JOE MILLER’S JESTS. (continued 3)

435. A gentleman having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to call him the king of fools. I wish, said the fellow one day, you could make your words good, I should then be the greatest monarch in the world.

436. A lawyer being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to fools and madmen; being asked the reason for so doing: From such, said he, I had it, and to such I give it again.

437. A thief being brought to Tyburn to be executed, the ordinary of Newgate, in taking his last confession, asked him if he was not sorry for having committed the robbery for which he was going to suffer? The criminal answered, Yes, but that he was more sorry for not having stolen enough to bribe the jury.

438. A certain poor unfortunate gentleman was so often pulled by the sleeve by the bailiffs, that he was in continual apprehension of them; and going one day through Tavistock Street, his coat sleeve happened to hitch upon the iron spike of one of the rails; whereupon he immediately turned about in a great surprise, and cried out, At whose suit, sir? at whose suit?

439. A soldier in the late wars, a little before an engagement, found a horse-shoe, and stuck it in his girdle; shortly after, in the heat of the action, a bullet came and hit him upon that part. Well, said he, I find a little armour will serve a turn, if it be put in the right place.

440. The late famous Arthur Moor, who was much in favor with the Tory ministry, in the latter part of Queen Anne’s reign, had a lady who was reckoned a woman of great wit and humour, but of political principles quite opposite to those of her husband. After the death of the Queen, when it was talked of as if the late ministers would have been called to account, my Lord B—ke meeting Mrs. Moor one day, in a visit, Well, madam, said he, you hear how terribly we are threatened; you’ll come, I hope, and see me, when I go to Tower Hill? Upon my word, my lord, said she, I should be extremely glad to do it: but I believe I shall be engaged another way, for I am told my Snub (the name by which she always called her husband) will be obliged to go the same day to Tyburn.

441. The same lady, coming home one evening, told her husband she wished him joy, for she heard he was to be made a lord. (This was before the death of Queen Anne.) And pray, said he, what did they say was to be my title? My Lord Tariff, replied she, which was a sneer upon him, for having been engaged in settling a tariff of trade which he was thought well skilled in. And why don’t you, when you hear any one abuse your husband, spit in their face? said he. No, I thank you, answered the lady, I don’t intend to spit myself into a consumption.

442. The late Sir John Tash was a famous wine-merchant, and sold great quantities of that liquor, but was supposed to make it chiefly without much of the juice of the grape; therefore Alderman Parsons meeting him one day, saluted him by the name of brother brewer. I deal in wine, Mr. Alderman, said Sir John, and am no brewer. But I know you are, replied the other, and can brew more by an inch of candle, than I can with a caldron of coals.

443. A late archbishop having promised one of his chaplains, who was a favourite, the first good living in his gift, that he should like, and think worthy his acceptance; soon after hearing of the death of an old rector, whose parsonage was worth about 300l. a year, sent his chaplain to the place to see how he liked it; the doctor, when he came back again, thanked his grace for the offer he had made him, but said, he had met with such an account of the country, and the neighbourhood, as was not at all agreeable to him, and therefore should be glad, if his grace pleased, to wait till something else fell. Another vacancy not long after happening, the archbishop sent him also to view that; but he returned as before, not satisfied with it, which did not much please his grace. A third living, much better than either of the others becoming vacant, as he was told, the chaplain was sent to take a view of that; and when he came back, Well, now, said my lord, how do you like this last living? what objection can you have to this? I like the country very well, my Lord, answered he, and the house, the income, and the neighbourhood, but—— But! replied the archbishop, what but can there be then? But, my lord, said he, I found the old incumbent smoking his pipe at the gate of his house.

444. Two city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer’s wife, and the other a cheesemonger’s (who perhaps stood more upon the punctilio of precedence than some of their betters would have done at the court end of the town) when they had risen up and taken their leaves, the cheesemonger’s wife was going out of the room first, upon which the grocer’s lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping before her, No, madam, said she, nothing comes after cheese.

445. Old Johnson, the player, who was not only a very good actor, but a good judge of painting, and remarkable for making many dry jokes, was shown a picture, done by a very indifferent hand, but much commended, and was asked his opinion of it. Why, truly, said he, the painter is a very good painter, and observes the Lord’s commandments. What do you mean by that, Mr. Johnson? said one who stood by. Why, I think, answered he, that he hath not made to himself the likeness of anything that is in Heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.

446. A certain noble lord in the county of Hants, who had not much applied himself to letters, and was remarkable for his ill-spelling, dining at a neighbouring gentleman’s house, took notice several times, and commended a snuff-box he made use of; when my lord was gone away, the gentleman’s wife said to her husband, My dear, you did not observe how often my lord commended your snuff-box; I dare say he would have been highly pleased if you had made him an offer of it; if I was you I would send it after him. The gentleman took his lady’s advice, and the next morning sent a servant away with a letter, and the snuff-box, as a present to the lord.—The lady judged right, for my lord was mightily delighted with it, and returned a most complaisant letter of thanks for the present, and told the gentleman, in his ill-spelling, that he was greatly obliged to him, and in a few days would send him an elephant, (equivalent he would have written). The gentleman, not at all liking my lord’s proposal, sent his servant with a letter again next day, telling his lordship, that he was very glad the box was so acceptable to him, and thanking him for the honour he designed him, but begged he would not think of sending what he mentioned, for it would not only be attended with an expense, which he could not very well afford, being such a devouring animal, but would bring such numbers of people to see it, that it would make his house a perfect house of call. My lord, a little while after, meeting the gentleman, told him, he was surprised at his letter, and could not imagine what he meant by it. The elephant, said he, that your lordship spoke of sending me. Elephant! said the learned lord, how could a man of your understanding make such a mistake? I said I would send you an equivalent. I beg your lordship’s pardon, returned the gentleman, and am ashamed of being such a dunce that I could not read your lordship’s letter.

447. Young Griffith Lloyd, of the county of Cardigan, being sent to Jesus College, Oxford, where he was looked upon as an errant dunce, wore a calf-skin waistcoat, tanned with the hair on, and trimmed with a broad gold lace, and gold buttons. One of the Oxonians, an eminent punster, said, that Griffith was like a dull book, bound in calf-skin, and gilt, but very ill-lettered.

448. Old G——, the rich miser of Gloucestershire, going home one day, between Wickivarr and Badminton, the way being greasy, after a shower of rain, his foot slipped, and he fell off a high bank into a wet ditch, where he was almost smothered; a countryman, who knew his character, coming by, he begged him, for God’s sake, to help him. Ay, said the countryman, give me your hand. Give being a word that old G—— had a great aversion to, cried out, I thank you, honest friend, I will lend you my hand with all my heart. I have often heard, said the other, that you would never give anything in your life, so you may lie there; and on he walked.

449. An old woman at the head of a table, said a satirical young one, seems to revive the old Grecian custom of serving up a death’s head with their banquets.

450. The famous Tony Lee, a player in King Charles the Second’s reign, being killed in a tragedy, having a violent cold, could not forbear coughing as he lay dead upon the stage, which occasioned a good deal of laughter and noise in the house; he lifted up his head, and speaking to the audience, said, This makes good what my poor mother used to tell me; for she would often say that I should cough in my grade, because I used to drink in my porridge. This set the house in such good humour, that it produced a thundering peal of applause, and made every one very readily pardon the solecism he had before committed.

451. Tom S—, the organist of St. M—, being reckoned to have a fine finger, drew many people to hear him, whom, he would oftentimes entertain with a voluntary after evening service, and his auditory seeming one day greatly delighted with his performance, after the church was cleared, Adad, sir, said his organ-blower, who was an idiot, I think we did rarely to-day. We, sirrah! said Tom. Ay, we, to be sure, answered the other; what would you have done without me? The next Sunday, Tom sitting down to play, could not make his organ speak, whereupon, calling to the bellows-blower, asked him what he meant? why he did not blow? Shall it be we, then? said the other.

452. A certain French gentleman, having been but a very little while in England, was invited to a friend’s house, where a large bowl of punch was made, a liquor he had never seen before, and which did not at all agree with him; but having forgot the name of it, he asked a person the next day, What dey call a dat liqur in England, which is all de contradiction; where is de brandy to make it strong, and de vater to make it small, de sugar to make it sweet, and de lemons to make it sower. Punch, answered the other, I suppose you mean. Ay, ponche, begar, cried monsieur, it almost ponche my brain out last night.

453. The famous Captain Fitzpatrick, who married ’Squire Western’s niece, and was reckoned an excellent hand at making bulls, was walking one day with two or three ladies, a little way out of West Chester, with his hat under his arm; the wind blowing very hard, one of the ladies said, I wonder, captain, you will be so ceremonious to walk bare-headed in such boisterous weather; pray, sir, put on your hat. Arrah, by my shoul, dear madam, answered the captain, I have been after trying two or three times already, and the wind is so high, that I can’t keep my hat upon my head any longer than ’tis under my arm.

