JOE MILLER’S JESTS. (continued 2)

225. A parson in his sermon having vehemently inveighed against usury, and said, That lending money upon use was as great a sin as wilful murder; having some time after an occasion to borrow twenty pounds himself, and coming to one of his parishioners with that intent, the other asked him, If he would have him guilty of a crime he had spoke so much against, and lend out money upon use? No, said the parson, I would have you lend it gratis. Ay, replied the other, but in my opinion, if lending money upon use be as bad as wilful murder, lending it gratis can be little better than felo de se.

226. One asked his friend, Why he, being so tall and large a man himself, had married so small a wife. Why, friend, said he, I thought you had known, that of all evils we should choose the least.

227. A gentleman threatening to go to law, was dissuaded from it by his friends, who desired him to consider, for the law was chargeable: I don’t care, replied the other, I will not consider, I will go to law. Right, said his friend, for if you go to law, I am sure you don’t consider.

228. One good housewife, who was a notable woman at turning and torturing her old rags, was recommending her dyer to another, as an excellent fellow in his way: That’s impossible, said the other, for I hear he is a great drunkard, and beats his wife, and runs in every body’s debt. What then? said the first, he may never be the worse dyer for all these things. No! answered the other, can you imagine so bad a liver can die well?

229. A poor fellow, growing rich on a sudden, from a very mean and beggarly condition, and taking great state upon him, was met one day by one of his poor acquaintance, who accosted him in a very humble manner, but having no notice taken of him, cried out, Nay, it is no great wonder that you should not know me, when you have forgot yourself.

230. Marcus Livius, who was governor of Tarentum when Hannibal took it, being envious to see so much honour done to Fabius Maximus, said one day in open senate, that it was himself, not Fabius Maximus, that was the cause of the retaking the city of Tarentum. Fabius said smilingly, Indeed thou speakest truth, for hadst thou not lost it, I should never have retaken it.

231. One asking another which way a man might use tobacco to have any benefit from it: By setting up a shop to sell it, said he, for certainly there is no profit to be had from it any other way.

232. Ben Jonson being one night at the Devil tavern, there was a country gentleman in the company, who interrupted all other discourse, with an account of his land and tenements; at last Ben, able to bear it no longer, said to him, What signifies your dirt and your clods to us? where you have one acre of land I have ten acres of wit. Have you so, said the countryman, good Mr. Wiseacre? This unexpected repartee from the clown, struck Ben quite mute for a time: Why, how now, Ben, said one of the company, you seem to be quite flung? I never was so pricked by a hobnail before, replied he.

233. A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer for money: the lawyer bid the boy tell his master, that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must needs have the money. Didst tell thy master, said the lawyer, that I was not running away? Yes, sir, answered the boy, but he bad me tell you that he was.

234. A smart fellow thinking to show his wit one night at the tavern, called to the drawer, Here, Mercury, said he, take away this bottle full of emptiness. Said one of the company, Do you speak that, Jack, of your own head?

235. An extravagant young fellow, rallying a frugal country ’squire, who had a good estate, and spent but little of it, said, among other things, I’ll warrant you that plate-buttoned suit was your great-grandfather’s. Yes, said the other, and I have my great-grandfather’s lands too.

236. A gentleman having sent for his carpenter’s servant to knock a nail or two in his study, the fellow, after he had done, scratched his ears, and said, He hoped the gentleman would give him something to make him drink. Make you drink? says the gentleman, there’s a pickle herring for you, and if that won’t make you drink I’ll give you another.

237. Alphonso, king of Naples, sent a moor, who had been his captive a long time, to Barbary, with a considerable sum of money to purchase horses, and to return by such a time. There was about the king a buffoon, or jester, who had a table-book, wherein he used to register any remarkable absurdity that happened at court. The day the moor was dispatched to Barbary, the said jester waiting on the king at supper, the king called for his table-book, in which the jester kept a regular journal of absurdities. The king took the book, and read, how Alphonso, king of Naples, had sent Beltram the moor, who had been a long time his prisoner, to Morocco, his own country, with so many thousand crowns to buy horses. The king turned to the jester, and asked, why he inserted that? Because, said he, I think he will never come back to be a prisoner again; and so you have lost both man and money. But, if he does come, says the king, then your jest is marred: No, sir, replies the buffoon, for if he should return, I will blot out your name, and put in his for a fool.

238. A sharper of the town seeing a country gentleman sit alone at an inn, and thinking something might be made of him, he went and sat near him, and took the liberty to drink to him. Having thus introduced himself, he called for a paper of tobacco, and said, Do you smoke, sir? Yes, says the gentleman, very gravely, any one that has a design upon me.

239. A certain country farmer was observed never to be in a good humour when he was hungry; for this reason, his wife was fain carefully to watch the time of his coming home, and always have dinner ready on the table; one day he surprised her, and she had only time to set a mess of broth ready for him, who, soon, according to custom, began to open his pipes, and maundering over his broth, forgetting what he was about, burnt his mouth to some purpose. The good wife seeing him in that sputtering condition, comforted him as follows: See what it is now, had you kept your breath to cool your pottage, you had not burnt your mouth, John.

240. The same woman taking up dinner once on a Sunday, it happened that the lickerish plough-boy, who lay under a strong and violent temptation, pinched off the corner of a plum dumpling; which his dame espying, in a great rage, laid the wooden ladle over his pate, saying, Can’t you stay, sirrah, till your betters are served before you? The boy clapping his hand on his head, and seeing the blood come, ’tis very hard, said he. So it is, sirrah, said she, or it had not broke my ladle.

241. Three gentlemen being at a tavern, whose names were Moore, Strange, and Wright: said the last, There is but one knave in company, and that is Strange: Yes, answered Strange, there is one Moore: Ay, said Moore, that’s Wright.

242. A Scotch bagpiper travelling in Ireland, opened his wallet by a wood side, and sat down to dinner; no sooner had he said grace, but three wolves came about him. To one he threw bread, to another meat, till his provender was all gone—At length he took up his bagpipes, and began to play, at which the wolves ran away. The deel faw me, said Sawney, an I had kenned you loved music so, you should have had it before dinner.

243. Metullus Nepos, asking Cicero, the Roman orator, in a scoffing manner, Who was his father? Cicero replied, Thy mother has made that question harder for thee to answer.

244. The archduke of Austria having been forced to raise the siege of a town called Grave, in Holland, and to retreat privately in the night; Queen Elizabeth said to his secretary here,—What, your master is risen from the grave without sound of trumpet.

245. Soon after the death of a great officer, who was judged to have been no great advancer of the king’s affairs, the king said to his solicitor Bacon, who was kinsman to that lord: Now, Bacon, tell me truly, what say you of your cousin? Mr. Bacon answered, Since your Majesty charges me to speak, I will deal plainly with you, and give you such a character of him, as though I was to write his history. I do think he was no fit counsellor to have made your affairs better, yet he was fit to have kept them from growing worse. On my soul, quoth the king, in the first thou speakest like a true man; and in the latter like a kinsman.

246. The same king in one of his progresses asked, How far it was to such a town? They told him six miles and a half. He alighted out of his coach, and went under the shoulder of one of the led horses. When some asked his majesty what he meant? I must stalk, says he, for yonder town is shy, and flies me.

247. Lawyers and chambermaids, said a wicked young fellow, are like Balaam’s ass, they never speak unless they see an angel.

248. One being at his wife’s funeral, and the bearers going pretty quick along, he cried out to them, Don’t go so fast, what need we make a toil of pleasure?

249. A country ’squire being in company with his mistress, and wanting his servant, cried out, Where is the blockhead? Upon your shoulders, said the lady.

250. A philosopher being asked, why learned men frequented rich men’s houses, but rich men seldom visited the learned, answered, That the first know what they want, but the latter do not.

251. Among the articles exhibited to King Henry by the Irish, against the Earl of Kildare, the last concluded thus:—And finally all Ireland cannot rule the earl. Then said the king, The earl shall rule all Ireland: and so made him deputy.

252. Plutarch used to say that men of small capacities put into great places, like statues set upon great pillars, are made to appear the less by their advancement.

253. A young fellow being told that his mistress was married; to convince him of it, the young gentleman who told him, said, he had seen the bride and bridegroom. Prithee, said the forsaken swain, do not call them by those names; I cannot bear it. Shall I call them dog and cat? answered the other. Oh, no, for heaven’s sake, replied the first, that sounds ten times more like man and wife.

254. A sea officer, who for his courage in a former engagement, where he had lost his leg, had been preferred to the command of a good ship; in the heat of the next engagement, a cannon-ball took off his wooden deputy, so that he fell upon the deck: A seaman thinking he had been fresh wounded, called out for a surgeon. No, no, said the captain, the carpenter will do this time.

