JOE MILLER’S JESTS. (continued 4)

639. In a great storm at sea, when the ship’s crew were all at prayers, a boy burst into a violent fit of laughter; being reproved for his ill-timed mirth, and asked the reason of it—Why, said he, I was laughing to think what a hissing the boatswain’s red nose will make when it comes into the water. This ludicrous remark set the crew a-laughing, inspired them with new spirits, and by a great exertion they brought the vessel safe into port.

640. A bon vivant of fashion, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine, after having been seriously taken leave of by Dr. Pitcairn, and being told that he could not in all human probability survive many hours, and would die by eight o’clock next morning, exerted the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, which having accomplished with difficulty, his loudest effort not exceeding a whisper, he said, with the true spirit of a gambler, Doctor, I’ll bet you a bottle I live till nine!

641. Two Irish bricklayers were working at some houses, and one of them was boasting of the steadiness with which he could carry a load to any height. The other contested the point, and the conversation ended in a bet that he could not carry him in his hod up a ladder to the top of the building. The experiment was made: Pat placed himself in the hod, and his comrade, after a great deal of care and exertion, succeeded in taking him up. Without any reflection on the danger he had escaped, the loser observed to the winner, To be sure, I have lost; but don’t you remember, about the third story you made a slip—I was then in hopes.

642. The Rev. Caleb Colton, nephew of Sir George Staunton, has related in a recent publication, the following anecdote: My late uncle, Sir G. Staunton told me a curious anecdote of old Kien Long, Emperor of China. He was inquiring of Sir George the manner in which physicians were paid in England. When, after some difficulty, his majesty was made to comprehend the system, he exclaimed, Is any man well in England that can afford to be ill? Now, I will inform you, said he, how I manage my physicians. I have four, to whom the care of my health is committed: a certain weekly salary is allowed them, but the moment I am ill, the salary stops till I am well again. I need not inform you my illnesses are usually short.

643. The late Lord Norbury, some time since going as a judge on the Munster circuit, was, as usual, so strict in the administration of criminal justice, that few, of whose guilt there were any strong grounds of suspicion, were suffered to escape, merely through any slovenly flaws in the wording of their indictments, or doubts upon the testimony. Dining, as usual, with the seniors of the bar, at an inn, a gentleman, who sat near the judge, asked leave to help his lordship to part of a pickled tongue. Lord Norbury replied, he did not like pickled tongue; but if it had been hung, he would try it. Mr. Curran, who sat on the other side, said, that the defect was easily obviated; for if his lordship would only try it, it would certainly be hung.

644. A clergyman was reading the burial service over an Irish corpse, and having forgot which sex it was, on coming to that part of the ceremony which reads thus: our dear brother or sister, the reverend gentleman stopped, and seeing Pat stand by, stepped back, and whispering to him, said, Is it a brother or a sister? Pat answered, Neither, it is only a relation.

645. Sir J. S. Hamilton, lounging one day in Dalby’s chocolate house, when, after a long drought there fell a torrent of rain: a country gentleman observed, This is a most delightful rain; It will bring up everything out of the ground. By Jove, sir, said Sir John, I hope not; for I have sown three wives, and I should be very sorry to see them come up again.

646. The father of an Irish student, seeing his son doing something improper, How now, sirrah, said he, did you ever see me do so when I was a boy?

647. When Mr. Penn, a young gentleman well known for his eccentricities, walked from Hyde Park Corner to Hammersmith, for a wager of one hundred guineas, with the Honourable Butler Danvers, several gentlemen who had witnessed the contest spoke of it to the Duchess of Gordon, and added, It was a pity that a man with so many good qualities as this Penn had, should be incessantly playing these unaccountable pranks. It is so, said her grace, but why don’t you advise him better? He seems to be a pen that everybody cuts, but nobody mends.

648. David Hume and R. B. Sheridan were crossing the water to Holland, when a high gale arising, the philosopher seemed under great apprehension lest he should go to the bottom. Why, said his friend, that will suit your genius to a tittle; as for my part, I am only for skimming the surface.

649. Quin sometimes said things at once witty and wise. Disputing concerning the execution of Charles I., But by what laws, said his opponent, was he put to death? By all the laws that he had left them.

650. An English gentleman travelling through the Highlands, came to the inn of Letter Finlay, in the braes of Lochaber. He saw no person near the inn, and knocked at the door. No answer. He knocked repeatedly, with as little success; he then opened the door, and walked in. On looking about, he saw a man lying on a bed, whom he hailed thus: Are there any Christians in this house? No, was the reply, we are all Camerons.

651. Two bucks, lately sitting over a pint of wine, made up for the deficiency of port by the liveliness of their wit. After many jokes had passed, one of them took up a nut, and holding it to his friend, said, If this nut could speak, what would it say? Why, rejoined the other, it would say, give me none of your jaw.

652. A gentleman indisposed, and confined to his bed, sent his servant to see what hour it was by a sun-dial, which was fastened to a post in his garden. The servant was an Irishman, and being at a loss how to find the time, carried the sun-dial to his master, saying, Arrah, now look at it yourself: it is indeed all a mystery to me.

653. A gentleman in the West Indies, who had frequently promised his friends to leave off drinking, without their discovering any improvement, was one morning called on early by an intimate friend, who met the negro boy at his door. Well, Sambo, said he, where is your master? Massa gone out, sare, was the reply. And has he left off drinking yet? rejoined the first. Oh yes, sure, said Sambo, massa leave off drinking—he leave off two-tree time dis morning.

654. An Irishman having been summoned to the Court of Requests at Guildhall, by an apothecary, for medicines, was asked by one of the commissioners what the plaintiff had from time to time served him with, to which he gave suitable answers. And pray, said the commissioner, what was the last thing he served you with? Why, your honour, replied the honest Hibernian, the last thing he served me with, please you, was the summons.

655. When George II. was once expressing his admiration of General Wolfe, some one observed that the general was mad. Oh! he is mad, is he! said the king, with great quickness, then I wish he would bite some of my other generals.

656. A sailor who had served on board the Romney, with Sir Home Popham, after returning home from India, finding that wigs were all in fashion, bespoke a red one, which he sported at Portsmouth, to the great surprise of his companions. On being asked the cause of the change of colour in his hair, he said it was occasioned by his bathing in the Red Sea.

657. A physician attending a lady several times, had received a couple of guineas each visit; at last, when he was going away, she gave him but one; at which he was surprised, and looking on the floor, as if in search of something, she asked him what he looked for. I believe, madam, said he, I have dropped a guinea. No, sir, replied the lady, it is I that have dropped it.

658. A prudent poet, about the beginning of the civil, or rather uncivil, troubles for men of his kidney, in England’s rebellious days, was asked as he lay on his death-bed, how he would be buried? With my face downward; for in a short time England will be turned upside down, and then I shall be right.

659. A boy having run away from school to go to sea, his friends wrote to him, that death would be perpetually staring him in the face; to which he replied, Well, what of that? every ship is provided with shrouds.

660. A facetious fellow having unwittingly offended a conceited puppy, the latter told him he was no gentleman. Are you a gentleman? asked the droll one. Yes, sir, bounced the fop. Then I am very glad I am not, replied the other.

661. Why you have never opened your mouth this session, said Sir Thomas Lethbridge to Mr. Gye. I beg your pardon, Sir Thomas, replied Mr. Gye; your speeches have made me open it very frequently. My jaws have ached with yawning.

662. A person who was famous for arriving just at dinner-time, upon going to a friend’s (where he was a frequent dropper in), was asked by the lady of the house if he would do as they did. On his replying he should be happy to have the pleasure, she replied, Dine at home then. A quietus for some time at least.

663. As a worthy city baronet was gazing one evening at the gas lights in front of the Mansion-house, an old acquaintance came up to him, and said, Well, Sir William, are you studying astronomy? No, sir, replied the alderman. I am studying gastronomy. His friend looked astonished, and the baronet replied, Do you doubt my voracity? No, Sir William.

664. A certain cit, who had suddenly risen into wealth by monopolies and contracts, from a very low condition in life, stood up in the pit of the opera with his hat on; the Duchess of Gordon whispered to a lady, We must forgive that man: he has so short a time been used to the luxury of a hat, that he does not know when to pull it off.

665. A person disputing with Peter Pindar, said, in great heat, that he did not like to be thought a scoundrel. I wish, replied Peter, that you had as great a dislike to being a scoundrel.

666. A lady in Calcutta asked Colonel Ironsides for a mango. As he rolled it along the table, it fell into a plate of kissmists, a kind of grape very common in the East Indies: upon which Dr. Hunter, a gentleman as eminent for his wit as for his skill in his profession, neatly observed, How naturally man-goes to kiss-miss.

667. At one of those large convivial parties which distinguished the table of Major Hobart, when he was Secretary in Ireland, amongst the usual loyal toasts, The wooden walls of England! being given, Sir John Hamilton, in his turn, gave The wooden walls of Ireland! The toast being quite new, he was asked for an explanation: upon which, filling a bumper, he very gravely stood up, and, bowing to the Marquis of Waterford and several country gentlemen, who commanded county regiments, he said, My lords and gentlemen, I have the pleasure of giving you The wooden walls of Ireland—the colonels of militia.

