ACT III
Reading edition
The same. Discover Mrs. Bett, tidying the porch and singing. It is the following morning.
[Enter Lulu with bag.]
Mrs. Bett
Where you going now, for pity sakes?
Lulu
Mother. Now, mother darling, listen and try to understand.
Mrs. Bett
Well, I am listening, Lulie.
Lulu
Mother, I can’t stay here. I can’t stay here any longer. I’ve got to get clear away from Dwight and Ina.
Mrs. Bett
You want to live somewhere else, Lulie?
Lulu
I can’t live here and have people think Ninian left me. I can’t tell the truth and bring disgrace on Ninian. And I can’t stay here in Dwight’s kitchen a day longer. Oh, mother! I wish you could see⸺
142
Mrs. Bett
Why, Lulie, I do see that.
Lulu
You do, mother?
Mrs. Bett
I’ve often wondered why you didn’t go before.
Lulu
Oh, mother, you dear⸺
Mrs. Bett
You needn’t think because I’m old I don’t know a thing or two.
Lulu
You want me to go?
Mrs. Bett
It’s all I can do for you now, Lulie. Just to want you to go. I’m old and I’m weak and I can’t keep care of you like when you was little.
Lulu
Oh, mother, I’m so glad!
Mrs. Bett
I ain’t exactly glad⸺
Lulu
Dearest, I mean I was so afraid you wouldn’t understand⸺
143
Mrs. Bett
Why wouldn’t I understand, I’d like to know? You speak like I didn’t have a brain in my skull.
Lulu
No, dear, but⸺
Mrs. Bett
You mind me, Lulie, and go on. Go on…. Say, scat’s sake, you can’t go. You ain’t got any money.
Lulu
Yes, mother, I have. I’ve got twelve dollars.
Mrs. Bett
And I ain’t got much. Only enough to bury me nice.
Lulu
Don’t you worry, mother. I’ll be all right. I’ll get work.
Mrs. Bett
Mother wants to help you. Here, Lulie, you take my funeral fifty. Joke on Dwight to make him bury me.
Lulu
Oh, no, mother, I couldn’t.
Mrs. Bett
You mind me, Lulie. Do as mother tells you.
Lulu
Mother, dearest! Oh, I wish I could take you with me!
144
Mrs. Bett
You needn’t to worry about me. If I get lonesome I can give Dwight the dickens.
Lulu
Good-by—dear—good-by. I’ll go the back way, they won’t see me.
[Lulu kisses her and turns away. Left.]
Mrs. Bett
Lulie. Mother loves you. You know that, don’t you?
Lulu
Dearest, yes—yes, I do know.
[She goes. Mrs. Bett trembles, turns, sees her dustcloth, goes on working and begins to hum.]
[Enter Dwight.]
Dwight
Ready for breakfast, Mama Bett?
Mrs. Bett
No, I ain’t ready.
Dwight
Neither is the breakfast. Lulu must be having the tantrim.
Mrs. Bett
I s’pose you think that’s funny.
Dwight
Lulu ought to think of you—old folks ought to have regular meals⸺
145
Mrs. Bett
Old? Old? Me, old?
Dwight
Well, you’re hungry. That’s what makes you so cross, Mama Bett.
Mrs. Bett
All you think of is food, anyhow.
Dwight
Who has a better right? Who provides the food we eat?
Mrs. Bett
That’s all you’re good for.
Dwight
Well, I may not amount to much in this old world of ours but I flatter myself I’m a good provider.
Mrs. Bett
If I was going to brag I’d brag original.
Dwight
You mustn’t talk like that. You know you’re my best girl.
Mrs. Bett
Don’t you best-girl me.
Dwight
There, there, there….
146
Mrs. Bett
Now look at you. Walking all over me like I wasn’t here—like I wasn’t nowhere.
Dwight
Now, Mama Bett, you’re havin’ the tantrim.
Mrs. Bett
Am I? All right then I am. What you going to do about it? How you going to stop me?
Dwight
Now, now, now, now….
[Enter Ina.]
Ina
Dwight, I can’t think what’s happened to Lulu. Breakfast isn’t even started.
Dwight
Lulu must be having a rendezvous.
[Grandma snorts.]
Ina
That’s randevoo, Dwightie. Not rendezvous.
Dwight
You two are pretty particular, seems to me.
Mrs. Bett
Oh, no! We ain’t used to the best.
[Di is at the door.]
147
Di
Hello, family! What’s the matter with breakfast?
Mrs. Bett
There ain’t any.
Ina
Di, let’s you and I get breakfast just to show Aunt Lulu that we can.
Mrs. Bett
Say if you two are going to get breakfast, I’ll go over to Grandma Gates for a snack.
[Enter Monona.]
Monona
What do you s’pose? Aunt Lulu’s trunk is locked and strapped in her room.
Ina
Monona, stop imagining things.
Monona
Well, it is. And I saw her going down the walk with her satchel when I was washing me.
Dwight
Lulu must be completely out of her mind.
Mrs. Bett
First time I’ve known her to show good sense in years.
