THE Knight of the Burning Pestle.
Reading edition
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DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
The Prologue.
Then a Citizen.
The Citizen's Wife, and Ralph, her man, sitting below amidst the spectators.
A rich Merchant.
Jasper, his apprentice.
Master Humphrey, a friend to the Merchant.
Luce, the Merchant's daughter.
Mistress Merry-thought, Jasper's mother.
Michael, a second son of Mistress Merry-thought.
Old Mr. Merry-thought.
A Squire.
A Dwarf.
A Tapster.
A Boy that danceth and singeth.
An Host.
A Barber.
Two Knights.
A Captain.
A Sergeant.
Soldiers.
Enter Prologue.
From all that's near the court, from all that's great Within the compass of the city walls, We now have brought our scene.
Enter Citizen.
Cit. Hold your peace, good-man boy.
Pro. What do you mean, sir?
Cit. That you have no good meaning: these seven years there hath been plays at this house, I have observed it, you have still girds at citizens; and now you call your play "The London Merchant." Down with your title, boy, down with your title.
Pro. Are you a member of the noble city?
Cit. I am.
Pro. And a freeman?
Cit. Yea, and a grocer.
Pro. So, grocer, then by your sweet favour, we intend no abuse to the city.
Cit. No, sir, yes, sir, if you were not resolved to play the jacks, what need you study for new subjects, purposely to abuse your betters? Why could not you be contented, as well as others, with the legend of Whittington, or the Life and Death of Sir Thomas Gresham? with the building of the Royal Exchange? or the story of Queen Eleanor, with the rearing of London Bridge upon woolsacks?
Pro. You seem to be an understanding man; what would you have us do, sir?
Cit. Why, present something notably in honour of the commons of the city.
Pro. Why, what do you say to the Life and Death of fat Drake, or the repairing of Fleet privies?
Cit. I do not like that; but I will have a citizen, and he shall be of my own trade.
Pro. Oh, you should have told us your mind a month since, our play is ready to begin now.
Cit. 'Tis all one for that, I will have a grocer, and he shall do admirable things.
Pro. What will you have him do?
Cit. Marry I will have him——
Wife. Husband, husband! [Wife below.
Ralph. Peace, mistress. [Ralph below.
Wife. Hold thy peace, Ralph, I know what I do, I warrant ye. Husband, husband!
Cit. What sayest thou, cony?
Wife. Let him kill a lion with a pestle, husband; let him kill a lion with a pestle.
Cit. So he shall, I'll have him kill a lion with a pestle.
Wife. Husband, shall I come up, husband?
Cit. Ay, cony. Ralph, help your mistress up this way: pray, gentlemen, make her a little room; I pray you, sir, lend me your hand to help up my wife; I thank you, sir, so.
Wife. By your leave, gentlemen all, I'm something troublesome, I'm a stranger here, I was ne'er at one of these plays, as they say, before; but I should have seen "Jane Shore" once; and my husband hath promised me anytime this twelvemonth, to carry me to the "Bold Beauchamps," but in truth he did not; I pray you bear with me.
Cit. Boy, let my wife and I have a couple of stools, and then begin, and let the grocer do rare things.
Pro. But, sir, we have never a boy to play him, every one hath a part already.
Wife. Husband, husband, for God's sake let Ralph play him; beshrew me if I do not think he will go beyond them all.
Cit. Well remembered wife; come up, Ralph; I'll tell you, gentlemen, let them but lend him a suit of reparrel, and necessaries, and by Gad, if any of them all blow wind in the tail on him, I'll be hanged.
Wife. I pray you, youth, let him have a suit of reparrel: I'll be sworn, gentlemen, my husband tells you true, he will act you sometimes at our house, that all the neighbours cry out on him: he will fetch you up a couraging part so in the garret, that we are all as feared I warrant you, that we quake again. We fear our children with him, if they be never so unruly, do but cry "Ralph comes, Ralph comes" to them, and they'll be as quiet as lambs. Hold up thy head, Ralph, show the gentlemen what thou canst do; speak a huffing part, I warrant you the gentlemen will accept of it.
Cit. Do, Ralph, do.
Ralph. By heaven (methinks) it were an easy leap To pluck bright honour from the pale-faced moon, Or dive into the bottom of the sea, Where never fathom line touched any ground, And pluck drowned honour from the lake of hell.
Cit. How say you, gentlemen, is it not as I told you?
Wife. Nay, gentlemen, he hath played before, my husband says, "Musidorus," before the wardens of our company.
Cit. Ay, and he should have played "Jeronimo" with a shoemaker for a wager.
Pro. He shall have a suit of apparel, if he will go in.
Cit. In, Ralph, in, Ralph, and set out the grocers in their kind, if thou lovest me.
Wife. I warrant our Ralph will look finely when he's dressed.
Pro. But what will you have it called?
Cit. "The Grocer's Honour."
Pro. Methinks "The Knight of the Burning Pestle" were better.
Wife. I'll be sworn, husband, that's as good a name as can be.
Cit. Let it be so, begin, begin; my wife and I will sit down.
Pro. I pray you do.
Cit. What stately music have you? Have you shawns?
Pro. Shawns? No.
Cit. No? I'm a thief if my mind did not give me so. Ralph plays a stately part, and he must needs have shawns: I'll be at the charge of them myself rather than we'll be without them.
Pro. So you are like to be.
Cit. Why and so I will be, there's two shillings, let's have the waits of Southwark, they are as rare fellows as any are in England; and that will fetch them all o'er the water with a vengeance, as if they were mad.
Pro. You shall have them; will you sit down, then?
Cit. Ay, come, wife.
Wife. Sit you, merry all gentlemen, I'm bold to sit amongst you for my ease.
Pro. From all that's near the Court, from all that's great Within the compass of the city walls, We now have brought our scene. Fly far from hence All private taxes, all immodest phrases, Whatever may but show like vicious, For wicked mirth never true pleasure brings, But honest minds are pleased with honest things. Thus much for that we do. But for Ralph's part you must answer for't yourself. Cit. Take you no care for Ralph, he'll discharge himself, I warrant you. Wife. I'faith, gentlemen, I'll give my word for Ralph.