668. When it was debated about sending bishops to America, much was said pro and con. One gentleman wondered that anybody should object to it; For my part, said he, I wish all our bishops were sent to America.

669. Dr. Parr once called a clergyman a fool, who, indeed, was little better. The clergyman said he would complain of this usage to the bishop. Do, said the doctor, and my lord bishop will confirm you.

670. Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them complained of, as they were as good as he could make. Why, said Ralph, they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would not burn any longer.

671. Piavano Arloto, a buffoon, boasted that in all his life he never spoke truth. Except, replied another, at this present moment.

672. A Cantab, who happened to be under Sir B. Harwood, when professor, was enjoined to live temperately, as a cure for his malady. The doctor called upon him one day, and found him enjoying himself over a bottle of Madeira. Ah, doctor! exclaimed the patient, at the same time reaching out his hand to bid him welcome, I am glad to see you; you are just in time to taste the first bottle of some prime Madeira! Ah! replied Sir Busack, these bottles of Madeira will never do—they are the cause of all your sufferings! Are they so? cried the patient, then fill your glass, my dear doctor; for, since we know the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better.

673. A late wit, at the time when the revolutionary names of the months (Thermidor, Floréal, Nivose, &c.) were adopted in France, proposed to extend the innovation to our own language, somewhat on the following model: Freezy, Sneezy, Breezy, Wheezy; Showery, Lowery, Flowery, Bowery; Snowy, Flowy, Blowy, Glowy.

674. A duel, between M. de Langerie and M. de Montande, both remarkable for their ugliness, had a very comic catastrophe. Arrived at the place of fighting, M. de Langerie stared his adversary in the face, and said, I have just reflected; I can’t fight with you. With this he returned his sword to its scabbard. How, sir, what does this mean? It means that I shall not fight. What! you insult me, and refuse to give me satisfaction? If I have insulted you, I ask a thousand pardons, but I have an insurmountable reason for not fighting with you. But, sir, may one know it? It will offend you. No, sir. You assure me? Yes, I assure you. Well, sir, this it is: if we fight, according to all appearances I shall kill you, and then I shall remain the ugliest fellow in the kingdom. His adversary could not help laughing, and they returned to the city good friends.

675. A clergyman, on leaving church, was complimented by one of his friends on the discourse he had been delivering. South himself, exclaimed the delighted auditor, never preached a better. You are right, replied the honest divine,—it was the very best he ever did preach.

676. On a remarkably hot summer’s day, an Irishman, thinly and openly dressed, sitting down in a violent perspiration, was cautioned against catching cold. Catch it? said he, wiping his face, where? I wish I could catch it.

677. Sheridan made his appearance one day in a pair of new boots—these attracting the notice of some of his friends, Now guess, said he, how I came by these boots? Many probable guesses then took place. No! said Sheridan, no, you’ve not hit it, nor ever will; I bought them, and paid for them.

678. A gentleman, long famous for the aptitude of his puns, observing a violent fracas in the front of a gin-shop, facetiously termed it the battle of A-gin-court.

679. When Lord Sandwich was to present Admiral Campbell, he told him, that, probably, the king would knight him. The admiral did not much relish the honour. Well, but, said Lord S., perhaps Mrs. Campbell will like it. Then let the king knight her, answered the rough seaman.

680. A father, exhorting his son to early rising, related a story of a person who, early one morning, found a large purse of money. Well, replied the youth, but the person who lost it rose earlier.

681. Reynolds, the dramatist, observing to Martin the thinness of the house at one of his own plays, added, He supposed it was owing to the war. No, replied the latter, it is owing to the piece.

682. A physician being sent for, by a maker of universal specifics, expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently so trifling. Not so trifling neither, replied the quack, for, to tell you the truth, I have taken some of my own pills.

683. About the time when Murphy so successfully attacked the stage-struck heroes in the pleasant farce of ‘The Apprentice,’ an e‘inent poulterer went to a spouting-club in search of his servant, who, he understood, was that evening to make his debut in Lear, and entered the room at the moment he was exclaiming, “I am the king; you cannot touch me for coining.” No, you dog, cried the enraged master, catching the mad monarch by his collar, but I can for not picking the ducks.

684. A West Indian, who had a remarkably fiery nose, sleeping in his chair, a negro-boy, who was in waiting, observed a musquito hovering about his face. Quashi eyed the insect very attentively, and at last saw him alight upon his master’s nose, and immediately fly off again. Ah! exclaimed the negro, me glad to see you burn your foot.

685. Sheridan was dining with Lord Thurlow, when he produced some admirable Constantia, which had been sent him from the Cape of Good Hope. The wine tickled the palate of Sheridan, who saw the bottle emptied with uncommon regret, and set his wits to work to get another. The old Chancellor was not to be so easily induced to produce his curious Cape in such profusion, and foiled all Sheridan’s attempts to get another glass. Sheridan being piqued, and seeing the inutility of persecuting the immovable pillar of the law, turned towards a gentleman sitting farther down, and said, Sir, pass me up that decanter, for I must return to Madeira since I cannot double the Cape.

686. Two city merchants conversing upon business at the door of the New York Coffee-house, one of them made some remarks on the badness of the times; and perceiving at the moment, a flight of pigeons passing over their heads, he exclaimed, How happy are those pigeons! they have no acceptances to provide for. To which the other replied, You are rather in error, my friend, for they have their bills to provide for as well as we!

687. An Irishman having lost an eye, a friend of his recommended him to one of our famous oculists, with whom he agreed to give ten guineas for a very beautiful one shown him among the rest. He actually called the next day to abuse him for having sold him an eye with which he could not see.

688. An Irish soldier pretending dumbness, and the surgeon of the regiment, after several attempts to restore him, declaring him incurable, was discharged. He, a short time afterwards enlisted in another corps, and being recognized by an old comrade, and questioned how he learned to speak? By the powers, replied Terence, ten guineas would make any man speak.

689. A singer once complaining to Mr. Jeffery, that himself and his brother (both of whom were deemed simpletons), had been ordered to take ass’s milk, but that on account of its expensiveness, he hardly knew what they should do. Do! cried Mr. Jeffery, why suck one another, to be sure.

690. A Cantab, one day observing a ragamuffin-looking boy scratching his head at the door of Stevenson, the bookseller, in Cambridge, where he was begging, and thinking to pass a joke upon him, said, So, Jack, you are picking them out, are you? Nah, sar, retorted the urchin, I takes ’em as they come!

691. An Irish gardener seeing a boy stealing some fruit, swore, if he caught him there again, he’d lock him up in the ice-house, and warm his jacket.

692. Swift’s Stella, who was an Irish lady, being extremely ill, her physician said, Madam, you are certainly near the bottom of the hill, but we shall endeavour to get you up again. She replied, Doctor, I am afraid I shall be out of breath before I get to the top again.

693. A lady observing in company, how glorious and useful a body the sun was,—Why, yes, madam, said an Irish gentleman present, the sun is a very fine body, to be sure; but, in my opinion, the moon is much more useful; for the moon affords us light in the night-time, when we really want it; whereas we have the sun with us in the day-time, when we have no occasion for it.

694. Doctor Lucas, the celebrated Irish patriot, having, after a very sharp contest, carried the election as a representative in parliament for the city of Dublin, was met, a few days after, by a lady whose whole family were very warm in the interest of the unsuccessful candidate; Well, doctor, said she, I find you have gained the election. Yes, madam. No wonder, sir: all the blackguards voted for you. No, madam, your two sons did not, returned the doctor.

695. Anthony Pasquin one day leaning over the Margate Pier, after a tremendous storm on the preceding night, You have had a blustering night of it, said he, to an Irish sailor, who stood near him, but after a storm comes a calm. By my sowl, and so it ought, said Pat, for the winds and the waves had a hard night’s bout of it, and it’s time for them to rest themselves.

696. An Irishman, speaking of the rapacity of the clergy in exacting their tithes, said, By Jasus, let a farmer be ever so poor, they won’t fail to make him pay his full tenths, whether he can or not; nay, they would instead of a tenth take a twentieth, if the law permitted them.

697. When Dr. Franklin applied to the King of Prussia to lend his assistance to America, Pray, doctor, said the veteran, what is the object you mean to attain? Liberty, sire, replied the philosopher of Philadelphia: liberty! that freedom which is the birth-right of man. The king, after a short pause, made this memorable and kingly answer: I was born a prince, I am become a king, and I will not use the power which I possess to the ruin of my own trade.

698. Two gentlemen at Bath having a difference, one went to the other’s door early in the morning, and wrote ‘Scoundrel’ upon it. The other called upon his neighbour, and was answered by his servant, that his master was not at home, but if he had anything to say he might leave it with him. No, no, said he, I was only going to return your master’s visit, as he left his name at my door this morning.

699. A robustious countryman, meeting a physician, ran to hide behind a wall; being asked the cause, he replied, It is so long since I have been sick, that I am ashamed to look a physician in the face.