255. A gentleman saying he had bought the stockings he had on in Wales. Really, sir, answered another, I thought so, for they seemed to be Well-chose, i. e. Welch hose.

256. A nobleman, in a certain king’s reign, being appointed groom of the stole, his majesty took notice to him of the odd sort of perukes he used to wear, and desired that he would now get something that was graver, and more suitable to his age, and the high office he had conferred on him. The next Sunday his lordship appeared at court in a very decent peruke, which being observed by another nobleman, famous for the art of punning, he came up to him, and told him, That he was obliged to alter his locks now he had got the key.[B]

257. A gentleman named Ball being about to purchase a cornetcy in a regiment of horse, was presented to the colonel for approbation, who being a nobleman, declared he did not like the name, and would have no Balls in his regiment: Nor powder neither, said the gentleman, if your lordship could help it.

258. Two Irishmen having travelled on foot from Chester to Barnet, were confoundedly tired and fatigued with their journey; and the more so, when they were told they had still about ten miles to London. By my soul and St. Patrick, cries one of them, it is but five miles apiece, let’s e’en walk on.

259. Mr. Pope, being at dinner with a noble duke, had his own servant in livery waiting on him: The duke asked him, Why he, that eat mostly at other people’s tables, should be such a fool as to keep a fellow in livery only to laugh at him? ’Tis true, answered the poet, he kept but one to laugh at him; but his grace had the honour to keep a dozen.

260. An Irish fellow, vaunting of his birth and family, affirmed, That when he came first to England, he made such a figure, that the bells rang through all the towns he passed to London: Ay, said a gentleman in company, I suppose that was because you came up in a waggon with a bell-team.

261. One meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a little, asked him, Where he lived? Where do I live—said he, I don’t know; but I starve down towards Wapping and that way.

262. Two country attornies overtaking a waggoner on the road, and thinking to break a joke upon him, asked him, Why his fore-horse was so fat and the rest so lean? The waggoner knowing them to be limbs of the law, answered them, That his fore-horse was his lawyer and the rest were his clients.

263. At a cause tried at the King’s Bench bar, a witness was produced who had a very red nose, and one of the counsel, a good impudent fellow, being desirous to put him out of countenance, called out to him, after he was sworn—Well, let’s hear what you have to say with your copper nose. Why, sir, said he, by the oath I have taken, I would not exchange my copper nose for your brazen face.

264. A gentleman having received some abuse, in passing through one of the Inns of Chancery, from some of the impudent clerks, he was advised to complain to the Principal, which he did accordingly; and coming before him, accosted him in the following manner: I have been grossly abused here by some of the rascals of this house, and understanding you are the principal, I am come to acquaint you with it.

265. An old roundhead in Oliver’s time, complaining of some heavy rain that fell, said a cavalier, standing by, What unreasonable fellows you roundheads are, who will neither be pleased when God rains, nor when the king reigns.

266. A young curate, with more pertness than wit or learning, being asked in company, How he came to take it into his head to enter into the ministry of the church? Because, said he, the Lord had need of me. That may be, replied a gentleman present, for I have often read the Lord had once need of an ass.

267. A very ignorant, but very foppish young fellow, going into a bookseller’s shop with a relation, who went thither to buy something he wanted, seeing his cousin look into a particular book, and smile, asked him, What there was in that book that made him smile? Why, answered the other, this book is dedicated to you, cousin Jack. Is it so? said he, pray let me see it, for I never knew before that I had had such an honour done me: upon which, taking it into his hands, he found it to be Perkin’s Catechism, dedicated to all ignorant persons.

268. There was a short time when Mr. Handel, notwithstanding his merit, was deserted, and his opera at the Hay-Market neglected almost by everybody but his Majesty, for that of Porpora at Lincoln’s-Inn-Fields; at this time another nobleman asking the earl of C——d if he would go one night to the opera? My lord asked, Which? Oh, to that in the Hay-Market, answered the other. No, my lord, said the earl, I have no occasion for a private audience of his majesty to-night.

269. Some scholars, on a time, going to steal conies, by the way they warned a novice amongst them to make no noise, for fear of spoiling their game: but he no sooner espied some, but he cried out aloud, Ecce conniculi multi. Whereupon the conies ran with all speed into their burrows; upon which his fellows chiding him—Who, said he, would have thought that the conies understood Latin?

270. A drunken fellow having sold all his goods, to maintain himself at his pot, except his feather bed, at last made away with that too; when being reproved for it by some of his friends; Why, said he, I am very well, thank God, and why should I keep my bed?

271. An old lady meeting a Cambridge man, asked him, How her nephew behaved himself? Truly, madam, says he, he’s a brave fellow, and sticks close to Catherine Hall—[name of a college]. I vow, said she, I feared as much, he was always hankering after the girls from a boy.

272. A gentleman being arrested for a pretty large sum of money, sent to an acquaintance, who had often professed a great friendship for him, to beg he would bail him; the other told him, that he had promised never to be bail for anybody; but with much kindness said, I’ll tell you what you may do, you may get somebody else if you can.

273. When king Charles the First was in great anxiety about signing the warrant for the Earl of Strafford’s execution, saying, it was next to death to part with so able a minister, and so loyal a subject; a certain favorite of the king’s standing by, soon resolved his majesty, by telling him, that in such an exigence, a man had better part with his crutch than his leg.

274. Some rattling young fellows from London putting into a country inn, seeing a plain rough-hewn farmer there; said one of them, You shall see me dumb-found that countryman. So coming up to him, he gave his hat a twirl round, saying, there’s half a crown for you, countryman. The former, after recovering a little from his surprise, reared his oaken towel, and surveying him very gravely, gave him two very handsome drubs on the shoulder, saying, I thank you for your kindness, friend, there’s two shillings of your money again.

275. One of the aforesaid rattling blades having been once a little kicked for his impertinence, demanded of his benefactor with a bluff face, Whether he was in earnest, or not? Yes, faith, said the other, in very good earnest, laying his hand on his sword. Say you so? replied he, I am glad of that with all my heart, for I don’t like such jests.

276. A merchant in London, having bought a pretty estate in Surrey, and afterwards two or three more fields adjoining to it, a person speaking of his purchase to a friend, said, he did not think Mr. Such-a-one had been in circumstances to make so large a purchase. O dear! said the other, you don’t know how considerable a man he is; why, since he bought that estate in Surrey, he has bought Moor-fields. That must be a great purchase, indeed, replied the other.

277. The old earl of B——d, one of the most facetious men of his time, being once in waiting at court, made an excuse one morning to leave the king, assuring his majesty he would be back to wait on him before 12 o’clock, there being great occasion for his attendance. The king had inquired for him several times, his lordship having exceeded his time: at length he came, and going to the clock in the drawing-room, heard it strike one; at which, being a little enraged, he up with his cane and broke the glass of the clock. The king asked him afterwards, What made him break the clock? I am sure, says my lord, your majesty won’t be angry when you hear. Prithee, said the king, what was it? Why blood, my liege, the clock struck first.

278. A person having been put to great shifts to get money to support his credit; some of his creditors at length sent him word, that they would give him trouble. Pshaw! said he, I have had trouble enough to borrow the money, and had not need be troubled to pay it again.

279. Queen Elizabeth seeing a gentleman in her garden, who had not felt the effect of her favours so soon as he expected, looking out of her window, said to him in Italian, What does a man think of, Sir Edward, when he thinks of nothing? After a little pause, he answered, He thinks, madam, of a woman’s promise. The queen shrunk in her head, but was heard to say, Well, Sir Edward, I must not confute you: anger makes dull men witty, but it keeps them poor.

280. A lady whose beauty was very much upon the decline, having sent her picture to a gentleman that was to come a wooing to her, bid her chambermaid, when she was coming to dress her, take care in repairing her decays a little, or she should not look like her picture. I warrant you, madam, says she, laying on the Bavarian red, a little art once made your picture like you, now a little of the same art shall make you like your picture; your picture must sit to you.

281. A termagant sempstress coming to dun a young fellow at his lodgings, where he was terribly afraid to have his landlady hear; she began to open her quail pipes at a great rate, but was presently seized with a fit of coughing. Lord, says she, I have got such a cold I can hardly speak. Nay, as to that, says he, I don’t care how softly you speak. Don’t tell me of speaking softly, said she, let me have my money, or I’ll take the law of you. Do, says he, then you’ll be forced to hold your tongue, for the law allows nobody to scold in their own cause.

