CHAP. XI. Conclusion of the life of Tom Traveller.

After a sweet and most profound repose, such as I have not experienced from the time I had left my father’s house first, I awoke, and knowing that nature after a great sea sickness, for I was sick the whole voyage, found an inclination to an egg or two, so went down and ordered the landlord to get me some for breakfast, who told me that he had none but turkey eggs, and those he was sure I would not eat; I asked him why? for I should like them to choose, if they were new-laid; he said they were laid that morning, but that it was monstrous to eat them in Leghorn, as they were devoted to another use.—What to be set, and hatched said I—ay to be sure, he replied, staring at me, as if I was a fool or a madman, why, continued he, they are devoted to our clergy: Sir, an English sailor like you, once called for eggs, and I had none but turkeyeggs, as is the present case, but he would have them, yes, da—n his eyes, and he had them, but Sir, as he was breaking the shell, out popt a little young cardinal, with a red hat, who thus accosted him.—Why you English son of a bitch, how dare you break my house over my head, though my mother was but an oyster, I’d have you to know that my father was a cardinal; he swore heartily to the truth of it, and finding him a facetious lyar, laughed as heartily as he swore, but nevertheless eat three of the cardinal’s mothers with a great deal of satisfaction; I then took a walk to see the city, in high-dress, and as I was walking through one of the streets, saw a great crowd of people going into a tavern, whom I also accompanied. The landlord seemed to be a man about fifty years of age, of a florid healthy countenance, plump and sleek; who thus accosted, Gentlemen, I am perhaps the greatest curiosity in Europe, how old do you take me to be? all agreed not above fifty, I shall, gentlemen, on the 19th of next month, be in the hundred and fifteenth year of my age, and never drank any thing but water in my life, nor ever knew any woman but my wife, never was bled, never took physic, never knew one sick minute, I thank Providence; now gentlemen follow me, and I’ll shew you a greater prodigy than myself. We followed, and the first thing that presented itself to our sight, was a cradle, in which lay an old man, who seemed to have lived in the days of good queen Bess, so wrinkled, so emaciated was his face; his beard extended to his navel, his eyes sunk in his head, and I could compare the skin to nothing but shrivell’d parchment, well, said the landlord, in that cradle lies my youngest son, he is not 72 till the 14th of March, hardships in war, and travel by sea and land, together with a most dissolute life spent with women, and in drunkenness, have brought him to this untimely old age; he has been a fool these twenty years, which saved his life to this time, because it disabled him from pursuing his former courses, a sad example of immorality and lewdness, as I am a standing monument of the contrary. Thus gentlemen, you have seen two of the greatest curiosities in Leghorn, if not in Europe, for a dollar a piece, and you are all extraordinary welcome.—When the company went away, I asked my landlord if he could provide me an interpreter to shew me the other curiosities of that famous city; which request he soon complied with, and I went with him; I told him my desire of seeing some of the courtezans, and he took me to a public stew; the custom and manner of which being extremely curious, I shall describe to you in as concise a manner as I can. My guide and interpreter knocked at the gate of one of the highest in repute. A porter appeared, to whom he gave two pence in our money. He rung a bell, and this produced an appearance of a priest, who in Italian, which my guide interpreted, remonstrated against our entrance, but this was only form, inveighing solemnly against the heinousness of our intentional sin; the guide paid him his fee for his kind admonition, which was six pence, he also rung a bell, and the doctor appeared, who brought us into his room, and examined us as to our health, but would take nothing but occular proof by convincing his own eyes. When this scrutiny was over, he received the same fee with the parson; in his turn he called the madona, or mother-abbess by ringing a bell, who on the instant appeared, and introduced, into what I may call the painted gallery, which presented us with the pictures of the most celebrated courtezans in Italy, particularly those of Leghorn, both of those who were dead, and of those who were living.—I asked by my interpreter, if the famous beauty Domitella was living, and was answered in the affirmative, and at present in Naples, in keeping by cardinal Putezzi, the Queen’s confessor, and archbishop of Naples. I asked next for the pictures of those women who resided in this particular Licentiadi, and was led into two rooms, the one the sick-room, the other that of health, wherein the pictures were disposed, and changed from room to room, as they fell down, or recovered. She desired me to take my choice, and pointing with my stick to one of the most beautiful in my fancy, was told, she was that night to dance with a young jesuit in disguise, for she is marked with white lead, you see two or three more are taken out already, and who therefore are at the baths preparing to receive their respective lovers.—I asked how many beauties there might possibly be, and was told, that she had then in the college, seventy-four in health, and about ninety ill: I was determined now I was in, to go through with the ceremonies of this temple of Venus, and having singled out another, a bell rung which brought the original to my sight; she happened to be a beautiful little woman, of uncommon vivacity, we dined together, and in the evening, she left me to go to the baths, while my guide and I took a walk mong the parterres and gardens of this common seraglio; we could observe many females of exquisite beauty peeping through the lattices, and some of them wantonly nodded at us, and many were in their smocks. At four the great bell rung to invite us to prayers; I thought this the most daring and flagrant piece of hypocrisy I had ever met with.—I went to prayers, and did as I saw others do; there were a great many elegant women of remarkable beauty, and a great number of men, as well Italians as foreigners; but the young courtezans were disposed in a seperate place from us. After prayers, another bell rung which invited all to the coffee-room, and here was little or no distinction, some drinking by themselves, some in couples, and some in droves, some drank negus, tea, coffee, capillaire, just as they thought proper, there being here, neither distinction, nor respect of persons, but all were well dressed except some English captains, and lieutenants of the navy, who dressed in their own manner, a la mode de vaisseau.

A band of musick then struck up in the assembly-room, one of the largest and handsomest I had ever seen; this was adorned with a gallery for those who did not chuse to dance.—The windows were blinded, and the room illuminated by a number of globes, beside branches of wax candles; we danced and went through all the ceremonies of a ball, or rather ridotto, there being sweet-meats and every other thing elegantly disposed in the buffettos, and about eleven the bell rung for supper which ended at twelve, and then all retired; and every gentleman-lover, was lighted to the scene of delight by his respective sultana. In the morning, I arose and bid my guide who did not dance, nor celebrate any of the mysteries, except taking two or three glasses of wine, to pay the night’s expences, which came in all to no more than a chequin, or nine and six-pence of our money; the cheapest entertainment I had ever met with in my life; for the courtezan herself receives nothing from her lover; and yet they all live in the most accomplished elegance and affluence. The madona, or mother-abbess pays a great rent to the Pope for her license, as do two thousand other houses in this city. What then must all the licensed brothels in Italy pay? this income, thus produced, it is pretended, goes to maintain certain vessels of war to fight against the Turks, but I believe this immense sum centers in the coffers of his holiness, which minds of a tribute arising, formerly in ancient Rome, from the temples of Cloacina, imposed by one of the emperors, and which one of his ministers told him stunk in the noses of the people of Rome; the emperor shewed him a great heap of gold, and asked him if that stunk.—no says the minister; why then says the emperor, why should the tap stink which produces so flagrant, so sweet a smell? We left the temple of Venus, and having discharged my guide, and seen every thing worth attention in Leghorn, took ship to visit the Archipelago, where are dispersed a great number of islands, small and great. Having set to sea, we were overtaken by a storm, and were drove on shore on an island of which the captain said he knew nothing more than that it must certainly be one of the Arches. This made us cautious of going up into the land, without being armed.