Act 2 — ACT II.
Reading edition
Scene I.—The street.
Bailiff, Follower. Bail. Come on, my trusty fellow, come on; This day discharge thy duty, and at night A double mug of beer, and beer shall glad thee. Stand here by me, this way must Noodle pass. Fol. No more, no more, O Bailiff! every word Inspires my soul with virtue. Oh! I long To meet the enemy in the street, and nab him: To lay arresting hands upon his back, And drag him trembling to the sponging-house. Bail. There when I have him, I will sponge upon him. Oh! glorious thought! by the sun, moon, and stars, I will enjoy it, though it be in thought! Yes, yes, my follower, I will enjoy it. Fol. Enjoy it then some other time, for now Our prey approaches. Bail. Let us retire.
Scene II.
Tom Thumb, Noodle, Bailiff, Follower. Thumb. Trust me, my Noodle, I am wondrous sick;[113] For, though I love the gentle Huncamunca, Yet at the thought of marriage I grow pale: For, oh!—but swear thou'lt keep it ever secret,[114] I will unfold a tale will make thee stare. Nood. I swear by lovely Huncamunca's charms. Thumb. Then know—my grandmamma[115] hath often said. Tom Thumb, beware of marriage. Nood. Sir, I blush To think a warrior, great in arms as you, Should be affrighted by his grandmamma. Can an old woman's empty dreams deter The blooming hero from the virgin's arms? Think of the joy that will your soul alarm, When in her fond embraces clasp'd you lie, While on her panting breast, dissolved in bliss, You pour out all Tom Thumb in every kiss. Thumb. Oh! Noodle, thou hast fired my eager soul; Spite of my grandmother she shall be mine; I'll hug, caress, I'll eat her up with love: Whole days, and nights, and years shall be too short For our enjoyment; every sun shall rise Blushing to see us both alone together.[116] Nood. Oh, sir! this purpose of your soul pursue. Bail. Oh, sir! I have an action against you. Nood. At whose suit is it? Bail. At your tailor's, sir. Your tailor put this warrant in my hands, And I arrest you, sir, at his commands. Thumb. Ha! dogs! Arrest my friend before my face! Think you Tom Thumb will suffer this disgrace? But let vain cowards threaten by their word, Tom Thumb shall show his anger by his sword. [Kills Bailiff and Follower. Bail. Oh, I am slain! Fol. I am murdered also, And to the shades, the dismal shades below, My bailiff's faithful follower I go. Nood. Go then to hell,[117] like rascals as you are, And give our service to the bailiffs there. Thumb. Thus perish all the bailiffs in the land, Till debtors at noon-day shall walk the streets, And no one fear a bailiff or his writ.
Scene III.—The Princess Huncamunca's Apartment.
Huncamunca, Cleora, Mustacha. Hunc. Give me some music—see that it be sad.[118] Cleora sings. Cupid, ease a love-sick maid, Bring thy quiver to her aid; With equal ardour wound the swain; Beauty should never sigh in vain. Let him feel the pleasing smart, Drive the arrow through his heart: When one you wound, you then destroy; When both you kill, you kill with joy. Hunc. O Tom Thumb! Tom Thumb! wherefore art thou Tom Thumb?[119] Why hadst thou not been born of royal race? Why had not mighty Bantam been thy father? Or else the King of Brentford, old or new!
Must. I am surprised that your highness can give yourself a moment's uneasiness about that little insignificant fellow, Tom Thumb the Great[120]—one properer for a plaything than a husband. Were he my husband his horns should be as long as his body. If you had fallen in love with a grenadier, I should not have wondered at it. If you had fallen in love with something; but to fall in love with nothing!
Hunc. Cease, my Mustacha, on thy duty cease. The zephyr, when in flowery vales it plays, Is not so soft, so sweet as Thummy's breath. The dove is not so gentle to its mate.
Must. The dove is every bit as proper for a husband.—Alas! madam, there's not a beau about the court looks so little like a man. He is a perfect butterfly, a thing without substance, and almost without shadow too.