282. Some persons talking of a fine lady that had many suitors: Well, says one of them, you may talk of this great man and that great man, of this lord and t’other knight; but I know a fellow without a foot of estate, that will carry her before them all. Pho, that’s impossible, says another, unless you mean her coachman.

283. Count Gondomar, the Spanish ambassador here, in Queen Elizabeth’s time, sent a compliment to the Lord St. Albans, whom he lived on no good terms with, wishing him a merry Easter. My lord thanked the messenger, and said, he could not requite the count better than by wishing him a good Pass-over.

284. A certain philosopher, when he saw men in a hurry to finish any matter, used to say, Stay a little, that we may make an end the sooner.

285. Sir Francis Bacon was wont to say of a passionate man, who suppressed his anger, That he thought worse than he spoke; and of an angry man, that would vent his passion in words, That he spoke worse than he thought.

286. The same gentleman used to say, that power in an ill man was like the power of a witch—he could do harm, but no good; as the magicians, said he, could turn water into blood, but could not turn blood into water again.

287. He was likewise wont to commend much the advice of a plain old man at Buxton, who sold brooms. A proud lazy young fellow came to him for a besom upon trust, to whom the old man said, Friend, hast thou no money? Borrow of thy back and of thy belly, they’ll never ask thee for’t; I shall be dunning thee every day.

288. When recruits were raising for the late wars, a serjeant told his captain that he had got him a very extraordinary man: Ay, says the captain, prithee what’s he? A butcher, sir, replied the serjeant, and your honour will have double service of him, for we had two sheep-stealers in the company before.

289. A harmless country fellow having commenced a suit against a gentleman that had beat down his fences, and spoiled his corn; when the assizes grew near, his adversary bribed his only evidence to keep out of the way: Well, says the fellow, I’m resolved I’ll up to town, and the king shall know it. The king know it! said his landlord, who was an attorney, prithee what good will that do you, if the man keeps out of the way? Why, sir, said the poor fellow, I have heard you say, the king could make a man a-peer at any time.

290. One speaking of an agreeable young fellow, said, He had wit enough to call his good nature in question, and yet good nature enough to make his wit suspected.

291. A person seeing a tolerably pretty fellow, who, by the help of a tailor and sempstress had transformed himself into a beau, said, What pity it is to see one, whom nature has made no fool, so industrious to pass for an ass. Rather, said another, one should pity those whom nature abuses than those who abuse nature; besides, the town would be robbed of one-half of its diversion, if it should become a crime to laugh at a fool.

292. At the masquerade in the Hay-Market, one appearing in the habit of a bishop, another, for the jest’s sake, bowed his knee to ask a blessing. The former laying his hand on his head, very demurely said, Prithee rise, there’s nothing in’t indeed, friend.

293. Of all coxcombs, the most intolerable in conversation is your fighting fool, and your opiniated wit; the one is always talking to show his parts, and the other always quarrelling to show his valour.

294. One said of a fantastical fellow, that he was the folio of himself, bound up in his own calf’s leather, and gilt about the edges.

295. A decayed gentleman coming to one who had been a servant, to borrow money of him, received a very scurvy answer, concluding in the following words: Pray, sir, what do you trouble me for? I’ve no money to lend. I’m sure you lie, said the gentleman, for if you were not rich, you durst not be so saucy.

296. The Roman Catholics make a sacrament of matrimony, and, in consequence of that notion, pretend that it confers grace. The Protestant divines do not carry matters so high, but say, This ought to be understood in a qualified sense; and that marriage so far confers grace, as that, generally speaking, it brings repentance, which everybody knows is one step towards grace.

297. An extravagant young gentleman, to whom the title of lord, and a good estate, was just fallen, being a little harassed by duns, bid his steward tell them, That whilst he was a private gentleman he had leisure to run in debt, but being now advanced to a higher rank, he was too busy to pay them.

298. A gentleman complaining of a misfortune, said it was all along with that drunken sot his man, who could not keep himself sober. With your worship, said the fellow, I know very few drunken sots that do keep themselves sober.

299. A certain Irishman making strong love to a lady of great fortune, told her, He could not sleep for dreaming of her.

300. A plain country yeoman bringing his daughter to town, said, for all she was brought up altogether in the country, she was a girl of sense. Yes, said a pert young female in the company, country sense. Why, faith, madam, says the fellow, country sense is better sometimes than London impudence.

301. I’ll swear, said a gentleman to his mistress, you are very handsome. Pho, said she, so you’d say, though you did not think so. And so you’d think, answered he, though I should not say so.

302. A gentleman in King Charles the Second’s time, who had paid a tedious attendance at court for a place, and had a thousand promises, at length resolved to see the king himself; so getting himself introduced, he told his majesty what pretensions he had to his favour, and boldly asked him for the place just then vacant. The king hearing his story, told him he had just given the place away. Upon which the gentleman made a very low obeisance to the king, and thanked him extremely; which he repeated often. The king, observing how over-thankful he was, called him again, and asked the reason why he gave him such extraordinary thanks, when he had denied his suit. The rather, an’t please your majesty, replied the gentleman; your courtiers have kept me waiting here these two years, and gave me a thousand put-offs; but your majesty has saved me all that trouble, and generously given me my answer at once. Gads fish, man, said the king, thou shalt have the place for thy downright honesty.

303. A merry droll servant, who lived with a lady that was just on the point of matrimony, being sent with a How-d’ye-do to an acquaintance of hers, who lived a few miles off, was asked how his lady did? Ah, dear madam, replied the fellow, she can never live long in this condition.

304. ’Twas a beautiful turn given by a great lady, who being asked, Where her husband was, when he lay concealed for having been deeply concerned in a conspiracy? resolutely answered, She had hid him. This confession drew her before the king, who told her, Nothing but her discovering where her lord was concealed, could save her from the torture. And will that do? said the lady. Yes, said the king, I give you my word for it. Then, said she, I have hid him in my heart, there you’ll find him.

305. An English gentleman travelling to France, had made choice of an abbé as reckless as himself, for the companion of his pleasures. One of his countrymen told him, That though the abbé and he differed about the way to heaven, they were in a fair way of going to the devil together.

306. A petulant self-willed coxcomb was threatening, if his humour was not gratified, to leave his relations and family and go away to France. Let him alone, said one, he will come back from France, before he gets half way to Dover.

307. A countryman in the street inquiring the way to Newgate, an arch fellow that heard him, said, he’d show him presently. Do but go across the way, said he, to yon goldsmith’s shop, and move off with one of those silver tankards, and it will bring you thither presently.

308. Men sometimes blurt out very unlucky truths. A town beggar was very importunate with a rich miser, whom he accosted in the following phrase: Pray, sir, bestow your charity; good, dear sir, bestow your charity. Prithee, friend, be quiet, replied old Gripus, I have it not.

309. A certain priest in a rich abbey in Florence, being a fisherman’s son, caused a net to be spread every day, on a table in his apartment, to put him in mind of his origin: the abbot dying, this dissembled humility procured him to be chosen abbot; after which, the net was used no more. Being asked the reason, he answered, There is no occasion for the net now the fish is caught.

310. A farmer who had a very great name in the country for his dexterity in manly exercises, such as wrestling, throwing the bar, and the like, drew upon himself many occasions to try his skill, with such as came far and near to challenge him: among the rest, a conceited fellow rode a great way to visit this champion, and being told that he was in his ground behind the house, he alighted, and walked with his horse’s bridle in his hand, till he came where he found him at work; so hanging the bridle upon the pales, he accosted him thus: That having heard much of his fame, he had come forty miles to try a fall with him. The champion, without more words, came up to him, and closing with him, took him upon such an advantageous lock, that he pitched him clean over the pales; with a great deal of unconcern, he took up his spade, and fell to work again: the fellow getting upon his legs again, as nimbly as he could, called to speak to him. Well, said the champion, have you any more to say to me? No, no, replied the fellow, only to desire you would be so kind as throw my horse after me.

311. A busy impertinent, entertaining Aristotle the philosopher one day with a tedious discourse, and observing that he did not much regard him, made an apology, That he was afraid he had interrupted him. No, really, replied the philosopher, you have not interrupted me at all, for I have not minded one word you said.

312. Two conceited coxcombs wrangling and exposing one another before company, one told them, That they had both done like wits: for wits, said he, never give over till they prove one another fools.

313. A lawyer and a physician having a dispute about precedence, referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favour of the lawyer, in these terms: Let the thief go before, and the executioner follow.

314. A person having two very graceless sons, the one robbed him of his money, and the other of his goods: His neighbour coming to condole with him, told him, He might sue the county, for he had been robbed between son and son.

