JOE MILLER’S JESTS. (continued 5)

873. The father of the celebrated Sheridan was one day descanting on the pedigree of his family, regretting that they were no longer styled the O’Sheridans, as they were formerly. Indeed, father, replied Sheridan, then a boy, we have more right to the O than any one else; for we owe everybody.

874. A country carpenter having neglected to make a gibbet (which was ordered by the executioner), on the ground that he had not been paid for the last he erected, gave so much offence, that the next time the judge went the circuit he was sent for. Fellow, said the judge, in a stern tone, how came you to neglect making the gibbet that was ordered on my account? I humbly beg your pardon, said the carpenter, had I known it had been for your lordship, it should have been done immediately.

875. An Intendant of Montpellier, having lost his lady, was solicitous that the chief officers of the city should attend her funeral obsequies. This honour the magistrates thought proper to refuse, because it was not customary, and might introduce a bad precedent. With a view, however, to conciliate the favour of a person whom it would not be their interest to offend, they politely added, If, sir, it had been your own funeral, we should have attended it with the greatest pleasure.

876. An Irish bookseller, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he had personal objection, he might legally challenge them. Faith, and so I will, replied he; if they do not bring me off handsomely I will shoot every man of them.

877. A prisoner confined in a French prison for a petty debt, lately sent to his creditor, to let him know he had a proposal to make for their mutual benefit. The creditor came, and the incarcerated thus addressed him: Sir, I have been thinking that it is a very idle thing for me to be here, and put you to the expense of twenty sous a day. My being so chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and God knows what it may cost you in the end. Therefore, I propose that you should let me out of prison, and, instead of a franc, you shall allow me only ten sous a day, and the other half franc shall go towards the discharge of the debt.[C]

878. Porson was no less distinguished for his wit and humour during his residence in Cambridge, than for his profound learning; and he would frequently divert himself by sending quizzical morceaux, in the shape of notes, to his companions. He one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain Cantab, who is now a D.D. and master of his college, requesting him to find the value of nothing; next day he met his friend walking, and, stopping him, he desired to know, whether he had succeeded? His friend answered, Yes. And what may it be? asked Porson. Sixpence! replied he, which I gave the man for bringing the note.

879. A fellow of atrocious ugliness chanced to pick up a looking-glass on his road. But when he looked at himself he flung it away in a rage, crying, Curse you, if you were good for anything you would not have been thrown away by your owner.

880. Dr. Graham being on his stage at Chelmsford, in Essex, in order to promote the sale of his medicines, told the country people that he came there for the good of the public, not for want. Then speaking to his merry Andrew, Andrew, said he, do we come here for want? No, faith, sir, said Andrew, we have enough of that at home.

881. An Irish gentleman meeting his nephew, who told him he had just been entered at college, replied, I am extremely happy to hear it; make the most of your time and abilities, and I hope I shall live to hear you preach my funeral sermon.

882. An old gentleman, who used to frequent one of the coffee-houses in Dublin, being unwell, thought he might make so free as to steal an opinion concerning his case; accordingly, one day he took an opportunity of asking one of the faculty, who sat in the same box with him, what he should take for such a complaint? Advice, said the doctor.

883. An Irishman maintained in company that the sun did not make his revolution round the earth. But how, said one to him, is it possible, that having reached the west, where he sets, he could be seen to rise in the east, if he did not pass underneath the globe? How puzzled you are, replied the obstinate ignorant man; he returns the same way; and if it be not perceived, it is on account of his coming back by night.

884. Baron d’Adrets occasionally made his prisoners throw themselves headlong, from the battlements of a high tower, upon the pikes of his soldiers. One of these unfortunate persons, having approached the battlements twice, without venturing to leap, the baron reproached him with his want of courage, in a very insulting manner. Why, sir, said the prisoner, bold as you are, I would give you five times before you took the leap. This pleasantry saved the poor fellow’s life.

885. An Irishman, angling in the rain, was observed to keep his line under the arch of a bridge; upon being asked the reason, he gave the following answer: To be sure, the fishes will be after crowding there, in order to keep out of the wet.

886. A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a very long face, that he had seen a ghost. When and where? said the pastor. Last night, replied the timid man, I was passing by the church, and up against the wall of it, did I behold the spectre. In what shape did it appear? replied the priest. It appeared in the shape of a great ass. Go home, and say not a word about it, rejoined the pastor: you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow.

887. A lady remarking to a bookseller that she had just had Crabbe’s Tales, and thought them excellent; another lady heard the observation with astonishment, and on the departure of the speaker, asked the bookseller, with a very grave face, If he could tell her how the crab’s tails were dressed, as she should like much to taste them.

888. A very worthy, though not particularly erudite, underwriter at Lloyd’s was conversing one day with a friend in the coffee-house, on the subject of a ship they had mutually insured. His friend observed, Do you know, I shrewdly suspect our ship is in jeopardy. The devil she is! said he; well, I am glad that she has got into port at last.

889. Sir Thomas Overbury says, that the man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious ancestors, is like a potato plant—the only good belonging to him is under ground.

890. It is well known that the celebrated lawyer Dunning (afterwards Lord Ashburton) was a severe cross-examiner, unsparing in his sarcasms and reflections upon character, when he thought that the truth might be elicited by alarming a witness. He sometimes was harsh and overbearing, when milder behaviour would have done him more credit, and answered his purpose quite as well. Among the numerous rebukes which he received for this habit of severity, the following is related, from his brother barrister, Jack Lee. He mentioned to Lee that he had made a purchase of some manors in Devonshire. It would be well, said Lee, if you could bring them to Westminster Hall.

891. The late Lee Lewes shooting on a field, the proprietor attacked him violently: I allow no person, said he, to kill game on my manor but myself, and I’ll shoot you, if you come here again. What, said the other, I suppose you mean to make game of me.

892. George the Fourth, on hearing some one declare that Moore had murdered Sheridan, in his biography of that statesman, observed: I won’t say that Mr. Moore has murdered Sheridan, but he has certainly attempted his life.

893. The late Duke of Norfolk was remarkably fond of his bottle. On a masquerade night, he consulted Foote as to what character he should appear in. Don’t go disguised, said Foote, but assume a new character; go sober.

894. Lord B—, who sports a ferocious pair of whiskers, meeting Mr. O’Connell in Dublin, the latter said, When do you mean to place your whiskers on the peace establishment? When you place your tongue on the civil list! was the witty rejoinder.

895. A gentleman, at whose house Swift was once dining in Ireland, introduced at dinner remarkably small hock glasses, and at length turning to Swift addressed him,—Mr. Dean, I shall be happy to take a glass of hic, hæc, hoc, with you. Sir, rejoined the doctor, I shall be happy to comply, but it must be out of a hujus glass.

896. There were two very fat noblemen at the court of Louis the Fifteenth, the Duke de L— and the Duke de N—. They were both one day at the levee, when the king began to rally the former on his corpulence. You take no exercise, I suppose, said the king. Pardon me, sire, said de L—, I walk twice a day round my cousin de N—.

897. An avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining on Saturday with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow. O, yes, retorted the half-starved lad, but I ha’nt eaten for yesterday and to-day yet, father.

898. Shortly after the commencement of the last war, a tax was laid on candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dear. A Scotch wife, in Greenock, remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that the price was raised, and asked why. It’s a’ owin’ to the war, said Paddy. The war! said the astonished matron, gracious me! are they gaun to fight by candle light?

899. Dr. Parr, who, it is well known, was not very partial to the Thea linensis, although lauded so warmly by a French writer as nostris gratissima musis, being invited to take tea by a lady, with true classic wit and refined gallantry, uttered the following delicate compliment:—Non possum te-cum vivere, nec sine te!

900. Benjamin Franklin, when a child, found the long graces used by his father before and after meals, very tedious. One day, after the winter’s provisions had been salted—I think, father, said Benjamin, if you were to say grace over the whole cask once for all, it would be a great saving of time.

901. Mr. Pitt, said the Duchess of Gordon, I wish you to dine with me at ten this evening. I must decline the honour, said the premier, for I am engaged to sup with the Bishop of Lincoln at nine.

902. Burnet relates that the Habeas Corpus Act was carried by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lords Grey and Norris being named the tellers, and Lord Norris being subject to vapours, was not at all times attentive; on a very fat lord passing, Lord Grey counted him as ten, as a jest at first, but seeing Lord Norris had not observed it, he went on, and it was reported to the house, and it was declared, that they who were for the bill, were the majority, though it was really on the other side; and by this means the bill was passed. Would that all tricks had the same happy results!

903. The late Bonnel Thornton, like most wits, was a lover of conviviality, which frequently led him to spend the whole night in company, and all the next morning in bed. On one of these occasions, an old female relation, having waited on him before he had risen, began to read him a familiar lecture on prudence; which she concluded by saying, Ah! Bonnel, Bonnel! I see plainly that you’ll shorten your days. Very true, Madam, replied he, but, by the same rule, you must admit that I shall lengthen my nights.

