Volume 3 — Questions and Answers

Dear Capt. Billy—What is the Goozes Pimple Glide dance?—Washer Iggle.

This is done in the following manner: While stepping on the ballroom floor with your partner keep time with the music by stroking her bare arm with the front and back (alternately) of your hand.

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Dear Capt. Billy—What is meant by “A man ahead of the time?”—V. Havan Oisteh.

The fellow who carries his watch in his hip pocket.

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Dear Capt. Billy—While crossing from Key West to Havana on one of the gin rickey boats I noticed a streak of oil on the water. Could you tell me what that was from?—S. Lopp Boal.

Oh, that’s where the road went across the ice last winter.

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Dear Captain—We are going to give a cleaning-shower for a bride-to-be. Can you suggest an appropriate gift?—Mid Riff.

A bath mitt.

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Dear Cap’n—I am giving a home-brew party to some jolly boys and girls. What is the proper hour to have the musicians play “Home Sweet Home?”—Roll Myowne.

Just before half pash stew.

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Dear Captain—I am alone a great deal at night and am afraid. Can you suggest some kind of protection?—Belle R. Peeling.

Take the bark of a dogwood tree and leave it outside your bedroom door.

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Dear Cap.—Can you suggest some inexpensive amusement that I might indulge in when my husband is away?—Dottie.

Take a bath and then spend half an hour or so playfully trying to locate the soap.

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Dear Cap’n Billy—I have just purchased several new gowns and no one seems to notice them. What can I do?—Ophelia Bumpus.

Try standing on a street corner with a tin cup in your hand and wear a sign “I am dumb.”

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Dear Cap. Billy—How can I cure my husband’s hiccups?—Ada Banana.

Don’t try. It is a mark of distinction.

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Dear Captain—When my husband takes me to a dance he prefers to jazz with all the girls except me. What can I do?—Gladys Swetz.

Make him wear shoulder braces.

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Dear Capt. Billy—In all your travels, where did you receive the most hospitality?—Al Hambra.

It was when in California. A gentleman called me into his room, handed me a goblet in one hand and a demijohn in the other and turned his back.

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Dear Capt. Billy—My dearest boy friend jilted me and now refuses to marry me. Please give me your best dope.—Sally Patica.

Dear Sally—Always hate him and bring your children up the same way.

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Dear Captain Billy—I am fondly in love with a young girl in our town, but also have strong sympathies for a dashing grass widow of thirty. My age, too, is thirty, and I would like your advice as to whom I should consider seriously.—Gloomy Gus.

Always deal with an old established firm, young man.

* * *

A Story With Teeth In It

Pat and Mike hesitated at the gate of the home they intended to rob, because of a barking dog.

“Go head, Mike,” said Pat, “You know a barking dog never bites.”

“Maybe so,” replied Mike, “you know that and I know it, but the dang dog doesn’t know it.”

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Dusky Diana’s Devotion

Pounding on the door of the attractive mulatto girl, the soldier bid fair to rouse the entire neighborhood, till a head was thrust out of an upstairs window and a voice cautiously asked:

“Hush up dar, yo’ soldier! What yo’ want?”

“Wanta come in,” hiccupped the warrior, who had evidently left the shrine of Bacchus to worship at that of Venus.

“H’m! Does yo’ b’long to de United States Marines?”

“Nope; but wanta come in.”

“Does yo’ b’long to de Third Massachusetts?”

“Nope.”

“To the Second Noo Hampshires?”

“Nope.”

“To the Fourf Noo York?”

“Nope; but wanta come in, all the same.”

“Well, yo’ can just go away fum dar, yo’ triflin soldier; I’se a very partickler woman, I is.”

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Oh, Mother, Lookit Daughter!

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Press Agent Stuff

The selection of the Cast for “Why Change Your Beeveedees?” the snappy cinema spectacle which the management of the Snore-On Theatre has been persuaded to show commencing today, was a task calling forth all the brains of that superior author-scenarist-director-producer, Whatin L. Isit. The difficulty lay in getting a star acceptable alike to the garment workers, buttonhole makers, laundry operators and health authorities.

M. T. Dome, who plays the leading male role in Wanta Daddy’s latest paramour picture, “The Questionable Residence,” adapted from Gimm E. Vice’s play by Seena Lott, is the newest addition to Hollywood’s film colony. Dome came all the way from New York to California just to play the part of Powerful Percy the Panderer’s Pal in the picture. He was last seen on the screen as Glorious Love’s leading man in “The Passionate Plumber.”

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Indignation Personified

Brother Toole of the Kablegram writes: “I had all kinds of trouble at the Blank Hotel last night. It was the first time I ever stopped there. When I returned from the theatre, I found that the clerk had put two women in my room. I went downstairs and raised all kinds of trouble about it. I couldn’t do a thing with the manager at first—but finally he put one of the women out.”