454. The same gentleman being with the aforesaid ladies, in a nobleman’s garden, where there was a large iron roller, told them, he thought it was the biggest iron rolling-stone he had ever seen in his life.

455. A philosopher being blamed by a stander-by, for defending an argument weakly against the Emperor Adrian, replied, What! would you have me contend with a man that commands thirty legions of soldiers?

456. A painter turned physician; upon which change, a friend applauded him, saying, You have done well, for before, your faults could be discovered by the naked eye, but now they are hid.

457. Bishop Latimer preaching at court, said, that it was reported the king was poor, and that they were seeking ways and means to make him rich; but he added, For my part, I think the best way to make the king rich, would be to give him a good post, or office, for all his officers are rich.

458. Zelim, the first of the Ottoman Emperors that shaved his beard, his predecessors having always worn it long, being asked by one of his bashaws, why he altered the custom of his predecessors? answered, Because you bashaws shall not lead me by the beard, as you did them.

459. It being told Antigonus, in order to intimidate him, as he marched to the field of battle, that the enemy would shoot such volleys of arrows, as would intercept the light of the sun. I am glad of it, replied he, for it being very hot, we shall then fight in the shade.

460. A sailor having received ten guineas for turning Roman Catholic, said to the priest who paid him the money, Sir, you ought to give me ten guineas more, because it is so hard to believe transubstantiation.

461. One seeing an affected coxcomb buying books, told him, His bookseller was properly his upholsterer, for he furnished his room rather than his head.

462. An arch wag once said, That tailors were like woodcocks, for they got their sustenance by their long bills.

463. A complaint being made to the court of Spain of a certain Viceroy of Mexico, the Secretary of State, who was his friend, wrote him word, that he was accused at court of having extorted great sums of money from the people under his government; which I hope, said the Secretary, is true, or else you are undone.

464. At a religious meeting a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, I think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way. This had the desired effect—she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing by, blushed to the temples, and said, O, brother, how could you say what was not the fact? Not the fact! replied the old gentleman; if she had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she gets them on.

465. A gentleman in the country having the misfortune to have his wife hang herself on an apple tree, a neighbour of his came to him and begged he would give him a scion of that tree, that he might graft it upon one in his own orchard; for who knows, said he, but it may bear the same fruit!

466. St. Evremond said, in defence of Cardinal Mazarine, when he was reproached with neglecting the good of the kingdom that he might engross the riches of it, Well, let him get all the riches, and then he will think of the good of the kingdom, for it will be all his own.

467. The late Earl of S— kept an Irish footman, who, perhaps, was as expert in making bulls as the most learned of his countrymen. My lord having sent him one day with a present to a certain judge, the judge in return sent my lord half-a-dozen live partridges with a letter; the partridges fluttering in the basket upon Teague’s back, as he was carrying them home, he set down the basket, and opened the lid of it to quiet them, whereupon they all flew away. Oh! the devil burn ye, said he, I am glad you are gone. But when he came home, and my lord had read the letter, Well, Teague, said my lord, I find there are half-a-dozen partridges in the letter. Arrah now, dear sir, said Teague, I am glad you have found them in the letter, for they are all lost out of the basket.

468. The same nobleman going out one day, called Teague to the side of his chariot, and bade him tell Mr. Such-a-one, if he came, that he should be at home at dinner-time. But when my lord was got across the square in which he lived, Teague came puffing after him, and calling to the coachman to stop; upon which my lord, pulling the string, desired to know what Teague wanted; My lord, said he, you bade me tell Mr. Such-a-one, if he came, that you would dine at home; but what must I say if he don’t come?

469. A tailor’s boy being at church, heard it said that a remnant only should be saved. Egad, said the boy, then my master makes plaguy long remnants.

470. The renowned Mr. Wh—n, the famous astronomer, had made a calculation that the world would be at an end in fifteen years, and some time after offered to dispose of an estate; he asked the gentleman who was about it, at the rate of thirty years purchase, upon which the gentleman, in great surprise, demanded how he could ask so many years purchase, when he very well knew the world would be at an end in half the time.

471. Some thievish fellows being at a tavern, they agreed amongst themselves to steal the silver cup that was brought up to them, and when they were going by the bar, You are welcome, gentlemen, kindly welcome, cried the landlord. Ah, said the fellow with the cup to himself, I wish we were well gone too.

472. A waterman belonging to the Tower, being put by one of the players into the upper gallery in Covent Garden playhouse, the fellow, not being very sober, and falling asleep, tumbled into the pit; but having the old proverb on his side, received little or no hurt; and being told by some of his companions that he was now free of the house, he went to Mr. Rich (the then manager) to put in his claim, who very readily allowed it, with this proviso, that he should always go out the same way he had come in.

473. One told another, who did not use to be clothed over often, that his new coat was too short for him; That’s true, answered his friend, but it will be long enough before I get another.

474. A gentleman who was travelling in Italy, saw one day, as he passed along the road near Naples, a man standing up to his chin in a puddle of dirty water; not able to guess at the meaning of it, he cried out to him, What are you catching there, friend? Cold, replied the other, for I have to sing the bass part at the opera to-night. But suppose, said the gentleman, you catch your death. Why, then, said the other, the opera will be damned.

475. In the reign of Queen Anne, when it was said Lord Orford had got a number of peers made at once, to serve a particular turn, being met next day by Lord Wharton,—So, Robin, said he, I find what you lost by tricks you have gained by honours.

476. A young gentleman who had stolen a ward, being in suit for her fortune, before a late lord chancellor, and the counsel insisting much on the equity of decreeing her a fortune for her maintenance, his lordship turned briskly upon him with this sentence, That since the suitor had stolen the flesh, he should get bread to it how he could.

477. A country fellow, who had served several years in the army abroad, when the war was over, coming home to his friends, was received amongst them with great rejoicing, and the miraculous stories related by him were heard with no small pleasure. Well, said the old father, and prythee Jack, what didst thou learn there? Learn, sir, why I learnt to know that when I turned my shirt, the vermin had a day’s march to my skin again.

478. An Irish barrister had a client of his own country who was a sailor, and having been at sea for some time, his wife was married again in his absence, so he was resolved to prosecute her; and coming to advise with the counsellor, told him he must have witnesses to prove that he was alive when his wife married again. Arrah, by my shoul, but that shall be impossible, said the other, for my shipmates are all gone to sea again upon a long voyage, and shan’t return this twelve-month. Oh! then, answered the counsellor, there can be nothing done in it, and what a pity it is that such a brave cause should be lost now, only because you cannot prove yourself to be alive.

479. King Charles the First being prevailed upon by one of his courtiers to knight a very worthless fellow, of mean aspect, when he was going to lay the sword upon his shoulder the new knight drew a little back, and hung down his head as out of countenance; Don’t be ashamed, said the king, ’tis I have most reason to be so.

480. One said Sir John Cutler looked very dismally when night came on, not because it brought darkness with it, but because daylight saved him a candle.

481. A man was reproached by another with barbarity in beating his wife so severely as he often did; Go, you are a fool, and ignorant of the scriptures, said he, else you would know that it was a proof of my love for her, otherwise I would not be at the trouble; but he that the Lord loveth he chastizeth, and so do I.

482. An Irish soldier once returning from battle in the night, marching a little way behind his companion, called out to him, Hollo, Pat, I have catch’d a tartar! Bring him along then! Ay, but he won’t come. Why then come away without him. By Jasus, but he won’t let me!

483. A very harmless Irishman, eating an apple-pie with some quinces in it, Arrah now, dear honey, said he, if a few of these quinces give such a flavour, how would an apple-pie taste made all of quinces?

484. The late duke of Wharton, going through Holborn in a hackney coach, with Phil. F—, saw a fellow drumming before the door of a puppet-show; Now, this is a pretty employment, Phil., said the duke; if you were reduced so low, that you were obliged to be either a highwayman or drummer to a puppet-show, which would you choose? Faith, my lord, answered Phil., I would be the highwayman rather than the other. Ay, replied the duke, that confirms the opinion I always had of you, that you have more pride than honesty.

485. Sir T. P. once in parliament brought in a bill that wanted some amendment, which being not attended to by the house, he frequently repeated that he thirsted to mend his bill. Upon which a worthy member got up, and said, Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since the honourable member thirsts so very much, that he may be allowed to mend his draught. This put the house in such a good humour, that his request was granted.

486. An English gentleman asked Sir Richard Steele, who was an Irishman, What was the reason that his countrymen were so remarkable for blundering and making bulls? Faith, said the knight, I believe there is something in the air of Ireland; and I dare say, if an Englishman was born there he would do the same.

