Miss Lulu Bett

Act 1 — Scene ii

Reading edition

Same set. Late afternoon. A week later. The table is cleared of dishes, and has an oilcloth cover. Bobby is discovered outside the window, on whose sill Di is sitting.

Bobby

So you despise me for cutting grass?

No, I don’t. But if you’re going to be a great man why don’t you get started at it?

Bobby

I am started at it—inside. But it don’t earn me a cent yet.

Bobby, Bobby! I know you’re great now, don’t you ever think I don’t, but I want everybody else to know.

Bobby

Di, when you said that it sounded just like a—a you know.

Like what?

Bobby

Like a wife. Gee, what a word that is!

Isn’t it? It’s ever so much more exciting word than husband.

[Enter Lulu, followed by Monona. Lulu carries bowl, pan of apples, paring knife. Monona carries basket of apples and a towel. As Lulu rattles dishes, Di turns, sees Lulu. Bobby disappears from window.]

There’s never any privacy in this house.

[Exit Di.]

Lulu

Hurry, Monona, I must make the pies before I get dinner. Now wipe every one.

Monona

What for?

Lulu

To make the pies.

Monona

What do you want to make pies for?

Lulu

To eat.

Monona

What do you want to eat for?

Lulu

To grow strong—and even sensible.

Monona

It’s no fun asking you a string of questions. You never get mad. Mama gets good and mad. So does papa.

Lulu

Then why do you ask them questions?

Monona

Oh, I like to get them going.

Lulu

Monona!

Monona

I told mama I didn’t pass, just so I could hear her.

Lulu

Why, Monona!

Monona

Then when I told her I did pass, she did it again. When she’s mad she makes awful funny faces.

Lulu

You love her, don’t you, Monona?

Monona

I love her best when there’s company. If there was always company, I’d always love her. Isn’t she sweet before Uncle Ninian though?

Lulu

I—I don’t know. Monona, you mustn’t talk so.

Monona

He’s been here a week and mama hasn’t been cross once. Want to know what he said about you?

Lulu

I—did he—did he say anything about me?

Monona

He told papa you were the best cook he’d ever ate. Said he’d et a good many.

Lulu

The cooking. It’s always the cooking.

Monona

He said some more, but I can’t remember.

Lulu

Monona, what else did he say?

Monona

I don’t know.

Lulu

Try….

Monona

Here he is now. Ask him to his face. Hullo, Uncle Ninian! Good-by.

[Exit Monona. Enter Ninian.]

Ninian

Hello, kitten! Ask him what? What do you want to ask him?

Lulu

I—I think I was wondering what kind of pies you like best.

Ninian

That’s easy. I like your kind of pies best. The best ever. Every day since I’ve been here I’ve seen you baking, Mrs. Bett.

Lulu

Yes, I—bake. What did you call me then?

Ninian

Mrs. Bett—isn’t it? Every one says just Lulu, but I took it for granted…. Well, now—is it Mrs.? or Miss Lulu Bett?

Lulu

It’s Miss…. From choice.

Ninian

You bet! Oh, you bet! Never doubted that.

Lulu

What kind of a Mr. are you?

Ninian

Never give myself away. Say, by George, I never thought of that before. There’s no telling whether a man’s married or not, by his name.

Lulu

It doesn’t matter.

Ninian

Why?

Lulu

Not so many people want to know.

Ninian

Say, you’re pretty good, aren’t you?

Lulu

If I am it never took me very far.

Ninian

Where you been mostly?

Lulu

Here. I’ve always been here. Fifteen years with Ina. Before that we lived in the country.

Ninian

Never been anywhere much?

Lulu

Never been anywhere at all.

Ninian

H … m. Well, I want to tell you something about yourself.

Lulu

About me?

Ninian

Something that I’ll bet you don’t even know. It’s this: I think you have it pretty hard around here.

Lulu

Oh, no!

Ninian

See here. Do you have to work like this all the time? I guess you won’t mind my asking.

Lulu

But I ought to work. I have a home with them. Mother too.

