KINGS OF BEASTS (continued 2)

I asked Jack what did he do for to escape. Just then Uncle Ned, which had come in and heard the last part of the story, he spoke up and said, Uncle Ned did: “Johnny, you will have to excuse the witness, for he cant be compelled to say any thing which will disgrace him, so I will jest answer that question my own self. He escaped from them terrible fellers by lyin down and sleepin it off.”

DOMESTICAL HENS

HENS is good to eat, but not the old he ones, which is a fighter. They lay eggs and cackle. Some boys can cackle as good as a hen, but no eggs. Hens dont lay eggs on Sunday, but the minister he preaches. Billy says if the hens didnt lay eggs they would bust and if the minister didnt preach he would be sick. Our old hen she wanted for to set, but father he didnt, so he boiled a egg real hot and laid it in her nest. She went and straddled it and looked up at father like he was a fool. Then she shaked her self together and shut up her eyes and settled down to her work, much as to say: “You see I am a havin my way about this thing.”

But pretty soon she gave a awful squok and jumped up and run round and round, like her head was cut off and she couldnt see her way. After that she was so afraid of eggs that when she couldnt help layin one she would run and fly, and some times the egg was lain in one place and some times it wasnt. One time she laid it on the roof of the church and it rolled off and busted on a toomb stone close to where my father stood a talkin to old Gaffer Peters. Old Gaffer he looked up to the weather cock on the steeple and shook his head and said: “Ive been agin that dam thing from the first.”

Mister Gipple he says a boy found some owl eggs and put them under a settin hen, cause they wasnt good for to suck. When they was hatched the old hen was mighty proud of them, like my mother is of Franky, thats the baby, but Mary, thats the house maid, she likes the butcher boy which brings the meat. One day the old rooster he said to the old hen: “Did you ever take notice what eyes them chicks of yourn has?”

The old hen she said: “Yes, they look so wise I am afraid they arent long for this world, poor darlings.”

The old rooster he shook his head and went away, but a other day he come back and said: “Them gum dasted chickens of yourn, which aint long for this world, are playin the old Nick while they stay. They jest now piled on to the yellow leg pullet and et her up in a minute, poor darlings.”

The hen she thought a while, and then she said: “Thats a mighty good disposition for them to have, for they will protect me from owls.”

Then a other hen she spoke up and said: “Judgin from the looks of some folkses chicks I guess they aint so fraid of owls as they make believe.”

But if I couldnt tell a better story than that I would teach school.

One day a feller a plantin potatoes see a hawk a sittin on a hens nest and there was lots of feathers around, like a pillow had broke open. The feller he looked at the hawk a while, and then he said: “Well, Ile be gam doodled! You will make a nice mother for a brood of young chickens, wont you?”

The hawk he said: “Well, what kind of a mother be you for a field of new potatoes?”

Mister Jonnice, which has the wood leg, he says it was mighty thoughtful in the Creator to provide chickens for the hawks, but Uncle Ned he says it wasn’t quite so thoughtful in him to provide hawks for the chickens. One night when Mister Jonnice stayed to our house he hung his wood leg on the knob of his bed room door, out side, for to have fun with Mary, thats the house maid, cause his wood leg looks just like it was a meat one, only whiter. In the morning Mary she came to my mother and said: “O, if you please, mam, I guess the gent which slept in the spare room cant get his door open, cause he is a comin out through the key hole.”

A other time when Mister Jonnice was to our house Missis Doppy was here too, which has got the red head, you never seen any thing so red. When she had gone home Mister Jonnice he said: “If I was that womans husband Ide use her head for the parlor fier.”

Then Missy, thats my sister, she spoke up and said: “I suppose you would use your leg for a back log.”

One day Missis Doppy was here and stayed a long time, and bime by she went in my mothers bed room and was a combin her hair. Uncle Ned past the door and looked in, and then he came down stairs and said: “I guess she is a firin up to be off, I seen her a rakin out the cinders.”

Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he says it is wicked to make fun of folkses miss fortunes, cause it is all for some wise purpose, and Uncle Ned he says yes, and Missis Doppys head is a mighty conspicus instance and a shiny xample.

Hens is some time stole, and one time some wicked fellers which was in jail they kept a breakin out at night and stealin hens. So the man which kept the jail he said he would put a stop to that, and he had a other coat of paint put on the jail for to make it stronger. But the painter had put salt in the paint and the cows licked it off and the fellers broke out a again and stole more hens. That made the jail man mad and he said: “This aint no place for thiefs, and you fellers has got to behave your selfs or Ile put you out of here and you will have to rustle round for your livin the best way you can.”

Roosters crow, but when there isnt any rooster the old hen she crows for to teach the little fellers how. But such crowin!—just like a sufferget hollerin hip, hip, hooray!

My father he said to Mister Gipple, my father did: “I guess you and Johnnys Uncle Edard is mighty hard worked a tryin to see which can tell him the biggest lie. Maybe you better give your selfs a good long rest.”

Mister Gipple he thought a while and then he said: “May I tell him jest one about my marriage in Africa, cause it is true?”

My father he said: “O, you be dratted, I have knew Missis Gip ever since she was a little feller, and I know you married her in Illinoy.”

Mister Gipple said: “I hope to die if it isnt so, jest as I said.”

Then my father he said: “All right, you may tell him, but I dont want to hear it, so Ile read this news paper.”

So Mister Gipple told me for to come closer, so as not to interupt a man which was readin, and father he took out his spetacles and wiped them real careful, and put them on his nose, and begun for to read the paper just like he had never saw a other paper, only but just that one. Then Mister Gipple he said: “Johnny, one time while I was a missionary preacher in Africa I was mighty lonely and said to the king of the natif niggers: 'All you fellers is married, but I havnt got any, cause she is in Illinoy. Spose you let me have a wife too.’

“The king he said: 'You aint nothing but a gum dasted white man, but you have been pretty decent about givin me rum and tobacco and showin me how to save my soul, so Ile give you all the wives that you can eat.’

“I thanked him and went to my shack and lay down for to dream of conjuggle happiness, but about mid night I was awoke by a awful yellin and hammerin on gongs, and when I looked out the whole horizon was lit up with bon fires and I could see all the natif niggers a dancin and a carryin on like they was crazy drunk.

“Next mornin I went to the king and asked him what was the trouble, and he said, the king did: 'No trouble at all, the high priest he married you last night and my loyal subjects was a cellebratin the nupitals. Every thing has been done proper, acordin to your station in life and you now have wives enough for to last a long time if you are economicle. There they are.’

“Johnny, that bad man pointed to a cage of monkeys! Yes, my boy, they had made a gam doodled poligamer of me by marryin me to a lot of long tail, rib nose, jabberin apes and baboons. And me a piller of the Methody church in good standin! Johnny, my domestical life was unhappy, for I dont like monkey any way which it can be cooked.”

Then my father he spoke up and said: “What did you do with them?”

Mister Gipple he said: “Hello! aint there any news in that paper? I thought you was a great reader, which makes a man mighty wise. But if you want to know, I got a divorce on the ground of failure to provide.”

But if me and Billy was married to monkeys we would cumber the earth with heaps of slain, for the Constution it says man and wife are one flesh, which is grass.

THE BUFLO

THE buf is found in all the big eastern cities. The she ones is called a cow cause she bellows loud and shrill, but the little one he is a sucker. The buflo is a natif of Omaha, but the peoples there they said: “O, whats the use, for the mooley cow is more milky and cant gore.”

The buf has got a mane like a lions mane, but when he springs onto his prey and wrenches it from the earth the sheeps they laughf and say they could have done that thir own selfs.

One time some soldiers they lay down in the prairie for to sleep. Their guide was a young feller which wore 3 revolvers and a big boy knife and had long yellow hair. In the middle of the night he was heard to holler like he was cats, cause some bufs had strayed in to camp for to eat grass, and thats what made the guide wish his self back in Boston. The captain of the soldiers he asked him what was up, and the guide said: “Some bodys gum dasted cow took me by the hair and swang me round till it pulled out, thats whats up!”

The captain he said: “Well, what you kickin about? Animals which pulls up grass always has to shake the dirt off the roots, don’t they?”

My sisters young man he says once there was a buf in the Zoo, and a Injin came for to see him. The buf he looked at the Injin, too, and bime by he said, the buf did: “How is the dusky chieftain of the Galoots, and how does it feel to wear the stopipe hat and frock coat of the Paleface?”

The Injin he thought a while, and then he said: “If me and you was to home you would have some thing else to think about than the spring styles of gents cloes.”