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The Guy Who Kin Sling It

By Walter Wolf

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In Deah Old Hingland

Rough-neck Western Yankee—Watcher principal trees here in England?

English Cockney—Hoak, helm and hash.

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The Last Waltz

They had met at a dance, he and she. He had wooed and won her while dancing to jazz harmony, that’s why they were all “jazzed” up now. She got to shaking her shoulders, so he “shook” her for good and got a divorce. Now they’re apart and do their dancing with different partners. She gets stepped on and he steps on others. Some day when “Home Sweet Home” is played they will wander home together again and call it “The Last Waltz.”

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“My wife,” said the henpecked one, “is a woman of few words—but she uses them over and over again.”

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Whizzical Whams

By Whursmuhwhiski.

I stopped in a Music Store the other day, and while looking around, I saw a stack of sheet music called “Toyland Sketches.” The first one I noticed was called “The Arrival of the Teddy Bears.” Needless to say, I didn’t look any further.

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Would “When Mother Plays a Rag On the Sewing Machine,” necessarily be a sister song to “When Father Plays a Chord On the Wood-pile?”

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Hymn 999

Tenant (to janitor)—What was all that cursing and swearing going on Sunday morning?

Janitor—Oh, that was Mrs. McFadden. She was going to church and she couldn’t find her prayer book.

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Our Old Friend Sal

How did Sal treat you?

Sal who?

Sal Hepatica.

Oh, she worked me to a frazzle.

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“Oh, Ralph, I haven’t a thing to wear.”

“’S’all right. I’ve a Sedan.”

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It Cannot Vas

Ikey—Papa I’m in lof. Ain’t it a fine feelings?

Papa—Dat’s nice, Ikey; who is de goil?

Ikey—Ah papa, she’s a peaches and cream. She’s good looking, she’s a good housekeeper, her papa’s got lots of money and—

Papa—Vat’s her name, Ikey?

Ikey—Alma Rosenbloom, ain’t she a daisy?

Papa—You mean de clothing man’s daughtair?

Ikey—Dat’s de goil, papa. How do you like it?

Papa—Ikey, I’m very sorry but it cannot vas.

Ikey—It cannot vas, papa, for why?

Papa—You see, Ikey, ven I vas a young man I was married before and Alma Rosenbloom iss your sistair.

After a lapse of time Ikey comes in again, all smiles and joyfully greets his father with the announcement—

Papa, I’m in lof again.

Papa (anxiously)—Who iss de goil dis time?

Ikey—Ah she’s a fine buxoms, she’s a good musician, she can cook, she’s good looking, her papa’s got lots of money, and—

Papa—Ikey, tell your papa, who is de goil?

Ikey—It’s Rosa Lipshuts.

Papa—You mean de pawnbroker’s daughtair?

Ikey—Dat’s de baby, ain’t she a fine catches?

Papa (shaking his head in the negative)—Ikey, I’m very sorry but it cannot vas.

Ikey—It cannot vas, papa, for why it cannot vas?

Papa—You see, Ikey, ven I vas a young man I vas married twice and Rosa Lipshuts iss your sistair also.

At this Ikey could no longer contain himself and gave vent to his feelings in an outburst of boo-hooing. To hide his disappointment he sought refuge in his room where his mother, attracted by his sobs, came to console him.

Mama—Ikey, for vhy are you crying?

Ikey—Oh, mama it’s too terrible, it’s too terrible.

Mama—Tell your mama, Ikey, for vhy do you cry?

Ikey did.

Mama (patting her boy on the head)—Dat’s all right, Ikey. You go an marry de goil. She’s a good goil, she’s got lots of money, and—

Ikey (between sobs)—But, mama, it cannot vas.

Mama—Yes, it can vas, Ikey. You see ven a young goil I vas married before also and your papa is not your fathair.

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The Latest Movie Title

THE BATTLE OF GARTER RUN.

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Her Sprinkling System

The architect was standing before one of his newly completed creations. Its mistress, plentifully sprinkled with diamonds at eleven in the morning, turned to him and said:

“It’s grand, and I’ve just decided not to employ a landscape gardener. I know just what I want myself. Banked up right against the porch there I want a real thick border—now what is that name? You know; those bright red flowers that look so dressy—yes; now I have it—saliva.”

The architect was staggered for a moment, but soon recovered and came back enthusiastically.

“The very thing,” he agreed. “And right in front a nice row of spitunians.”

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Dark—Going to the dance tonight, Sam?

Darker—Naw, I ain’t got any razor.

* * *

William Tell O’Toole

Clancy chuckled.

“What’s the joke?” asked Mooney.

“Sure,” replied Clancy, “Casey bet me ten dollars he could shoot a peanut off my head with a shot gun and oi took him up because oi knew he’d miss it.”

* * *

He wouldn’t supporter, so she stole his suspenders.