487. A gentleman who was a staunch Whig, disputing with a Jacobite, said, he had two good reasons for being against the interest of the pretender: What are those? said the other. The first, replied he, is, that he is an impostor, not really King James’s son: Why, that, said the Tory, would be a good reason, if it could be proved. And, pray, sir, what is your other? Why, said the Whig, that he is King James’s son.

488. Although the infirmities of nature are not proper subjects to be made a jest of, yet when people take a great deal of pains to conceal what everybody sees, there is nothing more ridiculous: of this sort was old Cross the player, who, being very deaf, did not care anybody should know it. Honest Joe Miller going with a friend one day along Fleet Street, and seeing old Cross on the other side of the way, told his acquaintance he should see some sport; so beckoning to Cross with his finger, and stretching open his mouth as wide as he could, as if he hallooed to him, though he said nothing, the old fellow came puffing from the other side of the way; What the deuce, said he, do you make such a noise for? do you think one can’t hear?

489. There is in Rome a certain broken statue called Pasquin, to which, in the night time, people affix the libels they dare not own; a kind of dumb satire on the vices of the grandees, not sparing even the Pope himself, as may be seen by the following story:—A late Pope, being descended from a very mean family, on his advancement to the holy see, bestowed great preferment on most of his poor relations; whereupon Pasquin, on the next great festival, early in the morning, was observed to have an extremely dirty shirt on, with a scroll of paper in his hand, whereon was written, How now, Pasquin? What! so dirty upon a holiday? and under that his answer: Alas! I have no clean linen, my washerwoman is made a princess.

490. An Irishman and an Englishman falling out, the Hibernian told him if he did not hold his tongue, he would break his impenetrable head and let the brains out of his empty skull!

491. Rogers, when a certain M.P. wrote a review of his poems, and said he wrote very well for a banker, wrote in return, the following:

492. A prisoner being brought up to Bow Street, the following dialogue passed between him and the sitting magistrate:—How do you live? Pretty well, sir, generally a joint and pudding at dinner. I mean, sir, how do you get your bread? I beg your worship’s pardon; sometimes at the baker’s, and sometimes at the chandler’s shop. You may be as witty as you please, sir; but I mean simply to ask you how do you do? Tolerably well, I thank your worship: I hope your worship is well.

493. When Citizen Thelwall was on his trial at the Old Bailey for high treason, during the evidence for the prosecution, he wrote the following note, and sent it to his counsel, Mr. Erskine: I am determined to plead my cause myself. Mr. Erskine wrote under it: If you do you’ll be hanged;—to which Thelwall immediately returned this reply: I’ll be hanged if I do.

494. Chateauneuf, keeper of the seals under Louis XIII. when a boy of only nine years old, was asked many questions by a bishop, and gave very prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, I will give you an orange if you will tell me where God is? My lord, replied the boy, I will give you two if you will tell me where He is not.

495. A Mr. Johnstone having been lost in the dreadful conflagration of the Theatre Royal Covent Garden, Mr. John Johnstone, of Drury Lane, received a letter from an Irish friend, requesting to know, by the return of post, if it was he that was really burned or not.

496. A gentleman who lived in Great Turnstile, Holborn, being the subject of conversation in a party, a person inquired where he lived, if he had a large house, kept a good table, &c. Oh! yes, answered another, he lives in the greatest stile in Holborn.

497. Gentleman and ladies,—said the facetious Beau Nash, the then master of the ceremonies for Bath, introducing a most lovely woman into the ball-room,—this is Mrs. Hobson. I have often heard of Hobson’s choice, but never had the pleasure to view it until now, and you must coincide with me that it reflects credit on his taste.

498. A gentleman on circuit narrating to Lord Norbury some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast. Thirty-three hairs! exclaimed his lordship; Zounds, sir! then you must have been firing at a wig.

499. During Lord Townshend’s residence in Dublin, as viceroy, he often went in disguise through the city. He had heard much of the wit of a shoeblack, known by the name of Blind Peter, whose stand was always at the Globe Coffee-house door; having found him out, he stopped to get his boots cleaned; which was no sooner done than his lordship asked Peter to give him change for a guinea. A guinea! your honour, said the ragged wit, change for a guinea from me! Sir, you may as well ask a Highlander for a knee-buckle. His lordship was so well pleased, that he left him the gold.

500. A late nobleman, who was very avaricious, was upon the same good terms with his lady as the elements of water and lightning when they encounter in the atmosphere. I am of opinion, my lord, said her ladyship, that you would marry the devil’s daughter, after my decease, if her dowry were equal to your expectations. That is impossible, my lady, replied the earl, for it is contrary to the law of England to marry two sisters.

501. A gentleman staying late one night at the tavern, his wife sent his servant for him about twelve. John, said he, go home and tell your mistress it can be no more. The man returned, by his mistress’s order, again at one, the answer then was, it could be no less. But, sir, said the man, day has broke. With all my heart, replied the master, he owes me nothing. But the sun is up, sir. And so he ought to be, John, ought he not? He has farther to go than we have, I am sure.

502. A noisy talkative spark, who had a handsome place in the king’s revenue, more than he merited, was holding an argument one day with a gentleman, at a public coffee-house; the controversy turned upon some point of government, and his antagonist, who had somewhat galled him by the strength of his argument, referred him to such a place in history, where he would find how much he was mistaken in the dispute. Phoo, said said he, d’ye think I have no other business but to read histories? Faith, said the other, ’tis pity you had, till you had read a little more.

503. Susan, a country girl, desirous of matrimony, received from her mistress a present of a 5l. bank note for her marriage portion. Her mistress wished to see the object of Susan’s favour; and a very diminutive fellow, swarthy as a Moor, and ugly as an ape, made his appearance. Ah, Susan, said her mistress, what a strange choice you have made! La, ma’am, said Susan, in such hard times as these, when almost all the tall fellows are gone for soldiers, what more of a man than this can you expect for a 5l. note?

504. There happened, when Swift was at Larcone in Ireland, the sale of a farm and stock, the farmer being dead. Swift chanced to walk past during the auction, just as a pen of poultry had been put up. Roger (Swift’s clerk) bid for them, but was overbid by a farmer of the name of Hatch. What, Roger, won’t you buy the poultry? exclaimed Swift. No, sir, said Roger, I see they are just a going to Hatch.

505. In a debate on the leather tax, in 1795, in the Irish House of Commons, the Chancellor of the Exchequer (Sir John P——) observed, with great emphasis, That, in the prosecution of the present war, every man ought to give his last guinea to protect the remainder. Mr. Vaudelure said, that however that might be, the tax on leather would be severely felt by the barefooted peasantry of Ireland. To which Sir Boyle Roache replied, that this could be easily remedied, by making the under-leathers of wood.

506. Lieutenant Connolly, an Irishman in the service of the United States, during the American war, chanced to take three Hessian prisoners himself, without any assistance. Being asked by the commander in chief how he had taken them? I surrounded them, was the answer.

507. A seedsman being held to bail for having used inflammatory language respecting the reform bill, a wag observed, It was probably in the line of his profession—to promote business, he wished to sow sedition.

508. When Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, the night being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortification of Quin, Mr. Garrick’s chair came up first. Let me get into the chair, cried the surly veteran—let me get into the chair, and put little Davy into the lantern. By all means, said Garrick; I shall ever be happy to give Mr. Quin light in anything.

509. The late Richard Russel, esq. had a renter’s share at Drury Lane, where he used to go almost every evening; and, notwithstanding his immense fortune, his penury was so great, that rather than give a trifle to any of the women who attended in the lobby-box to take care of his great coat on an evening, he used constantly to pledge it for a shilling, at a pawnbroker’s near the theatre, and redeem it when the performance was over, which cost him one halfpenny interest.

510. A mountebank, expatiating on the virtues of his drawing salve, and reciting many instances of its success, was interrupted by an old woman, who asserted, rather iron-ically, that she had seen it draw out of a door four rusty tenpenny nails, that defied the united efforts of two of the strongest blacksmiths, with their hammers and pincers.

511. At the close of that season in which Shuter, the comedian, first became so universally and deservedly celebrated in his Master Stephen, in the revived comedy of Every Man in his Humour, he was engaged for a few nights, in a principal city in the north of England. It happened that the coach in which he went down (and in which there was only an old gentleman and himself) was stopped on the other side of Finchley Common by a highwayman. The old gentleman, in order to save his own money, pretended to be asleep; but Shuter resolved to be even with him. Accordingly, when the highwayman presented his pistol, and commanded Shuter to deliver his money instantly, or he was a dead man—Money! returned he, with an idiotic shrug, and a countenance inexpressibly vacant; Oh! Lord, sir, they never trusts me with any; for nuncle here always pays for me, turnpikes and all, your honour! Upon which the highwayman giving him a few curses for his stupidity, complimented the old gentleman with a smart slap on the face to awaken him, and robbed him of every shiling; while Shuter, who did not lose a single farthing, with great satisfaction and merriment, pursued his journey, laughing heartily at his fellow-traveller.