Ninian

But glory! You ought to have some kind of a life of your own.

Lulu

How could I do that?

Ninian

A man don’t even know what he’s like till he’s roamed around on his own…. Roamed around on his own. Course a woman don’t understand that.

Lulu

Why don’t she? Why don’t she?

Ninian

Do you?

[Lulu nods.]

I’ve had twenty-five years of galloping about—Brazil, Mexico, Panama.

Lulu

My!

Ninian

It’s the life.

Lulu

Must be. I⸺

Ninian

Yes, you. Why, you’ve never had a thing! I guess you don’t know how it seems to me, coming along—a stranger so. I don’t like it.

Lulu

They’re very good to me.

Ninian

Do you know why you think that? Because you’ve never had anybody really good to you. That’s why.

Lulu

But they treat me good.

Ninian

They make a slavey of you. Regular slavey. Damned shame I call it.

Lulu

But we have our whole living⸺

Ninian

And you earn it. I been watching you ever since I’ve been here. Don’t you ever go anywhere?

Lulu

Oh, no, I don’t go anywhere. I⸺

Ninian

Lord! Don’t you want to? Of course you do.

Lulu

Of course I’d like to get clear away—or I used to want to.

Ninian

Say—you’ve been a blamed fine-looking woman.

Lulu

You must have been a good-looking man once yourself.

Ninian

You’re pretty good. I don’t see how you do it—darned if I do.

Lulu

How I do what?

Ninian

Why come back, quick like that, with what you say. You don’t look it.

Lulu

It must be my grand education.

Ninian

Education: I ain’t never had it and I ain’t never missed it.

Lulu

Most folks are happy without an education.

Ninian

You’re not very happy, though.

Lulu

Oh, no.

Ninian

Well you ought to get up and get out of here—find—find some work you like to do.

Lulu

But, you see, I can’t do any other work—that’s the trouble—women like me can’t do any other work.

Ninian

But you make this whole house go round.

Lulu

If I do, nobody knows it.

Ninian

I know it. I hadn’t been in the house twenty-four hours till I knew it.

Lulu

You did? You thought that…. Yes, well if I do I hate making it go round.

Ninian

See here—couldn’t you tell me a little bit about—what you’d like to do? If you had your own way?

Lulu

I don’t know—now.

Ninian

What did you ever think you’d like to do?

Lulu

Take care of folks that needed me. I—I mean sick folks or old folks or—like that. Take care of them. Have them—have them want me.

Ninian

By George! You’re a wonder.

Lulu

Am I? Ask Dwight.

Ninian

Dwight. I could knock the top of his head off the way he speaks to you. I’d like to see you get out of this, I certainly would.

Lulu

I can’t get out. I’ll never get out—now.

Ninian

Don’t keep saying “now” like that. You—you put me out of business, darned if you don’t.

Lulu

Oh, I don’t mean to feel sorry for myself—you stop making me feel sorry for myself!

Ninian

I know one thing—I’m going to give Dwight Deacon a chunk of my mind.

Lulu

Oh, no! no! no! I wouldn’t want you to do that. Thank you.

Ninian

Well, somebody ought to do something. See here—while I’m staying around you know you’ve got a friend in me, don’t you?

Lulu

Do I?

Ninian

You bet you do.

Lulu

Not just my cooking?

Ninian

Oh, come now—why, I liked you the first moment I saw you.

Lulu

Honest?

Ninian

Go on—go on. Did you like me?

Lulu

Now you’re just being polite.

Ninian

Say, I wish there was some way⸺

Lulu

Don’t you bother about me.

Ninian

I wish there was some way⸺

[Monona’s voice chants.]

[Enter Monona.]

Monona

You’ve had him long enough, Aunt Lulu⸺Can’t you pay me some ’tention?

Ninian

Come here. Give us a kiss. My stars, what a great big tall girl! Have to put a board on her head to stop this growing.

Monona

[Seeing diamond.]

What’s that?

Ninian

That diamond came from Santa Claus. He has a jewelry shop in heaven. I have twenty others like this one. I keep the others to wear on the Sundays when the sun comes up in the west.