148
Ina
Why, mama!
Dwight
Mother Bett, do you know where Lulu is?
Mrs. Bett
Mother knows a-plenty.
Ina
Mama, what do you mean?
Mrs. Bett
I know all about Lulie being gone. She went this morning. I told her to go.
Ina
Why, mama! How can you talk so! When Dwight has been so good to you and Lulu….
Mrs. Bett
Good, yes, he’s give us a pillow and a baked potato⸺
Dwight
So! You and Lulu presume to upset the arrangement of my household without one word to me.
Mrs. Bett
Upset, upset—You cockroach!…
Ina
Monona! Stop listening. Now run away and play. Di, you go and begin breakfast.
149
Di
Yes, mummy.
Monona
Aw, let me stay.
Ina
[Exeunt Di and Monona.]
Go at once, children.
Mother, you ought not to use such language before young people.
Mrs. Bett
Don’t you think they’re fooled. What do you suppose Di was going to run away with Bobby Larkin for, only to get away from you.
Dwight
Mother Bett!
Mrs. Bett
What do you suppose Lulu married Ninian for—only to get shed of both of you.
Ina
Oh please, please, somebody think a little bit of me. Dwight, do go after Lulu—go to the depot—she couldn’t get away before the 8:37.
Dwight
My dear Ina, my dignity⸺
Ina
Oh, please do go!
150
Dwight
Oh, my heavens! what a house full of women⸺
Ina
Dwight, we can’t get along without Lulu.
Dwight
Upsetting things about my ears….
[Exit.]
Ina
Mama, I do think it’s too bad of you—oh! now I’ll try to get some breakfast.
[Exit.]
Mrs. Bett
Going to try to, he-e!
[Enter Monona.]
Monona
Oh, grandma isn’t it fun with so much going on!
Mrs. Bett
What’s that, you little ape?
Monona
Oh, I just love it! Everybody makes such funny faces.
Mrs. Bett
Some people are born with funny faces. Monona, ain’t you ever going to grow up?
151
Monona
Grandma, I am grown up.
Mrs. Bett
You don’t act like it.
Monona
Well, grown folks don’t neither.
Mrs. Bett
Sh-hh-hhh, stop talking back to me.
Monona
Everybody shushes me. If I don’t talk, how’ll they know I’m there?
Mrs. Bett
I guess they could bear up if they didn’t know you was there.
Monona
I’d better get in, or I’ll catch it.
[Monona sings a silly song.]
Mrs. Bett
[Rocking in rhythm with the song.]
Scot’s sake, what am I doing! Them wicked words.
[Enter Di.]
Di
Monona, mama wants you.
152
Monona
I’d better go or I’ll catch it. I’ll catch it anyway⸺
[Exit.]
[Enter Ninian.]
Di
Uncle Ninian! Well it’s just about time you showed up.
Ninian
You’re right, Di. But I came as soon as I could.
Di
You might as well know. I think you’re a perfect slunge.
Mrs. Bett
Land sakes!
Ninian
Mrs. Bett.
Mrs. Bett
Don’t you come near me! Don’t you speak to me! You whited centipede!
Ninian
That’s what I expected and that’s what I deserve.
Mrs. Bett
Move on! Move on!
Ninian
Let me tell you something first, Mother Bett.
153
Mrs. Bett
Don’t you “mother” me.
Ninian
Yes, that’s just what I mean, Mother Bett. I’ve found that the woman I married died in Rio years ago. Here’s a letter from the consul.
Mrs. Bett
Dead? Ain’t that nice! But what ailed you all the time? A man with any get-up-and-get would have known that all along.
Ninian
I’m not excusing myself any, Mother Bett.
Mrs. Bett
Well, perhaps you’re as good as you know how to be. Anyway, your mother’s responsible for a good deal without counting you.
Ninian
Mother Bett, where is Lulu?
Mrs. Bett
Who, Lulie? Oh, she’s run away.
Ninian
What do you say?
Mrs. Bett
She’s gone off on the train this morning. I told her to go.
154
Ninian
Mother Bett, Mother Bett—where has she gone?
Mrs. Bett
Gone to call her soul her own, I guess.
Ninian
But Mother Bett, where did Lulu go?
Mrs. Bett
She might be at the depot.
Ninian
Can I catch her?
Mrs. Bett
You can catch her if ye can run in them white—mittens.
Ninian
Run? Watch me.
[Exit running.]
Di
Oh! Grandma, isn’t it just too romantic?
Mrs. Bett
What do you mean—rheumatic?
[Enter Monona.]
Monona
Breakfast’s ready, grandma.
Mrs. Bett
Breakfast! I wouldn’t know coffee from flapjacks.
155
Monona
I’ve been catching it all morning and I didn’t do a thing.
Mrs. Bett
What’s that, little ape?
Monona
Grandma, honestly, do you see why because Aunt Lulu ran away the whole family should pick on me?
Mrs. Bett
Come here, you poor neglected child!
Monona
Mama’s getting breakfast and she’s burned all over and she’s so cross—m-m-m. Why here she comes now!
