Act 1 — Scene i
Reading edition
The Deacon dining room: Plain rose paper, oak sideboard, straight chairs, a soft old brown divan, table laid for supper. Large pictures of, say, “Paul and Virginia” and Abbott Thayer’s “Motherhood.” A door left leads to kitchen; a door right front leads to the passage and the “other” room. Back are two windows with lace curtains, revealing shrubbery or blossoming plants; and a shelf with a clock and a photograph of Ninian Deacon. Over the table is a gas burner in a glass globe. In the center of the table is a pink tulip in a pot. The stage is empty.
[Enter Monona. She tiptoes to the table, tastes a dish or two, hides a cooky in her frock; begins a terrible little chant on miscellaneous notes.]
[Enter Dwight Deacon.]
Dwight
What! You don’t mean you’re in time for supper, baby?
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Monona
I ain’t a baby.
Dwight
Ain’t. Ain’t. Ain’t.
Monona
Well, I ain’t.
Dwight
We shall have to take you in hand, mama and I. We shall-have-to-take-you in hand.
Monona
I ain’t such a bad girl.
Dwight
Ain’t. Ain’t. Ain’t.
[Enter Ina, Door R. E.]
Ina
Dwightie! Have I kept you waiting?
Dwight
It’s all right, my pet. Bear and forbear. Bear and forbear.
Ina
Everything’s on the table. I didn’t hear Lulu call us, though. She’s fearfully careless. And Dwight, she looks so bad—when there’s company I hate to have her around.
[They seat themselves.]
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Dwight
My dear Ina, your sister is very different from you.
Ina
Well, Lulu certainly is a trial. Come Monona.
Dwight
Live and let live, my dear. We have to overlook, you know. What have we on the festive board to-night?
Ina
We have creamed salmon. On toast.
Monona
I don’t want any.
Dwight
What’s this? No salmon?
Monona
No.
Ina
Oh now, pet! You liked it before.
Monona
I don’t want any.
Dwight
Just a little? A very little? What is this? Progeny will not eat?
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Ina
She can eat if she will eat. The trouble is, she will not take the time.
Dwight
She don’t put her mind on her meals.
Ina
Now, pettie, you must eat or you’ll get sick.
Monona
I don’t want any.
Ina
Well, pettie—then how would you like a nice egg?
Monona
No.
Ina
Some bread and milk?
Monona
No.
[Enter Lulu Bett. She carries a plate of muffins.]
Ina
Lulu, Monona won’t eat a thing. I should think you might think of something to fix for her.
Lulu
Can’t I make her a little milk toast?
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Monona
Yes!
Ina
Well now, sister. Don’t toast it too much. That last was too—and it’s no use, she will not eat it if it’s burned.
Lulu
I won’t burn it on purpose.
Ina
Well, see that you don’t … Lulu! Which milk are you going to take?
Lulu
The bottle that sets in front, won’t I?
Ina
But that’s yesterday’s milk. No, take the fresh bottle from over back. Monona must be nourished.
Lulu
But then the yesterday’s’ll sour and I can’t make a custard pie⸺
Dwight
Kindly settle these domestic matters without bringing them to my attention at meal time.
[Observes the tulip.]
Flowers! Who’s been having flowers sent in?
Ina
Ask Lulu.
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Dwight
Suitors?
Lulu
It was a quarter. There’ll be five flowers.
Dwight
You bought it?
Lulu
Yes. Five flowers. That’s a nickel apiece.
Dwight
Yet we give you a home on the supposition that you have no money to spend, even for the necessities.
Ina
Well, but Dwightie. Lulu isn’t strong enough to work. What’s the use⸺
Dwight
The justice business and the dental profession do not warrant the purchase of spring flowers in my home.
Ina
Well, but Dwightie⸺
Dwight
No more. Lulu meant no harm.
Ina
The back bottle, Lulu. And be as quick as you can. Remember, the back bottle. She has a terrible 7will, hangs on to her own ideas, and hangs on⸺
[Exit Lulu.]