The buf he sighed and said: “The words of the great Swaller-His-Blanket brings back the light of other days most peculiar, the days when we roamed the plain together and you was always a little ahead.”

The Injin spoke up and said: “Yes, events did move pretty rapid them days, but it wasn’t real progress like 20 dollars a week, for to do a scalp dance in a show.”

The buf he wank his eye and said: “Ime fairly comfortable too, only but jest when I have a pain in the stomach of my belly from too much clover.”

But if I was a buflo I rather be a rain deer and gallop oer the snow beneath the aurory boryalis, hooray!

Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, do you know how Mister Jonnice, which has the wood leg, lost his meat one?”

I said: “Yessir, it was bit off by a cracky dile, and pulled out by a shark, and amptated for to cure the go out, and flang off when he ran after the fleein enemies at Gettysburg.”

Uncle Ned he said: “My boy, you have been listenin to him instead of consultin the best authoritys. Mister Jonnice was one time huntin bufloes in Wyoming, and he had slottered so many he was tired, so he lay down on a rock for to rest. Pretty soon a kioty came along, and the ki showed his teeths and said, ironicle: 'Lets hunt together.’

“Mister Jonnice said: 'Ide like to, but the fact is Ime about to go away, a leavin you so far behind that we cant.’

“Then Mister Jonnice he departed, mighty awkward but surprisin fast, and disapeared over the horizon. The ki he looked a while, and then he said: 'All right, if I cant get what I want Ile take what I can get, and a half of a loaf is better than nothing to eat.’

“So the ki it et Mister Jonnices leg every little tiny bit up.

“You see, Johnny, when the convsation began the leg was asleep, and Mister Jonnice hadnt time for to wake it up, but bein a brave man he had hopped away without it.”

But the zeebry is the swiftest thing which is in the world, and the hi potamus roars like he was a brigdier general, and then the rhi nosey rose winks his eye, much as to say: “Hark, I hear a angel sing.”

SHEEPS

THE he sheep is a ram and the she is a you and the little feller is lambs. Lambs is playful, and when the sun is shinin warm in the spring they turn out and have a stunnin good time, and thats why The Bible it says for to go it while you are young. When a sheep has been sheared it doesnt look very civilized, more like it was sick. Mister Gipple says one time a scientifical feller he surprised a young you which had been sheared the first time, and she blushed so rosy that he wrote to the presdent of his college: “I have discovered a new specie of red dog, which I have named Canis rubicutis, make me a professor of animals, with a salary of one thousand hundred dollars a year and board.” But my sister she can turn real red too when I tell her that bitin her young man isnt fair play.

A old you she had a labm, and one day she was sheared. When the labm it came to her for to get its dinner it stopped and looked at her a while, and then it backed away and made a bow, much as to say: “I beg your pardon, I didnt know you was that way. I will wait.”

Uncle Ned he said to my sister: “Missy, I have some mighty bad news for you, but you must brace up and try for to bear it. Me and Mister Gipple was out in the country yester day, and we caught your young man eatin a dead sheep.”

Missy she most fainted, and she said: “You wicked man, it isnt so, where was it?”

Then Uncle Ned he said, Uncle Ned did: “It was in the dining room of a way side inn.”

I never have see such a furious girl like Missy was, but Uncle Ned he says every woman is a fo to the truth and I better be ware how I tell it.

Dead sheeps is mutton, but canibles eat their selves and is happy. When Jack Brily was casted a way on a island he seen 2 canibles meet, and one said to the other how did he do, and the other he said: “O, Ime jest fine—fit for to set before a king.”

A other time Jack was ship wreck, and him and the captain was threw on a bare rock, where they came near starvin to death. So they drawed lots to see which one should be et by the other, and the captain he lost. Then he said, the captain did: “Well, my man, you didnt think me and you would ever be mess mates, did you?”

Jack he said: “No sir, I sure didnt expect sech a honor as to meet you at dinner, and the worst of it is that I havnt my ditty bag and cant slick my self up a bit.”

There was a old ram which licked all the other rams which are in the world, so one day a feller which the old ram had licked hisn he see him comin, and he took a big lookin glass, the feller did, and set it up on the river bank long side the road. The ram he see it and shook his head and said: “You gum dasted homely galoot, if you think you can hide behind that picture frame you are mistook.”

So he backed off and let drive like he was shot out of a cannon and busted through the lookin glass and went down in to the river. Bime by he was washed a shore and stood up on his feets with the cold water a runnin out of his wool, like he was a spunge. Then he shet up his eyes for to think, cause he was all mixed up in his mind, and bime by he said, real thoughtful: “Braveness is the soldiers hope. I wont never again hide behind a picture frame for to sass a other feller which is goin a long the road a mindin his own business.”

Missis Doppy she says her little Sammy is a labm, but I dont see no wool, nothing only but just dirt. One day Sammy tore his trousers, which was brown, and she put a blue patch on the place. Pretty soon after she and him was to our house, and my father he said: “Missis Doppy, that is a mighty fine boy of yourn.”

Missis Doppy was real pleased, and she said: “Yes, indeed, he is just a little angel right down from Heaven.”

My father he smoked his pipe in silents for a while, then he said: “That little angel of yourn seems to have brought a piece of the sky down with him.”

You never seen such a furious woman as Missis Doppy was in your life, and Billy didn’t in hisn, but the Bible it says we shouldnt ever let our hungry passions arise, cause them which takes up the sword shall be for ever exalted.

Labms is so famous that they have statutes in all the grave yards, just like soldiers in Washington, and now I will tell you a story which my sisters young man told me.

One time General Grant, which was the greatest man in the world, was a bein showed the statutes which adorn the city of Washinton, and he said, General Grant did: “I never seen such a lot of gam doodled scare crows!”

Then a good man which was a preacher he spoke up and said: “General, you oughtnt to swear, cause the wicked shall be casted in to Hell.”

The General he said: “Thank you, I shouldnt mind that so very much, but I sure dont want to be casted in to bronze.”

Statutes is made by sculptors, and thats why I say every creepin thing brings 4th after its own kind and multiplies excessive.

DUCKS

I SAID did Uncle Ned know what makes water run off a ducks back, and he said: “Yes, my boy, thats about the only thing that I am prepaired for to take a examnation on with out cribbin from the tex book. One time in the garden of Eden, Adam, which was takin home a bucket of coal oil, see the frog a sittin a sleep in the grass, and then he see the duck. The duck it snook up and pecked the frog real cruel on the spine of its back. If you catch a frog you will see the hump where its back was broke.

“Adam he said: 'You gum dasted beast of the field, why did you do that?’

“The duck tost its head contemptible and sed: 'Cause he makes me tired, he is so disgustin clean, always takin a bath.’

“Adam said: 'Dont you ever take a bath your own self?’

“The duck it said: 'No, I dont, cause cleanity is only but jest a habit, and water is pizen.’

“That made Adam so mad that he flang the whole bucket of oil on the duck, which smelt awful and has been aquaticle ever since. It swims and dives and splashes all the life long day for to wash the oil off, but the water wont take hold.”

I said why didnt the ducks wash their selfs with soap, but Uncle Ned he shook his head real mournful and said: “No, no, I have suggested that reform to them many a time and oft, but the march of mind is mighty slow in this world and, so far, they wont do any thing only but just eat the soap.”

Ducks quack and the eagle he screams, and the high eany it laughfs when there isnt any thing funny, the cammel he snorts out of his nose and Franky, thats the baby, he gets soap in his eye and is like the battles roar! Frankys eyes is blue, but my sisters young mans is gray, and when she looks into hisn he looks into hern. And thats why I say how wondful are the works of Provdence!

One day when him and her was to the picture gally she seen one which she liked real well and she said: “Isnt that a duck of a paintin?”

Then he said: “Yes, indeed, I seen the other side of it. It is a canvas back.”

But Uncle Ned says if he couldn’t make better jokes than that he would write for the comicle papers and defy detecktion!

Mister Jonnice, which has the wood leg, he says one time he went to New Jersey for to be an editor of a comicle paper, and the second day a feller came in the office, wearin a long black coat and lookin like his heart was broke. He said good mornin mighty solemn and Mister Jonnice he said: “Welcome to the Temple of Meriment, cheer up and have a chair, hows buisness?”

The feller he said: “That depends a good deal on you.”

Mister Jonnice he spoke up a other time and said: “All right, Ile go home and ring the neck of my little girl and pizen my wife and discumbowel my father.”

The sollemn feller said: “You fill me with horrible! I beg you for to pawse and consider what a wicked thing that would be to do.”

