Volume 104 — ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, February 20.—New Chairman to-day; dropped in in most casual way. Wondered to see Mellor wandering about Library and corridors at three o'clock in afternoon in full evening dress. "Going out to tea?" I asked, in my genial way.

"Order! order!" said Mellor; "the Hon. Member will please give notice of that question." And he stalked off, trying to convey to the mind of his astonished interlocutor as near an approach to back view of Courtney as could be attained, without loan of late Chairman's famous summer pantaloons.

Everything explained later. Soon as questions over, Mr. G., rising and fixing glittering eye on Speaker, observed, "I beg to move that you, Sir, do now leave the Chair." Strangers in Gallery pricked up their ears; thought Speaker been doing something, and was now in for it. Right Hon. Gentleman offered no defence, but meekly left Chair. Mr. G. up again like a shot. "I beg to move that Mr. Mellor do take the Chair," he said. Then Mellor (fortuitously on spot in evening dress) stepped into Chair, where through six Sessions, Courtney has sat ruling the whirlwind out of order, and riding on the storm. All done in moment. Before you knew where you were, there was new Chairman of Committees proposing vote of £2,000 for rearrangement of rooms in Houses of Parliament. Alpheus Cleophas rose, with evident intent of wanting to know "about these rooms," when irrepressible Mr. G. on his feet again. "I beg to move," he said, addressing Chairman, "that you do report progress, and ask leave to sit again."

Rather hard this on Mellor. Just got into Chair; beginning to feel comfortable. Had proposed subject that might have agreeably occupied Committee for half an hour, when here comes the untameable, irresistible, peremptory Mr. G., and bundles him off. At first some signs of inclination to resist. New Chairman, having put question and declared it carried, should forthwith have stepped away from the table. Mellor dropped into Chair again.

A moment of embarrassment. Courtney, looking critically on form below Gangway, grimly smiled. Members under Gallery tittered. Clerk nudged new Chairman in ribs. Mellor sat on till, lifting his eyes, discovered Mr. G. meaningly regarding him. Knew he'd be up again if he didn't go; so with promising alacrity, hopped out of Chair, and disappeared from ken of House.

"Well, I don't know," said honest Bill Cremer. "Of course I don't hold with Courtney's goings-on in the political field, and he can scarcely have expected us to keep him on in a snug berth. But this I will say, the manners of the new Chairman may, so to speak, be more Mellor, but, as Chairman of Committees, Courtney'll be hard to beat."

Business done.—"Ban, ban, Caliban, got a new Premier, get a new man"—in Chairman of Committees.

Tuesday.—"The life of Her Majesty's Ministers," said the Grand Young Gardner, moodily contemplating his spats, "is not an entirely happy one. I think I may add that is peculiarly the case with the Minister for Agriculture. I must say, if the language, be not regarded as too flowery——"

"The Minister for Agriculture," I said, desiring to put Gardner at his ease, "would be fully justified in using cauliflowery language."

"Thank you. Then I'll say I go to bed with tuberculosis, and get up with Harry Chaplin. The casual observer is, doubtless, aware that Chaplin has an eye. He sees it gleaming through the eyeglass. I feel it ever upon me. It is no slight thing to have succeeded a statesman of the calibre of Chaplin. But when he persistently sits opposite you, critically observing all your movements with that air of supreme intelligence which more than hints that, as Minister for Agriculture, he was personally acquainted with every one of the cattle on a thousand hills, it is an ordeal that calls into play all the higher faculties of Man. As to the tuberculosis, it is always breaking out in unexpected places; people concerned insist upon regarding me as personally responsible for the visitation."

THE POLITICAL FANCY DRESS BALL AT COVENT GARDEN.

"But," I said, "you have your little holiday, Saturday to Monday, and get out to dinner on off-nights?"

"No," he sighed, "the Minister for Agriculture has no off-nights; and if I go to church at the seaside on a Sunday, the Church-warden in passing round the collection-plate, is sure to steal into my hand a telegram, announcing a fresh outbreak of tuberculosis. As to going out to dinner——"

Harry'd H-rry Ch-pl-n, as he appeared when meditating on Bimetallistic and Agricultural Distress.

"Ministers," Causton here observed, "never dine out when the House is sitting, unless commanded by the Queen, and Whips can't be spared even to dine with Her Majesty."