Dwight
Forbearance my pet, forbearance. Baked potatoes. That’s good—that’s good. The baked potato contains more nourishment than potatoes prepared in any other way. Roasting retains it.
Ina
That’s what I always think.
Dwight
Where’s your mother? Isn’t she coming to supper?
Ina
No. Tantrim.
Dwight
Oh ho, mama has a tantrim, eh? My dear Ina, your mother is getting old. She don’t have as many clear-headed days as she did.
Ina
Mama’s mind is just as good as it ever was, sometimes.
Dwight
Hadn’t I better call her up?
Ina
You know how mama is.
[Enter Lulu. She takes flowerpot from table and throws it out the window. Exit Lulu.]
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Dwight
I’d better see.
[Goes to door and opens it.]
Mother Bett!… Come and have some supper…. Looks to me Lulu’s muffins’d go down pretty easy! Come on—I had something funny to tell you and Ina….
[Returns.]
No use. She’s got a tall one on to-night, evidently. What’s the matter with her?
Ina
Well, I told Lulu to put the creamed salmon on the new blue platter, and mama thought I ought to use the old deep dish.
Dwight
You reminded her that you are mistress here in your own home? But gently, I hope?
Ina
Well—I reminded her. She said if I kept on using the best dishes I wouldn’t have a cup left for my own wake.
Dwight
And my little puss insisted?
Ina
Why of course. I wanted to have the table look nice for you, didn’t I?
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Dwight
My precious pussy.
Ina
So then she walked off to her room.
[Monona sings her terrible little chant.]
Quiet, pettie, quiet!
Dwight
Softly, softly, softly, SOFTLY!… Well, here we are, aren’t we? I tell you people don’t know what living is if they don’t belong in a little family circle.
Ina
That’s what I always think.
Dwight
Just coming home here and sort of settling down—it’s worth more than a tonic at a dollar the bottle. Look at this room. See this table. Could anything be pleasanter?
Ina
Monona! Now, it’s all over both ruffles. And mama does try so hard….
Dwight
My dear. Can’t you put your mind on the occasion?
Ina
Well, but Monona is so messy.
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Dwight
Women cannot generalize.
[Clock strikes half hour.]
Curious how that clock loses. It must be fully quarter to. It is quarter to! I’m pretty good at guessing time.
Ina
I’ve often noticed that.
Dwight
That clock is a terrible trial. Last night it was only twenty-three after when the half hour struck.
Ina
Twenty-one I thought.
Dwight
Twenty-three. My dear Ina, didn’t I particularly notice. It was twenty-three.
Monona
[Like lightning.]
I want my milk toast, I want my milk toast, I want my milk toast.
Ina
Do hurry, sister. She’s going to get nervous.
[Monona chants her chant. Enter Lulu.]
Lulu
I’ve got the toast here.
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Ina
Did you burn it?
Lulu
Not black.
Dwight
There we are. Milk toast like a ku-ween. Where is our young lady daughter to-night?
Ina
She’s at Jenny Plows, at a teaparty.
Dwight
Oh ho, teaparty. Is it?
Lulu
We told you that this noon.
Dwight
[Frowning at Lulu.]
How much is salmon the can now, Ina?
Ina
How much is it, Lulu?
Lulu
The large ones are forty, that used to be twenty-five. And the small ones that were ten, they’re twenty-five. The butter’s about all gone. Shall I wait for the butter woman or get some creamery?
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Dwight
Not at meal time, if you please, Lulu. The conversation at my table must not deal with domestic matters.
Lulu
I suppose salmon made me think of butter.
Dwight
There is not the remotest connection. Salmon comes from a river. Butter comes from a cow. A cow bears no relation to a river. A cow may drink from a river, she may do that, but I doubt if that was in your mind when you spoke—you’re not that subtle.
Lulu
No, that wasn’t in my mind.
[Enter Mother Bett.]
Dwight
Well, Mama Bett, hungry now?