Then Mister Jonnice he thought a while and bime by he said, soft and low: “Yes, I guess maybe it might be looked at that way, and I wouldnt do sech things only but for to help you.”

The feller he looked like he didnt under stand, then he said, the feller did: “Excuse me if I seem hard for to please, but how would them actions help me?”

Mister Jonnice said: “Why, aint you a a under taker?”

The feller he looked mournfuller than ever and said: “Alas, no, I am Rollickin Ralf, your chief contributer. God willin, me and you will make the Temple resound with gle.”

The Bible it says thou shall not kill, cause them which is killed they shall be casted in to a lake of milk and honey, where the worm tieth a knot and the fire is not quenched.

THE NUMPORAUCUS

MISTER GIPPLE he said: “Johnny, di ever tell you about the numporaucus?”

I said he didnt, and then he said: “The nump is by many considered the king of beasts, for its roar is like the voice of doom, and when it is heard at midnights holy hour the heathen in his blindness says he must put up a lightnin rod first thing in the mornin. But when the day dawns bright and fair like a angels face he knows it was only just the nump a talkin in his sleep. Johnny, as you justly say, the cracky dile is a microbe and the skin of the rhi nosey rose isnt made to measure, but the nump is a one legger and skowers the plane like a thing of life.”

I said where was it found, and he said, Mister Gipple did: “There is a dispute about that among scientificle fellers, cause no body which has found a nump has come back for to tell the tale. Some believes it to inhabbit the equator, but others say it is a scallywag. The one which I seen was in New Jersey, where I was a missonary to the natif niggers. One day I catched a natif and was a lickin him for bowin down to wood and stone, when a big black shadow fel a thwort the scene of spiritual contversy. With a few well choosen words I brought the services to a close and looked up for to pronounce the bennediction and there, between me and the noondy sun towered a giant numporaucus! It was as big as a house of the same size and its eye was as the full moon when lovers whisper their vows of ever lastingness.

“Johnny, I was mighty scary for a man which was married and had met the lightnin eye to eye quite frequent, and I couldnt think of a word to say. The nump it stood on its lonely leg and looked at me a while, mighty reticent, and then it stept forward and took my neck between its teeths and I knew no more! When consience returned I was in my own country, a runnin for office, to which I had the bad luck to be defeated by a over weening majority.

“The years rolled on and one day I read in the paper that on the polmy plains of New Jersey a skulleton had been found with its neck bit in 2! A natif niger which would carry to his grave the marks of his conversion to the Bible was asked what he knew about it. He wank his eye mighty mournful, much as to say he could tell a good deal more if he wanted to, and I guess he could, for he was a dandy talker and had arose to high distincktion in the church.”

I asked Mister Gipple who the natif nigger was and he said: “Never mind that, Johnny, for it doesnt matter much. What worries me is who I am my own self.”

But if me and Billy met a nump we would fall up on him with fire and sword and strech him dead up on the plain! The Bible it says to resist evil and it will fle as a bird, and thats why I say be up and doin, for the sluggerd goes to the ant and is bit.

Mister Gipple says that one time Mister Jonnice, which has the wood leg, was a sittin by the road side in the Cannible Island and a big natif nigger came a long with nothing on but a stopipe hat. The stumach of the natif niggers belly it stuck out be fore him, real round, and he was a drummin on it with his 2 hands, mighty cumftable. When he see Mister Jonnice he stopt and looked at him a while, and then he said: “Poor feller, you seem to have lost your laig.”

Mister Jonnice he spoke up and said: “Yessir, and you seem for to have found it and et it.”

My sisters young man says if he had a wood leg he would take it to a massadger and tell him to put some ginger in to it.

Ginger bread, nice and sticky is the stuff of life, and makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

MOLES

UNCLE NED he said: “Johnny, you have pained me by your indifference to the mole. I can only lay it to your ignance, cause maybe you don’t know there is such a feller.”

Then I spoke up and said: “The mole is amphibious and lives in the ground. It hasent got any eyes, but its nose is like a awger, cause it can bore through the solid rock and come out on the other side and holler hooray! The fur of the mole is slick and shiny and makes good mufs. Girls wears mufs but boys is kings and can stand on their head. Girls is cry babys, and if I was a girl I rather be a fellers wife and roar like distant thunder.”

Then Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, I see that I was mistook. You are not ignant about moles, and you are mighty well informed about girls. My charge of indifference arose out of the fact that you never asked me why the mole doesnt come out of the ground for to bask in the light of day and survey mankind with comperhensive view. I should think a bright, scientificle boy like you would want to know that, same as to learn why the beaver has a flat tail, and how the cammle got his hunch and what makes the buttigoat have whiskers.”

I asked him why was it, and he said: “Thats what I knocked off work a plantin potatoes, to come in and tell you, for knowlidge is power.

“One time Adam he was a diggin post holes in the Garden of Eden, when the mole it come along and said good mornin, cause the mole it was created real sociable. Adam he was grouchy, cause Eve had sassed him, and he dident say any thing. Then the mole said: 'If I was give dominion over ol the beasts of the field, as you be, I wouldnt be diggin holes, Ide make the woodchuck do it for me, which is more skillfle.’

“That made Adam furious, like he was a wet cat, and he said: 'I dont want advice from any gun dasted squirel of the air.’ So he catched the mole and flang it in to the post hole which he had dugged, and said: 'Ile be gam doodled if I dont burry you alive for your impidence!’

“Then he begun for to fill up the hole, and the mole it spoke up real solemn and said: 'Ime laid here in the shure and certain hope of a blessed resuraction.’

“But Adam he said: 'That hope will be blasted. You shant ever arise from the dead till Gabrial blows his horn and eccho ansers from the hill.’

“And, Johnny, thats why the mole, which tils the soil real industrious, never comes up for to view the land scape oer.”

One day Billy he come home a holdin up a mole by the tail, which some boy had give him, and the mole it was a live.

When my mother she see him she said: “O you cruel, cruel boy! Throw it in the fire this minute!”

One Sunday Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he was to our house, and mother she read out of a paper about Doctor Tanner, which didn’t eat any thing for 40 days, and she said, mother did: “Stuff and non sense, he would have died.”

Father he said: “I dont know about that. Bears stay in hollow trees all winter and live by suckin their feets.”

Mister Pitchel he thought a while, and bime by he looked up at the ceilin a while, real sollemn, and then he said: “There was a greater than Docktor Tanner, and He fasted forty days and forty nights in the wildness. Does any of you know what it was which sustained Him?”

Then Billy he spoke up real quick and said: “Sucked his feets!”

THE GOFURIOUS

THE GOFURIOUS is the monarck of the mountains, and Uncle Ned he says its roar is like ocean on a western beach. The go rises with the lark, and when he shakes hisself the stars shoots madly from their spheres! But the rhi nosey rose looks up from his dinner and says: “Nothin doin.”

One day a rhi met a go and the go it said: “If I had such a potuberence on my nose like that Ide wear a vail.”

The rhi he thought a while and then he said, the rhi did: “Some folks has horns on their noses and some others is gum dasted iddiots, its all a matter of taste. I know I aint beautifle for to look at, but this sticker of mine is mighty handy for to search the innards of the sick, and I guess you aint a feelin very well this mornin, are you?”

Then the go it moved away and sed it thought maybe it better take a pill.

The gofurious is a natif of the equator, which it devastates from pole to pole! Its food is niggers, and it is the joy of its sweet young life to stain it plumadge with their gore! The she one is called a scow, but the little feller is a slob. The old he one has got three horns, one on its neck, and one on its back, and a little sharp one on its tail, and when it is poked it whacks this one in to the poke feller, which turns purple and swells up like he was a baloon and xplodes with a loud report.

Sheeps is carnivories, and the tagger it is a mollusk, but the go has got a white belly and only but just one leg, which is like a blasted pine and defies the storm! Its lonely foot is like the talent of a eagle, and when it skowers the desert so much dust is threw up that the natif niggers cant see which way to run, so the go catches them and they perish in their pride. When the go sees a hi potamus it gnashes its teeths once, twice, thrice, and raises a protestin voice. The hi he says he guesses he knows his own business and aint a goin to knock off bein a hi potamus for any snouty galoot which roams the plain. But the go envelps him in a cloud of dust and clasps him to its bosum, and when the weather clears up the hi is no more! Then the go it utters a long mournful wail, much as to say: “Alas, am I doomed never to know the pleashures of a peaceful life? Why am I cursed with a unsociable disposition?”

When my sisters young man had read about the go, and the hi, and evrything, he said: “Johnny, I wonder, O, I wonder how did them facts become known to you. Can it be possible that you inherit them from your gifted uncle?”