904. An attorney, who was much molested by a fellow importuning him to bestow something, threatened to have him taken up as a common beggar. A beggar! exclaimed the man, I would have you to know that I am of the same profession as yourself; are we not both solicitors? That may be, friend, yet there is this difference—you are not a legal one, which I am.

905. Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neckcloth of his companion, said, I see you are a Grecian. Pooh! said the other, that’s far-fetched. No, indeed, said the punster, I made it on the spot.

906. Foote being in company, and the Tuscan grape producing more riot than concord, he observed one gentleman so far gone in debate as to throw the bottle at his antagonist’s head; upon which, catching the missile in his hand, he restored the harmony of the company, by observing, that if the bottle was passed so quickly, not one of them would be able to stand out the evening.

907. On Mr. H. Erskine’s receiving his appointment to succeed Mr. Dundas, as justiciary in Scotland, he exclaimed that he must go and order his silk robe. Never mind, said Mr. Dundas, for the short time you will want it, you had better borrow mine! No! replied Erskine, how short a time soever I may need it, heaven forbid that I commence my career by adopting the abandoned habits of my predecessor.

908. Lord Mansfield being willing to save a man who stole a watch, desired the jury to value it at tenpence; upon which the prosecutor cried out, Tenpence, my lord! why the very fashion of it cost me five pounds. Oh, said his lordship, we must not hang a man for fashion’s sake.

909. One morning a party came into the public rooms at Buxton, somewhat later than usual, and requested some tongue. They were told that Lord Byron had eaten it all. I am very angry with his lordship, said a lady, loud enough for him to hear the observation. I am sorry for it, madam, retorted Lord Byron; but before I ate the tongue, I was assured you did not want it.

910. Sir William Gooch being engaged in conversation with a gentleman in a street of the city of Williamsburgh, returned the salute of a negro, who was passing by about his master’s business. Sir William, said the gentleman, do you descend so far as to salute a slave? Why, yes, replied the governor; I cannot suffer a man of his condition to exceed me in good manners.

911. A learned Irish Judge, among other peculiarities, has a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. On his circuit, a short time since, his favourite expression was employed in a singular manner. At the close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the court reminded him that he had not passed sentence on one of the criminals, as he had intended—Dear me! said his lordship, I really beg his pardon—bring him in.

912. Dr. Parr and Lord Erskine are said to have been the vainest men of their time. At dinner, some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasy with the conversational powers of Lord E., called out to him, My lord, I mean to write your epitaph. Dr. Parr, replied the noble lawyer, it is a temptation to commit suicide.

913. Gibbon the historian, notwithstanding his shortness and rotundity, was very gallant. One day being alone with Madame de Cronuas, Gibbon wished to seize the favourable moment, and suddenly dropping on his knees, he declared his love in the most passionate terms. Madame de Cronuas replied in a tone to prevent the repetition of such a scene. Gibbon was thunder-struck, but still remained on his knees, though frequently desired to get up and resume his seat. Sir, said Madame de Cronuas, will you have the goodness to rise? Alas, madam, replied the unhappy lover, I cannot—(his size prevented him from rising without assistance)—upon this Madame de Cronuas rang the bell, saying to the servant, Assist Mr. Gibbon up.

914. An Irishman, who served on board a man-of-war in the capacity of a waister, was selected by one of the officers to haul in a tow-line, of considerable length, that was towing over the taffrail. After rowsing-in forty or fifty fathoms, which had put his patience severely to proof, as well as every muscle of his arms, he muttered to himself, By my soul, it’s as long as to-day and to-morrow!—It’s a good week’s work for any five in the ship!—Bad luck to the arm or leg it’ll lave me at last!—What! more of it yet!—Och, murder; the sa’s mighty deep, to be sure! When, after continuing in a similar strain, and conceiving there was little probability of the completion of the labour, he stopped suddenly short, and addressing the officer of the watch, exclaimed, Bad manners to me sir, if I don’t think somebody’s cut off the other end of it!

915. Rose, private secretary to Louis XIV., having married his daughter to M. Portail, president of the parliament, was constantly receiving from his son-in-law, complaints of his daughter’s ill temper. To one of these he at length answered, that he was fully convinced of her misconduct, and was resolved to punish her for it: in short, that if he heard any more of it, he would disinherit her. He heard no more.

916. It was some years ago said in the parliament-house at Edinburgh, that a gentleman who was notorious for a pretty good appetite, had eaten away his senses. Poh! replied Erskine, they would not be a mouthful to a man of his bowels.

917. Sir Watkin Williams Wynne talking to a friend about the antiquity of his family, which he carried up to Noah, was told that he was a mere mushroom of yesterday. How so, pray? said the baronet. Why continued the other, when I was in Wales, a pedigree of a particular family was shown to me: it filled up above five large skins of parchment, and near the middle of it was a note in the margin—About this time the world was created.

918. A gentleman having occasion to call upon Mr. Joseph Graham, writer, found him at home in his writing chamber. He remarked the great heat of the apartment, and said, It was hot as an oven. So it ought, replied Mr. G., for ’tis here I make my bread.

919. Judge Burnet, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by his father in a very serious humour, What is the matter with you, Tom? said the bishop; what are you ruminating on? A greater work than your Lordship’s History of the Reformation, answered the son. Ay! what is that? asked the father. The reformation of myself, my lord, replied the son.

920. A facetious abbé having engaged a box at the opera-house at Paris, was turned out of his possession by a marshal of France, as remarkable for his ungentlemanlike behaviour as for his cowardice and meanness. The abbé, for his unjustifiable breach of good manners, brought his action in a court of honour, and solicited permission to be his own advocate, which was granted, when he pleaded to the following effect:—It is not of Monsieur Suffrein, who acted so nobly in the East Indies, that I complain; it is not of the Duke de Crebillon, who took Minorca, that I complain; it is not of the Comte de Grasse, who so bravely fought Lord Rodney, that I complain; but it is of Marshal ——, who took my box at the opera-house, and never took anything else. This most poignant stroke of satire so sensibly convinced the court that he had already inflicted punishment sufficient, that they refused to grant him a verdict—a fine compliment to the abbé’s wit.

921. Frederic, conqueror as he was, sustained a severe defeat at Coslin in the war of 1755. Some time after, at a review, he jocosely asked a soldier, who had got a deep cut in his cheek, Friend, at what alehouse did you get that scratch? I got it, said the soldier, at Coslin, where your majesty paid the reckoning.

922. During an action of Admiral Rodney with the French, a woman assisted at one of the guns on the main deck, and being asked by the admiral, what she did there? she replied, An’t please your honour, my husband is sent down to the cockpit wounded, and I am here to supply his place: do you think, your honour, I am afraid of the French?

923. The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Falling asleep one day after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the general, the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having been asleep; and to prove he had not, offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington repeated a story, and Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. And yet, said Doddington, I did not hear a word of it; but I went to sleep because I knew that about this time you would tell that story.

924. When the late Duchess of Kingston wished to be received at the court of Berlin, she got the Russian minister there to mention her intention to his Prussian majesty, and to tell him at the same time, that her fortune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her heart was at Berlin. The king replied, I am sorry we are only intrusted with the worst part of her grace’s property.

925. Fletcher, Bishop of Nismes, was the son of a tallow-chandler. A proud duke once endeavoured to mortify the prelate, by saying, at the levee, that he smelt of tallow: to which the bishop replied, My lord, I am the son of a chandler, it is true, and if your lordship had been, you would have remained so all the days of your life.

926. Zimmerman, who was very eminent as a physician, went from Hanover to attend Frederic the Great in his last illness. One day the king said to him, You have, I presume, sir, helped many a man into another world? This was a rude speech, and an unpleasant pill for the doctor; but the dose he gave the king in return, was a judicious mixture of truth and flattery: Not so many as your majesty, nor with so much honour to myself.

927. During the riots of 1780, most persons in London, in order to save their houses from being burned or pulled down, wrote on the outside, No Popery! Old Grimaldi, to avoid all mistakes, wrote on his, No Religion.

928. Mr. Palmer going home, after the business of the theatre was concluded one evening, saw a man lying on the ground, with another on him beating him violently; upon this he remonstrated with the uppermost, telling him his conduct was unfair, and that he ought to let his opponent get up, and have an equal chance with him. The fellow drolly turned up his face to Mr. Palmer, and drily replied, Faith, sir, if you had been at as much trouble to get him down as I have, you would not be for letting him get up so readily.

929. A French ambassador at an audience with James I. conversed with such rapidity, gesticulation, and grimace, as excited the wonder and conversation of the court. James afterwards asked Lord Chancellor Bacon, what he thought of the ambassador. Sire, replied the philosopher, he appears a fine, tall, well-built man. I mean, interrupted the king, what do you think of his head? is it equal to his employment? Sire, answered Bacon, men of high stature very often resemble houses of four or five stories, where the upper one is always the worst furnished.