700. A Cantab being out of ready cash, went in haste to a fellow-student to borrow, who happened to be in bed at the time. Shaking him, the Cantab demanded, Are you asleep? Why? said the student. Because, replied the other, I want to borrow half-a-crown. Then, answered the student, I’m asleep.

701. Through an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity College, a church may be seen at a considerable distance, the approach to which affords no very pleasing scenery. The late Professor Porson, on a time, walking that way with a friend and observing the church, remarked, That it put him in mind of a fellowship, which was a long dreary walk, with a church at the end of it.

702. A certain lodging-house was very much infested by vermin; a gentleman who slept there one night, told the landlady so in the morning, when she said, La, sir, we haven’t a single one in the house. No, ma’am, said he, they’re all married, and have large families too.

703. One of the check-takers (an Irishman) at the Zoological Society’s Garden, mentioned to a friend, that the Queen had visited the garden incog. on a particular day. Why, said the person he was informing, It is odd we never heard of it! Oh, not at all, at all, rejoined Pat: for she didn’t come like a queen; but clane and dacent like another lady!

704. An officer in full regimentals passing through a street in Dublin, apprehensive lest he should come in contact with a chimney sweep that was pressing towards him, exclaimed, Hold off, you black rascal. You were as black as me before you were boiled, cried sooty.

705. Voltaire, in the presence of an Englishman, was one day enlarging with great warmth in the praise of Haller, extolling him as a great poet, a great naturalist, and a man of universal attainments. The Englishman, who had been on a visit to Haller, answered, that it was handsome in Monsieur de Voltaire to speak so favourably of Monsieur Haller, inasmuch as Monsieur Haller was by no means so liberal to Monsieur de Voltaire. Alas! said Voltaire, with an air of philosophic indulgence, I dare to say we are both very much mistaken!

706. One day, when Sir Isaac Heard was with his majesty King George III., it was announced that his majesty’s horse was ready to start for hunting. Sir Isaac, said the monarch, are you a judge of horses? In my younger days, please your majesty, was the reply, I was a great deal among them. What do you think of this, then? said the king, who was by this time preparing to mount his favourite; and without waiting for an answer, added, We call him Perfection. A most appropriate name, replied the courtly herald, bowing as his majesty reached the saddle, for he bears the best of characters!

707. At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried about the soundness of a horse, in which a clergyman, not educated in the school of Tattersall, appeared as a witness. He was confused in giving his evidence, and a furious blustering counsellor, who examined him, was at last tempted to exclaim, Pray, sir, do you know the difference between a horse and a cow? I acknowledge my ignorance, replied the clergyman: I hardly know the difference between a horse and a cow, or a bully and a bull; only that a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully, bowing respectfully to the counsellor, luckily for me, has none.

708. In a certain company, the conversation having fallen on the subject of craniology, and the organ of drunkenness being alluded to among others, a lady suggested that this must be the barrel-organ.

709. The colonel of the Perthshire cavalry, was lately complaining, that, from the ignorance and inattention of his officers, he was obliged to do the whole duty of the regiment. I am, said he, my own captain, my own lieutenant, my own cornet. And trumpeter also, I presume, said a certain witty duchess.

710. The late celebrated Dr. Brown paid his addresses to a lady for many years, but unsuccessfully; during which time he had always accustomed himself to propose her health, whenever he was called upon for a lady. But being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman reminded him, that he had forgotten to toast his favourite lady. Why, indeed, said the doctor, I find it all in vain; I have toasted her so many years and cannot make her Brown, that I am determined to toast her no longer.

711. Mr. Henry Erskine, celebrated for his elegant repartee, being in company with the beautiful Duchess of Gordon, asked her, Are we never again to enjoy the pleasure of your grace’s society in Edinburgh? Oh! said she, Edinburgh is a vile dull place, I hate it. Madam, replied the gallant barrister, the sun might as well say, this is a vile dark morning, I won’t rise to-day.

712. Serjeant Maynard, an eminent counsellor, waiting with the body of the law upon the Prince of Orange (afterwards King William) on his arrival in London, the prince took notice of his great age, the serjeant then being near ninety. Sir, said he, you have outlived all the men of the law of your younger years. I should have outlived even the law itself, replied the serjeant, if your highness had not arrived.

713. When Skelton published his ‘Deism Revealed,’ the Bishop of London asked the Bishop of Clogher if he knew the author? Oh yes, he has been a curate in my diocese near these twenty years. More shame for your lordship to allow a man of his merit to continue so long a curate in your diocese, was the reply.

714. A gentleman had a cask of Armenian wine, from which his servant stole a large quantity. When the master perceived the deficiency, he diligently inspected the top of the cask, but could find no traces of an opening. Look if there be not a hole in the bottom, said a by-stander. Blockhead, he replied, do you not see that the deficiency is at the top, and not at the bottom?

715. Malherbe, the famous reformer of French poetry, and of the French language, dined one day at the table of a bishop, who was to preach a sermon the same evening, but who was more hospitable than eloquent. The dinner was good, the wines delicious; and the poet having freely partaken of both, began to nod, for want of enlivening conversation. When the hour came for the bishop’s going to church, he shook Malherbe by the arm, and said, It is time to start, Malherbe:—you know I am to preach this evening. Ah, my lord, said the poet, be so good as to excuse me, for I can sleep very well where I am.

716. A curate of great learning and merit, but without any prospect of preferment, found an opportunity of preaching before Bishop Hough, who was so well pleased with his discourse and manner of delivery, that after service he sent his compliments to him, desiring to know his name, and where his living was. My duty to his lordship, replied the clergyman, and tell him my name is Lewis; that living I have none; but my starving is in Wales. The bishop soon after presented him to a valuable benefice.

717. King John being shewn a stately monument erected over the grave of a nobleman who had rebelled against him, and being advised to deface it, answered, No, no, I wish all my enemies were as honourably buried.

718. One day James the Second, in the middle of his courtiers, made use of this assertion: I never knew a modest man make his way at court. To this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied: And please your majesty, whose fault is that? The king remained silent.

719. As two Irish soldiers were passing through Chippenham, one of them observing the Borough Arms (which have somewhat the appearance of a hatchment) over the Town-hall door, accosted his comrade with—Arrah, Pat, look up, what is that sign? Botheration, cried Pat, ’tis no sign at all, at all, ’tis only a sign that somebody’s dead that lives there.

720. The Duke of Mantua once observed to the celebrated Perron, that the court-jester was a fellow without either wit or humour. Your grace must pardon me, said Perron; I think he has a great deal of wit to live by a trade that he does not understand.

721. The facetious Mr. Bearcroft, told his friend Mr. Vansittart, Your name is such a long one, I shall drop the sittart, and call you Van, for the future. With all my heart, said he: by the same rule, I shall drop croft, and call you Bear!

722. In a life of St. Francis Navier, written by an Italian monk, it is said, That by one sermon he converted 10,000 persons in a desert island!

723. During the time that martial law was in force in Ireland, and the people were prohibited from having fire-arms in their possession, some mischievous varlets gave information that Mr. Scanlon, a respectable apothecary of Dublin, had three mortars in his house. A magistrate, with a party of dragoons in his train, surrounded the house, and demanded, in the king’s name, that the mortars should be delivered to him. Mr. Scanlon immediately produced them, adding, that as they were useless without the pestles, those also were at his majesty’s service.

724. At the battle of Dettingen, George II., who commanded in person, rode on a very unruly horse, which at one period ran away with him to a very considerable distance, until Ensign Trapand, afterwards General, seized the bridle, when the king dismounted, exclaiming, Now that I am on my legs, I am sure that I shall not run away. At the same battle, the Gens-d’armes, the flower of the French army, made a desperate charge on the British line opposed to them, and were repulsed. In their retreat they were attacked by the Scotch Greys, and forced into the river. Some years after, at a review of the above regiment, his majesty, after applauding their appearance, turned to the French ambassador, and asked him his opinion of the regiment, adding, in his exultant manner, that they were the best troops in the world. The ambassador replied, Has your majesty ever seen the Gens-d’armes? No, rejoined the king, but my Greys have.

725. A cause was once tried in one of the western counties which originated in a dispute about a pair of small-clothes. Upon this occasion the judge observed, That it was the first time he had ever known a suit made out of a pair of breeches.

726. Some soldiers once fell upon a watchman in a small town, in a lonely street, and took away his money and coat. He immediately repaired to the captain of the regiment, to complain of his misfortune. The captain asked him whether he had on the waistcoat he then wore when he was robbed by the soldiers. Yes, sir, replied the poor fellow. Then, my friend, rejoined the captain, I am can assure you they do not belong to my company; otherwise they would have left you neither waistcoat nor shirt.

727. A fashionable countess, asking a young nobleman which he thought the prettiest flowers, roses or tulips? He replied with great gallantry, Your ladyship’s two lips before all the roses in the world.

728. A gentleman, who did not live very happy with his wife, on the maid telling him that she was going to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding her from morning till night—Happy girl! said the master, I wish I could give warning too.