I said, “Yes, I did.” Then he said: “Well, well, well, who would have thought it? This is the worst case of trance mission which I have ever knew about. Yes, indeed, it beats the ever lastin Dutch!”

Some folkes bears false witness, but Uncle Ned he knows every thing which is in the world, and he is increddible.

THE RHI NOSEY ROSE

MY father he told me why didnt I write about the unicorn. I said I would, so I set down and wrote about its 1 horn, and how it had a mane like horses, and how it stood on its hind feets for to fight lions, and every thing I could think of, but when I come to its tail I said did it have a tassel. Then my father he said: “If you have got to the end of your subject why dont you stop?”

But my sisters young man says the unicorn is nothing only but just a rhi nosey rose. Pretty soon after that Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, I know you are just dyin for to know something about the rhi nosey rose.”

Then I spoke up and said: “The rhi nosey rose is the most powful beast which is known to man. He is found in the jingles of the Nile, but the feller which finds him is lost his own self, for ever and ever, amen. The rhi is a 4 legger and gamles oer the green with whirl wind speed to catch the natif nigger as he flies afar. But the travler meets him eye to eye and fels him to the plain and writes a book about it. The lion roars like distant thunder, the gorillys song is as the wind among the pines, the long lament of the hi potamus is mournful for to hear, and the harpsicord cracky dile sobs out his heart on the evenin blast, but the rhi nosey rose hasn’t a word to say. He is all buisness.”

Uncle Ned said: “My boy, you are eloquenter than preachin, and I have listened to your perioration with delight and profit cause I know that them gloing periods come straight from the heart of your sisters young man, which wrote them for you. Cherish him, Johnny, cherish him as the apple of your eye, for he is a realy genuine bombastic, but when it comes to rhi nosey roses he isnt in it with your uncle Edard, not by a heap! Frexample, can he tell you how the rhi came to have a horn on his nose? I trow not.”

I asked how it was, and he said: “When the distinguished naturaler which you have just quoted wrote about the lions roar, and the gorillys song, and the quiring of the flopdoodle, and so 4th, he was mighty close to a great discuvery, but he missed it pretty slick. One day in the Garden of Eden them fellers was a showin off their voices, and it made the rhi feel mighty lonely.” So he said to Adam: “If you please, sir, Ide like for to be frightful my self.”

Adam said: “Well, you aint particlarly reassurin to them which has good eye sight, as you are, but come to me to-morrow and we will see what can be done.”

That night, while the rhi was a sleep, Adam made a big horn grow on the rhi, and when the rhi came next day he said, Adam did: “Now you can be just as alarmin to the blind as them other chaps. All you got to do is to blow your horn.”

“Johnny, when you go to the zoo and see the rhi a liftin up his lip and twistin it round in such a awfle way dont you be afraid, cos he is only just a tryin for to blow his horn to beat the resoudin lion, put to shame the deafening hyena and parolyze with envy the hoo-hooing rhododandrum. He dont always succeed, but if you go frequent you will some day be rewarded with a blast which will make the heavens be mute.”

I asked Uncle Ned what makes the snale have a shell always on his back, and he said: “It dident use to be so. The snale was created all right, but it sought out many inventions and told them without turnin a hair. One day Adam he seen the snale creepin along the gravel walk, and he said, Adam did: 'You lazy worm of the dust, why don’t you get a move on you?’

“The snale it said: 'Ime the swiftest quodped which flies a long the plain, when I try. I devours distance like it was a string of maccarony, and there is only a imadginary line between the place where I am and the place where I want to be. I over take the kangaroon as he flies for his life, and the pigeon in the sky weeps to see me vanish below his horizon. When I go west it is always the same time of day with me, but when I turn east it is mid night before I have took a half dozen jumps.’

“Adam said: 'My, but you are spry when you are in a hurry. I spose you aint goin any where in particklar today.’

“The snale it said: 'Ime sick today, and have jest dragged my self out of the house for to get a breath of fresh air.’

“Adam he said: 'Where do you live, when you are to home?’ and the snale said: 'In that curly house away over there on the other side of the gravel walk.’

“Adam he thought a while, and bime by he said: 'It would be a great pity if the swiftest quodped which skowers the plain should take cold and die. You just go right in to your house again, and dont you leave it till I tell you.’

“Then Adam he walked a way and wank his eye, to his self and said: 'I have such a bad remember, may be Ile forget to tell him.’

“Johnny, that’s just what happened, so the fool snale, bein forbid to leave his house, has to take it along with him where ever he goes. And that will teach you never to brag about what you can do if you cant do it.”

But if Adam would scold me and Billy we would say: “You bad old man, what for did you eat that apple and make us all go to Sunday school?”

But a apple dumplin, plenty sugar on it, is as musicle as Apoloes loot.

In Madgigascar the natif niggers build their houses on the tops of posts for to keep the snakes out, and one day 2 natifs was a settin on the floor playin cards, and a rhi nosey rose he had gone under the house. Then he stuck his horn up through the floor between the niggerses legs. One of them said: “Whats that?”

But the other feller, which had just played a card, and was a studdyin his hand, and didnt see the horn, and he said: “You know what it is well enough, have you got any thing to beat it? Thats the question.”

The other feller said he didnt believe he had, and arose his self up and jumped out of the window. Then the rhi walked away with the house on his head, and you never have saw such a astonish feller as the one which was a studdyin his hand!

When the rhi meets the ephalent he roots him with his sticker in the stumach of the belly, like the rhi was a hog, and the eph he wollups the rhi with his proboscus, like beatin a carpet for to get the dust out. My picture book it says that when the rhi has got the eph on his sticker the ephs grease runs in to the rhis eyes and puts them out. I asked Mister Gipple, which has been in Africa, if that was so. Mister Gip he thought a while, and bime by he said: “Yes, that was true a long while ago, but one day the rhi nosey roses they held a public meetin to see if something couldnt be done about it. There was a hundred ways pointed out for to stop it, but all them which had the best plans and made the longest speeches was the blind fellers. Bime by a old rhi which hadnt said any thing he rose hisself up and said: 'Mister chairman, I have give this matter much atention, and while I aint sure that the trouble can be untirely stopped, I think mebby some thing might be done toward it by keepin away from the ephalents.’

“Then they all rised in wrath and gored him with their stickers, and put him out, cause they said this was a pratticle matter and they didnt want nobodys fine spun theories.

“After a while a rhi which had been away he come in and asked what was the objek of the meetin, and when he was told he spoke up and said: 'You gam doodled idiots, why dont you stickum in the back? Grease don’t run up hill.’

“Then they all hollered: 'Hooray! thats jest what we was a goin to say our selfs. We will make this feller our king!’

“So they put a gold crown on his head, and give him a jacknife with 4 blades, and a kite, and a peg top, and some fire crackers, and all the candy which he could eat.

“And now, Johnny, Ile tell you a other. One time a rhi it got mired in the mud of the Nile, which had overflew its banks, and the rhi was about to be drownded in the water. While he was thinkin of all the sins which he done, how he had gored the poor little hi potamuses, and trampled down the niggerses corn, and hadnt looked like the pictures on the circus posters, and every thing naughty, there was a cammel. Then the rhi he hollered: 'Bully for you! I thought no body would come along, but I see that the righteous is never forsook.’

“The cammel he looked a while, real solemn out of his eyes, as you so graphicle say, and then he said: 'What special advantage do you promise your self from my knowin that there is the remains of a rhi nosey rose under the mud of this river?’

“The rhi he seen the cammel wasnt a goin for to do anything for him, so he said: 'I don’t care what you know, nor what you dont know, but when a feller is departin this life he goes more willin and lamb like if he sees at his bed side one of them objeks which makes life so everlasty disgustin.’”

But if I was a rhi nosey rose I rather be a eagle, cause the eag is the umblem of the land of the free, and has the stars and strips embludgeoned on his breast!

SWANS

A MAN which had a swan his boy was home from colledge, and one day the boy he come in with a gun and said, the boy did: “A awfle big snake stuck its head up out of the grass in the pond in the lawn, and I knew it was a lookin for your swan, for to bite it, so I shot it, now give me some spendin money, cause I saved your swan.”

But it was the swans neck which he had shot, and his father said: “I sent you to Yale for to learn what swans is, and now I got to send you to Harverd for to learn what snakes is, and fore you know every thing its a goin to mighty xpensive to your poor old father.”

Little swans is signets and my sisters young man he says their tracks in the mud is their signetures, but that isent so, cause signetures is writtin “Johnny” real plain on a piece of paper and showin it to your mother.