Hunc. This rudeness is unseasonable: desist; Or I shall think this railing comes from love. Tom Thumb's a creature of that charming form, That no one can abuse, unless they love him. Must. Madam, the king.
Scene IV.
King Huncamunca. King. Let all but Huncamunca leave the room. [Exeunt Cleora and Mustacha. Daughter, I have observed of late some grief Unusual in your countenance; your eyes That, like two open windows,[121] used to show The lovely beauty of the rooms within. Have now two blinds before them. What is the cause? Say, have you not enough of meat and drink? We've given strict orders not to have you stinted. Hunc. Alas! my lord, I value not myself That once I ate two fowls and half a pig; Small is that praise![122] but oh! a maid may want What she can neither eat nor drink. King. What's that? Hunc. O spare my blushes;[123] but I mean a husband. King. If that be all, I have provided one, A husband great in arms, whose warlike sword Streams with the yellow blood of slaughter'd giants, Whose name in Terrâ Incognitâ is known, Whose valour, wisdom, virtue, make a noise Great as the kettledrums of twenty armies. Hunc. Whom does my royal father mean? King. Tom Thumb. Hunc. Is it possible? King. Ha! the window-blinds are gone; A country-dance of joy is in your face.[124] Your eyes spit fire, your cheeks grow red as beef. Hunc. Oh, there's a magic-music in that sound, Enough to turn me into beef indeed! Yes, I will own, since licensed by your word, I'll own Tom Thumb the cause of all my grief. For him I've sigh'd, I've wept, I've gnaw'd my sheets. King. Oh! thou shalt gnaw thy tender sheets no more. A husband thou shalt have to mumble now. Hunc. Oh! happy sound! henceforth let no one tell That Huncamunca shall lead apes in hell. Oh! I am overjoy'd! King. I see thou art. Joy lightens, in thy eyes, and thunders from thy brows;[125] Transports, like lightning, dart along thy soul, As small-shot through a hedge. Hunc. Oh! say not small. King. This happy news shall on our tongue ride post, Ourself we bear the happy news to Thumb. Yet think not, daughter, that your powerful charms Must still detain the hero from his arms; Various his duty, various his delight; Now in his turn to kiss, and now to fight, And now to kiss again. So, mighty Jove,[126] When with excessive thund'ring tired above, Comes down to earth, and takes a bit—and then Flies to his trade of thund'ring back again.
Scene V.
Grizzle, Huncamunca. Griz. Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh![127] Thy pouting breasts, like kettledrums of brass, Beat everlasting loud alarms of joy; As bright as brass they are, and oh, as hard. Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh! Hunc. Ha! dost thou know me, princess as I am, That thus of me you dare to make your game?[128] Griz. Oh! Huncamunca, well I know that you A princess are, and a king's daughter, too; But love no meanness scorns, no grandeur fears; Love often lords into the cellar bears, And bids the sturdy porter come up stairs. For what's too high for love, or what's too low? Oh! Huncamunca, Huncamunca, oh! Hunc. But, granting all you say of love were true, My love, alas! is to another due. In vain to me a suitoring you come, For I'm already promised to Tom Thumb. Griz. And can my princess such a durgen wed? One fitter for your pocket than your bed! Advised by me, the worthless baby shun, Or you will ne'er be brought to bed of one. Oh, take me to thy arms, and never-flinch, Who am a man, by Jupiter! every inch. Then, while in joys together lost we lie,[129] I'll press thy soul while gods stand wishing by. Hunc. If, sir, what you insinuate you prove, All obstacles of promise you remove; For all engagements to a man must fall, Whene'er that man is proved no man at all. Griz. Oh! let him seek some dwarf, some fairy miss, Where no joint-stool must lift him to the kiss! But, by the stars and glory! you appear Much fitter for a Prussian grenadier; One globe alone on Atlas' shoulders rests, Two globes are less than Huncamunca's breasts; The milky way is not so white, that's flat, And sure thy breasts are full as large as that. Hunc. Oh, sir, so strong your eloquence I find, It is impossible to be unkind. Griz. Ah! speak that o'er again, and let the sound[130] From one pole to another pole rebound; The earth and sky each be a battledore, And keep the sound, that shuttlecock, up an hour: To Doctors Commons for a licence I Swift as an arrow from a bow will fly. Hunc. Oh, no! lest some disaster we should meet, 'Twere better to be married at the Fleet. Griz. Forbid it, all ye powers, a princess should By that vile place contaminate her blood; My quick return shall to my charmer prove I travel on the post-horses of love.[131] Hunc. Those post-horses to me will seem too slow Though they should fly swift as the gods, when they Ride on behind that post-boy, Opportunity.