930. In Mr. Fox’s frolicsome days, a tradesman, who held his bill for two hundred pounds, called for payment. Charles said he could not then discharge it. How can that be? said the creditor; you have just now lying before you bank notes to a large amount. Those, replied Mr. Fox, are for paying my debts of honour. The tradesman immediately threw his bill into the fire. Now, sir, said he, mine is a debt of honour, which I cannot oblige you to pay. Charles, much to his honour, instantly paid him his full demand.

931. The Duke d’Ossuna, being viceroy of Naples, went on board a Spanish galley, on a festival, to exercise his right of delivering one of the wretches from punishment. On interrogating them why they were brought there, they all asserted their innocence but one, who confessed that his punishment was too small for his crimes. The duke said, Here, take away this rascal, lest he should corrupt all these honest men!

932. V— having satirized a nobleman who was powerful at court, the latter sought every occasion to revenge himself, and challenged V— to fight him with swords. We are not equals, replied the poet; you are very great, I am little; you are brave, I am cowardly; you wish to kill me—eh bien, I will consider myself as dead. This timely jest turned the anger of the nobleman into irrestrainable laughter, and they parted good friends.

933. In the time of the old court, the faces of the Parisian ladies were spotted with patches like pards, and plastered with rouge like so many red lions of the roadside. Lord Chesterfield, being at Paris, was asked by Voltaire, if he did not think some French ladies, then in company, whose cheeks were fashionably tinted, very beautiful. Excuse me, said Chesterfield, from giving an opinion: I am really no judge of amateur painting.

934. George II. passing through his chamber one evening, preceded by a single page, a small canvas bag of guineas, which he held in his hand, accidentally dropped, and one of them rolled under a closet door, in which wood was usually kept for the use of his bed-chamber. After the king had very deliberately picked up the money, he found himself deficient of a guinea; and, guessing where it went, Come, said he to the page, we must find this guinea; here, help me to throw out the wood. The page and he accordingly went to work, and after some time found it. Well, said the king, you have wrought hard, there is the guinea for your labour, but I would have nothing lost.

935. A beauish marquis waited on some ladies, in order to take them to the Paris Observatory, where the celebrated Cassini was to observe an eclipse of the sun. The arrival of this party had been delayed by the toilet; and the eclipse was over when the petit-maitre appeared at the door. He was informed he had come too late, and that all was over. Never mind, ladies, said he, step up; Monsieur Cassini is a particular friend of mine; he will be so obliging as to begin again for me.

936. When Rabelais was on his death-bed, a consultation of physicians was called. Dear gentlemen, said the wit to the doctors, raising his languid head, let me die a natural death.

937. Dr. Busby, whose figure was beneath the common size, was one day accosted in a public coffee-room, by an Irish baronet of colossal stature, with, May I pass to my seat, O Giant? When the doctor, politely making way, replied, Pass, O Pigmy! Oh, sir, said the baronet, my expression alluded to the size of your intellect. And my expression, sir, said the doctor, to the size of your’s.

938. An apothecary, who used to value himself on his knowledge of drugs, asserted that all bitter things were hot. No, said a gentleman present, there is one of a very different quality—a bitter cold day.

939. Philip, Earl Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House of Peers by a door-keeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the house without explaining who he was; and the door-keeper, equally determined on his part, said to him, Honest man, you have no business here; honest man, you can have no business in this place. I believe, rejoined his lordship, you are right; honest men have no business here.

940. When the late King of Denmark was in England, he very frequently honoured Sir Thomas Robinson with his company, though the knight spoke French in a very imperfect manner, and the king had scarce any knowledge of English. One day, when Sir Thomas was in company with the late Lord Chesterfield, and boasted much of his intimacy with the king, and added, that he believed the monarch had a greater friendship for him than any man in England, How report lies, exclaimed Lord Chesterfield; I heard no later than this day, that you never met but a great deal of bad language passed between you.

941. One of the most flattering and ingenious compliments Frederick ever paid, was that which he addressed to the celebrated General Laudohn, at the time of his interview with the emperor at the camp of Neiss. After they had discoursed for about an hour, the two monarchs sat down to dinner, with the princes and general officers in their train. Marshal Laudohn, who had been invited among the rest, was about to seat himself at the bottom of the table, but the king bade him come and sit by him, saying, Come here, General Laudohn; I have always wished to see you on my side, instead of fronting me.

942. Dr. Walcot, better known as Peter Pindar, called one day upon a bookseller in Paternoster Row, the publisher of his works, by way of inquiring into the literary and other news of the day. After some chat, the doctor was asked to take a glass of wine with the seller of his wit and poetry. Our author consented to accept of a little negus as an innocent morning beverage; when instantly was presented to him a cocoa-nut goblet, with the face of a man carved on it. Eh! eh! said the doctor, what have we here? A man’s skull, replied the bookseller; a poet’s for what I know. Nothing more likely, rejoined the facetious doctor, for it is universally known that all you booksellers drink your wine from our skulls.

943. A gentleman who was dining with another, praised very much the meat, and asked who was the butcher? His name is Addison. Addison! echoed the guest, pray is he any relation to the poet? In all probability he is, for he is seldom without his steel (Steele) by his side.

944. Swift having paid a visit at Sir Arthur Acheson’s country seat, and being, on the morning of his return to his deanery, detained a few minutes longer than he expected at his breakfast, found, when he came to the door, his own man on horseback, and a servant of Sir Arthur’s holding the horse he was to ride himself. He mounted, turned the head of his horse towards his own man, and asked him in a low voice if he did not think he should give something to the servant who held his horse, and if he thought five shillings would be too much: No, sir, it will not, if you mean to do the thing handsomely, was the reply. The dean made no remark upon this, but when he paid his man’s weekly account, wrote under it, Deducted from this, for money paid to Sir Arthur’s servant for doing your business, five shillings.

945. Two Irish porters meeting in Dublin, one addressed the other with, Och, Thady, my jewel, is it you? Are you just come from England! Pray did you see anything of our old friend, Pat Murphy? The devil a sight, replied he, and what’s worse, I’m afraid I never shall. How so? Why, he met with a very unfortunate accident lately. Amazing! What was it? O, indeed, nothing more than this; as he was standing on a plank, talking devoutly to a priest, at a place in London which I think they call the Old Bailey, the plank suddenly gave way, and poor Murphy got his neck broke.

946. A Quaker from Bristol, who lately alighted at an inn, called for some porter, and observing, as it is now the fashion, the pint deficient in quantity, thus addressed the landlord: Pray, friend, how many butts of beer dost thou draw in a month? Ten, sir, replied Boniface. And thou wouldst like to draw eleven if thou couldst, rejoined Ebenezer. Certainly, exclaimed the smiling landlord. Then I will tell thee how, friend, added the Quaker—fill thy measures.

947. A man who was on the point of being married, obtained from his confessor his certificate of confession. Having read it, he observed that the priest had omitted the usual penance. Did you not tell me, said the confessor, that you were going to be married?

948. Lord Galloway was an enemy to the Bute administration. At the change of the ministry he came to London, for the first time in the late king’s reign. He was dressed in black, in a very uncourtly style. When he appeared at the levee, the eyes of the company were turned upon him, and George Selwyn being asked who he was, replied, A Scotch undertaker come to bury the last administration.

949. Old Astley, one evening, when his band was playing an overture, went up to the horn players, and asked why they were not playing? They said they had twenty bars rest. Rest! said he, I’ll have nobody rest in my company; I pay you for playing, not for resting.

950. Tom Tickle was peculiarly odd in his manner of drawing characters. He once sent his servant to a gentleman, remarkable for being always in a hurry, with a message of great importance; but the servant returned, and told his master that the gentleman was in so great a hurry he could not speak to him. It is no more than what I expected, said Tom, for he loses an hour in the morning, and runs after it all day.

951. As the late Chevalier Taylor was once enumerating, in company, the great honours which he had received from the different princes of Europe, and the orders with which he had been dignified by numerous sovereigns, a gentleman present took occasion to remark, that he had not named the king of Prussia; adding, I suppose, sir, that monarch never gave you any order! You are quite mistaken, sir, replied the Chevalier; for I can most positively assure you, that he gave me a very peremptory order—to quit his dominions.

952. A lady of rank, dancing one evening, approached so near to a chandelier, that the fluttering plume of feathers, waving to and fro on her forehead, came in contact with the flame, and the whole was instantly in a blaze. The illumination, however, was quickly and happily extinguished without harm; when her husband, seeing the danger avoided, and the thoughtlessness of the act, peevishly and half angrily exclaimed, Surely, your ladyship must be absolutely mad! No, no, replied her ladyship, only a little light-headed.

953. A poor player, in a mixed company, undertook to quote a passage from Shakespeare, that should be applicable to any remark that might be made by any person present. A forward young fellow undertook to supply a sentence that he believed could not be answered from the works of the bard; and addressing the player, he said, You are the most insolent pretender in the room. “You forget yourself,” promptly replied the player, quoting from the quarrel-scene between Brutus and Cassius.