Today while Uncle Ned was in the parlor my mother she come in and said: “Edard, since Johnny took to writin them animal stories, and you took to sendin them to that nasty news paper, we havent been any thing but just a famly of jokers, like we was clowns in circusses, and you have been the head of it all. I blieve every body in town is a laughfin at us. If you havnt got any self respeck for your own self you ought to have some for me and your niece.”

Uncle Ned he got up and put his hand in his waist coat and bowed and said, real sollemn: “The subjeck on which I have had the honor to be addressed is of national importance, and one in which I take the deepest intrest, and I thank the delegation for the able manner in which it has been presented. Appreciatin the dificultys of my position, you will not xpect me to say more at present, but I can ashure you that what it has been my privlege to hear shall be submited to my colleags and will recieve the most atentif considderation.”

My mother she was astonish, like Uncle Ned was out of his head, and she looked at him a while, and then she walked slow out of the room, a sayin: “Well, I never!” But the minute the door was shut Uncle Ned he said: “Quick, Johnny, jump to your work, once there was a dog, or a horse, or a hipporaucus, or a 3 leg rammidoodle, or any thing which you can think of, theres your paper and heres a pencil, spring, I tell you, look alive!”

But I was so xcited that I couldent think of any thing for to write, so I jest busted out a cryin, and Uncle Ned said: “One time there was a weepin willow.”

About a hour after wards my mother, which was a knittin, she looked up and said: “Edard, why is a ephalent like a man which is a goin on a jurney?”

Uncle Ned, which was a readin a book, he shut it up, and stood up on his feets, and then he laid it away, and walked over to where my mother was, and looked her in the face and pretty soon he fetched 3 chairs and set them before her, and she said: “What do you mean, Edard, I have never seen such actions.”

But Uncle Ned he went and got Billy, and set him in one of the chairs, and then he put me in a other, and give me a pencil and a piece of paper. Then he set his self down in the other chair, and Bildad, thats the new dog, it come and set down long side of Billy. After we was all put, and nobody had spoke, cause me and Billy thought it was some game which was to be played, Uncle Ned he looked at mother and said: “I give it up, now for the answer. Be sure you get it right, Johnny.”

But my mother she was a gettin redder and redder, like beets, and bime by she got up and flounced out of the room, furiouser than any thing which I have ever saw in all my life, or Billy ever seen in hisn. There was never such a dizzy pointed man as Uncle Ned was, but he says they are all just that way, in Indy and every where.

THE HIPPORIPPUS

MISTER GIPPLE, which has been in Africa, he said: “Johnny, if your ungennerous kinsman hadent saw fit for to impeech my credibility, which is the most precious juel in my crown, Ide tell you about the hipporippus.”

I said what was it like, and he said: “It is a little like a ephalent, cause it has got teeths mighty plain to see, and a little like a cammel, cause it has got a back, and a little like a giraft, cause it has got a neck, and a little like a jackus, cause its voice is heard in the stilly night, and a little like a man, cause it is pizen. It is a off spring of the thunder and the grave, and is distant related to the surf beat shore. When it winks a black shadow sweeps across the face of the world, and when it opens its eye again light breaks upon the land scope like dawn over the eastern hills. It walks a merridian of longitude and, lo, the east is parted from the west for to make room! It laughfs in fiendish glee and the milk sours in the cows of all nations. Yet this tempestilent creature can be as gentle as a suckin whirl pool and coo like laughture in a toomb.”

I asked where was the hip found. Mister Gipple thought a while, and bime by he said: “A contented mind is better than great riches, but if you cant smuther your curosity you may look for it just out side the scruburbs of most any Afcan village, for it is mighty sociable and loves the fellership and communion of yuman beings better than pie. But when you go for to find the hip you better empty your pockets of your marbles, and your peg top, and your kite string, and your jack knife, and your base ball, and your 12 inches of rusty chain, or you will know them no more for ever.”

I said would the hip take them away from me, and he said: “No, it wont, it will take you away from them.”

But if I met a hip I would roll my sleefs up, and spit on my hands, and thunder: “You cowerdly feller, if you come a step nearer I will go home and tell my father!”

And thats why I say courage is the stuff of life, and none but the brave deserts the fair!

Mister Gipple says one time Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, was a mitionary in Africa, like he was his self, and he converted all the peoples in a town, and they jest doted on him. But one night a natif nigger snook in to Mister Pitchels hut and said, the natif nigger did, “You better leave here mighty quick, for they are a goin to boil you.”

Mister Gipple, which was astonish, he said: “I guess there is a mistake, cause Ime so popular.”

The natif nigger he said: “Thats jest the reason, for they say you are a saint and it would bring a blessin to the town for to have a few of your rellics, jest your shin bones, and a half dozzen of the nuckles of the spine of your back, and maybe the skull of your head.”

I asked Mister Gipple if them rellics of Mister Pitchel, would have done any good, and he said: “Well, Johnny, not bein a church feller, Ime not shure about it, and Ime particklar scepticle about the head, seein it has never done him any good his own self, but them shin bones surely did work a mirracle when he was a pullin out of that town.”

Mister Gipple says there was a other mitionary preacher, and he had only but just one leg, like Mister Jonnice. One day the king of the cannibals asked him to dinner. So he slicked his self up and went. The king said: “Ime glad to see you, now take your close off.”

The 1 legger he said: “Yessir, I see Ime not in the fashion, but I thought you would be indulgent to a benighted forreign feller which is your guest at dinner.”

The king he spoke up and said: “You dont seem for to under stand. You are the dinner.”

The one legger he seen how it was, but he smiled real polite and said: “O, I beg pardon, how many of you are to eat me?”

The king said there was 2, countin the dog which was to be give the bones. Then the mitionary said what was the choice parts of a feller like him, and the king said: “You chaps is like frogs. Unless fammin stalks abroad in the land we dont care for anything you have only but just the hind legs.”

The mitionary said: “Ime mighty glad for to hear you say so, cause Ide like to keep my head a while. I need it in my business. Here is one of my hind legs, which will last you till midnights holy hour, and to morrow I will bring you the other.”

So he reached under the table and took off his cork laig and laid it fore the king, which was so rattled that fore he knew what to do the mitionary had hopped away.

Mister Jonnice says when he gets rich he is a goin to buy a leg of sandal wood with the sandal on it, but I say blessed is the poor, for they shall go through the eye of a needle, hooray!

JACKUSSES

A FELLER was a ridin one, and every little while it would stop and bray. The feller he said: “For goodness sake, dont be 2 nusances to once. If you are a goin to sing you must trot along same time, but if you prefer to stop you got to hold your tongue. Ime a long way from home, and my wife is lyin at the point of death, and night is comin on, and I havent had my supper, but tween you and me I dont care which plan you adopt.”

One day when my father was in Nevady he met a Cornish miner comin up the grade to Virgina City, carryin a jackus on his shoulders, and my father he said: “Poor little animal! What broke its leg?”

The miner he said: “Ta blessit moke have luggit I all ta way from Reno, and I be givin he a bit of a rest fore ridin in to town, thats what brakit uns lag.”

Old Gaffer Peters has got a son which was a sailer, like Jack Brily, and the boy stopped in Spain and got married. One time he wrote to old Gaffer and sent the letter to my father for to be give him, but my father opened it his self, cause he thought it was hisn. The letter had a photy grap in it of old Graffers little grand son. But my sisters young man he snook out the picter and put in a other one, which was a baby with the head of a jackus. My father he dident know, and he give the letter to old Gaffer, which looked at the picter, and then read the letter, and then thought a while real sollemn, and bime by he said: “When a young feller makes a fool of his self and marrys a wild Spainard his boys dont look like his home folks one bit.”

But father he said: “Why, Gaffer, I never see such a spekin likeness as that pictur is of you.”

Old Gaffer he put his spettacles on again and looked at it a other time, real long, and then he shook his head and said: “Ole age is onorable, but it makes a feller look like a dam rabbit!”

Jackusses looks like mules, and Franky, thats the baby, looks like he would bust, and Missy she looks at her young man, and says to her self: “How nice!”

But if she had saw him when he wank his eye at Mary, thats the house maid, she wouldnt think so, for winkin is pligamy and thats trigonomatry.

I ast Uncle Ned did he know what makes the Jackus bray, and he said: “Yes, I do. In the Garden of Eden Adam had a field of barly, and he told the animals that if they didnt keep out of it he would cast them all in to a lake of ever lastin fire. Now the jackuses tail was created up right, like it was the mast of a ship, so one day the jack he come to Adam and said: 'Ide like you to make my tail hang down like the other fellerses tails, cause they say Ime proud.’

