix it in this place with Cat, would be confounding fish and flesh, and producing an amphibious meaning,—but suppose, Whittington’s Cat, or Montaigne’s Cat was called Kate, from Wittington’s wife Kate, or Cate, wont that do? And as for the word Caterpiller, or Catercousin, or Caterer, or Cat-call, or Cat and nine-tails, or Cat in pan—or Catamite, each and every of these words may be tortured to confess as good a derivation, as your κατα, or attack—and what do you think (says a wag in an adjacent seat) of the word Cat-eg-or-i-cal—much the same says Quasimodo, or the Greek appellative—Hecate, who was a witch, (most Cats are said to be witches, you know) which if you divide, will make out the word—He-cat—(e final left out) or hekaton, a hundred—or Cat-as—Strophe—so that at the fag end of the business instead of a Cat a nine-tails, you may have, a Cat-hekaton or Cat-a-hundred-tails.

While this learned dissertation passed, the German, who expected every moment, that the Hebrew language, would be at length brought on the tapis, eagerly swallowed ev’ry word, without digesting a letter, and having drunk plentifully of the circulating pots, which he emptied, as fast as they came round, he had forgot poor Tom, who by this time was some miles off; this being the whole design of this cabal; the intent, purpose, end, and meaning whereof, was no more than to gule the poor Jew, and steal Tom, by engrossing the German’s attention with porter and chat, till a proper opportunity should be found to loose his chain, and bear him off triumphant; which the fellow employ’d, executed with the most admirable dexterity, and tho’ poor Mr. Shuter, was accused of being concerned in this confederacy, our history entitles us to acquaint him, and Yates, together with all the other droll men, and wild beast men in the fair, and we do aver, they were ev’ry mother’s soul of them out of the plot, neither were any persons, directly, or indirectly in the hum, but the persons above mentioned, we mean the disputants Split-Hair, Quasimodo, and their adherents.