Volume 3 — Movie Hot Stuff
Reading edition
Clara Smith Hamon, now Mrs. John Gorman, is no longer in possession of her $2,500 automobile. The car was recently attached for payments overdue. Her picture “Fate” was given its final death blow as a money producer when the Arbuckle affair roused the censorship broil anew.
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Because his old friend Claire Windsor met Charlie Chaplin at the depot in Los Angeles on his recent return from Europe, the newspapers hinted a new romance. However, Whiz Bang’s astute investigators did not go to the depot, but upon taking a chance peek into Charlie’s drawing room, discovered among a very few close friends, little May Collins and her mama.
Evidently the little Collins-Chaplin romance is still on. Pretty foxie, Charlie!
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Married men out west are having an awful time. You know the cleverest hold-up men and crooks in the U. S. A. beat it for California every fall to keep abreast to the tourist wealth which goes west as well. These desperadoes often take an auto of an evening, drive into the suburban towns or near the lonely stretches of Pacific beach, and hold up loving couples who are spooning in autos along the roadside. Now, you see if you happen to be married and are out with the pretty steno or an extra girl, and you are held up, relieved of diamonds, watches and money, you can’t very well report it to the police, can you? Reporters have an annoying way of getting news from police chiefs and, regardless of your rage against thugs and hold-up men, you surmise it would be better to swallow your loss.
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Domestic note—Alice Brady, who in private life is Mrs. Thomas Crane, has retired from stage and screen, it is said, in anticipation of an interesting family event.
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From “location” to a “one night stand” in the county jail was the recent plight of Texas Guinan, film beauty and former musical comedy favorite. Approximately fifteen hours the movie star basked in the bastile, and all on account of an unpaid old grocery bill.
The turnkeys are glad she is out. They are willing she reign on Broadways if she will keep herself out of prison row. The tank heroes shaved themselves as never before, donned Sunday neckties and bartered keepsakes for standing room back of the great steel doorway where they might perchance catch a glimpse of Texas. However, they were disappointed, for Texas was temperamental and made no appearance in the downstairs “prison drawing room.” Nosegays and noes arrived, but Texas announced from her “dressing room” that she never “received” before noon. According to rumors, Mrs. Peete and Madalynne Obenchain displayed real professional jealousy.
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Lost
By James Whitcomb Riley.
’Twas a summer ago, when he left me here, A summer of smiles with never a tear, Till I said to him, with a sob: my dear, Good-by, my lover, good-by! For I love him, oh! as the stars love night! And my cheeks for him flushed red and white When first he called me his heart’s delight. Good-by, my lover, good-by! The touch of his hand was a thing divine, As he sat with me in the soft moonshine, And drank of love as men drink wine. Good-by, my lover, good-by! And never a night as I knelt in prayer, In a gown as white as our own souls wear, But in fancy he came and kissed me there: Good-by, my lover, good-by! But now, God! what an empty place My whole heart is! Of the old embrace And the kiss I loved there lives no trace: Good-by, my lover, good-by! He sailed not over the stormy sea, And he went not down in the waves—not he; But, oh! he is lost, for he married me: Good-by, my lover, good-by!
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How to Get the Dough
The oil field filosopher reports the following:
My father got rich selling tickets at the moving picture show. When a man came up to buy a ticket he would throw down a two dollar bill or a five. Father would blow his breath in his face and say, “How many?” The man would say, “Oh, never mind, keep the change.”
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Just because you’re a ham, you needn’t think you’re Swift. That’s all the jokes I know, but there Armour.
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Wet Times Ahead
Steamer Captain—Save yourself! The vessel is going down. Here, sir (to indifferent passenger), what are you passing that hat for in a situation like this?
Passenger—I’m just providing a sinking fund for our widows and orphans, captain.
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He’d Tested Her
“I’ve got the fastest typist in the city.”
“Well, that’s the only complaint I have against mine.”
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Some marriages make one wonder why a man should want to keep a cow when free milk is running down the gutter. A ladle costs less than a cradle.
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The Tramp’s Plea
“Good mornin’ this evenin’, how do you do tomorrow?”
“Got any good drinking water?”
“Would you mind giving a poor man a drink of liquor?”
“I’m so hungry, I ain’t got nowhere to stay all night?”
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“Dat may all be,” reckons Raspin’ Rastus, when told that the Good Book says the lion and lamb lie down together, “But ah cain’t fin’ no place where it says dat lamb eber got up.”
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Let This Be Your Philosophy of Life
“Act as if the destiny of the universe depended on your acts.”
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My girl is so pretty that whenever she boards a street car, the advertising is a total loss.
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Our History Lesson
During the Middle Ages rich men condemned to death would hire substitutes to die in their places. Many poor people made a living in such manner.
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Say, dear, how’d you like to open my pay envelope?
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Puff Me Up, Kid
She’s the kippiest kid, Hair of gold, baby eyes And a wonderful figure. Oh boy, how she can love. Many times a day I caress her cheek, Her mouth her nose. She jealously guards me. I live where wise men Fear to peep. I’m some guy, I am, Yea brother, I’m some powder puff.
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Hard Boiled Muggsy
A mission worker on the lower East Side, New York, was telling the story of Adam and Eve to a group of tough kids. When he was through, one boy asked Hard-boiled Muggsy what it was all about.
“I’ll tell yer,” said Muggsy, “there was a guy and a ‘broad’ in a garden. They ‘snitched’ an apple; a snake ‘peached’ on ’em, and God said tuhel with ’em.”
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Smackum Smackaday
Someday—I’m going to take— Somebody— Somewhere—where there isn’t anybody—and— Somehow—I’m going to give her a sweet kiss— Something—she wants—and then— Sometime—later—she’ll find— Someway—to get me away—some— Summer—day—to get— Somemore—of the same thing.