Scene VI.
Tom Thumb, Huncamunca. Thumb. Where is my princess? where's my Huncamunca? Where are those eyes, those cardmatches of love, That light up all with love my waxen soul?[132] Where is that face which artful nature made In the same moulds where Venus' self was cast?[133] Hunc. Oh! what is music to the ear that's deaf,[134] Or a goose-pie to him that has no taste? What are these praises now to me, since I Am promised to another? Thumb. Ha! promised? Hunc. Too sure; 'tis written in the book of fate. Thumb. Then I will tear away the leaf [135] Wherein it's writ; or, if fate won't allow So large a gap within its journal-book, I'll blot it out at least.
Scene VII.
Glumdalca, Tom Thumb, Huncamunca. Glum. I need not ask if you are Huncamunca,[136] Your brandy-nose proclaims—— Hunc. I am a princess; Nor need I ask who you are. Glum. A giantess; The queen of those who made and unmade queens. Hunc. The man whose chief ambition is to be My sweetheart, hath destroy'd these mighty giants. Glum. Your sweetheart? Dost thou think the man who once Hath worn my easy chains will e'er wear thine? Hunc. Well may your chains be easy, since, if fame Says true, they have been tried on twenty husbands. The glove or boot, so many times pull'd on,[137] May well sit easy on the hand or foot. Glum. I glory in the number, and when I Sit poorly down, like thee, content with one, Heaven change this face for one as bad as thine. Hunc. Let me see nearer what this beauty is That captivates the heart of men by scores. [Holds a candle to her face. Oh! Heaven, thou art as ugly as the devil. Glum. You'd give the best of shoes within your shop To be but half so handsome. Hunc. Since you come To that, I'll put my beauty to the test:[138] Tom Thumb, I'm yours, if you with me will go. Glum. Oh! stay Tom Thumb, and you alone shall fill That bed where twenty giants used to lie. Thumb. In the balcóny that o'erhangs the stage, I've seen a puss two 'prentices engage; One half-a-crown does in his fingers hold, The other shows a little piece of gold; She the half-guinea wisely does purloin, And leaves the larger and the baser coin. Glum. Left, scorn'd, and loath'd for such a chit as this; I feel the storm that's rising in my mind,[139] Tempests and whirlwinds rise, and roll, and roar. I'm all within a hurricane, as if The world's four winds were pent within my carcase.[140] Confusion,[141] horror, murder, gripes, and death!
Scene VIII.
King, Glumdalca. King. Sure never was so sad a king as I![142] My life is worn as ragged as a coat[143] A beggar wears; a prince should put it off. To love a captive and a giantess![144] Oh love! oh love! how great a king art thou! My tongue's thy trumpet, and thou trumpetest, Unknown to me, within me. Oh, Glumdalca![145] Heaven thee design'd a giantess to make, But an angelic soul was shuffled in. I am a multitude of walking griefs,[146] And only on her lips the balm is found To spread a plaster that might cure them all.[147] Glum. What do I hear? King. What do I see? Glum. Oh! King. Ah! Glum. Ah! wretched queen![148] King. Oh! wretched king! Glum. Ah![149] King. Oh!
Scene IX.