"As to going out to dinner," continued the Grand Young Gardner, ignoring the interruption of his genial colleague, "it is impossible. It was said, I believe by one of themselves, 'The Guard dies, but never surrenders.' I may add, the Minister for Agriculture lunches but never dines. What would become of the Government if a division-bell rang and he was found out of the way? Now to-night, you would say, looking at the business, I might well be spared. We commence with Kimber on disparities in the representation of constituencies. Rollit will follow in the interests of undersized flat-fish. What has the Minister for Agriculture to do with flat-fish of whatever size? you might ask. To the casual observer, nothing. But, looking ahead, as the responsibilities of my position make it necessary I should habitually do, I recall the fact that sometimes the placid pilchard is cast upon our shores in such quantities as to be carted away for manurial purposes. I am not intimately acquainted with the pilchard. It is not like the terrapin a land fish. I am not sure it is flat. Still I have a strong impression it is undersized. Therefore it might come within the purview of the discussion on Rollit's motion. Mundella, as you say, is in charge of the debate, and I might comfortably go to dinner. But what does Mundella know of manure? No; the Minister for Agriculture remains, and will dine,—if necessary die, at his post."

Business done.—8:10 P.M., House Counted Out, whilst Grand Young Gardner is explaining how it was he couldn't go out to dinner.

"THE WESTMINSTER PLAY."

Young Grandolphus (in costume, with appropriate action). "Hæc recinunt Juvenes dictata senesque!"

Friday, 12:30 A.M.—Storm subsided. Magnificent whilst it lasted. Grandolph in fine form. Mr. G., under his influence, renewed his youth like the eagle. At same time, though Welsh Church may be doomed, supply of cabs on night like this inadequate. Better be put in yard in good time. Kenyon lingers on scene, still asking for Bill to be "taken de die in diem." "As if he were giving a prescription," said Wilfrid Lawson, back from Mansion House, where he has seen his portrait presented to Lady Lawson. Kenyon, with eye on Bishop of St. Asaph, up in Peers' Gallery, made desperate resistance to attack on Church. Bishop looked a little grave when Kenyon dropped into metaphor.

A Feature of the Debate.

M-nd-lla. À cause de mon nom suis-je "alien"?

J. L-wth-r (heard but not seen). Non, Monsieur! Mais vous n'osez pas dire le contraire.

"Bill like bagged fox, don't you know," said Kenyon, nodding confidentially to Speaker. "Meant to run any way you like. What I mean to say is—" and here he turned for approval to Lord Bishop, consorting in Gallery with his fighting Dean, "this fox is so tainted with insincerity, or aniseed, that the hounds may just as well shut up their noses, and have nothing to do with it."

With this sage remark, and, something horribly like a wink at the Bishop, Kenyon sat down. Up again later, when Closure moved. Hicks-Beach, in temporary command of Opposition, deprecated resistance. But Kenyon's blood up. With strong effort of self-restraint he stopped himself midway in stentorian shout, "Yoicks!" dexterously turned the "Yo" into "No," and so saved himself from reproof of Speaker. Having got the "No!" he made most of it. Nothing left but to clear House for Division. Members near entreated Kenyon to desist from further opposition. No use fighting Closure; only meant another Division and twenty minutes' prolongation of sitting. Kenyon, with eye reverently fixed on Bishop, immovable. Others might falter on the way; might palter with the truth; might parlay with the enemy. Kenyon would have no compromise, no surrender. "Yoic——" he meant "No! no!" and he shouted it too.

"Will the Hon. Member name another teller?" said the wary Speaker, when House cleared for Division. Kenyon, evidently still seeing the fox steal away, Aniseed at the Helm and Insincerity at the Prow, almost stumbled on the name "Yoicks!" Again stopped himself just in time, and looked forlornly round; eye finally resting on Peers' Gallery. If only the Bishop could "tell" with him! That evidently out of order. Bishop belonged, to other House. No one volunteering to stand with him in the breach, and two tellers being a necessary preliminary to Division, Kenyon bent his head in silent grief, and leave given to bring in Bill which Asquith remorselessly admitted was first step towards Disestablishment of Welsh Church.

Business done.—Welsh Church Suspensory Bill read First Time, by majority of 56, in excited House of 546 Members.

Friday Night.—After the storm, the customary calm. Spent night in discussing tempting themes of Local Taxation in London, and Superannuation of School-teachers. On latter subject that preux Chevalier, Temple, laying down the lute, and leaving Amaryllis in the shade, delivered luminous speech; convinced Chancellor of the Exchequer; made him promise to fork out.

Business done.—Much of useful kind.

"Suppositious."—"Well," observed our old friend, who was discussing a recent case that had been headed "Romance in the Court of Chancery," "this all comes from bringing up a child that they pretended was their own. I mean what they call 'A Superstitious Child.'"

Quite Another Thing.—With reference to a recent burglary at Sir Thomas Pigot's, it is stated that "thieves were known to be in the neighbourhood, and the police have the matter in hand." Wouldn't it be better if they had the thieves there?

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