512. This excellent comedian was once in disgrace with the audience, in consequence of irregularities:—they demanded an apology. Shuter was somewhat tardy; and a lady was going on with her part; but the audience called out, Shuter! Shuter!—the arch comedian peeped from behind the curtain, and said, Pray do not shoot her; the lady is innocent, the fault is entirely my own. This put the house in good humour, and Shuter was received with applause.

513. Two sailors, the one Irish, the other English, agreed reciprocally to take care of each other, in case of either being wounded in an action then about to commence. It was not long before the Englishman’s leg was shot off by a cannon-ball; and on asking Paddy to carry him to the doctor according to their agreement, the other very readily complied; but had scarcely got his wounded companion on his back when a second ball struck off the poor fellow’s head. Paddy, through the noise and bustle, had not perceived his friend’s last misfortune, but continued to make the best of his way to the surgeon. An officer observing him with the headless trunk, asked him where he was going? To the doctor, said Paddy. To the doctor! said the officer, why, blockhead, the man has lost his head. On hearing this, he flung the body from his shoulders, and looking at it very attentively, By my shoul, said he, he told me it was his leg, but I was a fool to believe him, for he was always a great liar.

514. C. Bannister employed his tailor to make him a pair of small-clothes, and sent him an old pair as a pattern. When the new ones came home, Charles complained that there was no fob. I didn’t think you wanted one, said Snip, since I found the duplicate of your watch in the old pocket!

515. What’s the matter? inquired a passer-by, observing a crowd collected around a black fellow, whom an officer was attempting to secure, to put on board an outward-bound whale ship, from which he had deserted. Matter! matter enough, (exclaimed the delinquent,) pressing a poor negro to get oil.

516. In a small party, the subject turning on matrimony, a lady said to her sister, I wonder, my dear, you have never made a match, I think you want the brimstone. To which she replied, No, not the brimstone, only the spark.

517. A mischievous English rider, who happened to sleep at an inn with an Irishman, whose naked leg was hanging over the bed, wantonly buckled a spur round his ancle. In tossing about in his slumbers, Pat drew his foot across the other leg, and mangled it most cruelly. On discovering his situation, he knocked up the bootjack-boy, and swore at him for an awkward scoundrel, for taking off his boots and letting a spur remain on.

518. An Irish clergyman having gone to visit the portraits of the Scottish kings in Holyrood House, observed one of the monarchs of a very youthful appearance, while his son was depicted with a long beard, and wore the traits of extreme old age. Sancta Maria, exclaimed the good Hibernian, is it possible that this gentleman was an old man when his father was born!

519. Mr. Watson, uncle to the late Marquis of Rockingham, a man of immense fortune, finding himself at the point of death, desired a friend who was present, to open him a drawer, in which was an old shirt, that he might put it on. Being asked why he would wish to change his linen when he was so ill, he replied, Because I am told that the shirt I die in must be the nurse’s perquisite, and that is good enough for her!—This was as bad as the old woman, who, with her last breath, blew out an inch of candle, Because, said she, I can see to die in the dark!

520. An officer had the misfortune to be severely wounded in an engagement. As he lay on the field, an unfortunate near him, who was also badly wounded, gave vent to his agony in dreadful howls, which so irritated the officer, who bore his own suffering in silence, that he exclaimed, What do you make such a noise for? Do you think nobody is killed but yourself?

521. The love of long christian names by the Spaniards has frequently been an object of ridicule. A Spaniard on his travels arrived in the night at a little village in France, in which there was but one hotel. As it was almost midnight, he knocked at the door a long while without hearing any one stir. At length the host putting his head out of his chamber window, asked who was there? The Spaniard replied, Don Juan Pedro Hernandez Rodriguez Alvarez de Villa-nova, Count de Malafra, Cavallero de Santiago de Alcantara. Mercy on me! said the host, as he shut the window, I have but two spare beds, and you ask me lodging for a score!

522. A gentleman, of the name of Pepper, having informed a noble amateur in the sports of the field, that he had a very hot and lively horse, which had flung him in the course of a chase on the preceding day, a conversation ensued on the qualities of the animal. In reply to a question as to the name of the horse, the gentleman stated that he had not yet given it one, and was at a loss what to call him. A name, a name, said Lord N., why, sir, you should call him Peppercaster.

523. A wag passing through a country town, observed a fellow placed in the stocks. My friend, said he, I advise you by all means to sell out. I should have no objection, your honour, he replied drily, but at present they seem much too low.

524. Two Irishmen about to be hanged during the rebellion of 1798, the gallows was erected over the margin of a river. When the first man was drawn up, the rope gave way, he fell into the stream, and escaped by swimming. The remaining culprit, looking up to the executioner, said, with genuine native simplicity, and an earnestness that evinced his sincerity, Do, good Mr. Ketch, if you please, tie me up tight, for, if the rope breaks, I’m sure to be drowned, for I can’t swim a stroke.

525. A country justice of the peace, when upwards of seventy years of age, married a girl about nineteen, and being well aware that he was likely to be rallied on the subject, he resolved to be prepared. Accordingly, when any of his intimate friends called upon him, after the first salutations were passed, he was sure to begin the conversation, by saying, he believed he could tell them news. Why, said he, I have married my tailor’s daughter. If he was asked why he did so? the old gentleman replied, Why, the father suited me so well for forty years past, that I thought the daughter might suit me for forty years to come.

526. Sheridan inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on his inauguration to St. Stephen’s Chapel; the son replied, that he intended to vote for those who offered best, and that in consequence he should wear on his forehead a label, ‘To let.’ To which the facetious critic rejoined, I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, ‘unfurnished’?

527. A certain person asking a merry Andrew, why he played the fool? For the same reason, said he, that you do, out of want—you do it for want of wit, and I do it for want of money.

528. David Garrick was once on a visit at Mr. Rigby’s seat, Mistley Hall, Essex, when Dr. Gough formed one of the party. Observing the potent appetite of the learned doctor, Garrick indulged in some coarse jests on the occasion, to the great amusement of the company, the doctor excepted; who, when the laugh had subsided, thus addressed the party:—Gentlemen, you must doubtless suppose from the extreme familiarity with which Mr. Garrick has thought fit to treat me, that I am an acquaintance of his; but I can assure you that, till I met him here, I never saw him but once before, and then I paid five shillings for the sight. Roscius was silent.

529. Mr. Carbonel, the wine-merchant who served George the Third, was a great favourite with the king, and used to be admitted to the royal hunts. Returning from the chase one day, his majesty entered affably into conversation with him, and they rode side by side a considerable way. Lord Walsingham was in attendance; and watching an opportunity, took Mr. Carbonel aside, and whispered something to him. What’s that? what’s that Walsingham has been saying to you? inquired the good-humoured monarch. I find, sir, I have been unintentionally guilty of disrespect; my lord informed me that I ought to have taken off my hat whenever I addressed your majesty; but your majesty will please to observe, that whenever I hunt, my hat is fastened to my wig, and my wig is fastened to my head, and I am on the back of a very high-spirited horse, so that if anything goes off, we must all go off together! The king laughed heartily at the whimsical apology.

530. In the campaign of 1812, a distinguished officer of the French army was severely wounded in the leg. The surgeons on consulting, declared that amputation was indispensable. The general received the intelligence with much composure. Among the persons who surrounded him, he observed his valet-de-chambre, who showed by his profound grief the deep share which he took in the melancholy accident. Why do you weep, Germain? said his master, smiling to him. It is a fortunate thing for you: you will have only one boot to clean in future.

531. So ungrateful was the sound of ‘Wilkes and No. 45’ (the famous number of the ‘North Briton’) deemed to be to a high personage, that about 1772, a Prince of the Blood (George IV.) then a mere boy, having been chid for some boyish fault, and wishing to take his boyish revenge, is related to have done so by stealing to the king’s apartments, and shouting at the door, ‘Wilkes and 45 for ever!’ and running away. It is hardly necessary to add, (for who knows not the domestic amiableness of George III.?) that his majesty laughed at the thing with his accustomed good humour.

532. Admiral Lord Howe, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him with great agitation, that the ship was on fire near the magazine. If that be the case, said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, we shall soon know it. The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, You need not, sir, be afraid, the fire is extinguished. Afraid! exclaimed Howe, what do you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life; and looking the lieutenant full in the face, he added, Pray how does a man feel, sir, when he is afraid? I need not ask how he looks.