729. In a cause respecting a will, evidence was given to prove the testatrix, an apothecary’s widow, a lunatic; amongst other things, it was deposed, that she had swept a quantity of pots, lotions, potions, &c. into the street as rubbish. I doubt, said the learned judge, whether sweeping of physic into the street, be any proof of insanity. True, my lord, replied the counsel, but sweeping the pots away, certainly was.

730. Dr. South, once preaching before Charles II. (who was not very often in a church), observing that the monarch and all his attendants began to nod, and, as nobles are common men when they are asleep, some of them soon after snored, on which he broke off his sermon, and called out, Lord Lauderdale, let me entreat you to rouse yourself; you snore so loud that you will wake the king.

731. An Irishman, meeting an acquaintance, thus accosted him: Ah, my dear, who do you think I have just been speaking to? your old friend Patrick; faith, and he has grown so thin, I hardly knew him; to be sure, you are thin, and I am thin, but he is thinner than both of us put together.

732. An Irishman seeing a large quantity of potatoes standing in a market-place, observed to a by-stander, what a fine show of potatoes! Yes, they are, replied he, very fine potatoes: I see you have the name quite pat; how do you call them in your country? Ah, faith! returned the Irishman, we never call ’em; when we want any, we go and dig them.

733. During the recent unpleasant situation of affairs in Ireland, a watch-word was required of every passenger after a certain hour, with liberty for the sentinel to interrogate at will. A poor harmless Irishman, travelling from Kilmainy to Kilmore, being asked concerning his place of departure, and place of destination, answered, to the astonishment of the inquirer, I have been to kill-many, and am going to kill-more. That you shall not, said the sentinel, and immediately ran him through with his bayonet.

734. A blind man, who goes about the streets of London, whining out a long story about his misfortunes, has, amongst other prayers for the charitable and humane, the following curious wish:—May you never see the darkness which I now see!

735. Demonax, hearing one declaim miserably, said, You should practice more. The orator answering, I am always declaiming to myself—he replied, No wonder you do not improve, having so foolish an audience.

736. A Highlander, who sold brooms, went into a barber’s shop in Glasgow, to get shaved. The barber bought one of his brooms, and, after having shaved him, asked the price of it. Tippence, said the Highlander. No, no, said the shaver; I’ll give you a penny, and if that does not satisfy you, take your broom again. The Highlander took it, and asked what he had to pay. A penny, said Strap. I’ll gie ye a baubee, said Duncan, and if that dinna satisfy ye, pit on my beard again.

737. A lady asking a gentleman, How it was that most medical men dressed in black? he replied, The meaning is very obvious, as they are chiefly occupied in preparing grave subjects.

738. When the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the Revenge, on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very unusual an attitude in an English sailor, exciting his surprise and curiosity, he went and asked the man if he was afraid. Afraid! answered the honest tar, no! I was only praying that the enemy’s shot may be distributed in the same proportion as prize-money—the greatest part among the officers.

739. Indeed, indeed, friend Tom, said one citizen to another, you have spoiled the look of your nag by cropping his ears so close: what could be your reason for it? Why, friend Turtle, I will tell you—my horse had a strange knack of being frightened, and on very trifling occasions would prick up his ears as if he had seen the devil, and so, to cure him, I cropped him.

740. Macklin and Dr. Johnson disputing on a literary subject, Johnson quoted Greek. I do not understand Greek, said Macklin. A man who argues should understand every language, replied Johnson. Very well, said Macklin, and gave him a quotation from the Irish.

741. A crooked gentleman, on his arrival at Bath, was asked by another, what place he had travelled from? I came straight from London, replied he. Did you so? said the other, then you have been terribly warped by the way.

742. A countryman on a trial respecting the right of a fishery at a late Lancaster assizes, was cross-examined by Serjeant Cockel, who, among many other questions, asked the witness, Dost thou love fish? Yes, said the poor fellow, with a look of native simplicity, but I dinna like Cockle sauce with it. A roar of laughter of course followed.

743. A witness in a court, speaking in a very harsh and loud voice, the lawyer employed on the other side exclaimed, Fellow, why dost thou bark so furiously? Because, replied the rustic, I think I sees a thief.

744. When Mr. Canning was about giving up Gloucester Lodge, Brompton, he said to his gardener, as he took a farewell look of the grounds, I am sorry, Fraser, to leave this old place. Psha, sir, said George, don’t fret; when you had this old place, you were out of place; now you are in place, you can get both yourself and me a better place. The hint was taken, and old George provided for.

745. An Irish Baronet, walking out with a gentleman, was met by his nurse, who requested charity. The baronet exclaimed vehemently, I will give you nothing:—you played me a scandalous trick in my infancy. The old woman, in amazement, asked him what injury she had done to him? He answered, I was a fine boy, and you changed me!

746. Sir William B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals that were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, Sir, said he to the farmer, do you know that I have been to two universities, and at two colleges in each university? Well, sir, said the farmer, what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the more he sucked the greater calf he grew.

747. Sir W. Curtis was once present at a public dinner where the Dukes of York and Clarence formed part of the company. The president gave as a toast, The “Adelphi” (the Greek word for The Brothers). When it came to the worthy baronet’s turn to give a toast, he said, Mr. President, as you seem inclined to give public buildings, I beg leave to propose Somerset House.

748. One of his Majesty’s frigates being at anchor on a winter’s night, in a tremendous gale of wind, the ground broke, and she began to drive. The lieutenant of the watch ran down to the captain, awoke him from his sleep, and told him the anchor had come home. Well, said the captain, rubbing his eyes, I think the anchor is perfectly right; who would stay out such a night as this?

749. The Duke de Roquelaure meeting a very ugly country gentleman at court, who had a suit to offer, presented it to the king, and urged his request, saying, he was under the greatest obligations to the suitor. The king asked what were these great obligations? Ah! Sire, were it not for him I should be the ugliest man in your majesty’s dominions!

750. Archbishop Laud was a man of very short stature. Charles the First and the archbishop were one day seated at dinner, when it was agreed that Archy, the king’s jester, should say grace for them, which he did in this fashion: Great praise be given to God, but little Laud to the devil. For this sally Laud was weak enough to insist upon Archy’s dismissal.

751. Lord Chancellor Hardwicke was very fond of entertaining his visitors with the following story of his bailiff, who, having been ordered by his lady to procure a sow of a particular description, came one day into the dining-room, when full of company, proclaiming with a burst of joy he could not suppress, I have been at Royston fair, my lady, and I have got a sow exactly of your ladyship’s size.

752. An officer in Admiral Lord St. Vincent’s fleet, asking one of the captains, who was gallantly bearing down upon the Spanish fleet, whether he had reckoned the number of the enemy? No, replied the captain, it will be time enough to do that when they strike.

753. Sir Charles F—— received a severe injury one day in stepping into his cabriolet. Whereabouts were you hurt, Sir Charles? said Sir Peter L——; was it near the vertebræ? No, no, answered the baronet, it was near the Monument.

754. Fletcher, of Saltoun, is well known to have possessed a most irritable temper. His footman desiring to be dismissed, Why do you leave me? said he. Because, to speak the truth, I cannot bear your temper. To be sure, I am passionate, but my passion is no sooner on than it is off. Yes, replied the servant, but it is no sooner off than it is on.

755. King James I. mounting a horse that was unruly, cried, The de’el tak’ your saul, sirrah, an ye be na quiet, I’ll send ye to the five hundred kings in the House o’ Commons: they’ll sune tame ye.

756. You are a Jew, said one man to another; when I bought this pig of you it was to be a guinea, and now you demand five-and-twenty shillings, which is more than you asked. For that very reason, replied the other, I am no Jew, for a Jew always takes less than he asks.

757. The celebrated Hogarth was one of the most absent of men. Soon after he set up his carriage, he had occasion to pay a visit to the lord mayor. When he went the weather was fine; but he was detained by business till a violent shower of rain came on. Being let out of the mansion-house by a different door from that at which he had entered, he immediately began to call for a hackney-coach. Not one could be procured; on which Hogarth sallied forth to brave the storm, and actually reached his house in Leicester Fields without bestowing a thought on his own carriage, till Mrs. Hogarth, astonished to see him so wet and hurried, asked him where he had left it.

758. At a city feast one of the company was expatiating on the blessings of Providence. Ay, said the late Sir William Curtis, smacking his lips, it is a blessed place, sure enough; we get all our turtle from it.

759. When Cortez returned to Spain, he was coolly received by the emperor, Charles the Fifth. One day he suddenly presented himself to that monarch. Who are you? said the emperor, haughtily. The man, said Cortez, as haughtily, who has given you more provinces than your ancestors left you cities.

760. Bautru, a celebrated French wit, being in Spain, went to visit the famous library of the Escurial, where he found a very ignorant librarian. The king of Spain interrogated him respecting the library. ’Tis an admirable one, indeed, said he; but your majesty should give the man who has the care of it, the administration of your finances. Wherefore? asked the king. Because, replied Bautru, the man never touches the treasure that is confided to him.