“Adam knew that the jackus was really proud and he wondered, Adam did, why he wanted his tail down, but he done it and the jack thanked him and went away. Bime bi Adam he seen the jackuses trackx all thrugh the barly field, and it had et barly. Then he knew the jack had ask him to let down his tail so it wouldn’t show above the barly and be tray him. So Adam he said: 'You are a mighty smart feller for a thief. Ile keep my sacred word about that tail, but you will wish you hadent spoke.’

“So the tail hangs down, to this day, but evry little while the jackus yields to a inate ambition and primevle desire for to set it up like it was made, but when ever he tries to arise it it hurts him so awfle that he utters his soul in mournful song.

“Johnny, you just let the morral of this story sink deep into your heart and you will grow up a good man and some day be Presdent.”

If I was Presdent I would take my big sword and cleave the wicked Demcrats in twain, for the Bible it says them which is sinners shall have ever lastin life!

I said did Uncle Ned know what for Mexican dogs havent got any hair, and he said: “Yes, I learnt it from a old man script which I found in a Hindoo temple in Kansas. One day soon after the creation Adam he was a walkin in the Garden and he seen a dog with long curly hair which hung clear down to the ground. Adam he said: 'My! what a beautiful back of hair you have got.’

“Now, the dog was a fool and prouded his self on his hair, so he answered: 'You ought to seen it fore I had that fever. It hasent been the same since.’

“Adam he knew there hadnt been no fever, cause there wasnt any sin, for it is sin which makes a feller sick.”

I ast Uncle Ned was it sin which made Franky sick the time he had a pain in his lap and howled like he was cats. Uncle Ned said: “Yes, it was, cause the sins of the father shall be fisted on to the childern, and you are mighty lucky it was Franky in stead of you which sufferd for my wicked brothers Repubcan afiliations. It will be you next time if you dont stop encurrigin him to support a Presdent which eats with niggers. But I was tellin you about that dog.

“When Adam heard him lie he made a jump at him for to kick him over the garden wall, but the dog he lit out for Mexico so fast that the friction of the atmisphere set him afire and burnt his hair every little bit off. He lived for to found a large famly in the land of his adoption, but they are all bald just like he was.

“Now, my boy, you go and tell your angel sister about this, cause there never was a woman which dident say her hair used to be longer fore she had a fever. They are mighty funny, women be, and have got to be crushed out with a ironicle hand!”

Yesterday Mister Pitchel, thats the preacher, he was to our house, and he said to Uncle Ned: “Brother Edward, have you read in the paper a bout the cruelty of the warden at the Sing Sing penitentionary?”

Uncle Ned he said he did, and it was just like him, for he is a Repubcan.

Then my father spoke up and said: “Politics hasnt got any thing to do with it. Its cause the prisners is Demcrats.”

Mister Pitchel he said: “Surely, Robert, you don’t justfy mistreatin convicks be cause of their politicle faiths!”

My father said: “Yes, I do. When a fellers politicle faith makes him burgle, and garote, and bigam, and larcen, and shoot, and go to the theater with a other mans wife I say shut him up in a dark, unwholesome cell and give him fits three times a day with a black snake whip. If I was that warden and any news paper man come around pokin his nose in to none of his business Ide take him by the scruf of his pants and the seat of his neck and chuck him into the bay. I respeck the preachin trade much as any body, Mister Pitchel, but I bedam if I wouldent!”

Then Uncle Ned he said: “Robert, your eminent services in reformin the geography of this state entitle you to a respectable hearin, even when you dont swear, and I should like to have your views on penology more at length.”

My father he said: “What is penology?” and Uncle Ned said it was the sience of punishment. Then my father he said: “My views on penology is to lickum.”

Mister Pitchel he said: “Then you blieve in the eficacy of phisical torture?”

My father he said: “I blieve it hurts, and that is all I want to know about it. But come to think, I guess it does a heap of good too. When Billy and Johnny gets it, and they dont have to ask me twice for it, it isnt necessary for me to waste any time after ward a pointin out the wickedness of dizzy bedience and expoundin the beauty of a godly life. They seem to get on to all that their own selfs, and to remain in a proper state of mind for quite a little wile. What is good enough for my boys is good enoughf for stealers, and cheaters, and assassinaters, and fellers which buy ice cream for other fellers wifes, like I said be fore. My further views on penology is that when a gum dasted galoot is sent to prison I dont care a ding what is the nature of his xperence there, nor whether at the end of his term he comes 4th alive or not. If he didnt like the way the house is conducted he neednt have gone into it. The warden isnt a standin outside the front door invitin any body in for to share the ospices of the place. The sons of guns invites their selfs!”

When my father had got done he looked all round for some thing to kick, but Bildad, thats the new dog, he knew what was up and snook under the sofa, and Mose, which is the cat, he fled afar.

But the Bible it says dont let your angry passions rise up and call you blest. And thats why I say man is of few days and full of woman.

SOLJERS

SOLJERS isent animals, but they can lick the hi potamus and the tagger, and the rhi nosey rose, and evry thing which is in the world. When I grow up Ime a going for to be a soljer, and then Ile draw my long sticker and cut off all the fellers which I dont likes heads and say: “Hooray! that will teach you that Columby is the gem of the ocean.”

Then the Presdent will say: “What a brave soljer, make him a major General and give him all the candy which he can eat!”

One time there was some cannon soljers a shootin off cannons at a target, and one of them was out in front, bout a hundred feet to one side of the target, for to see if it was hit, but it wasent, cause the cannon balls they kept a comin real close to his self and makin him duck and dance lively, you never seen such a frighten soljer!

Just as he was a goin to run away, cause he couldnt stand it, bang went a cannon ball right through the bulls eye of the target. Then he took his pipe out of his pocket, and fild it, and while he was a feelin for a match he said to his self: “Ime all right now, cause they have got mad and are a shootin at me.”

One day while our front door was a standin open, my father, which had just come in, he met Mary, thats the house maid, in the hall, and he said: “Mary, I know what you like, there is some soljers comin down the street with a brass band, and—” but fore he could say a other word Mary just vannished like she was shot out of a gun and was a flyin down the street for to see the soljers, and my mother she stepped out of the parlor with Franky in her arms. My father he looked at her, and then he looked at Franky, and then he took off his spettacles and wiped them, real careful, and put them on again, and took a other look, and said: “Why, bless my soul, I would have swore it was Mary! You go in the kitchen and tell her to take off her apron, and put on her jacket and her hat, and slick her self up a bit, and go and see the soljers.”

I ast Mister Gipple wasnt he proud when he was a soljer, and he said, Mister Gipple did: “I wasnt proud only but one time. One day a ungenerus fo took a mean advantige of me and come at me with his sticker when my hands was full. I turnd my back on him, real scornful, for about a mile, then he fleed and I entered my camp in triump!”

I said what was Mister Gippleses hands full of, and he said: “Johnny, if you had ast me at the time, I couldnt have told you, but when my captain pinted it out to me I remembered. They was full of revolvers.”

But if me and Billy was there Billy would met that cowerd fo, eye to eye, and laughfed him to scorn! When he is a man he is a goin for to be a captin of milishes, and ride a majesticle black steed, and cut Demcrats heads off and fling them to the Presdents feets, a shoutin the battle cry of fredom! But give me a home on the ocean wave, with a nice Sunday school book and plenty pirates for my pray!

Jack Brily, which is the wicked sailor, swears and chews tobaco and every thing, he says once when he was a pirate there was a other ship which looked like it was about to flounder. Jacks captin he said: “That ship is dangerously over manned. Jack, you take all our men and board her and make all hern walk the plank.”

So Jack and all the other pirates xcept the captin they give 3 cheers and got in their boat, with their cutlashes drawed, and boarded the ship, insted of which about a thousand jolly, jolly mariners arosed up from the deck and pointed blunder busters at them, and the captain of the ship come forwerd and said: “In reply to this funny way of hailin a strange craft I have to say that this is the Nancy Ann, 7 days out from Boston, and over loaded with apple pies. We was just a goin for to jettison some of the cargo, but I guess you fellers will do just as well.”

So Jack and his mates was made to sit down and eat apple pies till they was most busted and dead sick. That made the ship so light that she walked the waters like a thing alive, and the pirate captin was left lamentin.

I ast Jack why that didnt make a honest man of him, and he said: “It did, Johnny, it did. I resolvd for to repent and lead a bitter life, and I havnt been a apple pirate from that memorable day. Mince and helpin in my dads butcher shop is good enoughf for me.”