Mrs. Bett
No, I’m not hungry.
Ina
We put a potato in the oven for you, mama.
Mrs. Bett
No, I thank you.
Dwight
And a muffin, Mama Bett.
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Mrs. Bett
No, I thank you.
Lulu
Mama, can’t I fix you some fresh tea?
Mrs. Bett
That’s right, Lulie. You’re a good girl. And see that you put in enough tea so as a body can taste tea part of the way down.
Ina
Sit here with us, mama.
Mrs. Bett
No, I thank you. I’ll stand and keep my figger.
Dwight
You know you look like a queen when you stand up, straight back, high head, a regular wonder for your years, you are.
Mrs. Bett
Sometimes I think you try to flatter me.
[Sits.]
[Doorbell.]
Monona
I’ll go. I’ll go. Let me go.
Dwight
Now what can anybody be thinking of to call just at meal time. Can’t I even have a quiet supper with my family without the outside world clamoring?
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Lulu
Maybe that’s the butter woman.
Dwight
Lulu, no more about the butter, please.
Monona
Come on in. Here’s Bobby to see you, papa, let’s feed him.
Dwight
Oh ho! So I’m the favored one. Then draw up to the festive board, Robert. A baked potato?
Bobby
No, sir. I—I wanted something else.
Dwight
What’s this? Came to see the justice about getting married, did you? Or the dentist to have your tooth pulled—eh? Same thing—eh, Ina? Ha! ha! ha!
Bobby
I—I wondered whether—I thought if you would give me a job….
Dwight
So that’s it.
Bobby
I thought maybe I might cut the grass or cut—cut something.
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Dwight
My boy, every man should cut his own grass. Every man should come home at night, throw off his coat and, in his vigor, cut his own grass.
Bobby
Yes, sir.
Dwight
Exercise, exercise is next to bread—next to gluten. Hold on, though—hold on. After dental hours I want to begin presently to work my garden. I have two lots. Property is a burden. Suppose you cut the grass on the one lot through the spring.
Bobby
Good enough, sir. Can I start right in now? It isn’t dark yet.
Dwight
That’s right, that’s right. Energy—it’s the driving power of the nation.
[They rise, Dwight goes toward the door with Bobby.]
Start right in, by all means. You’ll find the mower in the shed, oiled and ready. Tools always ready—that’s my motto, my boy.
[Enter Di and Cornish. Cornish carries many favors.]
Ah ha!
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Di
Where is everybody? Oh, hullo, Bobby! You came to see me?
Bobby
Oh, hullo! No. I came to see your father.
Di
Did you? Well, there he is. Look at him.
Bobby
You don’t need to tell me where to look or what to do. Good-by. I’ll find the mower, Mr. Deacon.
[Exit.]
Dwight
Mama! What do you s’pose? Di thought she had a beau—How are you, Cornish?
Di
Oh, papa! Why, I just hate Bobby Larkin, and the whole school knows it. Mama, wasn’t Mr. Cornish nice to help carry my favors?
Ina
Ah, Mr. Cornish! You see what a popular little girl we have.
Cornish
Yes, I suppose so. That is—isn’t that remarkable, Mrs. Deacon?
[He tries to greet Lulu, who is clearing the table.]
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Di
Oh, papa, the sweetest party—and the dearest supper and the darlingest decorations and the georgeousest⸺ Monona, let go of me!
Dwight
Children, children, can’t we have peace in this house?
Monona
Ah, you’ll catch it for talking so smarty.
Di
Oh, will I?
Ina
Monona, don’t stand listening to older people. Run around and play.
[Monona runs a swift circle and returns to her attitude of listener.]
Cornish
Pardon me—this is Miss Bett, isn’t it?
Lulu
I—Lulu Bett, yes.
Cornish
I had the pleasure of meeting you the night I was here for supper.
Lulu
I didn’t think you’d remember.
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Cornish
Don’t you think I’d remember that meat pie?
Lulu
Oh, yes. The meat pie. You might remember the meat pie.