761. Mademoiselle, said Louis XV. to a young lady belonging to his court, I am assured that you are very learned, and understand four or five continental tongues. I speak only two, sire, answered she, trembling. Which are they? German and Italian. Do you speak them fluently? Yes, sire, very fluently. Well, two are quite enough to drive a husband mad.

762. At a grand review by George III. of the Portsmouth fleet in 1789, there was a boy who mounted the shrouds with so much agility as to surprise every spectator. The king particularly noticed it, and said to Lord Lothian (an exceeding large man), Lothian, I have heard much of your agility, let us see you run up after that boy. Sire, replied Lord Lothian, it is my duty to follow your majesty.

763. A gentleman crossing a very narrow bridge, which was not railed on either side to secure passengers from falling, said to a countryman whom he met, Me-thinks this narrow causeway must be very dangerous, honest friend! pray are not people lost here sometimes? Lost! no, sir, replied the man, I never knew anybody lost here in my life; there have been several drowned, but they were always found again.

764. The Earl of P—— kept a number of swine at his seat in Wiltshire, and crossing the yard one day he was surprised to see the pigs gathered round one trough, and making a great noise. Curiosity prompted him to see what was the cause, and on looking into the trough he perceived a large silver spoon. Just at this crisis a servant maid came out, and began to abuse the pigs for crying so. Well they may, said his lordship, when they have got but one silver spoon among them all.

765. Pierre Zapata, court jester to Charles V., being one day made a butt of by his master, that prince, expecting some joke in return, said to his courtiers, I shall be soon paid for this. To which the jester replied, Not so soon as you imagine, sire; I am not prompt in paying those who are so tardy in paying others! This repartee was found the more lively, owing to Zapata and the officers of the court not having for a long time received their pensions.

766. David Hartley, member for Hull, during the coalition administration, was remarkable for the length and dulness of his speeches. On one occasion, having reduced the house from three hundred to about eighty sleepy hearers, by one of his harangues, just at the time it was supposed he would conclude, he moved that the Riot Act should be read, in order to prove one of his previous assertions. Burke, who had been bursting with impatience for full an hour and a half, and who was anxious to speak to the question, finding himself about to be so disappointed, rose, exclaiming, The Riot Act, my dear friend! the Riot Act! to what purpose? Don’t you see that the mob is already completely dispersed? Every person present was convulsed with laughter, except Hartley, who never changed countenance, and who still insisted that the Riot Act should be read by the clerk.

767. When Lord Townshend was lord lieutenant of Ireland, the then provost of Dublin lost no opportunity of repeating his solicitations for places. My dear Hely, said his lordship, you have a great many things, and I have nothing to give but a majority in the dragoons. I accept it then, replied the provost. What! you take a majority! answered his lordship, zounds, it is impossible; I only meant it as a joke. And I accept it, replied the provost, merely to show you how well I can take a joke.

768. A lunatic in Bedlam was asked how he came there? he answered, By a dispute. What dispute? The bedlamite replied, The world said I was mad; I said the world was mad; and they outvoted me.

769. When Sir Elijah Impey, the Indian judge, was on his passage home, as he was one day walking the deck, it having blown pretty hard the preceding day, a shark was playing by the side of the ship. Having never seen such an object before, he called to one of the sailors to tell him what it was. Why, replied the tar, I don’t know what name they know them by ashore, but here we call them sea-lawyers.

770. A gentleman observed one day to Mr. Henry Erskine, who was a great punster, that punning is the lowest sort of wit. It is so, answered he, and therefore the foundation of all.

771. A lady, who made pretensions to the most refined feelings, went to her butcher to remonstrate with him on his cruel practices. How, said she, can you be so barbarous as to put innocent little lambs to death? Why not, madam, said the butcher; you would not eat them alive, would you?

772. When Rochelle was besieged by the royalist armies in 1627, the inhabitants elected for their mayor, captain, and governor, Jean Guiton. This brave man at first modestly refused the office; but being pressed by all his fellow-townsmen, he took up a poignard and said, I will be mayor, since you wish it, but on the condition that I may be permitted to strike this poignard to the heart of the first who speaks of surrendering. I consent that you shall do the same to me, if I mention capitulating; and I demand that this poignard lie always ready on the table, when we assemble in the Town House. Cardinal de Richelieu, who conducted the operations of the siege, had raised a mole before the gate of the city, which shut up the entrance, and prevented provisions from reaching it. Some one saying to Guiton that many of the people had perished of hunger, and that death would soon sweep away all the inhabitants—Well, said he coolly, it will be sufficient if one remains to shut the gates.

773. Among the addresses presented upon the accession of James the First, was one from the ancient town of Shrewsbury, wishing his majesty might reign as long as the sun, moon, and stars endured. Faith, mon, said the king to the person who presented it, if I do, my son must reign by candlelight.

774. A Frenchman meeting an English soldier with a Waterloo medal, began sneeringly to animadvert on our government for bestowing such a trifle, which did not cost them three francs. That is true, to be sure, replied the hero, it did not cost the English government three francs, but it cost the French a Napoleon.

775. Collins the poet, though of a melancholy cast of mind, was by no means averse to a jeu de mot, or quibble. Upon coming into a town the day after a young lady, of whom he was fond, had left it, he said, How unlucky it was that he had come a day after the fair.

776. A negro in Jamaica was tried for theft, and ordered to be flogged. He begged to be heard, which being granted, he asked, If white man buy stolen goods, why he be no flogged too? Well, said the judge, so he would. Dere den, replied Mungo, is my massa; he buy tolen goods—he knew me tolen, and yet he buy me.

777. Some sailors, who had made a great deal of prize-money, once determined on purchasing a horse for the use of the mess; accordingly, one of them was pitched upon to buy the horse. As soon as this honest tar got on shore, he went to a noted horse-dealer, who brought out a very clever-looking horse for the sailor’s inspection, which he particularly recommended to him, as being a nice, short-backed horse. Ay, that may be, said the sailor, and that is the very reason he won’t do, for there is seven of us.

778. The late Dr. Glover, well known for being one of the best companions in the world, was returning from a tavern one morning early, across Covent Garden, when a chairman cried out, A chair! your honour, a chair! Glover took no notice, but called his dog, who was a good way behind, Scrub, Scrub, Scrub! Och, indeed! says the chairman, there goes a pair o’ ye! The facetious doctor gave his countryman half-a-crown for the merry witticism.

779. A nabob, in a severe fit of the gout, told his physician that he suffered the pains of the damned. The doctor coolly answered, What, already!

780. A surgeon aboard a ship of war used to prescribe salt water for his patients in all disorders. Having sailed one evening, on a party of pleasure, he happened, by some mischance, to be drowned. The captain, who had not heard of the disaster, asked one of the tars next day if he had heard anything of the doctor. Yes, answered Jack, after a turn of his quid, he was drowned last night in his medicine chest.

781. The celebrated Daniel Burgess, dining with a gentleman of his congregation, a large Cheshire cheese, uncut, was brought to table. Where shall I cut it? asked Daniel. Anywhere you please, Mr. Burgess, answered the gentleman. Upon which Daniel handed it to the servant, desiring him to carry it to his house, and he would cut it at home.

782. How does your new purchased horse answer? said the late Duke of Cumberland to George Selwyn. I really don’t know, replied George, for I never asked him a question.

783. A young fellow once came dancing, whistling, and singing into a room where old Colley Cibber sat coughing and spitting; and, cutting a caper, triumphantly exclaimed, There, you old put, what would you give to be as young as I am? Why, young man, replied he, I would agree to be almost as foolish.

784. A recruiting serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin in one of the streets in Manchester, with Come my lad, thou’lt fight for thy king, won’t thou? Voight for my king, answered Hodge, why, has he fawn out wi’ ony body?

785. After a battle lately between two celebrated pugilists, an Irishman made his way to the chaise, where the one who had lost the battle had been conveyed, and said to him, How are you, my good fellow? can you see at all with the eye that’s knocked out?

786. Two dinner-hunters meeting at Pall Mall a short time back, one inquired of the other how he had been for some days? He replied, In a very poor way indeed. I have not been able to eat anything at all. God bless me! said his hungry friend, that is extremely strange, you generally have a very good appetite, you must have been seriously ill. Oh! not at all, believe me, you misconceive my meaning; I could have eaten, but the reason why I have not been able to do so is, that no one has invited me to dinner.

787. Mr. Curran was once asked, what an Irish gentleman, just arrived in England, could mean by perpetually putting out his tongue? I suppose, replied the wit, he’s trying to catch the English accent.

788. Have you anything else old? said an English lady at Rome, to a boy of whom she had bought some modern antiques; Yes, said the young urchin, thrusting forward his hat, which had seen some dozen summers, my hat is very old. The lady rewarded his wit.

789. The late celebrated penurious H. Jennings, esq., who was reputed to be the richest commoner in England, when at the age of 92, was applied to by one of his tenants, then in the 80th year of his age, to renew his lease for a further term of 14 years, when, after some general observations, Mr. Jennings coolly said, Take a lease for 21 years, or you will be troubling me again!