315. A person speaking to the Earl of C——d of the false taste of several people of quality, and their ignorance in many things that they pretend to understand; Why, said my Lord, most of our people of quality judge of everything by their ears but the opera, and that they go to see.

316. A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors’ ears—Farewell, said one, there is so much of mine gone with him. And he carried so much of mine, said another. One hearing them make their several complaints, said, Well, I see now, that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of other men’s.

317. Three young conceited wits, as they thought themselves, passing along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be rudely merry; Good morrow, father Abraham, said one: Good morrow, father Isaac, said the next: Good morrow, father Jacob, cried the last. I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob, replied the old gentleman, but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father’s asses, and lo! here I have found them.

318. An ingenious young gentleman at the University of Oxford, being appointed to preach before the Vice Chancellor, and the heads of the colleges, at St. Mary’s, and having formerly observed the drowsiness of the Vice Chancellor, took this place of scripture for his text: “What! cannot ye watch one hour?” At every division he concluded with his text; which by reason of the Vice Chancellor sitting so near the pulpit, often awaked him. This was so noted among the wits, that it was the talk of the whole University, and withal it so nettled the Vice Chancellor, that he complained to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who, willing to redress him, sent for this scholar up to London, to defend himself against the crime laid to his charge; where coming, he gave so many proofs of his extraordinary wit, that the Archbishop enjoined him to preach before King James. After some excuses, he at length consented; and coming into the pulpit, began, “James the First, and the Sixth, waver not”; meaning the first king of England, and the sixth of Scotland; at first the king was somewhat amazed at the text, but in the end was so well pleased with his sermon, that he made him one of his chaplains in ordinary. After this advancement, the Archbishop sent him down to Oxford to make his recantation to the Vice Chancellor, and to take leave of the University, which he accordingly did, and took the latter part of the verse of the former text, “Sleep on now and take your rest”: concluding his sermon, he made his apology to the Vice Chancellor, Whereas I said before, which gave offence, What! cannot ye watch one hour? I say now, Sleep on and take your rest—and so left the University.

319. A plain country fellow, born in Essex, coming to London, which place he had never seen before, as he walked in a certain street, not a great way from Mark Lane, espied a rope hanging at a merchant’s door, with a handle to it; and wondering what it meant, he took it in his hand, and played with it to and fro; at length, pulling it hard, he heard a bell ring; it so happened, that the merchant, being near the door, went himself, and demanded what the fellow would have. Nothing, sir, said he, I did but play with this pretty thing which hangs at your door. What countryman are you? said the merchant. An Essex man, an’t please you, replied the other. I thought so, replied the merchant, for I have often heard say, that if a man beat a bush in Essex, there presently comes forth a calf. It may be so, replied the countryman, and I think a man can no sooner ring a bell in London, but out pops a donkey.

320. A young man married to an ill-tempered woman, who, not contented, though he was very kind to her, made continual complaints to her father, to the great grief of both families; the husband being no longer able to endure this strange humour, beat her soundly. Hereupon she complained to her father, who understanding well the perverseness of her humour, took her to task, and laced her soundly too; saying, Go, and commend me to your husband, and tell him, I am now even with him, for I have cudgelled his wife, as he hath beaten my daughter.

321. A fellow hearing one say, according to the Italian proverb, That three women make a market with their chattering; Nay, then, said he, add my wife to them, and they will make a fair.

322. A scholar, in College Hall, declaiming, having a bad memory, was at a stand; whereupon in a low voice, he desired one that stood close by, to help him out: No, said the other, methinks you are out enough already.

323. A gentleman riding near the forest of Which-wood, in Oxfordshire, asked a fellow, What that wood was called; he said, Which-wood, sir: Why that wood, said the gentleman. Which-wood, sir: Why that wood, I tell thee;—he still said Which-wood. I think, said the gentleman, thou art as senseless as the wood that grows there. It may be so, replied the other, but you know not Which-wood.

324. A physician was wont to say, when he met a friend, I am glad to see you well. In troth, sir, said one, I think you do but dissemble, for the world always goes ill with you, when it goes well with your friends.

325. A gentleman falling to decay, shifted where he could; among the rest, he visited an old acquaintance, and stayed with him seven or eight days, in which time the man began to be weary of his guest, and to be rid of him, feigned a falling out with his wife, by which means their fare was very slender. The gentleman perceiving their drift, but not knowing whither to go to better himself, told them, He had been there seven days, and had not seen any falling out betwixt them before; and that he was resolved to stay seven weeks longer, but he would see them friends again.

326. A gentleman who loved everything that was foreign, and was extremely fond of hard names, dining at a friend’s house, asked him, What the name of the wine was, of which he had just drank a glass at table; his friend, knowing that it was but indifferent, and recollecting that he had bought it at the Stocks Market, told him, it was the true Stoko Marketto; upon which he found the wine excellent, and gave it great encomiums.

327. A knavish attorney asking a very worthy gentleman, what was honesty? What is that to you? said he; meddle with those things that concern you.

328. A simple bumpkin, coming to London, was very much taken with the sight of a chair, or sedan, and bargained with the chairmen to carry him to a place he named. The chairmen, observing the curiosity of the clown to be suitable to the meanness of his habit, privately took out the bottom of the chair, and then put him into it, which when they took up, the countryman’s feet were upon the ground, and as the chairmen advanced, so did he; and to make the better sport, if any place was dirtier in the way than the rest, that they chose to go through; the countryman not knowing but others used to be carried, or rather driven in the same manner, coming to his lodgings, gave them their demand. Returning into the country, he related what rare things he had seen in London, and withal, that he been conveyed in a sedan: Sedan, quoth one, what is that? Why, said he, like our watch-house, only it is covered with leather; but were it not for the name of a sedan, a man might as well walk on foot.

329. An ignorant clown, who had the reputation of being a great scholar in the country, because he could read and write, coming to London, and inquiring into all the strange things he saw, at last read on a sign-post, Horses to be let, 1748. Well, said he, if there are so many horses in one inn, how many are there in the whole city?

330. One reading a witty preface before a dull book, said, he wondered how such a preface came to be matched so preposterously to such a book. In truth, sir, said another, I see no reason why they may not be matched, for I’m sure they are not at all a-kin.

331. A person not belonging to Merton College, put his horse in a field thereunto appertaining; being warned of so doing, and he taking no notice thereof, the master of that College sent his man to him, bidding him say, if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his tail. Say you so? said the person: go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse’s tail, I will cut off his ears. The servant returning, told his master what he said; whereupon he was sent back to bring the person to him; who appearing, the master said, How now, sir! what mean you by the menace you sent me? Sir, said the other, I threatened you not, for I only said, if you cut off my horse’s tail, I would cut off his ears.

332. One seeing a scholar that looked very much a-squint, Sure, said he, this man must be more learned than his fellows, for with one cast of his eyes he can read both sides of the book at once.

333. A youth standing by whilst his father was at play, observing him to lose a great deal of money, burst into tears; his father asked him the reason why he wept? Oh, sir, I have heard that Alexander the Great wept when he heard his father Philip had conquered a great many towns, cities, and countries, fearing that he would leave him nothing to win; but I wept the contrary way, fearing you will leave me nothing to lose.

334. A rich citizen of London, in his will, left something considerable to Christ’s Hospital, but little or nothing to one of his extravagant sons. At the funeral, the Blue-coat boys were ordered, in acknowledgment of so great a gift, to sing before the corpse to the grave. As they marched through Cheapside, this extravagant son led his mother, who observing the boys made a rest, he opened his pipes in such a manner, that he was heard almost from one end of the street to the other; and still leading his mother, he continued thus singing, ’till a kinsman came to him, and stopping his mouth, asked him his reason for his irreverent and indecent carriage. Why, cousin, quoth this Ne’er-be-good, the boys there at my father’s death sing for something, and won’t you let me sing for nothing?

335. The famous Mr. Amner going through a street in Windsor, two boys looked out of a one-pair of stairs window, and cried, There goes Mr. Amner that makes so many bulls. He hearing them, looked up saying, You rascals, I know you well enough, and if I had you here, I’d kick you down stairs.

336. The same gentleman crossing the water in a ferry-boat at Datchet, the good man of the ferry being from home, his wife did his office; and not putting in the boat just at the landing place, Mr. Amner at his landing sunk into the mud over his shoes; and going a little farther he met with a friend, who asked, How he came so dirty? Egad, replied Mr. Amner, no man was ever so abused as I have been; for coming over Datchet ferry, a scurvy woman waterman put over his boat and landed me clean in the mire.