533. The late Councillor Caldbeck, of the Irish bar, who drudged in his profession till he was near eighty, being a king’s counsel, frequently went circuit, as judge of assize when any one of the twelve judges was prevented by illness. On one of those occasions, a fellow was convicted before him at Wexford for bigamy; and when the learned counsel came to pass sentence, after lecturing the fellow pretty roundly upon the nature of his uxorious crime, added, The only punishment which the law authorizes me to inflict is, that you be transported to parts beyond the seas for the term of seven years; but if I had my will, you should not escape with so mild a punishment, for I would sentence you for the term of your natural life—to live in the same house with both your wives.

534. A tailor following the army, was wounded in the head by an arrow. When the surgeon saw the wound, he told his patient, that as the weapon had not touched his brain, there was no doubt of his recovery. The tailor said, If I had possessed any brains, I should not have been here.

535. A young woman had laid a wager she would descend into a vault, in the middle of the night, and bring from thence a skull. The person who took the wager, previously hid himself in the vault, and as the girl seized a skull, cried, in a hollow voice, Leave me my head! There it is, said the girl, throwing it down, and catching up another. Leave me my head! said the same voice. Nay, nay, said the heroic lass, you cannot have two heads: so brought the skull, and won the wager.

536. The daughter of a respectable farmer in Carmarthenshire, was lately betrothed to a young man in the neighbourhood of Tenby; but lovers’ quarrels occurring about three weeks before the day appointed for the marriage, the swain turned on his heel, and immediately proposed to another sister, who assented, without hesitation, on the ground of its being too great a sacrifice to lose such a nice young man out of the family; and, on the day named for the former marriage, the latter took place.

537. The Princess of Conti, daughter of Louis XIV., speaking to the ambassador of Morocco, highly disapproved of the plurality of wives which prevails among the Mahomedans. We should only require one, replied the gallant ambassador, if each resembled you, madam.

538. The Laird of M’N—b was writing to one of his Dulcineas from an Edinburgh coffee-house, when a gentleman of his acquaintance observed that he was setting at defiance the laws of orthography and grammar. How can a man write grammar with a pen like this? exclaimed the Highland chieftain.

539. In a village of Picardy, after a long sickness, a farmer’s wife fell into a lethargy. Her husband was willing, good man, to believe her out of pain; and so, according to the custom of that country, she was wrapped in a sheet, and carried out to be buried. But, as ill-luck would have it, the bearers carried her so near a hedge, that the thorns pierced the sheet, and waked the woman from her trance. Some years after, she died in reality; and, as the funeral passed along, the husband would every now and then call out, Not too near the hedge, not too near the hedge, neighbours.

540. The Germans sleep between two beds; and it is related, that an Irish traveller, upon finding a feather-bed thus laid over him, took it into his head that the people slept in strata, one upon the other, and said to the attendant, Will you be good enough to tell the gentleman or lady that is to lay over me, to make haste, as I wish to go to sleep.

541. When Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent. It was Lord Chesterfield’s business to present the grant of office for the king’s signature. Not to incense his majesty, by asking him abruptly, he, with great humility, begged to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up? With the devil’s! replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. And shall the instrument, said the earl coolly, run as usual, Our trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor?—a repartee at which the king laughed heartily, and with great good humour signed the grant.

542. A fire happening at a public-house, one of the crowd was requesting the engineer to play against the wainscot: but being told it was in no danger, I am sorry for that, said he, because I have a long score upon it, which I shall never be able to pay.

543. Among the curiosities at Apsley House, is the truckle bed in which the Duke of Wellington slept. Why it is so narrow? exclaimed a friend; there is not room to turn in it. Turn in it! cried his grace, when once a man begins to turn in bed, it is time to turn out.

544. A person of the name of Fish, having made a short trip in a balloon, on coming again to terra firma, was seized with a swoon. A gentleman asking one of the crowd collected around him, What was the matter? was answered, Nothing but a flat fish, who has been out of his element.

545. I can’t conceive, said one nobleman to another, how it is that you manage: I am convinced that you are not of a temper to spend more than your income; and yet, though your estate is less than mine, I could not afford to live at the rate you do. My lord, said the other, I have a situation. A situation! you amaze me, I never heard of it till now—pray what is it? I am my own steward.

546. A gentleman remarked the other day to an Irish baronet, that the science of optics was now brought to the highest perfection; for that, by the aid of a telescope, which he had just purchased, he could discern objects at an incredible distance. My dear fellow, replied the good-humoured baronet, I have one at my lodge in the county of Wexford that will be a match for it; it brought the church of Enniscorthy so near to my view, that I could hear the whole congregation singing psalms.

547. A clergyman was reproving a married couple for their frequent dissensions, which were very unbecoming both in the eye of God and man, seeing, as he observed, that they were both one. Both one! cried the husband, Was your reverence to come by our door sometimes, you would swear we were twenty.

548. A person whose name was Gun, complaining to a friend, that his attorney, in his bill, had not let him off easily, That is no wonder, said he, as he charged you too high.

549. A Scotchman maintained that the Garden of Eden was certainly placed in Scotland. For said he, have we not, all within a mile of one another, Adam’s Mount, the Elysian Fields, Paradise Place, and the city of Eden-burgh?

550. A wealthy merchant of Fenchurch Street, lamenting to a confidential friend that his daughter had eloped with one of his footmen, concluded by saying, Yet I wish to forgive the girl, and receive her husband, as it is now too late to part them. But then, his condition; how can I introduce him? Nonsense, replied his companion, introduce him as a Livery-man of the city.

551. A gentleman perceiving the common-crier of Bristol unemployed, inquired the reason: I can’t cry to-day, sir, said he, my wife is just dead.

552. Truth is not unfrequently extracted by accident. Mr. L., whose police office is frequently clamorous with the litigators of shilling warrants, suddenly called out, Silence there! There’s been, added he, two or three people committed already, and I have not heard a word they have said.

553. A wag called on his friend at his country-house, and perceiving him running very fast through his grounds to meet him, told the gentleman he was very sorry to see him go on so ill? Why so? replied the other. I see, rejoined the wag, you are running through your estate very fast.

554. An Irish captain being on the ocean, many leagues from the most remote part of land, beheld at a short distance four sail of ships, and in the joy of his heart exclaimed, Arrah! my lads, pipe all hands on deck to behold this rich landscape.

555. An Hibernian schoolmaster, settled in a village near London, who advertised that he intended to keep a Sunday-school twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays, reminds us of the mock mayor of a place in the west, who declared on his election, that he was resolved to hold his Quarter Sessions monthly.

556. A Londoner told his friend he was going to Margate for a change of hair. You had better, said the other, go to the wig-maker’s shop.

557. When Lieutenant O’Brien (who was called Sky-rocket Jack) was blown up at Spithead, in the Edgar, he was on the carriage of a gun, and being brought to the admiral, all black and wet, he said with pleasantry, I hope, sir, you will excuse my dirty appearance, for I came out of the ship in so great a hurry, that I had not time to shift myself.

558. An Irishman one day found a light guinea, which he was obliged to sell for eighteen shillings. Next day he saw another guinea lying on the street. No, no, said he, I’ll have nothing to do with you; I lost three shillings by your brother yesterday.

559. A healthy old gentleman was once asked by the king, what physician and apothecary he made use of, to look so well at his time of life. Sire, replied the gentleman, my physician has always been a horse, and my apothecary an ass.

560. A poor woman, who had attended several confirmations, was at length recognised by the bishop. Pray, have I not seen you here before? said his lordship. Yes, replied the woman, I get me confirmed as often as I can: they tell me it is good for the rheumatis.

561. A dancer said to another person, You cannot stand so long upon one leg as I can. True, answered the other, but a goose can.

562. A person applied to Quin, as manager, to be admitted on the stage. As a specimen of his dramatic powers, he began the famous soliloquy of Hamlet,

Quin, indignant at the man’s absurd elocution, exclaimed, very decisively, No question, upon my honour; not to be, most certainly.

563. An Irishman going to be hanged, begged that the rope might be tied under his arms instead of round his neck; for, said Pat, I am so remarkably ticklish in the throat, that if tied there, I will certainly kill myself with laughing.

564. A respectable surgeon in London, making his daily round to see his patients, had occasion to call at a house in Charing Cross, where he left his horse to the care of a Jew boy, whom he casually saw in the streets. On coming out of the house, he naturally enough expected to find his trusty servant treating himself with a ride; but no—Mordecai knew the use of time and the value of money a little better;—he was letting the horse to little boys in the street, a penny a ride to the Horse Guards and back!

565. At the breaking up of a tavern dinner, two of the party fell down stairs, the one tumbling to the first landing place, the other rolling to the bottom:—it was observed, that the first seemed dead drunk. Yes, said a wag, but he’s not so far gone as the gentleman below.