790. Sancho, said a dying planter to his slave, for your faithful services, I mean now to do you an honour; and leave it in my will, that you shall be buried in our family ground. Ah, massa! replied Sancho, Sancho no good to be buried; Sancho rather have de money or de freedom; besides, if de devil should come in de dark to look for massa, he might mistake, and take de poor negar man.

791. Two gentlemen, the other day, conversing together, one asked the other, if ever he had gone through Euclid. The reply was, I have never been farther from Liverpool than Runcon, and I don’t recollect any place of that name.

792. Lady Rachel is put to bed, said Sir Boyle to a friend. What has she got? Guess. A boy? No; guess again. A girl? Who told you?

793. The wife of a Scotch laird being suddenly taken very ill, the husband ordered the servant to get a horse ready to go to the next town to the doctor; by the time, however, the horse was ready, and his letter to the doctor written, the lady recovered, on which he added the following postcript, and sent off the messenger: My wife being recovered, you need not come.

794. In a company, consisting of naval officers, the discourse happened to turn on the ferocity of small animals; when an Irish gentleman present stated his opinion to be, that a Kilkenny cat, of all animals, was the most ferocious; and added, I can prove my assertion by a fact within my own knowledge: I once, said he, saw two of these animals fighting in a timber yard, and willing to see the result of a long battle, I drove them into a deep saw-pit, and placing some boards over the mouth, left them to their amusement. Next morning I went to see the conclusion of the fight, and what d’ye think I saw? One of the cats dead probably, replied one of the company. No, by St. Patrick, there was nothing left in the pit but the two tails, and a bit of flue.

795. Dr. Wall, at a public dinner, was playing with a cork upon the table. What a dirty hand Dr. W. has, said Mr. E. I will bet you a bottle there is a dirtier in company, said the doctor, who had overheard. Done. Upon which he produced his other hand, and won the wager.

796. Dr. Ratcliffe being in a tavern one evening, a gentleman entered in great haste, almost speechless: Doctor, my wife is at the point of death, make haste, come with me. Not till I have finished my bottle, however, replied the doctor. The man, who happened to be a fine athletic fellow, finding entreaty useless, snatched up the doctor, hoisted him on his back, and carried him out of the tavern; the moment he set the doctor upon his legs, he received from him, in a very emphatic manner, the following threat: Now, you rascal, I’ll cure your wife in spite of you.

797. A little girl, who knew very well the painful anxiety which her mother had long suffered, during a tedious course of litigation, hearing that she had at last lost her law-suit, innocently cried out, O, my dear mama! how glad I am that you have lost that nasty law-suit, which used to give you so much trouble and uneasiness.

798. A gentleman, who possessed a small estate in Gloucestershire, was allured to town by the promises of a courtier, who kept him in constant attendance for a long while to no purpose; at last the gentleman, quite tired out, called upon his pretended friend, and told him that he had at last got a place. The courtier shook him very heartily by the hand, and said he was very much rejoiced at the event: But pray, sir, said he, where is your place? In the Gloucester coach, replied the other; I secured it last night; and so good-bye to you.

799. Mr. Rogers was requested by Lady Holland to ask Sir Philip Francis, whether he was the author of Junius. The poet approached the knight, Will your kindness, Sir Philip, excuse my addressing to you a single question? At your peril, sir! was the harsh and the laconic answer. The bard returned to his friends, who eagerly asked him the result of his application. I don’t know, he answered, whether he is Junius: but, if he be, he is certainly Junius Brutus.

800. A girl forced by her parents into a disagreeable match with an old man, whom she detested, when the clergyman came to that part of the service where the bride is asked if she consents to take the bridegroom for her husband, said, with great simplicity, Oh dear, no, sir; but you are the first person who has asked my opinion upon the affair.

801. It is well known that the veterans who preside at the examinations of surgeons, question minutely those who wish to become qualified. After answering very satisfactorily to the numerous inquiries made, a young gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his patient a profuse perspiration, what he would prescribe. He mentioned many diaphoretic medicines in case the first failed, but the unmerciful questioner thus continued, Pray, sir, suppose none of those succeeded, what step would you take next? Why, sir, enjoined the harassed young Esculapius, I would send him here to be examined; and if that did not give him a sweat, I do not know what would.

802. There is a celebrated reply of Mr. Curran to a remark of Lord Clare, who exclaimed at one of his legal positions, O! if that be law, Mr. Curran, I may burn my law books! Better read them, my lord, was the sarcastic and appropriate rejoinder.

803. Rock, the comedian, when at Covent Garden, advised one of the scene-shifters, who had met with an accident, to the plan of a subscription; and a few days afterwards he asked for the list of names, which, when he read it over, he returned. Why, Rock, said the poor fellow, won’t you give me something? Zounds, man, replied the other, didn’t I give you the hint.

804. When Mr. Hankey was in vogue as a great banker, a sailor had as part of his pay, a draft on him for fifty pounds. This the sailor thought an immense sum, and calling at the house, insisted upon seeing the master in private. This was at length acceded to; and when the banker and the sailor met together, the following conversation ensued. Sailor: Mr. Hankey, I’ve got a tickler for you—didn’t like to expose you before the lads.—Hankey: That was kind. Pray, what’s this tickler?—Sailor: Never mind, don’t be afraid, I won’t hurt you; ’tis a fifty.—Hankey: Ah! that’s a tickler, indeed.—Sailor: Don’t fret; give me five pounds now, and the rest at so much a week, I shan’t mention it to anybody.

805. A conceited coxcomb once said to a barber’s boy, Did you ever shave a monkey? Why no, sir, replied the boy, never; but if you will please to sit down, I will try.

806. An Irishman, a short time since, bid an extraordinary price for an alarum clock, and gave as a reason, That, as he loved to rise early, he had nothing to do but to pull the string, and he could wake himself.

807. A certain noble lord being in his early years much addicted to dissipation, his mother advised him to take example by a gentleman, whose food was herbs, and his drink water. What! madam, said he, would you have me to imitate a man who eats like a beast and drinks like a fish?

808. The town of Chartres was besieged by Henry IV., and at last capitulated. The magistrate of the town, on giving up his keys, addressed his majesty:—This town belongs to your highness by divine law, and by human law. And by cannon law, too, added Henry.

809. The Marquis St. André applied to Louvois, the war-minister of Louis XIV., for a small place then vacant. Louvois having received some complaints against the marquis, refused to comply. The nobleman, somewhat nettled, rather hastily said, If I were to enter again into the service, I know what I would do. And pray what would you do? inquired the minister in a furious tone. St. André recollected himself, and had the presence of mind to say, I would take care to behave in such a manner, that your excellency should have nothing to reproach me with. Louvois, agreeably surprised at this reply, immediately granted his request.

810. An Irish soldier, who came over with General Moore, being asked if he met with much hospitality in Holland? O yes, replied he, too much: I was in the hospital almost all the time I was there.

811. Henry IV. having bestowed the cordon bleu on a nobleman, at the solicitation of the Duke de Nevers, when the collar was put on, the nobleman made the customary speech, Sire, I am not worthy. I know it well, said the king, but I give you the order to please my cousin De Nevers.

812. Dr. A., physician at Newcastle, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, he dwelt so long on the sexton’s misconduct, as to raise his choler so as to draw from him this expression:—Sir, I was in hopes you would have treated my failings with more gentleness, or that you would have been the last man alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours!

813. When I have a cold in my head, said a gentleman in company, I am always remarkably dull and stupid. You are much to be pitied, then, sir, replied another, for I don’t remember ever to have seen you without.

814. A prisoner, at the bar of the Mayor’s Court, being called on to plead to an indictment for larceny, was told by the clerk to hold up his right hand. The man immediately held up his left hand. Hold up your right hand, said the clerk. Please your honour, said the culprit, still keeping up his left hand, I am left-handed.

815. In a large party, one evening, the conversation turned upon young men’s allowance at College. Tom Sheridan lamented the ill-judging parsimony of many parents, in that respect. I am sure, Tom, said his father, you need not complain; I always allowed you eight hundred a year. Yes, father, I must confess you allowed it; but then it was never paid.

816. When Dr. Parr’s preface to Bellendenus was the theme of general admiration, Horne Tooke said of it, rather contemptuously, It consists of mere scraps; alluding to the frequent use of the Ciceronean language. This sarcasm was mentioned to Parr, who afterwards meeting Tooke, said to him, So, Mr. Tooke, you think my Preface mere scraps? True, replied Tooke, with inimitable readiness, but you know, my dear Doctor, scraps are often tit-bits.

817. An old woman received a letter from the post-office, at New York. Not knowing how to read, and being anxious to know the contents, supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read the letter to her. He accordingly began and read: Charleston, June 23, 1826. Dear mother,—then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed—Oh, ’tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered!

818. When Kleber was in Egypt, he sustained, during five hours, with only two thousand men, the united efforts of twenty thousand. He was nearly surrounded, was wounded, and had only a narrow defile by which to escape. In this extremity, he called to him a chef de bataillon, named Chevardin, for whom he had a particular regard. Take, said he to him, a company of grenadiers, and stop the enemy at the ravine. You will be killed, but you will save your comrades. Yes, general, replied Chevardin. He gave his watch and his pocket-book to his servant, executed the order, and his death, in fact, arrested the enemy, and saved the French.