Monona

Does the sun ever come up in the west?

Ninian

Sure—on my honor. Some day I’m going to melt a diamond and eat it. Then you sparkle all over in the dark, ever after. I’m going to plant one too, some day. Then you can grow a diamond vine. Yes, on my honor.

Lulu

Don’t do that—don’t do that.

Ninian

What?

Lulu

To her. That’s lying.

Ninian

Oh, no. That’s not lying. That’s just drama. Drama. Do you like going to a good show?

Lulu

I’ve never been to any—only those that come here.

Ninian

Think of that now. Don’t you ever go to the city?

Lulu

I haven’t been in six years and over.

Ninian

Well, sir, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do with you. While I’m here I’m going to take you and Ina and Dwight up to the city, to see a show.

Lulu

Oh, you don’t want me to go.

Ninian

Yes, sir, I’ll give you one good time. Dinner and a show.

Lulu

Ina and Dwight do that sometimes. I can’t imagine me.

Ninian

Well, you’re coming with me. I’ll look up something good. And you tell me just what you like to eat and we’ll order it⸺

Lulu

It’s been years since I’ve eaten anything that I haven’t cooked myself.

Ninian

It has. Say, by George! why shouldn’t we go to the city to-night.

Lulu

To-night?

Ninian

Yes. If Dwight and Ina will. It’s early yet. What do you say?

Lulu

You sure you want me to go? Why—I don’t know whether I’ve got anything I could wear.

Ninian

Sure you have.

Lulu

I—yes, I have. I could wear the waist I always thought they’d use—if I died.

Ninian

Sure you could wear that. Just the thing. And throw some things in a bag—it’ll be too late to come back to-night. Now don’t you back out….

Lulu

Oh, the pies⸺

Ninian

Forget the pies—well, no, I wouldn’t say that. But hustle them up.

Lulu

Oh, maybe Ina won’t go….

Ninian

Leave Ina to me.

[Exit Ninian.]

Lulu

Mother, mother! Monona, put the rest of those apples back in the basket and carry them out.

Monona

Yes, Aunt Lulu.

Lulu

I can’t get ready. They’ll leave me behind. Mother! Hurry, Monona. We mustn’t leave such a looking house. Mother! Monona, don’t you drop those apples.

[Monona drops them all.]

My heavens, my pies aren’t in the oven yet.

[Enter Mrs. Bett.]

Mrs. Bett

Who wants their mother?

Lulu

Mother, please pick up these things for me—quick.

Mrs. Bett

[Leisurely]

What is the rush, Lulie?

Lulu

Mother, Mr. Deacon—Ninian, you know—wants Ina and Dwight and me to go to the theater to-night in the city.

Mrs. Bett

Does, does he? Well, you mind me, Lulie, and go on. It’ll do you good.

Lulu

Yes, mother. I will.

[Exit with pies.]

Mrs. Bett

No need breaking everybody’s neck off, though, as I know of. Monona, get out from under my feet.

Monona

Grandma, compared between what I am, you are nothing.

Mrs. Bett

What do you mean—little ape?

Monona

It’s no fun to get you going. You’re too easy, grandma dear!

[Exit. Enter Ninian.]

Ninian

All right—Dwight and Ina are game. Oh, Mrs. Bett! Won’t you come to the theater with us to-night?

Mrs. Bett

No. I’m fooled enough without fooling myself on purpose. But Lulie can go.

Ninian

You don’t let her go too much, do you, Mrs. Bett?

Mrs. Bett

Well, I ain’t never let her go to the altar if that’s what you mean.

Ninian

Don’t you think she’d be better off?

Mrs. Bett

Wouldn’t make much difference. Why look at me. A husband, six children, four of ’em under the sod with him. And sometimes I feel as though nothin’ more had happened to me than has happened to Lulie. It’s all gone. For me just the same as for her. Only she ain’t had the pain.

[Yawns.]

What was I talkin’ about just then?

Ninian

Why—why—er, we were talking about going to the theater.