566. When the baggage of Lady Hamilton was landed at Palermo, Lord Nelson’s coxswain was very active in conveying it to the ambassador’s hotel. Lady Hamilton observed this, and presenting the man with a moidore, said, Now, my friend, what will you have to drink? Why, please your honour, said the coxswain, I am not thirsty. But, said her ladyship, Nelson’s steersman must drink with me, so what will you take, a dram, a glass of grog, or a glass of punch? Why, said Jack, as I am to drink with your ladyship’s honour, it would not be good manners to be backward, so I’ll take the dram now, and will be drinking the glass of grog while your ladyship is mixing the tumbler of punch for me.

567. When Paddy Blake heard an English gentleman speaking of the fine echo at the lake of Killarney, which repeats the sound forty times, he very promptly observed, Poh! faith that’s nothing at all, to the echo in my father’s garden, in the county of Galway; there, honey, if you were to say to it, How do you do, Paddy Blake? it would answer, Very well, I thank you, sir.

568. When a late duchess of Bedford was at Buxton, in her eighty-fifth year, it was the medical farce of the day for the faculty to resolve every complaint of whim and caprice into a shock of the nervous system. Her grace, after inquiring of many of her friends in the rooms what brought them there, and being generally answered, for a nervous complaint, was asked, in her turn, What brought her to Buxton? I came only for pleasure, answered the healthy duchess; for, thank goodness, I was born before nerves came into fashion.

569. As a clergyman was burying a corpse, a woman came, and pulled him by the sleeve, in the middle of the service. Sir, sir, I want to speak with you. Prithee wait, woman, till I have done. No, sir; I must speak to you immediately. Well, then, what is the matter? Why, sir, you are going to bury a man who died of the small pox, near my poor husband, who never had it.

570. What have you to say, old Bacon-face? said a counsellor to a farmer, at a late Cambridge assizes. Why, answered the farmer, I am thinking that my bacon face and your calf’s head would make a very good dish.

571. A scholar, a bald man, and a barber, travelling together, agreed each to watch four hours in the night, in turn, for the sake of security. The barber’s lot came first, who shaved the scholar’s head while he was asleep, then waked him when his turn came. The scholar, scratching his head, and feeling it bald, exclaimed, you wretch of a barber, you have waked the bald man instead of me.

572. A man much addicted to drinking, being extremely ill with a fever, a consultation was held in his bed-chamber by three physicians, how to cure the fever, and abate the thirst. Gentlemen, said he, I will take half the trouble off your hands; you cure the fever, and I will abate the thirst myself.

573. Dean Swift knew an old woman of the name of Margaret Styles, who was much addicted to drinking. Though frequently admonished by him, he one day found her at the bottom of a ditch, with a bundle of sticks, with which, being in her old way, she had tumbled in. The dean, after severely rebuking her, asked her, where she thought of going to? (meaning after her death). I’ll tell you, sir, said she, if you will help me up. When he had assisted her, and repeated his question—Where do I think of going to? said she, where the best liquor is, to be sure!

574. A gentleman having engaged to fight a main of cocks, directed his feeder in the country, who was a son of the sod, to pick out two of the best, and bring them to town. Paddy, having made his selection, put the two cocks together into a bag, and brought them with him in the mail-coach. When they arrived, it was found upon their journey they had almost torn each other to pieces; on which Paddy was severely taken to task for his stupidity, in putting both cocks into one bag. Indeed, said the honest Hibernian, I thought there was no risk of their falling out, as they were going to fight on the same side.

575. In the late Irish rebellion, J. C. Beresford, esq. a banker, and member for Dublin, rendered himself so very obnoxious to the rebels, in consequence of his vigilance in bringing them to punishment, that whenever they found any of his bank-notes in plundering a house, the general cry was, By Jasus! we’ll ruin the rascal! we’ll destroy every note of his we can find: and they actually destroyed, it is supposed, upwards of 20,000l. worth of his notes during the rebellion.

576. An Irishman being asked which was oldest, he or his brother, I am eldest, said he, but if my brother lives three years longer, we shall be both of an age.

577. A reverend gentleman seeing a fishwoman skinning some eels, said to her, How can you be so cruel? don’t you think you put them to a great deal of pain? Why, your honour, she replied, I might when I first began business; but I have dealt in them twenty years, and by this time they must be quite used to it.

578. A gentleman crossing the water lately below Limehouse, and wanting to learn the price of coals in the pool, hailed one of the labourers at work in a tier of colliers, with Well, Paddy, how are coals? Black as ever, your honour, replied the Irishman.

579. An English labourer in Cheshire attempting to drown himself, an Irish reaper, who saw him go into the water, leaped after him, and brought him safe to shore. The fellow attempting it a second time, the reaper a second time got him out; but the labourer being determined to destroy himself, watched an opportunity and hanged himself behind the barn door. The Irishman observed him, but never offered to cut him down; when, several hours afterwards, the master of the farm-yard asked him upon what ground he had suffered the poor fellow to hang there? Faith, replied Patrick, I don’t know what you mean by ground: I know I was so good to him that I fetched him out of the water two times—and I know, too, he was wet through every rag, and I thought he hung himself up to dry, and you know, I could have no right to prevent him.

580. A devout lady offered up a prayer to St. Ignatius, for the conversion of her husband; a few days after the good man died. What a good saint is our Ignatius, exclaimed the consolable widow, he bestows on us more benefits than we ask for!

581. An author, who had given a comedy into the hands of a manager for his perusal, called on him for his opinion of the piece. Whilst the poor author in trembling anxiety expected the fate of his performance, the manager returned the play with a grave face, saying, Sir, depend upon it this is a thing not to be laughed at.

582. An Irish officer in battle happening to bow, a cannon-ball passed over his head, and took off the head of a soldier who stood behind him: You see, said he, that a man never loses by politeness.

583. A quartermaster in a regiment of light horse, who was about six feet high, and very corpulent, was joking with an Irishman concerning the natural proneness of his countrymen to make bulls in conversation. By my soul, said the Irishman, Ireland never made such a bull in all her lifetime as England did when she made a light horseman of you.

584. An Hibernian officer, being once in company with several who belonged to the same corps, one of them, in a laugh, said he would lay a dozen of claret, that the Irishman made a bull before any other of the party. Done, said Terence. The wager was laid, and by way of puzzling him, he was asked how many bulls there were in that town. Five, said he. How do you make them out? said the other. Faith, said he, there is the Black Bull in the market-place, and the Red Bull over the way; then there is the Pied Bull just by the bridge, and the White Bull at the corner. They are but four, said the other. Why arrah, said he, there is the Dim Cow in the butcher-row. That’s a bull, said the other. By Jasus, then I have won my wager, said he, and you have made the bull and not me.

585. A noble lord, not very courageous, was once so far engaged in an affair of honour as to be drawn to Hyde Park to fight a duel; but just as he came to the Porter’s Lodge an empty hearse came by; on which his lordship’s antagonist, who was a droll officer, well known, called out to the driver, Stop here, my good fellow, a few minutes, and I’ll send you a fare. This operated so strongly on his lordship’s nerves that he begged the officer’s pardon, and returned home with a whole skin.

586. A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for several days, desired, previous to his departure, to have his bill; which being brought, he found a large quantity of port placed to his servant’s account, and questioned him about having had so many bottles of wine. Please yer honour, cried Pat, read how many they charge me. The gentleman began, One bottle port, one ditto, one ditto. Stop, stop, stop, master, exclaimed Paddy, they are cheating you; I know I had some bottles of their port, but I did not taste a drop of their ditto.

587. A farm was lately advertised in a newspaper in which all the beauty of the situation, fertility of the soil, and salubrity of the air, were detailed in the richest glow of rural description, and which was further enhanced with this N.B. There is not an attorney within fifteen miles of the neighbourhood.

588. An Irish footman having carried a basket of game from his master to a friend, waited a considerable time for the customary fee, but not finding it likely to appear, he scratched his head, and said, Sir, if my master should say, Paddy, what did the gentleman give you? what would your honour have me tell him?

589. An Irish gentleman called at the General Post Office, and inquired whether there were any letters for him; the clerk asked for his address. Sure, said he, you will find it on the back of the letter.—A circumstance somewhat similar occurred a few years ago, when a gentleman inquired if there was any letter for him. The clerk asked his name; he replied, What the devil makes you so impertinent as to ask any gentleman’s name? Give me my letter, that’s all you have to do!

590. An Irish labourer being told that the price of bread had been lowered, exclaimed, This is the first time I ever rejoiced at the fall of my best friend.

591. An honest Hibernian tar, a great favourite with the gallant Nelson, used to pray in these words every night when he went to his hammock: God be thanked, I never killed any man, nor no man ever killed me; God bless the world, and success to the British navy.

592. Davenport, a tailor, having set up his carriage, asked Foote for a motto. There is one from Hamlet, said the wit, that will match you to a button-hole, “List, list; oh! list.”

593. A gentleman, some years since, being obliged to ask pardon of the House of Commons on his knees, when he rose up, he brushed the knees of his breeches, saying, I was never in so dirty a house in my life.