954. At a public dinner, a gentleman observed a person who sat opposite use a toothpick which had just done the same service to his neighbour. Wishing to apprise him of his mistake, he said, I beg your pardon, sir, but you are using Mr. ——’s toothpick. I know I am. By the powers, sir, do you think I am not going to return it!

955. A Leicestershire farmer, who had never seen a silver fork, had some soup handed to him at a dinner lately. He found that no spoon was placed at his elbow. Lifting the fork, and twirling it in his fingers for some time, he called the waiter, and requested him to bring a silver spoon wi’out ony slits in it.

956. A sailor coming across Blackheath one evening, was stopped by a footpad, who demanded his money, when a scuffle ensued. The tar took the robber, and bore away with his prize to a justice of the peace at Woolwich. When the magistrate came to examine into the assault, he told the sailor that he must take his oath that the robber had put him in bodily fear, otherwise he could not commit him. The sailor, looking stedfastly at the justice, answered, He,—he put me in bodily fear! No, nor any he that ever lived; therefore, if that is the case you may let him go, for I will not swear to any such thing.

957. A barrister entered the hall with his wig very much awry, of which he was not apprised, but endured from almost every observer some remark on its appearance, till at last, addressing himself to Mr. Curran, he asked him, Do you see anything ridiculous in this wig? The answer instantly was, Nothing but the head.

958. Sterne, who used his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental manner, in praise of conjugal love and fidelity. The husband, said Sterne, who behaves unkindly to his wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head. If you think so, said Garrick, I hope your house is insured.

959. A lady after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonata on the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music? No, madam, replied the doctor; but of all noises I think music is the least disagreeable.

960. The Abbé Maury, who had rendered himself obnoxious to the democrats, during the French revolution, was one night seized by the mob, who looked round for a lamp-post to suspend him on. Pray, my good friends, said the Abbé, were you to hang me to that lamp-post, do you think that you would see any the clearer for it? This well-timed wit softened the rabble and saved his life.

961. Salezzo de Pedrada praising an old lady for her beauty, she answered, that beauty was incompatible with her age. To which Salezzo replied, We say, as beautiful as an angel; and yet the angels are, of all creatures, the most ancient.

962. A French officer quarreling with a Swiss, reproached him with his country’s vice of fighting on either side for money, while we Frenchmen, said he, fight for honour. Yes, sir, replied the Swiss, every one fights for that which he most wants.

963. When the late Mr. Windham, the war minister, was upon a trip to the continent, he met with a Dutch clergyman, who was very eager in his inquiries as to the doctrines and discipline of the church of England, to which he received satisfactory answers; those, however, were succeeded by others of a more difficult nature, particularly as to the manner in which some English preachers manufacture their sermons. Upon Mr. Windham confessing his ignorance of this subject, the Dutchman, in a tone of disappointment, exclaimed, Why, then, I find, sir, after all the conversation we have had, that I have been deceived as to your profession: they told me you were an English minister.

964. Dr. Savage, who died in 1747, travelled in his younger days with the Earl of Salisbury, to whom he was indebted for a considerable living in Hertfordshire. One day at the levee, the king (George I.) asked him how long he had resided at Rome with Lord Salisbury? Upon his telling how long, Why, said the king you stayed there long enough; how is it you did not convert the Pope? Because, sir, replied the doctor, I had nothing better to offer him.

965. On the Scotch circuits, the judges gave dinners, having an allowance for that purpose. The great Lord Kames was extremely parsimonious; and, at a circuit dinner at Perth, did not allow claret, as had been the custom. The conversation turned on Sir Charles Hardy’s fleet, which was then blockaded by the French; and one of the company asked what had become of our fleet. Mr. Henry Erskine answered, Confined, like us, to port.

966. M. Lalande, the French astronomer, during the whole time of the revolution, confined himself to the study of that science. When he found that he had escaped the fury of Robespierre, he jocosely said, I may thank my stars for it.

967. After Dr. Johnson had been honoured with an interview with the king, in the queen’s library at Buckingham House, he was interrogated by a friend concerning his reception, and his opinion of the royal intellect. His majesty, replied the doctor, seems to be possessed of much good-nature and much curiosity, and is far from contemptible. His majesty, indeed, was multifarious in his questions, but he answered them all himself.

968. A common councilman was hoaxed into an opinion, that, as a representative of the citizens, he was entitled to ride through the turnpikes free of expense. He next day mounted his nag, to ascertain his civic privileges; and asked at the turnpike at the Dog-row, in Mile-end road, if, as a common councilman, he had not a right to pass without payment? Yes, replied the turnpike man archly, you may pass yourself, but you must pay for your horse.

969. There was a lady of the west country, that gave a great entertainment at her house, to most of the gallant gentlemen thereabout, and, among others, Sir Walter Raleigh. This lady, though otherwise a stately dame, was a notable good housewife; and in the morning betimes she called to one of her maids that looked to the swine, and asked, Are the pigs served? Sir Walter Raleigh’s chamber was close to the lady’s. Before dinner the lady came down in great state into the assembling-room, which was full of gentlemen, and as soon as Sir Walter cast his eyes upon her, Madam, are the pigs served? The lady answered, You know best whether you have had your breakfast.

970. Joseph II. Emperor of Germany, travelling in his usual way, without his retinue, attended by only a single aide-de-camp, arrived very late at the house of an Englishman, who kept an inn in the Netherlands. It being fair time, and the house rather crowded, the host, ignorant of his guest’s quality, appointed them to sleep in an out-house, which they readily complied with; and, after eating a few slices of ham and biscuit, retired to rest, and in the morning paid their bill, which amounted to only 3s. 6d. English, and rode off. A few hours afterwards, several of his suite coming to inquire after him, and the publican understanding the rank of his guest, appeared very uneasy. Psha! psha! man, said one of the attendants, Joseph is accustomed to such adventures, and will think no more of it. But I shall, replied the landlord; for I can never forget the circumstance, nor forgive myself neither, for having had an emperor in my house, and letting him off for 3s. 6d.

971. Some years ago, says Richardson, in his Anecdotes of Painting, a gentleman came to me to invite me to his house: I have, said he, a picture of Rubens, and it is a rare good one. There is little H. the other day came to see it, and said it was a copy. If any one says so again, I’ll break his head. Pray, Mr. Richardson, will you do me the favour to come, and give me your real opinion of it?

972. A chimney-sweep having descended a wrong chimney, made his sudden appearance in a room where two men, one named Butler and the other Cook, were enjoying themselves over a pot of beer. How now, cried the former, what news from the other world? The sweep perceiving his mistake, and recollecting the persons, very smartly replied, I came to inform you that we are very much in want of a Butler and Cook.

973. One of the Dover stages, on its way to London, was stopped by a single highwayman, who was informed by the coachman there were no inside passengers, and only one in the basket, and he was a sailor. The robber then proceeded to exercise his employment on the tar; when waking him out of his sleep Jack demanded what he wanted; to which the son of plunder replied, Your money. You shan’t have it, said Jack. No! replied the robber, then I’ll blow your brains out. Blow away then, you land-lubber, cried Jack, squirting the tobacco-juice out of his mouth, I may as well go to London without brains as without money; drive on, coachman.

974. After a loud preface of O yes, pronounced most audibly three times, in the High Street, Newmarket, the late Lord Barrymore, having collected a number of persons together, made the following general proposal to the gapers, Who wants to buy a horse that can walk five miles an hour, trot sixteen, and gallop twenty? I do, said a gentleman, with manifest eagerness. Then, replied Lord Barrymore, If I see any such animal to be sold, I will be sure to let you know.

975. The Duke of Longueville’s reply, when it was observed to him that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: I had much rather, answered the duke, have friends than hares.

976. A gentleman was once praising the style of Swift before Johnson: the doctor did not find himself in the humour to agree with him; the critic was driven from one of his performances to another. At length, you must allow me, said the gentleman, that there are strong facts in the account of the “Four last years of Queen Anne.” Yes, surely, replied Johnson, and so there always are in the Newgate Calendar.

977. Johnson made Goldsmith a comical answer one day, when he was repining at the success of Beattie’s Essay on Truth. Here is such a stir, said he, about a fellow that has written one book, and I have written many. Ah, doctor, said his friend, there go two and forty sixpences, you know, to one guinea.

978. A finished coquette, at a ball, asked a gentleman near her, while she adjusted her tucker, whether he could flirt a fan, which she held in her hand. No, madam, answered he, proceeding to use it, but I can fan a flirt.

979. A notorious thief, being to be tried for his life, confessed the robbery he was charged with. The judge hereupon directed the jury to find him guilty on his own confession. The jury having laid their heads together, brought him in Not guilty. The judge bid them consider of it again; but still they brought in their verdict Not guilty. The judge asked the reason. The foreman replied, There is reason enough, for we all know him to be one of the greatest liars in the world.

980. A notorious culprit, who suffered some years since at Salisbury, and the last of three brothers who had been executed for similar offences, after sentence was passed, said, My lord, I humbly thank you. His lordship, astonished, asked him for what? Because, my lord, I thought I should have been hung in chains, which would have been a disgrace to the family.