337. A poor woman in the country sent her son to a gentleman’s house, upon some errand or other. The loitering lad stayed somewhat too long, looking upon a dog in the wheel that turned the spit; so that when he came home, his mother beat him soundly: execution ended, the boy told her, If she had been there, she would have stayed as long as he; and she demanding the reason, he said, Oh, mother, it would have done you good to have seen how daintily a dog in a wheel spun roast meat.

338. In Flanders, by accident, a Flemish tiler falling from the top of a house upon a Spaniard, killed him, though he escaped himself. The next of the blood prosecuted his death with great violence against the tiler; and when he was offered pecuniary recompence, nothing would serve him but lex talionis. Whereupon, the judge said unto him, That if he did urge that kind of sentence, it must be, that he should go up to the top of the same house, and from thence fall down upon the tiler.

339. A lord intended to take in a great part of the common belonging to the town, and he agreed with a carpenter to have it railed in: My lord, said he, it shall be done, and I think I can save you some charges in the business; For, said he, do you but get posts, and I doubt not but all the neighbors round about will find you railing enough.

340. A brave Dutch captain being commanded by his colonel to go on a dangerous exploit against the French, with forces that were unlikely to achieve the enterprise, the captain advised his colonel to send but half so many men: Send but half so many men! why so? said the colonel. Because, replied the captain, they are enough to be knocked on the head.

341. A fellow hearing the drums beat up for volunteers for France, in the expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and thereupon listed himself; returning again, he was asked by his friends, What exploits he had done there? He said, That he had cut off one of the enemy’s legs; and being told that it had been more honourable and manly to have cut off his head; Oh, said he, you must know his head was cut off before.

342. A person of quality coming into a church, at the place where several of his ancestors were buried, after he had said much in their commendation and praised them for worthy men; Well, said he, I am resolved, if I live, to be buried as near them as possible.

343. An Irishman having been obliged to live with his master some time in Scotland; when he came home again, some of his companions asked him, How he liked Scotland? I will tell you now, said he, I was sick all de while I was dere, and if I had lived dere till this time, I had been dead a year ago.

344. A certain duchess, in a late reign, hearing that a man in a high office, which gave him an opportunity of handling much cash, had married his mistress; Good Lord, said she, that old fellow is always robbing the public.

345. A book being published in Queen Elizabeth’s time that gave her much offence, she asked Bacon if he could find no treason in it? No, madam, said he, but abundance of felony, for the author hath stolen half his conceits out of Tacitus.

346. A young lady being sick, a physician was sent for to feel her pulse; she being very coy, and loth he should touch her skin, pulled her sleeve over her hand; the doctor observing it, took a corner of his coat, and laid it upon the sleeve; at which a lady that stood by wondered: O, madam, said he, a linen pulse must always have a woollen physician.

347. Tom Clarke, of St. John’s, desired a fellow of the same college to lend him Bishop Burnet’s History of the Reformation; the other told him, He could not spare it out of his chamber, but, if he pleased, he might come there and read it all day long. Some time after the same gentleman sent to Tom to borrow his bellows: Tom sent him word, that he could not possibly spare them out of his chamber, but he might come there and use them all day long if he would.

348. King Charles II. on a certain time paying a visit to Dr. Busby, the doctor is said to have strutted through his school with his hat upon his head, while his majesty walked complaisantly behind him, with his hat under his arm; but, when he was taking his leave at the door, the doctor with great humility addressed him thus: Sire, I hope your majesty will excuse my want of respect hitherto; but if my boys were to imagine there was a greater man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able to rule them.

349. Dr. Hickringal, who was one of King Charles the Second’s chaplains, whenever he preached before his majesty, was sure to tell him of his faults, and to scold him from the pulpit very severely. One day his majesty, walking in the Mall, observed the doctor before him, and sent to speak to him; when he came,—Doctor, said the king, What have I done to you that you are always quarreling with me? I hope your majesty is not angry with me, quoth the doctor, for telling the truth. No, no, said the king, but I would have us for the future be friends. Well, well, quoth the doctor, I’ll make it up with your majesty on these terms, as you mend, I’ll mend.

350. In a little country town, it happened that the ’squire of the parish’s lady came to church after her lying-in, to return thanks, or as it is commonly called, to be churched: The parson aiming to be complaisant, and thinking plain ‘woman’ a little too familiar, instead of saying, O Lord, save this woman; said, O Lord, save this lady. The clerk, resolving not to be behindhand with him, answered, Who putteth her ladyship’s trust in thee.

351. One of King James the First’s chaplains preaching before the court at Whitehall, made use of the following quibbles in his discourse. Speaking of the depravity of the age, Almost all-houses, he said, were made ale-houses;—that men made matri-money a matter of money; and placed their Para-dise in a pair of dice: Was it so in the days of No-ah? Ah, no.

352. The Rev. Mr. Henley waiting one day at Sir Robert Walpole’s levee, was asked by the knight what brought him there? The orator replied, I hear you want a good pen. No, said Sir Robert, I don’t. Then, said the orator, I have a bad one, which perhaps you may not like. Well, said the knight, if it is very bad, I must get one of the Secretaries of State to mend it.

353. Several press-gangs infesting the streets of the city and suburbs, one of which giving umbrage to a merry punster, who had just staggered from a tavern into the middle of them: he said pleasantly enough, God bless his majesty’s arms! But as to the supporters, they are beasts.

354. It was well answered by Archbishop Tillotson to King William, when he complained of the shortness of his sermon: Sir, said the bishop, could I have bestowed more time on it, it would have been shorter.

355. Mr. Prior, when ambassador, witnessing one of the French operas at Paris, and seated in a box with a nobleman he was free with, who, as usual in France, sung louder than the performer, burst into bitter invectives against the latter; upon which his lordship gave over to inquire the reason, adding, that the person he exclaimed against so fiercely, was one of the finest voices they had. Yes, replied his excellency, but he makes such a horrid noise, that I can’t have the pleasure to hear your lordship.

356. A living of 500l. per annum, falling in the gift of the late Lord Chancellor Talbot, Sir Robert Walpole recommended one of his friends as very deserving of the benefice, whom his lordship approved of. In the interim, the curate, who had served the last incumbent many years for a poor 30l. per annum, came up with a petition, signed by many of the inhabitants, testifying his good behaviour, setting forth that he had a wife and seven children to maintain, and begging his lordship would stand his friend, that he might be continued in his curacy; and, in consideration of his large family, if he could prevail with the next incumbent to add 10l. a year, he should for ever pray for him. His lordship, according to his usual goodness, promised to use his utmost endeavours to serve him; and the reverend gentleman, for whom the living was designed, coming soon after to pay his respects, my lord told him the affair of the curate, with this difference only, that he should allow him 60l. a year instead of 30l. The clergyman in some confusion, replied, He was sorry that he could not grant his request, for that he had promised the curacy to another, and could not go from his word. How! said the nobleman, have you promised the curacy before you were possessed of the living? Well, to keep your word with your friend, if you please, I’ll give him the curacy, but the living, I assure you, I’ll give to another: and saying this he left him. The next day the poor curate coming to know his destiny, my lord told him, That he had used his endeavours to serve him as to the curacy, but with no success, the reverend gentleman having disposed of it before. The curate, with a deep sigh, returned his lordship thanks for his goodness, and was going to withdraw, when my lord calling him back, said with a smile, Well, my friend, ’tis true, I have it not in my power to give you the curacy; but if you will accept of the living ’tis at your service.

357. The same noble lord, when he was under the tuition of the Reverend ——, who used to call him his little chancellor, one day replied, that when he was so he would give him a good living. One happening to become vacant soon after he was chancellor, he recollected his promise, and ordered the presentation to be filled up for his old master, who soon after came to his lordship to remind him of his promise, and to ask him for the living. Why, really, said my lord, I wish you had come a day sooner, but I have given it away already, and when you see to whom, I dare say you will not think me to blame.

358. A country curate being one Friday in Lent to examine his young catechumens, and the bell tolling for prayers, he was obliged to leave a game of all-fours unfinished, in which he had the advantage; but told his antagonist he would soon dispatch his audience, and see him out. Now for fear any tricks should be played with the cards in his absence, he put them in his cassock; and asking one of the children how many commandments there were, which the boy not readily answering, by accident one of the cards dropped out of his sleeve; he had the presence of mind to bid the boy take it up, and tell him what card it was; which he readily did: when turning to the parents of the child, Are you not ashamed, said he, to pay so little regard to the eternal welfare of your children, as not to teach them their commandments? I suspected your neglect, and brought this card with me, to detect your immorality, in teaching your children to know their cards before their commandments.