Mrs. Bett

Going to the theater, are you?

[Enter Lulu.]

Ninian

It’s all right, Miss Lulu. They’ll go—both of them. Dwight is telephoning for the seats.

Lulu

I was wondering why you should be so kind to me.

Ninian

Kind? Why, this is for my own pleasure, Miss Lulu. That’s what I think of mostly.

Lulu

But just see. It’s so wonderful. Half an hour ago I never thought I’d be going to the city now—with you all….

Ninian

I’m an impulsive cuss you’ll find, Miss Lulu.

Lulu

But this is so wonderful….

[Enter Ina.]

Ina, isn’t it beautiful that we’re going?

Ina

Oh, are you going?

Ninian

Of course she’s going. Great snakes, why not?

Ina

Only that Lulu never goes anywhere.

Ninian

Whose fault is that?

Lulu

Just habit. Pure habit.

Ninian

Pure cussedness somewhere. Miss Lulu, now you go and get ready and Ina and I’ll finish straightening up here.

Lulu

Oh, I’ll finish.

Ninian

Go and get ready. I want to see that waist.

Lulu

Oh, but I don’t need to go yet⸺

Ninian

Ina, you tell her to go⸺

Ina

Well, but Lulu, you aren’t going to bother to change your dress, are you? You can slip something on over.

Lulu

If you think this would do⸺

Ninian

It will not do. Not for my party!

[Shuts the door upon her.]

Ina

How in the world did you ever get Lulu to go, Ninian? We never did.

Ninian

It was very simple. I invited her.

Ina

Oh, you mean⸺

Ninian

I invited her.

[Doorbell rings.]

Shall I answer it?

Ina

Will you, please?

[Exit Ninian.]

Mother, have you seen Di anywhere?

Mrs. Bett

I ain’t done nothing but see her.

[Motions to window.]

Ina

[At window.]

Forevermore. That Larkin boy again. Di! Diana Deacon! Come here at once.

Di’s Voice

Yes, mama.

[At window.]

Want me?

Ina

I want you to stop making a spectacle of me before the neighborhood.

Of you!

Ina

Certainly. What will people think of me if they see you talking with Robert Larkin the whole afternoon?

We weren’t thinking about you, mummy.

Ina

No. You never do think about me. Nobody thinks about me. And mama does try so hard⸺

Oh, mama, I’ve heard you say that fifty hundred times.

Ina

And what impression does it make? None…. Nobody listens to me. Nobody.

[Enter Ninian and Cornish.]

Ninian

All right to bring him in here?

Ina

Oh, Mr. Cornish! how very nice to see you.

Cornish

Good afternoon, Mrs. Deacon. How are you, Miss Di?

Ninian

I’ve just been asking Mr. Cornish if he won’t join us to-night for dinner and the show.

Ina

Oh, Mr. Cornish, do—we’d be so glad.

Cornish

Why, why, if that wouldn’t be⸺

Ninian

You’re invited, Di, you know.

Me? Oh, how heavenly! Oh, but I’ve an engagement with Bobby⸺

Ina

But I’m sure you’d break that to go with Uncle Ninian and Mr. Cornish.

Well, I’d break it to go to the theater⸺

Ina

Why, Di Deacon!

Oh, of course to go with Uncle Ninian and Mr. Cornish.

Cornish

This is awfully good of you. I dropped in because I got so lonesome I didn’t know what else to do—that is, I mean….

Ninian

We get it. We get it.

Ina

We’d love to see you any time, Mr. Cornish. Now if you’ll excuse Di and me one minute.

Uncle Ninian, you’re a lamb.

[Exeunt Di and Ina.]

Mrs. Bett

I’m just about the same as I was.

Cornish

What—er—oh, Mrs. Bett, I didn’t see you.

Mrs. Bett

I don’t complain. But it wouldn’t turn my head if some of you spoke to me once in a while. Say—can you tell me what these folks are up to?

Cornish

Up to … up to?

Mrs. Bett

Yes. They’re all stepping round here, up to something. I don’t know what.