981. Dean Jackson, passing one morning through Christchurch quadrangle, met some undergraduates, who walked along without capping. The dean called one of them, and asked, Do you know who I am? No, sir. How long have you been in college? Eight days, sir. Oh, very well, said the dean, walking away, puppies don’t open their eyes till the ninth day.

982. A little lawyer appearing as evidence in one of the courts, was asked by a gigantic counsellor, what profession he was of; and having replied that he was an attorney—You a lawyer! said Brief, why I could put you in my pocket. Very likely you may, rejoined the other, and if you do, you will have more law in your pocket than ever you had in your head.

983. When George Bidder, the calculating phenomenon, was a very little boy, he made the tour of England with his father, displaying everywhere his astonishing power of combining and resolving numbers. Among several very ingenious and difficult questions prepared purposely for him, an ignorant pedagogue asked (without furnishing any data), How many cow’s tails would reach to the moon? The boy, turning upon the inquirer an eye of considerable archness, answered instantly, One, if it were long enough.

984. Mr. Moore having been long under a prosecution in Doctors Commons, his proctor called on him one day whilst he was composing the tragedy of the Gamester. The proctor having sat down, he read him four acts of the piece, being all he had written, by which the man of law was so much affected, that he exclaimed, Good God! can you add to this couple’s distress in the last act? Oh, very easily, said the poet, I intend to put them in the Ecclesiastical Court.

985. Ned Shuter was often very poor, and being still more negligent than poor, was careless about his dress. A friend overtaking him one day in the street, said to him, Why, Ned, are you not ashamed to walk the streets with twenty holes in your stockings? why don’t you get them mended? No, my friend, said Ned, I am above it; and if you have the pride of a gentleman, you will act like me, and walk with twenty holes rather than have one darn. How, replied the other, how do you make that out? Why, replied Ned, a hole is the accident of the day; but a darn is premeditated poverty.

986. The witty Lord Ross, having spent all his money in London, set out for Ireland, in order to recruit his purse. On his way, he happened to meet with Sir Murrough O’Brien, driving towards Dublin in a lofty phaeton with six prime dun-coloured horses. Sir Murrough, exclaimed his lordship, what a contrast there is between you and me! you are driving your duns before you, but my duns are driving me before them.

987. The high-bailiff of Birmingham, attended by some officers of the town, goes round on a market-day to examine the weight of the butter, and they seize all which is found short of sixteen ounces. A countryman, who generally stood in a particular place, having on a former market-day lost two pounds of butter, was seen, the next time they came round, to laugh heartily, while the officers were taking a considerable quantity from a woman who stood near him. One of the officers, not pleased with the fellow’s want of decorum, particularly in the presence of men vested with such high authority, said, What do you mean by laughing, fellow? I took two pounds from you last week. I’ll lay you a guinea of it, said the countryman. Done, replied the officer; and immediately put a guinea into the hands of a respectable tradesman, who was standing at his own door. The countryman instantly covered it; and then, with a triumphant grin, said, Well done, thickhead, if it had been two pounds would you have taken it from me? Was it not for being short of weight that I lost it? The umpire without hesitation decided it in his favour, to the great mortification of the humble administrator of justice.

988. An Irishman, some years ago, attending the University of Edinburgh, waited upon one of the most celebrated teachers of the German flute, desiring to know on what terms he would give him a few lessons: the flute-player informed him, that he generally charged two guineas for the first month, and one guinea for the second. Then, by my soul, replied the Hibernian, I’ll begin the second month!

989. Foote being at table next to a gentleman who had helped himself to a very large piece of bread; he took it up and cut a piece off. Sir, said the gentleman, that is my bread. I beg a thousand pardons, sir, said Foote, I protest I took it for the loaf.

990. The Marquis della Scalas, an Italian nobleman, having invited the neighbouring gentry to a grand entertainment, where all the delicacies of the season were provided, some of the company arrived very early, for the purpose of paying their respects to his excellency: soon after which, the major-domo, entering the dining-room in a great hurry, told the marquis that there was a fisherman below, who had brought one of the finest fish in all Italy, for which, however, he demanded a most extravagant price. Regard not his price, cried the marquis; pay him the money directly. So I would, please your highness, but he refuses to take any money. What, then, would the fellow have? A hundred strokes of the strappado on his bare shoulders, my lord; he says he will not bate a single blow. On this, the whole company ran down stairs, to see so singular a man. A fine fish! cried the marquis; what is your demand, my friend? Not a quatrini, my lord, answered the fisherman; I will not take money: if your lordship wishes to have the fish, you must order me a hundred lashes of the strappado on my naked back; otherwise I shall apply elsewhere. Rather than lose the fish, said the marquis, we must e’en let this fellow have his humour. Here! cried he to one of his grooms, discharge this honest man’s demands: but don’t lay on too hard; don’t hurt the poor devil very much! The fisherman then stripped, and the groom prepared to execute his lordship’s orders. Now, my friend, said the fisherman, keep an exact account, I beseech you; for I don’t desire a single stroke more than my due. The whole company were astonished at the amazing fortitude with which the man submitted to the operation, till he had received the fiftieth lash; when, addressing himself to the servant, Hold, my friend, cried the fisherman; I have now had my full share of the price. Your share? exclaimed the marquis; what is the meaning of all this? My lord, returned the fisherman, I have a partner, to whom my honour is engaged, that he shall have his full half of whatever I receive for the fish; and your lordship, I dare venture to say, will by and by own that it would be a thousand pities to defraud him of a single stroke. And pray, honest friend, said the marquis, who is this partner? Your porter, my lord, answered the fisherman, who keeps the outer gate of the palace, and refused to admit me, unless I would promise him half what I should obtain for the fish. Ho! ho! exclaimed the marquis, laughing very heartily, by the blessing of heaven, he shall have double his demand in full! The porter was accordingly sent for; and being stripped to the skin, two grooms were directed to lay on with all their might till he had fairly received what he was so well entitled to. The marquis then ordered his steward to pay the fisherman twenty sequins; desiring him to call annually for the like sum, as a recompense for the friendly service he had rendered him.

991. Mr. Pope being one night crossing the street from Button’s coffee-house, when the moon occasionally peeped through a cloud, was accosted by a link-boy with, Light, your honour! light, your honour! He repeatedly exclaimed, I do not want you. But the lad still following him, he peevishly cried out, Get about your business: God mend me! I will not give you a farthing; it’s light enough. It’s light enough, echoed the lad, what’s light enough? your head or your pocket? God mend you, indeed! it would be easier to make two men, than mend one such as you.

992. A fellow, walking down Holborn Hill on a sultry summer evening, observed an old gentleman, without his hat, panting and leaning upon a post, and courteously asked him what was the matter? Sir, said the old man, an impudent puppy has just snatched my hat off, and run away with it: I have run after him until I have quite lost my breath, and cannot, if my life depended on it, go a step farther. What, not a step? said the fellow. Not a step, returned he. Why then, by Jupiter, I must have your wig; and snatching off his fine flowing caxon, the thief was out of sight in a minute.

993. Two tars, just landed, went to see an old acquaintance, who kept what they humorously called a grog-shop, in a village near Portsmouth, the sign of the Angel. On their entering the place, they stared about for the wished-for sign. There it is! said one. Why, you fool, replied the other, that’s a peacock. Who do you call fool? retorted Ben; how the devil should I know the difference, when I never saw an angel in my life?

994. The late Colonel O’Kelly, well known to all the lovers of the turf, having, at a Newmarket meeting, proposed a considerable wager to a gentleman who, it seems, had no knowledge of him; the stranger, suspecting the challenge came from one of the black-legged fraternity, begged to know what security he would give for so large a sum if he should lose, and where his estates lay. O! the dear craters, I have the map of them about me, and here it is, sure enough, said O’Kelly, pulling out a pocket-book, and giving unequivocal proofs of his property, by producing bank-notes to a considerable amount.

995. After a successful attack on the royal party in 1745, a Higlander gained a watch as his share of the plunder. Unacquainted with its use, he listened with equal surprise and pleasure to the ticking sound with which his new acquisition amused him; after a few hours, however, the watch was down, the noise ceased, and the dispirited owner, looking on the toy no longer with satisfaction, determined to conceal the misfortune which had befallen it, and to dispose of it to the first person who should offer him a trifle in exchange. He soon met with a customer, but at parting he could not help exclaiming, Why, she died last night.

996. When Mr. Penn, the proprietor of Pennsylvania, and the most considerable man among the Quakers, went to court to pay his respects to Charles II., that merry monarch, observing the Quaker not to lower his beaver, took off his own hat, and stood uncovered before Penn, who said, Prithee, friend Charles, put on thy hat. No, friend Penn, said the king, it is usual for only one man to stand covered here.

997. A person had been relating many incredible stories when Professor Engel, who was present, in order to repress his impertinence, said, But, gentlemen, all this amounts to but very little, when I can assure you that the celebrated organist, Abbé Vogler, once imitated a thunder-storm so well, that for miles round all the milk turned sour.

