Part 4 — CONCERNING SISTERS-IN-LAW. PUNCH. I.
Reading edition
They looked so alike as they sat at their work, (What a pity it is that one isn't a Turk!) The same glances and smiles, the same habits and arts, The same tastes, the same frocks, and (no doubt) the same hearts The same irresistible cut in their jibs, The same little jokes, and the same little fibs— That I thought the best way to get out of my pain Was by—HEADS for Maria, and WOMAN for Jane; For hang ME if it seemed it could matter a straw, Which dear became wife, and which sister-in-law.
II.
But now, I will own, I feel rather inclined To suspect I've some reason to alter my mind; And the doubt in my breast daily grows a more strong one, That they're not QUITE alike, and I've taken the wrong one. Jane is always so gentle, obliging, and cool; Never calls me a monster—not even a fool; All our little contentions, 'tis she makes them up, And she knows how much sugar to put in my cup:— Yes, I sometimes HAVE wished—Heav'n forgive me the flaw!— That my very dear wife was my sister-in-law.
III.
Oh, your sister-in-law, is a dangerous thing! The daily comparisons, too, she will bring! Wife—curl-papered, slip-shod, unwashed and undressed; She—ringleted, booted, and "fixed in her best;" Wife—sulky, or storming, or preaching, or prating; She—merrily singing, or laughing, or chatting: Then the innocent freedom her friendship allows To the happy half-way between mother and spouse. In short, if the Devil e'er needs a cat's-paw, He can't find one more sure than a sister-in-law.
IV.
That no good upon earth can be had undiluted Is a maxim experience has seldom refuted; And preachers and poets have proved it is so With abundance of tropes, more or less apropos. Every light has its shade, every rose has its thorn, The cup has its head-ache, its poppy the corn, There's a fly in the ointment, a spot on the sun— In short, they've used all illustrations—but one; And have left it to me the most striking to draw— Viz.: that none, without WIVES, can have SISTERS-IN-LAW.
THE LOBSTERS. [Footnote: Appeared at the time of the Anti-popery excitement, produced by the titles of Cardinal Wiseman, etc.] PUNCH.
As a young Lobster roamed about, Itself and mother being out, Their eyes at the same moment fell On a boiled lobster's scarlet shell "Look," said the younger; "is it true That we might wear so bright a hue? No coral, if I trust mine eye, Can with its startling brilliance vie; While you and I must be content A dingy aspect to present." "Proud heedless fool," the parent cried; "Know'st thou the penalty of pride? The tawdry finery you wish, Has ruined this unhappy fish. The hue so much by you desired By his destruction was acquired— So be contented with your lot, Nor seek to change by going to pot."