Ninian

Why, Mrs. Bett, we’re going to the city to the theater, you know.

Mrs. Bett

Well, why didn’t you say so?

[Enter Dwight.]

Dwight

Ha! Everybody ready? Well, well, well, well. How are you, Cornish? You going too, Ina says.

Cornish

Yes, I thought I might as well. I mean⸺

Dwight

That’s right, that’s right. Mama Bett. Look here!

Mrs. Bett

What’s that?

Dwight

Ice cream—it’s ice cream. Who is it sits home and has ice cream put in her lap like a ku-ween?

Mrs. Bett

Vanilly or chocolate?

Dwight

Chocolate, Mama Bett.

Mrs. Bett

Vanilly sets better…. I’ll put it in the ice chest—I may eat it.

[Takes spoon from sideboard. Exit. Cornish goes with her.]

Dwight

Where’s the lovely Lulu?

Ninian

She’ll be here directly.

Dwight

Now what I want to know, Nin, is how you’ve hypnotized the lovely Lulu into this thing.

Ninian

Into going? Dwight, I’ll tell you about that. I asked her to go with us. Do you get it? I invited the woman.

Dwight

Ah, but with a way—with a way. She’s never been anywhere like this with us…. Well, Nin, how does it seem to see me settled down into a respectable married citizen in my own town—eh?

Ninian

Oh—you seem just like yourself.

Dwight

Yes, yes. I don’t change much. Don’t feel a day older than I ever did.

Ninian

And you don’t act it.

Dwight

Eh, you wouldn’t think it to look at us, but our aunt had her hands pretty full bringing us up. Nin, we must certainly run up state and see Aunt Mollie while you’re here. She isn’t very well.

Ninian

I don’t know whether I’ll have time or not.

Dwight

Nin, I love that woman. She’s an angel. When I think of her I feel—I give you my word—I feel like somebody else.

[Enter Mrs. Bett and Cornish.]

Ninian

Nice old lady.

Mrs. Bett

Who’s a nice old lady?

Dwight

You, Mama Bett! Who else but you—eh? Well, now, Nin, what about you. You’ve been saying mighty little about yourself. What’s been happening to you, anyway?⸺

Ninian

That’s the question.

Dwight

Traveling mostly—eh?

Ninian

Yes, traveling mostly.

Dwight

I thought Ina and I might get over to the other side this year, but I guess not—I guess not.

Mrs. Bett

Pity not to have went while the going was good.

Dwight

What’s that, Mama Bett?

[Enter Lulu.]

Ah, the lovely Lulu. She comes, she comes! My word what a costoom. And a coiffure.

Lulu

Thank you. How do you do, Mr. Cornish?

Cornish

How do you do, Miss Lulu? You see they’re taking me along too.

Lulu

That’s nice. But, Mr. Deacon, I’m afraid I can’t go after all. I haven’t any gloves.

Ninian

No backing out now.

Dwight

Can’t you wear some old gloves of Ina’s?

Lulu

No, no. Ina’s gloves are too fat for me—I mean too—mother, how does this hat look?

Mrs. Bett

You’d ought to know how it looks, Lulie. You’ve had it on your head for ten years, hand-running.

Lulu

And I haven’t any theater cape. I couldn’t go with my jacket and no gloves, could I?

Dwight

Now why need a charmer like you care about clothes!

Lulu

I wouldn’t want you gentlemen to be ashamed of me.

Cornish

Why, Miss Lulu, you look real neat.

Mrs. Bett

Act as good as you look, Lulie. You mind me and go on.

[Enter Ina.]

Dwight

Ha! All ready with our hat on! For a wonder, all ready with our hat on.

Ina

That isn’t really necessary, Dwight.

Lulu

Ina, I wondered—I thought about your linen duster. Would it hurt if I wore that?

Dwight

The new one?

Lulu

Oh no, no. The old one.

Ina

Why take it, Lulu, yes, certainly. Get it, Dwightie, there in the hall.

[Dwight goes.]