998. The late Bishop of Worcester, Dr. Hough, was remarkable for sweetness of temper, as well as every other christian virtue; of which the following story affords a proof:—A young gentleman, whose family had been well acquainted with the bishop, in making the tour of England before he went abroad, called to pay his respects to his lordship as he passed by his seat in the country. It happened to be at dinner time, and the room full of company. The bishop, however, received him with much familiarity; but the servant in reaching him a chair, threw down a curious weather-glass that had cost twenty guineas, and broke it. The gentleman was under infinite concern, and began to make an apology for being himself the occasion of the accident, when the bishop with great good nature interrupted him. Be under no concern, sir, said his lordship, smiling, for I am much beholden to you for it: we have had a very dry season; and now I hope we shall have rain, as I never saw the glass so low in my life. Every one was pleased with the humour and pleasantry of the turn.

999. Dr. Johnson was observed by a musical friend of his to be extremely inattentive at a concert, whilst a celebrated solo player was running up the divisions and subdivisions of notes upon his violin. His friend, to induce him to take greater notice of what was going on, told him how extremely difficult it was. Difficult, is it, sir! replied the doctor; I wish it were impossible.

1000. An American general was once in company where there were some few Scotch. After supper, when the wine was served up, the general rose and addressed the company in the following words:—Gentlemen, I must inform you, that when I get a little groggish, I have an absurd custom of railing against the Scotch; I hope no gentleman in company will take it amiss. With this he sat down. Up started M——, a Scotch officer, and without seeming the least displeased, said, Gentlemen, I, when I am a little groggish, and hear any person railing against the Scotch, have an absurd custom of kicking him out of the company; I hope no gentleman will take it amiss. It is hardly necessary to add, that, that night, he had no occasion to exert his talents.

1001. The father of a late Lord Hardwicke was hanged for forgery. When Lord H. sat as chancellor, an old countryman was examined as to a particular fact, the exact date of which he could not recollect. All that I remember about it, said he, is, that it happened on the day old Yorke was hanged.

1002. A theatrical lady, celebrated for everything but continence, at length resolved to marry and reform. Her conduct was duly canvassed in the dressing-rooms of the theatres. I am told, cried one, that she confessed to her liege lord all her amours. What a proof of courage! exclaimed one lady. What an extraordinary instance of candour! said another. What an amazing instance of memory! cried a third.

1003. Elliston had many friends and some relations in the church. Visiting one of the latter, who had some occasion to call upon his clerk, who was also the town crier, Elliston accompanied his friend; the crier was from home, and whilst the reverend gentleman explained to the man’s wife the nature of his visit, Elliston looked over two or three things that had been left to be cried that evening, amongst others, one was of a dog lost, who, amid his peculiar spots and blemishes, had “sore eyes;” Elliston always alive for a joke, altered the word sore to four. The crier came home, took up the several notices and commenced his round, enunciating in sonorous tones, Lost a black and tan coloured terrier, and answers to the name of Carlo; has two black legs and four eyes. You vagabond, cried the traveller to whom the dog belonged, how do you think I shall ever get my dog, if you describe it in that way? The crier maintained that it was according to the original, and, upon examination, it was evident the paper had been tampered with. Home went the crier, boiling with indignation; his wife had informed him of the call of his reverend employer, but had said nothing about his companion, and therefore no doubt remained on the clerk’s mind, that his reverend master himself had played the trick. He awaited patiently until Sunday for his revenge, and before he took his seat in the clerk’s pew, removed the book of St. John from the New Testament. The clergyman gave out the lesson, as the 2nd chapter of St. John, (the clerk had previously known it was to be selected from thence,) and then began to look in vain for the book in question; at last he whispered to the clerk, What has become of St. John? He can’t come, was the reply, he has got sore eyes.

1004. Dr. Carpue always gave it as his opinion, that Mathews, the comedian, had experienced improper treatment at the time of his accident, and that had he been in judicious hands, he would not have been lame. Some one speaking upon this subject to R—, said, I understand Mathews means to leave his broken leg to Carpue when he dies. The devil he does! said R—; well, for my part, I should be sorry to have such a leg-as-he (legacy).

1005. The Bishop of Ermeland lost a great portion of his revenues, in consequence of the occupation of part of Poland by the King of Prussia. Soon after this event, in the year 1773, he waited on his majesty at Potsdam; when the king asked him, if he could, after what had happened, still have any friendship for him? Sire! said the prelate, I shall never forget my duty, as a good subject, to my sovereign. I am, replied the king, still your very good friend, and likewise presume much on your friendship towards me; for, should St. Peter refuse my entrance into Paradise, I hope you will have the goodness to hide me under your mantle, and take me in along with you. Sire! returned the bishop, that will, I fear, scarcely be possible: your majesty has cut it too short to admit of my carrying any contraband goods beneath it.

1006. A gentle sprinkle of rain happening, a plough-boy left his work and went home; but his master seeing him there, told him that he should not have left his work for so trifling an affair, and begged for the future he would stay until it rained downright. A day or two afterwards proving a very rainy day, the boy stayed till dusk, and being almost drowned, his master asked him why he did not come home before? Why I should, said the boy, but you zed I shou’dn’t come home vore it rained downright; and it has not rained downright yet, for it was aslaunt all day long.

1007. A lady desired her butler to be saving of an excellent tun of small beer, and asked him how it might best be preserved. I know of no method so effectual, my lady, said the butler, as placing a barrel of good ale by it.

1008. A humorous fellow being subpœnaed as a witness on a trial for an assault, one of the counsel, who had been notorious for brow-beating witnesses, asked him what distance he was from the parties when the assault happened; he answered, Just four feet five inches and a half. How come you to be so very exact, fellow? said the counsel. Because I expected some fool or other would ask me, said he, and so I measured it.

1009. Francis I. of France, being told the people made very free with his character in their songs, answered, It would be hard indeed not to allow them a song for their money.

1010. An honest Hibernian, whose bank-pocket (to use his own phrase) had stopped payment, was forced to the sad necessity of perambulating the streets of Edinburgh two nights together for want of a few pence to pay his lodgings, when accidentally hearing a person talk of the Lying-in Hospital, he exclaimed, That’s the place for me! Where is it, honey? for I’ve been lying out these two nights past.

1011. A painter was employed in painting a West India ship in the river, suspended on a stage under the ship’s stern. The captain, who had just got into the boat alongside, for the purpose of going ashore, ordered the boy to let go the painter (the rope which makes fast the boat): the boy instantly went aft, and let go the rope by which the painter’s stage was held. The captain, surprised at the boy’s delay, cried out, Heigh-ho, there, you lazy lubber, why don’t you let go the painter? The boy replied, He’s gone, sir, pots and all.

1012. A young man, boasting of his health and constitutional stamina, in the hearing of Wewitzer, the player, was asked to what he chiefly attributed so great a happiness. To what, sir? to laying in a good foundation, to be sure. I make a point, sir, to eat a great deal every morning. Then I presume, sir, remarked Wewitzer, you usually breakfast in a timber-yard.

1013. A captain in the navy, meeting a friend as he landed at Portsmouth, boasted that he had left his whole ship’s company the happiest fellows in the world. How so? asked his friend. Why I have just flogged seventeen, and they are happy it is over; and all the rest are happy that they have escaped.

1014. A witness was called upon to testify concerning the reputation of another witness for veracity. Why, said he, I hardly know what to tell you: M—— sometimes jests and jokes, and then I don’t believe him; but when he undertakes to tell anything for a fact, I believe him as much as I do the rest of my neighbours.

1015. An Irish journal announced the accouchement of her grace the Duke of Dorset. Next day it was thus corrected: For “her grace the Duke of Dorset,” read “his grace the Duchess of Dorset.”

1016. One evening, Tom Sheridan, after sitting with his father over a bottle, was complaining of the emptiness of his pocket. The right honourable manager told him jocularly, to go on the highway. I have tried that already, said he, but without success. Ah! how? replied the father. Why, resumed he, I stopped a caravan full of passengers, who assured me they had not a farthing, as they all belonged to Drury Lane Theatre, and could not get a penny of their salary.

1017. A man meeting his friend, said, I spoke to you last night in a dream. Pardon me, replied the other, I did not hear you.

1018. An eccentric barber, some years ago, opened a shop under the walls of the King’s Bench prison. The windows being broken when he opened the house he mended them with paper, on which appeared—'Shave for a penny,’ with the usual invitation to customers; and over the door was scrawled these lines:

Foote (who loved anything eccentric) saw these inscriptions, and hoping to extract some wit from the author, whom he justly concluded to be an odd character, pulled off his hat, and thrusting his head through one of the paper panes into the shop, called out, Is Jemmy Wright at home? The barber immediately forced his own head through another pane into the street, and replied, No, sir, he has just popped out. Foote laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea.

1019. A fellow had to cross a river, and entered the boat on horseback; being asked the cause, he replied, I must ride, because I am in a hurry.