359. Dr. South visiting a gentleman one morning, he was asked to stay to dinner; which he accepting, the gentleman stepped into the next room, and told his wife he had invited the doctor to dinner, and desired her to provide something extraordinary. Hereupon she began to murmur and scold, and make a thousand words, till at last her husband, being very much provoked at her behaviour, protested, that if it was not for the stranger in the next room, he would kick her out of doors. Upon which the doctor, who had heard all that passed, immediately stepped out, crying, I beg, sir, you’ll make no stranger of me.

360. A woman of bad character who had lived in Clerkenwell, having left by her will a handsome sum of money to be given to the Rev. Dr. Lee, to preach her funeral sermon, but on condition that he should say nothing but what was well of her. Her executors accordingly waited on the doctor, and acquainted him with the conditions of the will; who being very much surprised at such a request, desired them to call again, and he would consider of it. Soon after they came again when he agreed that on the money being paid directly, he would preach the following Sunday. The doctor kept his word, and taking the text, “Blessed are they,” &c., made an excellent sermon on a well-spent life, and the reward they would have in the next world; concluding, Dear friends, said he, as for the deceased, of whom I am now going to speak (which caused great attention from the congregation), all I shall say of her is, that she was born at Camberwell, lived great part of her time in Bridewell, and died in Clerkenwell, and at last has done well; then let us pray that she may fare well, &c., &c.

361. The Rev. Mr. B—n coming from Holland with the King, a terrible hurricane arising, the sloop was in great danger of being lost. The facetious Mr. B—d, of Albemarle-street, being in the cabin with him, and very willing to prepare himself for another world, desired him to take notice, that if they were cast away, the shirt he had on belonged to Mr. G——, and that he might have it again; then falling on his knees, he attempted to rehearse the Lord’s Prayer, but with such a tone as affrighted the ship’s crew; on which the captain running down, desired him to pray to himself; and to his great surprise found the doctor stripping himself: Pray, doctor, said he, what do you design to do? Oh, said he, let him pray; I design to swim for my life.

362. The Lord Chief Justice Wh—d, of the King’s Bench in Ireland, being esteemed a very able lawyer, and Judge C—d and B—t but very indifferent ones; Well, said an attorney of that court, no bench was ever supplied like ours, for we have got a hundred judges upon it. A hundred! said another, how can that be? Why, replied the other, there is a figure of one, and two ciphers.

363. One Mr. Ash, who was himself a famous punster, in Ireland, coming into an inn, desired the landlord to lend him a hand to pull off his great coat: Indeed, sir, said he, I dare not. Dare not! replied the other, what do you mean by that? You know, sir, answered he, there is an act of parliament against stripping of Ash.

364. King Charles the Second, after the Restoration, told Waller the poet, that he had made better verses and said finer things of Cromwell than of him. That may very well be, replied Waller, for poets generally succeed better in imaginary things, than in real ones.

365. An honest French dragoon in the service of Louis the Fourteenth, having caught a man of whom he was jealous in the room with his wife, after some words, told him, he would let him escape that time; but if ever he found him there again, he’d throw his hat out of the window. Notwithstanding this terrible threat, in a very few days he caught the spark in the same place, and was as good as his word. Knowing what he had done, he posted away to a place where the king was, and throwing himself at his majesty’s feet, implored his pardon. The king asked him what his offence was? he told him the story, and how he had thrown the man’s hat out of the window. Well, well, said the king, laughing, I very readily forgive you; considering your provocation, I think you were much in the right to throw his hat out of the window. Yes, and may it please you, my liege, said the dragoon, but his head was in it. Was it so? replied the king: well, my word is passed.

366. A young and learned gentleman, who was to preach a probation sermon for a very good lectureship in the city, and had but a bad voice, though otherwise an excellent preacher; a friend, when he came out of the pulpit, wished him joy, and said he would certainly carry the election, for he had nobody’s voice against him but his own.

367. Some repartees, strictly speaking, ought not to be brought under the head of jests, yet, for the readiness of the thought, and the politeness of the expression, are somewhat better. Of this sort was the answer made by Sir Robert Sutton to the late King of Prussia, on his asking him at a review of his tall grenadiers, if he would say an equal number of Englishmen could beat them? No, sire, answered Sir Robert, I won’t pretend to say that, but I believe half the number would try.

368. Sir John H. C. being in the Court of Requests one morning, soon after Sir Rob. W—— had married Miss S——, and overhearing him tell a gentleman, who congratulated him upon that occasion, that he was glad his friends were pleased with what he had done—Ay, and so are your enemies too, said he.

369. The Earl of C——d, notwithstanding his great good nature, upon some provocation was, at a certain time, forced to lay his cane across the shoulders of Sir Harry ——, who took it very patiently. Some time after, Sir Harry himself caned a fellow, who was a great coward: upon which, my lord meeting him the next day, told him he was glad to hear he behaved so gallantly yesterday. Ay, my lord, said he, you and I know whom we beat.

370. The Cardinal de Retz being out of favour at court, and at last recalled to kiss the King’s hand, the king said to him, Your eminence’s hair is grown quite white. To which he replied, It would make a younger man than I am look grey, to have been so long in disgrace with your majesty as I have.

371. Upon the death of the famous Molière, a poet waiting with his epitaph upon the Prince of Condé, the Prince told him, he should have been much better pleased, if Molière had brought him his.

372. A bishop going in great haste to Rome, to be cardinalized, missed his promotion, and returned; but got a violent cold by the way: It is no wonder, said one that was told of it, since he came so far without his hat.

373. A gentleman being very drunk, came to a friend’s house, and told him, he came three miles on purpose to sup with him: to which the other answered, He was greatly obliged to him, since he came so far to see him before he came to himself.

374. A Scotch parson in the rump-time, in his babbling prayer, said, Laird bless the grand council, the parliament, and grant they may all hang together. A country-fellow standing by, said, Yes, yes, with all my heart, and the sooner the better; and I am sure it is the prayers of all good people. But friends, said Sawney, I don’t mean as that fellow means, but pray they may all hang together in accord and concord. No matter what cord, replied the other, so it is but a strong cord.

375. An honest highlander, walking along Holborn, heard a voice cry, Rogue, Scot; Rogue, Scot; his northern blood fired at the insult, he drew his broadsword, looking round him on every side, to discover the object of his indignation; he at last found that it came from a parrot, perched in a balcony within his reach; but the generous Scot, disdaining to stain his trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword again, with a sour smile, saying, Gin ye were a mon, as ye’re a green geuse, I would split your ween.

376. The Rev. Mr. Brodie preaching one day at the kirk in Edinburgh on hell torments, represented them to be intolerable, by the extreme cold they suffered there. And it being at that time very cold weather, one of his congregation, after sermon, took upon him to ask him the reason of his so doing, when all the eminent divines had preached it up to be the reverse. O sir, said he, I had good reason; for if I had told them it was hot, I should have had them all run away to warm themselves.

377. An Irishman having a looking-glass in his hand, shut his eyes, and placed it before his face; another asking him, Why he did so? Upon my shoul, said Teague, it is to see how I look when I am asleep.

378. Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, said one, There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw. She hearing him, turned back, and seeing him very ugly, said, I wish I could, in return, say as much by you. So you may, madam, said he, and tell a falsehood as I did.

379. An impudent ridiculous fellow, being laughed at by all who came in his company, told some of his acquaintance, that he had a happy quality of laughing at all who laughed at him. Then, said one of them, you lead the merriest life of any man in Christendom.

380. Alexander the Great asked Dionedes, a famous pirate, who was brought prisoner to him, why he was so bold as to rob and plunder in his seas? he answered, That he did it for his profit, and as Alexander himself was used to do it. But because I do it with one single galley, I am called a pirate; but you, sire, who do it with a great army, are called a king. This bold answer so pleased Alexander, that he set him at liberty.

381. A ploughman seeing the Archbishop of Cologne go by, attended by a great many soldiers, laughed; the archbishop pressed him to know the reason: It is because I wonder, said the ploughman, to see an archbishop armed and followed, not by churchmen, but by soldiers, like a general of an army. Friend, replied the archbishop, in my church I perform the part of an archbishop with my clergy; but in the field I march like a duke, accompanied by my soldiers. I understand you, my lord, answered the peasant; but pray tell me, when my lord duke goes to the devil, what will then become of my lord the archbishop?

382. The Duke of Guise, after a battle fought between Francis I. and Charles V. reproached Villandry, that though he was in complete armour, yet he had not been seen in the fight. I’ll make it out, answered Villandry, boldly, that I was there, and in a place where you durst not be seen. The duke nettled at this reproach, threatened to punish him severely; but he appeased him with these words: I, my lord, was with the baggage, where your courage would not suffer you to go.

