Act 1 — ACT I.

Doodle, Noodle. Doodle. Sure such a day[65] as this was never seen! The sun himself, on this auspicious day, Shines like a beau in a new birthday suit: This down the seams embroidered, that the beams. All nature wears one universal grin. Nood. This day, O Mr. Doodle, is a day. Indeed!—a day, we never saw before.[66] The mighty Thomas Thumb victorious comes;[67] Millions of giants crowd his chariot wheels, Giants! to whom the giants in Guildhall[68] Are infant dwarfs. They frown, and foam, and roar, While Thumb, regardless of their noise, rides on. So some cock-sparrow in a farmer's yard, Hops at the head of an huge flock of turkeys. Dood. When Goody Thumb first brought this Thomas forth, The Genius of our land triumphant reign'd; Then, then, O Arthur! did thy Genius reign. Nood. They tell me it is whisper'd[69] in the books Of all our sages, that this mighty hero, By Merlin's art begot, hath not a bone Within his skin, but is a lump of gristle. Dood. Then 'tis a gristle of no mortal kind; Some god, my Noodle, stept into the place Of Gaffer Thumb, and more than half begot[70] This mighty Tom. Nood. Sure he was sent express[71] From Heaven to be the pillar of our state. Though small his body be, so very small A chairman's leg is more than twice as large, Yet is his soul like any mountain big; And as a mountain once brought forth a mouse, So doth this mouse contain a mighty mountain.[72] Dood. Mountain indeed! So terrible his name, The giant nurses frighten children with it,[73] And cry Tom Thumb is come, and if you are Naughty, will surely take the child away. Nood. But hark! these trumpets speak the king's approach.[74] Dood. He comes most luckily for my petition. [Flourish.

King, Queen, Grizzle, Noodle, Doodle, Foodle. King. Let nothing but a face of joy appear;[75] The man who frowns this day shall lose his head, That he may have no face to frown withal. Smile Dollallolla—Ha! what wrinkled sorrow Hangs, sits, lies, frowns upon thy knitted brow?[76] Whence flow those tears fast down thy blubber'd cheeks, Like a swoln gutter, gushing through the streets? Queen. Excess of joy, my lord, I've heard folks say,[77] Gives tears as certain as excess of grief. King. If it be so, let all men cry for joy, Till my whole court be drowned with their tears;[78] Nay, till they overflow my utmost land, And leave me nothing but the sea to rule. Dood. My liege, I a petition have here got. King. Petition me no petitions, sir, to-day: Let other hours be set apart for business. To-day it is our pleasure to be drunk.[79] And this our queen shall be as drunk as we. Queen. (Though I already[80] half-seas over am) If the capacious goblet overflow With arrack punch——'fore George! I'll see it out: Of rum and brandy I'll not taste a drop. King. Though rack, in punch, eight shillings be a quart, And rum and brandy be no more than six, Rather than quarrel you shall have your will. [Trumpets. But, ha! the warrior comes—the great Tom Thumb, The little hero, giant-killing boy, Preserver of my kingdom, is arrived.

Tom Thumb to them, with Officers, Prisoners, and Attendants. King. Oh! welcome most, most welcome to my arms.[81] What gratitude can thank away the debt Your valour lays upon me? Queen. Oh! ye gods![82] [Aside. Thumb. When I'm not thank'd at all, I'm thank'd enough.[83] I've done my duty, and I've done no more. Queen. Was ever such a godlike creature seen? [Aside. King. Thy modesty's a candle[84] to thy merit, It shines itself, and shows thy merit too. But say, my boy, where didst thou leave the giants? Thumb. My liege, without the castle gates they stand, The castle gates too low for their admittance. King. What look they like? Thumb. Like nothing but themselves. Queen. And sure thou art like nothing but thyself.[85] [Aside. King. Enough! the vast idea fills my soul. I see them—yes, I see them now before me: The monstrous, ugly, barb'rous sons of clods. But ha! what form majestic strikes our eyes? So perfect, that it seems to have been drawn[86] By all the gods in council: so fair she is, That surely at her birth the council paused, And then at length cry'd out, This is a woman! Thumb. Then were the gods mistaken—she is not A woman, but a giantess——whom we, With much ado, have made a shift to haul[87] Within the town: for she is by a foot[88] Shorter than all her subject giants were. Glum. We yesterday were both a queen and wife, One hundred thousand giants own'd our sway. Twenty whereof were married to ourself. Queen. Oh! happy state of giantism where husbands Like mushrooms grow, whilst hapless we are forced To be content, nay, happy thought, with one. Glum. But then to lose them all in one black day, That the same sun which, rising, saw me wife To twenty giants, setting should behold Me widow'd of them all.——My worn-out heart,[89] That ship, leaks fast, and the great heavy lading, My soul, will quickly sink. Queen. Madam, believe I view your sorrows with a woman's eye: But learn to bear them with what strength you may, To-morrow we will have our grenadiers Drawn out before you, and you then shall choose What husbands you think fit. Glum. Madam, I am[90] Your most obedient and most humble servant. King. Think, mighty princess, think this court your own, Nor think the landlord me, this house my inn; Call for whate'er you will, you'll nothing pay. I feel a sudden pain within my breast,[91] Nor know I whether it arise from love Or only the wind-cholic. Time must show. O Thumb! what do we to thy valour owe! Ask some reward, great as we can bestow. Thumb. I ask not kingdoms, I can conquer those;[92] I ask not money, money I've enough; For what I've done, and what I mean to do, For giants slain, and giants yet unborn Which I will slay——if this be call'd a debt, Take my receipt in full: I ask but this,— To sun myself in Huncamunca's eyes.[93] King. Prodigious bold request. Queen. Be still, my soul.[94] [Aside. Thumb. My heart is at the threshold of your mouth,[95] And waits its answer there.——Oh! do not frown. I've try'd to reason's tune to tune my soul, But love did overwind and crack the string. Though Jove in thunder had cry'd out, you shan't, I should have loved her still——for oh, strange fate, Then when I loved her least I loved her most! King. It is resolv'd—the princess is your own. Thumb. Oh! happy, happy, happy, happy Thumb.[96] Queen. Consider, sir; reward your soldier's merit, But give not Huncamunca to Tom Thumb. King. Tom Thumb! Odzooks! my wide-extended realm Knows not a name so glorious as Tom Thumb. Let Macedonia Alexander boast, Let Rome her Cæsars and her Scipios show, Her Messieurs France, let Holland boast Mynheers, Ireland her O's, her Macs let Scotland boast, Let England boast no other than Tom Thumb. Queen. Though greater yet his boasted merit was, He shall not have my daughter, that is pos'. King. Ha! sayst thou, Dollallolla? Queen. I say he shan't. King. Then by our royal self we swear you lie.[97] Queen. Who but a dog, who but a dog[98] Would use me as thou dost? Me, who have lain These twenty years so loving by thy side![99] But I will be revenged. I'll hang myself. Then tremble all who did this match persuade, For, riding on a cat, from high I'll fall,[100] And squirt down royal vengeance on you all. Food. Her majesty the queen is in a passion.[101] King. Be she, or be she not, I'll to the girl[102] And pave thy way, O Thumb. Now by ourself, We were indeed a pretty king of clouts To truckle to her will—for when by force Or art the wife her husband overreaches, Give him the petticoat, and her the breeches. Thumb. Whisper, ye winds, that Huncamunca's mine![103] Echoes repeat, that Huncamunca's mine! The dreadful bus'ness of the war is o'er, And beauty, heav'nly beauty! crowns my toils! I've thrown the bloody garment now aside And hymeneal sweets invite my bride. So when some chimney-sweeper all the day Hath through dark paths pursued the sooty way, At night to wash his hands and face he flies, And in his t'other shirt with his Brickdusta lies.