1020. Pray, Mr. Abernethy, what is the cure for gout? asked an indolent and luxurious citizen. Live upon sixpence a day, and earn it! was the pithy answer.

1021. Dr. Boldero, of Jesus College, had been treated with great severity by the protectorate for his attachment to the royal cause, as was also Herring, at that time Bishop of Ely, and in whose gift the mastership of Jesus College is vested. On a vacancy of the mastership occurring, Boldero, without any pretensions to the appointment, presented a petition to the bishop. Who are you? said his lordship, I know nothing of you? I never heard of you before! My lord, replied Boldero, I have suffered long and severely for my attachment to my royal master, as well as your lordship, and I believe your lordship and I have been in all the gaols in England. What does the fellow mean! exclaimed the bishop; Man! I never was confined in any prison but the Tower! And, my lord, said Boldero, I have been in all the rest myself! The bishop’s heart was melted at this reply, and he granted Boldero’s petition.

1022. The witty and licentious Earl of Rochester meeting with the great Isaac Barrow in the park, told his companions that he would have some fun with the rusty old put. Accordingly, he went up with great gravity, and, taking off his hat, made the doctor a profound bow, saying, Doctor, I am yours to my shoe-tie. The doctor, seeing his drift, immediately pulled off his beaver, and returned the bow, with My lord, I am yours to the ground. Rochester followed up his salutation by a deeper bow, saying, Doctor, I am yours to the centre. Barrow, with a lowly obeisance, replied, My lord, I am yours to the Antipodes. His lordship, nearly gravelled, exclaimed, Doctor, I am yours to the lowest pit of hell. There, my lord, said Barrow, sarcastically, I leave you; and walked off.

1023. The following anecdote is related of the great Duke of Marlborough. The duchess was pressing the duke to take a medicine; and, with her usual warmth, said, I’ll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable. Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, Do take it then, my lord duke; for it must be of service, in one way or the other.

1024. Cardinal de Bernis, when only an Abbé, solicited Cardinal Fleury, then fourscore, for some preferment. Fleury told him fairly, he should never have anything in his time. Bernis replied, Monseigneur, j’attendrai [My lord, I shall wait].

1025. Mr. Suckling, a clergyman of Norfolk, having a quarrel with a neighbouring gentleman, who insulted him, and at last told him, his gown was his protection. The doctor replied, It may be mine, but it shall not be yours; and pulling it off, thrashed the aggressor.

1026. In some parish churches it was the custom to separate the men from the women. A clergyman, being interrupted by loud talking, stopped short, when a woman, eager for the honour of the sex, arose and said, Your reverence, it is not among us. So much the better, answered the priest; it will be over the sooner.

1027. The evening before a battle, an officer came to ask Marshal Toiras for permission to go and see his father, who was at the point of death. Go, said the general, who saw through the pretext; thou shalt honour thy father and thy mother, that thy days may be long upon the earth.

1028. A French gentleman, being married a second time, was often lamenting his first wife before his second, who one day, said to him, Monsieur, je vous assure qu’il n’y a personne qui la regrette plus que moi [I assure you, sir, no one regrets her more than I do].

1029. A methodist in America, bragging how well he had instructed some Indians in religion, called up one of them, and, after some questions, asked him if he had not found great comfort last Sunday, after receiving the sacrament. Ay, master, replied the savage, but I wished it had been brandy.

1030. Towards the close of the reign of George the Second, the beautiful Countess of Coventry talking to his majesty about shows, and thinking only of the figure she herself would make in a procession, told him, the sight she wished most to see was a coronation.

1031. William, Duke of Cumberland, gave promises of talents that were never accomplished. One day he had given some offence to his royal mother, and was remanded to the confinement of his chamber. After what the queen thought a sufficient duration of his punishment, she sent for him. He returned in a very sullen humour. What have you been doing? said the queen. Reading. What book? The New Testament. Very well: what part? Where it is said, Woman, why troublest thou me?

1032. A vicar and curate of a village, where there was to be a burial, were at variance. The vicar not coming in time, the curate began the service, and was reading the words, “I am the resurrection,” when the vicar arrived, almost out of breath, and, snatching the book out of the curate’s hands, with great scorn, cried, You the resurrection! “I am the resurrection”—and then went on.

1033. A French officer being just arrived at the court of Vienna, and the empress hearing that he had the day before been in company with a great lady, asked him if it were true that she was the most handsome princess of her time? The officer answered, with great gallantry, Madam, I thought so yesterday.

1034. The spretæ injuria formæ is the greatest with a woman. A man of rank, hearing that two of his female relations had quarrelled, asked, Did they call each other ugly? No. Well, well; I shall soon reconcile them.

1035. Wit, or even what the French term esprit, seems little compatible with feeling. Fontenelle was a great egotist, and thought of nothing but himself. One of his old acquaintances went one day to see him at his country house, and said he had come to eat a bit of dinner. What shall we have? Do you like asparagus? said Fontenelle. If you please; but with oil. Oil! I prefer them with sauce. But sauce disagrees with me, replied the guest. Well, well, we will have them with oil. Fontenelle then went out to give his orders; but on his return, found his poor acquaintance dead of an apoplexy. Running to the head of the stairs, he called out, Cook! dress the ’sparagus with sauce.

1036. An ignorant soldier at Quebec, observing some of his comrades stay behind him at church, asked them, on their coming out, what was the reason? They told him, jeeringly, that the parson had treated them with some wine. No other liquor? said the fellow. Seeing he swallowed the bait, they answered, that he might have what liquor he chose. Next Sunday he stayed to have his share; and when the clergyman offered him the wine, he put up his hand to his head, in token of salutation, and said modestly, Please your reverence, I should prefer punch.

1037. A French peer, a man of wit, was making his testament: he had remembered all his domestics, except his steward; I shall leave him nothing, said he, because he has served me these twenty years.

1038. A president of the parliament of Paris asked Langlois, the advocate, why he so often burdened himself with bad causes? My lord, answered the advocate, I have lost so many good ones, that I am puzzled which to take.

1039. Mr. Pitt’s plan, when he had the gout, was to have no fire in his room, but to load himself with bed-clothes. At his house at Hayes he slept in a long room, at one end of which was his bed, and his lady’s at the other. His way was, when he thought the Duke of Newcastle had fallen into any mistake, to send for him, and read him a lecture. The duke was sent for once, and came, when Mr. Pitt was confined to bed by the gout. There was, as usual, no fire in the room; the day was very chilly, and the duke, as usual, afraid of catching cold. The duke first sat down on Mrs. Pitt’s bed as the warmest place; then drew up his legs into it, as he got colder. The lecture unluckily continuing a considerable time, the duke at length fairly lodged himself under Mrs. Pitt’s bed-clothes. A person, (who related the story to Horace Walpole,) suddenly going in, saw the two ministers in bed, at the two ends of the room; while Pitt’s long nose, and black beard unshaved for some days, added to the grotesqueness of the scene.

1040. The Duke of Orleans, the regent, had four daughters, distinguished by the names of the Four Cardinal Sins. A wag wrote on their mother’s tomb, Cy gist l’Oisiveté, [Here lies Idleness,] which, you know, is termed the mother of all the vices.

1041. Sir T. Robinson was a tall, uncouth man, and his stature was often rendered still more remarkable by his hunting dress, and postillion’s cap, a tight green jacket, and buckskin breeches. He was liable to sudden whims; and once set off on a sudden, in his hunting suit, to visit his sister, who was married and settled at Paris.—He arrived while there was a large company at dinner. The servant announced M. Robinson, and he came in, to the great amazement of the guests. Among others, a French abbé thrice lifted his fork to his mouth, and thrice laid it down, with an eager stare of surprise. Unable to restrain his curiosity any longer, he burst out with, Excuse me, sir, are you the famous Robinson Crusoe so remarkable in history?

1042. General Sutton, brother of Sir Robert Sutton, was very passionate: Sir Robert Walpole the reverse. Sutton being one day with Sir Robert, while his valet de chambre was shaving him, Sir Robert said, John, you cut me;—and then went on with the conversation. Presently, he said again, John, you cut me—and a third time—when Sutton starting up in a rage, and doubling his fist at the servant, swore a great oath, and said, If Sir Robert can bear it, I cannot, and if you cut him once more, I’ll knock you down.

1043. We read more of pearls than of diamonds in ancient authors. The ancients had not skill enough to make the most of diamonds; and the art of engraving on them is not older than the sixteenth century. The most remarkable of modern pearls is that in the Spanish treasury, called The Pilgrim. It was in the possession of a merchant, who had paid for it 100,000 crowns. When he went to offer it for sale to Philip IV. the king said, How could you venture to give so much for a pearl? The merchant replied, I knew there was a king of Spain in the world. Philip, pleased with the flattery, ordered him his own price.