Cornish

Miss Lulu, with all the solid virtues you’ve got, you don’t need to think for a moment of how you look.

Lulu

Now you’re remembering the meat pie again, aren’t you?

[Enter Dwight.]

Dwight

Now! The festive opera cloak. Allow me! My word, what a picture! Lulu the charmer dressed for her deboo into society, eh?

Ninian

Dwight, shut your head. I want you to understand this is Miss Lulu Bett’s party—and if she says to leave you home, we’ll do it.

Dwight

Ah, ha! An understanding between these two.

Cornish

Well, Miss Lulu, I think you’re just fine anyway.

Lulu

Oh, thank you. Thank you….

[Enter Di.]

Ina

All ready, darling?

All ready—and so excited! Isn’t it exciting, Mr. Cornish?

Dwight

Bless me if the whole family isn’t assembled. Now isn’t this pleasant! Ten—let me see—twelve minutes before we need set out. Then the city and dinner—not just Lulu’s cooking, but dinner! By a chef.

Ina

That’s sheff, Dwightie. Not cheff.

Dwight

[Indicating Ina.]

Little crusty to-night. Pettie, your hat’s just a little mite—no, over the other way.

Ina

Was there anything to prevent your speaking of that before?

Lulu

Ina, that hat’s ever so much prettier than the old one.

Ina

I never saw anything the matter with the old one.

Dwight

She’ll be all right when we get started—out among the bright lights. Adventure—adventure is what the woman wants. I’m too tame for her.

Ina

Idiot.

[Back at window, Bobby Larkin appears. Di slips across to him.]

Mrs. Bett

I s’pose you all think I like being left sitting here stark alone?

Ninian

Why, Mrs. Bett⸺

Ina

Why, mama⸺

Lulu

Oh, mother, I’ll stay with you.

Dwight

Oh, look here, if she really minds staying alone I’ll stay with her.

Mrs. Bett

Where you going anyway?

Lulu

The theater, mama.

Mrs. Bett

First I’ve heard of it.

[Monona is heard chanting.]

Ina

You’ll have Monona with you, mama.

[Mrs. Bett utters one note of laughter, thin and high.]

[Enter Monona.]

Monona

Where you going?

Ina

The city, dear.

[Monona cries.]

Now quiet, pettie, quiet⸺

Monona

You’ve all got to bring me something. And I’m going to sit up and eat it, too.

Mrs. Bett

Come here, you poor, neglected child.

[Throughout the following scene Mrs. Bett is absorbed with Monona, and Di with Bobby.]

Dwight

What’s Lulu the charmer so still for, eh?

Lulu

I was thinking how nice it is to be going off with you all like this.

Dwight

Such a moment advertises to the single the joys of family life as Ina and I live it.

Ina

It’s curious that you’ve never married, Ninian.

Ninian

Don’t say it like that. Maybe I have. Or maybe I will.

Dwight

She wants everybody to marry but she wishes she hadn’t.

Ina

Do you have to be so foolish?

Dwight

Hi—better get started before she makes a scene. It’s too early yet, though. Well—Lulu, you dance on the table.

Ina

Why, Dwight?

Dwight

Got to amuse ourselves somehow. They’ll begin to read the funeral service over us.

Ninian

Why not the wedding service?

Dwight

Ha, ha, ha!

Ninian

I shouldn’t object. Should you, Miss Lulu?

Lulu

I—I don’t know it so I can’t say it.

Ninian

I can say it.

Dwight

Where’d you learn it?

Ninian

Goes like this: I, Ninian, take thee, Lulu, to be my wedded wife.

Dwight

Lulu don’t dare say that.

Ninian

Show him, Miss Lulu.

Dwight

I, Lulu, take thee, Ninian, to be my wedded husband.

Ninian

You will?

Lulu

I will. There—I guess I can join in like the rest of you.

Ninian

And I will. There, by Jove! have we entertained the company, or haven’t we?

Ina

Oh, honestly—I don’t think you ought to—holy things so—what’s the matter, Dwightie?

Dwight

Say, by George, you know, a civil wedding is binding in this state.