594. A justice of the peace, who was possessed with the itch of scribbling, and had written a book which he meant to publish, sent it to Ben Jonson for his opinion, who, finding it full of absurdities, returned it, with his compliments, and recommended his worship to send it to the house of correction.

595. One day Charlotte Smith was walking along Piccadilly, when the tray of a butcher’s boy came in sudden contact with her shoulder, and dirtied her dress. The deuce take the tray, exclaimed she, in a pet. Ah, but the deuce can’t take the tray, replied young rump-steak, with the greatest gravity.

596. George the First, on a journey to Hanover, stopped at a village in Holland, and while the horses were getting ready, he asked for two or three eggs, which were brought him, and charged two hundred florins. How is this? said his majesty, eggs must be very scarce in this place. Pardon me, said the host, eggs are plenty enough, but kings are scarce. The king smiled, and ordered the money to be paid.

597. A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster, was thus accosted by his landlord: John, I am going to raise your rent. John replied, Sir, I am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself.

598. Two bucks riding on the western road on a Sunday morning, met a lad driving a flock of sheep towards the metropolis; when one of them accosted him with, Prithee, Jack, which is the way to Windsor? How did you know my name was Jack? said the boy, staring in their faces. We are conjurors, young Hobnail, said the gentlemen, laughing. Oh! be you! then you don’t want I to show you the way to Windsor, replied the lad, pursuing his journey.

599. Two gentlemen were walking in the High Street, Southampton, one day, about that hour which the industrious damsels of the mop and brush usually devote to cleansing the pavement before the door. It happened that the bucket used upon such occasions was upon the stones, and one of the gentlemen stumbled against it. My dear friend, exclaimed the other, I lament your death exceedingly! My death! Yes, you have just kicked the bucket. Not so, rejoined his friend, I have only turned a little pale (pail).

600. A bill was once brought into the House of Assembly at Jamaica, for regulating wharfingers. Mr. P. Phipps, a distinguished member, rose and said, Mr. Speaker, I very much approve of the bill; the wharfingers are all a set of knaves; I was one myself ten years.

601. An Irishman saw the sign of the Rising Sun near the Seven Dials, and underneath was written, A. Moon, the man’s name who kept it being Aaron Moon. The Irishman, thinking he had discovered a just cause for triumph, roared out to his companion, Only see, Phelim! see here! they talk of the Irish bulls; only do but see now! here’s a fellow puts up the Rising Sun, and calls it A Moon.

602. A grocer, in Dublin, announces that he has whiskey on sale which was drunk by his late Majesty while he was in Ireland.

603. A servant girl, who always attended divine service, but who also could not read, had, from constant attendance, got the service by rote, and could repeat it extremely well. But a few Sundays previous to her marriage, she was accompanied in the same pew by her beau, to whom she did not like it to be known that she could not read; she, therefore, took up the prayer-book, and held it before her. Her lover wished to have a sight of it also, but, unfortunately for her, she held it upside down. The man astonished, said, Good heavens! why you have the book wrong side upwards. I know it, sir, said she, confusedly, I always read so, I am left-handed.

604. Quin being one day in a coffee-house, saw a young beau enter, in an elegant negligée dress, quite languid with the heat of the day. Waiter, said the coxcomb, in an affected faint voice, Waiter, fetch me a dish of coffee, weak as water, and cool as a zephyr! Quin, in a voice of thunder, immediately vociferated, Waiter, bring me a dish of coffee, hot as h-ll, and strong as d—t—n. The beau, starting, exclaimed in his feminine way, Pray, waiter, what is that gentleman’s name? Quin, in the same tremendous tone, exclaimed, Waiter, pray what is that lady’s name?

605. An old female methodist preached about the country, that she had been eleven months in heaven. One of the audience started up and said, It was a pity that she did not stay the other odd month, as she might then have gained a legal settlement.

606. Two actors belonging to Covent Garden Theatre, being on their way to Brighton, stopped at an inn to change horses, where there was a coach coming towards London, waiting the same accommodation, on the roof of which was seated a farmer’s man, who hailed the two actors thus: So, masters, you are going a mumming I see. How the devil does that fellow know we are performers? said one of the actors. Don’t you see he’s on the stage himself? replied the other.

607. The tradesmen of a certain great man, having dunned him for a long time, he desired his servant one morning to admit the tailor who had not been so constant in his attendance as the rest. When he made his appearance, My friend, said he to him, I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that I’ll never pay you a farthing! Now go home, mind your business, and don’t lose your time by calling here.—As for the others, they are a set of vagabonds and rascals, for whom I have no affection, and they may come as often as they choose.

608. Atterbury, Bishop of Rochester, when a certain bill was brought into the House of Lords, said, among other things, That he prophesied last winter this bill would be attempted in the present session, and he was sorry to find that he had proved a true prophet. Lord Coningsby, who spoke after the bishop, and always spoke in a passion, desired the house to remark, That his right reverend friend had set himself forth as a prophet; but for his part he did not know what prophet to liken him to, unless to that furious prophet, Balaam, who was reproved by his own ass. The bishop, in a reply, with great wit and calmness, exposed this rude attack, concluding thus:—Since the noble lord had discovered in our manners such a similitude, I am content to be compared to the prophet Balaam; but, my lords, I am at a loss to make out the other part of the parallel; where is the ass? I am sure I have been reproved by nobody but his lordship.

609. A man in the habit of travelling, complained to his friend, that he had often been robbed, and was afraid of stirring abroad; he was advised to carry pistols with him on his journey. Oh! that would be still worse, replied the hero, the thieves would rob me of them also.

610. When Brennan, the noted highwayman, was taken in the south of Ireland, curiosity drew numbers to the gaol to see the man loaded with irons, who had long been a terror to the country. Among others was a banker, whose notes at that time were not held in the highest estimation, who assured the prisoner that he was very glad to see him there at last. Brennan, looking up, replied, Ah! sir, I did not expect that from you; indeed, I did not; for you well know, that when all the country refused your notes, I took them.

611. When Johnson had completed his Dictionary, the delay of which had quite exhausted the patience of Millar, the bookseller, the latter acknowledged the receipt of the last sheet in the following terms:—“Andrew Millar sends his compliments to Mr. Samuel Johnson, with the money for the last sheet of the copy of the Dictionary, and thanks God he has done with him.” To this uncourteous intimation, the doctor replied in this smart retort: “Samuel Johnson returns his compliments to Mr. Andrew Millar, and is very glad to find (as he does by his note) that Andrew Millar has the grace to thank God for anything.”

612. A man was sitting in his study at work, when one of his neighbours came running to tell him that the back part of his house must be on fire, as it smoked excessively: Oh! answered the man, be so good as to tell my wife, for I do not concern myself at all with the housekeeping.

613. An old woman that sold ale, being at church, fell asleep during the sermon, and unluckily let her old-fashioned clasped Bible fall, which making a great noise, she exclaimed, half awake, So, you jade, there’s another jug broke.

614. The late Countess of Kenmare, who was a devout Catholic, passing one day from her devotions at a chapel in Dublin, through a lane of beggars, who are there certainly the best actors in Europe, in the display of counterfeit misery, her ladyship’s notice was particularly attracted by one fellow apparently more wretched than the rest, and she asked him, Pray, my good man, what is the matter with you? The fellow, who well knew her simplicity and benevolence, answered, Oh! my lady, I’m deaf and dumb. Poor man! replied the innocent lady, how long have you been so? Ever since I had the fever last Christmas. The poor lady presented him with half-a-crown, and went away commiserating his misfortune.

615. Sheridan was very desirous that his son Tom should marry a young woman with large fortune, but knew that Miss Callander had won his son’s heart. One day he requested Tom to walk with him, and soon entered on the subject of his marriage, and pointed out to him in glowing colours the advantages of so brilliant an alliance. Tom listened with the utmost patience, and then descanted on the perfections of the woman who proved the pride and solace of his declining years. Sheridan grew warm, and expatiating on the folly of his son, at length exclaimed, Tom, if you marry Caroline Callander, I’ll cut you off with a shilling! Tom could not resist the opportunity of replying, and, looking archly at his father, said, Then, sir, you must borrow it. Sheridan was tickled at the wit, and dropped the subject.

616. About the year 1762, a colonel in command in the West Indies, was ordered to disembark his corps for the attack of one of the islands. In stepping into a boat he fell overboard, and the current was carrying him rapidly from the ship, when an honest tar jumped after him, kept him afloat till a boat was despatched to his assistance, and put him on board again in safety. One of Jack’s mess-mates having observed the colonel put something into the hand of his deliverer, stepped up to him, and exclaimed, Dam—me, Jack, you’re in luck to-day, aye! and eagerly opening his hand, expected at least to share in a can of grog; but on discovering the generous reward, a sixpence, the tar uttered a prayer, and whispered his messmate, Never mind, Jack, every man knows the value of his life best.