1044. Mr. Pennant, the ingenious and pleasing historian, had many peculiarities and eccentricities in his private character, among the latter may be classed his singular antipathy to a wig—which, however, he can suppress, till reason yields a little to wine. But when this is the case, off goes the wig next to him, and into the fire!—Dining once at Chester with an officer who wore a wig, Mr. Pennant became half seas over; and another friend that was in company carefully placed himself between Pennant and wig, to prevent mischief. After much patience, and many a wistful look, Pennant started up, seized the wig, and threw it into the fire. It was in flames in a moment, and so was the officer, who ran to his sword. Down stairs ran Pennant, and the officer after him, through all the streets of Chester. But Pennant escaped, from superior local knowledge. A wag called this “Pennant’s Tour in Chester.”

1045. The harengères, or fish-women at Paris, form a sort of body-corporate. In the time of Louis XIV. the Dauphin having recovered from a long illness, the fish-women deputed four of their troop to offer their congratulations. After some difficulties, the ladies were admitted by the king’s special command, and conducted to the dauphin’s apartment. One of them began a sort of harangue, What would have become of us if our dear dauphin had died? We should have lost our all. The king meanwhile had entered behind, and being extremely jealous of his power and glory, frowned at this ill-judged compliment; when another of the deputation, with a ready wit, regained his good graces, by adding, True; we should have lost our all—for our good king could never have survived his son, and would doubtless have died of grief. The naïf policy of this unexpected turn was much admired.

1046. Lord William Poulet, though often chairman of committees of the House of Commons, was a great dunce, and could scarce read. Being to read a bill for naturalizing Jemima, Duchess of Kent, he called her, Jeremiah, Duchess of Kent. Having heard south walls commended for ripening fruit, he showed all the four sides of his garden for south walls.

1047. Queen Caroline spoke of shutting up St. James’s Park, and converting it into a noble garden for the palace of that name. She asked Sir Robert Walpole what it might probably cost? who replied, Only three crowns.

1048. Cardinal Dubois offered an abbey to a bishop, who refused it, because, he said, he could not reconcile to his conscience the possession of two benefices. The cardinal, in great surprise, said, You should be canonized. I wish, my lord, answered the bishop, that I deserved it; and that you had the power. A delicate reproach of his ambition.

1049. A low Frenchman bragged that the king had spoken to him. Being asked what his majesty had said, he replied, He bade me stand out of his way.

1050. I prefer the quarto size to the octavo: a quarto lies free and open before one. It is surprising how long the world was pestered with unwieldy folios. A Frenchman was asked if he liked books in folio [in the leaf]. No, says he, I like books in fructu [in the fruit].

1051. Lady Sandon was bribed with a pair of diamond earrings, and procured the donor a good place at court. Though the matter was notoriously known, she was so imprudent as to wear them constantly in public. This being blamed in company, Lady Wortley Montague, like Mrs. Candour, undertook Lady Sandon’s defence. And pray, said she, where is the harm? I, for my part, think Lady Sandon acts wisely—for does not the bush show where the wine is sold?

1052. A Jew and a Christian, both Italians, united their endeavours in a snuff-shop. On Saturday, the sabbath, the Jew did not appear; but on Sunday he supplied the place of the Christian. Some scruples were started to the Jew, but he only answered, Trovata la legge, trovato l’inganno, [When laws were invented, tricks were invented.]

1053. After the French revolution, Lord Orford was particularly delighted with the story of the Tigre National. A man who showed wild beasts in Paris, had a tiger from Bengal, of the largest species, commonly called the Royal Tiger. But when royalty, and everything royal, was abolished, he was afraid of a charge of incivism; and, instead of Tigre Royal, put on his sign-board, Tigre National.

1054. An attorney in France having bought a charge of bailiff for his son, advised him never to work in vain, but to raise contributions on those who wanted his assistance. What, father! said the son in surprise, would you have me sell justice? Why not? answered the father: is so scarce an article to be given for nothing?

1055. A father wished to dissuade his daughter from any thoughts of matrimony. She who marries does well, said he; but she who does not marry does better. Father, answered the girl meekly, I am content with doing well; let her do better who can.

1056. A gentleman, travelling on a journey, having a light guinea which he could not pass, gave it to his Irish servant, and desired him to pass it upon the road. At night he asked him if he had passed the guinea. Yes, sir, replied Teague, but I was forced to be very sly; the people refused it at breakfast and at dinner; so, at a turnpike, where I had fourpence to pay, I whipped it in between two halfpence, and the man put it into his pocket, and never saw it.

1057. A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, they were generally stupid and dull when they advanced in years, and vice versâ. What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been! returned the child.

1058. At an examination for the degree of B.A. in the Senate House, Cambridge, under an examiner whose name was Payne, one of the moral questions was, Give a definition of happiness. To which one of the candidates returned the following laconic answer, An exemption from Payne.

1059. A student of St. John’s College, who was remarkable for his larks and eccentricities, during the time he was dining in hall, called to a bon vivant, at another table, to say, that he had got a fine fox in his rooms, for him. This being overheard by the marker, who was a kind of mongrel fetch-and-carry to a certain dean, and who understood the student in a literal sense, he informed the dean of the circumstance. The student was very soon summoned before the master and seniors, for what he knew not; however, on entering, he was informed, they had learned he kept a fox in his rooms, a thing not to be tolerated by the college. It is very true, replied the accused; I have a bust of Charles James Fox, at your service.

1060. When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day, the doctor coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription? No, truly, doctor, replied Nash, if I had I should have broken my neck, for I threw it out of a two pair of stairs window.

1061. The son of a fond father, when going to war, promised to bring home the head of one of the enemy. His parent replied, I should be glad to see you come home without a head, provided you come safe.

1062. Dr. Cheyne, of Bath, and a Mr. Santly, were deemed the two fattest men in Somersetshire. When they were once sitting together after dinner, Cheyne asked the other what made him look so melancholy? Faith, replied he, I was thinking how it will be possible for the people to get either you or me to the grave after we die. Why, as to me, replied Cheyne, six or eight stout fellows will do the business, but you must be taken at twice.

1063. A spark being brought before a magistrate, on a charge of horse-stealing, the justice, the moment he saw him, exclaimed, I see a villain in your countenance. It is the first time, said the prisoner, very coolly, that I knew my countenance was a looking-glass.

1064. A jockey lord met his old college tutor at a great horse fair. Ah! doctor, exclaimed his lordship, what brings you here, among these high bred cattle? Do you think you can distinguish a horse from an ass? My lord, replied the tutor, I soon perceived you among these horses.

1065. A French officer was speaking at a table-d’hote of his first impressions on seeing English soldiers, and attempted to ridicule them, by saying, that they had faces as round as Cheshire cheeses. An English officer replied, Monsieur, you are very polite; and allow me to say, that if your soldiers had shown us a little more of their faces, and less of their backs, I should be very happy to return you the compliment.

1066. The late Right Hon. Charles James Fox, in the course of a speech he made in the House of Commons, when enlarging on the influence exercised by government over the members, observed, that it was generally understood that the minister employed a person as manager of the House of Commons; here there was a general cry of Name him! name him! No, said Mr. Fox, I don’t choose to name him, though I might do it as easy as say Jack Robinson. This was really his name.

1067. A traveller relating some of his adventures, told the company, that he and his servant made fifty wild Arabians run; which exciting surprise, he observed there was no such great matter in it; for, said he, we ran, and they ran after us.

1068. A certain young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of the whole company, How it happened that the patriarchs lived to such extreme old age? To which question he immediately replied, Perhaps they took no physic.

1069. Two English gentlemen, some time ago, visited the field of Bannockburn, so celebrated for the total defeat of the English army, by Robert Bruce, with an army of Scottish heroes, not one fourth their number. A sensible countryman pointed out the positions of both armies, the stone where the Bruce’s standard was fixed during the battle, &c. Highly satisfied with his attention, the gentleman, on leaving him, pressed his acceptance of a crown-piece. Na, na, said the honest man, returning the money, keep your crown-piece; the English hae paid dear enough already for seeing the field of Bannockburn.

1070. Soon after Dr. Johnson’s return from Scotland to London, a Scottish lady, at whose house he was, as a compliment, ordered some hotch-potch for his dinner. After the doctor had tasted it, she asked him if it was good? To which he replied, Very good for hogs! Then, pray, said the lady, let me help you to a little more.

1071. A noble lord a short time ago applied to a pawn-broker to lend him 1000 guineas on his wife’s jewels, for which he had paid 4000. Take the articles to pieces, said his lordship, number the stones, and put false ones in their place, my lady will not distinguish them. You are too late, my lord, said the pawnbroker; your lady has stolen a march upon you; these stones are false, I bought the diamonds of her ladyship a twelvemonth ago.

1072. A common councilman’s lady paying her daughter a visit at school, and inquiring what progress she had made in her education, the schoolmistress answered, Pretty good, madam, miss is very attentive: if she wants anything it is a capacity; but for that deficiency, you know we must not blame her. No, madam, replied the mother; but I blame you for not having mentioned it before. Her father, thank goodness, can afford his daughter anything, and I desire that a capacity may be bought immediately, cost what it may.