383. Hermon was so covetous, according to the testimony of Lucilius, that dreaming one night that he had spent some money, he hanged himself in the morning; but Dinarchee Philo quitted the design he had once taken to hang himself, because he grudged the expense of a rope.

384. Dr. M—d coming out of Tom’s coffee-house, an impudent broken apothecary met him at the door, and accosted him with a request to lend him five guineas: Sir, said the doctor, I am surprised that you should apply to me for such a favour; who do not know you! Oh, dear sir, replied the apothecary, it is for that very reason; for those who do won’t lend me a farthing.

385. An old superstitious Roman, who had his buskins rateaten, consulted Cato, in a grave manner, what such an accident might portend. Cato bid him set his mind at rest, for there would come no mischief from it. But, said the philosopher, if your buskins had eaten the rats, it might have been dangerous.

386. Philip, king of Macedon, after the battle of Cheronea, having generously set all the Athenian prisoners free, upon their unconscionably demanding their baggage, Sure, said he, the men fancy we had but a mock fight.

387. An archbishop finding fault with some actions of Queen Elizabeth, brought her good arguments out of the scriptures to prove, that they favoured more of the politician than the christian. I see, said she, my lord, you have read the scriptures, but not the book of Kings.

388. In a visit Queen Elizabeth made to the famous Lord Chancellor Bacon, at a small country seat, which he had built for himself before his preferment; she asked him, how it came that he had made himself so small a house? It is not I, madam, answered he, who have made my house too small for myself, but your majesty, who has made me too big for my house.

389. Some person praising a generous prince for virtues he had not; Well, said he, I’ll do my utmost to hinder your telling an untruth.

390. King William III. being upon a march for some secret expedition, was entreated by a general to tell him what his design was: the king, instead of answering him, asked him, whether, in case he should tell him, he could keep it a secret, and would let it go no farther; the general promised it should not. Well, answered his majesty, I know how to keep a secret as well as you.

391. Mr. T—s C—r, the comedian, coming one day to his father, begged him to let him have a hundred pounds, which would make him perfectly easy in his affairs. Why, then, said the father, it is very strange you can’t live upon your salary, your benefit, and other advantages; when I was of your age, I never spent any of my father’s money. I do not know that, answered the son, but I am sure you have spent a great many hundred pounds of my father’s money.

392. An ordinary country fellow being called as an evidence in a court of judicature, in a cause where the terms of mortgager and mortgagee were frequently used, the judge asked the countryman if he knew the difference between the mortgager and mortgagee: Yes, said he, it is the same as between the nodder and noddee. How is that? replied the judge. Why, you sit there, my lord, said the clown, and I nod at you; then I am the nodder, and your lordship is the noddee.

393. Two fellows meeting, one asked the other, why he looked so sad? I have very good reasons for it, answered the other; poor Jack Such-a-one, the greatest crony and best friend I had in the world, was hanged but two days ago. What had he done? said the first. Alas, replied the other, he did no more than you or I would have done on the like occasion; he found a bridle in the road, and took it up. What! answered the other, hang a man for taking a bridle! That’s hard indeed. To tell the truth of the matter, said the other, there was a horse at the end of it.

394. It was a fine saying of my lord Russell, who was beheaded in the reign of King Charles II., when on the scaffold, he delivered his watch to Dr. Gilbert Burnet, afterwards bishop of Salisbury: Here, sir, said he, take this, it shows time: I am going into eternity, and shall have no longer any need of it.

395. Queen Elizabeth, having taken notice of the Duke de Villa Medina’s gallant behaviour at a tournament, told him one day, that she would absolutely know who his mistress was: Villa Medina excused himself awhile, but at last yielding to her curiosity, he promised to send her her picture. The next morning he sent her majesty a packet; wherein the Queen finding nothing but a small looking-glass, presently understood the Spaniard’s meaning.

396. A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand that was all black; Take off your glove, friend, said the judge to him. Put on your spectacles, my lord, answered the dyer.

397. A sober young woman, who was treating with a maidservant about work and wages, asked her, among other questions, what religion she was of? Alack-a-day, madam, said the poor innocent girl, I never trouble my head about that; for religion, I thought, was only for gentlefolks.

398. Admiral Chatillon being on a holiday gone to hear mass in the Dominican friars’ chapel, a poor fellow begged his charity, just as he was most intent on his devotions. He felt in his pocket, and gave him several pieces of gold, without counting them, or minding what they were. The considerable alms so dazzled the beggar’s eyes, that he was amazed at it. As M. Chatillon was going out of the church door, where the poor man waited for him; Sir, said he, showing him what he had given him, I cannot tell whether you intended to give me so large a sum; if not, I am very ready to return it. The admiral, wondering at the honesty of the man, said, I did not, indeed, honest man, intend to have given you so much; but, since you have the generosity to offer to return it, I will have the generosity to desire you to keep it, and there are five pieces more for you.

399. A certain captain, who had made a greater figure than his fortune could well bear, and the regiment not being paid as was expected, was forced to put off a great part of his equipage; a few days after, as he was walking by the roadside, he saw one of his soldiers sitting cleaning himself under a hedge: What are you doing there, Tom? said the officer. Why, faith, sir, answered the soldier, I am following your example, getting rid of part of my retinue.

400. One who had formerly been rich, but had squandered away his estate, and left himself no furniture in the house but a sorry bed, a little table, a few broken chairs, and some other odd things, seeing a parcel of thieves, who knew not his condition, breaking into his house in the night, he cried out to them, Are not you a pack of fools, to think to find anything here in the dark, when I can find nothing by daylight?

401. A certain great lord having, by his extravagancies, run himself over head and ears in debt, and seeming very little concerned about it, one of his friends told him one day, That he wondered how he could sleep quietly in his bed, whilst he was so much in debt. For my part, said my lord, I sleep very well; but I wonder how my creditors can.

402. A bishop of Cervia in Italy came in great haste to the Pope, and told him, that it was generally reported his holiness had done him the honour to make him governor of Rome. How, said the Pope, don’t you know that fame spreads a great many false reports? and I dare say you will find this one of them.

403. A Gascon, one day reading in company a letter he had just received from his father, who therein acquainted him, that he was threatened with an assessment, which would be very hard upon him, whose whole estate was not above two hundred livres per annum. This sum was written in figures, thus (200). But the Gascon reading two thousand instead of two hundred, a lady that stood behind him, and read the letter without uttering a word, so that he could not perceive her, hearing him say two thousand; Hold, hold, sir, said she, there are but two hundred. Let me be hanged, said he, turning about to her, if the coxcomb, meaning his father, has not forgot a cipher.

404. Another Gascon officer, who had served under Henry IV. King of France, and not having received any pay for a considerable time, came to the king, and confidently said to him, Sire, three words with your majesty: Money or discharge. Four with you, answered his majesty: Neither one nor t’other.

405. A certain Italian having wrote a book upon the art of making gold, dedicated it to Pope Leo X. in hopes of a good reward: His holiness finding the man constantly following him, at length gave him a large empty purse, saying, Sir, since you know how to make gold, you can have no need of anything but a purse to put it in.

406. A countryman seeing a lady in the street in a very odd dress as he thought, begged her to be pleased to tell him what she called it. The lady, a little surprised at the question, called him impertinent fellow. Nay, I hope no offence, madam, cried Hodge, I am a poor countryman, just going out of town, and my wife always expects I should bring her an account of the newest fashion, which occasioned my inquiring what you call this that you wear. It is a sack, said she, in a great pet. I have heard, replied the countryman (heartily nettled at her behaviour) of a pig in a poke, but never saw a sow in a sack before.

407. A proud parson, and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock, and having a new coat on, the parson asked him, in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat? The same, said the shepherd, that clothed you, the parish. The parson, nettled at this, rode on a little way, and then bade his man go back, and ask the shepherd if he’d come and live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man going accordingly to the shepherd, delivered his master’s message, and concluded as he was ordered, that his master wanted a fool. Why, are you going away then? said the shepherd. No, answered the other. Then you may tell your master, replied the shepherd, his living can’t maintain three of us.

408. A lad was running along the gunnel of a ship, with a can of flip in his hand, of which he was to have part himself, when a cannon ball came suddenly, and took off one of his legs; Look ye there now, said he, all the flip’s spilt.

409. Lord Falkland, the author of the play, called The Marriage Night, was chosen very young to sit in parliament; and when he was first elected, some of the members opposed his admission, urging, That he had not sown all his wild oats. Then, replied he, it will be the best way to sow them in the house, where there are so many geese to pick them up.