[Exit, carrying plates.]
Cornish
What in the dickens did I say that for?
Ina
Oh, Lulu likes it. She’s a wonderful cook. I don’t know what we should do without her.
Dwight
A most exemplary woman is Lulu.
Ina
That’s eggsemplary, Dwightie.
Dwight
My darling little dictionary.
Di
Mama, Mr. Cornish and I have promised to go back to help Jenny.
Ina
How nice! And Mr. Cornish, do let us see you oftener.
Dwight
Yes, yes, Cornish. Drop in. Any time, you know.
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Cornish
I’ll be glad to come. I do get pretty lonesome evenings.
[Enter Lulu, clearing table.]
I eat out around. I guess that’s why your cooking made such an impression on me, Miss Lulu.
Lulu
Yes. Yes. I s’pose it would take something like that….
Cornish
Oh, no, no! I didn’t mean—you mustn’t think I meant—What’d I say that for?
Lulu
Don’t mind. They always say that to me.
[Exit with dishes.]
Di
Come on, Mr. Cornish. Jenny’ll be waiting. Monona, let go of me!
Monona
I don’t want you!
Dwight
Early, darling, early! Get her back here early, Mr. Cornish.
Cornish
Oh, I’ll have her back here as soon as ever she’ll come—well, ah—I mean….
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Di
Good-by Dwight and Ina!
[Exit Di and Cornish.]
Dwight
Nice fellow, nice fellow. Don’t know whether he’ll make a go of his piano store, but he’s studying law evenings.
Ina
But we don’t know anything about him, Dwight. A stranger so.
Dwight
On the contrary I know a great deal about him. I know that he has a little inheritance coming to him.
Ina
An inheritance—really? I thought he was from a good family.
Dwight
My mercenary little pussy.
Ina
Well, if he comes here so very much you know what we may expect.
Dwight
What may we expect?
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Ina
He’ll fall in love with Di. And a young girl is awfully flattered when a good-looking older man pays her attention. Haven’t you noticed that?
Dwight
How women generalize! My dear Ina, I have other matters to notice.
Ina
Monona. Stop listening! Run about and play.
[Monona runs her circle and returns.]
Well, look at that clock. It’s almost your bedtime, anyway.
[Enter Lulu.]
Monona
No.
Ina
It certainly is.
Monona
That clock’s wrong. Papa said so.
Ina
Mama says bedtime. In ten minutes.
Monona
I won’t go all night.
Dwight
Daughter, daughter, daughter….
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Monona
I won’t go for a week.
[Dwight sees on clock shelf a letter.]
Ina
Oh, Dwight! It came this morning. I forgot.
Lulu
I forgot too. And I laid it up there.
Dwight
Isn’t it understood that my mail can’t wait like this?
Lulu
I know. I’m sorry. But you hardly ever get a letter.
Dwight
Of course pressing matters go to my office. Still my mail should have more careful⸺
[He reads.]
Now! What do you think I have to tell you?
Ina
Oh, Dwightie! Something nice?
Dwight
That depends. I’ll like it. So’ll Lulu. It’s company.
Monona
I hope they bring me something decent.
Ina
Oh, Dwight, who?
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Dwight
My brother, from Oregon.
Ina
Ninian coming here?
Dwight
Some day next week. He don’t know what a charmer Lulu is or he’d come quicker.
Ina
Dwight, it’s been years since you’ve seen him.
Dwight
Nineteen—twenty. Must be twenty.
Ina
And he’s never seen me.
Dwight
Nor Lulu.
Ina
And think where he’s been. South America—Mexico—Panama and all. We must put it in the paper.
Mrs. Bett
Who’s coming? Why don’t you say who’s coming? You all act so dumb.
Lulu
It’s Dwight’s brother, mother. His brother from Oregon.
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Mrs. Bett
Never heard of him.
Lulu
[Taking photograph from shelf.]
That one, mother. You’ve dusted his picture lots of times.