Ninian

A civil wedding—oh, well⸺

Dwight

But I happen to be a magistrate.

Ina

Why, Dwightie—why, Dwightie….

Cornish

Mr. Deacon, this can’t be possible.

Dwight

I tell you, what these two have said is all that they have to say according to law. And there don’t have to be witnesses—say!

Lulu

Don’t … don’t … don’t let Dwight scare you.

Ninian

Scare me! why, I think it’s a good job done if you ask me.

[Their eyes meet in silence.]

Ina

Mercy, sister!

Dwight

Oh, well—I should say we can have it set aside up in the city and no one will be the wiser.

Ninian

Set aside nothing. I’d like to see it stand.

Ina

Ninian, are you serious?

Ninian

Of course I’m serious.

Ina

Lulu. You hear him? What are you going to say to that?

Lulu

He isn’t in earnest.

Ninian

I am in earnest—hope to die.

Lulu

Oh, no, no!

Ninian

You come with me. We’ll have it done over again somewhere if you say so.

Lulu

Why—why—that couldn’t be….

Ninian

Why couldn’t it be—why couldn’t it?

Lulu

How could you want me?

Ninian

Didn’t I tell you I liked you from the first minute I saw you?

Lulu

Yes. Yes, you did. But—no, no. I couldn’t let you⸺

Ninian

Never mind that. Would you be willing to go with me? Would you?

Lulu

But you—you said you wanted—oh, maybe you’re just doing this because⸺

Ninian

Lulu. Never mind any of that. Would you be willing to go with me?

Lulu

Oh, if I thought⸺

Ninian

Good girl⸺

Ina

Why, Lulu. Why, Dwight. It can’t be legal.

Dwight

Why? Because it’s your sister? I’ve married dozens of couples this way. Dozens.

Ninian

Good enough—eh, Lulu?

Lulu

It’s—it’s all right, I guess.

Dwight

Well, I’ll be dished.

Cornish

Well, by Jerusalem….

Ina

Sister!

Ninian

I was going to make a trip south this month on my way home from here. Suppose we make sure of this thing and start right off. You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Going to Savannah?

Lulu

Yes, I’d like that.

Ninian

Then that’s checked off.

Dwight

I suppose we call off our trip to the city to-night then.

Ninian

Call off nothing. Come along. Give us a send-off. You can shoot our trunks after us, can’t you? All right, Miss Lulu—er—er, Mrs. Lulu?

Lulu

If you won’t be ashamed of me.

Ninian

I can buy you some things in the city to-morrow.

Lulu

Oh….

Ina

Oh, mama, mama! Did you hear? Di! Aunt Lulu’s married.

Married? Aunt Lulu?

Ina

Just now. Right here. By papa.

Oh, to Mr. Cornish?

Cornish

No, Miss Di. Don’t you worry.

Ina

To Ninian, mama. They’ve just been married—Lulu and Ninian.

Mrs. Bett

Who’s going to do your work?

Lulu

Oh, mother dearest—I don’t know who will. I ought not to have done this. Well, of course, I didn’t do it⸺

Mrs. Bett

I knew well enough you were all keeping something from me.

Ina

But, mama! It was so sudden⸺

Lulu

I never planned to do it, mother—not like this⸺

Mrs. Bett

Well, Inie, I should think Lulie might have had a little more consideration to her than this.

[At the window, behind the curtain, Di has just kissed Bobby good-by.]

Lulu

Mother dearest, tell me it’s all right.

Mrs. Bett

This is what comes of going to the theater.

Lulu

Mother⸺

Dwight

Come on, everybody, if we’re going to make that train.

Ninian

Yes. Let’s get out of this.

Cornish

Come, Miss Di.

Ina

Oh, I’m so flustrated!

Dwight

Come, come, come all! On to the festive city!

Monona

[Dancing stiffly up and down.]

I was to a wedding! I was to a wedding!

Ninian

Good-by, Mama Bett!

Lulu

Mother, mother! Don’t forget the two pies!

CURTAIN