617. A rich, but miserly man, invited a poor acquaintance to dine with him, and when they were seated at table, helped him to a very small piece of meat; upon which, the poor man, starting from his chair, exclaimed, I’m blind! I’m blind! I’m blind! The other, astonished at this sudden misfortune, begged his guest to resume his seat, and try if he could not see at all; on this, the poor man, taking up his plate, said, I think I can see a little bit.

618. A gentleman happening to remark, one intensely hot evening, that Parliament would soon be dissolved, a young lady immediately added, So shall we all, if this weather continues.

619. Soon after the settlement of New England, Governor Dudley, taking a walk, met a stout Indian begging, and saying he could get no work. The governor told him to go to his house, and he would give him work. But, said the negro, why you no work, massa? O, said the governor, my head works. The man, however, turned out an idle good-for-nothing fellow, and his master found it necessary one day to have him flogged. With this view he gave him a letter, desiring him to carry it to the keeper of the workhouse. The negro, suspecting its contents, committed it to the care of one of his comrades, who got a sound whipping for his trouble. The governor having learned this, asked Mungo why he did so? O, massa, said he, head work.

620. When Lord Stair was ambassador in Holland, he gave frequent entertainments, to which the foreign ministers were constantly invited, not excepting the ambassador of France, with whose nation we were then on the point of breaking. In return, the Abbé de Ville, the French ambassador, as constantly invited the English and Austrian ambassadors upon the like occasions. The Abbé was a man of vivacity, and fond of punning. Agreeable to this humour, he one day proposed a toast in these terms: “The Rising Sun, my master,” alluding to the device and motto of Louis XIV.; which was pledged by the whole company. It came then to the Baron de Reisback’s turn to give a toast; and he, to countenance the Abbé, proposed the Moon, in compliment to the empress queen; which was greatly applauded. The turn then came to the Earl of Stair, on whom all eyes were fastened; but that nobleman, whose presence of mind never forsook him, drank his master, King William, by the name of Joshua, the son of Nun, who made the Sun and Moon stand still.

621. A Frenchman having called for some liquor at a public-house in England, was surprised at receiving it in a glass, alleging, he thought it appeared very little. You have enough for your money, replied the host, gruffly. That may be, said the other, but in France they always bring it in a measure. Ay, said the landlord, like enough; but we do not want to introduce French measures here.

622. The Khalif Haroun Alraschid was accosted one day by a poor woman, who complained that his soldiers had pillaged her house, and laid waste her grounds. The khalif desired her to remember the words of the Koran, That when princes go forth to battle, the people, through whose fields they pass, must suffer. Yes, said the woman, but it is also written in the same book, that the habitations of those princes, who authorize the injustice, shall be made desolate. This bold and just reply had a powerful effect on the khalif, who ordered immediate reparation to be made.

623. As the late beautiful Duchess of Devonshire was one day stepping out of her carriage, a dustman, who was accidentally standing by, and was about to regale himself with his accustomed whiff of tobacco, caught a glance of her countenance, and instantly exclaimed, Love and bless you, my lady, let me light my pipe in your eyes! It is said the duchess was so delighted with this compliment, that she frequently afterwards checked the strain of adulation, which was so constantly offered to her charms, by saying, Oh! after the dustman’s compliment, all others are insipid.

624. A man carrying a cradle, was stopped by an old woman, and thus accosted: So, sir, you have got some of the fruits of matrimony. Softly, softly, old lady, said he, you mistake, this is merely the fruit-basket.

625. A Jew who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. Moses was informed of this, and it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see his two fellow-travellers hanged; and being asked, Why he did not get about his business, he said, He waited to see if he could bargain with Maisther Ketsch for the two gentlemen’s clothes.

626. An English drummer having strolled from the camp, approached the French lines, and before he was aware, was seized by the piquet, and carried before the commander, on suspicion of being a spy, disguised in a drummer’s uniform. On being questioned, however, he honestly told the truth, and declared who and what he was. This not gaining credit, a drum was sent for, and he was desired to beat a couple of marches, which he readily performed, and thus removed the Frenchman’s suspicion of his assuming a fictitious character. But, my lad, said he, let me now hear you beat a retreat. A retreat? replied the drummer; I don’t know what it is, nor is it known in the English service! The French officer was so pleased with this spirited remark, that he dismissed the poor fellow, with a letter of recommendation to his general.

627. A very volatile young lord, whose conquests in the female world were numberless, at last married. Now, my lord, said the countess, I hope you’ll mend. Madam, said he, you may depend upon it, this is my last folly.

628. Susan, said an Irish footman the other day to his fellow servant, what are the joy bells ringing for again? In honour of the Duke of York’s birthday, Mr. Murphy. Be aisy now, rejoined the Hibernian, none of your blarney—sure ’twas the Prince Regent’s on Tuesday, and how can it be his brother’s to-day, unless, indeed, they were twins?

629. When General R— was quartered at a small town in Ireland, he and his lady were regularly besieged, whenever they got into their carriage, by an old beggar-woman, who kept her post at the door, assailing them daily with fresh importunities, and fresh tales of distress. At last the general’s charity and the lady’s patience were nearly exhausted, though their petitioner’s wit was still in its pristine vigour. One morning, at the accustomed hour, and close by the side of the carriage, the old woman began—Agh! my lady, success to your ladyship, and success to your honour’s honour this morning, of all the days in the year, for sure didn’t I dream last night that her ladyship gave me a pound of ta (tea) and that your honour gave me a pound of tobacco. But, my good woman, said the general, don’t you know that dreams always go by the rule of contrary? Do they so, plase your honour? rejoined the old woman; then it must be your honour that will give me the ta, and her ladyship that will give me the ’bacco.

630. A party of bon vivants, who had recently dined at a celebrated tavern, after having drank an immense quantity of wine, rang for the bill. It was accordingly brought, but the amount appeared so enormous to one of the company, (not quite so far gone as the rest,) that he stammered out, it was impossible so many bottles could have been drunk by seven persons. True, sir, said Boniface, but your honour forgets the three gentlemen under the table.

631. The servant of a naval commander, an Irishman, one day let a tea-kettle fall into the sea, upon which he ran to his master, Arrah, an plase your honour, can anything be said to be lost, when you know where it is? Certainly not, replied the captain. Why then your kettle is at the bottom of the sea.

632. Amiral Keppel being sent to Algiers, for the purpose of demanding satisfaction for the injuries done to his Britannic Majesty’s subjects, by the corsairs of that state, the Dey, enraged at the boldness of the ambassador, exclaimed, that he wondered at the insolence of the English monarch, in sending him a message by a foolish beardless boy. The admiral immediately replied, That if his master had supposed wisdom was to be measured by length of beard, he would have sent his Deyship a billy-goat.

633. When Lord Anson once attacked a French squadron in the Bay of Biscay, and L’Invincible struck, Monsieur de la Jonquieu, who was the commander, was brought aboard the admiral’s ship, where seeing Le Glorieux, another of his squadron, engaged with an English vessel of superior force, he bowed, surrendered his sword, and said, My Lord, you have conquered the Invincible, and Glory must follow.

634. A fellow who loved laughing better than his meat, put a number of rams’ horns into a basket, and went up and down the streets at the west end of the town, crying, New fruit, new fruit, ho! as loud as he could bawl. Lord —— hearing the noise, put his head out of his drawing-room window, and asked the fellow to show him his fruit; which having looked at, he asked him if he was not ashamed thus to disturb a quiet neighbourhood; for who the devil, said the peer, do you think will buy horns? Well, master, replied the fellow, do not put yourself in a passion; though you are provided, I may meet with other men that are not.

635. Dean ——, when residing on a living in the country, had occasion one day to unite a rustic couple in the holy bands of matrimony. The ceremony being over, the husband began “to sink in resolution,” and falling (as some husbands might do) into a fit of repentance, he said, Your reverence has tied this knot tightly, I fancy, but, under favour, may I ask your reverence, if so be you could untie it again? Why no, replied the Dean, we never do that on this part of the consecrated ground. Where then? cried the man eagerly. On that, pointing to the burial ground.

636. An Irish gentleman, in the warmth of national feeling, was praising Ireland for the cheapness of provisions; a salmon, he said, might be bought for sixpence, and a dozen mackerel for twopence. And pray, sir, how came you to leave so cheap a country? Arrah, my dear honey! exclaimed the Irishman, just because there were no sixpences and twopences to be got.

637. The Spaniards do not often pay hyperbolical compliments, but one of their admired writers, speaking of a lady’s black eyes, said, That they were in mourning for the murders they had committed.

638. An old gentleman of eighty-four, having taken to the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him: The font is at the other end of the church. What do I want with the font? said the old gentleman. Oh! I beg your pardon, said the clerical wit, I thought you had brought this child to be christened.