Tom Thumb, Huncamunca, Parson. Par. Happy's the wooing that's not long a-doing; For, if I guess right, Tom Thumb this night Shall give a being to a new Tom Thumb. Thumb. It shall be my endeavour so to do. Hunc. Oh! fie upon you, sir, you make me blush. Thumb. It is the virgin's sign, and suits you well: I know not where, nor how, nor what I am;[150] I'm so transported, I have lost myself.[151] Hunc. Forbid it, all ye stars, for you're so small, That were you lost, you'd find yourself no more. So the unhappy sempstress once, they say, Her needle in a pottle, lost, of hay; In vain she look'd, and look'd, and made her moan. For ah, the needle was for ever gone. Par. Long may they live, and love, and propagate, Till the whole land be peopled with Tom Thumbs! So, when the Cheshire cheese a maggot breeds,[152] Another and another still succeeds: By thousands and ten thousands they increase, Till one continued maggot fills the rotten cheese.
Scene X.
Noodle, and then Grizzle. Nood. Sure, Nature means to break her solid chain,[153] Or else unfix the world, and in a rage To hurl it from its axletree and hinges; All things are so confused, the king's in love, The queen is drunk, the princess married is. Griz. Oh, Noodle! Hast thou Huncamunca seen? Nood. I've seen a thousand sights this day, where none Are by the Wonderful Pig himself outdone. The king, the queen, and all the court, are sights. Griz. D—n your delay, you trifler! are you drunk, ha?[154] I will not hear one word but Huncamunca. Nood. By this time she is married to Tom Thumb. Griz. My Huncamunca![155] Nood. Your Huncamunca, Tom Thumb's Huncamunca, every man's Huncamunca. Griz. If this be true, all womankind are curst. Nood. If it be not, may I be so myself. Griz. See where she comes! I'll not believe a word Against that face, upon whose ample brow[156] Sits innocence with majesty enthroned. Grizzle, Huncamunca. Griz. Where has my Huncamunca been? See here. The licence in my hand! Hunc. Alas! Tom Thumb. Griz. Why dost thou mention him? Hunc. Ah, me! Tom Thumb. Griz. What means my lovely Huncamunca? Hunc. Hum? Griz. Oh! speak. Hunc. Hum! Griz. Ha! your every word is hum: You force me still to answer you, Tom Thumb.[157] Tom Thumb—I'm on the rack—I'm in a flame. Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb, Tom Thumb—you love the name;[158] So pleasing is that sound, that, were you dumb, You still would find a voice to cry Tom Thumb. Hunc. Oh! be not hasty to proclaim my doom! My ample heart for more than one has room: A maid like me Heaven form'd at least for two. I married him, and now I'll marry you.[159] Griz. Ha! dost thou own thy falsehood to my face? Think'st thou that I will share thy husband's place? Since to that office one cannot suffice, And since you scorn to dine one single dish on, Go, get your husband put into commission. Commissioners to discharge (ye gods! it fine is) The duty of a husband to your highness. Yet think not long I will my rival bear, Or unrevenged the slighted willow wear; The gloomy, brooding tempest, now confined Within the hollow caverns of my mind, In dreadful whirl shall roll along the coasts, Shall thin the land of all the men it boasts, And cram up ev'ry chink of hell with ghosts.[160] So have I seen, in some dark winter's day,[161] A sudden storm rush down the sky's highway, Sweep through the streets with terrible ding-dong, Gush through the spouts, and wash whole clouds along. The crowded shops the thronging vermin screen, Together cram the dirty and the clean, And not one shoe-boy in the street is seen. Hunc. Oh, fatal rashness! should his fury slay My hapless bridegroom on his wedding-day, I, who this morn of two chose which to wed, May go again this night alone to bed. So have I seen some wild unsettled fool,[162] Who had her choice of this and that joint-stool, To give the preference to either loth, And fondly coveting to sit on both, While the two stools her sitting-part confound, Between 'em both fall squat upon the ground.