Mrs. Bett
Who?
Di
Aunt Lulu!
[Enter Lulu.]
Lulu
Mother⸺
Monona
Oh, goody—now they’ll pick on you instead of me.
156
Mrs. Bett
[Softly.]
Monona! You run down the road as tight as you can and catch your Uncle Ninian quick—Sh-sh-sh⸺
Monona
Uncle Ninian! Oh—oh!
[Exit.]
Lulu
Mother—what do you think I’ve heard?
Mrs. Bett
Land knows! my head’s whirlin’. Who found you?
Lulu
Found me?
Mrs. Bett
I can count up to ’leven in this house that’s went after you or went after them that went after them—Oh land!…
Lulu
Mother, the station agent said to me just now when I went to buy my ticket, he said, “You just missed your husband. He went hurrying up the street.” I couldn’t go till I knew.
Di
Why, Aunt Lulu, haven’t you heard⸺
157
Mrs. Bett
Sh-h-h-h— Leave it burst.
[Enter Dwight.]
Dwight
So … after making me traipse all over town for you and before breakfast…. What is the meaning of this, Lulu? Answer me.
Mrs. Bett
Sit down, Dwight. Take off your hat why don’t you?
[Enter Ina.]
Ina
Forevermore.
Lulu
Were you looking for me, Dwight?
Dwight
What about our breakfast, may I ask?
Lulu
Haven’t you had your breakfast, Dwight? I had mine in the bakery.
Mrs. Bett
In the bakery! On expense!
Ina
Lulu, where have you been?
Lulu
How good of you to miss me!
158
Ina
Lulu, you don’t act like yourself.
Lulu
That’s the way I heard the women talk in Savannah, Georgia. “So good of you to miss me.”
Dwight
Lulu, let’s have no more of this nonsense….
Lulu
Whose nonsense, Dwight? I’ve left your home for good and all. I’m going somewhere else to work.
Ina
Why, Lulu, what will people think of Dwight and me if we let you do that?
Dwight
So you thought better of the promise you made to us last evening not to tell our affairs broadcast.
Lulu
Your affairs? No, Dwight, you can tell them anything you like when I’m gone.
Ina
How am I ever going to keep house without you? Dwight, you’ve simply got to make her stay. When I think of what I went through while she was away … everything boils over, and what I don’t expect to b-b-boil b-b-burns. Sister, how can you be so cruel when Dwight and I⸺
159
Dwight
Patience, patience, pettie…. Lulu, I ask you to stay here where you belong.
Lulu
No, Dwight, I’m through.
Dwight
So, sister mine, have you found some other man willing to run away with you?
Lulu
That will do, Dwight. You’ve pretended so long you can’t be honest with yourself, any of the time. Your whole life is a lie.
Mrs. Bett
Save your breath, Lulie.
[Enter Monona with Ninian.]
Dwight
At least, Miss Lulu Bett, neither Ina nor I ever had to lie about our marriage.
Monona
Here he is, grandma.
Lulu
Oh….
Ninian
What’s that you’re saying, Dwight?
160
Ina
Forevermore!
Lulu
Ninian….
Ninian
Lulu…. So I didn’t miss you.
Dwight
Ha! ha!… The happy bridegroom comes at last. What’s the meaning of this, Ninian?
Ninian
I’ll bet he’s made life beautiful for you since you got back. Anything more to say, Dwight?
Dwight
Yes, Lulu was planning to run away…. I was telling her she’d better stay here at home where she’d have us to stand by her.
Ninian
Yes, I’ve heard how you stood by her. You’re a magnificent protector, you are!
Dwight
Look here, Nin, don’t you feel that you have to sacrifice yourself. Lulu is well enough off here.
Ina
She was quite happy until you came, Ninian.
161
Ninian
You hypocrites!
Mrs. Bett
Hypocrites! He-e!
Ina
Children, stop listening to older people.
Di
Oh, mama!…
Monona
[Crying.]
Oh…. Let me stay!
Ina
Children!…
[Exeunt Di and Monona.]
Ninian, how can you say such things to us!
Ninian
Lulu has suffered as much from you as she has from me.
Mrs. Bett
That’s right, Ninian. Plain talk won’t hurt nobody around here.
Ninian
Lulu, can you forgive me?
Lulu
But Cora Waters … what of her?
162
Dwight
Yes, what about your other wife?
Ninian
I haven’t any other wife—just Lulu.
Mrs. Bett
Cora Waters is dead. I knew it all along.
Lulu
Ninian, is it true?
Ninian
Yes, it’s true.
Mrs. Bett
He’s confided in his mother. He told me all about it.
Ninian
Will you come back to me, Lulu?
Mrs. Bett
Better take him, Lulie. You can have that fifty to furnish up the parlor.
Lulu
Oh, mother! I wish we could have you with us.
Ninian
Do you forgive me?
Lulu
I forgave you in Savannah, Georgia.
CURTAIN
163ACT III
[As originally produced December 27, 1920.]
165