819. An Irish gentleman was relating in company that he saw a terrible wind the other night. Saw a wind! said another, I never heard of a wind being seen! But, pray, what was it like? Like to have blown my house about my ears, replied the first.

820. Dr. O’Connor, in his History of Poland, says that the Irish are long-lived; that some of them attain to the age of a hundred: in short, adds the doctor, they live as long as they can.

821. An Irish labourer bought a pair of shoes, and at the same time asked the shoemaker, if he could tell him what would prevent them going down on the sides? The shoemaker said, The only way to prevent that was to change them every morning. Pat accordingly returned the following morning, called for a pair of shoes, fitted them on, left the pair he bought the day before, and was walking out of the shop without further notice, when the shoemaker called to him to know what he was doing, telling him at the same time, that he had forgotten to pay for the shoes he had just bought. And is it what am I doing, you ask? Am not I doing what you told me yesterday, changing my shoes every morning?

822. Notwithstanding the perpetual contention between Rich and Garrick for the favour of the town, they lived upon very friendly terms. Rich had improved his house at Covent Garden, and made it capable of holding more. Garrick went with him to see it, and asked him in the theatrical phrase, How much money it would hold? Sir, said Rich, that question I am at present unable to answer, but were you to appear but one night on my stage, I should be able to tell you to the utmost shilling.

823. Sir William Curtis lately sat near a gentleman at a civic dinner, who alluded to the excellence of the knives, adding, that articles manufactured from Cast steel were of a very superior quality, such as razors, forks, &c. Aye, replied the facetious baronet, and soap too—there’s no soap like Castile soap.

824. A miller, who attempted to be witty at the expense of a youth of weak intellects, accosted him with, John, people say that you are a fool. To this, John replied, I don’t know that I am, sir; I know some things, sir, and some things I don’t know, sir. Well, John, what do you know? I know that millers always have fat hogs, sir. And what don’t you know? I don’t know whose corn they eat, sir.

825. When Dr. Ehrenberg (the Prussian traveller) was in Egypt, he said to a peasant, I suppose you are quite happy now; the country looks like a garden, and every village has its minaret. God is great! replied the peasant; our master gives with one hand and takes with two.

826. Frank Hayman was a dull dog. When he buried his wife, a friend asked him why he expended so much money on her funeral? Ah, sir, replied he, she would have done as much, or more, for me, with pleasure.

827. At a doctor’s shop, a few doors from Westminster Bridge, may be seen written up the following notification: — ——, surgeon, apothecary, and accoucheur to the king.

828. A certain bishop having recently conferred a piece of preferment on an able and amiable divine, resident near London, the gentleman wrote to his son, who was at school at Brighton, announcing the circumstance; adding, how extremely kind the bishop had been in giving him a stall: to which the youth returned the following answer: Dear father, I am extremely glad to hear of your preferment—now the bishop has given you another stall, perhaps you will keep a horse for me.

829. Some one seeing a beggar in his shirt, in winter, as brisk as another muffled up to the ears in furs, asked him how he could endure to go so? The man of many wants replied, Why, sir, you go with your face bare; I am all face. A good reply, for a regular beggar, whether taken in a jocose or a philosophical sense.

830. How do you find yourself, Mrs. Judy? said a St. Bartholomew’s surgeon, after taking off the arm of an Irish basket-woman. How do I find myself? why, without my arm—how the devil else should I?

831. A loving husband once waited on a physician to request him to prescribe for his wife’s eyes, which were very sore. Let her wash them, said the doctor, every morning, with a small glass of brandy. A few weeks after, the doctor chanced to meet the husband. Well, my friend, has your wife followed my advice? She has done everything in her power to do it, doctor, said the spouse, but she never could get the glass higher than her mouth.

832. Two Scotch clergymen, who were not so long-headed as they themselves imagined, met one day at the turning of a street, and ran their heads together unawares. The shock was rather stunning to one of them. He pulled off his hat, and laying his hand on his forehead, said, Sic a thump! my heed’s a’ ringing again. Nae wonder, said his companion, your heed was aye Boss (empty), that makes it ring; my heed disna ring a bit. How could it ring, said the other, seeing it is cracket? cracket vessels never ring.—Each described the other to a T.

833. I will save you a thousand pounds, said an Irishman to an old gentleman, if you don’t stand in your own light. How? You have a daughter, and you intend to give her ten thousand as a marriage portion. I do, sir. I will take her with nine thousand.

834. An Irishman telling what he called an excellent story, a gentleman observed, he had met with it in a book published many years ago. Confound those ancients, said Teague, they are always stealing one’s good thoughts.

835. A man of the name of Mark Noble, passing by the garrison at Hull, the sentinel, as usual, called out, Who goes there? Twenty shillings, answered Mark. That cannot be, said the sentinel. Why, a Mark and a Noble make twenty shillings, said Mark.

836. I live in Julia’s eyes, said an affected dandy in Colman’s hearing. I don’t wonder at it, replied George, since I observed she had a sty in them when I saw her last.

837. A veteran at the battle of Trafalgar, who was actively employed at one of the guns on the quarter-deck of the Britannia, had his leg shot off below the knee, and observed to an officer, who was ordering him to be conveyed to the cockpit, That’s but a shilling touch; an inch higher and I should have had my eighteen pence for it; alluding by this to the scale of pensions allowed for wounds, which, of course, increase according to their severity. The same hearty fellow, as they were lifting him on a brother tar’s shoulders, said to one of his friends, Bob, take a look for my leg, and give me the silver buckle out of my shoe; I’ll do as much for you, please God, some other time.

838. Some time after Louis XIV. had collated the celebrated Bossuet to the bishopric of Meaux, he asked the citizens how they liked their new bishop. Why, your majesty, we like him pretty well. Pretty well! why what fault have you to find with him? To tell your majesty the truth, we should have preferred having a bishop who had finished his education; for whenever we wait upon him, we are told that he is at his studies.

839. A boy who did not return after the holidays to Winchester school, by the time the master had charged him to do, returned at last loaded with a fine ham, as a bribe. The master took the ham, and told him, that he might give his compliments to his mother for the ham, but assured him it should not save his bacon, and flogged him.

840. Previous to a late general election, two candidates for a northern county met in a ball-room. Why do you sit still? said a friend, to one of them, whilst your opponent is tripping it so assiduously with the electors’ wives and daughters? The aspirant for parliamentary fame replied, I have no objection to his dancing for the county, if I am allowed to sit for it.

841. An uninformed Irishman, hearing the Sphinx alluded to in company, whispered to a friend, Sphinx! who is he now? A monster-man. Oh, a Munster man! I thought he was from Connaught, replied the Irishman, determined not to seem totally unacquainted with the family.

842. An Irish gentleman, sojourning at Mitchner’s Hotel, Margate, felt much annoyed at the smallness of the bottles, considering the high price of the wine. One evening, taking his glass with a friend in the coffee-room, the pompous owner came in, when the gentleman, after apologizing to Mitchner, told him he and his friend had laid a wager, which he must decide, by telling him what profession he was bred to. Mitchner, after some hesitation at the question, answered that he was bred to the law. Then, said the gentleman, I have lost, for I laid that you was bred a packer. A packer, sir! said Mitchner, swelling like a turkey-cock, what could induce you, sir, to think I was bred a packer? Why, sir, said the other, I judged so from your wine measures, for I thought no man but a skilful packer could put a quart of wine into a pint bottle.

843. Lady Carteret, wife of the lord lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift’s time, said to him, The air of this country is good. For God’s sake, madam, said Swift, don’t say so in England: if you do they will certainly tax it.

844. King Charles II. was reputed a great connoisseur in naval architecture. Being once at Chatham, to view a ship just finished, on the stocks, he asked the famous Killigrew, if he did not think he should make an excellent shipwright? who pleasantly replied, He always thought his majesty would have done better at any other trade than his own. No favourable compliment, but as true a one, perhaps, as ever was paid.

845. One day Dean Swift observed a great rabble assembled before the deanery door, in Kevin Street, and upon inquiring into the cause of it, he was told they were waiting to see the eclipse. He immediately sent for the beadle and told him what he should do. Away ran Davy for his bell, and after ringing it some time among the crowd, bawled out—O yes, O yes? all manner of persons here concerned are desired to take notice, that it is the Dean of St. Patrick’s good will and pleasure, that the eclipse be put off till this time to-morrow! so God save the king and his reverence the dean. The mob upon this dispersed; only some Irish wit, more shrewd and cunning than the rest, said, with great self-complacency, that they would not lose another afternoon, for that the dean, who was a very comical man, might take it into his head to put off the eclipse again, and so make fools of them a second time.

846. Some school-boys meeting a poor woman driving asses, one of them said to her, Good morning, mother of asses! Good morning, my children, was the reply.

