Volume 3 — Pasture Pot Pourri
Reading edition
Motto For Married Men
Be sure you are right and then keep still about it.
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I don’t like girls that bob their hair, use rouge or powder, wear short skirts or roll their socks.
I haven’t got a girl, either.
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Knock-kneed Blues
There’s only one thing I can’t understan’, How a bowlegged woman loves a knockkneed man.
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Little Cowlet O’ Mine
I have a little calf, (The kind that eats the hay) It gets its ate La tete a tete Through the milky way.
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Every right-minded woman is cheered by the thought of having pretty undies on—even if nobody sees them.
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In the battle-scarred words of the cave-man: “I want my wine weak and my women strong.”
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The Height of Economy
To eat your meals in front of a looking glass and think you are having twice as much.
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If a corset cover covers a corset, what does a corset cover?
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Harness Shop Ad
“Our buckles won’t hurt you.”
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Our Robbinsdale bootlegger refused to sell me absinthe because he said it is against the law.
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Hello, there, old fellow, where’d you get the new hat?
Oh, my wife didn’t expect me home until twelve last night and I got in a little earlier.
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Bow and Arrow Bull
QUIVERS ran up and down her spine, When his STRING of bull he’d throw; For she was an ARROW minded kid And he was her loving BOW.
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In the immortal telegram of Ikey Goldstein: “Twins arrived; mine died.”
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Hall Caine’s description of women:
“Women are like sheep’s broth. If there’s a head and a heart in them they’re good, and if there isn’t you might as well be supping hot water.”
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I’m So Weak I Nearly Faint
Says the pail to the milk, “You look awfully pale.”
Says the milk to the pail, “If you’d gone through what I have, you’d be pale, too!”
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Our idea of nothing is a bung hole without a barrel.
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Mamma’s in heaven, Papa’s in jail, Sister’s on Broadway, Earning papa’s bail.
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Paddy’s New Boots
These shoes are too tight. Be jabbers, oi’ll have to wear them a couple of times before oi can get thim on.
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Let us now sing the old familiar ballad, “When a goat is right behind you it’s no time to lace your shoe.”
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Another Clean Joke
A handkerchief and a sock, by chance met in a tub at the laundry.
“How did you get in here?” asked the sock.
“Oh, I was blown in,” replied the handkerchief.
“I was scent,” said the sock.
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“I’ve got to hand it to you,” quavered the citizen as he passed over his pocketbook to the hold-up man.
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The Discovery of America
Columbus was walking down the main street of Spain one day when he saw Queen Elizabeth riding along in her new Henry super four.
He called to her, saying, “Howd’y Bella.” She said, “Hello, Colum, hop in.” They were on pretty intimate terms, at the time, and there was quite a bit of scandal going around concerning them.
After a little Columbus said, “Say, Bella, I believe if I had a couple of schooners I could sail over and discover America.” She answered, “All right, Colum.”
Soon after, Columbus sailed away and sailed for years and years. One day one of his men hurried below and in an excited voice said, “Columbus, I see land.”
On landing, they found the Indians all lined up and down the shore waiting for them. Columbus stepped ahead and said, “Hello, is this the United States?” “Yes,” said the chief, “we got your cablegram and have been waiting here to be discovered.” Whereupon Columbus erected a post and put up a brass tablet giving date of discovery, etc.
After that, he moved to Ohio, and anyone passing can see Columbus in Ohio.
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Recruit, Boys!
She—Did you get a commission in the army?
Private—No, I just got a straight salary.