410. The Duke of —— asked a friend, Who he thought had undertaken the most difficult task, Mr. Whiston, in his attempts to discover the longitude, or Mr. Lisle, to find the philosopher’s stone? The friend answered, that he could not tell which was the more arduous task of the two which those gentlemen had undertaken, but he was sure that he had himself engaged in a much more difficult work than either of them. What is that? said his grace. I have been these six years endeavouring to prevail on you to pay your debts, replied the friend.

411. A schoolmaster asking one of his boys, in a sharp wintry morning, what was Latin for cold, the boy hesitated a little: What, sirrah, said he, can’t you tell? Yes, yes, replied the boy, I have it at my fingers’ ends.

412. When the gate, which joined to Whitehall, was ordered by the House of Commons to be pulled down, to make the coach-way more open and commodious, a member made a motion, that the other which was contiguous to it, might be taken down at the same time; which was opposed by a gentleman, who told the house, that he had a very high veneration for that fabric, that he looked upon it as a noble piece of antiquity; that he had the honour to have lived by it many years; and therefore humbly begged the house would continue the honour to him, for it would really make him unhappy to be deprived of it now. Counsellor Hungerford seconded the gentleman, and said, ’Twould be a thousand pities, but he should be indulged to live still by his gate, for he was sure he could never live by his style.

413. A nobleman having presented King Charles II. with a fine horse, his majesty bade Killigrew, who was present, tell him his age; whereupon Killigrew went and examined the tail; What are you doing? said the king, that is not the place to find out his age. O! sir, said Killigrew, Your majesty knows one should never look a gift horse in the mouth.

414. A certain poetaster, whose head was full of a play of his own writing, was explaining the plot and design of it to a courtier. The scene of it, said he, is in Cappadocia; and, to judge rightly of the play, a man must transport himself into the country, and get acquainted with the genius of the people. You say right, answered the courtier, and I think it would be best to have it acted there.

415. A young man, who was a very great talker, making a bargain with Isocrates to be taught by him, Isocrates asked double the price that his other scholars gave him; and the reason, said he, is, that I must teach thee two sciences, one to speak, and the other to hold thy tongue.

416. A certain couple going to Dunmow in Essex, to claim the flitch of bacon, which is to be given to every married pair, who can swear they had no dispute, nor once repented their bargain in a year and a day, the steward ready to deliver it, asked where they would put it; the husband produced a bag, and told him, in that. That, answered the steward, is not big enough to hold it. So I told my wife, replied the good man; and I believe we have had a hundred words about it. Ay, said the steward, but they were not such as will butter any cabbage to eat with this bacon; and so hung the flitch up again.

417. Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other Garret, riding by Tyburn, said the first, This is a very pretty tenement, if it had but a Garret. You fool, said Garret, don’t you know there must be Chambers first?

418. Two gentlemen, one named Woodcock, the other Fuller, walking together, happened to see an owl; said the last, That bird is very much like a Woodcock. You are very wrong, said the first, for it’s Fuller in the head, Fuller in the eyes, and Fuller all over.

419. An arch boy having taken notice of his schoolmaster’s often reading a chapter in Corinthians, wherein is this sentence, ‘We shall all be changed in the twinkling of an eye,’ privately erased the letter c in the word changed. The next time the master read it, we shall all be hanged in the twinkling of an eye.

420. A certain great man, who had been a furious party man, and most surprisingly changed sides, by which he obtained a coronet, was soon after at cards at a place where Lady T—nd was, and complaining in the midst of the game, that he had a great pain in his side, I thought your lordship had no side, said she.

421. A gentleman living in Jamaica, not long ago, had a wife not of the most agreeable humour in the world; however, as an indulgent husband, he had bought her a fine pad, which soon after gave her a fall that broke her neck. Another gentleman in the same neighbourhood, blessed likewise with a termagant spouse, asked the widower, if he would sell his wife’s pad, for he had a great fancy for it, and he would give him what he would for it. No, said the other, I don’t care to sell it, for I am not sure that I shan’t marry again.

422. A scholar of Dr. Busby’s coming into a parlour where the doctor had laid a fine bunch of grapes for his own eating, took it up and said aloud, I publish the banns between these grapes and my mouth; if any one knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together, let them declare it. The doctor, being but in the next room, overheard all that was said, and coming into the school, he ordered the boy who had eaten his grapes to be taken up, or, as they called it, horsed on another boy’s back; but before he proceeded to the usual discipline, he cried out aloud, as the delinquent had done: I publish the banns between my rod and this boy’s breech, if any one knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together, let them declare it. I forbid the banns, cried the boy. Why so? said the doctor. Because the parties are not agreed, replied the boy. Which answer so pleased the doctor, who loved to find any readiness of wit in his scholars, that he ordered the boy to be set down.

423. The late Sir Robert Henley, who was commonly pretty much in debt, walking one day with two or three other gentlemen in the Park, was accosted by a tradesman, who took him aside for a minute or two, and when the baronet rejoined his company, he seemed to be in a great passion, which his friends taking notice of, asked him what was the matter? Why the rascal, said he, has been dunning me for money I have owed him these seven years, with as much impudence as if it was a debt of yesterday.

424. The late Mr. D—t, the player, a man of great humanity, as will appear by the story, having heard that his landlady’s maid had cut her throat with one of his razors, of which an account was brought to him behind scenes at the time of the play; D—t, with great concern and emotion, cried out, Zoons, I hope it was not with my best razor!

425. Joe Haines, the player, being asked what could transport Mr. Collier into so blind a zeal for the general suppression of the stage, when only some particular authors had abused it; whereas the stage, he could not but know, was generally allowed, when rightly conducted, to be a delightful method of mending the morals? For that reason, replied Haines; Collier is, by profession, a moral-mender himself, and two of a trade, you know, can never agree.

426. Some gentlemen being at a tavern together, for want of better diversion, one proposed play; but, said another of the company, I have fourteen good reasons against gaming. What are they? said another. In the first place, answered he, I have no money. Oh! said the other, if you had four hundred reasons, you need not name another.

427. A parson, in the country, taking his text from St. Matthew, chap. viii. 14, ‘And Peter’s wife’s mother lay sick of a fever,’ preached for three Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows going across the church-yard, and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other, who it was for? Nay, I can’t tell you; perhaps, replied he, it is for Peter’s wife’s mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three weeks.

428. The Hon. Mr. L— one morning, at the late Sir Robert Walpole’s levee, as I sat by them, asked John Lawton for a pinch of snuff, who told him he had none in his box, for he seldom took any, but now and then to keep him awake at church. That, said the other, is the most improper thing you can do there; for it quite destroys the natural operation of the sermon.

429. I remember in the reign of the late Queen Anne, when disputes ran high between Whig and Tory, some persons suffered party to mix in every their minutest action. A Tory would not cock his hat in the same manner that a Whig did, nor a Whig lady patch her face on the same side that the Tory ladies patched theirs. A pleasant instance of this strict adherence to party in trivial affairs, was Dick W—l, who, being sent to parliament on the Tory interest, was resolved to do nothing but what was on that side. The house, a few days after he took his seat in it, happening to sit late, a motion was made for candles to be brought in, which being put to the vote, Dick pulled a high-flying member, who sat near him, by the sleeve, and asked him if candles were for the church? And being answered in the affirmative, very readily gave his voice for them, which otherwise he would not have done.

430. A young fellow, not quite so wise as Solomon, eating some Cheshire cheese full of mites, one night at the tavern: Now, said he, have I done as much as Sampson, for I have slain my thousands and my ten thousands. Yes, answered one of the company, and with the same weapon too, the jawbone of an ass.

431. Poor Joe Miller going one day along the Strand, an impudent Derby captain came swaggering up to him, and thrust between him and the wall. I don’t use to give the wall, said he, to every jackanapes. But I do, said Joe; and so made way for him.

432. When the late Duke of —— went over as Lord Lieutenant to Ireland, he took an excellent man cook with him, but they had not been there above a month, when, finding his grace kept a very scurvy house, he gave him warning. What’s the reason, said the duke, that you have a mind to leave me? Why, if I continue with your excellency much longer, answered the cook, I shall quite forget my trade.

433. A certain officer in the guards telling one night, in company with Joe Miller, of several wonderful things he had seen abroad, among the rest he told the company he had seen a pike caught that was six feet long. That’s a trifle, said Joe, I have seen a half-pike, in England, longer by a foot, and yet not worth twopence.

434. Jemmy Spiller, another of the jocose comedians, going one day through Rag Fair, a place where they sell second-hand goods, cheapened a leg of mutton, he saw hanging up there, at a butcher’s stall. The butcher told him it was a groat a pound. Are you not an unconscionable fellow, said Spiller, to ask such a price, when one may have a new one for the same price in Clare Market?