Uncle Ned he says he guesses that is true, for Jack is mighty well qualified for to swear off and on.

Mister Gipple said did I know about the battle of Gettyburg. I said no, I didn’t, and he said: “Well, Johnny, Ile tell you, for it was the dandiest battle which ever was. I was there my self or it maybe would have been diferent.

“You see, Johnny, our soljers was on a hill, and Mister Lees was on a other, but ourn was the best hill and they wanted it. But Mister Mead, which was our captin, he was a brave man, and he sent for me to come over behind our hill, where he was readin a novel, and he said, Mister Mead did: 'General Gipple, if them misguided fellers which are in arms again our country and the Repubcan party come over our way and want to get on this side the fence you shut the gate in their gum dasted faces and tell them to clear out.’

“So I went back, and pretty soon I seen Mister Picket a comin, follerd by ten thousand hunderd rebbel soljers, and I shut the gate. When they had come real close up Mister Picket poked his ugly head over the fence and said: 'Hello, Yank, we want to get in for to bile some coffy. The feller which we are on his farm he wont let us light fires.’

“Then I spoke up in thunder tones and said, real sarcostic: 'You havnt got the price of admition.’

“Mister Picket he said: 'Dont you dare to taunt us with our povity! Its true we aint rich, cause you have stole all that we had, but we are mighty many, for the angels is on our side.’

“Then I spoke up real sneery, and said: 'If you have any regments of angels I guess they are sort of hangin back. I dont seem to see any of their wings a floppin in the breeze.’

“Just then Mister Hancock rode up behind me and said: 'Generl Gipple, stand firm, we got some angels of our own. Mister Mead ordered me to report to you with my whole dam celestial out fit.’

“I said: 'Thank you, Mister Hancock, they will be right handy for to carry to Heaven the souls of the Confedit slane just as fast as I can supply them.’

“And then, Johnny, I roled my sleefs up and that memorble slotter was began! I dont need to give you the bleedy details. Suffice it that when I was done that host lay withered and strew and Mister Picket was a hikin back to his base as fast as his 2 laigs could carry him, and our soljers was a singing the dogs ology real tuneful, like they was canarys.”

I asked Mister Gipple did he do it all his own self, and he said: “Nuthin but only just the killin, Johnny. Far be it from me for to deprife my comrads of the glory which justly blongs to the sons of hope and faith. If it hadent been for the morl sport which they give me by cheerin me on, and by their xclamations of wonder and delight, it would have took me longer.”

The Bible it says that thou shall not kill unless you are smote on one cheek or the other, but Uncle Ned he says a feller which would smite Mister Gipple on either cheek would skin his nuckles.

A other time Mr. Gipple said: “Johnny, there is a other great warior in this town, and it is Mister Pitchel, which is the preacher, as you truly describe him. He was the chaplin of the army wen it was in Cuby. One day there was a real hard fight, and when he run away he got lost in the forest primevle. Then he see a feller down on his knees behind a tree, a prayin loud and shril. So Mister Pitchel he joind him and prayed too, but pretty soon he noticed that the feller was a prayin in Spanish, so Mister Pitchel he said amen mighty quick and got up for to resume his go. Then the Spainard he said amen too, and picked up a gun and hollered: 'Come back, ye dom herry tick, or if I dont make buzzerds meat of yer dhirty caircase may I nivver see ould Tiperary again!’

“Mister Pitchel he went back and was took prisner. Then he said: 'I guess you was a prayin for the sucksess of the Spainish arms, wasent you?’

“The feller said: 'The divel a bit, they have been licked and I was prayin for the sucksess of their legs, as is the duty of me holy office. Ime their chaplin, bedad.’”

Mister Pitchel says he will pray for Mister Gippleses sinful soul, but Mister Gip he says: “Jest let me catch him at it, thats all!”

A captin of soljers he went to the camp of the enemies and said: “Some of you fellers has been a sassin some of us, what for did they do that?”

The captin of the enemies he said: “O go long about your business, we havent got any thing agin you.”

The other captin he said: “Then why do you come in to this neck o woods and sass us?”

The captin of the sassers said: “Why dont you move in to a other county fore we are drove by a relentless fate for to lick you like blazes?”

The captin which had come over he said: “A destiny which is deaf to our prayers compels us to remain and wollup the innerds out of you.”

And Mister Gip says that when the relentless fate stacked up aginst the destiny which was deaf to prayer the earth was piled with hetty combs of slain!

But if any body would sass Billy he would cleeve him to the chine!

My father was a readin a news paper, and all to once he give a long wissle and said he would be gum dasted! Uncle Ned he looked up and said what was it, and my father he said by cracky, that was the awfulest which he ever in his life!

My mother she jumpt up, and so did me and Billy, and Missy, and Bildad, the new dog, and Mose, which is the cat. My father he was so xcited that his spettacles fell off and he couldnt read no more till they was found, and all the wile he kept a sayin we was in for it, shure, and it was just what he had been xpectin, and he had always told us it would come. Bime bi my mother put his spettacles on his nose again, and he found the place and read, “The war broke out again. The Solid South in battle aray! The nations capitle in flames! Dredful massaker of the colored peoples in Virginy! Thousands of United States troops shot dead in their trackx!”

Then he seen it was nothing only but just a advertisement of a patent tooth brush and cloes pin combined, and he stopt and got red in the face, and wiped his spettacles with his thum, and put the paper in the fire, and said: “Edard, you better stay to home and look after the women and children, and mebby keep my memry green if I fall. Ime a goin for to march against the fo!”

Then he went out and stayed a week. And thats why I say be it ever so humble, theres no place like home.

Uncle Ned, which has been in Indy and every where, he says one time in Siam the king said to his captin of soljers: “I been supportin you and your lazy fellers for 20 years, and you havnt done nothing for your keep, only just eat and drink your heads off.”

The captin he said, the captin did: “Why, we have a inspecktion every little while, and 2 drills a month, and a dress parade evry day, with a brass band.”

The king said: “Yes, I know, but you dont do no fightin.”

The captin he said: “The drummer he knockt the bugler silly only jest yesterdy, the 1st sargent has a black eye most of the time when he isnt drunk, and I punches the corples head my self, quite frequent.”

But the king he said: “That aint enoughf, you got to go and thrash the fellers army which is a kingin on the other side of the boundry. If you suckceed in piercin his lines I will make you a earl.”

So they marched away with banners a flopin, and a long time after werd the king got a letter from the captin of soljers, and the letter said:

“Dear Madgesty,

After a good deal of skilful manoover I have pierced the enemys lines without a man killed, but the number of missin is considerable. In fact, my whole army is missin. I guess it is about where it was when I begun for to move on the enemys works single handed, but I dont know. You neednt make me a earl, for the king over here has made me a duke.

Yourn for Progresiveness, Hop Sing.”

FISH

MY sisters young man he said: “Johnny, di ever tell you about Jony and the wale?”

But I said: “You cant fool me, you want me to say yes, and then you will say taint so, cause the Bible dont say it was a wale, but a big fish, and a wale isnt a fish.”

Then he said: “No, Johnny, it was a wale, I give you my honor, cross my heart and hope to die, and what I wanted for to pint out is the Bible says Jony was threw up by the wale after bein swollered, but it stands to reason it wasn’t so. No, Johnny, he must have digested and become a part of the wale, for when he was shut up in the stumach of its belly the thought of home and friends would naturly make him blubber.”

Then my sister she said: “Any one which falsifys the Scripter and puts his word against a Bible truth to make such a silly joke as that will go where the worm dieth not, so there!”

But her young man he said: “Ile take along a early bird and have some fun with that feller.”

Jack Brily he was a tellin old Gaffer Peters one day how he was to a mining town, and how he fished down a shaft, with a line 20 hundred feet long. Gaffer he said: “What a whopper, I been to mines my own self, and I know the water in a mine is blazin hot.”

Jack said: “Thats what makes it easy for to catch the fish, you only got to use ice cream for bait. Them poor fish is crazy for ice cream.”

Then old Gaffer said: “Why, Jack Brily, do you think Ime a iddiot jest cause my hair aint curly like yourn? If there was fish in that water they would be boild.”

Jack said: “Thats just it, Gaffer, thats just the idee, cause I dont consider fried fish is fit to eat.”

But give me plenty potatos, and mints pies, and peserves, and some do nots, and molasses, and apple dumps, and Ile take them fried and boild too.

A other time Jack was a tellin old Gaffer how he was a travelin once when he had been ship wreck and didn’t have nothin for to eat, and bime bi he come to a big lake of oil. So he upped and baited his fish hook and threw in his line, and in a little while he had cetched a wagon load of shads.