847. A clergyman being at the point of death, a neighbouring brother, who had some interest with his patron, applied to him for the next presentation; upon which the former, who soon recovered, upbraided him with a breach of friendship, and said he wanted his death. No, no, doctor, said the other, you quite mistake: it was your living I wanted.

848. A gentleman in company complaining that he was very subject to catch cold in his feet, another, not over-loaded with sense, told him that might easily be prevented, if he would follow his directions. I always get, said he, a thin piece of lead out of an India chest, and fit it to my shoe for this purpose. Then, sir, said the former, you are like a rope-dancer’s pole, you have lead at both ends.

849. The late Duchess of Kingston, who was remarkable for having a very high sense of her own dignity, being one day detained in her carriage by a cart of coals that was unloading in the street, she leaned with both her arms upon the door, and asked the fellow, How dare you, sirrah, stop a woman of quality in the street? Woman of quality! replied the man. Yes, fellow, rejoined her grace, don’t you see my arms upon my carriage? Yes, I do, indeed, said he, and a pair of plaguy coarse arms they are.

850. A worthy churchwarden of Canterbury lately excused himself, by note, from a dinner party, by alleging that he was engaged in taking the senses (census) of his parish.

851. On the day for renewing the licences of the publicans in the West Riding of Yorkshire, one of the magistrates said to an old woman who kept a little alehouse, that he trusted she did not put any pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she replied, There is nought pernicious put into our barrels but the exciseman’s stick.

852. Some soldiers at Chelsea were bragging of the privations they had often undergone; when one of them said, he had slept for weeks on rough boards, with a wooden pillow; the other observed, that was a comfort to what he endured, having slept night after night, in Italy, on marble. An Irish fisherman, who was in company, observed, It was all bother and nonsense, for he had often slept on a bed of oysters.

853. A droll fellow, who got a livelihood by fiddling at fairs and about the country, was one day met by an acquaintance that had not seen him a great while, who accosted him thus: Bless me! what, are you alive? Why not? answered the fiddler; did you send anybody to kill me? No, replied the other, but I was told you were dead. Ay, so it was reported, it seems, said the fiddler, but I knew it was false as soon as I heard it.

854. Mr. M——, the artist, was reading the paper the other day, while his boy, who had the daily task of preparing his palette for him, was rubbing in the various tints, when the boy suddenly stopped, and, with an anxious look, said, Pray, sir, I have heard so much about it, will you have the goodness to tell me what is the Color o’ Morbus?

855. Milton, the British Homer, and prince of modern poets, in his latter days, and when he was blind—(a thing some men do with their eyes open), married a shrew. The Duke of Buckingham one day, in Milton’s hearing, called her a rose. I am no judge of flowers, observed Milton, but it may be so, for I feel the thorns daily.

856. One of the wooden mitres, carved by Gui. Gibbon, over one of the stalls, in the cathedral church of Canterbury, happening to become loose, Jessy White, the surveyor of that edifice, inquired of the dean whether he should make it fast; for, perhaps, said Jessy, it may fall on your reverence’s head. Well, Jessy, suppose it does, answered the humorous Cantab, suppose it does fall on my head, I don’t know that a mitre falling on my head would hurt it.

857. A gentleman of Magdalen College, whose name was Nott, returning late from his friend’s rooms in rather a merry mood, and, not quite able to preserve his centre of gravity, in his way home, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his name and college. I am Nott of Maudlin, was the hiccuping reply. Sir, said the proctor, in an angry tone, I did not ask of what college you are not, but of what college you are. I am Nott of Maudlin, was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, whither having arrived, he demanded of the porter whether he knew the gentleman. Know him, sir, said the porter, yes, it is Mr. Nott, of this college. The proctor now perceived his error in not understanding the gentleman, and, laughing heartily at the affair, wished him a good night.

858. Bishop Sherlock and Hoadly were both fresh-men of the same year, at Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were first lectured, was Tully’s Offices, and it so happened, one morning, that Hoadly received a compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing. Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his rival (for such they then were), and, thinking to bore Hoadly by the remark, said, when they left the lecture-room, Ben, you made good use of L’Estrange’s translation to-day. Why, no, Tom, retorted Hoadly, I did not, for I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which is the only one in the college.

859. A cockney sportsman, being out one day amusing himself with shooting, happened to fire through a hedge, on the other side of which was a man, standing or leaning, no matter which. The shot passed through the man’s hat, but missed the bird. Did you fire at me, sir? he hastily asked. O no, sir, said the shrewd sportsman, I never hit what I fire at.

860. Some persons broke into the stables belonging to a troop of horse, which was quartered at Carlisle, and wantonly docked the tail of every horse close to the rump. The captain, relating the circumstance next day, to a brother officer, said he was at a loss what to do with the horses. I fancy you must dispose of them by wholesale, was the reply. Why by wholesale? Because you’ll certainly find it impossible to retail them.

861. At one of the Holland House Sunday dinner-parties, a few years ago, Crockford’s club, then forming, was talked of; and the noble hostess observed, that the female passion for diamonds was surely less ruinous than the rage for play among men. In short, you think, said Mr. Rogers, that clubs are worse than diamonds. This joke excited a laugh, and when it had subsided, Sydney Smith wrote the following impromptu sermonet—most appropriately on a card;

862. The Duke of Clarence jocularly observing to a captain of the navy, that he heard he read the Bible, wished to know what he had learned from it. The captain replied that there was one part of Scripture, at least, which he well remembered, and thought it contained an admirable lesson. What is that? cried the duke. Not to put my trust in princes! your royal highness.

863. Mr. Abrahams, said Lord Mansfield, this man is your son, and cannot go in the same bail bond. He ish not my son, my lord. Why, Mr. Abrahams, here are twenty in court will prove it. I will shwear, my lord, he ish not. Take care, Abrahams, or I will send you to the King’s Bench. Now, my lord, if your lordship pleases, I will tell you the truth. Well, I shall be glad to hear the truth from a Jew, replied Lord Mansfield. My lord, I wash in Amsterdam two years and three quarters; when I came home I findish this lad; now the law obliges me to maintain him; and consequently, my lord, he ish but my son-in-law. Well, rejoined Lord Mansfield, this is the best definition of a son-in-law I ever heard.

864. An Irishman being told that a friend of his had put his money in the stocks, Well, said he, I never had a farthing in the stocks, but I have had my legs often enough in them.

865. Dr. Fuller having requested one of his companions, who was a bon vivant, to make an epitaph for him, received the following, with the conceit of which he always expressed himself much pleased—“Here lies Fuller’s earth.”

866. Two Irish seamen being on board a ship of war that was lying at Spithead, one of them, looking on Haslar Hospital, observed, How much that building puts me in mind of my father’s stables. Arrah, my honey, cried the other, come with me, and I will shew you what will put you in mind of your father’s house. So saying, he led him to the pig-sty. There, said he, does not that put you in mind of your father’s parlour?

867. At a violent opposition election for Shrewsbury, in the reign of George I., a half-pay officer, who was a non-resident burgess, was, with some other voters, brought down from London at the expense of Mr. Kynaston, one of the candidates. The old campaigner regularly attended and feasted at the houses which were opened for the electors in Mr. Kynaston’s interest, until the last day of the polling, when, to the astonishment of the party, he gave his vote to his opponent. For this strange conduct he was reproached by his quondam companions, and asked, what could have induced him to act so dishonourable a part, and become an apostate. An apostate! answered the old soldier—an apostate! by no means. I made up my mind about whom I should vote for before I set out upon this campaign; but I remembered the duke’s constant advice to us when I served with our army in Flanders—Always quarter upon the enemy, my lads; always quarter upon the enemy.

868. One of those Hibernian lapidaries to whose skill the London pavements are so highly indebted, was tried at the Old Bailey one day for biting off the nose of a Welchman, a brother paviour, in a quarrel, at their work. The unfortunate Cambrian appeared in court with his noseless countenance, and swore the fact against the prisoner; but Dennis stoutly denied it, and called his gossip, another Hibernian paviour, to give evidence in his defence. This witness, with great apparent simplicity, stated, That to be sure his gossip and the other man had a little bit of a scrimmage, and both fell together; that the Welchman made several attempts to bite his gossip’s face, and at last he made a twist of his mouth, and bit off his own nose in a mistake.

869. Counsellor Crips, of Cork, being on a party at Castle Martyr, the seat of the Earl of Shannon, in Ireland, one of the company, who was a physician, strolled out before dinner into the church-yard. Dinner being served up, and the doctor not returned, some of the company were expressing their surprise where he could be gone to. Oh, said the counsellor, he is but just stepped out to pay a visit to some of his old patients.

870. Sir John Davis, a Welchman, in the reign of King James I., wrote a letter to the king in these words: Most mighty Prince! the gold mine that was lately discovered in Ballycurry turns out to be a lead one.

871. An Irish gentleman in company, seeing that the lights were so dim as only to render the darkness visible, called out lustily, Here, waiter, let me have a couple of daycent candles, just that I may see how these others burn.

872. An Irishman lately arriving in London, and passing through Broad Street, observed a glass globe, containing some fine large gold fish, he exclaimed—And sure, this is the first time in my life that I have seen live red herrings.