Grizzle (solus). Where art thou, Grizzle?[104] where are now thy glories? Where are the drums that waken thee to honour? Greatness is a laced coat from Monmouth Street, Which fortune lends us for a day to wear, To-morrow puts it on another's back. The spiteful sun but yesterday survey'd His rival high as Saint Paul's cupola; Now may he see me as Fleet Ditch laid low.

Queen, Grizzle. Queen. Teach me to scold, prodigious-minded Grizzle,[105] Mountain of treason, ugly as the devil, Teach this confounded hateful mouth of mine To spout forth words malicious as thyself, Words which might shame all Billingsgate to speak. Griz. Far be it from my pride to think my tongue Your royal lips can in that art instruct, Wherein you so excel. But may I ask, Without offence, wherefore my queen would scold? Queen. Wherefore? Oh! blood and thunder! han't you heard (What ev'ry corner of the court resounds) That little Thumb will be a great man made? Griz. I heard it, I confess—for who, alas! Can[106] always stop his ears?—But would my teeth, By grinding knives, had first been set on edge! Queen. Would I had heard, at the still noon of night, The hallalloo of fire in every street! Odsbobs! I have a mind to hang myself, To think I should a grandmother be made By such a rascal!—Sure the king forgets When in a pudding, by his mother put, The bastard, by a tinker, on a stile Was dropp'd.—Oh, good lord Grizzle! can I bear To see him from a pudding mount the throne? Or can, oh can, my Huncamunca bear To take a pudding's offspring to her arms? Griz. Oh, horror! horror! horror! cease, my queen. Thy voice, like twenty screech-owls, wracks my brain.[107] Queen. Then rouse thy spirit—we may yet prevent This hated match. Griz. We will; nor fate itself,[108] Should it conspire with Thomas Thumb, should cause it. I'll swim through seas; I'll ride upon the clouds: I'll dig the earth; I'll blow out every fire; I'll rave; I'll rant; I'll rise; I'll rush; I'll roar; Fierce as the man whom smiling[109] dolphins bore From the prosaic to poetic shore. I'll tear the scoundrel into twenty pieces. Queen. Oh, no! prevent the match, but hurt him not; For, though I would not have him have my daughter, Yet can we kill the man that killed the giants? Griz. I tell you, madam, it was all a trick; He made the giants first, and then he killed them; As fox-hunters bring foxes to the wood, And then with hounds they drive them out again. Queen. How! have you seen no giants? Are there not Now in the yard ten thousand proper giants? Griz. Indeed I cannot positively tell,[110] But firmly do believe there is not one. Queen. Hence! from my sight! thou traitor, hie away; By all my stars! thou enviest Tom Thumb. Go, sirrah! go, hie[111] away! hie!—--thou art A setting-dog: begone. Griz. Madam, I go. Tom Thumb shall feel the vengeance you have raised. So, when two dogs are fighting in the streets, With a third dog one of the two dogs meets, With angry teeth he bites him to the bone, And this dog smarts for what that dog has done.

Queen [sola.] And whither shall I go?—Alack a day! I love Tom Thumb—but must not tell him so; For what's a woman when her virtue's gone? A coat without its lace; wig out of buckle; A stocking with a hole in't—I can't live Without my virtue, or without Tom Thumb. Then let me weigh them in two equal scales;[112] In this scale put my virtue, that Tom Thumb. Alas! Tom Thumb is heavier than my virtue. But hold!—perhaps I may be left a widow: This match prevented, then Tom Thumb is mine: In that dear hope I will forget my pain. So, when some wench to Tothill Bridewell's sent, With beating hemp and flogging she's content; She hopes in time to ease her present pain, At length is free, and walks the streets again.