Gaffer he said: “How could shads live in oil?”

Jack he thought a wile, and pretty soon he said: “Thats a fact, Gaffer you have raked me fore and aft. Them fish was sardeens.”

And old Gaffer hasnt never got done braggin about how he caught Jack in a lie and made him own up.

One time a nigger fell off a ship and the sailors threw him a rope, which he caught, and they was a haulin him up when a shark snapped him in 2. Just then a Southern planter, which was a pasenger, he come on deck and looked over the side of the ship and seen the shark do it. He was xcited and hollered: “It has took your hook boys, it has took your hook! Bring a other one and get a fresh nigger!”

Some folks thinks niggers is just as good as white men, cause God made us all in 6 days and was arrested on the 7th.

THE POL PATRIOT

UNCLE NED he said: “Johnny, do you know about the pol patriot?”

I said: “Yessir, it can be tought for to talk, just like gerls, and says, 'Polly wants a cracker,’ frequent.”

Uncle Ned he thought a wile, and bime bi he said: “This appears to be a case of mistaken eye dentistry, though there really is a resemble tween the pol parrot and the pol patriot, particlar in their cast of mind and their deplorable habit of saying what you have got tired of hearin. But the patriot he frequent makes the welkin ring, where as the other sport she only just shreeks like laughfter in a toomb. Both is 2 leggers, but the patriots is hind ones, and wen he wants to think he mounts them like a step ladder and does the trick with his toung, mighty awdible.”

I ast did the patriot have wings, and Uncle Ned said: “Wings is used for to go some where, but the patriot isnt migratary. He never gets very far away from his mouth, cause that is his place of business. No, my boy, the patriot never deserts his country, for he loves it and it is easy for to digest. He admires its instutions like they was pretty girls in white muslin gowns, servin pie. Its pocket is the haven of his hand, and the fat on his kidneys is public property dedicated to private use.”

But what he meant by all that rigmy roll is what floors me, and Billy is the same way. And thats why the Bible it says that wisdom is the root of all evil and flys from the rwath to come.

My sisters young man he said: “Johnny, if you was a sniposquatamus what would you rather be?”

I said it would be nice for to be a pirate, and he said: “Yes, I spose it would if it wasnt for the hangin, but I was thinkin mebby you would like to be a brother in law, which are usually acquited.”

Then Missy she spoke up and said he ought to be a shamed of his self, puttin wicked thoughts in to a inocent childs head, and tryin to break up a happy home, you never seen sech a dresin down as that feller got!

When it was all over he looked at her real sorroful and said: “Yes, I see I have went to far, dear, so if you dont mind I will just step in to the kitchen and take a carvin knife and cut my heart out. Johnny, you come with me for to hear my last words and wipe up the gore.”

But when I begun for to cry he said: “Never mind, Ime a awful firm chap, but not stuborn, and rather than pain your young soul Ile postpone the rash deed and content my self with slayin your Uncle Ned.”

Then Missy said he was a riddiclous old thing and wouldnt hurt a fly.

Flys are insecks, and a wops is a be, but butter flys is a catter piller at first, and then it is a crisanthemum.

And now I will tell you a story about Mister Gipple when he was a mitionary preacher in Madgigasker and had amast a considable frotchune in ephalents tushes. Mister Gip is always bragin about the kings he has met, and he says one day he met the king of Madgigasker, which said: “Ime told that you are a preachin aginst the gods of my fathers and have busted the heads off of some of them. Is that so?”

Mister Gipple he said: “Yes, brother, it has been a joy to me to spread the light quite wide, and Ime thankfle to say that a few of the ugly idles which you fellers bow down to have suckummd to the power of the everlasty truth as it is give me to see it.”

The king said: “Ime a little tired of them idles my self, dont you think it would help along the good mitionary work for you to convert Me?”

Mister Gip he was just happy half to death, and he said: “Yes, indeed, and if you have time we will begin right now. First you must stop cuttin your wives noses off for every little thing which they do.”

The king he said, the king did: “I stopt that this morning. They are all off.”

Mister Gipple he wiped away a tear and said: “You must bless them which hate you.”

Then the king he said: “The darn galoots darent come near enough to me for to hear the blessing.”

So Mister Gip he said: “Well, we will pass that for the present. When your dog dies you must not discumbowel your high priest on its grave.”

The king said: “All right, my priminister will do just as well.”

Mister Gipple he was mighty discuraged, but he said: “You mustnt have any of your nevews and nieces buried alive when you are took sick.”

The king said: “No fear of that, I have been in mighty poor health all summer.”

That shocked Mister Gip so much that he hardly knew what he was a sayin, and he showted: “Poor miserable worm of the dust!”

Then the king, which had been sittin on his hawnches, he rose his self up, mighty magesticle, and said: “I have made every resonable consession and tried to meet you half way, but when you call me names you are a goin too far. You jest put new heads on them idles, and give up all the wealth of ephalents teeths in which you waller, and take your gum dasted new fangle religion out of my kingdom, or I will skin your legs!”

But if any old nigger king would skin mine I would hurl him from the throne, for the Bible says that all men are created equal, and endowered with unavailable rights. And thats why the people are the sores of power.

Uncle Ned he said: “Johnny, one time in Indy I knew a natif nigger named Jejybehoy Bilk. He lived just out side the village of Ipecack-in-the-Jingle and had a mighty nice wife. She didnt wear much cloes, cause they was poor, but one day I see her a wearin a taggers skin, and I ast Jej what for she drest so warm in the summer. Jej he said: ‘Cause a tagger has arived in these parts and is makin quite free with the peoples. Me and Mary Ann thinks that if she wears a taggers skin when she has to go out to gether sticks mebby the tag will think her a other tag, and spare her life.’

“I told him I thought it a good idee, and pretty soon after, when I met him again, I said: 'Good mornin, how is Mary Ann, and is she still wearin a taggers skin?’

“Jej he looked sollemn and said: 'Yes, Edard Sahib, a taggers skin and a taggers ribs too, in fact, she is wearin a whole tagger.’

“Johnny, she had been et.”

COWS

THERE was a feller which had a cow, and the cow had some burs in the tossel of her tail, and the feller he tried for to pick them out. He put his fingers through the tossel, like they was a comb, and jest then the cow she got afraid and started for to walk away. The feller he couldnt hold her, and he couldnt get his fingers out, so he had to go too. He said “wo,” and “steddy, now,” and “no occasion for to hurry,” and evry thing which he culd think of, but the cow she just kept right on, a goin round and round the field, and him a follerin.

Pratty soon a big savvage bul dog it come, and after it had showed its teeths and looked on a while it fell in behind the feller and follered too. So they kept a goin, the old cow and the feller and the bull dog, the dog a smellin the mans legs and makin up its mind where to take hold. The feller he didn’t know whether he would rather have the dog bite him or bite the cow, but he kept a sayin “wo, bossy,” and “good doggy,” mighty polite.

Bime by a other man he see them and he brought a bucket of slop and set it down, and when they got round to it the cow she stopt for to have some, and when her tail was slack the fellers fingers come loose all right. Then he turned round to the dog, which was settin down a grinnin, an he shooked his fist at the dog, the feller did, and said: “You worthless brute, you must take them by the tail, like I have told you 100 thousand times! If its a goin to take a half a year for me to teach you how to drive a gentle cow like this Ile sell you, for what ever I can get.”

But it was the man that brought the slops dog.

Some cows is hooky, but the mooly she buts, and thats why I say beware the awfle avilantch!

Uncle Ned he says why dont I write about Mister Jonnice, which has the wood leg. I ast him why Mister Jonnice wasent made Presdent for loosin his leg so many times for his country, and he said: “He isnt eligible, for he wasnt borned of American parents. His father was Conshience and his mother was Truth, and when he was a little feller like you he lived with her at the bottom of a well. So he dident come to this country till one day he was axidental drew up in a old oaken bucket. Johnny that man inherits from his mother. He is so truthfle that when he says a thing is so, why, it wouldnt be any more so if he rwote it down in red ink and swore to fore a bald headed notary. He is so truthfle that he faces east when he wants to tell a lie north west. Do you remember that story of his about the bear? He was one day goin through the woods when a big black bear arose itself up before him and began for to hug him real cruel. Mister Jonnice he said: 'Why, darling, this is a unexpected hapiness. When did you get in?’

“Then he threw his 2 arms around the bear and squeezed it so tight that when he let go it lay down and turned so white with sick that Mister Jonnice toted it to a circus and sold it for a polar.