Mrs. Bett
That? Got to have him around long?
Dwight
I don’t know. Wait till he sees Lulu. I expect when he sees Lulu you can’t drive him away. He’s going to take one look at Lulu and settle down here for life. He’s going to think Lulu is⸺
Lulu
I—think the tea must be steeped now.
[Exit.]
Dwight
He’s going to think Lulu is a stunner—a stunner….
[The clock strikes. Monona shrieks.]
Is the progeny hurt?
Ina
Bedtime. Now, Monona, be mama’s nice little lady…. Monona, quiet, pettie, quiet….
[Lulu enters with tea and toast.]
Lulu, won’t you take her to bed? You know Dwight and I are going to Study Club.
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Lulu
There, mother. Yes. I’ll take her to bed. Come, Monona. And stop that noise instantly.
[Monona stops. As they cross Dwight spies the tulip on Lulu’s gown.]
Dwight
Lulu. One moment. You picked the flower on the plant?
Lulu
Yes. I—picked it.
Dwight
She buys a hothouse plant and then ruins it!
Lulu
I—I⸺
[She draws Monona swiftly left; exeunt; the door slams.]
Dwight
What a pity Lulu hasn’t your manners, pettie.
Mrs. Bett
What do you care? She’s got yours.
Dwight
Mother Bett! Fare thee well.
Mrs. Bett
How do you stand him? The lump!
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Ina
Mama dear, now drink your tea. Good-night, sweetie.
Mrs. Bett
You needn’t think I forgot about the platter, because I ain’t. Of all the extravagant doin’s, courtin’ the poorhouse⸺
[Exeunt Dwight and Ina. Mrs. Bett continues to look after them, her lips moving. At door appears Bobby.]
Bobby
Where’s Mr. Deacon?
Mrs. Bett
Gone, thank the Lord!
Bobby
I’ve got the grass cut.
Mrs. Bett
You act like it was a trick.
Bobby
Is—is everybody gone?
Mrs. Bett
Who’s this you’re talkin’ to?
Bobby
Yes, well, I meant—I guess I’ll go now.
[Enter Di.]
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Di
Well, Bobby Larkin. Are you cutting grass in the dining room?
Bobby
No, ma’am, I was not cutting grass in the dining room.
[Enter Lulu, collects her mother’s dishes, folds cloth and watches.]
Di
I used to think you were pretty nice, but I don’t like you any more.
Bobby
Yes you used to! Is that why you made fun of me all the time?
Di
I had to. They all were teasing me about you.
Bobby
They were? Teasing you about me?
Di
I had to make them stop so I teased you. I never wanted to.
Bobby
Well, I never thought it was anything like that.
Di
Of course you didn’t. I—wanted to tell you.
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Bobby
You wanted⸺
Di
Of course I did. You must go now—they’re hearing us.
Bobby
Say⸺
Di
Good-night. Go the back way, Bobby—you nice thing.
[Exit Bobby.]
Aunt Lulu, give me the cookies, please, and the apples. Mr. Cornish is on the front porch … mama and papa won’t be home till late, will they?
Lulu
I don’t think so.
Di
Well, I’ll see to the hall light. Don’t you bother. Good-night.
Lulu
Good-night, Di.
[Exit Di.]
Mrs. Bett
My land! How she wiggles and chitters.
Lulu
Mother, could you hear them? Di and Bobby Larkin?
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Mrs. Bett
Mother hears a-plenty.
Lulu
How easy she done it … got him right over … how did she do that?
Mrs. Bett
Di wiggles and chitters.
Lulu
It was just the other day I taught her to sew … I wonder if Ina knows.
Mrs. Bett
What’s the use of you findin’ fault with Inie? Where’d you been if she hadn’t married I’d like to know?… What say? … eh? … I’m goin’ to bed…. You always was jealous of Inie.
[Exit Mrs. Bett.]
[Lulu crosses to shelf, takes down photograph of Ninian Deacon, holds it, looks at it.]
CURTAIN
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